


Misery Loves Company [A Violet Snicket AU]

by VFDBaudelaireFile13



Series: Misery Loves Company [1]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004), A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) RPF, A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Arson, Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Gen, Graphic Description, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kidnapping, Multi, Murder, Mystery, Physical Abuse, Siblings, Violence, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-09-07 10:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 52
Words: 226,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20307649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VFDBaudelaireFile13/pseuds/VFDBaudelaireFile13
Summary: You might think you know how this story goes. But my associate and I are here to tell you, that you honestly don't. The story you thought you knew is about to be turned upside with just one simple sentence: Violet's biological father is Lemony Snicket.Dive into the world of Violet Snicket, a young inventor, who is desperately trying to figure out why her father, Lemony Snicket, is acting strange. While he is trying to help her two younger half-siblings Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire escape the clutches of a greedy and wicked Count Olaf, who is after the enormous fortune that their parents left behind. Learn the mysteries that surround these three children and learn the gruesome reasons why they ended up in this situation.Part one will consist of The Bad Beginning, The Reptile Room, The Wide Window, and The Miserable Mill. Updates will be posted on a day to day basis.





	1. Prologue-The One Where Lemony Learns of a Very Forlorn Death

**Prologue:**

_ The One Where Lemony Learns of a Very Forlorn Death  _

I am going to be kind enough to give you the chance to change your mind about reading the sad tale of Violet Snicket and her two half-siblings, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. You might think that the lives of three children would be safe, fun, and comfortable...but in the case of these three, you would be entirely wrong. That’s because rarely anything was safe, fun, or comfortable in the lives of these very unfortunate children. Each of these children was extremely unlucky, leading unfortunate and unhappy lives.

This story begins like how a great number of other stories begin, in the middle of someone else’s story because no story has a true beginning or even a true ending, most stories are just snippets and interjections of a grander story. The story we’ll be interjecting ourselves into will be the story of Lemony Snicket. 

Lemony Snicket was a middle-aged man. He had a clean face, rigid build, eyes of ocean blue, with dark brown hair. He nearly always wore a frown upon his face, he was someone who has been through the wringer a few times. Some days he didn’t know how he survived the days of his youth...or the inevitable heartbreak that made him into the lonely man he is today. 

Lemony was an odd man, he had a rather unusual knack of defining words and phrases randomly, and when I say randomly, I mean it. It doesn’t matter who he is speaking to or whether or not he was the one speaking, Lemony would just say a word or phrase followed by the sentence, “which is a word or phrase which here means…”. He was what many people would consider a bibliophile, a man who loves words. There were only two things he loved more than words and his outdated typewriter, that was the love of his life, Beatrice Baudelaire, and more importantly his fourteen-year-old daughter, Violet. 

Due to complicated circumstances, Lemony ended up being a single father to Violet when his daughter was still just an infant which was not a problem to Lemony, the last thirteen years of his life were the happiest, although you wouldn’t be able to tell because the man rarely ever smiled in public. He _ loved  _ having his daughter around. Unfortunately, there was one factor in his life that made having and raising a child much more difficult.

Lemony was considered a fugitive, he was on the lam for a situation that had happened shortly before Violet’s birth. In some cases, Lemony was also assumed by many of his old friends and colleagues to be dead, which he was also strangely fine with. This made keeping Violet a secret from VFD a lot easier. He rarely liked to discuss the events that led to his less than perfect life with his daughter. Violet has asked him on numerous occasions but he rarely ever told her more than it was an unfortunate misunderstanding involving him, her birth mother, and a few of his former friends, some of whom have become his enemies. This was one of the reasons Lemony was glad that no one from his organization knew about Violet’s existence. He and Beatrice promised each other that she would be kept safe from anything related to VFD. 

Violet was a curious girl, she had an intellectually inventive mind. At only fourteen years old Lemony considered his daughter, one of the finest young inventors and in all honesty, even if she weren’t his daughter, he would still bestow this title upon her. Lemony couldn’t be more proud of his daughter whenever he saw her tying her long brown hair up with one of her many solid color ribbons, he would smile to himself because he knew the wires, nuts, and bolts of his daughter’s mechanical mind were working at top speed with a new invention and Violet didn’t want something as trivial as her hair to ruin her concentration. 

Lemony felt as though he failed Violet in many ways. For starters, he has never been able to relocate her mother, but it wasn’t due to a lack of trying. In his youth, Lemony was a prominent member of a secret organization alongside Beatrice and this organization was the  _ exact  _ reason as to why he lost touch with Beatrice so many years ago. Lemony refuses to allow his daughter to be involved in such a dangerous organization which is why he has done his absolute best to keep the entire thing a secret from her, although it broke his heart to do so. He knew that his daughter had so many unanswered questions about her past and her birth mother, but Lemony had to be careful about what information he gave to her. He couldn’t let her know about VFD or his and Beatrice’s involvement within it. Lemony had done some not-so noble things in the past, albeit for noble reasons with noble intentions but it didn’t change the fact that he and Beatrice walked the grey line of morality and at some points during their acrobat routine, both had fallen on the darker, more wicked side of things once or twice. He didn’t want his daughter to be ashamed of him or her birth mother. To try to free himself of some of the guilt surrounding the topic, Lemony had purchased a beautiful silver, heart-shaped locket for Violet for her fifth birthday. On one side of the locket had Violet’s name engraved to it and her birthday right underneath her name in smaller print, while the other side was plain. He had put a picture of her birth mother inside of it even writing Beatrice’s name on the back of the picture. Ever since that day, you would rarely ever find Violet without that locket. It was always around her neck or as she put it, “The locket lands right on my heart, so whoever’s picture is inside, I am keeping close to my heart,” That same year believe it or not, Violet had sewn her father a yellow ribbon with the words World’s Best Dad in sewn in purple, which he wore on his wrist like a watch. 

Lemony would describe his and Violet’s relationship as extremely close. The two of them were thick as thieves with Lemony living his life on the run from both the authorities and former enemies this was the only way for the two of them to live. He and Violet spent a lot of time together, and when they did spend time apart, they were never far from each other. Due to their situation, they always lived in either a small studio apartment or motel room. It was all he could risk renting. Of course, he never used his real name, he had a long list of aliases that he used interchangeably to keep his identity hidden from anyone who would want to hurt his daughter or himself. 

But although the two were so close, Lemony felt he was robbing his young daughter of a true childhood, there was not a day where he believed had she still been in Beatrice’s custody that she would have a more fulfilled life and a better childhood rather than the sorry excuse of a childhood he has provided. Living life on the lam alongside his daughter, meant that he and Violet were always moving. If Lemony had any doubt in his mind that where they lived had been compromised, it was time to go. Violet had learned at a young age to just go along with her father’s insanity even if it didn’t seem normal, because of this Lemony and Violet always had backpacks that rested next to their front door, they kept essentials in there. Violet has always known life to be spontaneous and adventurous, but she longed for a normal life. She knew that this would never be the case, seeing that her father was falsely accused of numerous crimes and she swore that he once told her that he was also suspected to be dead, but she couldn’t be so sure. She secretly hoped that during his odd jobs of investigating, that maybe he’ll one day find enough evidence to clear his name and then he’d show the world that he hadn’t died and that he wasn’t a wicked man like the papers wanted everyone to believe. She loved her father but she felt like there was more to life than hiding in the shadows and hoping for a new day to arrive. 

On this particular day, Lemony and Violet were out shopping at a convenience store, Lemony ushered his daughter to be quick as he did not feel comfortable being outside in public very along, especially in the city. Had he known where all of his enemies were at every second of the day, living a normal life would be easier on Lemony but alas, that was an impossible feat. He could not risk anyone from his glory days seeing him especially with a teenage girl who looked so much like Beatrice. Anyone who knew him or Beatrice would be able to put two and two together. 

“Violet...let’s go,” Lemony called to her as he tipped his fedora a bit lower to hide his face better.

Violet smiled, “I’m coming, why you are in such a rush Mr. Lemons,” she replied jokingly using a nickname she had given her father when she was a small child.

Lemony smiled at the nickname but replied to her in a slightly stern tone, “You know it’s not safe for me to be out in public for too long. So please grab a few more snacks and let’s go,”

Violet nodded running back into the small, narrow aisles of the convenience store. 

“Hello, Mr. Feint. In a hurry, yet again,” the storekeeper said to Lemony as he proceeded to hand over the merchandise.

“Oh, always. But my daughter doesn’t always grasp that concept it seems,” 

“Aye, she’s a young girl. Young girls like to live life at the moment, and sometimes that moment can be dragged on a little longer than the rest of us would like,”

Lemony rolled his eyes.

“Did you hear about the fire?” the storekeeper asked. 

Lemony’s eyes went wide. Fire. A word that triggered so many good and bad memories to flow back to the forefront of his mind. He hadn’t investigated fires in a while, he hadn’t paid attention to any kind of fire, literal fire or figurative fires, in such a long time. The word always burned him at his inner core. He looked back to make sure Violet wasn’t anywhere in earshot. “What fire?”

“It’s on the front page of  _ the Daily Punctilio,” _

“Oh...trust me, you can’t believe  _ anything  _ you read in the  _ Daily Punctilio,”  _ Lemony replied, “In all honesty, I’m surprised those idiots haven’t been sued for defamation, yet.”

“I don’t know, man, it seems real. The Baudelaire mansion is a pile of charred rubble now,” 

Lemony’s heart fell to his stomach and the world began to spin around him. “D-d-did you just say...Baudelaire mansion?” He turned again to where Violet was still shopping and for once in her life, he was glad she was ignoring him and taking her leisurely time. He most definitely didn’t want her to hear anything about the name, “Baudelaire”. 

“Yeah, it’s a shame what happened. The paper says it was a freak accident. Either way, those poor kids, having to grow up without a mother or father,” the storekeeper said handing a copy of the  _ Daily Punctilio  _ toward Lemony. Lemony quickly grabbed the paper and he couldn’t believe his eyes as he skimmed through the article. Right there on the front page was a piece of news that changed his life forever. “Baudelaire Mansion Destroyed”

_ No! It couldn’t be true. Not Beatrice!  _ She couldn’t have been residing in the same city as he and Violet.  _ There’s no way, she can’t be dead.  _ Before he knew it, he could feel tears slowly falling from his eyes, he hurriedly wiped them. 

The shopkeeper realizing that Lemony was starting to cry, looked up at him and started to stare at him intensely for several moments. This started to concern Lemony, who looked at the shopkeeper and asked, “Can I help you?”

The shopkeeper shook their head ever so slightly and replied, “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.”

And with that sentence, Lemony’s eyes went wide. He threw money down in front of the shopkeeper, rolled up the newspaper as best as he could to hide it from Violet and he rushed to her and grabbed her by her arm as gently as he could. He did his best to not let her see his face. Violet looked confused but she was used to his irrational behavior so after a moment of questioning why they were rushing out of the convenience store, she just went along with it. 

Later that day, Lemony was able to come up with a lie to excuse himself to leave for another day of his investigative work. Violet hadn’t thought much of it, just another typical day in the life of her father. All afternoon, Lemony had found a way to hide from Violet and reread the article that he had bought from the storekeeper. Each time he read the headline, he still couldn’t believe it. Beatrice was dead. Bertrand, an old friend of his, was also deceased leaving behind two young children. Well, Beatrice had left behind three children. How was he ever supposed to tell her? She had many hopes and dreams about meeting her birth mother and getting to know her...but now she will never get that chance. This whole time, Beatrice presided in the same city as the two of them. Lemony felt like utter shit, his resources were limited because he was either presumed dead or on the lam but that didn’t make him feel any better about himself as a father or the entire situation as a whole. 

Lemony couldn’t simply stay in their motel room and sulk. He wanted to see this to believe it. Thankfully the  _ Daily Punctilio  _ had printed the address to where his darling dearest had resided for who knows how long. He had decided to walk seeing that it was not as far from his residence as he expected. His mind wandered endlessly about who could have done this? What if it was a freak accident? He laughed at that notion. He knew someone was behind this. These things don’t just happen, especially not to a prominent VFD agent who has made a few enemies of her own. He wondered if Beatrice had ever given up VFD. He believed that she and Bertrand would have to see that they had two children together.  _ Violet has a brother and sister ...that she may never meet.  _ Every single time his mind wandered back to Violet, he felt more and more like a horrible father. He never found her mother, and now it’s too late. She may never get to meet her half-siblings since Lemony would not be able to adopt them since he was on the lam and in other cases, presumed dead. His mind was torturing him his entire walk. Asking a thousand and one questions that he may never answer. Now he knew how Violet felt every time she asked about Beatrice. So many questions in your head but no answer ever arrives. 

As Lemony reached the burned remains of his ex-fiance’s mansion, his heart dropped for the second time today. Everything was charred and ashy. Lemony could imagine just how the fire looked from the inside. The fire was not generous, it didn’t leave anything untouched or salvageable. The entire mansion smelled of smoke and ash as if the fire had just been set. Lemony had to be careful where he walked as to not trip on anything or allow his weight to break the surfaces underneath his feet. He had never been to this mansion, of course, but he closed his eyes and imagined just how beautiful Beatrice would have kept it. He began crying again as he walked around what he assumed to be the library, which was now a pile of ashes and broken down bookshelves. He strolled around to each room as carefully as he could, imagining what his and Violet’s life would have been like had he made better choices in his youth.  _ Beatrice is dead because of me. My daughter will never meet her mother and it’s all my fault.  _ That’s all that played through his mind as he walked along the desolate and burned down mansion. 

He was so lost in his thoughts that he jumped upon hearing a cough. “Shit,” he muttered to himself and quickly found a safe place to hide. He could not be seen, especially not  _ here  _ and not by the authorities. The authorities would blame him for this crime and then he’d surely never see his daughter again. The only evidence they could use against him is the notion that some arsonists like to revisit the scene of the crime, to see the damage that they did. To revel in the fact that they had tarnished someone’s property and life. He could not give anyone a reason to believe that he had started this fire. So he hid in a spot where he could see if the coughing figure was getting close to him or his hiding place. Lemony would be ready to fight off whoever it was and run, run like Hell, get Violet and move again. As the figure got closer, the coughing didn’t stop, it got a lot worse. When the figure finally got into a good viewing point, Lemony noticed that it was Arthur Poe, which would explain the excessive coughing.

“Well, children. I would have taken you to see what remains of your house but the official fire department asked me to wait until it was a bit safer,” Mr. Poe managed to say after a long fit of coughing.

Two smaller figures that seemed to be children appeared from behind him. Lemony could see their faces and immediately could tell that they were the kids from the  _ Daily Punctilio. _ His heart broke in two when he saw that the young boy, he believed the newspaper referred to him as Klyde, began to cry as he held his infant sister, Susie. 

Those were Beatrice’s children. Alive and well. Well, except for the fact they were orphans now. Lemony lowered his head and looked at the ground.  _ These poor children. This was so unfair.  _ Lemony wondered what would come of them now. Who would the children be placed in the care of? Beatrice and Bertrand must have some sort of plan for these children. Lemony wanted so badly to just walk out of his hiding place and tell Mr. Poe that he’d take the children but he knew deep down he couldn’t. 

“We have absolutely nothing,” Klaus replied to Mr. Poe.

Lemony frowned. If those kids are anything like their mother, they’ll get through this. There’s no way their story gets worse from here. 

I hate to inform you that Lemony, was in fact, dead wrong. So dead wrong that I am going to give you a chance right now, to run away, run far away from whatever device you are using to read this sad tale because the story does get worse, it gets much, much worse. In my extensive research on the Baudelaire and Snicket cases, I can tell you that this is only the beginning and the further you go down this rabbit hole, the sadder things get, the more dire things get. It is my deepest apologies to tell you this, but that’s how the story goes. If you’re still here, this is your fault…but on with the story.

Mr. Poe frowned at Klaus’ statement, “Your parents left behind an enormous fortune which will be yours when Klaus comes of age. Until then you will live with your dear Count Olaf, who will raise you in place of your parents.”

  
Klaus and Sunny didn’t reply to this just kept wandering the burnt remains of their homes but Lemony froze over. Did he just hear Poe correctly? Count Olaf?  _ Their dear Count Olaf?  _ Lemony immediately realized that this story was not over and he was now involved. There was no way Beatrice and Bertrand would want their children placed in that wretched man’s care. Something was not right. Lemony did not know how Olaf managed to get a hold of these kids, but if Lemony had anything to do with it, he wouldn’t have them in his custody for very long. 


	2. The One Where Klaus & Sunny Recieve Some Rather Unpleasant News

** _Chapter One: _ **

_ The One Where Klaus and Sunny Receive Some Rather Unpleasant News _

Now the story of the Baudelaire children starts happily, but do not be fooled by this false sense of security. Although the children may seem happy reading and biting on this grey and cloudy day on Briny Beach this is the sad beginning to their tragic tale and although I beg of you to look away, I know very well that curiosity killed the cat and you are probably very curious about the Baudelaire case as was I and as was my associate. This is why you should listen to me when I tell you to turn away and don’t look back. It’s all downhill from here and although I have made it my duty to research this tale, you do not have to. You can look away now and interpret the rest of the story anyway you’d like. With no misery, no death, and no Count Olaf. But if you insist on reading further…

Their misfortune began one day at Briny Beach. The Baudelaire parents had asked Klaus if he could spend an afternoon at the beach with his baby sister, Sunny. At first, he was reluctant to go, he much rather stay inside the family library and read for hours and hours but when he noticed that it was grey and cloudy outside, Klaus jumped at the opportunity. Both Baudelaire children enjoyed when the beach was grey and foggy, this meant that Briny Beach would be desolate. When it was sunny out, Briny Beach was packed with tourists who were usually loud and obnoxious, but on days like this, the Baudelaire children found the beach more or less to themselves. 

So after quickly packing a few books into Sunny’s diaper bag, Klaus and Sunny bid their parents goodbye and left to catch the rickety trolley. The trolley ride was always Klaus’ least favorite part, his parents had always told him about stranger danger and if he were by himself it wouldn’t bother him as much but everyone liked to tell him how cute Sunny was or how precious she was. Klaus wasn’t bothered by the many compliments that were hailed Sunny’s way, it was when strangers would want to touch Sunny’s head or her cheek. It always freaked him out, man or woman, if Klaus didn’t know you then you weren’t allowed to touch his baby sister. Period. Point blank. Klaus was never too sure of anyone’s real intentions when they adored Sunny. Klaus wasn’t a tall young man and he wasn’t as tough as his father, so it made him uneasy. Anyone could push him down and take Sunny. So as he made his way to the back of the trolley car and sat down he placed Sunny on his lap using both of his arms to wrap around her like a seatbelt.

Sunny noticed that her brother was uneasy and looked up at him smiling, “bite,” she said simply. Sunny was an infant and because of this, she had a very limited vocabulary. She could say things like, “bite”, “book”, “teeth”, “mommy”, “dada”, and her brother’s favorite, “Klaus”. The rest of her diction was made up of unintelligible shrieks that only her family truly understood. But even when she spoke words that everyone could understand, the one simple word could mean a whole sentence, like for instance, when Sunny told her brother, “bite” that was her way of saying, “No need to worry, if anyone tries to take me I’ll bite them,” which was true. Sunny Baudelaire was armed with four very sharp teeth that she loved using to bite things and a very clever wit that matched that of her brother’s. Her father always said that spending all her time with Klaus had good and bad effects on her. Sunny was quite unusual for a baby.

Klaus smiled back at his sister, “I know. I know. You’re so big and bad, you don’t need me anymore,” he joked, putting on a pouty face.

Sunny rolled her eyes and giggled at this. “Polean,” which meant something along the lines of, “Oh, quit being so insecure. You’re my big brother. I’m always going to need you, silly,” 

Klaus smiled at this. He knew Sunny was more than capable of biting someone if they tried to hurt her or even Klaus, but he liked the feeling of being needed by someone else. Klaus hates to admit it but he was short for his age. He hated how both his parents towered over him. At a little older than twelve, Klaus still looked as though he was ten and although he didn’t have any older siblings to pick on him for it, it still bugged him. His mother keeps telling him that someday soon he will endure a growth spurt and possibly end up taller than her. Klaus wished for that day almost every night. If he felt more confident and more masculine than he wouldn’t be this uneasy on the trolley. It also didn’t help Klaus that with his glasses, he looked like a wimpier version of Harry Potter. Klaus remembers when his father first took him to get glasses, Klaus was a little nervous about the optometrist but he was also annoyed at the fact that he even needed glasses. His father had explained to him that on most people, glasses made them look more intelligent than they are. They even make people look more sophisticated than they are. Now, Klaus Baudelaire did not need glasses to make people think he was intelligent, because he  _ was  _ intelligent. The Baudelaire parents had an enormous library in their mansion filled with thousands of books on nearly any subject and Klaus spent a rather absurd amount of his life filling his head with the contents of their pages and everything he read, he remembered. Being only twelve, Klaus had not read every single book in the library. There were books on high shelves that he hasn’t gotten to yet and was slightly nervous to even attempt to read them after the atlas fiasco when he was ten. But Klaus had read nearly three-fourths of the entire library, which was an impressive feat all on it’s own but was even more impressive when you remember that Klaus was still just a mere child. 

Klaus noticed their stop was next and shakily stood up still clutching Sunny close. He wondered why his parents had ushered him and his sister out this morning, he shuddered at the thought that maybe they wanted alone time. Klaus hoped this wasn’t the case because although he loves Sunny with every fiber of his being, he did not want any more younger siblings. One was enough. One was more than he can handle. 

He placed their blanket down on the softest spot on the beach and then set Sunny down opening her diaper bag pulling out the books he had stuffed in there. He had brought three books with him,  _ Crawly Things From the Deep, The Cat in the Hat,  _ and  _ Disney’s Storybook Collection. _ As Sunny found a hard enough rock to bite, Klaus sat next to her and handed her the Dr. Seuss classic. 

Klaus had taken it upon himself to teach Sunny to read. He loved reading to her but he also loved teaching her things. He liked knowing that he was helping his sister with crucial skills like reading and talking. Klaus grabbed his book and sat next to his sister ready to help her with her book if she were to get stuck. The two children spent nearly an hour reading, biting and fetching. Sunny only asked for Klaus’ help with her book a few times which made him super proud of her. 

“You know, Mother and Father would be so proud of you, Sunny. You’re reading a book almost all by yourself,” he said happily.

“Utoo” she replied, which meant, “they’d be proud of you for teaching me”.

Both siblings smiled and returned to their activities only to be interrupted by Sunny pointing in the direction of the road and shrieking, “Gack!”, which probably meant, “Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog!”

Sure enough, Klaus looked in the direction his sister pointed and immediately saw what she was talking about. There was a tall figure striding toward the Baudelaire children, which made Klaus a bit uneasy. Quickly he picked up Sunny in one arm and held his book in the other. It wasn’t much but if he needed to, he’d throw the book at the figure’s head and start running away with Sunny.

“What do you think it is?” Klaus asked Sunny who simply shrugged. Sunny could tell her brother was tensing up due to the unnerving feeling of not knowing what was to happen next. 

“Unnone,” Sunny whispered to Klaus as if reading his mind, she probably meant something along the lines of, “It only seems scary because of all the mist,”

Klaus simply nodded and as the figure reached them, the children saw with relief that it was not anybody frightening or anyone who would want to intentionally hurt them; but rather somebody they knew: Mr. Poe. Mr. Poe was one of the Baudelaire parents’ friends and the children had an easy time remembering him because he was always coughing into a handkerchief. Mr. Poe stopped right in front of the children, Klaus quickly handed the book to Sunny and shook Mr. Poe’s hand. 

“How do you do?” 

“Odo yow!” Sunny shrieked.

“Fine, thank you.” Mr. Poe replied shaking Klaus’ hand. Klaus and Sunny couldn’t help but notice that Mr. Poe looked rather sad. For a few moments, nobody said anything, which started to worry Klaus. All he could ask himself was why was Mr. Poe here at Briny Beach in a suit nonetheless.

“It’s a nice day,” Klaus said finally breaking the uncomfortable and eerie silence.

“Yes, it is a nice day,” Mr. Poe said absently staring at the two children. “I am afraid I have some very bad news for you children.”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and then back at Mr. Poe with great anticipation. 

“Your parents,” Mr. Poe said pausing to begin a fit of coughing, which irritated Klaus, “have perished in a terrible fire.”

The two children didn’t say anything. Klaus felt his heart shatter and Sunny, who was a bit too young to fully understand what Mr. Poe was saying simply dropped the book she was holding for Klaus.

“They perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home. I’m very, very sorry to tell you this, my dears.”

Klaus took his eyes off Mr. Poe and stared out at the ocean.  _ No. No. This was just some cruel joke. Some super cruel, super unfunny joke that Mr. Poe was playing on Sunny and me.  _

“Perished,” Mr. Poe said, “means ‘killed’.”

_ “We know what ‘perished’ fucking means!”  _ Klaus shouted at Mr. Poe crossly. Usually Mr. Poe would have lectured Klaus about using that type of language especially in front of an impressionable infant but Mr. Poe was willing to let it slide right now. 

Sunny looked from Mr. Poe to her brother and notice her brother was crying. Crying harder than she’s ever seen him cry. 

“Syako” Sunny whimpered which was her way of saying, “It’s okay, Klaus.”

Klaus just shook his head but didn’t say anything. Mr. Poe could not be serious right now. There was no way his parents and his magnificent home was gone. 

“The official fire department arrived, of course but they were too late. The entire house was engulfed in fire. It burned to the ground.” Mr. Poe started, “When they say it is safe to, I will allow you to see what is...left of your home. Although I am sad to inform you it isn’t much.”

Klaus pictured the family library and all the books that it held going up in flames. Now he’d never read all of them. Sunny pictured her nursery and all of her teething rings and assorted toys melting away from the heat of the blaze. Both siblings dared not imagine what it would look like for their parents to burn to a crisp.

Mr. Poe coughed several times into his handkerchief before continuing. “I was sent to retrieve you here, and to take you to my home, where you’ll stay for some time while we figure things out. I am the executor of your parents’ estate. That means I will be figuring out where you children will go.”

Although he said he was the executor, Klaus felt like Mr. Poe was the executioner. He simply walked down the beach to him and Sunny and changed their lives forever. 

“Come with me,” Mr. Poe said, and held out his hand. Klaus quickly packed up Sunny’s diaper bag and took his hand and in that manner the two Baudelaire children became the two Baudelaire orphans as they walked away from the beach and from their previous lives. 

My associate and I have spent months of research and so many long nights of crying ourselves to sleep trying to discover the precise cause of the dreadful Baudelaires fire. And all we have learned is that neither the official fire department nor the volunteer fire department arrived in time to extinguish the flames, and within seconds the entire mansion was engulfed in flames. 

It’s useless for me to describe how terrible Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire felt in the time that followed. If you’ve ever lost anyone important to you, than you already knows how it feels and if you haven’t consider yourself lucky because you can't possibly imagine. For the Baudelaire orphans, it was especially awful because they had lost both their parents at the same time, and for several days they felt so miserable they could scarcely get out of bed. Klaus found he had little interest in books and Sunny bit things with less enthusiasm. 

Their time at Mr. Poe’s house was a dreadful one. Not only was Mr. Poe never around which honestly didn’t really bug the Baudelaire’s that much, his wife was always at home. Mrs. Poe was the editor in chief of the  _ Daily Punctilio  _ and all she enjoyed talking about were her articles and how excited her readers would be to read it. Klaus always rolled his eyes whenever she squealed “Wait until the readers of the  _ Daily Punctilio  _ read this!” Klaus would honestly have chosen to never read again if all he had to read was that rubbish. The Baudelaire parents were never shy to discuss their disdain for that specific newspaper, his parents never went into great detail about it but his mother did say once that the  _ Daily Punctilio  _ had caused her two great losses in life. Klaus never understood exactly what that meant and even when he had asked for his mother to clarify, she would quickly change the subject by stating that fate had decided what was to be done and she was happy with her current life even though she had experienced those losses. Mr. Poe also had two sons, Edgar and Albert. Klaus and Sunny didn’t really care for them either and hated the fact that they had to share a room with them. Mr. and Mrs. Poe had set up a small mattress on the floor in between the Poe brothers’ beds and even with Sunny being an infant, it was still a tight squeeze. Their stay at the Poe household only made them miss their parents and their home even more. So it made the Baudelaire orphans very happy when Poe announced one night during dinner that he had finally made arrangements for the two children. 

“Good,” said Albert, “Now we can get our room back. I’m tired of sharing it. Klaus is always moping around, and is never any fun.”

“And the baby bites,” Edgar said.

Klaus just rolled his eyes in their direction, “Where will we be going?” he asked nervously. Although he was more than happy to leave Mr. Poe’s house he was nervous about having a guardian. 

After a long fit of coughs, Mr. Poe replied, “I have made arrangements for you to be raised by a distant relative who lives on the other side of town. His name is Count Olaf.”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another unsure of what to think. They had never met a Count Olaf. Klaus doesn’t even remember a time where he had even heard that name. 

“Your parents’ will instructs that you be raised in the most convenient way possible by your closest living relative…” Mr. Poe began.

“How is Count Olaf related to us, exactly?” Klaus asked.

“He is either a third cousin four times removed, or a fourth cousin three times removed,” Mr. Poe stated after another fit of coughing.

“Roove,” Sunny stated meaning, “I think someone’s head is removed.”

Klaus made a soft chuckle at this quickly glancing Sunny’s way. “Mr. Poe I don’t believe that’s what ‘closest living relative’ means,”

“Of course it is.” Mr. Poe replied, “A consultant named Yessica Haircut informed me that the phrase meant closest geometrically,”

Klaus looked at Mr. Poe with a face of pure confusion. “I think you mean  _ geographically.  _ But either way that isn’t what that term means,”

Mr. Poe frowned. “Klaus didn’t your parents ever teach you that it’s impolite to argue with adults,”

Before Klaus could answer, Mrs. Poe came in the room holding what looked like two newspapers. “Look who made the front page!” she squealed and to the childrens’ dismay she held up an article detailing the fire that ruined their lives as they knew it and an article with a picture of them looking forlorn and miserable with the caption, “ _ We Feel Terrible and We Miss Our Parents Very Much.” _

Klaus sighed as Sunny shreiked, “Razzi!” which meant something along the lines of, “It’s kind of fucked up to exploit children's misery for your horrid newspaper!”

Mr. Poe looked at his wife, “Honey, maybe not in front of the…” He said gesturing to Klaus and Sunny. 

“Well, I thought it would cheer them up. They’re on the front page! A lot of people wait a lifetime for that! Now everyone will know that your house was destroyed and you’re orphans now!”

“May we be excused,” Klaus asked frowning. He didn’t want to continue this conversation. He couldn’t fathom how a grown woman couldn’t understand that two children wouldn’t want their misery splashed on the front page of any newspaper, let alone one so shitty and horrible.

Mr. Poe nodded, “You two should pack up your things, tomorrow morning I will take you to see what remains of your home and then off to your new guardian. Isn’t that exciting?”

Klaus and Sunny didn’t answer. Klaus merely stood up and picked up Sunny holding her close. The two orphans could not imagine things getting worse than they already were. So as Klaus packed up the few belongings he and Sunny had to their names, he pondered about what life with Count Olaf would be like. Although he was sure that his parents had never mentioned any Counts, he was curious. Maybe this Count Olaf was a kind man, who would have a nice room filled with books and maybe he was preparing a room in his house to be a nursery for Sunny, like the one the Baudelaire parents had set up next to Klaus’ room. As Klaus and Sunny spent their last night in Mr. Poe’s house both children wondered what was next in their life and if life was ever going to feel the same again. 

The next morning, the ride to their old mansion seemed interminably long. Klaus and Sunny had a huge pit in their stomachs as they got closer and closer to the remains of their old home. During the few days they spent at the Poe residence, both Baudelaires couldn’t help but imagine what their house looked like now. As Poe stopped his car in front of the dark, burnt remains of the Baudelaire mansion, but children realized that they could not possibly imagine the damage the fire had caused. The structure of the mansion was destroyed. You could scarcely tell a beautiful, well kept home had been here. The air smelled of smoke and ash even days after the fire. Klaus held Sunny close to him as he absentmindedly began to walk around the rubble. All he could see was charred wood, and piles and piles of ash. Nothing survived the fire, it seemed. Paintings and photographs that once hung proudly on the walls were gone. Nothing but ash and charred wood. Their mother’s favorite vase was a shattered mess on the ground. Klaus’ favorite pen had turned to ash along with the entire Baudelaire library. For Klaus, this was the worst room to see, he knelt down and touched a pile of ash wondering which books it was comprised of. His favorite reading chair was utterly destroyed. All of Sunny’s teething rings had melted. When they reached what Klaus assumed to be the remains of Sunny’s nursery, Sunny let out a small cry because everything her parents had given her was gone. All the cute decorations of cute little sharks and piranhas was a distant memory. Her mobile had fallen inside her crib and melted while the crib itself melted and charred. The children could see glimpses and traces of the beautiful home they once shared with their parents but it was all gone. Fragments of their grand piano made Klaus think of their father and how he loved to play a tune while their mother would sing. A scorched cushion of a window seat in the living room reminded Sunny of when her mother would sit and read to her. Everything was gone. The fire left them with nothing.

Mr. Poe after yet another fit of coughing broke the silence, “I’ve never gone through anything like this but I can imagine just how you feel.”

“I don’t think you can,” Klaus replied in a low voice trying his best to hold back tears. 

“Gone,” Sunny chimed in unenthusiastically.

“I just want to assure you Baudelaires that you have absolutely nothing…”

“We have absolutely nothing.” Klaus said absentmindedly.

After a sad sigh, Mr. Poe replied, “...to worry about.”

As they passed by their father’s old desk, Sunny peered into and saw something that caught her eye, “Wadoo yee,” she shreiked reaching her hand out to point at the mysterious object. Klaus quickly looked down and saw exactly what Sunny saw. As he went to pick it up half of it crumbled into ash before the two children's eyes. 

“As the executor of your parents estate I will be handling all matters concerning everything they left behind,” Mr. Poe began.

Still looking at the object skeptically, Klaus replied, “What did they leave behind?”

“Financial security!” 

Klaus continued to examine the object as Mr. Poe continued to ramble on. 

“Your parents left behind an enormous fortune which will be yours when Klaus comes of age. Until then you will live with your dear Count Olaf, who will raise you in place of your parents.” Mr. Poe explained.

After a few more moments in the burnt remains of their old house, Mr. Poe gestured for Klaus and Sunny to follow him back to his car so he could drop them off to Count Olaf’s home. 

“Say goodbye, Baudelaires,” Mr. Poe said.

As he drove away, Klaus and Sunny couldn’t help but watch as they drove away from their previous lives. Both siblings felt miserable and felt alone, but as Klaus wiped tears from Sunny’s cheek. Sunny reached out her hand as if she can grab ahold of the past and bring her happy life with her parents back.

“Goodbye.” Sunny whispered as she hugged her brother.


	3. The One Where The Baudelaires Meet Count Olaf

**Chapter Two:**

_ The One Where the Baudelaires Meet Count Olaf _

The ride to Count Olaf’s was as unpleasant as both children imagined it would be. Mr. Poe had just shown them the burned remains of their mansion and they couldn’t help but think of their poor parents and how horrible it must have been to die in such a matter. Sunny, of course, only being an infant had a harder time understanding the ramifications of the entire situation but Klaus didn’t. Klaus shuddered at the mere fact that his parents had technically been burned alive. Klaus had hoped that maybe just maybe it was quick and painless. Being burned alive had to be a very unpleasant way to go and Klaus had always hoped that when his parents died it would be quick and painless but now that he thought more about it, he feared that the exact opposite of his hopes had happened. Part of him could hear their agonizing screams and it made him tense up. 

Klaus was taken out of his dark thoughts when Poe announced that they had arrived. Holding Sunny close with her diaper bag around his shoulder and his very small suitcase in hand, Klaus began to walk up the walkway of the prettiest house on the block. The bricks of this house had been cleaned very well. They were a nice shade of pink that was highlighted even more in the ever-present sunlight that shone on the house. The children could tell that the house was maintained and well kept. Peering slightly through several wide-open windows they could see an assortment of well-groomed indoor plants. Sunny noticed that the front garden was just as beautiful as the inside of the house, it was occupied by many beautifully colored flowers that complimented both all the other flowers around it and the house as a whole. In the front yard stood an older woman who looked smartly dressed and sweet. She was smiling and waving towards the two children. 

“Hello! Shalom! Salutations! You must be the Baudelaire children,” the elder woman said smiling down at Klaus and his baby sister.

“Hello. Good morning. My name is Klaus Baudelaire and this is my sister, Sunny…” Klaus blushed, “I apologize for not shaking your hand but my hands are quite full.” He politely gestured to his suitcase and Sunny.

“Hi!” Sunny chimed in waving her little hand at the elder woman and giving her a big toothy grin.

“Good morning. My name is Justice Strauss,”

Klaus looked at her puzzled almost immediately forgetting his manners, “Justice is a very peculiar fire name.”

Justice Strauss gave a small chuckle, “Justice is my title. I am a member of the High Court.”

“That sounds very interesting.”

“It _ is _very interesting.”

“Are you Count Olaf’s wife?” Klaus asked.

Justice Strauss couldn’t help but shudder at the mere thought. “Oh...no no no no no, he’s...well, he’s my neighbor. His house is over there,” she said pointing her finger across the street.

Both Klaus and Sunny turned to see where the sweet older woman was pointing at they both had the same initial reaction. Their smiles faded and their hearts got heavy with sadness as their stomachs filled with a sick mixture of dread and nervousness. Count Olaf’s home was the exact opposite of Justice Strauss’. It was composed of dark, grey bricks that had grime oozing out on just about every brick as if no one had even attempted to wash them in more than fifty years. Some of the windows were either cracked or entirely shattered. The front door was nearly in disrepair with paint chips and cracks all along it. The children could see, even from across the street, carved into the middle of the door seemed to be the image of a weirdly shaped eye. An eye Klaus swears he has seen before but he couldn’t put his finger on it. The front yard was absolutely atrocious and had dead pigeons scattered here and there. Along Olaf’s house was a long tower that was a bit lopsided. Klaus would guess that the tower was about thirty maybe forty feet tall. He shuddered at the fact that he and his sister were to live _ there. _If the outside of the house looked this bad, he didn’t want to see the inside. 

“Oh…aac,” Sunny shouted which was her way of saying, “Let’s sleep outside.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Klaus asked under his breath as Poe seemed unbothered by the condition of Olaf’s unkempt house and proceeded to walk Klaus and Sunny towards it.

“It was nice to meet you, Justice Strauss,” Klaus called to her as he begrudgingly followed Mr. Poe towards their new home.

“It was nice to meet you, too. Perhaps one day you could come over and help me with my gardening.” Justice Strauss called out to the young boy and his baby sister.

“That would be very lovely,” Klaus replied as Sunny waved to Justice Strauss. 

Klaus frowned as he reached Count Olaf’s doorstep. It would be lovely to help Justice Strauss with her gardening, in all honesty, it would be very lovely if the children were to live there with her instead of here in this health inspector’s nightmare. But Klaus forced a smile on his face. He knew this was just as shitty for Sunny as it was for him, so as her big brother he had to power through it with some optimism. Maybe then, Sunny could have at least a false sense of hope. 

Mr. Poe rang the doorbell while he had another coughing fit after waiting a few moments, he proceeded to right the doorbell again. “That’s odd...He said specifically he was waiting very eagerly to get his hands on you.” 

Klaus looked at Mr. Poe with a bit of concern. “That’s an odd...way of wording it. Don’t you think?”

“I wonder what would be taking him. I mean he could be very busy, he is an actor, you know,” Mr. Poe said completely ignoring Klaus’ statement.

“Count?” Sunny asked which meant, “I thought he was a Count?” Klaus was quick to translate for his baby sister.

“Well, he’s both an actor and a Count. Isn’t that exciting, children?” Mr. Poe asked ringing the doorbell for the seventh time.

Finally, the door opened with a loud creak that made Klaus hold onto Sunny tighter.

“Hello hello hello,” a voice called out to the children and the idiotic banker. “I am your beloved Count Olaf.”

Count Olaf was a very tall and very thin man. He was dressed in a grey suit that had many dark stains on it. His face was unshaven, and rather than having two eyebrows, like most human beings, he had just one long one. His eyes were very, very shiny, which frightened the two youngsters because it made Count Olaf look both hungry and angry. “Hello, my children. Please step into your new home and wipe your feet outside so no mud gets inside. Oh, and don’t forget your enormous fortune.”

Klaus shakingly took a step into Count Olaf’s home and found himself in the dirtiest room he had ever seen in his entire life. He kept a hold on Sunny afraid to put her down in such a disgusting pigsty. He found it a little ridiculous that Olaf asked them to wipe their feet. Klaus thought a little bit of mud tracked in would not have changed the room at all. 

Mr. Poe followed Klaus inside and looked around the living room. There was a dim light that hung from the ceiling, which made the room have an eerie feeling than it already had. There was a stuffed lion head that was nailed to the wall and a bowl of apple cores that sat on a small wooden table. Klaus noticed a fireplace was also in the room but it looked as though it hadn’t been cleaned in ages. “This room looks like it needs a little work,” Mr. Poe stated after a large fit of coughs.

“I realize that my humble abode isn’t as fancy as the _ Baudelaire mansion _but perhaps, children, with a bit of your money we could fix it up a bit.” Count Olaf stated with a strangely bitter tone. 

Mr. Poe’s eyes widened in surprise and his coughs echoed in the darkroom “Now, Count Olaf, the Baudelaire fortune will not be used for such matters. In fact, it will not be used at all until Klaus is of age.”

Count Olaf glared at Mr. Poe, for a second Sunny thought he was going to smack Mr. Poe which she was eagerly awaiting. But unfortunately for her, he hadn’t. Count Olaf turned to glance at the two children. “I say, you two are a gloomy-looking bunch. Why so glum?”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and then at Count Olaf. Sunny glanced down and noticed that not only did Count Olaf’s pant leg not cover his leg entirely, but she could also see that he had a strange tattoo of an eye on his left ankle. The same eye that was carved into the front door. She couldn’t imagine why any person would be so obsessed with eyes that they’d not only decorate their front door with such a thing but plaster it on themselves, too. 

“...our parents just died…” Klaus said still confused at Olaf’s initial question.

“Ah, yes. The fire.” Olaf said as his eyes got shinier as though he was telling a joke. “Well, children I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had,”

“Dada!” Sunny yelled which meant, “We had a father, you fuck.” Klaus only half translated angrily.

“Yes and a mother, too. Remarkable woman. Flammable.” 

Klaus and Sunny both glared at Count Olaf. 

“Mr. Poe, I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted,” Count Olaf turned to Mr. Poe, “So...do I have to sign for them or something?”

“What? No. No.”

“Well, as we say in the theatre. Exit stage right.” Olaf replied practically pushing Mr. Poe out the door.

“Goodbye, Klaus. Goodbye Sunny. I hope you’ll be happy here. I’ll still check in on you occasionally. If you need anything or have any questions, you can always reach me at the bank.”

“But we don’t know where the bank is,” Klaus replied

“I have a map of the city,” Count Olaf said. “Goodbye, Mr. Poe.” 

Before Mr. Poe could say a last goodbye to the Baudelaire children, Count Olaf had slammed the door in his face. Olaf slowly turned to the young boy and his baby sister. Klaus dropped his suitcase so he could hold Sunny tighter as Olaf crept towards them. 

“Well, children, before I give you a tour of your new home, aren’t you going to ask your guardian “How do you do?”” Olaf asked smiling down at the two children.

With his voice shaking with fear, Klaus looked up at Count Olaf and asked, “H-how d-d-do you do?” 

Olaf leaned in towards the two children which was easy for him to do seeing that he towered over Klaus in stature. “How do I do? Better and better, Baudelaires. _ Better and better.” _

The dreadful villainy of this vile fiend has haunted my associate and me ever since we started to take on the case of the Baudelaires. Thankfully neither my associate nor myself have had the displeasure of meeting Count Olaf but from what we have gathered in our studies and what my associate has gathered through her intense interviews with key witnesses of the Baudelaire case, we can not help but weep when we think of this man’s utter wickedness and severe lack of theatrical talent. 

“Do you know what this is?” Olaf asked the two children as he unraveled a list in their face.

“List!” Sunny shouted.

“_ Wrong! _It’s a list. A list of chores. I bet rich brats like yourselves are so spoiled that you have never done a chore in your life.”

“Actually, I helped a lot around the house. Usually with Sunny.” Klaus replied with a snarky tone.

Olaf tilted his head and stared at Klaus. “Well, that’s good. I don’t do diapers.” He said as he made a disgusted face towards Sunny.

“Carene!” Sunny yelled which probably meant, “Back off parrot face!” 

Olaf sneered at Sunny and Klaus turned her away from their new guardian.

“Why don’t I show you your new house, orphans,” Olaf asked after a second of calming down. He gestured for the children to follow him. Klaus picked up his suitcase and followed Olaf into several rooms. 

“This is the kitchen, where you may help yourselves to meals. I know what you’re thinking. This place could use a little TLC. I’m assuming you’ve had your shots, polio, smallpox, typhoid, malaria?” Olaf asked as Klaus and Sunny followed him into the worst kitchen they’d ever seen. Klaus could see dead roaches here and there, there was a trail of ants on one of the counters. The dishes were piled high and not just in the sink either. Some were on the counters and piles of dishes could also be found on the floor. Sunny gagged and Klaus sighed as he looked around this awful room. Both children kept thinking “who could live like this?” 

Next Olaf led them into a room with a ceiling that was practically gone. “This is the entertainment room. I’m sure the ceiling can be brought up to code in no time,” He smirked in Sunny’s direction. “You’re not afraid of heights, are you?” 

“Bitch,” Sunny mumbled under her breath. Klaus hoped Count Olaf didn’t hear her. He gave Sunny a look begging her to just stay quiet for the time being. Sunny rolled her eyes but slightly nodded her head at her brother. 

Count Olaf gestured for the children to continue to follow him, “This way,” he called out as he and the children passed a long winding staircase. 

“What’s up there?” Klaus asked.

Count Olaf stopped in his tracks and leaned very close to the Baudelaire youngsters. “That is my tower room. Which you are never to go...under _ any _circumstances.” Klaus stepped back and Olaf made a gagging sound to illustrate his disgust with the two children. 

“This is the library,” Count Olaf stated, “which you will keep well-dusted. This is where I do all my reading.” Klaus smiled at the word ‘library’ but his heart shattered into a million tiny pieces when he got a glimpse of the room that Olaf described as a ‘library’. There were no books, just empty bookshelves that were incredibly dusty. The furniture in this room looked torn, run-down, and if Klaus and Sunny didn’t know any better was probably just as dusty as the empty bookcases and full of bugs. Scattered throughout the room were empty wine bottles. 

“That is the ballroom, which I do not use at all. You’ll have to redo the floors.” He stated simply pointing into the direction of a different room. He took the children to a small room that had clothes hung up on clothing lines. “This is the laundry room, you can hang my underwear on that rack after you’ve washed it.” Sunny gagged under her breath and Klaus grimaced. 

He ushered the children to the backyard and both children weren’t surprised to see that it was in the same condition as the front yard and the rest of the house. “This is your new backyard which needs weeding, mowing and pruning. This will also where you will chop wood.” 

He then took the children upstairs to a small room that contained the dirtiest toilet the Baudelaire children ever witnessed along with a small tub, which was as grimy as the toilet and a very tiny sink. “Bathroom number seven, the only one you are allowed to use. It has all the usual amenities. The management is happy to tell you that the shampoo is not tear-free, honestly, it encourages tears.” The two children saw a rat scurried from one side of the bathroom to the next. “Rats bite.”

Sunny had had enough. “I bite!” she yelled in Olaf’s direction. Klaus’ heart began to pound as Count Olaf’s shiny eyes glared at Sunny. He then looked up at Klaus. “If you know what’s good for her...you’d keep her under control.” He said in such a chilling tone. Klaus simply nodded and followed Count Olaf finally to their bedroom. 

“Finally, this is where you’ll sleep, orphans,” Olaf said as Klaus dropped his suitcase and Sunny’s diaper bag. He looked around the grey and filthy room. Spider webs were all over the walls and ceiling, there was only one window that faced the direction of the sun, and in the middle of the room, both Baudelaire orphans saw that Count Olaf provided them with one bed. A bed that looked worse than the tiny mattress that Mr. Poe had ‘generously’ provided for them. Klaus was utterly speechless and Sunny was looking around the room looking for things she could bite. She happily saw a pile of rocks in the corner and gave a small smile. “Out of all the numerous bedrooms in my enormous home, I have selected this one for your safety and comfort.”

“...there’s only one bed…” Klaus stated absentmindedly trying to process everything.

“As you can see, I have provided at no cost to you this complimentary pile of rocks. Maybe you can throw them at each other or whatever. I honestly don’t care what you two do in your free time as long as you do every chore on your daily chore list.” Count Olaf said. “Thoughts?”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. They had many thoughts actually. Many ill-mannered, ill-tempered thoughts. Some ranging from how disgusting and vile of a person Count Olaf had to be to allow his house to ever fall into this amount of disrepair to thoughts about how cruel and vicious Olaf was for only giving the children one bed and a long list of daily chores. But Klaus and Sunny were too frightened to say anything. Klaus knew if he said even the slightest thing, he wouldn’t stop. So he just looked at Count Olaf. 

Count Olaf looked at the two children and leaned in close to them, “I know your first impression of me may be that I’m a terrible person. But in time, Baudelaires, I hope you come to realize..._ you haven’t the faintest idea. _” He said sending chills down the Baudelaires’ backs. “I’ll give you some time to unpack.” 

With that Count Olaf exited the room, leaving Klaus and Sunny alone with their thoughts. Klaus careful sat Sunny down on the one bed and he just couldn’t fathom how Count Olaf thought this was appropriate for two children. Sunny should have a crib...or at least a better bed than this one. Klaus started pacing back and forth which began to scare Sunny. 

“Quid?” Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, “What’s wrong, Klaus?”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong, Sunny,” Klaus said angrily. “You know I’ve got a good feeling about this.”

“Huh?” Sunny asked looking at her brother with a bit of worry and confusion. 

“I mean he seems like a _ great _ guy...I mean this room needs a little fixing up but that’s nothing some paint, lumber, and rat traps wouldn’t fix.” He yelled still pacing the room. He glared at the small bed again, “Ooh... _ one bed fucking fantastic!” _

“Territo,” Sunny replied in a small whimper, which meant, “Klaus, you’re scaring me.”

“_ I’m _ scaring you?” Klaus asked her not realizing how serious his baby sister was. “What are we even doing here? Our parents are _ gone. _ Our house _ burnt down. _These things don’t just happen. Now, we’re stuck with this fucker.”

“Accidit,” Sunny replied as she began to cry, this probably meant, “Maybe these things do just happen. Maybe it’s all just a cruel coincidence.”

Klaus just shook his head still pacing the room not noticing that his sister was crying. “These things _ can’t _just happen.” He said more to himself.

“Gothis,” Sunny replied as her crying became louder and more apparent. This meant something along the lines of, “We’ll get through this...won’t we?”

“How? How Sunny?” Klaus replied as he sat next to her on the bed.

Sunny simply shrug and began to cry even harder. She crawled her way to her brother and sat in his lap and cried. After a few moments, Klaus wiped her tears from her eyes and smiled at her. He realized that he had to be strong for her. He was all she had now. “We’re it, now. It’s just us...Sunny. We’ll get through this, I promise. We will make this work.”


	4. The One Where Violet's Invention Works

** _Chapter Three:_ **

_ The One Where Violet’s Invention Works _

Lemony Snicket could not believe his ears. There was no way that Arthur Poe was taking those children to Olaf’s. That was _ never _the plan. When Beatrice was pregnant with Violet, she and Lemony always agreed that Violet would be sent off to Montgomery Montgomery if anything were to happen to both of them or Bertrand. Olaf was never a part of that plan. Even when everything in VFD was perfect and fine. Olaf never struck either of them as a parental type. He’d be as good of a father as Esme Squalor would be a good mother, which was very unlikely. Both of these characters from Snicket’s past were narcissistic and only truly cared about themselves when it came down to it. So Lemony knew this was a huge mistake. A mistake he had to fix. But how? He was on the lam after all and anyone who knew of his innocence believed him to be dead. 

When he finally made it back home, Violet looked at him questioningly. “Why are you covered in ashes?” she asked looking at his suit.

“Oh, just some on the side investigating,” He half-lied. “Have to pay the bills somehow.”

Violet looked at her father in utter confusion. “What are you investigating?”

“Oh, honey. That’s not important. I’m home I really don’t want to talk about work,” He said trying to desperately change the subject. “So how have you been,”

He hadn’t noticed when he walked in, but Violet’s hair was tied up in her classic red ribbon. “I’ve been working on an invention.” 

“Of course and what has my brilliant inventive daughter come up with this time?” he asked smiling. He was always happy to hear about Violet’s inventions. 

“Well you see,” she said untying her ribbon allowing her brown locks to fall passed her shoulders. “I’ve combined this old toaster with our grandfather clock...I am trying to get the clock to control the toaster but you see…” Violet knelt down next to the invention and Lemony took a seat on the other side of it. “I’m having a problem with the grandfather clock,”

“Can you show me what the specific issues are?” Lemony asked, “Maybe your old man can help.”

“Of course, Mr. Lemons,” Violet said with a small giggle. She, of course, being fourteen had outgrown her nickname she had given her father when she was just a young girl but she knew how much it made her father happy to hear that his little girl was still his little girl. Violet started up her invention and to the untrained eye, it seemed as though it worked flawlessly like all of her other inventions had. “See? It toasts the bread but the minute hand keeps falling behind five minutes.” 

Lemony merely nodded. He was someone with an untrained eye because he hadn’t noticed that. “It...could be a problem with the gears?” he replied, trying his best to be of some assistance to her.

“Well, that would be disappointing. I made them myself,” she replied sighing.

Lemony stood up, “Well maybe you should come back to this one. I know you’ll figure it out kiddo, you always do.”

Violet nodded her head but didn’t look back up at him. She had the stubbornness of her damn mother. She tied up her hair again and went to work trying to determine the issue with her invention. Lemony smiled as he walked to his small desk. 

At least she was distracted with an invention, that gave him time to figure out where to start in his quest to figure out what happened to Beatrice and what he could do to help her children. There was no way he was going to sit back and allow Count Olaf to take custody of those kids. Especially when he knew that Olaf hated Beatrice and Bertrand, and him for that matter. Those kids were not safe. He looked over his shoulders and made sure Violet wasn’t watching him as he unfolded the newspaper article and began to cut out the picture of the two kids and the picture of the burnt remains of the Baudelaire home. He made sure to cut out any mention of the word ‘Baudelaire’. He couldn’t let Violet know what had happened to her birth mother. Not yet, at least. He had no idea how to go about telling her that all of his research and investigating had failed them both. He was never able to locate Beatrice and she was living in the same city for who knows how long. He also didn’t want her to learn about the fact that she had two half-siblings, whom she couldn’t help. It was his fault, that they couldn’t help in the best, most sensible way possible. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he had to protect her. There were too many secrets in his past that were better left unsaid. He would one day explain everything just not today. Not any time soon. She was still a child, he wanted her to keep her childhood for as long as she could. Heaven knows, he didn’t get that chance. He remembers being thirteen when he had started his apprenticeship and he remembers his siblings being even younger than that. It was somewhat of a blessing, as well as a curse for everyone he knew to think that he was dead because that meant none of them knew about Violet’s existence, which ultimately meant that at least right now, she was safe. 

He tacked the two black and white pictures on the wall in front of his desk and began to jot down notes. He needed intel. He thought about who he could call. Who he could trust with the knowledge that he was alive and well. He refused to mention anything about his daughter. There was no one he trusted with that information, not even his siblings. They were still too involved with VFD. They always had been. Lemony feared they always will be. He, too, at one point in his life was very much into VFD and their rhetoric but so many horrible events in his life changed that. Did he still follow them? Yes. Loosely though. He had to. That way he would know the phrases or codes that would help him detect if someone was VFD or not. Like the storekeeper. The storekeeper had commented that they ‘didn’t realize this was a sad occasion’, Lemony knew, just like any VFD member knew, that the correct response to that statement is ‘the world is quiet here’. But Lemony bolted out of there with Violet before the storekeeper could recognize him. 

He thought long and hard. Mr. Poe worked at Mulctuary Money Management...Lemony was sure that there was someone at the bank from VFD in charge of making sure things go according to plan. There had to be. This organization wouldn’t leave their precious future recruits solely in the hands of one of the most incompetent bankers that Lemony had ever had the displeasure of meeting. Lemony took the chance and looked up the number to the bank in the phonebook he found in the drawer of the motel room’s nightstand. 

“Mulctuary Money Management. Mr. Poe’s office.” a woman answered.

Lemony didn’t recognize the voice but he hadn’t been in the loop with this organization in nearly fourteen years. He sighed and turned again to Violet to make sure she was tinkering with her invention and not eavesdropping on his conversation. “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.” He whispered into the phone.

He could hear the woman gasp and he thought he heard her drop a pen on the floor and scurry under her desk but he could be mistaken. “The world is quiet here,” she replied in a whisper. “May I ask who’s speaking?”

Lemony closed his eyes. “Snicket.” 

“Jacques?” 

“No.” 

“Well, Kit...you sure have mastered the art of sounding like a man. I couldn’t tell it was you at all,” the woman replied.

“No...I am not Kit, either,” he replied still glancing over at Violet.

“Well. You can’t be Lemony. He’s dead.” 

“Not as dead as Beatrice,” he replied in a low whisper.

“L-lemony? Is it really you. _ The Daily Punctilio…” _the woman began.

“_ The Daily Punctilio _is lucky I haven’t decided to sue them for defamation and the only reason I haven’t sued them is that I am on the run.” 

“Where have you been all this time?” 

Lemony looked again to his daughter. “I’ve been in hiding. But that doesn’t matter right now. That’s not why I called. I called regarding the Baudelaire case.” 

“Oh.” the woman replied. Lemony could hear in the background that a man, he assumed to be Mr. Poe since Lemony could hear this same person in a fit of coughing yelling at the woman. 

“Jacquelyn! Jacquelyn!” he could hear Mr. Poe call out.

“Now isn’t a very good time, Snicket,” Jacquelyn replied. “Why don’t we meet somewhere and we can have a chit chat about _ that _.” 

“Fine with me. Although, you will have to meet on _ my _terms. I am on the run and I can’t afford to get caught. I have...I have too much to lose.” Lemony replied.

“Where will we meet?” Jacquelyn replied as she rolled her eyes when Mr. Poe called out her name again.

“Meet me at the building where this all began.” He said simply. “Tonight. 9 o’clock. Come alone.” 

“Got it,” Jacquelyn replied hanging up.

Lemony hung up the phone and was startled to see Violet was now right behind him. “Dear God, sweetie. Are you trying to give your old man a heart attack?” 

Violet smiled, “Maybe…” 

“Did you get the grandfather clock to work?” 

“Yeah.” 

“What’s next on the agenda of Miss Violet Snicket?”

Violet shrugged her shoulders. “Well, I was hoping to work on my invention that would help me retrieve a rock that I’ve skipped into the ocean but to do that...we’d have to go to Briny Beach.” 

Lemony thought about it. He hated going out in public, especially to places that would be more likely to be crowded. He glanced out the window. It was a dark, cloudy day. Briny Beach was usually desolate on days like this. He looked at Violet who was wearing her famous puppy dog face.

“Please Mr. Lemons,” she asked keeping her puppy dog face in full view. Lemony sighed. 

“I can be ready in ten minutes…” He said.

The trip to Briny Beach was a quick one. Lemony was lucky enough to have a taxi cab as a car from his days in VFD. He used this on rare occasions and after the stint in the store, he didn’t want to risk being recognized anywhere else. He also was simply not in the mood for interactions of any sort. 

Violet glanced out the car window. “It’s so weird that we have a taxi,” 

“I told you, Violet. Your uncle gave it to me a long time ago.”

“I know. I know. After he helped you escape the authorities. So when will I be old enough to know what really happened that day?”

“Hmmm...how old are you now?” Lemony joked as if he didn’t already know the answer to that.

“Fourteen.” 

“Maybe when you’re fifteen.” He watched her smile fade. He knew she hated secrets, she hated not knowing things especially things about her parents. “Why do you want to know such a dreadful story anyway? It’s not like it ends happily…”

“Well, if you think about it, it hasn’t ended yet. It can still end happily.”

“Spoken like a true optimist.” 

“I’m not an optimist, I’m a realist. Besides, _ you’re the one _who told me that stories don’t truly have a beginning or end. They all interject into each other, new stories begin in other stories and life is just a bunch of stories sewn into one.” Violet stated matter of factly, “and all endings are not real endings just new beginnings to different stories.”

“Trust me. This story doesn’t end happily, Vi.”

“I want to believe it still can. We can find her one day. We can be a happy family.” 

Lemony frowned at this. He knew he had to tell her, it just didn’t seem right. She was happy, she was excited about her newest invention and he knew this news would kill her. He just gave her a small smile. “Well, I will say...the story did get happier after a while.”

“Why?” she asked glancing out at the window again.

“I may have lost her...and everything else but I gained the whole world.” He said simply looking at her and not paying attention to the road. Violet smiled at him. “I gained my daughter and sure, it wasn’t due to circumstances that either of us liked but in a way, I do have everything I ever wanted.”

“Except for her,” Violet stated.

“But I have _ you.” _He reiterated. “You know, you remind me so much of her every day, Vi.”

Violet looked down at her locket and opened it up to look at the picture of her birth mother that Lemony had put in the locket for her. The picture was one of Beatrice from one of her stints at the opera house. She wore a gorgeous dragonfly costume and she was smiling holding a bouquet of violets in her hand. 

“She named you after her favorite flower and color, you know.” 

Violet nodded but kept looking at the picture. “How’s your investigation going? Have you found any new leads?” she asked hopefully not looking up from her locket.

Lemony sighed, keeping his eyes on the road, “Nothing yet. But I am sure some news will come up.”

“I hope so, I wish nothing more to meet her.” 

“I know. I wish you could meet her, too.”

“Do you know what I would tell her if I ever have the pleasure of meeting her?” 

“I don’t think you’ve ever told me…” Lemony began.

“I would tell her that I understand...I understand why she had to give me away. I would tell her that I don’t hate her, even if she continued living her life and got married to another man and had other children; I would tell her that I understand...the timing was off.” 

Lemony was taken back by what his daughter just said. He had always believed most kids with the upbringing that his daughter had would show some resentment towards the absent parent. It’s not like he wanted her to hate Beatrice, he much rather she is understanding and respectful...it was just quite odd to him. He glanced at his daughter as he began to park the taxi alongside the beach’s entrance. Maybe he didn’t completely fail Violet. Maybe he was doing a good job being a father to her. For her to be this mature at such a young age, he wondered. “That’s...very mature of you, Violet.” 

Violet smiled. “Honestly, it would do me no good to hate her. How would we ever have any kind of relationship if I don’t at least meet her halfway.”

As Violet got out of the car and raced down the desolate beach, Lemony trudged slowly behind her. He wanted to cry. He wanted to just break down right then and there in the hot sands of this beach. Violet was so optimistic about meeting her birth mother and unknowing to her, she would never get that opportunity now. It made him feel only a bit better that Violet doesn’t hate Beatrice. But what if she knew the truth? What if she knew about VFD and what he and Beatrice did to fuck up their lives so much? Would her opinion on Beatrice change? Would her opinion on _ him _change? He couldn’t afford that. When it came down to it, Violet was his only family. Unfortunately, for Violet, that sentiment worked both ways. He was her only family...that she knew of. He quickly thought about Beatrice’s other children. He hoped Count Olaf wasn’t harming them in any way. Tonight, he would talk to Jacquelyn and figure this all out. Maybe he would be able to get everything on track...maybe...just maybe. 

When he finally reached Violet she was already setting up her picnic basket in the sand and looking around for a rock. He watched as she began to tie up her hair to keep it out of her eyes. “Need any help, hun?”

“No...not yet. Do you know the angle of the prevailing currents?” she asked not looking up at him as she was too busy looking for the right projectile. Lemony merely shrugged. “It’s fine...it’s more important if I can find the right projectile.”

She reached down and grabbed a regular looking grey rock. “Do you think this would work?” 

“Hmmm...maybe we should find a rock that’s not sandstone?” Lemony replied.

“Ah-Ha!” Violet cried out as she picked up a smooth disc-shaped rock. She studied it with a puzzled look on her face. “Are these teeth marks?” 

Lemony rushed to her and examined the rock himself, he had never seen a rock so smooth and disc-shaped before in his life. He could see what Violet was talking about. The rock did look like it had teeth marks on it but Lemony couldn’t think of what kind of animal or marine life could have made such teeth marks.

“They look human-like,” Violet said still studying the rock, forgetting about her invention. 

“Violet...there’s no way a human-made those marks. What kind of human would bite a rock?” Lemony replied laughing.

“I don’t know. A baby with piranha teeth? Maybe?” 

“Now, Violet. Doesn’t that seem silly to you? A baby..._ a human baby _ with piranha teeth? Honestly, with an imagination like this, you should dabble in writing.” 

Violet rolled her eyes. “When I was a baby, I had sharp teeth.”

“Not sharp enough to bite a rock,” Lemony replied laughing. 

“I’m still going to say it was a baby with piranha teeth.” She said laughing. “Whoever or whatever it was...I wish I could thank. This is the best projectile for this invention.”

Violet pulled out a small piece of white chalk from her pocket marking the rock with an X. She placed it into her left hand. 

“Violet? Why are you using your left hand?”

“I’m curious to see if I can skip the rock further with my left hand than my right.”

“Now, you know I don’t mean to criticize but standard scientific method calls for stable systematics. You should use your right hand.”

Violet laughed but smiled at her father. He was right. She hated when he was right but he had to give him credit. He was paying attention to her attentively as he always had. The attention made her feel special. She knew she was his entire world and he was her entire world but it made her feel special to have a father who not only believed everything she created was the work of a mechanical genius but she had a father who paid very close attention to her and her inventions so much that he even noticed her trying to change which hand she would use to skip the rock. She placed the rock into her right hand, “That does seem sensible,” she replied as she skipped the rock using her right hand. The rock went far into the ocean, skipping about eight times. 

“Dad, what was that thing Einstein said?” she asked smiling.

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.”

“Now, what’s that thing James Brown said?”

He chuckled, “I got something that makes me want to shout. I’ve got something that tells me what it’s all about.” 

Violet smiled turning a small knob on her invention and Lemony couldn’t believe his eyes, a mechanical arm rushed out of the picnic basket and extended itself to the far depths of the sea. After a moment, it stopped and the mechanical hand went into the ocean and in mere moments, the hand reappeared above the water holding the same rock that Violet had marked with an X. The mechanical arm reeled itself in after dropping the rock into Violet’s hand. Lemony was purely amazed. Sure he had seen many of Violet’s wonderful inventions throughout the years but she still could surprise and wow him with every new one she showed him. 

Violet stood up, her face lit up with a smile. Her father hugged her as they both exclaimed, “I’m super bad!” Violet started laughing. 

“It worked!” Violet squealed happily.

“I never expected otherwise, dear,” Lemony replied still hugging his daughter. 

Yes. Violet’s invention worked. This would be a perfect time to leave. You can pretend that the rest of the story of Violet Snicket was as happy and wholesome as this day on the beach was. You can pretend that Lemony does get every opportunity to tell her all about his past when she turns fifteen or you can continue reading on and with each turn of the page, with every new chapter, you can weep and wish that you had taken my advice. For you don’t want to know what happens on Violet’s fifteenth birthday. You don’t want to know how she spends the rest of this story as bitter as her father drank his tea. You don’t want to know all the dark secrets that she uncovers and the questions that she never gets answered. You can leave right now. No one will blame you. I wish I would’ve seen this coming and maybe I wouldn’t be as haunted as I am these days. Although this chapter ended happily for Violet Snicket, I reiterate my promise that very few happy things happen in the lives of these three children. Indeed, Violet Snicket doesn’t start to suffer the hardships of her siblings until later on in this tale but that does not mean that her story is filled with happiness. Her story is full of secrets, betrayals, and dark discoveries that I promise you will change her life for the worst. So look away before it is too late.


	5. The One Where Olaf Throws a Temper Tantrum Resulting in Child Abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader, 
> 
> Although this chapter follows the book, please be warned that during the dinner scene, I had added a bit more details and the end result could be described as mild child abuse. So if you have any triggers pertaining to physical abuse on a child, please skip that section entirely. The mild child abuse starts after Olaf slaps Klaus and ends when Klaus and Sunny go back to their attic bedroom. (It's towards the end of this chapter.). 
> 
> Please read cautiously. Thank you again.  
-Susan

** _Chapter Four:_ **

_ The One Where Olaf Throws a Temper Tantrum Resulting in Child Abuse _

  
  


Klaus Baudelaire understood that first impressions were often entirely wrong. He knew that from experience. When Sunny was first born, Klaus did not like her at all but by the time she was six weeks the two of them were as thick as thieves. Wherever Klaus was at you’d find Sunny and vice versa. But in the case of Count Olaf, their initial reaction had been utterly correct. During their first few days after their arrival, Klaus and Sunny tried their best to make themselves feel at home but it was no use. Every time either of them had the strength to lift up their chin in this terrible moment, it felt as though Olaf was there personally to push it back down. 

Both children had noticed that Count Olaf’s house was quite large, but he had stuck both children into the attic that only had one bed. One improper bed. Klaus found it easier to sleep on the floor some nights seeing that the bed was too lumpy and uncomfortable. Klaus wasn’t creative or inventive in the least but he made do with what he had. He had always wanted a hammock, so he used the dusty curtains that were draped on their one window to create a make-shift hammock that he and Sunny shared. At first, he was going to simply let Sunny have the poorly designed hammock and he’d sleep on the poorly conditioned bed but he had fears that Sunny would roll out of the hammock and fall or that his inventive skills would fail her and she’d fall. So he opted to share it with her so if it did fall while she was in it, he would be there to break her fall. It wasn’t too uncomfortable. They had just shared a small mattress on the floor of the Poe brothers’ room so this seemed like a slight downgrade. Klaus used the bed more like a chair or a surface for Sunny to play on, with him watching attentively, of course.

Klaus hated that the only three books he had were the ones he packed that day when their parents had ushered him into taking Sunny to the beach. Klaus couldn’t help but wonder maybe there was a more sinister reason why he and Sunny were practically begged out of their house that day. Did his parents know what was going to happen? If they did know, why didn’t they just come with them to the beach? Why did his parents leave them all alone? 

Since they had removed the curtains from the window, both children were woken up bright and early from the morning sun which Klaus hated more than Sunny. He would rather prefer to wake up on his own accord. Sunny had also suggested that the two children simply use the diaper bag and suitcase as a closet seeing that the attic room did not have a closet and Count Olaf hadn’t provided them with anything but a large box that once held a refrigerator. Klaus had decided to keep that intact and use it to entertain Sunny, seeing that Olaf had only provided them with a pile of rocks, which did entertain Sunny because she would simply just chew and bite on the rocks until she was bored but Klaus thought playing with the box would be more fun. It was the only time he was glad he was a short, young boy, so he could play in the box as well. When he wasn’t examining, what he now believed to be half of a spyglass that Sunny had found hidden in their father’s desk drawer, he was using to play sea captain or anything else his unimaginative brain could think of. He was very careful with the object, of course. It was one of the only things from his parents that they had left and he wasn’t about to break it.

Both Baudelaire orphans had learned real quick that Olaf was neither interesting or kind. He might have been an actor, but the children could see that he was vastly untalented and was too into himself to notice. He was also very demanding, short-tempered, and bad-smelling. Both children tried their very best to not cross paths with him every day. When the children woke up, they would find a small pot of oatmeal on the stove for them to eat for breakfast and a long list of difficult chores, such as repairing the back porch and cleaning one of the bathrooms with just a toothbrush. What bugged both siblings that most that Count Olaf never signed his name, simply signed with that same strange eye motif that he had on his ankle.

On this particular morning, his note read, “My theater troupe will be coming for dinner before tonight’s rehearsal. Have dinner ready for all five of them by the time they arrive at seven o’clock. Buy the food, prepare it, set the table, serve dinner, clean up afterward, and stay out of our way.” Klaus read the note to Sunny as he counted the bare minimum money that Olaf had left them to get groceries. “This fucking cheap, lazy bastard,” Klaus muttered. “He can’t be serious. He does realize that we are a young boy and an infant. We don’t have any catering skills whatsoever.”

Sunny nodded her head in agreement, “Necille” she replied gesturing to their bowls of oatmeal, which probably meant, “Neither does he.”

Klaus chuckled at this. “I mean at least he doesn’t burn it,”

“Toast!” Sunny shrieked in agreement. Sunny, like her brother, was referring to a morning not long before the Baudelaire parents’ demise where Klaus and Sunny had decided to wake up early to make a special breakfast for their parents. Klaus had burned the toast because he was paying too much attention to Sunny, and their parents, smelling smoke, had run downstairs to see what was happening. When they saw Klaus and Sunny both looking miserably at the pitch-black pieces of toast, both parents laughed and made pancakes for the entire family. 

“I wish they were here,” Klaus said aloud. Sunny just nodded her head in agreement. “If they were here, we would not be with Count Olaf at all. God, I  _ hate  _ it here, Sunny! I  _ hate  _ this disgusting pigsty he calls a fucking house! I  _ hate  _ that sorry excuse for a bedroom and its useless bed! I  _ hate  _ having to do all these ridiculous chores and I  _ fucking hate  _ Count Olaf!” he shouted losing his cool. 

Sunny looked at her brother and offered him a small smile, “Too!” she shrieked in agreement, meaning, “I do, too, Klaus. But we will get through this.”

Klaus smiled at his baby sister in relief. Somethings saying you hate something and then having someone agree with you, can make you feel a little better in a bleak situation. That was what Sunny had done for Klaus. 

“Well, we better figure out how we are going to cook for eight people,” Klaus said rolling his eyes.

“Iudex.” Sunny replied, meaning, “Maybe we can ask Justice Strauss if she has a cookbook.”

“Sunny, that’s a brilliant idea,” Klaus said picking up his baby sister and heading across the street. He knocked on the door and almost immediately, Justice Strauss answered smiling at the two children.

“Why hello Baudelaires. I am sorry that I didn’t come down to visit you...I’ve been extremely busy with a case,” Justice Strauss said quickly hugging both Klaus and Sunny. She peered down at little Sunny and looked to Klaus, “Do you think it’d be fine if I held her?” 

Usually, this would have alarmed Klaus but Justice Strauss had seemed like a good, honest, and trustworthy person. He simply smiled. “I don’t see anything wrong with that...do you Sunny?” 

Sunny gave Justice Strauss a toothy grin as she held out her arms towards the judge. The judge carefully and gently took Sunny from Klaus’ arms and held her close. “She is such a little cutie,” Justice Strauss cooed at Sunny. Sunny felt warm in the judge’s embrace. It had been so long since someone other than Klaus held her. Justice Strauss reminded Sunny a little bit of her mother but she didn’t want to make Justice Strauss feel as if she had upset Sunny, so Sunny held in her tears. Sunny reached down and gently bit Strauss’ hand which slightly startled her. 

“That means she likes you,” Klaus explained. “She bites very, very hard if she doesn’t like you...or if you try to give her a bath.” Sunny just nodded at her brother’s explanation.

“I see,” Justice Strauss replied. “So how have you children been this past couple of days? Is there anything you desire?”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. Both thinking of everything they desired. A proper crib for Sunny, for starters. Maybe even some toys for Sunny and some books for Klaus. A better bed for Klaus. New curtains for their bedroom window so they didn’t have to wake up so early every morning. A closet would be beneficial to the children as well but most of all they both desired that they were with their parents in their own home and not with Count Olaf in his horrid house. Both children looked down at the ground unhappily until finally, Klaus spoke up.

“If it’s not too much of a bother, do you think we could borrow a cookbook?” 

“A cookbook? Why in the world would you need a cookbook?” she asked gesturing for Klaus to follow her and Sunny inside. Klaus and Sunny gazed around the living room and realized that the inside of Justice Strauss’ home was just as beautiful as her front garden. The children wished with all their hearts that this would be their home not Count Olaf’s vile, disgusting, abhorrent home. 

“We need to cook Count Olaf and his theatre troupe dinner,” Klaus replied.

“Why on Earth would Count Olaf ask you to do that?” Justice Strauss asked.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. Both having decided on vastly different answers to Justice Strauss’ question. 

“Lazy,” Sunny replied at the same time as Klaus said, “He...gives us a lot of responsibility.” 

“Well, why don’t you follow me into the backyard where I can show you my private library.” 

Klaus’ eyes widened with pure happiness. His mouth formed a smile. “Did you say ‘library’?” He asked making sure he heard her correctly. Justice Strauss simply nodded gesturing him to follow her. As she carried Sunny, she led both children to an elegant walkway that smelt of flowers into an enormous room, upon entering the room, Klaus nearly fainted with delight. 

Justice Strauss’ private library was nowhere near as big as the Baudelaire’s family library but it was stocked from floor to ceiling with books and books and books. There were shelves along every wall and each bookshelf was full. In the middle of the room were a few reading chairs and in one corner was a desk that Justice Strauss used to do serious research. 

“This is a wonderful library!” Klaus exclaimed giddily. Even Sunny smiled at all the books. It’s been a while since Klaus had read something to her that wasn’t a Disney fairytale or  _ Cat in the Hat  _ which were two of three books left in their possession after the fire.

“Beaut!” Sunny exclaimed clapping her tiny hands. 

“Thank you very much. I’ve been collecting books for years and I am very proud of my collection. As long as you keep them in good condition, you are welcome to use any of my books, at any time.” 

Klaus nearly fainted again with pure happiness. It had been so long since he had felt joy. “Do you mean that?”

“Of course. It is a pleasure to see such young children interested in books,” she replied smiling. She gently handed Klaus back his baby sister and began to pull cookbooks off the shelf. 

After thirty minutes of looking through cookbooks, Sunny pointed at the picture of an Italian dish that she thought would be simple for her and her brother to cook. “Ital,” she said to Klaus.

“It says Pasta Puttanesca,” Klaus read, “Hmmm...I believe that’s Italian for ‘very few ingredients’ or ‘sauce’. I’m not sure. But you are right, Sunny. It does sound easy to make.” He said as he read the recipe. 

After Klaus had written down the recipe in his commonplace book, Justice Strauss had offered to take the kids to the market and help them buy the ingredients for the dinner. Once they got back home, Justice Strauss hugged both children again.

“Thank you again, Justice Strauss. We appreciate the help,” Klaus said as he and Sunny reached their front door. 

“Oh, anytime children. It continues to strike me as odd that Count Olaf would ask a twelve-year-old boy and his baby sister to cook such a large meal, though. But no matter, I hope to see you, children, again soon.” 

“Cras?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Could we come over tomorrow?” and Klaus was very quick to translate.

“I don’t see why not.” The judge replied and bid the children goodbye as both children walked into their home closing the door behind them. 

The next hour or so, they had spent preparing the meal. Klaus roasted garlic and chopped anchovies, while Sunny chopped parsley with her teeth. Klaus pitted olives and peeled tomatoes, while Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon singing a rather repetitive song that she had written herself. When they had finally set the sauce to simmer, they began working on making the chocolate pudding. The two children were so busy that they didn’t hear Olaf or his troupe come home. When the two Baudelaire children entered the dining room, they had noticed the frightening characters that were in Olaf’s troupe. Two elderly women wore such terrible and ghastly white make up on their faces, the Baudelaire orphans nearly mistook them as clowns. There was a tall bald man with a long, pointy nose. There was a person of indeterminate gender, who in all honesty, looked the least frightening of the group. Finally, there was a man with two sharp hooks where his hands should be. Sunny let out a tiny whimper as Klaus couldn’t help but freeze in the doorway of the dining room. Both children were not surprised to see that Olaf’s troupe was just as terrifying and threatening as he was and this made both Baudelaires very nervous. 

“When are we going to eat!?” Olaf yelled which made Klaus jump. He looked down at Sunny who he had to place on the floor so he could hold the bowl of pasta. Quickly as Olaf continued to blabber on about who knows what; Klaus and Sunny were barely paying any attention to their guardian, assuming that he was probably just ranting about himself again, Klaus began to serve the pasta with Sunny staying close behind him not wanting to be left alone with Olaf and his dreadful company. After serving the pasta, Klaus ran back into the kitchen to retrieve the sauce. He circled the table again, with Sunny following him again. Finally, both children stopped at the head of the table where Olaf sat.

“...I give and give to my public like I give and give to these revolting orphans. But sometimes, and every actor does this, I ask myself is it worth it? Is it really worth it to chase an enormous fortune…” Olaf stated as the Hook Handed Man interrupted him.

“Ummm, boss,” He said gesturing to Klaus and Sunny.

Olaf turned and made a revolted face towards the children. “Where’s the roast beef?”

“What?” Klaus replied dumbfounded.

“Beef. Yes, roast beef.” Olaf said as his eyes began to get shinier with every word.

Klaus took a step back, “We didn’t make any roast beef. We made pasta puttanesca.” 

“What? No roast beef?!” 

“You didn’t tell us you wanted roast beef!” Klaus shouted back.

“Look at my guests! They can hardly touch this revolting food!” 

Klaus looked at the table and this couldn’t be further from the truth. Each member of Olaf’s troupe was happily enjoying the meal that the two youngsters had prepared only when their boss had said this, all five of them slowly stopped eating and watched the scene that was unfolding before them.

Olaf stood up so he could be face to face with Klaus, he took the pot full of sauce out of Klaus’ hands and set it on the table and gave Klaus a small smile, “Now, in agreeing to adopt you, I became your father. And as  _ your father, I am not someone to be trifled with. _ ”

“You can’t go easy on children, boss. You should teach them to respect their elders.” the Hook Handed man interrupted as he began eating again.

“I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests!” Olaf yelled in Klaus’ face. 

“No!” Sunny yelled from the floor. “Fucker!” 

Klaus froze in horror as Olaf looked down at the floor. Before Klaus could react, Olaf swooped down and picked up Sunny harshly and stood up, lifting her so she was now the Baudelaire orphan that was face to face with him. 

“Sunny!” Klaus cried. “Put her down!” 

“Alas, poor Sunny.” Count Olaf said as he chuckled deviously. Sunny began to cry. She was terrified, she wanted to bite Olaf’s hand but she was afraid that she would get hurt if he dropped her from this height. She looked to her older brother for help, reaching out her arms for him to grab her. Klaus reached out to grab her but Olaf used one hand to push him back. “Nah uh,” he said to Klaus as he began to lift Sunny with one hand above his head.

Klaus defeated by Olaf’s height simply held his hands out following where Olaf was balancing his sister. If Olaf intended on dropping her, he intended on catching her. “ _ Let her go!”  _ Klaus yelled and looked with pleading eyes at Olaf’s troupe. The only one who seemed concerned for Sunny was the Hook handed man who had his hooks out ready to catch Sunny if Olaf was going to drop her. But no one else did anything. No one else said anything. No one else came to Sunny’s rescue. Klaus felt hot tears fall from his face as Count Olaf began to wobble while still holding Sunny with one hand. Klaus didn’t know if he was doing this on purpose or if he was too drunk, either way, he was pissing Klaus off. Sunny was crying so loud that it was freaking Klaus out. He hoped Count Olaf wasn’t hurting her. Finally, after he nearly fell backward, Olaf looked down at the table and said, “This table’s a mess! There’s hardly a place to put down a baby.” He surprisingly set Sunny down on top of a fruit bowl gently and slid her down the table a bit. 

“Sunny!” Klaus cried feeling relieved that his baby sister was relatively safe. Klaus looked at his guardian furiously. 

“We’re leaving for rehearsals!” Olaf shouted at his troupe. “You orphans are to clean up, do the dishes, polish the silver, and rinse out all the wine bottles for recycling…” he began elbowing Klaus in the chest, “and then you are to go straight to your beds.”

Klaus had had enough. “You mean our bed!” he shouted. Olaf simply turned to him. “You only provided us with  _ one fucking bed! And  _ if I am being quite frank, neither of us can use!” 

“If you want a new bed or two, tomorrow you may go into town and purchase it,” Olaf said simply not even looking at the boy and taking another few gulps of wine.

“You know very well that we haven’t any money,” Klaus said through gritted teeth. 

“Of course you do. You two  _ lucky  _ little brats are the inheritors of an enormous fortune,” 

“That money that our parents left behind is not to be used until I…” 

It happened so quickly that no one saw it coming. In the blink of an eye, Olaf lifted his hand and slapped Klaus so hard across the face that it made the young boy fall to the floor. Klaus’ face was inches away from the eye tattooed on Olaf’s ankle. His glasses leaped from his face and skittered into a corner. His cheek felt like it was set on fire. Klaus began to cry while holding his cheek and crawling towards his glasses. Count Olaf began to take a few bows as his theatre troupe who had started laughing when they saw Olaf smack Klaus, began to applaud him as if he had done something deserving of praise. 

The only person who was not laughing at Klaus’ misery, was his baby sister who at that time had had enough of Olaf herself. So before Olaf could even see her coming, she crawled as fast as she could across the table and when Olaf took his final bow, Sunny bit his hand. She bit his hand so hard and long enough that Olaf’s hand began to bleed. Olaf smacked his wine glass off the table as he maneuvered his hand out of Sunny’s grasp. “You fucking feral little brat!” he yelled towards Sunny who decided to take Olaf’s first initial seconds of shock as a chance for her to scurry away from him. 

Klaus who had just found his glasses realized  _ who  _ Olaf was referring to and he jumped up forgetting his pain and rushed to Sunny, picking her up before Count Olaf reached her. Olaf began to swing his fists in Klaus’ direction and Klaus held Sunny close to him, his back towards Olaf, who kept swinging and swinging until Klaus fell to the ground. Klaus kept Sunny as close as physically possible as he endured every punch and kick Olaf gave to him. Sunny held on to her brother with a bit of guilt in her heart. She didn’t think Olaf would beat Klaus this badly for something she had done. She looked up at her brother as Olaf continued to beat the poor boy senseless. Klaus began to cry and plead for Olaf to stop. He didn’t stop until the hook-handed man put a hook on Olaf’s shoulder and whispered something Klaus couldn’t hear. Olaf gave Klaus one final kick to the back of the head before he and his awful troupe disappeared out of the dining room. 

It took Klaus several moments to release Sunny from his grasp. He needed to make sure Olaf was gone. After he let go of Sunny, he fell face-first to the floor and curled up into a ball and began to cry. Sunny sat next to him doing her best to console him. 

“Klaus,” she said in a small whimper. He merely looked up at her. She could see that his cheek was still red where Olaf had initially hit him. She could see his eyes were red from his tears and that his face was puffy and tear-stained. “Sorry,” she said simply rubbing his head and putting one hand on his bruised cheek. 

Klaus shook his head. “No, don’t….don’t be sorry...Sunny. I made a promise to you, Mom, and Dad that I intend on keeping...no matter what.” 

Sunny only nodded still rubbing his head just like all the times he would for her. She did feel sorry. She was only defending him, she had no idea Olaf would have reacted in  _ that  _ matter. Sunny, too, began to cry. She felt like she had caused her brother's pain when she only wanted to cause Olaf pain. After several long moments of crying and trying to stand up straight, Klaus finally was able to pick up Sunny and limp upstairs to their attic bedroom. After making sure that Olaf didn’t make him bleed, he laid down in the self-made hammock he and Sunny shared and grabbed a book. Sunny shook her head. 

“I read,” she said to him and Klaus smiled. It was their nightly tradition that Klaus would read Sunny to sleep, but tonight, Sunny wanted to read him to sleep. So as he handed her  _ The Cat in the Hat  _ both siblings tried to forget about what a terrible night they just had and tried to think of happier things in their lives, like each other. 


	6. The One Where Klaus Overhears Count Olaf's Evil Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader, 
> 
> It is with my deepest apologies that I am to inform you that within this chapter of the Baudelaire case, there are mild depictions of physical child abuse. So if you have a weak stomach or you can't handle scenes like that please skip that part of the chapter.
> 
> the scene in question starts when Olaf starts backing Klaus into the living room and ends when Klaus is able to run away from Olaf to get back to their attic bedroom. Please read cautiously and thank you for the support it means a lot. 
> 
> -Susan.

** _Chapter Five:_ **

_ The One Where Klaus Overhears Olaf’s Evil Plan _

Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire woke up the next morning bright and early. Klaus was very hesitant to go downstairs. Sunny, on the other hand, was only slightly hesitant. She was sure Olaf wouldn’t bug the children again after last night and if he tried she insisted that she’d bite him again.

“Remember what happened last night when you bit him,” Klaus reminded her rolling himself out of the hammock and lifting her and setting her on the lumpy bed. 

Sunny nodded and looked to the ground. She was honestly sorry for getting Klaus hurt but she would bite Olaf again if he tried to hurt her or her big brother. It’s just what Sunny does. She wasn’t going to let Olaf beat on them because of their size. 

“Sanguis,” Sunny stated and started laughing. This probably meant something along the lines of, “Did you see his hand? I made him bleed.” 

Klaus replied with a fit of laughter nodding his head. “Yes, Sunny. I saw and it was amazing but it was also very dangerous. We can’t do that again. He might hurt you.”

“Tri!” Sunny shrieked, which meant, “I’d love to see him try!”

“Sunny, I wouldn’t put it past that fucker. I honestly think he would have punched and kicked you last night had I not been acting as a human shield.” Klaus said rubbing his shoulders. His entire backside was aching but he didn’t want to let Sunny know. He knew she already felt like shit for what happened last night and he didn’t want her to feel any worse. He didn’t mind it. She was defending him, there was no way she could have known that Olaf had every intention of  _ hitting an infant _ and there was no way she would have known that Klaus was going to stop him by getting in the way. 

“Let’s just go downstairs. Maybe he won’t even be home.” Klaus said hopefully. As Klaus picked up Sunny, Sunny noticed that a bruise had formed on Klaus’ left cheek. She looked at the bruised cheek and then her brother and put a gentle hand on it. 

Klaus and Sunny cautiously made their way downstairs only to find Count Olaf at the head of the dining room table waiting for them. Two bowls of oatmeal had already been placed on the table. Klaus and Sunny nervously looked at one another, Klaus reached the table and carefully slid the two bowls of oatmeal three chairs away from Count Olaf. The wicked count only glared at Klaus as he sat Sunny in the chair further from Olaf and sat in the chair right next to hers.

Both children looked at their breakfast afraid whether or not Olaf had poisoned it. Nothing was said for several moments. Until finally, Olaf broke the silence. “Aren’t you going to eat, orphans?” 

Klaus and Sunny both nodded and Klaus took a tiny spoonful of oatmeal and ate it. Afraid of what Olaf might do if he hadn’t. After several moments of making sure it didn’t taste funny, he took a spoonful of Sunny’s as well and tested that. He couldn’t be too careful. He simply nodded his head at Sunny letting her know it was safe to eat the oatmeal.

“I wanted to talk about what happened last night,” Count Olaf said.

“There’s really...no need,” Klaus replied carefully choosing his words.

“Oh but there is. I believe an apology is in order,” 

Klaus looked at Sunny confused. It didn’t seem in character for Olaf to be willing to apologize for his crude actions, but both children thought quietly to themselves that even  _ if  _ it was in character, an apology would not suffice. An apology wouldn’t mean jack-shit to them. Actions speak louder than words and no amount of bullshit and sappy words were going to make the children forgive Olaf for his terrible treatment towards them. There were several silent and awkward moments that had passed before Count Olaf cleared his throat. Klaus looked at him confused. Olaf hadn’t said sorry yet so he didn’t quite understand why he was clearing his throat as if waiting for Klaus or Sunny to say something. Klaus assumed that Olaf had too much pride to actually say the words ‘I’m sorry’ which just shows how ingenuine his apology was to the kids. But Klaus feared what Olaf would do if he continued to ignore him so, after another brief pause that filled the room with silence and awkwardness, Klaus shifted in his seat. 

“Thank you…?” he replied unsure of whether he should say ‘apology accepted’ or something else that wasn’t technically a lie. 

Count Olaf glared at the young boy. “Excuse me?”

“...thank you...for apologizing?” Klaus replied nervously.

Count Olaf merely shook his head. “Are you being smart with me, orphan?”

“N-n-no...I-I-I am….I’m thanking you….for apologizing,” Klaus replied his heart beating at full speed in his chest. 

“Why would I apologize to you?” 

“Y-you said...that...apologies were in order...so I just thought-” Klaus began.

“Apologies  _ are  _ in order.” Olaf replied, “I”m waiting.” 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another confused. Sunny wanted so bad to call Olaf a ‘fucker’ but she looked to Klaus who already looked quite frightened and decided against it. She saw the pleading eyes of her brother, he was silently begging her to be quiet and let him handle this.

“I...I’m not sure I understand, Count-” 

“ _ Father.  _ You will refer to me as your father, orphan, because that  _ is  _ what I am.” Olaf said harshly to the preteen boy.

Klaus bit his tongue and looked at Sunny. He was trying so hard to keep his cool but he felt like he was a slow ticking bomb and sooner or later Olaf was going to say the right thing and make him explode. He gritted his teeth, “I don’t quite understand... _ father. _ ”

“You embarrassed me in front of my cohorts last night, you back talked me, and you let your feral little brat bite me and I probably have rabies,” Olaf explained glaring at the young boy. “So some apologies are in order.”

“Iamnon,” Sunny whispered, which probably meant, “You probably already do have rabies, you rat bastard.”

Klaus gave a small glare Sunny’s way as Olaf stood up. “What did she say?”

Klaus also shuffled up and blocked Sunny from Olaf’s view. “She didn’t say anything.”

“Are you lying to me, orphan?” 

“N-n-no,” Klaus replied. “Please just leave her alone, she’s just a baby.”

“I don’t care what she is. She needs to be taught to obey her elders!”

Klaus looked from Olaf to Sunny back to Olaf. The count hadn’t moved from where he stood, he seemed to be trying to calm down. “Now, just apologize to me and you two may go do your extensive list of daily chores,”

Klaus stood there speechless for several seconds. He was not going to apologize to Olaf, he and Sunny hadn’t done anything wrong. Olaf was the one who had acted in such a reprehensible way that both children wholeheartedly believed that they were the ones who were owed the apology. The elder Baudelaire orphan knew all he had to do was muster up a quick, meaningless apology and Olaf would most likely leave them alone but his damn pride was getting in his way. He did not want to give Olaf that satisfaction. After several long moments of silence, Olaf cleared his throat again, “Well, bookworm, are you going to apologize for your actions?” 

Klaus stood up straight trying to make himself look taller. When it came to the battle of pride versus logic, his pride had unfortunately won. “No.,” he said simply.

“What did you just say?”

“No. I will not be apologizing to you and neither will my sister!” 

Count Olaf shook his head as he slowly crept toward the two children. Klaus quickly grabbed Sunny and held her close to his chest, slowly backing up away from his wickedly abusive guardian. Klaus had managed to back out of the dining room and even the kitchen but he was trapped in the living room as Count Olaf merely followed him slowly. 

Count Olaf slithered his way to Klaus, towering over the poor boy, who began to hold his sister even closer to him. Klaus was trying his very best to act tough, but he felt his inner core shaking. He wasn’t sure if it was due to fear or anger, or maybe it was a cruel mixture of both.

“Now…would you like to repeat yourself, orphan?” Olaf asked him in a cruel tone that sent chills down both Baudelaires’ backs.

Klaus attempted to back up away from his new guardian but stumbled on discarded trash on the ground before he could lose his balance completely, Olaf grabbed him by the collar and slightly lifted him off the ground. Klaus and Sunny were now face to face with their repugnant guardian. Sunny began to cry as she buried her face into Klaus’ shoulder. Olaf, while still lifting Klaus to where they were face to face, took a few steps back and harshly shoved him against the wall.

“Put me down,” Klaus said mustering up a voice he hoped sounded strong but in reality came out the exact opposite. Olaf merely laughed at him.

“Hmmm, I don't think you’ve learned your lesson, yet,” Olaf said smirking at the young boy.

Klaus started kicking aiming for Olaf’s weakest points. This only angered Olaf more, using his free hand, he grabbed Klaus by his hair and started to repeatedly hit the back of his head against the wall. Each hit was harder than the last, Klaus bit his lip. He refused to allow Olaf any satisfaction of him crying out in pain, also he was trying to stay brave for his baby sister.

Klaus began to feel woozy like he was losing consciousness. He tried to use his free hand to block his head from the wall but all it did was hurt his hand. His eyes started to flutter closed and his head was getting very heavy.

This is when Sunny realized that her brother couldn't defend himself so she took matters into her hands. She turned herself in Klaus’ arm and bit Olaf's hand that held her brother up. Olaf hissed as he dropped Klaus harshly to the ground.

Klaus quickly shuffled to his feet holding Sunny even tighter. Olaf growled as he held on to his now bleeding hand. “I’m going to RIP that fucking baby to shreds!” He yelled glaring at Sunny.

“Leave her alone! She's just a baby!” Klaus yelled shakingly running upstairs away from Olaf. Olaf raced behind him.

“Ooooh…you better never let that biting brat out of your sight! I will end her so fast! I only need one of you fucking brats alive to get ahold of that damn fortune!” Olaf yelled reaching for Klaus and only near missing his ankle.

Klaus reached their attic bedroom and he slammed the door in Olaf's face and pushed all his weight against the door as Olaf tried to force himself through. Klaus kept his weight against the door hoping that soon Count Olaf will give up and just leave them alone.

“It's okay, Sunny.” Klaus cooed to Sunny who started to cry again. Klaus closed his eyes and wished they were back with their parents and not with this drunk abusive asshole. After a while, Olaf did give up. After threatening Sunny's life again, Klaus heard him walk back downstairs. He slid against the door to the floor still hugging Sunny and he, too, found himself crying. He was crying because his head was pounding. He was crying because he hated their situation. He was crying because he was worried about Sunny. Klaus had to find a way out of this situation. If not for him, for Sunny.

It took both children several hours to agree that the coast was clear and that it was relatively safe to come out of their bedroom. Klaus slowly opened the door and looked around looking for Olaf or any of his cohorts. The coast was clear. He looked down at Sunny, “I think it’d be better if you stayed here and hid,” 

“Jose!” Sunny replied angrily, which meant, “No way, Jose!”

“Sunny please!” 

Sunny shook her head.

“What if I brought a weapon?”

“Teeth!” she replied, which meant, “My teeth are our weapon.”

“Not this time, Sunshine.”

Sunny rolled her eyes but handed her brother the biggest book they still had.

“If he tries  _ anything  _ I’ll just beat him with this book,”

“Sainpat,” which meant, “good luck.”

Klaus made his way downstairs using the collections of fairy tales as his shield. His entire body ached but he and Sunny were hungry. He was hoping to grab a few things from the kitchen and return to the bedroom completely unseen. He stopped dead in tracks when he got to the bottom of the stairs. He could hear two voices in the dining room talking. His heart dropped when he realized that it was Count Olaf and the Hook handed man. They had the dining room doors closed which meant they couldn’t see Klaus but it also meant that there was no way for Klaus to go into the kitchen without opening those doors and being seen. Klaus was going to simply head back upstairs until he heard the words ‘Baudelaire fortune’ escape from Olaf’s mouth. Klaus reached into his pocket and took out the strange object that Sunny had found in their father’s desk. He placed it on the door as quietly as possible and put his ear at the other end. He then frowned realizing that it was not something he could use to eavesdrop on two wicked villains. He turned it in his hand and realized just where he had seen that weird drawing of an eye before. It was on this object. The same eye that was on his father’s mysterious object was the same eye on the front door and left ankle of Count Olaf. Had his father known Count Olaf? Had his father been friends with Count Olaf? Had his father worked with Olaf? He shuddered at the mere thought of his father being one of Olaf’s troupe members. He knew that his mother and father met while they were acting in an opera together but he couldn’t fathom the idea that his parents were ever friends with such a vile man who would abuse their children. But he couldn’t help but wonder  _ why  _ his parents would have sent him and Sunny  _ here.  _ Did they have any plans for us at all? Did they work for him and just were unaware of what kind of man Olaf was? No, his parents were quite intelligent, there’s no way they wouldn’t know what kind of man Olaf was. But if that were the case and they knew...why were the kids sent here after their untimely death. He slid the object back into his pocket and listened in on the two villains.

“Once I get custody of those brats, it’s off with their heads!” Olaf cried in a harsh but rather loud whisper.

“Boss, I am not sure if that’s how inheritance law works…” the Hook Handed Man said, “Wouldn’t they have to put you in their will or something.”

“Why would they have to put me in their will. Their children...children don’t have wills.” 

“Well, yeah...but…”

“Are you trying to ruin my master plan?”

“N-no..No...boss. It’s actually a rather brilliant plan...but…”

“If it’s brilliant, why are you trying to find flaws in it?”

“Well, in the slight chance that you’re...wrong. I mean...if you are wrong and you already killed them...then you’ll never get the Baudelaire fortune.”

Klaus’ eyes got wide at this. Did he just say ‘kill’? Klaus wouldn’t put it past his guardian but he had never imagined that he and Sunny were in grave danger.

“Do you think the bank would just keep the money?” 

“Ummm, well yeah...it  _ is  _ a bank.”

“Trust me, this plan is foolproof. Once I am granted custody of these fucking brats, I will take them for a ‘treat’. I will stop at a general store that’s located in the hinterlands that has a railroad track right next to its parking lot. I will lock those brats in my car and I will patiently wait until the train finishes them. I will then be the inheritor of the Baudelaire’s entire fortune.”

“Yeah...still not sure if that’s how it works.” The hook-handed man replied, “Besides...wouldn’t they be able to simply unlock the car?”

“It  _ is  _ how it works, you imbecile!” Count Olaf yelled at his henchman. “And no, they wouldn’t be able to unlock the doors...the locks will be gone, duh.”

“But...that...that’s not how locks work either.” 

“STOP nitpicking my fucking plan!” 

“Yes, boss.” 

Klaus started to shake. Olaf was going to kill the two Baudelaires once he got his filthy, greedy hands on their fortune, and he meant business he was going to use a fucking  _ train  _ to crush them. Klaus was filled with anger. There was no way in Hell that Olaf was going to even get a cent of their parents' money. He wasn’t going to stand for this. Without thinking, Klaus pushed opened the dining-room door, startling the Hook handed man and his boss. 

“What are you doing here?” Olaf asked glaring at the boy.

“I heard  _ everything! _ ” Klaus yelled back holding the book in front of him, he slowly walked closer to the vile man glaring at him. “You’ll  _ never  _ touch our fortune!”

Olaf smirked at the bookish youngster, “Oh, don’t be so sure about that.”

“That fortune is not to be touched until  _ I  _ come of age! And you  _ best believe  _ I wouldn’t dream of giving you even a  _ fucking penny! _ ” Klaus spat back in a tone that he had hoped came off as confident and strong rather than wimpy and scared.

“You know...accidents happen  _ all the time,  _ I would be oh-so heartbroken if something were to happen to you and Susie--” 

“Her name is Sunny!”

Olaf went on speaking as though Klaus hadn’t interrupted him, “...but your fortune would be a constant reminder of my tragic...but financially beneficial loss.” he replied with a cruel laugh.

“You won’t get a cent of that money if anything were to happen to Sunny and me!” Klaus retorted confidently hoping that the Hook Handed man was correct with his opinion. He didn’t want to imagine what would happen to Sunny if Olaf was correct about inheritance law.

Olaf was taken aback by this. First, his henchman expressing doubts in his plan and now a wimpy little bookworm was telling him that he was wrong. Olaf was sure that he was correct but Klaus had probably read more books than Olaf has burned. He looked dead eye at Klaus, “...says  _ who? _ ” 

“The law! Look it up!” 

Olaf gave a look of uncertainty and then made a low growl as he tried to contemplate whether or not, the bookworm was right. If Klaus was correct...obtaining their fortune just got a  _ LOT  _ harder. Olaf dismissed the topic entirely. He looked down at the boy and noticed what he was holding.

“What’s that?”

“A book. Ever heard of it?” Klaus replied in his snarky tone.

Olaf growled and smiled at the boy sending chills down Klaus’ back. In one quick movement, Olaf reached down and took the book from Klaus. He opened it and flipped through some of the pages laughing. “A fairytale book? Don’t you think a boy your age should be reading something not written for babies…or little girls.”

“First off, that’s Sunny’s book. Secondly, Disney fairytales are classics that are loved by people of all ages...why my Mother…”

“I don’t care.” Olaf said, “You see, I have a rule in my house. The most important rule, actually...” He began walking to the living room, Klaus followed him to make sure he wasn’t heading upstairs to where Sunny was hiding.

“What would that be…?”

“No books,” Olaf said simply tossing the book into his fireplace. Klaus watched in horror as the pages of the books quickly turned to ash. As he watched the book burn and become nothing more than a pile of ash, he imagined that that was what his room and the family library must have looked like when it burnt to the ground. Klaus was speechless as the fire mesmerized him. It was only until Olaf stood next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder that Klaus realized he might be in a bit of danger but he still stood where he was gazing at the fireplace.

“Thank you for the kindling,” Olaf said laughing. 

“...no books?...” Klaus asked confused still watching the fire destroy Sunny’s book.

“Yes. No books. Are you deaf and blind, four eyes?”

“You bastard! Our parents gave that to Sunny!”

“Your point? I said no books. That was a book. So I got rid of it. Besides she’d outgrow it eventually.” Olaf said. “You see Klaus, the world isn’t made of fairytales and happy endings. It’s very rare that you find a truly happy person.”

“Fuck off! She could have passed that down to her own kids, someday.”

Count Olaf laughed at that statement and leaned in close to Klaus grabbing his face with his spider-like hand. “Now Klaus, who said you two would be alive long enough to have children yourselves.”

Klaus’ eyes got wide and he started to shake. Olaf merely laughed again and let go of Klaus. He walked out of the room and left Klaus standing there trembling in fear. Klaus had to figure out how to get himself and Sunny out of this situation before they ended up dead.


	7. The One Where Lemony Rejoins VFD & Where Blatant Child Abuse Was Acting in 'Loco Parentis'

** _Chapter Six:_ **

_ The One Where Lemony Rejoins VFD & Where Blatant Child Abuse Was Acting in 'Loco Parentis' _

Lemony Snicket despised the old opera house. The last time he was here, everything in his life had fallen apart. He remembered that day like it was yesterday. He was saying a very long-winded goodbye to his then fiance, Beatrice, who did not know she was already pregnant with their daughter. He was waiting for his brother, Jacques, to arrive in a taxi and take him so very far away from this place and this city. That was the second time in his life where he had stayed in Staind-by-the-Sea. Lemony remembered the first few months on the run, he knew he had to fake his death in an unreliable newspaper to make things easier on him. At that time, he traveled light and only traveled by underground tunnels. He had to stop all that secretive traveling once Violet was in his custody. He hadn’t been in a secret tunnel in ages, so he had decided that since he was rejoining the organization, he would travel like a member of said organization. The tunnels were heavily signed which he didn’t really understand that at all, but it made things easier for him to find the opera house. Now he waited outside, top hat entirely in his face hoping to not be recognized by simple passers-by. 

He looked at his watch, 8:55. Not quite 9 o’clock but most volunteers were known for arriving early, it was a sign of nobility. He looked around studying faces of the pedestrians passing by the opera house. None of them looked to be from a secret organization. But what sort of look would that even be? Lemony pondered the thought as a young woman with short auburn hair accompanied by a man, nearly the same age, with black hair and facial hair stopped in front of him. He studied them, looking quickly for any weapons or badges that would identify them as the police. 

“I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion,” the man spoke. 

Lemony looked annoyed. “The world is quiet here.” he replied, he turned to the woman, “You must be Jacquelyn…” he said extending his hand for both her to shake.

“Jacquelyn Scieszka.” Jacquelyn replied, “You must be Lemony. I’ve met both of your siblings, charming people. You look a bit like your dear brother.”

“Thank you,” he replied glancing at the man. “Jacquelyn, I believe I had asked you to meet me here _ alone, _a word which here means, ‘by yourself, without the company of another’.” 

Jacquelyn laughed. “They were right, you are a walking dictionary.”

Lemony rolled his eyes, “Let me guess, Kit told you that.” 

Jacquelyn merely nodded still laughing. “I am sorry for not following your instructions, Mr. Snicket but you couldn’t expect a woman like me to meet a strange man claiming to my dead associate. It’s always good to have back up.”

Lemony sighed, nodding his head. She did make a good point. “Snicket, Lemony,” he said to the man shaking his hand.

“The name’s Gustav Sebald,” Gustav replied. “And I do apologize for arriving unannounced, I am the one who convinced Miss High-and-Mighty here that she may want to bring back up. After all, we don’t have to tell you how cunning our enemies tend to be.”

“So what can you tell me about the Baudelaire case,” Lemony said getting straight to the point. The less time he had to spend in the public eye, the better.

“Well you see, I have similar questions pertaining to the case. You see Beatrice and Bertrand had a vigorously fixed destination in mind for Klaus and Sunny in case of fire...they were to be sent to Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, I am his assistant. So when the children hadn’t arrived I knew something was up.” Gustav explained.

“Why were the children sent to live with Count Olaf then? If Monty was the designated guardian how did those kids end up with that fiend?”

“I can answer that. Mr. Poe, my boss, listened to the advice of a consultant.” Jacquelyn said rolling her eyes.

“Dear God, why would anyone listen to a consultant?” Gustav asked.

“I’ll give you a hint. His name rhymes with rice pilaf.” 

“Those children must be so frightened. What can we do?” Lemony asked.

“Unfortunately, I don’t think we can do anything. Mr. Poe is the executor of the Baudelaire estate and he ultimately gets to decide where the children are placed.” Gustav explained.

“Which if you ask me is bullshit,” Jacquelyn began. “Snicket, you’ve been in VFD the longest, who the hell thought it was a good idea to put Poe in charge of VFD kids.”

Lemony shrugged his shoulders. “I am honestly not sure. But that doesn’t matter right now. We need to help these children.”

All three adults stood quietly thinking of solutions to this problem. After several minutes that felt like hours, Jacquelyn growled in frustration. “Can’t we just kick Olaf’s ass?”

“Unfortunately, no,” Lemony replied and then a smiled formed on his face. “I think I’ve got it.”

“We’re listening,” Gustav commented.

“We just need to prove that Olaf’s an unfit guardian. That can’t be hard.”

“Okay. But how?” 

“Leave that to me,” Lemony stated. “These kids are Beatrice’s so I’m going to do whatever I can to help them.” 

Both Jacquelyn and Gustav frowned, nodding their heads. 

“Whatever you need, we got your back,” Jacquelyn replied. “I’m always ready for a mission.” 

Lemony nodded. “I’m going to rejoin VFD and save these kids.”

“When did you leave VFD?” Gustav asked.

“You know what I mean. I just need you two to promise, you tell _ no one, absolutely no one, _that I’m alive. Not even my siblings.” 

“Jacques and Kit would be very useful, though.” 

Lemony furiously shook his head. “No. I’m not putting them in any danger. It’s better that they think I’m dead. I’m not going to let them get hurt the way that I let Beatrice.” 

“Suit yourself,” Jacquelyn replied.

“Lemony, you know the fire isn’t your fault, right?” Gustav replied. 

“Yes it is, everything that went wrong is because of _ me. _ So I need to fix it.” 

Jacquelyn and Gustav looked at one another as Lemony began to walk away, “Keep in touch. Remember, only you two are allowed to know.” he called back to them before disappearing into a crowd. 

________________________________________________________

Sunny Baudelaire waited with bated breath for her brother to return. When he finally did, she noticed that not only was her brother as pale as a ghost but he was no longer holding the book she had given him as a weapon. 

“Quidsuus,” she said to her brother, which probably meant, “What happened? Klaus, what’s wrong? Did he hurt you?”

Klaus shook his head, “Not yet,” he replied still shaken from Count Olaf’s vague threat. Sunny looked at him worriedly. 

“Huh?”

“Sunny...he’s going...he’s going to kill us,” Klaus said as he began to sob. “He’s going to kill us the second he gets our fortune. I don’t know what to do.” 

Sunny looked at her brother with worry in her eyes. “Bite?” she asked.

“Sunny, biting him isn’t going to always work.”

“Prise,” she replied, which meant, “You’d be surprised. I could probably kill someone with my teeth.”

“I doubt it.”

“Arsenic,” Sunny said, which meant, “We should’ve poisoned the rat bastard when we had the chance,”

“I agree. Although, I don’t think he even took one bite of the pasta puttanesca. So that plan would’ve failed.” 

“Lush,” which meant, “We could still poison his precious wine.” 

“Tempting.” Klaus said, “Maybe...we can go see Mr. Poe. He did say if we had any questions we can always visit him.”

“Rant!” she yelled, which meant, “We don’t have any questions. We have several complaints.”

“Well, Mr. Poe seems to be our best option,” Klaus replied picking up Sunny. Sunny rolled her eyes. She hated Mr. Poe and honestly thought he was a useless jackass who didn’t really care for either her and her brother. Sunny believed if Poe had cared for the children, he would’ve piled them back into his car upon seeing Count Olaf’s disgusting house. 

Klaus and Sunny were not surprised to find out that Count Olaf had lied to Mr. Poe when he claimed to have had a map of the city. So the Baudelaire youngsters were on their own. Klaus decided to find the nearest trolley stop and ask the driver what stop would be the best to get to Mulctuary Money Management. After a near hour trolley ride, the driver informed the Baudelaire orphans that their stop was the next one. 

The children rushed passed Mr. Poe’s secretary, who did not stop the children from entering Poe’s office. Neither children noticed that the second that they had passed her, she quickly picked up the phone that was on her desk and began to call someone. Unfortunately, no amount of research will ever allow my associate and me to know exactly what was said on that phone call seeing that the recipient of the call is now surely dead and it is very hard to get in touch with the Duchess of Winnipeg. 

Mr. Poe greeted the Baudelaires with his usual fit of coughs. Klaus sat Sunny down in the chair that was sat in front of Mr. Poe’s desk. “Baudelaires?”

“Sorry to barge in on you like this Mr. Poe, but it’s an emergency.”

“No sorry,” Sunny whispered. 

Mr. Poe began coughing again which irritated both children. “An emergency? Ugh, very well. Can we make this quick, I am quite busy. I’m in line for a very important promotion, you know.”

“No care” Sunny replied. As her brother got right to the point.

“Count Olaf is a madman. We can’t stay with him,” Klaus said. “He struck me across the face, see my bruise.” Klaus pointed his left cheek in case Poe was too dense to realize which cheek he was talking about.

The phone in Mr. Poe’s office began to ring. He held a finger up to the children. “Pardon me,” he began, “Poe here. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely Not. Yes. Thank you,” He hung up the phone and began coughing. “Now, what were we talking about again? Oh Yes, Count Olaf. I’m sorry you don’t have a good first impression of him.”

Klaus and Sunny couldn’t believe their ears. 

“Conabilis!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “He makes us do back-breaking, difficult, tedious chores as if we are slaves.” which Klaus was quick to translate.

“He only provided us with one fucking bed!” 

“Lush!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “He’s a terrible drunk!” which her brother quickly translated.

Mr. Poe’s office phone rang again as he excused himself from his conversation with the children. “Poe here. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Anything but seven. Seven. You are welcome.” after a fit of coughing, he turned his attention again to the children. “Now, Baudelaires. Everyone, at some time in their life, wishes they were being raised by people different than the ones who are raising them. When I was a little boy, I would’ve given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor.”

“He calls us orphans.” 

“But you _ are _orphans.”

“He...he has terrible friends.” 

“_ I _have terrible friends.”

“Eeeayaba,” Sunny shouted which meant, “He’s clearly after our fortune!” with Klaus quickly translating for his baby sister.

“Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying!” He began to cough, as Sunny glared at him. “Baudelaires, are you familiar with the term “in loco parentis``?'' 

Sunny turned her head to look at her brother, Klaus closed his eyes for a few seconds trying to concentrate, “It sounds Latin,” 

“Latin and legal. The term, “in loco parentis” means “acting in the role of a parent.” It is a legal term and completely applies to Count Olaf, the actor is acting as your parent. And as your legal guardian, he can raise you with any method that he deems fit. So I’m sorry if your parents never made you do any household chores and if you like their friends more than you like his friends. But there are certain things you must get used to.”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another.

“Pelzer!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “He is physically abusive especially towards Klaus.” Klaus was hesitant to translate but Sunny glared at him until he gave up and translated what she had said. 

Mr. Poe looked at both children. “Now, you two are exaggerating. Where’s this physical abuse?”

Klaus pointed to his cheek as Mr. Poe simply shook his head. “Now I don’t know how your parents raised you but simple smacks and even spankings are not considered physical abuse.” 

“Fucker!” Sunny yelled baring her teeth at Mr. Poe. Klaus just looked amazed at Mr. Poe. Poe went into another fit of loud coughing so he was unable to hear Sunny over the noise. Sunny was hoping that he’d drop dead and someone else would be in charge of the Baudelaire’s affairs.

“My cheek is _ bruised. _ I wouldn’t call that a ‘simple smack’.” Klaus said through gritted teeth. Mr. Poe just shrugged. 

“Now, I don't know what you did to deserve that...but maybe next time you will behave better.” Mr. Poe said to the young boy. “Now I’m sorry that I have to usher you out posthaste, but like I said when you arrived I am very busy. ‘Posthaste’ means…” 

“It means you will do nothing to help us!” Klaus yelled picking up Sunny. “Come on Sunny.” 

And with that, both children ventured out of Mr. Poe’s office and back into the busy streets of the city. Klaus had decided he wanted to take the long way home and began to walk back to their ‘home’. The walk home was quiet and long. Neither child said anything. Klaus was pondering what Poe had said, he began to believe it was his fault. He began to believe that he deserved everything Olaf dished out to him. Sunny was mad, she couldn’t believe that a grown adult was making up excuses for Olaf’s blatant physical abuse against her brother. Sunny didn’t understand why all of Olaf’s adult friends not only sat and watched him hurt Klaus but laughed and cheered him on. Was this what it was like growing up? If so, she didn’t want to get older. When the children finally got back home, they noticed Justice Strauss was in her garden. Klaus quickly shifted Sunny to where he could use her to hide his bruise. If Mr. Poe didn’t care why would Justice Strauss. 

“Hello, Baudelaires! How have you been?” 

“We’ve been alright,” Klaus replied pressing Sunny gently against his face to hide the bruise entirely. 

“I had just baked some cookies, would you like some? We can visit my library again if you want to.” 

Both children smiled at Justice Strauss for vastly different reasons. Sunny smiled at Justice Strauss because she honestly wanted some cookies and to visit the pretty library again but Klaus smiled toward the judge because a small lightbulb in his head had turned on. He thought he figured out how to save himself and Sunny from being run over by a train. 

“Actually Justice Strauss, would it be possible if I can borrow a law book?”

“A law book? Are you sure? Those are usually very difficult and boring. I’m a judge and I don’t really like reading them.”

“I’m interested in a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating,” Klaus lied. 

Justice Strauss shrugged. “Well, to each their own. There are countless types of books in this world which makes sense cause there are countless types of people.” 

Justice Strauss took Klaus and Sunny over to the bookshelf that contained all of her law books. “Sunny, would you like to come with me into my garden while your brother tackles these books?” she said reaching for Sunny and gently taking her from Klaus’ grasp.

Klaus frowned as he realized why Justice Strauss was looking at him with such wide eyes. “Klaus! What has happened to your face?” 

“Pelzer!” Sunny shrieked. She waited for her brother to translate but he just stood there stiff as a board trying to come up with a clever lie to tell the judge. Sunny glared at her brother and looked at Justice Strauss. She continued to repeat the phrase, “Pelzer!” until Klaus glared back at her. 

“Sunny, stop!” 

“Pelzer!”

“Klaus, what does your sister mean by Pelzer.” Justice Strauss asked worryingly. 

“Honestly, Justice Strauss. I am unsure.” Klaus lied quickly.

“Pelzer!”

“Sunny!”

“Pel-zer!” Sunny shrieked. Realizing her brother was not going to come clean, she looked up at the judge and began to softly hit the judge with her tiny fists trying to muster a face that could make her look like a drunken asshole. Justice Strauss just looked at her confused. “Is your sister okay?” 

“I think some fresh air will help her calm down. I’m going to sit here and read these books if that’s alright.” Klaus said frowning at Sunny.

Sunny gave him a final glare as Strauss shrugged her shoulders and led herself and Sunny into the garden. Klaus got to work tackling the books. He had to find one that proved him right. If he or Sunny died, Olaf would get nothing. The bank would keep the Baudelaire fortune and it would just collect dust. It was a temporary fix to a huge problem. Right now, Olaf could gain custody of the kids, and once that happened, Olaf had planned to get rid of the kids. Klaus didn’t want to live with Olaf until he was eighteen, but he didn’t want to die before his thirteenth birthday either. Klaus spent what seemed like hours reading passage after passage. Trying desperately to find the law that would apply to his situation. It was a bleak situation, but it seemed to be a unique one. Klaus began to feel tired and he leaned his left cheek on to his fist to keep his head up. Forgetting that that was the cheek that Olaf has struck him, he jumped and now his entire cheek was flared up. He thought of Sunny, he hated when she was mad or disappointed at him. But what else could he do? He couldn’t listen to Justice Strauss explain the same bullshit as Mr. Poe had. He didn’t want to hear that the beating Olaf had given him was justified and legal. Klaus knew deep down in his heart, that nothing Olaf has done to the children would be considered legal, but who would listen. No one would listen. Klaus was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even realized that the sun was beginning to set and that Justice Strauss was walking back into her library. Klaus dog-eared a page in the book that he believed gave him all the answers he needed. 

“Justice Strauss, could I take this book home?” he asked.

“I don’t see why not. As long as you take care of it and keep it in good condition, you can borrow any of my books.” Justice Strauss replied. “Now, did you want to tell me about what happened to your face?”

Klaus stayed quiet. Why was she asking him again? He looked to Sunny who smirked back at him. “It’s nothing.”

Justice Strauss frowned and leaned down to look Klaus in the eyes. She put a gentle hand on his face. “Klaus...it’s okay. You can talk to me. Let me help you.” she said in a gentle tone. “I can’t help you if I don’t know what is going on.” 

Klaus sighed heavily and tried to avert his eyes from Justice Strauss’. He could feel that tears were beginning to fall from his face. “C-c-count Olaf struck me across the face.”

“Pelzer!” Sunny shrieked one last time, exasperated. She had been trying to explain this for quite some time and she was happy that she was able to at least convince Justice Strauss to question her brother again. 

“Now, why would he do that?” Justice Strauss asked.

“Because he’s a mad man. He’s a drunk and a brute. He’s physically abusive and he’s an overall vile fiend.” Klaus exclaimed breaking down and crying as Justice Strauss place Sunny into one of her reading chairs and rushed to hug Klaus. 

“Well, there’s no need to worry. I am going to talk to him.” Justice Strauss said.

Klaus tensed up. “Wait, what?” 

“I am going to march over there right now and give him a piece of my mind.” 

“J-Justice Strauss, please. I-I-I...I appreciate your help but I don’t think that is a good idea.” 

“Oh come now, Klaus. I mean I will say, he is your legal guardian so he does have a right to act in ‘loco parentis’ but...there’s a line and he has obviously crossed it. So maybe I can talk to him, raise some concerns and smooth everything out.”

Klaus looked at Sunny terrified as Sunny facepalmed. 

“CPS!” she yelled, which meant, “I honestly think you should call child protective services.” Klaus was too frightened to translate. 

“Oh, this isn’t a matter for CPS, Sunny. At least not yet.” Justice Strauss said picking Sunny back up and ushering Klaus to follow her across the street. 

Klaus could feel his heart in his chest and thought it was beating so hard it was going to break through his ribcage and rip through his skin. He kept giving Sunny frightened glances as he stealthily hid the library book under his sweater. As they reached the door, Klaus tried once again to get Justice Strauss to change her mind. “Honestly, I deserved it...I had talked back to him.” Klaus pleaded. But it was too late Justice Strauss had already rung the doorbell. Almost immediately Count Olaf answered, smiling at Justice Strauss and showing his shiny eyes to the children. 

“Hello. I’m Justice Strauss, your neighbor. I just stopped by because I wanted to talk about some huge concerns I had about Klaus here.” 

Klaus tried his best to hide behind Justice Strauss but she moved out of the way so Klaus could be seen by his guardian. “I noticed that he had a nasty bruise on his cheek and when I had asked him how it got there, he mentioned to me that you had struck him.”

Count Olaf leaned against the door frame and folded his arms across his chest. “Really? Is that so.” 

“Now, I am a judge so I already know all about ‘loco parentis’ and that you do have the right to raise your children your way, but don’t you think striking a young child across the face _ this _hard is going a little overboard?” Justice Strauss asked. 

Klaus and Sunny watched as Count Olaf played the part. Now, Count Olaf being an actor meant that he could become a character out of nowhere, it was probably his best skill as an actor. But the Baudelaires would have described him as a chameleon, which I am sure you know is a creature that uses its unique abilities to change its appearance as a way to camouflage itself. Well, at that moment, both Baudelaires saw with horror that Count Olaf simply changed his outward appearance to fool Justice Strauss into thinking he was a concerned guardian who had overreacted just once. 

“You know what, Justice Strauss. You are right and I am ashamed of myself. I have been oh-so stressed about having two new children that I may have acted a bit...standoffish…” He said wrapping Klaus into a hug. Klaus pushed him away from him and rolled his eyes. Klaus having read so many books was quite familiar with a great number of words and phrases, one of those words that Klaus was familiar with happened to be the word that Count Olaf had just used so poorly. The word ‘standoffish’ as I’m sure you know is a word meaning ‘somewhat aloof or reserved.’, it’s a word you would use to describe someone who was keeping to themselves at a party. It is not a word you would use to describe a man like Count Olaf, especially in the context of how he has treated the plucky Baudelaire orphans. 

Justice Strauss nodded. “Well, I would hope that you won’t be taking your stress out on the children again…”

“Oh, no. Never.” Count Olaf replied. “I feel so ashamed of my actions. My heart holds my deepest regrets. I hope that the children can forgive me.”

“Bite me,” Sunny replied as Klaus said nothing. 

“Now, if you excuse us, Justice Strauss. I want to show my children just how _ sorry _I am for treating them in such a terrible way.” He said still expertly playing the part of a concerned parent. Justice Strauss nodded and handed Sunny to Olaf. Sunny growled at Olaf making him glare at her. Klaus followed his sister inside and Justice Strauss bid both children goodbye. “Thank you again, Justice Strauss. For calling attention to how my children were feeling.” 

Count Olaf waited until Justice Strauss was across the street before he locked the door and turned slowly to Klaus. Sunny looked from her guardian to her brother. Klaus held out his hands, “Please. She’s just an infant…do whatever you want to me, just let her go.” He said. Count Olaf merely glared at the boy and then at Sunny. 

“Listen to me _ very carefully _ ,” he said, “the _ only _reason I haven’t torn you limb from limb is that I need to make sure I will get a hold of your money. But ask yourselves this, what reason would I have of keeping you two alive once I’ve gotten control of it?” 

Klaus began to tremble while Sunny looked on with fear in her eyes. Count Olaf merely tossed Sunny to Klaus, who thankfully caught her. 

“Now get out of my sight, orphans.” 

Klaus nodded and started to walk upstairs.

“Oh, and you are forbidden from seeing that nosey woman or leaving the house _ ever, _” Olaf called up to them. “Disobey me and watch what happens. You think what happened at dinner was bad, you cannot possibly imagine what I have planned for you two. Now get the fuck out of my sight.”

Klaus hurriedly walked the two into their room and pushed the bed to the door. He unraveled the book from his sweater. “Don’t worry, Sunny. I have a plan. I know what I’m going to do.”

“Wha?” 

“I’m going to do what I do best, I’m going to stay up all night with a book.”


	8. The One Where Count Olaf Shoves Sunny Into a Birdcage

* * *

**_Chapter Seven:_ **

_ The One Where Count Olaf Shoves Sunny Into a Birdcage. _

Klaus Baudelaire was not reading for his enjoyment. He was reading to get his baby sister out of a dangerous predicament. Normally Klaus would be reading leisurely and not at top speed trying desperately to find the answer to his questions. Klaus used to take a flashlight to bed with him and hide under the covers, reading until he couldn’t keep his eyes open. Some mornings, their father would come into Klaus’ room to wake him up and find him asleep still clutching a flashlight in one hand and his book in the other. But this wasn’t like any of those times at all. For one, Klaus knew that his father would not be there in the morning to wake him up. Secondly, Klaus knew that his and Sunny’s lives were on the line. He regretted telling Sunny about his plan because it was now three in the morning and he still hadn’t found anything that would help him. He didn’t want her to wake up in a couple of hours and have her spirit crushed by the fact that he had failed her.

The book he smuggled into the house was long and quite difficult to read even for someone like Klaus. Klaus became more and more tired as the night wore on. Occasionally his eyes would close. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over. But then he would remember all of the threatening promises that Count Olaf had given him and he would wake right up and continue reading on. By the time the light outside grew gray with the approaching dawn, Klaus had found out all he needed to know about inheritance law. His hopes rose high with the sun. Klaus tiptoed to the door of the bedroom and eased it open quietly, careful to not wake up his baby sister. Then he made his way to the kitchen to find Count Olaf was already there having his morning coffee. Count Olaf frowned when he noticed Klaus as he sat at the other end of the table, the furthest he could from his vile guardian. 

“You’re up early.” Count Olaf remarked.

Klaus’ heart was beating fast, but he felt calm on the outside as if he had on a layer of invisible armor. “I’ve been up all night...reading this book.” Klaus held up the book for Olaf to see. “It’s called _ Inheritance Law _and I’ve learned many interesting things while reading it.”

Count Olaf rolled his eyes, “I thought I told you no books.” He took a sip of his coffee, “Wait...where did you get that book?”

“Justice Strauss’ library. But that’s not important, what’s important is that I have foiled your plan.”

Count Olaf smirked, “Foiled what plan, orphan. I’m just having my morning cup of coffee, although I can’t seem to find the sugar bowl…”

“I’ve foiled your plan of _ ever _getting control of the Baudelaire fortune.” 

“Is that so?” Count Olaf said, his one eyebrow raising, “And how have you foiled my plan, you little runt.” 

Klaus ignored the insult and opened the book to one of the dog-eared pages. “‘The laws of inheritance in this community are quite simple’” he read aloud. “‘If there is no will in place to determine who inherits a decedent's assets, the order of inheritance is determined by state law, which varies. Generally, spouses, domestic partners, and_ blood relatives _ inherit. If no blood relatives can be found, _ the state takes the decedent's assets. _’” Klaus read triumphantly.

Count Olaf simply glared at Klaus with his angry, shiny eyes. Klaus set the book down and smirked at Olaf. “So you see, since you are either our fourth cousin, three times removed or our third cousin, four times removed. You are not considered a blood relative of ours since you are _ removed. _ And seeing that you are also not the legal _ spouse _ or _ domestic partner _ of either Sunny and me, you wouldn’t inherit shit. The bank and or state would take control of the Baudelaire fortune and you wouldn’t see even a _ cent _ of our parents’ money. So killing us will do you no good.”

“It’s a shame, you don’t have an older sister.” Count Olaf replied in an annoyed tone. Klaus just made a disgusted face at that. 

“You sick bastard,” Klaus remarked shaking his head in disgust. “But no matter, I will show this evidence to Justice Strauss...or the police...or Mr. Poe and my sister and I will no longer be in your custody and you will go to jail.”

“Why would I go to jail?” Count Olaf asked smirking.

“For physically assaulting a minor.” 

Count Olaf laughed. “Trust me, kid. I’ll do much, much worse. But no matter. I guess you have outsmarted me, Klaus.” 

Klaus looked confused at Count Olaf. He had imagined this interaction to go entirely different. Klaus thought Olaf would have become angry and violent when Klaus had proven his plan to be flawed. After all, he’d had a furious outburst just because he wanted roast beef for dinner instead of pasta puttanesca. Surely, he’d be even more enraged to have his plan foiled, especially by a child. But Olaf sat there calmly as if he and Klaus were discussing trivial things like the weather. 

“I guess I will go to jail and you and that feral infant of yours will go free. Now, why don’t you run up to your room and collect your sister. I’m sure little Sunny would love to know all about your grand victory of my evil ways.” He said calmly. 

Klaus cautiously stood up. He looked closely at Olaf, who was continuing to smirk at Klaus as if he had just told a clever joke. Why wasn’t he threatening Klaus or even beating him? Why wasn’t he running to pack his clothes and escape before Klaus could call the authorities? Klaus had pictured this interaction vastly different. 

Klaus made his way back upstairs and walked over to the hammock where he had last seen his baby sister. “Sunny, wake up.” He called out kindly. Looking into the hammock and noticing that his sister was not there. “_Sunny!?_” 

There was no answer. He kept calling out “Sunny” praying that she would answer him. It wasn’t like her to wander off or play cruel pranks on him. Klaus began to panic. “_ **Sunny!?**” _he yelled looking around the room. “Where can she be?” he asked himself and nearly jumped about ten feet when a voice behind him said, “_Where can she be indeed?_”. Klaus growled as he turned around to face Count Olaf.

“Where is she?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“Yes, it certainly is strange to find a child missing. And one so small...so _ helpless. _When did you see her last?”

Klaus got in Olaf’s face. “I’ll kill you if you’ve harmed her.”

Olaf laughed. “I’m sooooo scared.” 

“What have you done with her!?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“If you kill her, you’ll never get your hands on the Baudelaire fortune!”

“Actually, my dear boy, for once you are _ dead _ wrong. I only need _ one _of you alive. So killing her while you’re still alive and well, would be no skin off my bone.” 

Klaus paused and started to breathe heavily. “No...No. Please don’t...don’t kill her. Where is she? Is she okay?”

“See for yourself...I think I heard something coming from the backyard.” 

Klaus pushed past his guardian and raced down the stairs as Count Olaf slowly followed behind maniacally laughing. Klaus was frantically searching all around the yard. “She’s...she’s not here. You fucking liar! _Where is she?!_” 

“You’re not looking in the right place. For a child that reads so much, you are remarkably unintelligent.” 

“She’s not here!”

“Oh...don't look so down…” Olaf said putting on the most exaggerated frown Klaus had ever seen. “I’d say things are looking up, up...up.” Olaf turned his body to face the direction of his tower with the biggest smile as he gazed up at his treachery. 

“_Oh no_,” Klaus said in a small, scared voice. Klaus could see that dangling from the tower window was a birdcage but it wasn’t the birdcage necessarily that made him freeze in fear, more so _ who _he saw trapped inside the birdcage. Inside the birdcage, he could see a small and very frightened Sunny. When Klaus looked closely, he could see there was a large piece of tape across his baby sister’s mouth, and ropes tied around her body. A wave of pure anger flushed over as he grabbed Olaf by the shirt. “Let her go! She’s done nothing to you, she’s a fucking infant.” 

“Well, now,” Olaf began pushing Klaus’ hands away from him, “If you really want me to let her go, or more accurately if you want my associate to let her go, he will. But surely even a stupid brat like yourself might realize that if he lets her go poor little Sunny might not survive the fall down to the ground. That’s a thirty-foot tower, which is a very long way for a very little person to fall, even when she’s inside a cage...but if you insist…” 

** _“No! Don’t!” _ ** Klaus cried. Klaus looked into Count Olaf’s eyes, and then at the small parcel that was his baby sister, hanging from the top of the tower, slightly moving with the breeze. He closed his eyes and imagined Sunny toppling from the tower onto the ground, picturing his sister’s last thoughts being ones of sheer terror. “ _ Please! She’s just a baby! _I’ll do anything, anything.” 

“_ Anything? _ ** _Anything?!” _ **Count Olaf mimicked. “Would you consider...giving me your inheritance.” 

Klaus glared at Olaf. Klaus realized that the most frightening aspects of Olaf were that he was actually quite smart after all. He wasn’t merely an unsavory, drunken abusive piece of shit, but an unsavory _ clever, _ drunken abusive piece of shit. The other was the sheer fact that he will do _ anything _to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune. But Klaus refused to go down without a fight. “You will _never _touch our fortune!” 

“Oh, Klaus. I’ll touch whatever I want.” count Olaf said simply. “You see, while you were busy reading your useless book, I had my quietest, sneakiest associate skulk into your bedroom and steal little Sunny away. She is perfectly safe for now. Her _ staying _ safe is entirely up to _ you. _See, I consider your sister to be a stick behind a stubborn mule...”

“My sister’s not a fucking stick.”

“A stubborn mule,” Count Olaf explained, “does not move in the direction its owner wants it to. In that way, you are the stubborn mule, Klaus. Any animal owner will tell you that a stubborn mule will move in the proper direction if there is a carrot in front of it, and a stick behind it. It will move toward the carrot, because it wants the reward of food, and away from the stick because it does not want the punishment of rump pain. Likewise, you will do what I say, to avoid the punishment of the loss of your precious baby sister. Now, Klaus, let me ask you again. Would you consider giving me your _ entire _ inheritance once you come of age?”

Klaus glared again at Count Olaf who was patiently waiting for Klaus’ answer. Klaus looked up at Sunny and sighed. “If you let Sunny go _ unharmed _once I come of age, I will hand over the entire Baudelaire fortune to you.” 

Count Olaf simply smiled at Klaus. “I will let Sunny go..._ after _you’ve learned to obey my every demand.” 

Klaus looked at him angrily. “What the fuck, that’s not the deal.”

Count Olaf simply smirked back at the brainy young boy, “You don’t really have much say in what happens here.”

“You fucking bastard!” Klaus cried trying to get in Olaf’s face.

“You know, if I were _ you _ I’d start being a little more complacent because I can kill Sunny at any time and simply _ beat _ you into complacency. I don’t _ need _Sunny to get this fortune. She’s just a pawn in this little game.” 

“If you harm her...I swear...I’ll...I’ll.” Klaus began as he started to cry.

“You’ll what?” Olaf asked pushing Klaus into the fence. “Give up, boy. You’re only making things worse for yourself....and your sister.” 

“I swear…” he began.

“Are you testing me? Ooooh! Please, I dare you, test me. Test your luck! Gamble your baby sister’s life! It’s no skin off my bones, dear boy. I only need one of you to get your fortune. If I have to kill Sunny to get you to understand that I am a force to be feared and obeyed, then so be it.” Olaf’s eyes were shining so bright with every threat. “And if I don’t kill Sunny, I will keep her in there for the rest of her miserable life if you don’t start behaving like a good little orphan!” 

“She’d never fit, dumbass!” 

“Well, let’s see. How old are you? Twelve? Nearly thirteen? Correct me if I’m wrong. Meaning around five more years or so…so she’d be around six...maybe seven when I’d obtain your fortune. I’m pretty sure a six-year-old could fit in that birdcage...it might be a tight squeeze. But that isn’t _ our _problem, now is it.”

Klaus looked a mixture of angry and terrified.

“You’re a terrible man!” Klaus shouted at his guardian as Count Olaf swiped the book from Klaus’ hand and turned to go back inside. 

“I might be a terrible man. But I have been able to concoct a foolproof way of getting your fortune, which is more than you’ve been able to do.” Count Olaf said without turning around. “Remember, orphan. You might have read more books than I have, but I have outsmarted you. It didn’t help you gain the upper hand in this situation at all. Now do the chores I’ve assigned for you.”

And with that count Olaf left Klaus standing there alone in the backyard. Klaus continued to stare up at the tower. He was going to save his sister...or die trying.

___________________________________________________________

The next morning Violet woke up to her father shuffling papers and photographs. She looked at the clock that laid next to the nightstand that they had in the middle of their beds. “You know it’s 5 am, right?” She said putting her pillow over her head.

Her father barely glanced her way, “Oh sorry, hun. Did I wake you?”

“What do you think?” she replied under her pillow. 

“Well go back to sleep then, silly.” 

“It’s not that simple. Going back to sleep is _ never _that simple.” she groaned. “What are you doing?”

“Just crafting an investigation board.”

“It’s five...in the morning? You can’t do that at a reasonable hour.”

He shook his head, which she couldn’t see since she was still hiding her face under her pillow. She waited a few seconds and assumed that he had either shook or nodded his head when he didn’t answer her back. She sat up, “Did you even sleep?”

He shook his head again tacking a picture on the wall. 

“Maybe...you should sleep.” she suggested but he shook his head in response. She watched as he carefully takes different colored pieces of string to the wall, connecting pictures to news articles. “So what are you investigating now?”

“I told you, honey, that’s top secret.”

“Why is this case top secret when all of your other ones weren’t.”

“The person involved doesn’t want anyone to know about it until the case is solved.” He lied quickly.

She made her way to his desk and glanced over the investigation board. She took one of the photographs off the wall and stared at it. “So, you’re investigating...children?” 

He quickly took the picture out of her hands and placed it in the exact spot he had previously placed it. “Vi, that’s confidential.”

“No, it’s...kinda obvious. Since you have several pictures of these kids.” Violet looked down at a handful of pictures and started looking through them. Lemony quickly took the pile of pictures right out of her hands and placed them in his pockets. Violet raised her eyebrows in concern but shrugged it off. “You worry me sometimes,” she said simply.

“Sorry.” 

“So you really can’t tell me anything?” 

“Unfortunately, no.”

“But who would I tell?”

Lemony sighed, “Violet, please. Don’t make this hard on your old man. I am just following my client’s orders. You know I would tell you if I could.”

Violet just stared at her father for several moments as she poured herself a bowl of cereal. “Just...just promise me one thing,” 

“Yes, honey?”

“You won’t forget about _ this _client.” She said pointing at herself. “You’re supposed to find her for me. You promised.” 

“I know and I will. I will find her...someday. You know that is my biggest case.”

“I know. I’m just making sure you know.” Violet replied.

“How could I forget?” 

Violet shrugged her shoulders and went back to eating her breakfast. Lemony frowned but didn’t allow her any chance to see. With every lie he told his daughter, his guilt increased. He knows she deserved the truth but he also knew that the truth would crush her. How bad would it be to allow her to continue believing that her dream could come true? Besides, how was he sure she was truly dead. He knew VFD, he knew they had sneaky ways around fires, murders, and false accusations. Maybe Beatrice was alive and well...Lemony doubted it, though. Why would she leave her other two children?


	9. The One With Klaus' Failed Rescue Attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****WARNING! WARNING!*****
> 
> Dear Readers,  
I hate to inform you but my extensive research on the Baudelaire case takes a turn for the worst in this chapter. Within this chapter, you will come across depictions of graphic child abuse. This chapter contains mild gore, violence, physical abuse of a minor, torture, threats of violence. If you have a weak stomach or are easily squeamish, I would advise skipping that section of this chapter. 
> 
> The section in question begins a few paragraphs after Klaus starts throwing his grappling hook. [Indicated by the word Clang!] and ends at the end of the chapter. Please read with caution. Sorry for any disturbing imagery. 
> 
> [Also note, If you find that you cannot finish this chapter or even attempt to read the section that I am warning you about, I am willing to explain in less detail what happens that way you are aware of the events that take place in this chapter. Just reach out and let me know.]
> 
> Tread cautiously. Thank you all who support me and this fic. I hope I don't disturb you too much.
> 
> With all love and respect,  
-Susan

> ** _Chapter Eight:_ **

_ The One With Klaus’ Failed Rescue Attempt _

If Klaus Baudelaire had to pick a day that was the worst day of his life, he would’ve picked today as that day. Before Count Olaf had kidnapped Sunny and shoved her into a birdcage, Klaus would have chosen the day his parents had perished in that terrible fire, but this seemed worse somehow. The rest of the day was pure Hell for Klaus as he did all of his backbreaking and tedious chores under the watchful eyes of either Count Olaf or one of his vile troupe members. It was night time and they had finally left Klaus alone. He was in his attic bedroom pacing back and forth. He had gotten Sunny into this mess by outsmarting Olaf about inheritance law and now he had to outsmart him _ again _and rescue Sunny. But he couldn’t form any sort of plan. 

Klaus looked around the room for anything helpful but stopped in his tracks when he had noticed Sunny’s diaper bag. He could see her baby blanket was on the top of it and he frowned. He imagined being that high up within a metal birdcage must have been cold. He grabbed the blanket and headed up the curving stairs of the tower room. He was not surprised to see sitting in front of the door was the Hook Handed Man who looked up from his game of Solitaire and glared at the boy. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked still glaring at the boy.

“I...I was wondering if I could give my sister her baby blanket. I thought she might be cold.” Klaus said not looking at the man.

“Boss said you’re not allowed in this room under any circumstances. You shouldn’t even be on this staircase.” 

Klaus frowned but held out the blanket. He remembered that this man was the only one of Olaf’s vile theatre troupe that seemed worried for Sunny when Olaf was balancing her above his head using only one hand. “Could...could you give it to her? It must be awfully cold.” 

At first, he shook his head at the young boy, eventually going back to his card game. Klaus sighed, “Do you have a sister?” 

Surprisingly the Hook Handed Man looked up at the boy with a big frown on his face. He simply nodded. 

“Is she younger?” Klaus asked as the Hook Handed Man nodded again. “Well, can you do me this favor. Big brother to big brother. Hell, if you don’t want to do this for me, can you do it for _ her. _For Sunny.” 

After several moments of contemplation, the Hook Handed Man stood up and reached for the blanket gently. Klaus gave him a small smile. “...C-c-can you tell her that I love her and that I am sorry.” Klaus pleaded trying his best to hold back tears. 

The man just nodded, “Will do.” he said as he entered the tower room locking the door behind him. Klaus whispered a quick ‘thank you’ and raced down the stairs of the tower room. He headed back to his attic room and began pacing around the room again. 

He knew he had to spring into action, he also knew his best time to act would be at night when Count Olaf was either too busy drinking to pay attention to him or asleep. So after nearly another hour of endless pacing, Klaus began to sneak his way to the backyard. His aching body pained with every slight movement but he wasn’t going to let that or his growing fear of Count Olaf stop him from saving Sunny. His baby sister _ needed _ him. He had to rescue her from that birdcage and then both of them were going to run away from this Hellhole. He didn’t know what would come of them on the streets but he imagined that _ anything _ was better than being in Count Olaf’s ‘care’.

Klaus stealthily made his way from the unfit bedroom to the backyard without being detected. He could hear Olaf in the dining room chatting about his grand victory over Klaus and Sunny, he could hear all his henchmen, except for the Hook Handed Man; whose turn it was to guard the tower room, laughing and applauding Olaf. This made Klaus sick to his stomach. How could those idiots applaud such a vile man like Olaf? Nothing Olaf had done deserved any appraisal or applause. He physically abused a twelve-year-old boy and he had locked an infant in a birdcage, he deserved to rot in jail not applause. 

Klaus quietly looked around the yard, something here had to be useful to help him and his baby sister out of their bleak situation. He kept peering up at her and his heart sank. He had promised his dead parents that he’d always look after Sunny. “You are the eldest Baudelaire child, “ they had said to him kindly but firmly, “And as the eldest, it will always be your responsibility to look after your baby sister. Promise us that you will always watch out for her and make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble.” Klaus remembered his promise and thought of Sunny, how she was now dangling from the top of the tower like a flag. He began to quietly sob. When he had made that promise, he had never imagined it would be so difficult. Especially this soon in her life. He thought the difficult times would be when she was a teenager and he had to fight off some piece of shit that she wanted to date. But it was difficult nowadays. Without his parents, he was all Sunny had. It pained him to see her growing up in a way that was miserable, cruel, volatile and dangerous. Even though Count Olaf was the cause of all their misery, Klaus felt as if he had broken his promise to his parents and vowed to make it right.

Believe it or not, it took the Baudelaire parents _ six weeks _ to get Klaus to even agree to that promise. Six weeks of Sunny’s life had passed before Klaus took their request seriously. You see, before Sunny was born, Klaus had _ everything. _ He had his parents' undivided attention and he had all the time and quiet in the world to read every book from the Baudelaire library. It had been paradise being the only child of two kind, loving, attentive and caring parents. 

So when Sunny came along, you can imagine how Klaus had initially reacted. He had spent the last eleven or so years as their parents' pride and joy, and now someone else was stealing his spotlight, his attention. Klaus _ hated _it. Whenever he wanted to spend time with one or both of his parents, they would bring Sunny along. When he was trying to read his day away, some days he couldn’t because of Sunny’s constant crying or his parents were constantly interrupting and asking him to help with his new baby sister.

There were some days within those first six weeks where Klaus would stand outside Sunny’s room with his arms folded across his chest, wearing a face of pure jealousy and contempt as he gazed on in. 

Some days Klaus thought of ways to get his parents undivided attention back. He was so desperate for their attention that Klaus, one time, had contemplated purposely falling down the stairs just to have his parents rush to him instead of Sunny. He ultimately decided against it because he was afraid he’d actually hurt himself but he never stopped scheming. 

The day that his feelings towards Sunny changed had been a truly scary one. Klaus had been tasked with babysitting while their parents went to get a few things at the store. His mother pleaded for her son to take this job seriously, while his father tried explaining to him that as Sunny gets older, she is going to look to him as her hero, her role model, and even her best friend. At the time, this barely phased Klaus. He barely looked up from his book. Once they left, Klaus did, however, go to his usual spot in the doorway of Sunny’s room, to keep a closer eye. He stood against the door frame reading his book. About five minutes later he heard a weird, unnatural sound coming from Sunny’s crib. Sunny was a biter, even at six weeks, anything she could grab, she’d bite. So when Klaus casually walked over to investigate the strange noise coming from his baby sister’s crib, he wasn’t too surprised to see she was choking.

Quickly, in a panicked state, Klaus threw his book on the floor and rushed to Sunny’s aide. He closed his eyes trying to remember what to do in situations like this. You see, during the Baudelaire mother’s pregnancy with her youngest daughter, she would often ask her son to read to her. She would always hand him a book about babies or a book pertaining to the topic of infant care. Although Klaus knew exactly what his mother was doing, he would always begrudgingly agree because it was one of his favorite ways to hang out with either parent.

As he closed his eyes, everything Klaus had read about babies came to the forefront of his mind. Quickly but gently, he adjusted Sunny properly and maneuvered his index finger into her mouth like a hook. He had read patting a choking baby’s back could actually make the situation much worse by lodging the object further down the baby’s throat, this method was better to dislodge whatever it was blocking her airway.

Seconds began to feel like minutes and mere minutes began to feel like hours as he saw Sunny’s face slightly turn purple. Klaus’ heart sank and he could feel his eyes beginning to water. He just kept whispering ‘no’ out loud to himself. 

Finally, Klaus was able to grasp the choking hazard and remove it from Sunny’s airway. He threw the piece of broken rattle on the nightstand next to her crib and watched in delight as his sister’s face turned from purple to red to her normal skin tone back to red as she began to wail. Klaus slowly picked her up and began rocking her gently in his arms. 

“Shhhh… it’s okay. Everything is okay, Sunny. Big brother is right here...I’m never gonna let anything bad happen to you. _ Ever. _” He cooed to her as he rocked her. Eventually, she began to calm down and her cries turned into giggles as she smiled up at him.

He smiled back down at her, “You know, you’re not half bad.” he said shifting her in one arm and beginning to clean up pieces of broken rattle that had fallen in her crib. “You’ve got a good set of teeth on you...but you gotta be more careful.”

Sunny only looked up at him confused but smiled a big toothy smile and it effectively melted Klaus’ heart. She continued to stare up at her big brother, smiling and giggling, even playfully reaching for his glasses. He held her close to him, “I _ promise _ you, Sunny. I will _ always _ be here you and I will _ never _let anyone or anything hurt you.” He told her as he sat down on the rocking chair and began to read his book aloud to Sunny. 

Klaus had been so lost in that moment that he didn’t realize that his parents had come home and quietly stood in the doorway watching their two children bonding. It was only when Klaus had finished reading the book that he looked up to see his parents smiling at their two children. 

“I am ready to take my promise seriously, Mother,” Klaus said and his parents had recited the promise for the last time and this time Klaus had promised them. He had promised them that he would always look out for her no matter what. 

After that incident, Klaus took his job as Sunny’s big brother _ very _seriously. Sunny was rarely out of his sight. He read to her every day and every night. They played fetch when Sunny did not want to be read to. He even started to teach her how to talk and read. He understood she was a baby but he wanted her to be well-off. During the days, he’d read her books that he wanted to read and when he read her to sleep, he would read more age-appropriate books. The Baudelaire parents were amazed how quickly these two became thick as thieves and they were very proud of their son for saving Sunny from choking, but both parents began to see just how neurotic Klaus had become when it came to keeping his promise to them and Sunny. 

With the amount of time that Klaus had spent with his baby sister, it was no surprise to any member of the Baudelaire household that Sunny’s first word was ‘Klaus’. Followed by her personal favorites, ‘bite’, ‘mama’, ‘daddy’, and ‘book’. 

Klaus sighed as he looked up at Sunny dangling in the birdcage again. He _ hated _ the fact that his baby sister had been kidnapped by their guardian and was now being used as a bargaining chip to get his greedy, filthy hands on the Baudelaire fortune. He couldn’t help but feel responsible. But what could he have done differently? He had overheard Olaf’s ridiculous plans to kill him and Sunny via train ‘accident’. He _ had to _ tell Olaf how his plan was highly flawed. He _ never _imagined the bastard would take Sunny captive to make Klaus more complacent. He thought maybe if he had been more complacent, or ‘better behaved’ as Olaf called it, maybe Olaf wouldn’t have felt the need to take Sunny. 

Klaus began to silently sob, “I’m sorry, Mother. I’m sorry, Father.” He said looking up at the stars in the sky. “I’m sorry I’ve failed you...but I _ promise _I am going to fix this.” 

Now Klaus Baudelaire was your stereotypical nerd. He had no athletic skill and barely any creative skills. He was more of a logical boy. As he looked around Count Olaf’s backyard looking desperately for a solution he began to ponder to himself. 

“I really wish I wasn’t the eldest,” he admitted to himself shamefully. “If I had an older brother or sister, _ they _ could get us out of this situation.” He knew wishing for an older sibling was silly. It wasn’t like wishing for a younger sibling, which when his parents were alive would have always been a possibility. Older siblings, as I am sure you know, arrive on this Earth _ before _ you so if you are raised in a household where you are considered the eldest; most of the time that’s that. You are the eldest. At this moment in the case of the Baudelaire children, Klaus _ was _the eldest. So he had to do something about his and Sunny’s current situation.

He quietly walked around the desolate, dirty backyard. Every now and then looking up to make sure no one from the tower room had spotted him and looking at the back door making sure that no one on the ground floor of the home had noticed that he was outside. 

His heart sank as he began to feel as though it would be better to simply give up, how bad could living with Olaf for another six years truly be. 

“I could really use an inventor of some sort. A mechanical genius,” he said to himself as he looked down and saw a broken umbrella. His mind began to race. Maybe, just maybe he could fashion this into a grappling hook and scale the tower. Klaus knew he was a shitty climber but what could he do? He had to try. He was going to need some sort of rope. He quickly glanced around the yard for the umpteenth time until his eyes noticed a long, green garden hose. Klaus knew that most garden hoses ranged from fifty to one hundred feet in length, making this _ perfect _ for climbing a thirty-foot tower. 

Quickly, Klaus began to rip the remaining canopy from the umbrella’s skeleton. He then carefully tied the garden hose the best he could using a knot that his mother had taught him. He believed it was called the Devil’s Tongue. He hadn’t used this at all since she had first shown him how to tie it. He hoped that he remembered it correctly, he planned on scaling Olaf’s tower with this makeshift grappling hook. Klaus looked up at the tower again and then looked at his creation. He could feel his heart beating heavily in his chest. It was now or never. When he glanced up at the birdcage holding his baby sister, Klaus realized his plan was even more difficult than he had thought. The night was quiet, which would mean he would have to try his best to not make any sound at all. The night also had a slight, taunting breeze, and when he pictured himself swinging in the breeze, clinging to a garden hose, he almost gave up entirely. But then he thought about the promise he had made to his parents and his baby sister and he decided that he had to try. He owed Sunny that. He owed his parents that. 

Using his right hand, he threw the grappling hook as high and as hard as he could, waiting to see if it would catch onto something. 

_ Clang! _ the umbrella made a loud noise as it hit the tower, but unfortunately stuck to nothing and came crashing down. Klaus stood stock-still, his heart pounding, praying that no one inside the house had heard the noise. He waited a couple of moments before trying again. 

_ Clang! Clang _! The poorly designed grappling hook hit the tower twice and fell again. Klaus waited again, even more, terrified than before. All he could hear was his own terrified pulse. Klaus decided to try again.

_ Clang _! The grappling hook hit the tower and fell again, this time hitting Klaus in the shoulder. One of the arms of the umbrella tore through his shirt and cut through his skin. Klaus put his other hand over his mouth and muffled a cry. Klaus could feel that his wound was wet with blood. At this point, Klaus wanted to give up entirely. But just as he was about to turn around and head inside, he imagined just how scared Sunny must be, and ignoring the pain in his shoulder, he tried again. He tried several more times. Each throw failing to grab onto something. 

The eerie night air around Klaus seemed to get colder like a menacing aura was surrounding him. Before Klaus could even react; a tall, shadowy figure violently grabbed him by the shoulders and threw him harshly against the back wall of the house. His attacker must have noticed the deep gash on his shoulder because they dug their nails deep into the wound. Before he had a chance to fully process what was happening, the young boy started to scream in agony from the harsh pressure being placed upon his injured shoulder. A long, bony hand crawled to cover his mouth muffling his cries for help. Klaus quickly realized that he had been caught and he was now looking into the shiny, angry eyes of Count Olaf. Klaus started breathing heavily but focused on trying his best to not show Count Olaf any weakness. He hated that this vile man intimidated him. He wished he was as brave as his mother and as strong as his father. But unfortunately for Klaus, this wasn’t the case. He was quite short and puny and he hadn’t hit puberty just yet. Klaus fantasized that when it finally happens, he’d be able to kick Olaf’s ass. As the vile man held Klaus against the wall, Klaus tried to struggle to get out of Olaf’s ever-tightening grip. Olaf held him there for a few moments waiting for Klaus to quit struggling, eventually, the young boy gave up. He began to feel as small as Sunny in comparison to Olaf. He gulped as he looked up at Olaf who stared back at him with his shiny eyes.

“What do you _ think _ you are doing?” Olaf asked him through gritted teeth. Klaus, afraid he’d start crying if he answered, simply looked back at the wicked man. Olaf looked down at what Klaus was holding in his hand. “What...is... _ that _?” 

Olaf roughly took hold of the garden hose, yanking the make-shift grappling hook from Klaus’ grasp. Still keeping a firm grip on Klaus, Olaf began to examine the invention. “Do you want to give me a reason to beat you senseless? You sniveling bookworm!”

Klaus shook his head and tried to push passed Olaf, but Olaf kept him in place. “Now what am I going to do with you?” He asked tauntingly looking at a now trembling Klaus, absentmindedly letting the grappling hook fall in front of both of their feet. “I mean, I could keep true to my promise of dropping that pipsqueak _ to her death _ ...” he watched as Klaus’ eyes went wide with fear. Klaus frantically shook his head, struggling to overpower Olaf. “...but I feel as though the death of your sister _ would be letting you off easily.” _

Olaf pondered for a few moments on what to do, he then looked down at the grappling hook that Klaus had constructed, menacingly he looked up at Klaus with a wicked grin, Olaf grabbed the poorly constructed invention. “Maybe your little creation will be useful after all,” Olaf said grabbing ahold of the umbrella and freeing it from the garden hose. He applied more pressure to the hand that was covering Klaus’ mouth. He stepped closer to the terrified young boy, and using the strength in his upper legs, Olaf kept the boy against the wall. Olaf simply smirked at the trembling boy as he pressed the rusty tip of one of the umbrella’s stretchers onto the right side of Klaus’ chest and began to slowly and agonizingly pierce Klaus’ skin. Olaf was applying enough pressure that the metal easily ripped through Klaus’ nightshirt and was making full contact with his skin. 

Klaus tried his best to scream but Olaf applied more pressure to his hand that was covering Klaus’ mouth. All of Klaus’ cries for help were muffled against the villain’s cold, cruel hand. Klaus felt every ounce of agony as Olaf was ripping his skin apart. Klaus began to struggle against Olaf’s grip but it did nothing but increase his pain. 

“You know, struggling is only gonna make it worse,” Olaf said taunting the poor boy. Klaus could feel his eyes watering and his chest bleeding. Blood was slowly dripping down Klaus’ chest on to his pants and shoes. The sight of his own blood was utterly terrifying. All he could think about was that he was done for. This is it. Olaf was going to kill him, right here, right now. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he felt like his chest was going to explode. 

He continued to struggle against Olaf’s grasp but to no avail. Olaf kept his grasp on both Klaus and the umbrella and continued to pierce Klaus’ chest ignoring the boy’s muffled pleads. “You feel that? This is _ exactly _what Hooky’s hooks are going to feel like when he tears you and that baby limb from limb!” Olaf whispered harshly into Klaus’ ear. 

Klaus felt utterly trapped. It didn’t help that Olaf’s yard was dimly lit and Olaf had him against one of the walls furthest away from any light. No neighboring houses could see what was happening to him. No witnesses. Knowing Olaf, he had a plan to get rid of all the evidence. Klaus feared that Olaf was going to kill him and take Sunny far, far away until she came of age to give him the fortune. He didn’t want to imagine what would happen to his baby sister once he was out of the picture. 

Once Olaf had reached the end of his stomach with the umbrella, Klaus looked up at him with pleading eyes. “Now, have you learned your lesson yet?” Olaf asked him in a belittling voice. Klaus nodded his head frantically while trying to use all of his strength to push Olaf away from him. Olaf using the hand that was already muffling Klaus’ screams, extended his fingers so that they were grasping Klaus’ entire face harshly. Then the cruel man dug his sharp, dirty fingernails into Klaus’ face, applying pressure to both cheeks and slammed his head to the back of the wall. “I don’t think you have.” 

Olaf took a brief moment to look at his handiwork. Klaus’ wound was pretty deep, not too deep to kill the boy, but deep enough to be considered a gash rather than a mere scratch. Olaf smiled at the fact that Klaus’ chest was painted red with his blood. The slight breeze of the night was also not helping Klaus because as it came in contact with his wound, it sent severe chills throughout Klaus’ body. Every aspect of this experience felt like pure Hell to Klaus. Klaus tried to look into Olaf’s shiny eyes looking for an ounce of humanity. 

Klaus gave wide eyes and Olaf jabbed the tip of the broken umbrella back on his chest in the exact same spot he had started. “_ ...please... _” he cried trying desperately to plead with Olaf. His vision rapidly blurred, his eyes were getting watery, the image of his assailant became a darkened silhouette. Klaus pleaded as his eyes threatened to close due to his body’s shock taking over. 

Olaf began to trace the cut he had previously made while smiling wickedly at Klaus. Klaus began pleading for help but Olaf immediately put his hand back over Klaus’ mouth. “You see, I knew you hadn’t learned your lesson, yet. You’re still being _ very _ disobedient. But that’s okay, I know just how to fix your delinquent behavior.” 

Klaus began to hit the side of the house with his fists, hoping that it would get the attention of someone inside. Sure, the only people inside the house were Count Olaf’s dreadful theatre troupe, but maybe if one of them came outside and witnessed this, either he’d stop or they’d say something to convince him to stop. But to Klaus’ misfortune, no one came. No one came to his rescue. Klaus could feel his chest still bleeding and wondered when Olaf would stop. This was all too much for the young twelve-year-old. Klaus’ eyes continued to threaten unconsciousness but his mind kept racing back to Sunny. He couldn’t leave her. Not with this asshole. He had to power through this. Even if Olaf was tearing him apart, literally, he couldn’t let this rat bastard win. 

Klaus’ face was heavily soaked with his tears. His head was not only throbbing from the intense pain he was enduring, but also from when Olaf slammed it against the brick wall of his house. He was losing the feeling in his legs as they began to wobble and jerk violently. Olaf noticing that Klaus was near the point of unconsciousness, he moved his hand from the orphan boy’s mouth and harshly slapped him to bring him back to reality. “Oh, you’re not getting out of this so easily.” He said chillingly.

** _“...please..._ **” Klaus said again, the only thing he could even think of saying to this violent and psychotic man. Klaus closed his eyes as Olaf lifted his weapon, striking the already bruised shoulder. Klaus felt his shoulder starting to bleed all over again. Klaus sighed in relief as Olaf dropped his weapon. It was over. It was finally over. 

Olaf using his free hand applied pressure to Klaus’ wounds making Klaus violently shake and try to get away from him. “What’s wrong, kiddo?” the vicious man asked finally releasing Klaus from the wall, allowing Klaus to fall to his knees. Klaus began to sob, but he sobbed quietly into his own hands. Fully fearing what Olaf would do if he even attempted to scream for help. Olaf knelt down and roughly grabbed Klaus by the hair and lifted his face to look at Olaf’s. “_ You best hope I don’t find a way to obtain that fucking fortune quicker...because if and when I do, I will kill you and that insufferable biting brat… _ ” Olaf whispered chillingly. “ _ ...in the cruelest way imaginable. _You think that was bad...oooh...try another rescue attempt.” 

Klaus merely nodded avoiding any sort of eye contact. He was defeated. He had no fight left in him. He just wanted Olaf to leave him the fuck alone. He believed wholeheartedly that if Olaf didn’t stop soon, he would not be able to handle this and he’d die. He didn’t want to die, and not for the reasons you would think. Klaus Baudelaire did not want to die because he did not want to leave his baby sister alone with this monster.

“Look at me when I am fucking talking to you, four-eyes.” Olaf hissed picking up the umbrella again. Klaus looked up at Olaf with wide eyes and backed away as fast as he could from his abusive guardian. Olaf simply followed him holding the umbrella in the moonlight. Klaus began to cry, completely in shell shock. He didn’t want Olaf to use his invention on him again. He guarded his chest with his arms as softly as he could, trying to not apply any pressure whatsoever.

_ “Now let me make myself abundantly clear...” _ Olaf hissed, _ “the next time that you do anything to remotely piss me off _ , ** _down will come baby birdcage and all. _ ** ** _Now, do I make myself clear, orphan?”_ **

Klaus nodded looking up at Sunny’s birdcage. All he wanted was for her to be safe. He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, he simply wanted to save his baby sister. 

Olaf stepped in front of the young boy successfully towering over him and now blocking his view of his baby sister’s cage. “Oh, and not only will I kill her. I’ll gut you like a fucking fish.” He knelt grabbing Klaus’ face one last time. “And with her dead, you’ll be the one I need to keep alive. So just imagine what I’ll do to you then. You think this is bad...it can get_ much, much worse.” _ He roughly threw Klaus’ face to the ground. Klaus was now worried that Count Olaf was never going to leave him be. What else could he do to the poor boy? He had already severely injured him and cut him. Klaus felt as though the cold metal was still against his skin, ripping him ever so slowly.

Olaf smiled down at the young boy as he could see the fear that escaped the child’s eyes. He had successfully broken Klaus. He raised his arm as if to smack Klaus and watched with pure bliss as Klaus retreated and flinched. “Well, it seems you have finally learned your lesson,” Olaf said patting Klaus on the head as if he were a dog who just learned a new trick and not a young child that he had severely abused and traumatized. Klaus started to shake in fear and didn’t even look at Olaf. He didn’t glare. He didn’t talk back. He just sat there and trembled. “Now, get your ass inside and tend to your wounds. I can’t have you dying on me.” 

Klaus shuffled to his feet as quickly as he could. Walking quickly passed Olaf and most of his troupe members who had been watching from the back door. Klaus glared at each troupe member, who had stood there watching silently as the scene had unfolded. How could they have not helped him? How could they condone this? He could ignore them allowing Olaf to merely slap him or even beat him. But to stand there and let Olaf cut him with a rusty umbrella and slap him around was inexcusable. Klaus wanted them all to burn in hell. He wanted each of them to suffer the way he had just suffered. The only troupe member that had not been at the back door was the Hook-handed Man, who was presumably still upstairs guarding the tower room. He may have been nice enough to give Sunny her blanket, but Klaus doubted he would have stopped Olaf. Klaus believed he would have helped Olaf. Olaf followed slowly behind him bringing in the umbrella. Klaus didn’t know whether Olaf was hiding evidence or keeping it close by to threaten Klaus with. Olaf turned to his troupe with a triumphant smile. “Now who wants more wine!” 

Klaus slowly trudged up the stairs, his entire body feeling like he was slowly dying. He passed by the Hook-handed man who just looked at him with wide eyes. Klaus thought he was hallucinating because it looked like he wore a look of concern on his face. He held up a hook, Klaus couldn’t tell if it was a threat or his way of motioning for Klaus to hold on. The henchman walked off quickly, Klaus decided to wait. He used this time to garner up the strength to continue up the stairs to his attic bedroom. Just as he decided to push through the pain, the henchman returned with what looked like a self-made first-aid kit. He didn’t say anything, he handed the pitiful first-aid kit to the boy. He put one of his hooks up to his lips as if to tell Klaus to say nothing about this to anyone. Before he had a chance to reply, the hook-handed man turned to leave. Klaus frowned as the man left him alone.

He was all alone. He didn’t have either one of his parents, nor did he have Sunny to comfort him. After several minutes of climbing the stairs slowly, he was trying to maneuver with the least amount of movement as possible. Klaus reached the room and began to tend to his wounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter note:
> 
> The reason that I even wrote this in was for several reasons.
> 
> 1\. To make y'all hate Olaf even more than you had.  
2\. To make him a bigger, better threat against the children. Gotta make my villain scary, y'all.  
3\. To keep y'all on your toes.  
4\. I was in a dark place when I wrote this and part of me regrets it but another part of me is truly intrigued by just how dark and horrifying I went.  
5\. This creates more of a character arc for Klaus and helps me change future books like Reptile Room, Miserable Mill, Austere Academy, and Hostile Hospital to name a few. 
> 
> Please note that I do NOT like torturing children, fictional or not and it was truly hard to write this chapter. I even asked my bestie for help since she is into darker movies and shows. She also has no emotional connection to any of the characters and she found that editing this with me was fun. So she might help me with my darker chapters. 
> 
> Thank you again. Sorry if this has disturbed anyone.


	10. The One With Kitchen Fires and First-Aid Kits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader,
> 
> This chapter depicts the aftermath of the last chapter. Although there is no torture or child abuse within this chapter, there is a bit of gore, a few mildly graphic scenes that depict wounds, blood, and first-aid. 
> 
> So if you are easily squeamish, I would suggest skipping the first half of the chapter entirely. The chapter begins with this scene and goes up until Lemony and Violet's half beginnings. Indicated by the line separating the two different cases.
> 
> Tread cautiously. Thank you again.
> 
> -Susan

** _Chapter Nine:_ **

_ The One With the Kitchen Fires and First Aid Kits _

That night had been the worst of Klaus’ life so far. For one, Klaus was all alone, he had no one there to comfort him as he tended to the wicked wounds that Olaf gifted him. Both of his parents were dead and his baby sister was dangling from a tower window inside of a birdcage. Secondly, he spent most of the night in a panicked state. He used his back to push the small bed against the bedroom door in hopes of keeping Olaf out.

He then placed all of the contents of the first-aid kit onto the bed examining what the hook-handed man had given him. It wasn’t much but it would have to do. Klaus being an avid reader had read several books on first-aid and other medical topics. He had never used this information that he garnered from books though. He was a cautious and careful child. He was terrified of breaking rules and getting hurt. So he cautiously closed his eyes allowing all the useful information that he has read come to the forefront of his mind. He was in so much excruciating pain that his body and mind were threatening to shut down due to the adrenaline in his veins and the shock slowly consuming his body. He kept thinking of Sunny and his promise to his parents. He refused to let Olaf win this easily. Klaus had the stubbornness of his dear mother. 

He shed the torn pajama shirt off and took off his shoes that were now a tad soaked with his blood. He made a mental note to take care of those later. He looked down at the hideous laceration Olaf had made on his chest. He decided that this was the wound to tend to first and worry about his shoulder wound later. The sickening smell of bitter iron from his blood was so strong, he was beginning to gag. He was unable to decide whether or not the sight of his laceration or the smell of his own blood was more terrifying. His mind was a bit woozy and off so he couldn’t quite remember whether hydrogen peroxide or rubbing alcohol was better for infections and lacerations, so he grabbed the bottle closer to him. He tried to mentally prepare himself for the burning sensation that was to follow as he began to pour the contents of the rubbing alcohol onto the wound. He bit down on his hand as gently as he could trying to muffle the agonizing screams that started to escape from his mouth. He was unsure whether or not Sunny could hear him from the tower window and he didn’t want to frighten her. The pain must have been too intense for him, and it had made Klaus blackout for a couple of moments. When he opened his eyes, he had noticed that his head was on the bed next to the supplies. He looked around the room for a brief second looking confused but as he looked down at his chest, he remembered what he was desperately trying to do. 

Klaus then grabbed for the Neosporin and began to gently treat his wound with the ointment. Unlike the rubbing alcohol, it had a soothing, but less intense feel to it. Klaus was grateful that this didn’t add to his misfortune and discomfort. After he carefully applied enough Neosporin on his laceration. Klaus scanned the supplies and noticed that the hook-handed man had put a needle in the man-made first-aid kit. He picked it up, examining it. It seemed to be from a sewing kit. He desperately looked around the surface of the bed trying to find some thread. Surely, the henchman would have thought to provide Klaus with some sort of thread. To his utter disbelief, he found dental floss rather than regular thread. He weighed his options. He had read that other than going to a hospital, which he knew was out of the realm of possibilities, that it was best to sew up the wound to help it close. Klaus balled up his fists with frustration, unsure of whether or not the Hook-handed Man did this on purpose or if he was in such a hurry he grabbed whatever he believed would suffice. Knowing this was the better option, Klaus decided to make do with what he had. He kept asking himself what would his Mother and Father do? 

_ They’d kick Olaf’s fucking ass. _ He thought smiling. _ Maybe they’d even kill the bastard. _ Every time Klaus thought about his loving parents, the sadder he got. His father would _ never _ have treated Klaus the way that Olaf had and he knew his mother would _ never _ shove Sunny into a birdcage. He looked at the needle in his hand and the dental floss that still lay on the bed. _ For Sunny. _ He had to do everything he could to make sure she didn’t end up alone. He swore that after he repaired him, he’d find a safer, better way to rescue Sunny. He thought about going to Mr. Poe or Justice Strauss. _ Who are you kidding? _ He pondered to himself, anxious about what he had to do next. He bitterly thought of Mr. Poe. _ Would you consider _ ** _this _ ** _ acting in ‘loco parentis’? _ He was stalling. He knew that this was going to hurt like a motherfucker. He looked around the contents of the kit again. Looking for something he could bite on, so he could muffle all of his screams of pain. He glanced down at a clean sock, shaking his head and wondering why in the world he was given a sock. Clean or not, he was not going to bite down on the sock. He was confused as to why it was even in the kit. Surely, it’s intended purpose was to be either a washcloth or some sort of gag. Either way, Klaus tossed to the side rolling his eyes. He nervously glanced back down at the needle and dental floss. Was he really about to do this? _ For Sunny! _ His thoughts reminded him. _ Why do I have to be the eldest? Why can’t I have an older sibling who could help me with this? _He noticed that tears were falling from his face again. Never in a million years had Klaus imagined this would be his life. That this would be Sunny’s life. But unfortunately, here they were. One in a birdcage, probably still freezing in the nighttime breeze even with a blanket and rope around her body. And one in an attic bedroom, bleeding out and desperately trying to tend to his wounds and fight his body’s urges to give up and pass out. 

He took a deep breath as he used all of his remaining strength to pierce the skin near the wound with the needle. He was kicking his leg against the bed frame in utter agony. Biting down on his lip, again, to muffle any ear-piercing screams that may follow. He was so glad that his mother had taken the time to teach him how to sew when he was ten. He knew that sewing cloth and sewing a wound were vastly fucking different but he was going to imitate the technique his mother taught him, hoping that it was sufficient. Klaus was only able to pierce his skin twice, before once again, blacking out due to his body going into intense shellshock. This time he woke up on the floor, his eyesight blurring. He was in too much pain. He felt his face for his glasses. Yep, they were on. So his lack of sight was due to his body wanting to give in to the temptation of sleep rather than endure any more pain. He shook his head. _ For Sunny. _He reminded himself. Everything he did was for Sunny. He could do this. He was the eldest Baudelaire child. He made a promise that he intended on keeping. He pulled himself up so he was half-way on the bed with the lower half of his body slumped down. Scanning the bed for anything he could use to help with the pain. He smiled as he noticed a bottle of ibuprofen. He reached for it quickly, but his smile faded when he realized in horror that the bottle was empty. He threw the bottle across the room and yelled, “What the fuck!” Klaus was desperate for something to alleviate the pain. If someone offered him whiskey right now, he’d take it. No questions asked. But no one was offering him whiskey. No one was offering him any real help. 

His eyelids were becoming too heavy. He thought about allowing himself a few minute power nap but ultimately decided against it. He feared that if he allowed himself to sleep, he would die in his sleep. Noting that sewing the wound was getting him absolutely nowhere and it only posed a threat to him, as he feared if he continued his body would surely give in and he’d pass out. He gently undid the minimal repair that he had started and threw the needle and floss across the room, too. His eyes began to water again. He couldn’t tell what was worse. Olaf cutting him or having to tend to wounds by himself. 

He grabbed the gauze and began to apply it around his laceration. He knew that this would help stop the bleeding that had severely lessened. Klaus didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad thing or a sick mixture of both. On one hand, he hoped that his wound was helping him with the healing process and that the blood was coagulating. But on the other hand, Klaus feared that the bleeding lessened because he had already lost so much blood that there wasn’t much left to lose. Like Olaf successfully drained him. He noticed that his arms were pale and that he was becoming more and more light-headed by the minute. _ For Sunny! _ He reminded himself yet again. He grabbed the box of butterfly bandages and began to apply as many as he can. Evenly spacing all of them out and doing his best to make it precise. He knew that this altercation was going to end with him having a battle scar, a constant reminder of what he had been through tonight. But he was still going to try his damndest to lessen _ that _ as well. Applying the butterfly bandages was in fact, extremely easier than trying to sew the damage. He honestly didn’t understand why he hadn’t thought of that. His eyes fluttered rapidly as he finished placing the last butterfly bandage on himself. He gritted his teeth as his head began to fall. _ For Sunny! _ Klaus shakily stood up. He knew from his reading that to lessen the scar, he had to keep his wound moist. He also wanted to clean up the blood that was practically all over him. He looked to the door of his bedroom. He hadn’t heard Olaf or his troupe members in a while, he also pondered how long had it been since his attack. He did pass out twice, and for who knows how long. He debated his options. He looked to his suitcase and began to rummage through the ugly, uncomfortable clothes that Mr. Poe had gifted him. Trembling, he found the shirt he cared for the least. He knew it was too dangerous for him to sit in the bathroom seeing that not only was there a rat in the bathroom, but there also was a rat bastard downstairs who was presumingly getting more drunk by the minute and had a tendency for unnecessary fits of violence. The least amount of time in that man’s presence, the better. 

Klaus shakingly grabbed hold of the metal bars of the bed frame and he tried to pull the bed away from the door. He fell to the ground, landing on his back. _ For Sunny! _ His mind was racing, his eyes were jerking in their sockets, unable to focus on anything in the room. Was this how it feels to die? He wondered. Or was he simply just passing out. Either way, he had to fight it. He took a couple of breaths and slowly stood back up. He desperately wanted to sleep. He was exhausted and everything ached. He kept telling himself ‘soon’ and that he was ‘nearly done’. He took hold of the bedposts again and he inched the bed away from the door just far enough where he’d squeeze through with no issue. He grabbed the shirt in his hand and he collapsed on the floor. It was hard for him to open his eyes and by the time he did, he was unsure just how much time had passed. He was lying awkwardly on the floor. He looked at the window, the night sky was a slight shade of grey. Indicating that the sun was slowly rising. It wasn’t quite morning but it wasn’t nighttime either. He estimated that it must have been around four in the morning. He slowly pulled himself up. _ Come on Klaus! You can’t give up now. Sunny needs you to survive this. Do it for her. Do it for your parents. _ Once he reached the door, he opened it as slowly as possible, holding his breath as the door creaked open. His heart pounded fiercely in his chest. All he could hear was Olaf’s threat, “... _ if you do anything that remotely pisses me off...down will come baby birdcage and all…” _Once the door had been open a significant amount, he paused for several terrifying seconds. Making sure no one was coming up the stairs. 

He trudged across the hall into the bathroom and frantically started to soak the shirt in warm water. He couldn’t remember if the books’ instructions called for hot or cold water, so he’d meet in the middle and make it lukewarm. He turned off the faucet and waited another few chilling moments before quietly making his way back to his bedroom. He began to apply the shirt to the outsides of his wounds. Trying to alleviate the scarring of the wound. He also took the time to use the shirt as a washcloth. Once he finished with that, he hung the shirt on the bedframe and began to cover his chest laceration with the gauze roller. He did his best to not create too much pressure against his wound, but enough pressure to keep the cover stick. Using the tape he taped the roller gauze to him. He glanced down at his handiwork. For a twelve-year-old boy in this predicament, it wasn’t half bad. 

Klaus sat down on the bed and began to focus his attention on his shoulder wound. Admittedly, Klaus had been the one to initially give himself this wound but Olaf had made it a lot worse by digging his nails into it, applying unnecessary harsh pressure and even gashing him again making the injury about twenty times worse. Klaus examined the skin around the cut. It wasn’t as deep or far apart as his chest wound. He sighed with relief. _ It was almost over. This was going to be a piece of cake. _ His eyes still threatening to close, and his mind threatening to shut down at any minute. Klaus took the bottle of hydrogen peroxide and began to apply it to the smaller wound. He winced as the peroxide cleaned the wound and burnt him in a far less intense way that the rubbing alcohol had. Klaus patiently waited for the peroxide to turn his cut white as he dabbed it with the clean side of the soaked, lukewarm shirt. He grabbed the last of the gauze pads and the three remaining butterfly bandages and began to work on his shoulder. With much relief, this wound was profoundly easier to treat probably because it wasn’t as long or deep as the one Olaf had given him on his chest. Finally, Klaus wrapped his wound using the gauze roller and tape. He gave a small smile as he looked himself over. _ I did it! I’m alive! I’ve won! _ Klaus knew deep down that this was a silly sentiment, for Klaus had not won. He was alive. He had successfully tended to his wounds. But he was far from the winner’s circle in this situation. Olaf still had the upper hand, more so than before. But Klaus couldn’t bother with that now. Using the last bit of his strength, Klaus put on a new shirt to protect his bandages and he crawled onto the bed. He pushed everything off in one fell swoop and as he placed his head down on the lumpy mattress, he was out like a light. Heavily breathing as he finally allowed his body and mind the one thing it had been craving for a while now. _ Sleep. _

________________________________________________________________

When Violet woke up the next morning, she could hardly say she was surprised to see her father asleep at his desk, which was filled with documents, photographs, and other important materials. He was slumped on his desk using his desk as a pillow. He must have been up all night and finally fell asleep due to exhaustion. Violet grabbed a blanket and gently tossed it around her father’s shoulders. He looked so peaceful sleeping in that rather uncomfortable position, his face still worn a frown that showed how troubled he was. Violet frowned at this. Her father was a troubled man, she was well aware of that. But she didn’t know why. He would never explain his feelings to her. He would always dismiss her concerns explaining that his demons were too strong for her to understand. She understood that he was protecting her but she felt that she didn't need protecting anymore. She was fourteen now, she could handle the brutal truths about the world. But no matter how hard she tried to explain this to her father, he disagreed. Violet quietly grabbed his documents that were placed around his head. Her father had a habit of drooling when he was in a deep sleep and she didn’t want him to ruin his documents. She stacked them into a small pile and placed them into the corner of his desk. 

She wanted to do something nice for her father. She decided she’d make him breakfast. How hard could it be? He made her breakfast a lot and it seemed simple. She looked around the pantry and fridge trying to decide what she should make him. After several minutes, she decided to make her father a small buffet for breakfast. She set the loaf of bread next to her invention, grabbed the eggs set them on the counter, and finally grabbed the box of pancake mix. Reading over the instructions on the box, she began to pour the mix and water into a bowl. She grabbed a container of raspberries she planned to sprinkle on top. She looked back at her father, he was still asleep. He was snoring and drooling on his desk which made her laugh. She placed another pan on the stovetop and began to crack the eggs. _ This is super simple. _She thought to herself as everything so far was going smoothly. Her pancakes were on the skillet, her eggs were on the pan, and now she knelt down to her invention and placed two pieces of toast inside. Violet turned her invention on and walked away from it to focus again on the pancakes and eggs.

After she flipped the pancakes, she checked on the eggs. Everything was still running smoothly. She knelt back down to her invention and noticed that the first two pieces of toast hadn’t popped up yet. It was a bit odd, she assumed the right amount of time passed but maybe she miscalculated it. She examined her invention and noticed that once again the hand on the grandfather clock had fallen behind five minutes. Same issue as the other day. Violet recalled that the toaster part of her invention successfully worked. She tried to manually release the toast, using the button labeled ‘cancel’, but it didn’t work. “Fuck,” she muttered under her breath. She looked to her father, who was still in his deep sleep. She debated waking him up but decided against it because she still wanted to surprise him with breakfast. She put her hand over the toaster to see if she can feel any heat coming from it. She could feel the heat from the toaster getting more intense. She quickly tied her hair up using her ribbon. She could fix it. She could fix anything. 

She was taken out of her train of thoughts when she smelt smoke. She looked at the toaster confused. There was no smoke coming out...so what could be- “Fuck!” she said in an annoyed tone and stood up and raced to the skillet. All of the pancakes were starting to burn on one side and the eggs were sizzling from being overcooked. “No... Goddammit,” she muttered, turning off the stove. She forlornly looked at the pancakes. None of them were salvageable. She flipped each one over to see the damage and it was clear that each of them was burnt on one side. She felt a few tears fall from her eyes, she quickly wiped them. She was just trying to do something nice for her dad, that’s all. She just wanted to surprise him with a nice breakfast. 

Violet was once again taken out of her train of thought by a noise coming from her invention. “Fuck!” she yelled when she turned around to notice that grey smoke was coming from it. 

Lemony’s nose wrinkled at the scent that was slowly filling their home. He was muttering something in his sleep. Violet couldn’t hear him because she was too busy trying to find something to stop her invention from burning down their apartment. “Smoke…why do I…?” Lemony said with his eyes still closed. “...I smell smoke…” His eyes shot open when he realized that he indeed smelt smoke in his home. “I won’t let you take her!” He yelled still half asleep. He jumped up hitting his knees on his desk. Quickly he looked around the room for his daughter, who was standing in front of her invention with her hands in her hair looking panicked and worried. _ Oh, thank God! She’s still here. They didn’t take her. _He thought to himself before realizing that the source of the smoke was her invention. 

He quickly rushed to the pantry and grabbed some baking soda and salt. He quickly poured the contents of both containers on to the toaster and he watched in relief as the tiny flames that were once visible began to disappear. He reached out and grabbed the crying Violet and locked her into a bear hug. “It’s okay…Everything is okay.” He said to her rubbing her back and beginning to cry himself. He sighed a heavy sigh of relief. He thought that VFD had finally found him and realized he had a daughter. He thought that his enemies had found them and were ready to set him ablaze either not knowing or not caring that he had a fourteen-year-old daughter. He tightened his grip on her, refusing to let her go. He couldn’t help but wonder if his decision to trust Jacquelyn and Gustav was a good one. What if they followed him home? What if they did research and realized that Beatrice had three children and not two? What if they learn about Violet and tell VFD that there is a fourth Snicket? VFD loves new recruits and they especially love Snickets, although if you asked VFD how they felt about the Snickets, they would tell you that Snickets were troublesome but loyal. They would jump at the chance to recruit Violet, her inventing skills alone would have mentors fighting over her to be their apprentice. “You’re fine. I’m right here, Vi.” he said, “Mr. Lemons is right here.” 

Violet nodded as she still cried hugging her father tighter. She was trying to do something nice for him and nearly killed them both. Her invention had failed her worse than the day before. “I’m sorry,” she muttered. 

He shook his head, “There’s no need to be sorry. As long as you’re not hurt then everything is…” Lemony got cut off by the skillet beginning to produce smoke. 

“Fuck!” Violet muttered as Lemony raced over and unplugged the skillet and putting each black, charred pancake on a plate so they were no longer on the hot surface of the skillet. He looked around the kitchen realizing what Violet had attempted to do. Violet started crying again as Lemony looked over each pancake. They were completely unsalvageable. He smiled at his daughter who was untying her hair and wiping her tears from her eyes.

“It’s the thought that counts,” he said after a minute of silence as Violet stared unhappily at her invention. She just nodded, not saying anything. “I do appreciate the gesture, Vi. You want me to make us some waffles? French toast?” 

She shook her head, “I’m not hungry anymore.” 

He frowned as he began to clean up the burnt breakfast. “Very well. Do you want a cup of coffee? Some tea?” 

She shook her head again. “No, thank you.” 

Lemony opened a few windows to help air out the place and Violet only stared at him in silence like she was concentrating on something. “Penny for your thoughts?” He commented.

“Well, I keep thinking about what you yelled out when you woke up…”

Lemony froze. _ Shit. _he thought trying to remember what he had yelled out when he was still half asleep. “What are you talking about?”

“You said… ‘I won’t let you take her!’” Violet replied. “What did you mean by that?” 

“I was in the middle of a nightmare...I guess when I woke up, I just blurted out whatever was on my mind...which was my nightmare.” He lied hoping that what he had just said made more sense to her than it did to him.

Violet nodded. “Oh.” But that inquisitive look on her face didn’t leave. She simply kept staring at him. 

“Well, I have to get to work,” He said after a minute. 

“You’re leaving?” 

“This investigation won’t solve itself.”

“I know...I just thought…”

“What?”

She shook her head, “Nothing…” 

He frowned at her but didn’t say anything else. “Just...be careful while I’m gone. Don’t answer the door to anyone. I mean anyone.”

She nodded.

“I love you, Violet.”

“Love you too, Mr. Lemons.”


	11. The One With Child Protective Services

** _Chapter Ten:_ **

_ The One With Child Protective Services _

Lemony felt bad about leaving Violet. But she was unharmed and she was asking too many difficult questions. He hated lying to her, so he found it better to simply ignore the subject altogether. He knew she was probably shaken up by the whole ordeal this morning but he knew she was a strong girl, she was stronger than he was at times. She got that from Beatrice. He frowned thinking of Beatrice. She was so young, she didn’t deserve to die for _ his _ mistakes and decisions. But that’s what VFD does to you. They take you, they ‘train’ you, they change you. They make you walk the tightrope of morality, telling you that no matter how wicked the deed is, if you are doing it for a noble cause, then it’s alright. But it wasn’t alright. It wasn’t alright then and it definitely wasn’t alright now. The two biggest mistakes of his life have resulted in Beatrice and Bertrand’s deaths. He wished that he could go back and stop those things from happening. He wished he could stop VFD from recruiting him or siblings or Beatrice. He wished that he could go back in time and take Beatrice with him. They could have lived the rest of their lives in Staind-by-the-Sea, they could have raised Violet together and maybe even have two more children. He sighed knowing that this was impossible. Even _ if _his brilliant daughter could one day build a time machine, the ramifications of using it and fixing the past were too dire, too dangerous. 

Lemony frowned thinking of all the choices he had made that had landed him to where he is today. _ Would it have been easier had I never been born? _ He thought but then immediately shook his head. _ Don’t think like that. If you were never born, then Violet would have never been born. _ Lemony loved his daughter, but he did often wonder how the world would be if he hadn’t existed. It was a crazy thought, it was a tragic thought, but it was one he thought of a lot in the past thirteen years. The lives he has ruined…, the lives he had _ ended. _The friendships he had ruined and the schism he helped strengthen. All of that would not have happened had he never been born. He honestly believed that before his mistakes, VFD was succeeding in making the world a safer, quieter place. But then he and Beatrice fucked it all up. 

He erased those dark thoughts from his mind for the time being. No matter what he had done to fail his friends, that organization, his siblings, and Beatrice in the past, he was going to fix. He was going to help Beatrice’s kids escape Olaf’s clutches. He had lied to Jacquelyn and Gustav when he had said he had a plan. He honestly didn’t. He had no idea how he was going to prove Olaf to be an unfit guardian, he was telling the truth when he told them he felt like it’d be pretty simple. He hadn’t seen that man in years and that suited him just fine. Lemony felt bad for what he had done, but it didn’t excuse anything that Olaf had done in retaliation. Lemony had a theory revolving around the cause of the Baudelaire fire, and if his investigation proved him to be right. Then Olaf has another thing coming. 

As I am sure you are well aware that even to this day, the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire remains a mystery. No amount of research done by several concerned and curious parties has ever revealed what happened that fateful afternoon. There are several VFD agents who had tried to figure out what happened, which includes my trusted associate and myself, both Mr. Snickets, a brave and noble triplet who has quite the knack for journaling, a brave and noble triplet, whose secret library was very helpful when it came to our research of both the Baudelaire and Snicket case, and even Klaus Baudelaire, whose lost commonplace book helped me find that secret VFD library and whose dedication to figure out how his life was turned upside down was on par with Mr. Lemony Snicket’s. So many great minds had tried desperately to figure out how these unfortunate events started but I’m sorry to report that we may never truly know. Each volunteer had their own theories, I, myself, have my own theory but that is all they are. Theories that can’t be backed up entirely with undeniable evidence. It is a hope of mine to figure out what caused the fire, because if I ever do find Klaus and his siblings I would be more than happy to share with them my findings and put their minds at ease. 

During his drive to the address, Jacquelyn had given him, Lemony pondered what his course of action would be. He packed his disguise kit in the trunk of the taxi and he had his spyglass with him in his pocket. But what was he to do? Lemony knew that he had to find a way to get the two Baudelaire orphans out of what he assumed were dreadful, unfortunate circumstances, and perhaps, help them solve the mystery of how they ended up in them. He did not care what kind of dangers it would put him in. He had to right his wrongs. He knew that trouble and strife could cover this world like the dark of night, or like smoke from a suspicious fire. He also knew that when that happened, all good, true, and decent people know that it’s time to volunteer. That’s exactly what he had done. If no one else from the organization was going to save these kids, he volunteered to do so. 

The drive to Olaf’s wasn’t as long as he had hoped. It made him nervous knowing that Olaf resided in the same city as his daughter. _ How was I living in the same city as Beatrice and Olaf without knowing? _It was true, Lemony and Violet moved a lot but they usually stayed in the same city. He had fantasized about taking Violet away from the city and to Staind-by-the-Sea but there were too many people who knew him there and too many memories that he rather leave in his past. He had several friends and associates there that he trusted for the most part. He just never went because then they would know about Violet and he couldn’t risk putting her in danger. He parked his taxi a few blocks down the road so that it wouldn’t seem too suspicious. He knew Olaf knew that Snickets liked to travel via taxi. That was the worst part about having an enemy that knew you...they know all of your tricks. The same could be said the other way around, he knew all of Olaf’s tricks. They had been trained by the same organization after all. 

Lemony grabbed the disguise kit from the trunk and brought it to the back seat of the taxi, he looked over all the materials trying to decide what to use for his disguise. For once he wasn’t wearing a suit, he thought that would help Olaf recognize him. He had decided to wear plain clothes, a simple T-shirt and some blue jeans. He had a baseball hat to cover up his hair. He debated whether or not to wear one of the wigs from the kit. _ Maybe with long hair, I could look like a stoner? _ He pondered and then rolled his eyes. He hadn’t done this sort of thing in years and he was getting frustrated. _ Maybe I could pretend to be Child Protective Services, there to do a wellness check. _ Jacquelyn _ did _ inform him that the two orphans had come into Mulctuary Money Management to discuss something with Mr. Poe. She even noted that Klaus had a bruise on his cheek. Lemony got a bit heated. _ That fucker hit Beatrice’s son. _ He took a deep breath and tried his best to calm down. _ These children didn’t do anything to him. If he was still bitter and angry, he shouldn’t take his anger out on the children. It’s not their fault, that he and their mother had done Olaf wrong. _ He frowned. He knew that Olaf would rather have gotten his revenge on Beatrice, Bertrand, and himself but seeing that Olaf thought Lemony was dead and the Baudelaire parents were, in fact, dead, Olaf had no one else to exact his revenge on. Lemony wasn’t condoning this way of thinking, but he knew Olaf wouldn’t care. _ They would pay for the sins of their parents, one way or another. _He thought, frowning then thinking about Violet. She was lucky in this sense. She was safe. With Lemony presumed dead and not many people even aware of her existence, Olaf had no reason to go after her. 

Lemony began to disguise his face, he put a fake mustache on his upper lip and put a pair of sunglasses over his eyes. He took off his hat and secured a blonde wig onto his head. He sat there thinking about a fake name. He couldn’t use any of the interchangeable aliases he had been using for some time now. Too suspicious. There had to be paper trails pertaining to each of his aliases somewhere. He had to come up with something on the spot. He decided that he’d think of something on his way there. He grabbed an empty briefcase from the trunk. He looked at himself in the reflection of the taxi’s windows. He felt as though this wasn’t enough. But it’ll have to do. Both his hair and mustache were blonde, his dark eyebrows were hidden behind the large sunglasses. He was dressed in less than professional clothes, but he’d figure away around that. He hoped the briefcase helped make him look professional.

He took a deep breath. He threw the disguise kit back into the trunk of the taxi and closed the trunk door. He began walking towards what he assumed to be Olaf’s house. The yard was atrocious and the house was grey and dark as if Olaf had stolen all of its color and light. His heart was pounding heavily in his chest as he knocked on the door. He took a quick mental note to not define any words or phrases, that would be a big giveaway to his identity.

A few moments later, Count Olaf answered the door and glared at the man that stood before him. Lemony held his breath unsure if Olaf recognized him or not. “Aren’t you a little old to be a Boy Scout?” he asked. Lemony held in a gag as the putrid smell of Olaf’s breath found its way into his nostrils. He could tell by Olaf’s eyes and his breath that he had been drinking. 

“Good afternoon, sir. The names Joseph Swanson.” Lemony said in a rather thick New York-esque accent. “But you can call me ‘Joe’.” He extended his empty hand out to shake Olaf’s. Olaf continued to glare at the man making Lemony more nervous by the second.

“...Good afternoon, Joe.” Olaf said after a minute shaking the nervous man’s hand. “May I ask what you are doing here at my door?”

“I am from Child Protective Services and I am here to do a wellness check on...Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. We’ve received a few calls and they sent me down to check on this whole matter.” 

Lemony watched as Olaf’s face went from tired to angry to calm in ten seconds flat. “Well, of course!” Olaf said in an enthusiastic voice, “May I ask who called you?” 

“I’m sorry, sir. We aren’t allowed to give out names of concerned parties.” 

“Of course not.” He replied in a rather annoyed tone. “None the less, the children are sleeping. Would it be alright if you wait outside while I go fetch them.” 

“Very well. I’ll be right here.” Lemony replied.

“Lovely. Be right back.” Olaf said closing the door and locking it behind him. He gave a low growl as he headed up the stairs. He grabbed the walkie-talkie, “Bring the baby down.” he said into it. 

The bald man replied, “What? Why?” 

“Just fucking do it! Tell that brat to be on her _ best _behavior.” Olaf hissed into the walkie-talkie. “And make sure she looks unharmed.” 

He reached the attic bedroom and tried to open the door. But something was blocking his way. He rolled his eyes and began to knock on the door. No answer. He gave an angry sigh as he continued to pound on the door. “Orphan, you better let me in!” He called into the room. Still no answer. 

Part of Olaf wondered if Klaus had died last night. That would be rather unfortunate timing. He had to produce both children to this nosey CPS agent. He tried knocking on the door again and furiously began turning the handle. After trying that for a couple of minutes, Olaf began to twist the knob of the door and pushed all his weight against the door. Eventually, the door began to slowly open, Olaf could now see that Klaus had barricaded the door with the bed that he was now asleep on. “Wake up, orphan.” he hissed in Klaus’ ear. Still nothing. He looked at the sleeping boy, he was breathing so he was indeed alive. Olaf looked around at the room and examined the mess. There was no way he was allowing any CPS caseworker into _ this _room. Whatever Klaus had done to patch himself up, had worked but it created a big, bloody mess. He’d make Klaus clean this room later when the caseworker left. 

Olaf pushed Klaus off the bed, which jolted the poor boy awake. His vision was blurry but he could see the silhouette of Olaf standing over him. Klaus began to tremble. “Please...leave me alone. Haven’t you done enough?” he asked his voice groggy and weak. 

“Get your lazy ass up. We have a visitor.” 

“A visitor?” Klaus asked confused. _ Was Justice Strauss visiting the children to see if they were alright since her last conversation with Count Olaf? Did Mr. Poe think things through and realize that he might need to check on the children after all. _

“Yes, a visitor.” Olaf hissed. “Apparently, _ someone _had called CPS.” 

Klaus was both excited and terrified at this. He was excited because maybe he and Sunny were going to be rescued and taken away from this Hell hole, but he was terrified at Olaf’s implications. _ Did Olaf think he’d be stupid enough to call CPS? _He looked into the eyes of his guardian and immediately realized that this was the case. Olaf was glaring down at Klaus with his shiny eyes as if he wanted to set Klaus ablaze. Klaus shuddered and began to slowly crawl away from Olaf. 

“I...I...I swear...I didn’t call them,” Klaus commented.

“I didn’t say you did. Why are you acting guilty?” Olaf asked his voice rising.

“I-I-I’m not. I just...I didn’t call them.” Klaus could feel the tears beginning to fall from his face.

“Then _ who _did?” 

“I...I...I don’t know. Justice Strauss? Mr. Poe?” 

Olaf growled and then sighed. He took a deep breath. “Stop crying. I need you to look happy and healthy...and unharmed. We can discuss who called them later. But right now, I need you to be a good little orphan and go play the part. You will not only tell him that you are happy here, but you will tell them how great I am and how much you love living here with me. And Klaus, you better make him believe you. You will explain to him that this is a big misunderstanding and that you are sorry for wasting everyone’s time. _Do you understand?” _

Klaus simply nodded. “What about Sunny?” 

“Unfortunately for me, I have to let her out of her cage...but she will go right back in the second that he’s gone.” 

Klaus frowned at this. He wanted to bargain with Olaf but he was too frightened. Olaf had the upper hand. He now knew how psychotic and abusive Olaf can truly be and he didn’t want to experience that ever again. 

“Now get dressed. Make sure that your wounds are completely covered.” Olaf said walking back downstairs. Klaus hurriedly got dressed as fast as his aching body allowed him. _ For Sunny! _He reminded himself. He tried his best to walk downstairs in a normal fashion. 

Olaf was already downstairs with the CPS caseworker. Olaf was holding Sunny in his lap and Sunny looked frightened. She just sat there and played the part of an unharmed infant. It made Klaus sick that Olaf was making Sunny play the part, too. Klaus sat down next to Olaf across the table from the caseworker. 

Klaus noticed that the caseworker was frowning at him and Sunny. He didn’t understand why. Nothing was said yet. He shrugged it off, maybe the reality of seeing children in abusive situations with limited power made the man depressed. Klaus doubted that any CPS caseworker can save every child whose case file happened to land on their desk. Like in this situation, Klaus was nearly positive that this man was going to be unable to save himself and his baby sister. 

“The name’s Joe Swanson. You must be Klaus.” the man said in his New York-esque accent. Klaus nodded and put on a smile. It wasn’t genuine but it was the best he could do in his current state of mind. 

“How do you do?” Klaus asked.

“Very well and you?” 

Klaus looked to Sunny and then to the caseworker. “...We’re doing fine. Just trying to get settled in after the loss of our parents.” 

“Ah, yes. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I read about it in the paper.” the man said and his frown extended which confused Klaus and Sunny. “Now...I notice that you have a bruise on your face, Klaus. Can you tell me how that happened.” 

Klaus’ heart started beating heavily in his chest. He was unsure of what to say. He knew for a fact that he and Sunny had not called CPS. He didn’t know if Mr. Poe or Justice Strauss had but who else would have? And if one of them called, they probably already told this man that Klaus had told them that Count Olaf struck him across the face. So he feared that if he told this man another story, that he would immediately know Klaus is lying. But he doubted Olaf wanted him to tell the man that he was struck across the face.

After a minute of contemplating a response. Klaus shrugged his shoulder slowly. “I fell,” he muttered. 

“You fell?” 

“I’m very clumsy. Ask anybody who knows me.” 

Lemony frowned. He knew this was a bullshit lie. But he knew Klaus had a good reason to lie. Olaf was holding Sunny, so he probably is using Sunny as leverage against Klaus. Lemony wanted so badly to kill this man, but he knew it was better if he did this legally. 

“Can you explain in detail, how you acquired the bruise?” 

Klaus sighed. _ Couldn’t this man just take his bullshit lie as a legit answer and move on. _ Klaus looked again to Sunny, who frowned at him. Klaus couldn’t tell if it was a frown of sadness or disappointment. Was Sunny disappointed in him that he was lying to cover for Olaf? Didn’t she realize that he was only doing this to keep her safe? Maybe this wasn’t keeping her safe. Maybe this was keeping her in danger. What would lying do? It would keep them here at Olaf’s. Who knows when their next chance to escape would be? Klaus bit his lip. Olaf softly cleared his throat as if to tell Klaus to hurry up with a response. “...I think I was...running and I slipped on one of the rugs upstairs and I fell...hitting my cheek on one of the stairs. But it's fine...I’m fine.” Klaus said after another moment of eerie silence refusing to look over at his baby sister. _For Sunny! _ He thought holding back tears because he felt like he was letting Sunny and his dead parents down. 

Lemony frowned at this response too. This wasn’t going to be easy. He needed to find reasonable cause to take the children out of this man’s house and Klaus wasn’t making this easy for him. He wasn’t mad at the boy, he understood exactly why Klaus was lying to him. In his golden days, both his siblings did anything they could to protect him as he did for them. He remembered working with Jacques to scare off many potential boyfriends that Kit acquired. He remembered Jacques and Kit offering to kick some schoolyard bully’s ass when he was seven. It’s what siblings do. They protect each other. Lemony was the youngest in his family, so he didn’t know what it was like to have a younger sibling to desperately want to protect. But he did have a daughter and although it wasn’t the same exact thing, it was vastly similar. So as he continued to ask question after question, listening to Klaus come up with decent answers that unfortunately, did not warrant suspicion. He eventually had to stop the interview. Lemony’s heart was heavy in his chest when he stood up and shook both Klaus’ and Olaf’s hands one final time. He wanted to break down crying. He wanted to let all of his anger loose on this vile man that stood before him. But he knew he shouldn’t. After mentioning to Olaf that he should really start taking better care of his house because there were many safety hazards for children. He bid the three good-bye. Slowly walking back to his taxi making sure that no one was following him. When he reached the taxi, he kicked the tire trying to release some of his pent up anger. He felt as though he failed those kids. He felt like he failed Beatrice. 

He could feel his hot tears rolling down his face as he threw the briefcase into the passenger seat of the taxi. _ If the roles were reversed, Beatrice would have figured out how to save those kids. _ He thought. He believed this whole-heartedly. If these children had been his and he had been the one to die in a fire, Beatrice would have had these kids rescued by day one. Yeah, she might not have done it in the most legal way possible, but she would not have failed Lemony or those kids. Beatrice had never failed Lemony. _ Ever. _

Hell, even Jacques or Kit would have been able to save them. Maybe Jacquelyn and Gustav were right. Maybe it would be beneficial to get his siblings’ help. Kit was brave and she rarely ever turned down a mission, no matter how much danger it put her in. Jacques was the same way, although he preferred to do things as ethical as possible. He wanted so badly to talk to them again, to see them again, to work alongside them again. But he knew it was an impossible feat. The Snickets were safer apart. He didn’t remember much about his parents, but Jacques told him when they were much younger that their parents had a saying, “Snickets take care of their own.” It was a saying that all three Snickets had adopted from their parents, it was what the other two would say when they were helping out the one in need. It was something he has said to Violet on a few occasions when he thought it was necessary. It was also the reason why he kept deciding to leave them out of this mess. “Snickets take care of their own”, to Lemony, this was a phrase which meant, “Keeping his siblings in the dark so he can keep them out of harm’s way.” 

I wish I could go back in time and explain to Lemony how it did not matter if _ he _involved his siblings because they would eventually both be involved in the tale of their niece and her half-siblings. I wish I could go back in time and tell Lemony that it would probably be better if he had involved his siblings this early on in the story. Maybe things would have turned out different. Maybe things could have been better. Of course, I have no true way of knowing this. For all I know, him involving them sooner could have, in fact, made everything worse. I do want to believe that if he had involved them, then the three Snicket siblings could have all died a bit happier, without the need of having to reminisce about the good old days when they went on secret missions together. But the sad fact remains that the Snicket siblings would remain estranged from one another for the rest of their sorry days. I hate to tell you this, but that’s just how the story goes. 

Lemony sat in his taxi crying wondering what on Earth he could do next.

_________________________________________________________________

Once the caseworker had left, Olaf locked the door and glared at Klaus. “See, was that so hard?” 

Klaus ignored him and kept looking at Sunny, who was still being carried by Olaf. 

“You’re a decent little actor. Obviously, some of my talents have rubbed off on you.” Olaf commented. Klaus wanted so badly to roll his eyes but he knew better. He could hear Olaf’s threat in the back of his mind. He wasn’t going to do anything that would even remotely piss the rat bastard off. 

Olaf began to walk towards the tower room still holding Sunny, who began to cry, realizing where Olaf was heading. Klaus shakingly followed. “Can...can I please have my baby sister back?” Klaus asked. Olaf ignored the young boy’s question and kept walking. “Please...we’ll behave.” 

Olaf turned around to face Klaus, who flinched at Olaf’s sudden movement. “You may have aced that interview, but I am still very curious as to _ who _called them in the first place. So until you are man enough to tell me the truth and accept your punishment, you may not have this feral brat back.” 

“I already told you. I didn’t call them.” 

“Then who did?”

“How would I know? I...I...I just know I hadn’t.”

“I might have a youthful glow, but I wasn’t born yesterday, orphan,” Olaf commented as they reached the tower room door. Olaf knocked on the door and the bald man answered. “Put the baby back in her cage until further notice.” He said handing Sunny over to the bald man. The bald man nodded, closing and locking the door behind him. 

Klaus looked past Olaf and frowned at the tower room door. “Sunny…” he whimpered.

“Oh, she’ll be fine.” Olaf hissed in his ear. “I'd be more worried about yourself.”

Klaus began to shake rapidly. His eyes got wide with fear and panic. He started to breathe heavily. “W-w-when would I have had time to call them?” Tears were already falling from his face. 

Olaf studied the boy for a moment. He narrowed his eyes towards the boy in heavy suspicion. “_ You _ may not have called them, but you running off to tell that naive judge and the useless banker was a _ very foolish decision. _”

Klaus started breathing heavily. “I...I...know. It won’t happen again.”

Olaf leaned in towards Klaus, resulting in Klaus closing his eyes in fear. “Oh, I know it won’t happen again. Because you aren’t allowed out of this house _ever! _” Olaf smiled a wicked smile when Klaus nodded. “Now get out of my face, orphan,” he said pushing passed Klaus, who stumbled down a few steps only to catch his balance. 


	12. The One With the Vigorously Fixed Destination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE MADE IT TO THE END OF THE BAD BEGINNING Y'ALL. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your guys' support through these first twelve chapters of my fic. I really appreciate it! Love you guys! Hope y'all love The Reptile Room.

** _Chapter Eleven:_ **

_ The One With the Vigorously Fixed Destination _

Lemony sat miserably in his taxi for the next couple of hours. Debating what to do next. He couldn’t leave them there. That was not an option.  _ What would Beatrice do?  _ He kept asking himself as he toyed with his spyglass. 

_ What’s the use?  _ He asked himself. Then without warning, the passenger-side door of the taxi opened and a woman sat down. She turned to Lemony and smiled. Lemony had his hand on his chest. “What the fuck, Jacquelyn!”

Jacquelyn just laughed. “Did I scare you?”

Lemony rolled his eyes, “I swear you and my…” He stopped mid-sentence. Jacquelyn looked at him confused. 

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing. Nothing. I swear you’re trying to give me a fucking heart attack.” 

“Uh...huh,” Jacquelyn replied still looking at Lemony with a confused and concerned look on her face. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You don’t just get inside someone’s damn taxi unannounced especially when a known enemy is literally down the street!” 

“I could kick his ass with both hands tied behind my back, just saying. He’s not as big of a threat as you might think.”

“He doesn’t have a reason to go after you.”

“You right. Not yet at least. I’ll probably foil his plans enough that I eventually do get on that list, though.” She peered to the back of the taxi, “So...I’m guessing you  _ didn’t  _ save the Baudelaire children.”

Lemony rolled his eyes. “It’s...a bit harder than I thought.”

Jacquelyn rolled her eyes. “You’re not doing this right. You’re out of practice old man.”

Jacquelyn got out her spyglass and started to peer at Count Olaf’s house. “Let me guess. You disguised yourself as a...cop...no, a child protective services agent. Then you went in, conducted an interview,- let me know if I’m wrong.- Then you hoped the boy would give you any reason to take them from the home, but alas, he didn’t because Olaf was posing as a threat but not in a way where you could use that against him and take the children out of the house.”

Lemony just glared at Jacquelyn. “How…” 

“I just know these things.” 

“Have you been spying on me?”

“...that’s confidential,” she replied smirking.

“I’m being serious. Have you been spying on me?”

“I didn’t follow you home if that’s what you’re worried about. I saw your taxi as I was scoping the place. I also saw you crying…” 

“I wasn’t crying…”

“Sure, you weren’t. So then I decided that you obviously needed my help.” She said still peering through the spyglass. “You can trust me, Mr. Snicket.”

“You keep giving me reasons to the contrary,” 

“Touche,” 

“How have I given you reason not to trust me?”

“You’re secretive. Like, more than any other member of this organization.” 

“I have my reasons.” 

Jacquelyn didn’t say anything as she handed her spyglass to Lemony with a smile upon her face. “Mr. Snicket, I think I’ve found what you needed.”

Lemony looked at her and then pressed the spyglass to his eye. For a minute, he didn’t know what Jacquelyn was referring to. She reached out and grabbed his chin, moving his face to the direction of what she was trying to show him. “You need to look towards the tower window,” she instructed.

“Dear God,” he muttered. He was looking at a birdcage and inside that birdcage, he could see a helpless and scared Sunny Baudelaire. “That...that fucking monster.” Lemony began to open the car door but Jacquelyn grabbed him. 

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going to save Beatrice’s daughter!”

“Not without a disguise.” 

He looked at her and sighed. She was right. But he couldn’t use the same disguise again, Olaf would get suspicious and possibly ask for credentials. He looked at Jacquelyn. “What are we going to do?”

Jacquelyn was already fixing her hair into a bun. “We’re going to go be concerned neighbors.” 

“Shouldn’t we just call the authorities.”

“I mean, we could. Honestly, we should. But if we did that, they’d want to interview the man who made the call in the first place and I don’t have to tell you how risky that is.”

“Goddammit,” he muttered. “What if we had another neighbor call the police.”

Jacquelyn was not listening to him. She was doing her best to disguise herself with what little she had. Lemony dragged the disguise kit out of the trunk and rummaged through it. After putting a fake beard on he looked at Jacquelyn. “So I’m gonna be Jeff Bingham and you’ll be my wife, Audrey…” he began.

“Woah. Let me stop you there. No offense, but you are not my type.” 

Lemony chuckled at this understanding full well what Jacquelyn had meant. “Well, no offense but you don’t look young enough to be my daughter.” 

Jacquelyn laughed. “Why do our disguises have to be related or married? We can’t just be friends.”

“I guess that works, I was just coming up with a backstory in case we get asked.”

“I don’t know how they did things back in your day, but nowadays we try to make it a bit less complicated.”

“Sure. It’s VFD. Everything is complicated. That’s like their gimmick.”

Lemony and Jacquelyn got out of the car and scanned the area for any potential neighbors who would be able to help them with this predicament. Every so often Lemony looked back at the birdcage making sure that it was still there and hadn’t been plunged to the ground. They finally reached the yard of Justice Strauss who was watering her garden. She politely looked up at the two strangers. “Well, how do you do?” 

“How do you do, mam?” Lemony replied. “We were just in the neighborhood…”

“...Birdwatching with the help of these,” Jacquelyn commented.

“And we saw something quite unusual.”

Justice Strauss looked at the two strangers confused. “What did you see?”

Jacquelyn stepped behind the judge and put the spyglass up to her eye, pointing her in the direction of Count Olaf’s tower room window. Strauss gasped in surprise. “Oh my! Sunny!” she yelled. “We have to do something!” She yelled before rushing in to call 9-1-1. 

“Well, our work here is done,” Lemony said smiling. 

“I’m going to call Gustav and stick around to make sure everything goes smoothly.” 

Lemony extended his hand, “Thank you. Miss Jacquelyn.” 

“You’re not going to stay and make sure things go according to plan?”

“Oh, I’m gonna wait in my taxi and see things through. Would you like a ride home?”

Jacquelyn shook her head. “No thank you, I’ll manage.” 

“It was nice working with you....keep in touch.”

“Does this mean you’ve officially rejoined VFD?”

“I’ll have to think about that.” 

Lemony began to walk towards his taxi. He hated to admit it but he missed VFD. He missed the thrills of a mission and being in disguise and he had a good time working alongside Jacquelyn and fooling Olaf. But a part of him knew that it was a risky business being affiliated with that organization. What would happen to Violet if they learned about her existence? He sat inside his taxi and waiting for this story to conclude.

Jacquelyn used her walkie-talkie to contact Gustav to meet her at Olaf’s house and she even gave Justice Strauss the number to Mr. Poe’s office. 

______________________________________________________________

Klaus was under the watchful eyes of either Count Olaf or one of his troupe members. Olaf refused to let the boy out of his sight after that stint with the CPS caseworker and his attempted rescue of his baby sister. Count Olaf also did not care that Klaus was in a lot of pain from the night prior. He had Klaus doing as many extraneous chores. Right now Klaus was scrubbing Olaf’s bathroom with a toothbrush. The stench of the room had Klaus wanting to simply drop dead. He was almost finished with the room when Olaf came in and kicked the bucket of dirty water everywhere, laughing as he looked down at Klaus. “Looks like you have to start all over again.”

Klaus took a deep breath but bit his tongue. He had to just put up with this abuse for Sunny. The sooner he can fool Olaf into thinking that he’s complacent, the sooner he can get Sunny back and then the two orphans would run away from the madman’s house. “I’ll get right on that,” he said. 

Both Count Olaf and Klaus jumped at the sound of someone pounding on the front door. “Who could that be!?” Olaf asked in a harsh voice that sent chills down Klaus’ spine.

Downstairs you can hear the sounds of Olaf’s troupe freaking out. “Ummm, boss.” one of the white-faced women called up. 

“What? Who’s at the door?” Count Olaf asked heading towards his bedroom window.

“The police!” the henchperson of indeterminate gender replied. 

Count Olaf’s eyes got wide and as he began to stare down at Klaus, his eyes began to shine the brightest Klaus had ever seen. Klaus shakingly stood up looking for an escape route. But Olaf was blocking the bathroom door. “Do you want to explain to me  _ why the fucking police are at my door?!”  _

Klaus could see that Olaf was shaking with fury which made him retreat a step back. Klaus kept his eyes on the walkie-talkie that Olaf kept in his pocket. 

“Boss, we gotta go.” the other white face woman commented. “Like, right now.”

“You three, grab Baldy and Hooky. Take the car.”

“What about you?” The henchperson of indeterminate gender asked.

“Oh, don’t worry about me. I’ve gotten out of worse scrapes than this.” Olaf said. “ _ Oh, and on your way out, tell Hooky to drop the pipsqueak to her death _ .” 

“ ** _No! Please!” _ ** Klaus pleaded. 

The Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender merely nodded at Olaf and began to walk away.

“You monster!” Klaus yelled. “You can’t kill her. The police are outside! You’re just giving them more reason to arrest you.”

Olaf leaned down towards Klaus and smiled. “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about the police. They’ll be too concerned about the dead infant  that they won’t even realize that I’m gone. Although by the time that they do finally realize that I'm gone, they're going to wonder about the _missing boy._” 

Klaus’ eyes got wide. He knew he had to act now. Give the authorities more time. So with all the strength, he could muster, he ran passed Olaf effectively pushing the man down on to the floor. Klaus ran outside the vile man’s room closing the door behind him, hoping that that gave him extra time to run. He headed towards the staircase that led to Olaf’s tower room. He saw the Hook-Handed Man and the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender heading frantically downstairs to reach Olaf’s car. His heart sank. He hoped he wasn’t too late as he grabbed onto the doorknob of the tower room, he felt a cold, spider-like hand grab his ankle and pull him to the ground. Klaus hit his jaw on the wooden floors and looked in horror to see Count Olaf was the one holding on to his ankle.

“If you think this is over, you’re dead wrong. It’s been fun... _ I’m going to get you no matter where you go! No matter what you do! I will find you! Oooh, you are so deceased!”  _ Olaf hissed as Klaus. Klaus started rapidly kicking both his feet trying to get Olaf to let him go. “ _ I’ll get my hands on your fortune if it’s the last thing I do! And when I have it, I’ll kill you and your bratty sister with my own two hands!”  _

Klaus turned to face Olaf so he can aim better. “ _ You’ll never touch our fortune or harm my sister ever again!”  _ He cried as he gave Olaf a hard kick in the face. Olaf let go of Klaus’ ankle and Klaus was able to drag himself back up and lock himself in the tower room. Olaf banged on the door for a few seconds until both the young orphaned boy and the vile man heard a shout from downstairs, “Police!” one of the voices yelled followed by the front door slamming open. Olaf growled but decided it was better for himself to escape. 

Once he was sure Olaf wasn’t trying to enter the tower room anymore, Klaus turned towards the window and for the first time during his stay with that greedy, violent monster, he began to cry tears of joy as he saw his sister still in the cage waving at him with an unsure smile. 

“Sunny!” he yelled reeling in the birdcage and reaching his hands in there to try to hug her through the bars.

“Klaus!” Sunny cried back, putting her small hands around his arms. 

“Sunny, where’s the key to the lock. Please tell me they left it.” Klaus said as he placed the birdcage holding his baby sister safely on the ground. 

“Ocuclav!” Sunny shrieked pointing to a key on a nearby desk, this probably was her way of saying, “The key-shaped like an eye.”

Klaus hurried grabbed the key and unlocked the birdcage, pulling his baby sister out of it. He held on to her so tight, which was honestly hurting them both.

“Etiam,” Sunny said softly, which meant, “Klaus, you’re hugging me too tight.”

Klaus looked down at his baby sister and she could see he was still crying. “It’s all okay, now. It’s all okay.” 

“Baudelaires!” a voice from behind the door called out. “Baudelaires! Are you in there!” 

“Justice Strauss?” Klaus called out happily. 

“Yes. Children, it’s me and Mr. Poe.” 

The children could hear the usual fit of coughing that came from Poe and rolled their eyes. Klaus still holding Sunny stood up and opened the door.

“Did they catch him?” He asked.

“Unfortunately, no. We did see a long black car leaving the scene. So the authorities are going to be on the lookout for that.” Mr. Poe said.

“But...but….there’s no way, he would’ve escaped in time,” Klaus said. “Mr. Poe, you have to go after him.”

“Children. Let the authorities track down Count Olaf.” Justice Strauss said. “Come live with me. I can keep you safe.”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and smiled.

“Do you mean that? You really want us to live with you, Justice Strauss?”

Justice Strauss nodded. “Of course I mean it! I am very fond of you two lovely children, and I feel responsible for your welfare.” 

“Now. Now. Wait here.” Mr. Poe started as he began to cough into his handkerchief. “I cannot let the Baudelaires be raised by someone who isn’t a relative.”

“Fucker!” Sunny yelled at Mr. Poe.

While Klaus looked at him angrily. “What are you talking about? Justice Strauss would be an appropriate guardian for Sunny and me.”

“That may be so. But your parents’ will is very specific…” Mr. Poe began before being interrupted by a strange auburn hair woman, accompanied by a man around her age.

“It is so specific, in fact, that your uncle, Dr. Montgomery, was designated by your parents as their legal guardian and has been waiting to hear from Mr. Poe.” the woman said.

“Dr. Montgomery? I’ve never heard of him.” Klaus remarked.

“Jacquelyn, what are you doing here?” Mr. Poe asked confused.

“This man is Dr. Montgomery’s assistant, Gustav, who was sent here by Dr. Montgomery to inquire about when the children would arrive,” she replied.

Gustav simply nodded and gave both Baudelaires a small smile. “It’s lovely to make your acquaintance, children.” 

Klaus and Sunny looked from the adults to Justice Strauss, who looked like she was about to cry. She smiled at each child and first hugged Klaus and then Klaus handed her Sunny, so she too, could get a proper hug from the judge. “Mr. Poe is right,” she said sadly looking down at Sunny and then at Klaus. “He has to respect your parents’ wishes. Don’t you want to do what your parents wanted, children?”

Klaus and Sunny pictured their loving parents and wish more than ever that the fire had never occurred. Never, never had they felt so alone. They wanted very badly to live with this kind and generous woman, but they both knew deep down that it simply could not be done. 

“I guess you’re right, Justice Strauss,” Klaus said finally as Justice Strauss handed him back his baby sister. “We will miss you very much.” 

Justice Strauss wiped tears from her eyes. “I will miss you, too.” 

Klaus frowned and looked to the three other adults. “Are you sure we can’t make an exception?”

Jacquelyn shook her head. “There is a vigorously fixed destination that your parents had in mind for you and it’s not with Count Olaf or Justice Strauss.” 

Justice Strauss gave one big group hug to the two Baudelaire orphans. “Goodbye children. I wish you two the best in life.”

Klaus and Sunny were trying their best to hold back tears. “Thank you, Justice Strauss.”

“Bye-bye,” Sunny said waving at the judge. And with that Justice Strauss walked out of her neighbor's house with tears in her eyes. 

While Mr. Poe and the two other adults continued talking about where the two children were going to stay tonight, Klaus excused himself and Sunny from the conversation and made their way back to their room. He quickly packed up their things as Sunny looked around in confusion at the random first-aid supplies that were thrown across the room and the blood that was stained on Klaus’ shoes.

“Nocere?” she asked as she handed him his shoes, which probably meant, “Did that fucker hurt you?” 

Klaus frowned. “No. When I tried to rescue you, I injured myself and I guess I didn’t notice just how much blood I lost.”

Klaus lied to protect his sister. He didn’t want her to know the demons that would now haunt him. She was too young. She hadn’t even had a childhood, yet. If the authorities ever do catch up with Olaf, he hoped Sunny would forget everything that happened this past week and be able to move on with her life. He didn’t want her to suffer the way he did. If he can shelter her from any extra pain or misery that will befall them, then in a way he is keeping his promise to his parents. He didn’t know what the future held for the two of them and he did not know whether or not Count Olaf would be back. But he did know that he was all she had. He was going to do everything in his power to keep her safe from the treachery of the world. 

________________________________________________________

Lemony watched as the two children piled into Mr. Poe’s car. He was actually smiling. He knew that somehow Olaf got away but he hoped that Olaf wouldn’t be as lucky as he was and would be captured soon. Lemony watched as Mr. Poe drove away with the two Baudelaire children. Lemony, too, did not know what the future held for those two children or himself or his daughter but he did know that he had done good today. He had saved Beatrice’s children from that terrible man. It was a small win, but it was something. Maybe now he could focus solely on figuring out the cause of the fire. 

Before Lemony could start up his taxi, Jacquelyn knocked on his window. He rolled down the window after putting sunglasses on. “You did good, Snicket,” she said smiling.

“Thank you,” he said. “Where’s Gustav?”

“He’s headed back home. Mr. Poe is going to deliver the children to Dr. Montgomery’s in the morning.”

He sighed. “They’re going to be indicted into VFD, aren’t they.”

She bit her lip. “Possibly. That’s up to Monty now. He is aware of Beatrice and Bertrand’s wishes…”

“So there’s a chance that he won’t?”

She shrugged. “VFD is a better option than Olaf.”

“That’s just picking the lesser of two evils.”

She shrugged again. “Sometimes life is like that, Snicket.”

“Well, I’ve done my part. Keep in touch if you ever need anything.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Are you sure you don’t need a ride home.”

“I’m good but thank you. I’m actually going to raid the house see if I can’t find anything important.” 

“Suit yourself,” Lemony said as he drove off.

Lemony drove off in silence thinking that this story was over. I am here to inform that the story has only just begun. I would love to happily type up the words 'the end' but let's be real here, there's another...twelve editions...to this story to go and even The End will not be finished with the phrase 'the end'. This is something Lemony should have seen coming because he, himself, knew that no story has a true beginning or end. They were all woven into one massive story. And each smaller stories are simple interjections from the larger ones. Because the tale of Lemony Snicket does not end here. The tale of Violet Snicket does not end here. And the tale of the two plucky, unfortunate Baudelaire orphans does not end here. 


	13. The One Where the Baudelaires Meet Uncle Monty

** _Chapter Twelve:_ **

_ The One Where The Baudelaires Meet Uncle Monty_

The stretch of road that leads out of the city, past Hazy Harbor and into the town of Tedia, is perhaps the most unpleasant in the world. It is called Lousy Lane. Lousy Lane runs through fields that are a sickly gray color, in which a handful of scraggly trees produce apples so sour that one only has to look at them to feel ill. Lousy Lane also encircled a horseradish factory, so the entire area smells bitter and strong.

I tell you this because this is where the Baudelaire orphans’ story picks up. 

“I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable,” Mr. Poe said after yet another fit of coughing. Klaus thought he was going to go insane if he had to hear this man cough any longer. “But this new car of mine doesn’t fit too many passengers. We couldn’t even fit your suitcase, Klaus. In a week or so, I’ll drive back here and bring them to you.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. Mr. Poe could have in fact fit Klaus’ suitcase if he had listened to Klaus and Sunny’s suggestions of setting it in the passenger seat. But Klaus didn’t care, he stuffed as much as he could into Sunny’s diaper bag. He wasn’t able to fit any of the remaining books from the Baudelaire mansion in the diaper bag after putting some of his clothes in there so he hoped Dr. Montgomery had books that he and Sunny could read. 

“You children must be so tired from everything yesterday.” Mr. Poe commented when neither child spoke to him. 

“Yep,” Klaus replied angrily rolling his eyes. This was an understatement. Both children weren’t simply tired...they were exhausted. In more ways than one. They were physically exhausted, mentally exhausted, and emotionally exhausted. Not that Mr. Poe cared. Hell, not that _ anyone _ cared. The Baudelaire children had a horrible time yesterday. Not only did Count Olaf escape the authorities, but the authorities kept hounding both children, especially Klaus, about the abuse they received by Olaf. Klaus knew that it was their job to _ act _concerned but they weren’t. None of the adults were. The only adult he thought might have cared was Justice Strauss but she had left before the authorities began to interview the children. So there was a part of Klaus that thought that she didn’t even care. Yesterday, the authorities kept wanting to split him and Sunny up so that they can look them over in private but Klaus refused. He didn’t want to be separated from his baby sister, but no one seemed to care. They kept hounding him to hand her over and each time he refused. They would ask him questions about what Olaf did to him and he didn’t say much. He didn’t want to say much. He wanted to be left alone. They weren’t there for him when he needed them what would knowing about it do now? Even Mr. Poe was getting on his nerves yesterday, more than usual. Trying to physically separate the kids by trying to take Sunny from his arms. It was only until his secretary, Jacquelyn, told him to leave them be. Klaus finally allowed the authorities to look Sunny over after they promised that he would be able to hold her. They found a few bruises on Sunny that Klaus hadn’t known about which made Klaus feel a sickening mixture of guilt and rage. He didn’t know whether Olaf had hurt his baby sister or one of his bastard troupe members. The police promised him that it didn’t seem too bad but what did they know? Sunny was an infant, a simple smack or a simple pinch could severely hurt her. When they said that to Klaus, he felt his trust in them decline even more. He didn’t even think that was possible. 

Klaus _ did _explain to the police that Olaf had bruised his cheek and his jaw from different altercations. He mentioned the long list of extraneous chores that Olaf made him and Sunny do as if the two children were his slaves. He mentioned all the death threats and even Olaf’s last threat of returning. He mentioned Olaf’s insane plot of running them over by a train to obtain their fortune and explained why Olaf had decided to put Sunny in a cage. He detailed how long Sunny was in the cage. But he didn’t mention the laceration. Part of him knew that he should...to pile on more evidence against the vile man but another part of him was ashamed that it even happened. He didn’t want to feel weak. He didn’t want people to pity him. He didn’t need pity. He needed their help. Something everyone, even Justice Strauss, failed to give him. What made yesterday worse was that Mr. Poe kept complaining that he was due back at the bank, so he asked if the interviews could be finished at his house. So now his wife knew what happened and no doubt was writing more articles about the children, exploiting them for her horrid newspaper. 

Both Mr. and Mrs. Poe gave Klaus a long-winded lecture about respecting and trusting the authorities which Klaus barely paid attention to. He kept imagining himself killing Olaf while they kept ranting on and on about whatever the fuck they were talking about. It felt like an eternity, though. Since Poe kept stopping every two minutes to cough for what seemed like forever. 

Klaus was anxious about having a new guardian as he held Sunny as close to him as he could without putting pressure on his wounds, wishing so much that Poe would just shut the fuck up and drive.

“It’s a brand-new episode in your lives, Baudelaires! In just a few minutes you’ll be meeting your new guardian, Dr. Montgomery. He’s your closest living relative and apparently should’ve been your guardian all along, according to your deceased parents’ will.” Mr. Poe said as he began to cough. “I’m beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly-dressed consultant who walked into my office with no references and no identification, and who suggested that I place you two in Count Olaf’s care.”

“Sunny and I whole-heartedly agree,” Klaus said harshly. He was starting to realize that Poe was going to talk to them no matter if they answered him or not. So he decided to have some fun with his responses.

“Pathe!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “You’re a pathetic disgrace to your profession. And a waste of air.” 

The two Baudelaire children more than whole-heartedly agreed. Living with Count Olaf had been more than a mistake, it had been more than a disaster. It had been more than a catastrophe. It had been the children's worst nightmare and the worst of it was that the villainous Count Olaf was still at large, and I hate to inform you but my research shows that he will not be caught for a very long time. 

“By the way, my secretary, Jacquelyn is nervous about Count Olaf being at large, but the police tell me they feel very confident that Count Olaf will be caught in no time.”

Klaus laughed at this. “Yeah. And I’m the Duchess of Winnipeg.”

As Sunny said, “Jaclyn?!” which probably meant, “She seems smart and competent. Can _ she _be in charge of our affairs instead of your dumb ass?”

Mr. Poe looked at him crossly in the rearview mirror, ignoring that Sunny had even spoken. “What did we talk about last night, Klaus?”

“Honestly...I don’t know. I tuned you out.” Klaus said bitterly. While Sunny just laughed and clapped her tiny hands at this. She loved when her brother was sassy, especially towards people like Mr. Poe.

“Ah, here’s the turn.” Mr. Poe replied apparently deciding to ignore Klaus.

When Mr. Poe turned down the road labeled ‘Lousy Lane’ the distant stench got a whole lot stronger and both Baudelaires began to cough and clear their throats from the rush of the bitter, strong scent. “Uh, what’s that smell?” Klaus asked plugging up both his nose and Sunny’s with his hands.

Mr. Poe began to cough again, the Baudelaires weren’t sure if it was just his normal cough or because of the horrid, unpleasant smell that encircled the area. “It’s ginger, I believe.”

Sunny shook her head, “‘Sabi!” she shrieked, which probably meant, “No, this is definitely horseradish, you uncultured swine.” 

“We’re here.” 

“How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related to us?” Klaus asked before stepping out of the car.

“Ummm, well let’s see here. He’s your late father’s cousin’s wife’s brother. That probably explains why you never met him. Come along, children.”

“What do we call him? I mean, he’s not exactly our uncle.” 

“You can call him Dr. Montgomery unless he asks you to call him by his first name, in which case you’ll call him Montgomery.”

“Wha?” Sunny asked.

“Wait, his name is Montgomery Montgomery?” 

“Yes. Yes. And I’m sure he’s very sensitive about that, so please don’t ridicule him.” Mr. Poe says then turned to the children. “Ridicule means ‘tease’.”

Klaus shook slightly with rage. “We _ both know _what ridicule means!”

“I can...I can still smell that ginger.”

“‘Worwoo!” Sunny shrieked, which meant, “It’s not fucking ginger, you dumb fuck! It’s horseradish!”

As the Baudelaires stepped out of the car, they saw an elegant walkway to a beautiful large house. As they peered around they saw that Dr. Montgomery had decorated his yards with hedges cut in the form of snakes. Each hedge was a different kind of serpent, some long, some short, some with their tongues out and some with their mouths open, showing green, fearsome teeth. Klaus and Sunny marveled at the pure wondrous beauty that was before them. The house was a square front door made of dark wood, with several columns marking the front porch. To each side of the door were lights in the shapes of torches, which were brightly lit even though it was morning. Above the front door, the house had rows and rows of square windows, most of which were open to let in the breeze. 

“Now, Klaus, don’t ask too many questions right away. And _ please _make sure Sunny doesn’t bite Dr. Montgomery. That wouldn’t be a good first impression.” Mr. Poe said.

“She doesn’t bite people randomly, only people she doesn’t like,” Klaus replied annoyed.

“You,” Sunny said simply pointing at Poe. “Olaf.” 

Klaus shuddered at even the mere mention of that vile man. He quickly changed the subject.

“Do you know what kind of scientist he is?” Klaus asked. Sunny looked up at him with a look of pure puzzlement. 

“Snakes.” Sunny replied in a tone that made Klaus feel like a dumb ass.

“I...I don’t know. I didn’t have time to chit chat, I was busy making arrangements for you two.” Poe said ignoring the fact that Sunny had already answered Klaus’ idiotic question.

“I just hope Dr. Montgomery is a decent person,” Klaus muttered to Sunny holding her close and wincing. Sunny looked up at her brother with even more confusion but he didn’t pay attention to her.

As Mr. Poe rang the doorbell, Klaus’ heart was heavy in his chest. He prayed that their new guardian would be kind and loving like their parents had been...or at least provided them with two beds.

“Hello, Hello, Hello.” a voice answered. “You must be the Baudelaires!” 

The door began to open and there stood a man of average height. He had dark skin, with dark brown curly hair. The children noticed he had a clean face except for a thin, curly mustache that sort of looked like it was in the shape of a snake. Both Baudelaires wondered how he could curl his mustache like that. His overall appearance made him seem kind and friendly, but both children were still very nervous and rightfully so.

“Yes,” Klaus replied. 

“Oh my goodness!” Dr. Montgomery said giddily. “Look at you! You must be Klaus! Do you remember me? I don’t suppose so, you were just a little baby at the time.” Dr. Montgomery stared down at Klaus for a few seconds looking him over. “Weird...I thought you’d be a little older than you are. Hmmm...none the matter.” He took Klaus’ hand and shook it. “How do you---, my what a firm grip like a Burmese python. And Sunny, little Sunny, you look so much like your dear father.” 

Sunny smiled and held out her tiny hand to shake Dr. Montgomery’s hand. Montgomery made a surprised face. “You...you have a firm grip, yourself. You get that from your dear mother.” 

Klaus and Sunny smiled. _ So far, so good. _Klaus thought to himself. 

“Well, this is perfect timing because I have just finished frosting this delicious coconut cream cake.” He gestured for Mr. Poe and the children to follow him inside. He walked over to Klaus to help him with the diaper bag and as he gently removed it from around the boys, he noticed Klaus flinch a little. But didn’t think much of it. Dr. Montgomery then walked over to where he had set a few plates with big slices of cake on them. “Take a fork. Take a fork.” 

“Thank you, Dr. Montgomery,” Klaus said as he politely put the place intended for Sunny down.

“Please call me, Monty. I don’t like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies. Do you like going to the movies, children.”

“Very much. But...our parents didn’t take us very often.”

“Well we will change that, now won’t we. We will go out to see some very important and very special films.”

Klaus looked at Sunny confused but shrugged it off. 

“What’s your favorite movie, my dear boy.”

“Um, Dawn Patrol, the 1938 version.” 

“It was your father’s favorite, too.”

“Now, if I remember correctly, you are the reader. Your mother was so proud of your voracious intellectual appetite.” 

Klaus smiled at this. “Thank you that means a lot.” 

Monty looked at Sunny and wondered why she hadn’t even tried a bite of cake. “Sunny, would you like some cake?”

“My sister prefers very hard food.”

“Ah. Well, that’s quite unusual for a baby, but not so unusual for many snakes. Perhaps Sunny would prefer a raw carrot.” Monty said smiling as he pulled a raw carrot from his pocket and handed it to Sunny. 

“Tanks!” Sunny said smiling back at her new guardian.

“Well, that leaves one extra slice of cake,” Monty said looking at Poe. “Wait, I know I will eat it myself.” the giddy man began to laugh. “Oh, I’m kidding Mr. Poe. You are welcome to a slice of cake.”

“No. I should be getting back to the bank soon. Besides coconut leaves a funny feeling in my mouth.” Mr. Poe said rather rudely. He began to cough. “If you need anything, remember, you can always…”

“They won’t be needing _ anything _from you, Mr. Poe. They’re finally in my care, and I will dedicate myself to their safety, comfort, and happiness as enthusiastically as I have dedicated myself to my life’s work.” 

“Our parents’ fortune can’t be used until I come of age.” Klaus blurted out without thinking just how rude it sounded.

“Klaus! Don’t be rude. Though, legally, he is correct.”

“I don’t give a fuck about the Baudelaire fortune, Mr. Poe, what with my salary from the Herpetological Society. _ But, _as a scientist, I do admire your skepticism Klaus, it’s understandable after what you two have been through.” Monty said crossly in Poe’s direction.

“Ah, yes. The unpleasantness with Count Olaf. No need to bring him up, Klaus.”

Just then an iguana clock began to screech which made Poe scream like a little bitch. Klaus and Sunny both laughed at this. 

“I think I’ll see myself out.” 

“Capital idea,” Monty replied in the same crossly, unamused tone as before.

“Goodbye children.” 

“Bye.”

“Sayonara!” 

As Mr. Poe began to walk out, Monty followed him. Mr. Poe was in the middle of saying something but Klaus and Sunny weren’t able to hear it as Monty slammed the door shut. Sunny honestly enjoyed seeing that Montgomery had a dislike to Mr. Poe as she did. But Klaus was suspicious. He thought that Dr. Montgomery shoeing Mr. Poe out so quickly was similar to what Count Olaf had done when the children were dropped off with him. Klaus couldn’t shake the feeling that the children were not as safe as they should be. There was this nagging little voice in his head telling him to not trust Dr. Montgomery. Klaus didn’t want to mistrust his new guardian, he believed Dr. Montgomery deserved a fair chance seeing that his personality seemed to be far away from Olaf’s as possible. For starters, he took care of his home and he didn’t smell awful. Sure he was obsessed with snakes the same way Olaf was obsessed with wine, but Klaus couldn’t fault the man on that. Klaus was obsessed with books and his sister was obsessed with biting things. Another difference was when they had first met Count Olaf, Klaus could tell something was unhinged about the man. He didn’t get the exact same vibe with Dr. Montgomery. But by rushing Mr. Poe out, Klaus did start to have his doubts. First impressions are usually wrong. _ What if Dr. Montgomery is _ ** _worse than Olaf?_ ** Klaus shook his head at that notion. There was no way he was worse than Olaf...but just as bad...that was still a possibility.

“I’m sorry if I was rude to him, children. But, frankly, that man ruffles my scales. ‘Unpleasantness with Count Olaf’ he says when that man is the very reason you were put with Count Olaf in the first place.” He walked over to Klaus and Sunny smiling. “But, not to worry. You’re finally safe now. Just as your parents wanted.”

“Actually, Dr. Montgomery…” 

“Monty.”

“...Monty…”

“_ Uncle _Monty, I hope, once you get used to me.”

“Monty, our parents never mentioned you.”

“Really? They never mentioned Montgomery Montgomery?”

Klaus and Sunny shook their heads and watched as a frown appeared upon Monty’s face. “That’s a shame. Your parents and I were great friends. Are you sure they never mentioned me?” 

Klaus shook his head again. “No offense, but I’d remember a name like Montgomery Montgomery.”

Monty frowned but continued with the tour. He began to walk up one of the curved staircases that led to the second floor. He stopped at a wall that he had decorated with pictures. “I loved them very much. Look, here’s a picture of us.”

“Monty, there’s no one in that picture...just a piano.”

“We’re locked inside the piano. Ah, we were so young.” Monty replied giddily.

Klaus just shared a look of confusion with Sunny. “Why...why were you…”

“Well, it seems some proper introductions are in order. Do you know what ‘herpetology’ means?”

Sunny looked to Klaus. “Well, ‘ology’ always means ‘the study of’...” Klaus began.

“Snakes! Snakes! Snakes! Snakes!” Monty interrupted him smiling like a child in a candy store. “That’s what I study! I circle the globe in search of a creature that can encircle a globe.” 

The two children smiled at their Uncle Monty. They both understood his excitement when it came to his hobby, his career, his special interest. Klaus with his reading and Sunny with her biting. Both Baudelaires knew that feeling all too well, although it had been a while since either child had experienced such a feeling. 

Monty continued walking and noticed that Klaus had eaten the slice of cake that was on his plate. “Oh, don’t worry about the dishes. Just leave them anywhere. Gustav will wash them up. Gustav!” Monty called out from the top of the staircase. “Oh, drat.”

“Wha?” Sunny asked.

“I forgot all about Gustav. He was my assistant for many years, then he left me a quite unexpected letter of resignation just this morning. Quite surprising.”

Klaus looked down at the ground. Not only was that surprising, but it was also very coincidental. _ These things don’t just happen. _He reminded himself. But he shrugged the notion off entirely. He was just working himself up. The horrible, traumatic experiences that he and Sunny suffered has him on edge. Monty seemed to be a far better guardian than Olaf, by far. There was no competition on that front. But even still Klaus couldn’t shake the fact that something just seemed...wrong.

Monty sighed. “Well, no matter. Who needs an assistant when I have two charming Baudelaire Bambini to help me with my research and expeditions.”

“Bam?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Bambini?”

“Bambini is Italian for ‘children’. Why I am so giddy having you two hear that I might as well be talking gibberish.” Monty replied smiling down at Sunny.

“Monty, you mentioned expeditions? Who would watch us while you are gone?”

Monty simply laughed. “Now, Klaus. Do you really think that I wouldn’t take you and your sister with me? I would love for you to see the world with me and help me discover new reptiles. We can go anywhere. India. South Asia. Peru. They’ve got snakes in Peru.”

Klaus just nodded still following Monty around. 

“Now children, don’t be shy. I have plenty of rooms in my house. You may choose whichever room you’d like for yourselves.”

Klaus’ eyes got wide. “Ummm...Monty do we _ have to _have separate rooms.”

“I mean if you two preferred to have separate rooms. By all means, that is fine by me.”

“Honestly...we would rather have a shared room at least for the time being,” Klaus said holding Sunny tight to his chest and wincing again in the process. “We prefer not to be separated.” Sunny nodded at this and put her head on her brother’s shoulder which made him jerk her away rather quickly. 

“Kay?” she asked him looking up. He quickly nodded. “Yeah. Yes. I am fine. Sorry, you...startled me, Sunny.”

Monty just kept eyeing the young boy for a moment and then went back to showing the children around. “Well, I had a feeling you would want to share a room. So I took the liberty of providing you two with the biggest vacant room in the house. If you ever change your mind, all you need to do is tell me.” He led them to a room that had a decent-sized bed for Klaus and to both Baudelaire's surprise, he also had a decent-sized crib in the room obviously for Sunny. Klaus noticed a large lamp was in the corner of the room on top of a small table that had a nice comfy reading chair placed right next to it. Both children gave a small smile as they imagined sitting in that chair together and reading the day away. Monty had also placed a toy box in front of the crib and a bookshelf full of books alongside one of the walls. Both children noticed that there was a large closet with a huge dresser inside. Both children were slowly beginning to believe that maybe their lives can be safe, comfortable, and enjoyable again even without their parents.


	14. The One When a Volunteer's Work Is Never Done

** _Chapter Thirteen:_ **

_ The One When a Volunteer’s Work Is Never Done _

Lemony Snicket had returned home that night to his daughter already asleep. They hadn’t spoken since he left her right after the kitchen fire and he was starting to severely regret it. He thought Violet had gone to sleep early to completely avoid him. He debated waking her up, explaining things to her. He wanted to at least apologize. He realized now that he had acted a bit insensitive to her feelings and he honestly did regret it. The house looked untampered with as though she hadn’t done anything but lay in her bed. Maybe he was overthinking things. Maybe this was just a symptom of his condition. Always having to find the darkness in the brightest of lights. He had saved the Baudelaire children just a few hours prior. He watched them as they drove past his taxi with that unhelpful, clueless banker. It was over. 

He sighed as he sat down at his desk. Now all he had left on his personal agenda was to find out who or what had caused the Baudelaire fire. Not only did he feel like he owed it to Beatrice to find out and seek justice for her. He owed it to Violet. He had decided that once he figures out the cause of the fire, he will sit her down and talk to her about the tragic event that stole any chance of her ever meeting her birth mother. Just as he began to read over more documents that he had found that he believed would help him with this case, Violet began to sit up.

“Did I wake you?” Lemony asked looking towards his daughter.

“Not really. I’ve been on and off sleeping.” 

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She shrugs her shoulders, doesn’t truly look at him. Lemony could feel the tension. She’s still hurt...she’s still mad. 

“Vi, I’m sorry I left so abruptly.”

She scoffs under her breath. Loud enough for her father to hear but not loud enough to be entirely rude about it. 

“I mean it. I just had to go to work.”

She rolls her eyes and sighs. “I know. It just seems like  _ those kids  _ are more important than me. I mean, I know you can’t explain to me what you’re investigating but it’s obvious by all these pictures of them that you’re investigating these two children. But I nearly set the house on fire and you left maybe ten minutes later. How would that make you feel?”

He frowned. She was right. Well, only partially. No matter what,  _ she  _ is his main priority. Nothing against Beatrice’s other two children but Violet was  _ his  _ daughter. He had to put her first. He was beginning to realize now that he hadn’t earlier today. But it wasn’t necessarily the Baudelaires’ fault that he left so abruptly. She was asking too many questions. Questions he would rather avoid than blatantly lie about. But both Beatrice and VFD were very sensitive topics to Lemony especially right now. 

She got quiet again, matching his intense quiet. “You know I’m trying my best, right?” He said after long moments of painful silence.

She glances away still saying nothing. 

“Violet?”

“...can you just explain to me  _ one thing _ ?” She asked after another minute of painfully awkward silence.

“What would that be?”

“What did you mean when you said ‘you can’t take her!’” 

Lemony turned his head and bit his lip. She was asking the very question that made him leave in the first place. He knew he couldn’t just leave again. Not only would she be furious but she’d become more and more suspicious. He frowned. “Violet...I told you. I was having a nightmare.”

“Did they take her…?” Violet asked. “Did someone take her?”

“What?” 

“Did someone take my mother away?”

Lemony paused. He honestly didn’t know how to answer this. On the one hand, yes. VFD had taken her mother away. She dropped Violet off for him to simply babysit. Due to his unfortunate circumstances, he and Beatrice agreed that Violet was to be raised with her and Bertrand. But a cruel twist of fate involving VFD made sure that it didn’t happen like that. But on the other hand, technically, no one  _ took  _ Beatrice...at least not in the sense that Violet was asking. No one can make Beatrice do something she didn’t want to do. The woman was fierce and she was definitely a force to be feared and not tampered with. Also in all technicalities, Beatrice wasn’t taken away...Lemony had to hide while he was watching Violet and things kept getting messed up. Both parties began looking for the other, rather than one staying in place and waiting to be found. 

Violet cleared her throat bringing her father back into the conversation. “Did someone take my mother away?” Violet asked again this time on the verge of tears.

“If you’re asking me if someone kidnapped her...then no. No one took her.” 

Violet sighed and looked down at her locket. “Dammit,” she muttered.

“Wait,” Lemony said staring at his daughter with a puzzled expression. “Did you want my answer to be ‘yes’?”

She shrugged turning away from him feeling ashamed. 

“Violet...honey…” He stood up from his desk walking towards her putting a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Violet looked up at her father and he could see tears were forming in his daughter’s eyes. “...if she wasn’t taken…” she began, her voice breaking. Her thoughts running through her mind debating whether or not, she should let her father in her vulnerable psyche. “...why did she go? Did she even want me?”

Lemony’s heart shattered the second the question left his daughter’s mouth. He pulled her into a tight hug. “Violet. She wanted you. You gotta trust me on that. This arrangement wasn’t…” he stopped himself. He was trying to figure out how to word it to where it didn’t sound like back then  _ he  _ didn’t want her because he did. Both her parents wanted her. Lemony always dreamt of ending up with Beatrice and creating a family of his own. But so many of his mistakes, his dumb decisions had ruined all his plans. It was supposed to be him and Beatrice until the bitter end. “Violet...I’ve told you… life...happened. Life had different plans for her and me…” 

“...I know…,” she said between sniffles. “But you could just be saying that to preserve my feelings.” 

“What do you mean.”

“‘Preserve my feelings’ a phrase which here means, ‘tell me a sugar-coated lie that will result in me having better self-worth’.” She said as she wiped tears from her eyes. Lemony gave a small smile at her mocking him. Even when she was sad, she could still joke with him.

“Violet, I  _ promise you,  _ you are not the reason that things turned out this way.” He sighed. “When she was pregnant with you...we were both ecstatic. Well, in all honesty, I was nervous. She was the one filled with unbridled excitement about you. It seemed like she wasn’t nervous at all. She was excited for the both of us while I was nervous for both of us.”

“You’ve got to find her for me.”

“I know.”

“Like...you have to. I have to meet her.” 

“Trust me, I know.”

“Do you think she’d recognize me if she saw me today?”

“Well, besides your eyes...which you definitely get from me. She’d be looking at a younger version of herself. So yes, she would most definitely recognize you, Vi.”

“Can you tell me again, what she was like?” 

Lemony laughed. “I could spend all night telling you about her. I could just about tell you everything about her…” 

“...can you do that...tonight?” Violet asked giving him puppy dog eyes.

Lemony looked first at his daughter and then at his investigation board and then back at his daughter. “You know what. Yes. Yes, I can. Let me just put a few papers away. I'll make us some tea and we can talk about your mother until your eyes can’t stay open any longer.”

Violet’s face went from an expression that Lemony knew all too well to one of pure excitement and happiness. That night he and Violet sat down having a few cups of tea. He never added any sugar to his, he believed it should be as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a double-edged sword. Violet, on the other hand, preferred her tea to be semi-sweet. She understood that tea was meant to be bitter but it just wasn’t her thing to drink it with no sugar or honey. She always wondered how in the world her father could. But as the evening went by, the two chatted about Beatrice, the happier times, and anything else Lemony could share with her that didn’t pertain to the fire or VFD. It was a nice night. He had asked Violet to ask simple questions like her favorite things to her least favorites. He described to her the day that he and Beatrice first met, of course leaving out any details of VFD. As the hours passed by, Violet’s began to slowly nod off, she began asking similar questions to ones he had already answered. He answered them again waiting as she finally rested her head on the table and began to drift off. After making sure that she was asleep, he lifted her from the chair that she sat in and he carried her to her bed, gently laying her down and tucking her in like he used to. He smiled at his daughter. She has had a long day. She dealt with the most dangerous elements on this planet...fire. She had a small breakdown about her self worth and her birth mother. She was exhausted.  _ He  _ was exhausted. He found himself battling sleep. He wanted to use these hours of privacy to continue his investigation on the Baudelaire fire but his eyes were becoming heavy. 

He was on his way to his own bed when the phone ringing had startled him.  _ Who could that be at this hour?  _ He thought as he glanced at the clock. It was just past midnight. He hurriedly answered the phone hoping the loud ringing didn’t disturb his daughter. 

“Hello?” He said.

“Snicket? Is that you?” a female voice replied.

“Jacquelyn? How in the world do you get this number?”

“I have my ways,” she said simply.

“I am serious.” He whispered making sure not to wake up his daughter.

“That’s not important, right now. Besides, you said to keep in touch.”

He rolled his eyes. “Do you know what time it is, Jacquelyn?”

“Yes. I do. It’s 12:24.”

“Ha. Ha. So funny. So literal.” he replied in a deadpan voice unamused by her and her games. 

“Snicket. There’s a real reason why I’ve called you.” 

“Which is what exactly?” he replied keeping his voice low.

“Wait...why are you whispering?” 

“Why does that matter? Maybe I don’t wanna wake my neighbors.”

“Hmmm. K. If that’s the story you’re going with.”

“Jacquelyn, why have you called this late at night.”

“Gustav hasn’t answered me.”

“When did you see him last?”

“Yesterday, when we were at Olaf’s house,” she replied.

“Well, did you see him leave?” Lemony asked becoming more and more awake as the conversation wore on.

“Yes. I watched him leave. Remember I told you that.” her voice tone had shifted. She seemed annoyed. “Look, I am just concerned. It’s unlike him to not answer back for a whole day. I wanted to know if the Baudelaires have reached Dr. Montgomery’s.”

“Can’t you just ask that imbecile you work for?” Lemony asked.

“Well, yes I could. But then he’ll start asking why I’m asking...and I don’t know if you know how it feels to have someone asking you questions you either can’t or don’t want to answer.”

Lemony gave a low chuckle. “Oh, do I know that feeling.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Not important. So if he isn’t answering what do you think happened.”

“Nothing good. The last message he gave me was ‘the world...is...quiet here.’” Jacquelyn said. “Just like that. Like he was getting drowsy by the second. Like someone had shot him with a…”

“Poison dart.” Lemony finished.

“Exactly,” Jacquelyn replied. “And who do you think would have done that?”

“Olaf.” 

“Precisely. I fear  _ if  _ I’m right and Gustav has been murdered by Olaf than he is still after the Baudelaire children.”

“Well, isn’t Monty still in VFD. Surely, he’d be able to keep them safe from that bastard.”

“I’m unsure. Monty has been more focused on his herpetology studies. He scarcely has time to do anything VFD related.”

Lemony groaned. “So what you’re saying is, you think these kids are still in danger.”

“I mean, I only called  _ you  _ specifically because I know you have a strange, secretive attachment to these kids.”

“That’s because of  _ whose  _ children they are.” He replied, choosing his words carefully in case Violet had woken up and was now eavesdropping on his conversation.

“I know. I know. I just...I don’t have a good feeling about this at all.”

“Well, why don’t we just check upon them. One of us goes there, to watch the place for a few days. If something happens, we intervene like we did last time.”

“Seems simple enough. I’ll get you an address.”

“Wait. I...I can’t leave the city for a couple of days. I have...very important prior commitments. Would you be able to Jacquelyn? And in a couple of days, if I haven’t heard from you, then I’ll travel down and see for myself.”

“I can do that, Snicket.”

“Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“No, I don’t. But I do know that these are defenseless children that he’s targetting and this needs to come to an end.”

“Are we sure the police didn’t catch him.”

“Trust me, when I stayed behind to skulk the place. I found a trapdoor.”

“To...the tunnels,” Lemony asked.

“Yep. That’s definitely what he used to escape the authorities. He’s probably going to stay low for a few days until he feels safe enough to strike again.” Jacquelyn replied. “I plan on getting to Monty’s via the underground tunnels anyway. So I’ll look around for him.”

“Just be careful. If he has killed Gustav, then we know he has no issue with killing.”

“Oh, believe me. He doesn’t scare me. I’ll make sure he doesn’t harm the children.”

“Thank you for keeping me informed. I guess we’re back on the case.” 

“I guess so. See you in a couple of days, Snicket.”

“Stay safe,” Lemony replied hanging up and then laughing to himself. When he was younger, he didn’t always sound so lame like a dad. But now, with having a daughter, he was careful what his last words were to people. He also just couldn’t turn the ‘dad mode’ off. It was who he was. He hoped it wasn’t obvious that he was a single father. The last thing he wanted was for someone he barely knew, like Jacquelyn, to learn about Violet. He didn’t know if she was entirely loyal and she was definitely mysterious. Lemony wasn’t sure if it was a good mysterious or the bad mysterious. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever know the answer to that. As he made his way to his bed, he wondered why Olaf would take so much time to follow and harass these kids.  _ Be a man and fight someone your own size. If you’re hurting, come after me or Bea-  _ his thoughts hit him hard. Olaf couldn’t go after Beatrice or even Bertrand because they were dead...and although he was alive, Olaf didn’t know that. So he was going after the next best thing, Beatrice’s son and daughter. This made Lemony sick. No way had he ever imagine that his mistakes would cost so many lives and put innocent children in danger. He vowed to stop Olaf once and for all...or he was going to die trying. He knew he had a few days to think of a plan. He laid in his bed and pondered and wondered until his eyes shut and he was fast asleep.


	15. The One Where the Incredibly Deadly Viper Attacks

** _Chapter Fourteen:_ **

_ The One Where The Incredibly Deadly Viper Attacks _

“Now, Baudelaire bambini, I am about to show you one of the most important scientific collections in the history of the world.” Uncle Monty began as he walked them down a small hall between the two staircases. Klaus marveled at the fact that both walls were covered with filled books cases from floor to ceiling. Klaus reached out the hand that wasn’t holding Sunny to touch the spines of some of the books they were passing. Part of him was surprised that they were real. After seeing his and Sunny’s bedroom, he had sworn that he was dreaming. Never did he think Dr. Montgomery would be this sweet or this prepared to be the guardian of the two young children. “Now, spies and rivals in the world of herpetology would eat nine garter snakes to get a simple glimpse of the wonders inside this room. This door has been installed with a top-of-the-line security system.” Uncle Monty began toying the door. Klaus and Sunny both watched him curiously, beyond fascinated by him and what would be beyond the door. “You can’t get inside unless you have nineteen keys, three combinations, two fingerprints, and one optical scan. Or, as I share with my most trusted associates…” He gave a quick smile towards the children, “by turning this doorknob right here.” He gestured for Klaus and Sunny to open the door. Both children looked at one another and together they opened the door of the reptile room.

Both children could hear insects chirping, frogs and toads croaking, lizards chittering. They could even hear a faint ‘woe is me’ as they went in. “This is the reptile room,” Monty said with complete and utter excitement. “Feel free to explore.” Both Klaus and Sunny gasped in astonishment and delight at the room before them. The reptile was made entirely out of glass, with bright, clear glass walls and a high glass ceiling that rose up to a point like the inside of a cathedral. Outside the walls was a bright green field of grass and shrubs which was of course perfectly visible through the transparent walls, so standing inside of the Reptile Room was like being inside and outside at the same time. Both children could also see that in Dr. Montgomery’s backyard was comprised of an enormous maze, which intrigued both children even more. As the Baudelaire orphans walked slowly inside the Reptile Room glancing around at all the cages and exhibits that Monty had on display, they peered left and right, they looked in front of them and behind them. They didn’t know where to look, their interest was piqued. Both children saw that locked metal cages sat on a wooden table in four neat rows down the room. They saw all sorts of snakes, lizards, toads, and assorted other animals that the children had never seen before, not even in pictures within books that Klaus had read. There was a very fat toad with two wings coming out of its back, and a two-headed lizard that had bright yellow stripes upon its belly. There was a snake that had three mouths, one on top of the other and another snake that seemed to have no mouth at all. There was a lizard that looked like an owl, with wide eyes that gazed at them, and a toad that looked just like a church, complete with stained-glass eyes.

“Do you children know anything about snakes...or reptiles, for that matter?” Monty asked as he caught up to the children.

“Only what I’ve read in books,” Klaus replied. “But even then...I wouldn’t say it’s very much.”

“Ah! Well, I may have one or two things here that aren’t in any books.” Monty replied cheerfully. He took the children down a random row. 

“Look, Sunny! There’s the two-headed cobra!” Klaus said excitedly.

“Well spotted, my dear boy!” Monty replied as Sunny looked at the cobra with a smile.

“Is it a he or a she?” Klaus asked peering at it through its glass cage closely, while still holding Sunny.

Monty frowned, “To tell you the truth, I don’t know. I didn’t think it’d be polite to ask.”

He gestured for the children to follow him to another display, a few cages down. “Now, over here, the Tibetan Third Eye Toad.” He said showing the children a toad that was brown but had three blood-red eyes. 

He ushered the children around a bend of tables to take a closer look at the winged lizard that they were looking at earlier. “Now, this is the winged lizard. Do you see his yellow-striped belly? A sign of camouflage and cowardice.”

“Lem,” Sunny shrieked as she watched Monty pick up the lizard. 

“Can it really fly?” Klaus asked remembering something he had read about it within books. 

Monty nodded, “Not only can he fly, Klaus. But he can fly on cue.” He said as he practically tossed the lizard in the air. Both Baudelaires watched in amazement as the lizard’s wings sprouted and it flew across the room. 

“Fly!” Sunny gasped clapping her tiny hands. Monty walked to the other side of the reptile room gesturing for the children to continue following him.

“And here we have the dissonant tortoises, soothed by the music of Alexander Scriabin or early Sonic Youth.” 

He gestured for the two Baudelaires to walk around again. The children noticed a large cage that had a white cloth on top of it, they couldn’t see what was inside. They continued to walk down aisles of cages, peering into each one in amazed silence. Some of the creatures looked friendly, some looked scary, but they all looked fascinating. And with every reptile that he could recognize from books, Klaus would give Sunny a small detail of what he remembered from his reading. After about ten minutes of letting the children explore, Monty gestured for the children to meet him in front of the large cage with the white cloth over it.

“Now, _ this, _my dears, is my most recent discovery,” Monty said excitedly. “The crown jewel of the Montgomery Reptile collection. I discovered him on a recent journey and I brought him under cover of night and a very large hat. Because next month, I am going to present him to the Herpetological Society as my new discovery.” He ripped off the white cloth.

Both Baudelaire orphans glanced inside the wide cage that had its own snake exhibit on the inside of it. Filled with rocks, stones, plants, and even small trees. But they couldn’t see any snakes or any other reptile. Klaus and Sunny looked curiously at Dr. Montgomery, who turned them. “You see _ I _ discovered him, so _ I _got to name him.”

“What’s it called?” Klaus asked curiously still looking around the habitat looking for any form of life inside of the cage.

Monty turned to the children and gave a devious smile. “The _ Incredibly Deadly Viper.” _

In that very moment, as if it understood its name a large, black snake, as dark as coal mine and as thick as sewer pipe appeared and gave a quick glance at the Baudelaire children with its eerie, shiny green eyes and in the next moment, the snake launched itself at the children, effectively opening its cage and bit the younger Baudelaire orphan on the chin. Klaus screamed so loud as this happened while Dr. Montgomery merely stood still laughing at Klaus’ frightened scream.

“Do something!” Klaus yelled. “Get the snake! The snake!” he turned to Dr. Montgomery who was still laughing. Klaus looked at the man with pure sadness and anger. “_ What are you doing!? Get the snake! You let a deadly snake bite my sister!” _ Klaus could feel tears forming in his eyes as he held his sister closer to him not caring that the pressure was hurting his chest. “ ** _I knew we couldn’t trust you! I knew we couldn’t trust him, Sunny!” _ **

Klaus looked from Sunny to Dr. Montgomery. “_ Why the fuck are you laughing!? Sunny just got bit by the Incredibly Deadly Viper!” _

Monty didn’t say anything just pointed to the snake and Sunny. Klaus looked down at his baby sister, who was giggling and playing happily with the snake. “She’s….she’s…” he said wiping the tears from his eyes.

“I am...terribly sorry, children. Terribly sorry, Klaus.” Monty said still laughing. “Don’t you worry about the little one, she’s alright. The incredibly deadly viper couldn’t possibly harm you.”  
Monty said grabbing the snake as it playfully hissed towards Sunny.

“_ The Incredibly Deadly Viper couldn’t have possibly harmed her?” _Klaus asked trying to calm down. He looked to his sister again who looked up at him smiling and even laughing at his dismay. He could feel his heart beating in his chest.

“Nope. The Incredibly Deadly Viper is one of the friendliest and least dangerous animals in the entire animal kingdom. Sunny will come to no harm and neither will you.”

Klaus looked to the laughing man angrily. “But it’s called the incredibly deadly viper.” 

“Yes. It’s a misnomer.” Monty replied. “Do you know what that means?”

“‘A very wrong name’?” Klaus asked.

“Well, a very fitting definition,” Monty said smiling.

“But why would you give your own discovery the wrong name?”

“You see, Baudelaires. Because I discovered it, I got to name it, remember? Don’t tell anyone about the Incredibly Deadly Viper because I am going to present it to the Herpetological Society and give them a good scare before explaining that the snake is completely harmless! All those years of ridicule. “Hello hello, Montgomery Montgomery”, ‘How do you do? How do you do? Montgomery Montgomery’, ‘How are you? How are you? Montgomery Montgomery’. But at this year’s conference, I am going to pretend that it’s escaped. Oooh, to watch all of my fellow herpetologists jump onto chairs and tables and scream in fear, kind of like _ you _did Klaus.” He began laughing again as Sunny joined in. Klaus’ face turned bright pink. 

“I don’t usually scream like a little girl...I thought my sister was dying.” He muttered still bright pink.

“Ah. I can’t wait to see their reactions. Wouldn’t it be hilarious? Maybe I’ll take you two with me so you can see, too.” Monty said. 

Both children nodded. They both did believe that Monty’s joke was funny, although Klaus didn’t think it was funny for Monty to allow him to believe that Sunny was done for. Especially so soon after dealing with Olaf’s bitch ass. But he did find the prank to be funny. He looked around curiously, a bit on edge now.

“Monty?” he asked. “Are there any snakes in this room that _ are _ dangerous?” 

Monty chuckled. “Klaus, did you know snakes are more afraid of _ you _ than you are of them?”

Klaus looked at Monty. “Really…?”

“Oh yes, when threatened a snake will retreat to a place that is quiet and safe...remote. ...a sanctuary. Where it can feel out of danger.” Monty said looking at the two children as they began to frown. “But to answer your initial question, Klaus, of course, there are dangerous reptiles in this room. You can’t study snakes and not find some that are dangerous. I have an entire cabinet full of venom samples from some of the most venomous snakes known to man.”

“Femina!” Sunny shrieked, which probably meant, “And woman..” which Klaus was happy to translate for Dr. Montgomery. 

Monty smiled down at the infant, “Yes, ..._ and woman. _” He led the children to the end of the Reptile Room where Klaus’ face got ecstatic. “Which leads me to the heart of the operation. Now, bambini, this is the most important part of the Reptile Room: my scientific library. The deepest secrets of the snake world can be found in these pages.” He looked first to Klaus and then Sunny. “And I hope that you’ll find them?”

Klaus gave a low chuckle. “So we’re allowed to read all these books?” 

“You are not only allowed, you are implored to read each and every one of these books, young Klaus!” 

Monty knelt so that he was face to face with Klaus and Sunny, which made Klaus flinch and close his eyes for a moment. Monty frowned but waited until Klaus was looking at him. “You know...I’ve always wanted a family of my own.” He said sadly, sighing. “But time flies like a winged lizard. Now I know that a few dangerous reptiles can make you skeptical of the entire species. But, if you give them a chance and you get to know them well enough to tell the dangerous from the good. I promise you no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.” He said as he gently placed a hand on Klaus’ injured shoulder making the boy wince silently.

Monty just stayed quiet the next few moments, allowing his words to sink in. Sunny smiled and nodded at Monty but Klaus didn’t say or do anything. He kept registering Monty’s words about how some dangerous reptiles can make you skeptical of the whole species. He had a feeling when Monty said that he wasn’t only talking about reptiles or snakes, but he was also referring to human beings. He had a feeling Monty was telling him that just because they had encountered the wickedness of Count Olaf that they shouldn’t live their lives in a sick feeling of mistrust and fear about any other adult that comes into their lives. That in time the children will learn to pick out the bad from the good. Klaus knew deep down that Monty was right. That everyone deserved a fair chance, or maybe not everyone. But Monty, himself, deserved a fair chance. He knew Monty wasn’t dumb, he knew that Klaus was judging him comparatively to Count Olaf but Klaus couldn’t help it. What he and Sunny just endured from the wicked Count made Klaus very hesitant. Klaus had good feelings about Monty but he couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was going to go wrong...or that something, already, wasn’t right. As Monty grabbed the winged lizard that had landed on his desk and placed him gently on Klaus’ shoulder, he smiled at the young boy. Klaus gave a small smile back. He didn’t want to be rude to Monty, it wasn’t his fault that Klaus’ trust in guardians or adults, in general, had plummeted during the last week or so.

“I promise you, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.” He said again in a softer voice.

Now, I won’t say that Dr. Montgomery’s words to the two Baudelaire orphans were incorrect, for, in a way, they were correct. No harm _ would _come to either Baudelaire orphan in the Reptile Room. But this situation does reek with dramatic irony, which I am sure you know is when someone makes a remark, and someone who hears it knows something, which can make the remark have a different, usually unpleasant meaning. So I do, beg of you to look away now so you don’t have to learn about why Monty’s promise to the children reeks with the unpleasant arrival of dramatic irony. I will say this though, Monty was right. Later on, in the children’s adventures, they will learn how to tell a noble person from a wicked one, but they never truly master that skill. I will say that Klaus had every right to trust his instincts that although Monty seemed perfectly fine, things were not okay. I hate to inform you that the lives of Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire would not be okay for a very, very long time.

The rest of the day was amazing. Monty showed Klaus and Sunny around the Reptile Room, showing them each and every reptile on display. Explaining to them which ones were the dangerous ones and which ones were perfectly friendly and safe. He allowed Klaus to take a few of his books upstairs so that Klaus could read them as the day wore on. He explained to the children about how some of his reptiles didn’t live in cages and to not be alarmed by the broken-hearted crocodile, in which Sunny nicknamed “Lemony”, which was one of the ones that he rarely ever had in its cage. Monty showed them the rest of the house and cooked them a nice hot meal, even listening to a few of Sunny’s suggestions when it came to spices and herbs. Klaus spent part of the afternoon in the reptile room. He had set the book he was reading on a very large tortoise and he laughed when the tortoise began to walk away effectively stealing his book. Monty had allowed Klaus and Sunny to take a few of the smaller, harmless snakes out of their cages and the two Baudelaires allowed the snakes to slither around their bodies as if they were trees. Monty even allowed Ink out of its cage so that he could play with Sunny. He even allowed Sunny to give him a nickname, which he began to use as well. Both Baudelaire children had not felt this happy in the days after the fire and they were both slowly starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, they could move on from the unfortunate events that plagued them at Olaf’s house. When it was time for bed, Monty tucked both children into bed. He bid them both a good night and went back down to the Reptile Room to continue his own research. 

Nighttime wasn’t a good time for Klaus Baudelaire. When he was asleep, he didn’t feel as safe as he had when he was living in the Baudelaire mansion. Klaus was tossing and turning frantically in his bed, whimpering and flailing his arms. He hit his hand on the nightstand waking up Sunny. Sunny stood up in her crib and looked at her sleeping brother with worry in her eyes. His eyes were scrunched, he was whispering something that she couldn’t quite hear. She tried to read his lips to figure out what he was saying but he was flailing too much. 

“Klaus!” Sunny said in a loud whisper reaching out of her crib to try to touch Klaus but it was no use, her crib was too far from his bed. “Klaus!” she said again. 

Klaus didn’t answer. His eyes were still closed but he was saying something. Sunny tried to read his lips. She could tell it was one word over and over again. _ Stop? No, maybe he was saying Help! _ Sunny looked around her crib grabbing her pillow and tried to toss it at her brother to wake him up but to no avail. She completely missed. “Klaus!” she yelled no longer caring if she were to scare Dr. Montgomery. “ _ Klaus!” _ she wailed.

Klaus’ movements began to get a whole lot worse. His legs were kicking in the air and his arms were covering his chest. In the moonlight that came in from the window, she could see tears falling from her brother’s eyes. She was terrified. Whatever he was dreaming was not only scaring him, but it was _ hurting _him. She started to hit her little fists against the wall of the room that her crib was next to. Either she was going to make enough noise to wake Klaus up or to get Monty’s attention. 

“Stop…” Klaus murmured in his sleep. “Please...stop.” 

“Klaus!” Sunny yelled again. 

“...no...please...stop.”

She began to wail. Tears were now streaming down her face. She couldn’t help her brother. She was defenseless and stuck in her crib while something was hurting her brother in his dreams. Sunny thought dreams were supposed to be fun, safe, and even silly. That’s how her dreams were. 

“..._ please...stop…” _ Klaus murmured again in his sleep. Sunny noticed his breathing was getting heavy and he was guarding his chest with his arm. “ _ ...I was only trying to save her…” _

Sunny’s eyes got wide as she was sure she heard him correctly. “Klaus…” she yelled. Now anger in her voice, the bastard _ did _hurt him! Her heart hurt when she realized that he got hurt trying to rescue her. 

“_ I’m...I’m sorry...stop!” _Klaus started yelling instead of murmuring his words now. Sunny’s eyes got wide as Klaus started to scream and yell the words ‘Help!’ ‘Stop!’ and ‘I’m sorry!’.

Monty rushed in just as Klaus shot up within his bed, his eyes wide, his breathing uneven and rigid. Klaus looked around to see a concerned Monty and frightened Sunny. He quickly realized that he was having a nightmare. “Sorry…” he whispered to both Dr. Montgomery and Sunny. “I’m...I’m fine.” 

“Ponoch!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “You fucking liar, you’re not fine!”

“Sunny, I _ am _fine!” he yelled back at her annoyed.

She just glared at him from the crib. Klaus averted his eyes from his baby sister to their guardian. “I promise...I’m fine.” He said to Monty. Monty just frowned. 

“Klaus…”

“I’m fine!” he yelled.

“Klaus...why don’t you and I have a cup of tea. It could help you sleep better.” Monty suggested.

“No, thank you. I am fine!”

Monty kept calm. “Klaus...come on. A quick cup of tea.”

Klaus frowned. His breathing finally getting back to normal. “I don’t…”

Monty put a hand up to signal Klaus to stop arguing. “A quick cup of tea.” he insisted.

Klaus grumbled but reluctantly got out of bed. “I am telling you, I’m fine,” he mumbled as he headed towards the kitchen.

Monty gave a small smile to Sunny, whose eyes were heavy. “Sunny, I promise...your brother will be fine. I’m just going to have a chit chat with him.”

She nodded. “Benepat.” she replied, which meant, “Good luck.” Although she doubted that Dr. Montgomery could understand her without Klaus to translate but none the less, she gave him a thumbs up and laid back to try to go back to sleep. She was more trusting of Monty than Klaus was and didn’t think her brother was in any real danger. She knew that the only one hurting Klaus right now was himself and his egregious denial.


	16. The One With Violet's Initial Investigation

** _Chapter Fifteen:_ **

_ The One With Violet’s Initial Investigation _

Violet Snicket was no idiot. She was remarkably intelligent for her age and in all honesty, anyone who knew her would tell you that she was an inventive genius. So it really ticked her off when her father thought that he was completely fooling her. She understood that there were times when he had to lie to her, like when he told her that there was a tooth fairy, or when her birthday came around and he acted like she didn’t know exactly where he would hide her birthday presents. That's the downfall of being your daughter’s best friend. She knew everything about him. Well, at least she thought she did. 

She didn’t know much about what was going on, and she didn’t understand why he was investigating two children and what looked to be some fire. But she was going to find out. She wasn’t going to sit there and be lied to. She knew something was up. She just didn’t know what. She didn’t know what she was going to find but she didn’t care at this point. She was going to do the very thing that her father did as his job. Investigate.

Violet acted like everything was cool during the morning before her father left to work. She sat down with him and enjoyed a breakfast that didn’t involve any stoves, skillets, or toasters. When they were both done, she had innocently brought out some of her school textbooks and began to do some of her work in front of him. She had to act like it was going to be a normal day. So she did her best to not act suspicious of anything he said or did. She simply took mental notes about whatever it was he had accidentally blurted out. 

For once, she was thankful when he had decided to leave without a lot of conversation. She did not know if she could lie to him the way that he was obviously lying to her. Once she knew that he was gone for good, she got to work. Now, Violet Snicket was a nice girl, a proper girl but she had a bit of a chaotic side. She was a firm believer in exploring the world and picking it apart to see what each piece does and what she can build with it. So right now, that’s what she was going to do. Pick apart their tiny home and see what she can find. If her father was too focused on investigating some random fire and those two children, then  _ she  _ was going to investigate her birth mother’s whereabouts.

Violet grabbed one of her ribbons from the bathroom counter and tied her hair up as tight as she could. She didn’t know when her father would be back and she didn’t want to get caught snooping in his stuff. She paced around the small apartment wondering where she should start. She looked toward his backpack that laid next to her's by the front door. She debated if she should start there.  _ That’s for essentials only though.  _ She thought and shook her head. She decided she would look to that last. 

She went to his desk and tried to open one of the smaller drawers of her father’s desk to find, to her surprise that it was locked. “Dammit,” she muttered to herself and tried to pry it open anyway. After three minutes of trying to get the drawer to cooperate with her, she knelt down to study the lock. It doesn’t _ seem to difficult…  _ she thought to herself before biting her lip. Did she really want to do this? Did she really want to invade her own father’s privacy like this? She quickly weighed the pros and cons of going along with this plan. On one hand,  _ if  _ she was caught, her father might not be able to trust her ever again. Which Violet did not want. Although it’d be fair seeing that she was beginning to slowly lose trust in him. But on the other hand, going through with this plan could mean she was finally going to figure out the mysteries that surrounded her birth mother. She frowned and opened her locket, looking at the picture. 

“I know this is wrong...but I want to meet you,” she said to the picture of Beatrice that laid smiling back at her in the locket. She thought about what she would say to her birth mother if she ever asked Violet how she found her. She would definitely not mention snooping around her father’s private things. Then it dawned on Violet, what if Beatrice didn’t want to be found? What if her father  _ knew this  _ and didn’t have the heart to tell her? She frowned at this thought. She wanted so badly to find and meet her birth mother that not once had she ever thought about what  _ Beatrice  _ wanted. 

She stared down at the locket feeling a few tears form in her eyes. “I’m sorry...but  _ I have to  _ meet you,” she whispered and closed the locket returning it to its place under her shirt above her beating heart. 

Violet took another glance at the lock on the drawer deciding the right course of action to take into lockpicking it. Violet’s eyes traveled to a nearby floor lamp and when her eyes reached the electric socket she had an idea. Violet knew that you should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,  _ ever  _ fiddle around in any way with electric devices.  _ Never.  _ It was a lesson that her father sunk deep into her when she was around five years old and she was curious about how outlets worked and she tried toying with it. But it has been nine years since then and her father was not around to lecture her about it and even if he was, part of Violet doubted that he would because he considered her an inventive genius. So surely, he’d think she knew what she was doing. But even with that thought, Violet was extremely careful when she unplugged the floor lamp and took a long look at the plug itself.  _ This could work.  _ She thought to herself smiling.

Quickly glancing around at the front door, Violet wiggled the two prongs of the plug this way and that until at last they came loose from their plastic casing. She looked in the palm of her hand, she now had two small metal strips. Violet then looked up at her father’s investigation board looking for a thumbtack that she can use for her make-shift lockpick. She couldn’t find any thumbtacks that weren’t attached to a picture so she took one of the pictures of the kids off the board. There were so many that she assumed her dad wouldn’t notice that she took it down. She placed the picture above the pile of pictures that were on the desk and went back to work. 

With the sharp end of the tack, she poked and prodded the two pieces of metal until one was hooked around the other, and then forced the thumbtack between the two pieces so the sharp end stuck straight out. The result looked like a piece of metal you might not notice if it lay in the street, but in fact, what Violet had made was a crude lockpick. She smiled down at her lock pick.

She knelt down in front of the desk drawer again and she sighed. Was she really about to do this? She thought about how secretive her father has been being the past couple of days and decided that, yes, she was going to do this. She wants to know why he was lying to her. She wanted to know what he was hiding and if he wasn’t going to tell her, she was going to figure it out all on her own. She stuck the lock pick into the keyhole. It went inside, but when she tried to turn it around, it scarcely budged, only scraped a little at the inside of the keyhole. Violet knew that she needed it to move more smoothly or it would never work. Violet took her lockpick out and wet it with her mouth. She grimaced at the stale taste of the metal. Then she stuck the lockpick into the keyhole again and tried to move it. It wiggled slightly and then lay still. Violet removed the lockpick out and gave a low growl. This was frustrating her. She glanced again at the front door. She wanted all the time that she could have to actually investigate what was in this drawer. She hoped there was something that could help her in there or this whole charade was going to be a waste of her damn time. 

She untied her hair and then she closed her eyes as she effortlessly retied her hair with her ribbon. She looked down at her hands, which had been smudged with dust from picking apart the electric plug, and that’s when she thought of something useful. Quickly, she grabbed a bar of soap from the bathroom. She rubbed the slippery substance carefully over her lockpick until her entire invention had a thin, slick coating. She walked back to the desk and she stuck the lockpick back into the keyhole of the drawer. It spun quickly all the way around then snapped in two, right in her hands. One half of her invention fell into the palm of her hands but the other one stuck into the keyhole like a jagged tooth. Her lockpick was destroyed. Violet closed her eyes and breathed a heavy sigh. This was her second invention in a week to not work for her. Was she losing her touch? Was her judgment clouded? Did she not tie her hair up tight enough? 

Violet hit the drawer with her fist in anger and to her surprise, the drawer popped open. She looked at the drawer in disbelief. She gave a smile as she fully opened the drawer and started to take out the folders.  _ Not exactly what I had planned but it works.  _ She thought happily.

She grabbed the folder that was on the bottom of the drawer. Violet knew her father well, she knew that he would try his best to hide things. So she planned to start at the bottom. To her surprise when she opened the folder, she found four letters, a copy of a telegram, and a poem entitled ‘My Silence Knot’. She glanced at the door. She sat down on her bed and began to read the first letter. 

Her heart fluttered when she realized that the addressee was Beatrice.  _ Mother.  _ She thought happily and skimmed the letter for an address. She frowned when she realized that there was no address at all. She looked confused at the letter. If this was a letter  _ to  _ Beatrice, what was it doing hidden in her father’s desk drawer?  _ Did he not send it out?  _ Why would you write someone a letter and not send it out? Maybe its because he didn’t  _ have  _ an address. She decided to read the letters in full. Maybe she can figure something out from reading. She got up and found a small purple notebook so she can write notes. As she read the first paragraph of the letter she was more confused as to when she started.  _ Fencing? Code Class?  _ She pondered. What kind of school would teach a class specifically for codes? As she continued reading the letter more and more questions began to form in her mind.  _ Convey codes during melodramatic dialogue? Who is this ‘R’ character? Who is ‘O’? He seems annoying and unintelligent.  _ She began to write her questions down. The letter wasn’t dated either but Violet had a feeling that this letter was meant for her birth mother back when she and her father were younger. Long before Violet was even born. She also wrote down the word ‘anagram’ and circled it, she drew a line from the word to the mention of ‘O’. What Violet has read it seems this ‘O’ character had a love for anagrams. She looked forlornly at the first letter as she read her father’s signature at the bottom of the page. She had hoped this would  _ answer  _ her questions...not create more. She did learn a few more things about her birth mother. She was into theatre even as a child and had some kind of obsession with bats. 

She put that letter into the folder and went on to the next one. Hoping that this one would give her more answers than questions. She grimace when she learned that her father had once worked for the  _ Daily Punctilio,  _ the very newspaper that ruined her father’s life. She frowned when she realized that he never told her about that. If he didn’t even tell her about a meaningless job at a stupid newspaper than what else was he not telling her? If he was hiding stupid, useless information like this...what important information was he hiding? She took another quick glance towards the door again. Her eyes focused on the words, ‘our organization’. She looked confused. Her father never mentioned an organization to her before. Never. Not when he spoke of his past and not when he spoke about her mother. She quickly flipped a page of her notebook and wrote the words ‘Secret Organization Possible Members’. She wrote her father’s name and then her mother’s followed by ‘R’ which she wrote the phrase ‘possible duchess of Winnipeg’ next to it, then ‘O’ followed by ‘one eyebrow, annoying nuisance’ which is how her father described him in the last letter. She followed the list by writing ‘J’ and ‘G’. She pondered what names these letters could stand for.  _ Kind of a stupid way to name their members...what would happen if two or more people had the same first initial?  _ She pondered as she read on. 

The next letter, to her dismay, only furthered confused her. There was a random mention of ‘O’ again and ‘L’. But wouldn’t her father be ‘L’? His name was Lemony. She rubbed her temples at her confusion. She wished that these were sent out. She thought that maybe they were and these were mere copies of the letters but if that was the case...then where were the correspondences  _ from  _ her mother. Those may have shed light on this confusing discovery. She glanced through the other folders quickly but none of them seemed to be letters from her birth mother. She frowned. She looked at the pieces of paper scattered on her bed. She had a feeling in her core that reading the rest of these would be a gigantic waste of time, but curiosity killed the cat. Maybe somewhere in here, she could find something about this secret organization that her father had mentioned in the second letter. The third letter wasn’t giving her much, just her father expressing his feelings towards her and how he hated when she was away. Nothing she hadn’t heard a billion times before from her father himself. 

When she picked up the fourth letter, the first sentence sent her heart shattering. “ _ I received all two hundred pages of your book explaining why you cannot marry me…”  _ her father had written. She reread that sentence until her heart felt numb in her chest. Her birth mother wrote  _ two hundred pages  _ explaining to her father why they could not be married. Immediately, her mind was jumping to the conclusion that  _ she  _ was part of that reasoning. She shook her head trying to fight her mind.  _ No. No. Dad said…  _ but she couldn’t finish the thought. She could not convince herself that she had nothing to do with it. She had to find this book. She had to. Knowing her father it was somewhere in his things. She would have to dedicate another day to finding it and reading it. She quickly wrote down in her journal to find the book. She circled it several times until the top of the page was as dark as her thoughts. She wiped a tear from her eyes and continued reading the letter.  _ Maybe...maybe he describes some of the details about the book…  _ she thought. She wrote down the words ‘My Silence Knot’ and underlined it a couple of times. She has read that phrase several times now, it must be important. She knew that there was a poem in this folder within the same name but the way her father kept talking about it, she wasn’t sure that he was talking about the poem.  _ How do you untie a poem?  _ She asked herself. She read on, and this letter was killing her. Her birth mother had returned the ring that her father used to propose to her.  _ What could have made her change her mind?  _ If her father was able to slip a ring on her finger, she must have initially said ‘yes’...right? 

Her mind went back to its dark place and she began to think that  _ she  _ was the reason for this. What else would make her mother change her mind? Part of Violet didn’t think that this made any sense...wouldn’t you  _ want the father of your baby to be your husband?  _ Why would you decide after becoming pregnant that the man you had already said ‘yes’ to was no longer the one that you loved? Violet rubbed her temples again and angrily sighed. None of this was making any sense at all. She needed context. These letters weren’t answering anything just making her have more self-doubt about Beatrice. But before she ultimately decided to give up on the letters, she noticed that her father had scribbled on this letter. She looked at the circled ‘ring’s and the underlined letters and words. She looked back at her own notebook and remembered the first letter mentioned ‘code classes’. Was her father speaking to her mother in secret code? She flipped to a clean page in her journal and began to write out what the message seemed to be. When she had finished copying it down, the message read ‘ring. Are you certain your co-star is one of us? Ring’. 

She shook her head in confusion. ‘One of us’? What did her father mean by ‘one of us’? Like someone from their organization? The only people mentioned in this section of the letter were ‘R’ and ‘O’. Her father wrote that the ring he had given her was ‘R’s. Could that be someone in her family? Her father rarely spoke of his parents or his siblings. She couldn’t even remember her uncle and aunt’s names. Maybe one of them was ‘R’. Ryan? Rachel? She pondered. Neither name sounded familiar. She only knew that her aunt was a terrible driver and her uncle was able to fool everyone in a cow costume...she believes it was Halloween costume, but she wasn’t too sure. Was ‘O’ the co-star that her father was talking about? The letter did mention that he was ‘the darkest cloud among them’ and that someday the world will know about his crimes and deceit… But who was ‘O’? Why was her mother’s co-star so important? 

A smile formed on her face when she read that her father was going to answer a few questions that her mother had asked him within the two hundred page book denying his proposal. Her smile soon faded when she realized that her father hadn’t answered any of the questions in complete sentences. The first answer was simply ‘no’. The answer to question four somewhat caught Violet’s eye. It was talking about a poem...were her parents referring to the poem that she had with her. ‘My Silence Knot’. She’d soon find out. Question five confused her a little bit. ‘Three children’ her father had written. Was he saying that he wanted three children? If that were the case, why didn’t she have any siblings? Then she lowered her eyes to her lap...maybe her mother didn’t want  _ any  _ children. She frowned. That would make sense. Why would she abandon her first child if she wanted three children like her father? She pondered why her mother was having her father, the walking dictionary, to define words like ‘baticeer’, ‘brae-man’ and ‘anagram’.  _ None of this makes any fucking sense!  _ She thought angrily. 

As she read her father’s answer to the ninth question. She snickered. Her father used to be a cheerleader. She really wishes that  _ he  _ would tell her this so she could playfully mock him for this but unfortunately, she wouldn’t be able to use any of the information she learned here against him...not yet, anyway. She couldn’t let her father know she read this because he would make sure everything else stayed locked uptight. Maybe this was the beginning of unraveling a mystery. She began to skim through the rest of the answer. Her father was rambling on and on about how much he loved her mother, which again, she has heard this all before. But damn...he spent not one, but two entire pages explaining it in nearly seventy different ways. She rolled her eyes. Her father had such a way with words but damn was this tedious. She noticed he mentioned that he would still love her if she married someone else like her co-star, or ‘O’, or anyone from ‘Z’ through ‘A’. She shuddered, from what little she knew about this ‘O’ character, she did not want her mother to marry him. He even mentioned her mother marrying ‘R’, which made her heart flutter a bit. Her father would be okay if her mother was bisexual. Now, she felt more comfortable about  _ herself.  _ If he’d accept the woman he loved, he’d accept his own daughter. 

The eleventh answer didn’t help fix her confusion, either. He was rambling on about codes again. She wrote down in her notebook that codes can be within anything, writing down the list of examples that her father so graciously provided. The twelfth answer made her go back to the fifth answer which was ‘three children’. He wrote for this particular question, ‘Jacques, Kit, and myself.’ Jacques? Kit? Those names sounded familiar but...she wasn’t sure. The way her father worded it, it could be the names of her aunt and uncle but she was so confused about everything else in the letter that she wasn’t sure. She wrote down those names with the name ‘Snicket?’ after it.  _ Maybe I can ask about my aunt and uncle without having him question me too much.  _ She thought. 

Violet placed the letter into the folder and glanced up at the door. Her father was still not home and she had been toying with these documents for nearly two hours now. She was worried that she should put it all back and focus on finding a way to relock the drawer. But as she skimmed the telegram, there was a sentence that made her heart drop. ‘I understand you and your husband are alive, and rumors have reached me of your pregnancy. STOP’. Violet looked at the sentence more confused than ever.  _ Husband? What husband? She declines my father’s proposal but...she accepted another man’s?  _ Violet’s stomach felt sick. Was  _ she  _ the pregnancy that her father was referring to? Or was it another child? The telegram did speak of a baby girl..but that didn’t necessarily mean her. Did it? Violet’s heart was sinking into her stomach.  _ Did her mother not want her because she fell out of love with her father and in love with another man? Did she give her up to her father because she didn’t want her or did her husband not want her?  _ Tears were falling from her eyes as her mind pondered. All this investigation had done was give her insecurities a leg to stand on.  _ Maybe...maybe...she had another baby girl?  _ That made her heart feel worse. Her mother didn’t want her and had a child with her husband. A man who was not her father.  _ Maybe Beatrice didn’t want to meet me after all?  _ She thought sadly. She pushed herself to continue reading and taking notes about a mountain and a possible baby boy. Goddammit _ ! Make some sense Dad!  _

Her dad must truly love her. He even wished her a happy life with this new man and wished her to get one day to have a baby boy that she always wanted...or twins. None of this made any sense at all to Violet. Violet knew her father was hopelessly in love with her birth mother but not like this? Why wasn’t he fighting for her? Why wasn’t he telling her off? She declined his proposal and married another while she was possibly pregnant with Violet...or maybe pregnant with another child to replace Violet. She shook her head.  _ Stop doing this to yourself, Vi! You’re only being negative because nothing makes any God damn sense!  _ She tried to reason with herself. She screamed with annoyance when the telegram ended with no real ending. Practically ending in mid-sentence, not allowing Violet to know what danger her father was warning her mother about. 

Finally, she got to the poem to find that a corner of it was burnt. She quickly read the poem and she didn’t understand any of it. She didn’t know if it was code for something or if it was just a poem. She wished she had a poet with her who could help her figure out what, she assumed to be her father, meant when he wrote it. The only reason that she believed her father had written the poem was the line containing ‘a word which here means’ which was one of her father’s signature phrases. But the line containing ‘my co-star’ made her think that maybe her mother had written it. Either way, she quickly jotted it down in her notebook. She couldn’t just take this in case her father had a wave of nostalgia and wanted to visit the past. He would surely notice if this poem was missing. So copying it down to analyze later was her only option. After that, she placed all the documents back into the folder and put the folder back on the bottom of the stack. 

She debated whether or not to continue her research tonight but she heard the doorknob turning and her heart sank. She quickly closed the drawer hoping that her father wouldn’t remember whether or not it was locked. She made a quick mental note to relock it later when her father wasn’t home or when he was sleeping. She stuffed her purple commonplace book into her backpack, knowing that her father would never check there. Before her father could open the door and come inside she knelt down her grandfather clock invention and pretended to be working on it.

Lemony walked in and looked down at his daughter. “Hey, honey.” 

“Hey, Dad,” Violet replied quickly refusing to look up at her father knowing that her face was a give away that she had been crying recently.

“Did you figure out what happened with your invention, yet?” 

“Not yet. It’s been giving me trouble all day.” she lied.

“Have you taken a break?”

“No. Can’t afford to.” 

He sighed but smiled down. “I know you’ll get it, kiddo.”

She nodded. To her surprise, he knelt down to look over her invention. He noticed her eyes were red from her tears. “Violet, have you been crying?”

She bit her lip but nodded her head.

“Are you okay?” He asked concerned.

“Yeah...I just got frustrated because it just won’t work. And I started crying...in frustration.”

He frowned. “Don’t let it bug you too much, Vi. You’re a genius. You’ll figure it out.”

“Thanks, Mr. Lemons,” she said smiling, although she felt a bit guilty for lying to him.

“You’re welcome,” he replied. “Did you need any help?”

“Nah, I think I’ve got it,” she said beginning to tinker with her invention.

He smiled and stood up. He noticed that one of the pictures on his board was taken down and that the plug of the floor lamp no longer had its electric prongs. “Violet…” 

“Yeah?”

“...are you aware that we can’t use the floor lamp without its plug?”

Her eyes widened. “Oh. Sorry. I thought that those pieces and one of your thumbtacks could help me...but it fell apart.”

He gave a low chuckle. “Well...the lamp is useless now...so if you need any more pieces from it, feel free.” 

She smiled. “Thank you…” 

Lemony made his way to the bathroom and Violet sat there on the floor feeling a mixture of guilt but excitement. She was very surprised that she had gotten away with what she had done today. Her father wasn’t the wiser. She had a feeling that if she continued her own investigation sooner or later, she would find all the answers that she was looking for about her birth mother. 


	17. The One Where a Very Familiar Dickhead Arrives

** _Chapter Sixteen:_ **

_ The One Where a Very Familiar Dickhead Arrives_

Klaus Baudelaire fidgeted in his seat as his new guardian came into the dining room. Dr. Montgomery gave him a small smile as he went into the kitchen to make two cups of tea. One for himself and one for the young boy. Klaus felt uncomfortable. He didn’t like Sunny being by herself even if she was sleeping. If he was being completely honest with himself _ he _didn’t like being alone. He studied the different exit routes from the dining room to back upstairs. He didn’t know what Monty was going to do, he put a hand gently on his chest and closed his eyes. He hoped it wouldn’t be painful in any way.

After a few minutes, Dr. Montgomery returned with a tray with two cups of steaming hot tea, a sugar bowl full of sugar cubes, and a small creamer cup filled with milk. He set the tray in the middle of the table and gestured for Klaus to take his cup.

Klaus looked at his guardian and then the tea. “Monty...I promise I am fine.”

Monty didn’t look up from his teacup but said simply, but gently. “You shouldn’t make promises that you can’t keep.”

Klaus frowned. “...I’m...fine. Really.” he tried again.

Monty just gave a small sigh but politely changed the subject. “It’s chamomile tea…you add milk to it.” 

“...I know. My father used to drink this with me on nights that I couldn’t sleep.” Klaus muttered frowning.

“I brought out some sugar in case you prefer your tea to be sweet rather than bitter. Please help yourself. Are you hungry?”

Klaus shook his head but didn’t even reach for his tea. Monty just smiled and continued to fix his tea. The silence was making Klaus uncomfortable. He had a feeling Monty knew more than he leads on. But how? Klaus hadn’t made anything too obvious...had he?

“You know, your father and I used to be really good friends. Your mother, too.” Monty said after a minute more of awkward silence. “Honestly, we were much more than good friends. We were...associates, colleagues...volunteers. But that was so many years ago…”

Klaus smiled at the mention of his parents. He missed them so dearly. 

Monty sighed trying to figure out if he should just be blunt or continue to beat around the bush. “You know tea is best drunk while hot,” he informed. Klaus breathed in carefully and took the cup of tea from the tray beginning to add milk and sugar to it. 

He looked curiously down at the cup of tea and back to Dr. Montgomery, who was already taking a small sip of tea. Klaus concluded that it may not be poisoned. 

“So...do you want to talk about your nightmare?” 

Klaus shook his head.

“Are you prone to nightmares? Or is this recent?”

Klaus bit his lip. “...more of the latter,” he muttered.

“Was it about Olaf?” 

Klaus stiffened entirely. He looked at Dr. Montgomery as his breathing started to get rough and heavy. “..maybe,” he muttered.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Klaus shrugged his shoulders. 

“You know...I’ve learned that talking about things that have hurt you or that scare you...can help heal you…” 

Klaus nodded and he sighed, but he didn’t say anything after that. Monty gave a small frown. “I’ve noticed you wincing…and flinching. Did Olaf hit you?” 

Klaus nodded. _ He did more than hit me... _Klaus thought. 

Monty stood up and Klaus flinched. Monty knelt closer to Klaus. “Klaus...you can talk to me. Let me help you. I promise that vile man will never hurt you again.”

Klaus frowned. “Don’t make a promise that you can’t keep.” he muttered. Monty gave a low chuckle. 

“I do mean it. No harm will come to you or Sunny while you live with me.” Monty said gently in reply as he gently put a hand on Klaus’ shoulder. This made Klaus flinch back harshly. Klaus realized that Monty had done this on purpose. “You know, Mr. Poe did mention to me about possible physical abuse…”

“Possible!?” Klaus yelled in anger. He couldn’t believe it after _ everything _Mr. Poe still had his doubts about what happened to him. How much evidence needed to be shown to that coughing motherfucker before he understood.

“...Klaus…” 

Klaus could feel tears of anger form in his eyes. He looked at Dr. Montgomery who stayed calm and collected. Klaus frowned. “Please…” he whimpered.

“You can trust me…” Monty replied.

Klaus sighed and looked down. He just wanted to go to sleep. Well, in all honesty, he didn’t want to go to sleep. Every time he slept, he had the same dream. Reliving the worst night of his life. Staring into the shiny, shiny eyes of Olaf. He just wanted to go back upstairs. He didn’t want to continue this conversation. 

“Klaus…can I just see your shoulder?” 

Klaus sighed but after a few moments of contemplation, he nodded and began to slowly roll up the sleeve of his pajama shirt. Monty stayed calm as he looked at the gash that Klaus revealed. Klaus’ shoulder didn’t look much different from the night he had gotten the wound but there was a bit of bruising around the wound. Klaus hadn’t been able to change the bandages that he applied that night. 

“Did he do that to you?” Monty said after a minute of examining the wound.

“...yes and no,” Klaus replied. “He...he made it worse...but I was the one who initially gave myself the wound.” 

“How?” 

“...I was trying to rescue Sunny…” 

Monty sighed to himself. Glad to hear that this wasn’t an intentional wound on Klaus’ part. Monty lowered his head and stayed silent. He was angry but he didn’t want to show Klaus that. He didn’t want Klaus to mistake who his anger was meant for. He was angry at Olaf...not Klaus. “Well, let’s get some new bandages on that and let’s try our best to give that shoulder a rest,” he said finally getting up and walking out of the room to find some bandages.

Klaus sat there in silence and began to drink more of his tea. He really didn’t know what to do. Should he tell Dr. Montgomery about his chest wound? Monty was going to help him _ properly _treat his shoulder. It would be beneficial to have an adult help him with the more important wound. He just didn’t know how to go about it. 

Dr. Montgomery came back into the room and began to treat Klaus’ shoulder wound as gently as he could. Klaus watched and took mental notes as to what Monty was doing, in case he ever needed that knowledge again. Once Monty finished with his shoulder, Klaus gave him a small smile. “...thanks…” he muttered. 

“Any time. That’s my job as your guardian.” Monty replied before standing up.

Klaus took a deep breath deciding that it would be better for his overall health to let Monty help him. “...Monty?”

Monty turned around to face the young boy. “Yes, Klaus?"

“...could you help me with...one more wound?" 

Monty nodded as Klaus took a deep breath and sighing. He began to slowly lift up his pajama shirt to show Monty the wound he was talking about. Monty’s face went from one of pure shock to one of horror. He was silent and he covered his mouth with his hand. After a moment of silence that made Klaus feel like it was lasting an eternity. Monty looked at Klaus, “Did that bastard do that to you?” he said rather calmly but Klaus could tell by the tone of his voice that Monty wanted to _ kill _Count Olaf. Klaus simply nodded. “How…?”

Klaus closed his eyes and shuddered. “...I...I’d rather not...talk about that.” 

Monty nodded. “Was _ this _part of your nightmare?”

Klaus nodded again looking away from Dr. Montgomery. He hated feeling so weak and small. He hated being intimidated by not just Count Olaf in real life but Count Olaf in his dreams. Monty quickly went to work replacing the old bandages and helping Klaus’ wound fix. This took nearly an hour, but Monty did not care. He was kind, gentle, and was kind enough to get Klaus a book so that he wasn’t bored while Monty helped him. “Does Mr. Poe know?” he asked when he was nearly done.

Klaus shook his head. “Nope. Sunny doesn’t either and I would like to keep it that way.” 

“That’s a lot to keep to yourself…” Monty began.

“Sunny’s an infant...she doesn’t need to know. I’ll...I’ll be fine...eventually.”

Monty nodded. “I do agree that Sunny doesn’t need to know...but the authorities…”

Klaus shook his head. “The authorities don’t care.” 

“How can they care if you don’t give them a fair chance.”

Klaus shook his head again. “I had given them a chance. I went to Mr. Poe about a bruised cheek. He didn’t do shit. I went to a judge, with the same bruised cheek. She merely talked to Olaf...they wouldn’t have cared about _ this.” _

“You...don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.” 

Monty nodded deciding that it was too late for an argument and that he and Klaus can continue this discussion another day. Monty finished wrapping Klaus’ wound up in the roller gauze. “Well, if that doesn’t start healing properly. I’m afraid we will have to go to the doctor.”

Klaus’ eyes got wide. “No.,” he said simply dismissing the idea entirely.

“Klaus, it isn’t up for debate. We will discuss that more if and when we get to that.”

Klaus sighed but nodded. Monty looked at the young boy again. “You’re safe now, just like your parents had wanted.” And with that Monty had bid Klaus goodnight and allowed him to go back to his bed. As Klaus walked up the stairs, he did feel safer. He did feel a bit more at home at Dr. Montgomery’s. He was starting to believe Monty when he said that the two Baudelaire children were safe. The nagging little voice in his head was quieter that evening and to Klaus’ surprise the chamomile tea actually did help him fall right back to sleep and although his dreams weren’t entirely peaceful, they weren’t entirely terrifying either. 

Before I continue the story of the Baudelaire orphans, I feel like I owe it to you, the reader, to give you yet another chance of leaving and never returning. You can pretend that both Baudelaire orphans eventually warm up entirely to their Uncle Monty and you can pretend that for the next six years or so that they have fun expeditions or get recruited into a secret organization or whatever you want to say happens next. You can stop reading now and imagine that everything was a long, dark nightmare that was afflicting Klaus Baudelaire or even poor little Sunny and that their parents rush into their room to wake them up and hold them and tell them that everything is okay. You can imagine that tomorrow’s newspaper headline is one that details that Count Olaf has been captured and he will now be rotting in jail for who knows how long. I mean, if you do see a headline that details that, do yourself a favor and make sure that it is not from _ The Daily Punctilio _or else you should just count it as another one of their bullshit reports that have no truth or validity to them. You can even pretend that Count Olaf did show up to Dr. Montgomery’s in hopes of stealing the Baudelaire orphans' fortune and that Dr. Montgomery viciously murdered him in the act of self-defense. You have every right to imagine any scenario that you’d like...but unfortunately, for me, I know how this story continues...and although I wish that I could end it here before anything were to happen to Dr. Montgomery...I can’t. I am writing this detailed account of the trials and tribulations of the two Baudelaire orphans in hopes of finding them one day. 

The next morning, Klaus and Sunny woke up early and after a quick breakfast, both children headed to the Reptile Room to begin helping Dr. Montgomery with some of his research for a possible upcoming expedition. Klaus was standing up staring at the blueprints to Dr. Montgomery’s hedge maze that was located in his backyard while Sunny sat on the floor feeding one of the massive tortoises some brushed bananas. Sunny was also having what she assumed was a polite conversation with the broken-hearted crocodile that she had nicknamed “Lemony”. 

“Hap!” Sunny chimed to the crocodile, which was her way of saying, “Don’t be sad. Uncle Monty will be down soon, silly.” 

The crocodile responded to this as it had to everything else Sunny said to it, which was with the same dreary, ‘woe is me’. Klaus rolled his eyes having had enough of the crocodile. “Sunny, it can’t understand you. Dr. Montgomery said the broken-hearted crocodile’s mating call just happens to sound like depressed human speech.”

“Par poo!” Sunny yelled jokingly at her brother, which meant, “I know. I just like talking to it, party pooper.”

Klaus rolled his eyes again. “I wish he’d go back outside. He’s annoying.” Klaus slammed his hand on the desk when the crocodile responded with another ‘woe is me’. “Woe is _ you? _We’re the ones whose parents perished in a fire and now we’re being passed around like hot potatoes.”

Sunny looked up at her brother. “No comp,” which was her way of saying, “It can’t understand you.”

Klaus rubbed his face in annoyance. “I _ know, _Sunny,” he said. “Look, Sunny. I miss our parents...I know Monty’s been a good guardian so far...it’s just our parents never mentioned Dr. Montgomery. Why did we never visit him? I thought I knew all our parents’ friends.”

Sunny merely shrugged and crawled to her brother.

“I just have this nagging feeling that there’s a reason they never mentioned Monty. Like how they never mentioned Count Olaf. Maybe it was the same reason they sent us to Briny Beach that day. Like a more...sinister reason.” He said picking up his baby sister once she reached his feet. 

“Bambini! Baudelaire bambini!” Monty called out from the hall.

“Here!” Sunny yelled.

“How was your day?” Monty asked when he reached the entrance of the Reptile Room.

“I polished the tortoise and clipped the iguana’s nails, and Sunny fed the tortoise some bananas.”

“Ah, thank you. I’m so grateful. Perhaps when I’m out, I’ll bring you both a special treat.”

“Where are you going?” 

“I’m gonna go into town and pick up a few things that I like to keep in stock. Wasp repellent, canned peaches, a fireproof canoe. A few other things that I have realized I might be needing. And then, tonight, we’ll go and see our first movie. Won’t that be exciting?”

“What movie are we going to see?”

“Well, we won’t know until we get there.”

“I’ve never heard of a movie theater that doesn’t tell you what movie is playing.”

Monty chuckled at this. “Well, Klaus, I have a feeling there are many things that you’re going to see that you’ve never heard of before. Life is a conundrum of esoterica.” He turned to leave but then stopped in the doorway. “Oh, my new assistant, Stephano will be arriving sometime today via taxi. So please, if I am not here when he arrives, make him feel welcome.” And with that, he waved goodbye to the children. 

Sunny turned to Klaus. “Esowha?” she asked.

“Well..a conundrum is a mystery. And esoterica are obscure objects or documents.” Klaus answered for his baby sister who simply nodded still not completely understanding. “Sunny, look at this. These are the original blueprints for Dr. Montgomery’s landscaping. Those hedges outside make up a labyrinth...or maze. And if you look at the labyrinth from the top….” he began.

“Olaf,” Sunny said simply shuddering. 

“That’s right, Sunny. It looks like the tattoo Count Olaf has on his ankle and…” He pulled out the spyglass and showed Sunny the object from the top. “...and it looks like this symbol on our father’s spyglass. It’s a mark of villainy.”

Sunny shook her head and touched the spyglass. “jumconclu” which was her way of saying, “I don’t know where you’re going with this...but father would never be in cahoots with Count Olaf. And I honestly doubt Monty would either. He seems too nice.” 

“Things aren’t always what they seem, Sunny. Something strange is going on here. Mother and Father told me all sorts of stories that happened long before either one of us was born. So why doesn’t the name Montgomery Montgomery ring a bell?”

Sunny simply shrugged. She didn’t have an answer to give to her brother. But she didn’t like what he was insinuating about Dr. Montgomery or their parents. Sunny continued to stare at the spyglass and the blueprints. She didn’t know why her father owned a spyglass with a similar stylistic eye as Olaf’s tattoo but she knew her father was not evil. He was a sweet, kind, and gentleman who loved his wife and both of his children. 

“I hope Monty’s new assistance, Stephano, is as nice as Monty,” Klaus said breaking the silence and changing the subject. “It’d be a shame to have to live with someone rude or boring.” Sunny nodded her head in agreement.

And just as Klaus had finished mentioning Stephano, the doorbell rang.

“Speak of the Devil,” Klaus said with a small chuckle. As I am sure you know the phrase, “Speak of the Devil” refers to someone who appears unexpectedly while being mentioned or talked about. It has nothing to do with the actual Devil, although in the Baudelaires’ case I would say that Klaus was more than accurate with his phrasing. For although, the man at the door was not the Devil, per se. I have a sickening feeling that Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire would have told you otherwise because in a way this man was, indeed, devilish or devil-like to the children and he was the man who haunted all of their nightmares. 

“Rewsnaon,” Sunny muttered, which meant, “Don’t answer it.”

Klaus chuckled. “Come on, let’s go meet Stephano.”

Klaus carrying Sunny made his way to the front door. Before he was able to answer it, he could slightly here a conversation unfolding outside. 

“I’m not going to give you a tip,” a wheezing voice said. “Because, not only do you talk too much but I don’t understand you’re way of driving. And in all honesty no one wants to hear stories about your sick father or books that you've read."

“First off, we’ve been driving like this since we were kids, man.” one voice called out angrily. “Ever since our father first became ill.”

“That’s no reason to not give someone a tip, dickhead. We are trying to pay for our father's medical bills.” another voice replied. “Come on, Pip. Let’s just get out of here.” 

“Fuck off, douchebag!” the first voice called out as they drove away.

Klaus was shocked to hear this altercation and began to get nervous, imagining just what kind of man could be that rude. His question would soon be answered when finally Stephano rang the doorbell. When Klaus opened the door, he realized his worries were legitimate and his worst fears were coming to life. He felt his heart sink into his stomach. With wide eyes, he held Sunny closer to him, wincing in pain. Sunny looked at her brother and then began glaring at the man.

“Good morning! I am Stephano, Dr. Montgomery Montgomery’s new assistant.” the man said. The children could see that the man in front of them was a very tall, very thin, bald man with a long beard and no eyebrows over his shiny, shiny eyes. Upon his shiny eyes, he wore thick circular glasses. He spoke with an Italian accent but the Baudelaire orphans could see right through him.

“It’s afternoon,” Klaus said joining Sunny with glaring at the man. “And you’re Count Olaf.”

“Perhaps you, boy, can take my suitcases up to my room. The ride along that smelly road was dull and unpleasant, and Stephano is very tired.” Olaf commented as if Klaus hadn’t even spoken. 

“Good!” Sunny yelled.

“You’re Count Olaf, and if anyone ever deserved to travel along Lousy Lane, it’s you,” Klaus replied. “I will _ not _ help you with your luggage, _ cause I will not let you in this house!” _Klaus yelled as he grabbed the door and tried to slam it in Olaf’s face but to his and Sunny’s shock, Olaf stopped the door from closing by stabbing a knife harshly through the wood of the door. Seeing the weapon in Olaf’s hand, Klaus’ eyes got wide and he held Sunny tighter to him, flinching and wincing in pain as he began to slowly back up keeping his eyes on Olaf as Olaf angrily pushed the front door open and extracted his knife from the wood. He slammed the door behind him, locking it. Causing Klaus to shake.

Using his regular voice, he began to slowly walk towards the two helpless Baudelaire children. “Well, I see you children haven’t changed a bit. Klaus, you’re obviously still as stubborn as ever and still wearing those idiotic glasses from reading too many books. And I can see little Sunny here still has nine toes instead of ten.”

Klaus looked at the knife and then at Sunny. “What are you talking about? My sister has ten toes, like the vast majority of people.” He said still backing up slowly up the stairs, refusing to turn his back on Olaf. He used his free hand to use the railing to guide his way.

“Really? Now, that’s odd. I could have sworn that she lost one of her toes in an accident. I seem to recall a man named Stephano being so confused by being called Count Olaf that he accidentally dropped his knife on one of her little feet and severed one of her toes.”

Klaus pushed Sunny closer to him. “...You wouldn’t dare!” he yelled reaching the top of the staircase. Olaf merely smirked at the young boy, who was trying so hard not to break down crying. Olaf poked the boy’s chest with the knife. Making sure not to stab him, but at the same time, making sure that Klaus could feel the tip of the knife even through his sweater vest. This caused Klaus' eyes to go wide with fear and he stood frozen in place. 

“Now, Klaus...let’s not discuss what I would or would not dare do,” Olaf said giving a wicked smile to the boy as he gently poked the boy a few more times with the knife causing Klaus to shake. Sunny glared at Olaf. 

“Fucker!” she hissed at Olaf. Olaf merely ignored her and looked towards Dr. Montgomery’s wall of pictures. 

He flashed the Baudelaires a cruel smile as he tapped the photo of the piano that Dr. Montgomery had shown them the other day with the tip of the knife. “Instead...let’s discuss your poor, unfortunate parents. May they rest in ashes.” Olaf chuckles. “Your father and your mother were very brave in their days. But..._ their days are done, Baudelaires.” _

Klaus glared at Olaf. “That’s...that’s not a picture of our parents.” 

“Yes, it is. They’re inside the piano.”

“How do _ you _know that?” Klaus asks still glaring at the vile man.

“I took the picture, duh.” 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another in disbelief.

“And now...all that’s left of them is their enormous fortune...and _ you two brats.” _ He pointed the knife at Sunny this time looking Klaus dead in the eye. “And that enormous fortune is _ mine!” _

_ “Never!” _Sunny yelled back.

“Never is a very long time and your ridiculous uncle will be back in a few hours…” Olaf began just as the screeching Iguana clock began to screech. Causing Olaf to jump and scream like the little bitch ass punk that he is causing him to drop his knife.

“_ Go!” _ Sunny yelled at her brother as Klaus snapped out of his frozen state of shock and tried his best to run down the stairs. But Olaf grabbed his arm and began to pull him back as he shuffled to reach his knife with the other hand. Klaus watched in horror as the spyglass fell out of his pocket from Olaf pulling his arm. Klaus tried to pull out of Olaf’s grip but he couldn’t. Sunny realizing that Olaf was over powering her brother, reached over and bit Olaf’s hand hard making the villainous piece of shit release her brother’s arm and yell out in pain. Klaus hurried down the stairs and quickly grabbed the spyglass from the bottom step. “ _ Run!” _Sunny yelled as Klaus turned around the bend and raced for the Reptile Room’s entrance. Olaf finally reached the bottom of the stairs and threw his knife at Klaus’ back. But he missed and as Klaus slammed the door shut, his knife stuck harshly into the wooden frame of the Reptile Room. Klaus and Sunny backed up from the door. As Olaf reached it and began to pound on the door with his fists. 

“Blasted furnaces of Hell!” Olaf yelled. “Oh, Baudelaires! Baudelaires.” He began to chuckle deviously. “I’ve brought you a present...It’s very sharp. Very eager to slice your orphany skin open.”

Klaus began shaking uncontrollably. “How...how did he...how did he find us?”

“Iniurquae,” Sunny replied, which meant, “That’s the wrong question.”’

“What do we do?” Klaus asked his baby sister who shrugged. She could see tears forming in her brother’s eyes. She reached up and wiped his tears for him.

“Open this fucking door, orphans!” Olaf shouted from outside.

“We...we can smash a window and make our way into town...catch a train far away from here,” Klaus suggested.

“Where?” Sunny asked, her adrenaline slowing down and her terror kicking in.

“Anywhere but here,” Klaus said simply.

Sunny shook her head. “Found,” she said, which was her way of saying, “If the bastard found us here, he could find us wherever we went.”

“Open this door!” Olaf yelled again. 

“We can’t just stay here and wait for him to burst in and slaughter us, Sunny.” 

Sunny looked up at her brother with a face of hopelessness. She didn’t know what to say or do right now. 

“I never should have let him into this house…” Klaus said absentmindedly. 

“Klaus, open this goddamn mother fucking door!” Olaf yelled. "Or I'll make you wish I'd just kill you! 

“Nolestpa,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Klaus...this isn’t your fault.”

But Klaus didn’t listen, he kept his eyes focused entirely on the door in front of him. Olaf’s pounding on the door reminded him too much of the Baudelaire children’s stay at Count Olaf’s home. His knife reminded Klaus too much of the pain he can and would inflict on the children and it also reminded him of that dreadful night with the umbrella. His threats reminded him of every physical altercation that he had with Olaf. Klaus held his sister as close as he could as he pondered what he could’ve done differently to prevent Olaf from ever entering their new home.

One of the most difficult things to think about in life is one’s regrets. Something will happen to you, and you will do the wrong thing, or act in a wrong way, and for years afterward, you will wish you had done something differently. For instance, sometimes when my associate thinks back about her own initial investigation of Baudelaire and Snicket cases, she will remember a day, a long time ago, when she decided to not go to the shores of Briny Beach, because at that time she believed that it would be a complete waste of time to visit that particular beach while in search for the three missing children. If she had gone on that particular day, she believes the result would have been less disastrous as they turned out to be. _ Why didn’t I go to Briny Beach that Tuesday? _ She thinks to herself as she lays in bed thinking about these cases, even though it is entirely too late to do anything about it. _ I should have gone to Briny Beach that day. _ She’d constantly say to me during our investigation.

For years after this moment in the lives of the two Baudelaire orphans, Klaus thought of the time when he and his baby sister realized that Stephano was actually Count Olaf, and was filled with regret that he didn’t call out to the drivers of the taxicab who were beginning to drive back down the driveway. _ Stop! _ Klaus would think to himself, even though it was far too late to do anything about this. _ Stop! Take this man away! _Of course, it is perfectly understandable that Klaus and Sunny were too surprised to act so quickly, but Klaus would lie awake in bed, many years later after this incident, thinking to himself, that maybe...just maybe, if he had acted in time. He could have saved Uncle Monty’s life. For years afterward, Klaus would spend sleepless nights wondering if he had acted in a timely manner, would he and Sunny have found safety, comfort, and happiness. 

I am here to inform that no amount of research could answer that question and it didn’t matter how many times Sunny told him that it wasn’t his fault. While it is in the present day or sometime in the Baudelaires’ future. Klaus wishes that he was fast enough, strong enough, and even brave enough to stop Count Olaf from entering Dr. Montgomery’s house and fucking everything up.


	18. The One Where Dr. Montgomery is Fooled by Stephano

** _Chapter Seventeen:_ **

_ The One Where Dr. Montgomery is Fooled by Stephano _

The Baudelaire orphans stayed inside the Reptile Room for the rest of the afternoon awaiting Dr. Montgomery’s return. To their surprise, Olaf kept knocking on the door and demanding them to let him in. Klaus and Sunny felt utterly trapped. Klaus sank into a chair, trembling so hard that his body began to ache. He was hugging his legs in a fetal position trying to calm himself down, while Sunny was on the floor curled up into a little ball on the floor, so tiny that you might have missed her if you walked by. Both children didn’t speak for what felt like an eternity. Klaus kept whimpering and crying to himself while Sunny kept wondering what Olaf’s evil plan will be this time. 

Klaus eventually released his legs and looked down at Sunny. “He...he vowed that he’d get our fortune…” he said absentmindedly staring out the glass walls of the Reptile Room.

Sunny looked up at her brother in confusion. “Wha?” 

“That was the last thing he said to me before he escaped...before I rescued you. He said he’d get his hands on our fortune if it was the last thing he ever did.” Klaus replied not even looking at Sunny. Klaus did not add that he’d also said that once he got their fortune, he’d do away with both Baudelaire siblings. He did not want to add this part. Klaus and Sunny both knew that if he figured out a way to seize their fortune, he would slit the throats of the two Baudelaire orphans as easily as Klaus could read a book or as effortlessly as Sunny could bite a rock in half.

Both siblings sat in silence once more. Pondering what they could do next. Klaus wanted to run away from Dr. Montgomery’s but he knew that plan was too risky. He’d never be able to support Sunny on his own. Klaus and Sunny began to smile once they heard the sound of Monty’s jeep approaching, Klaus picked up his baby sister and began peering out the glass walls, both children’s smile faded when they saw Olaf reach Monty first. 

“What do you think he’s telling him?” Klaus asked Sunny.

“Fraudatur,” Sunny replied shrugging her tiny shoulders, this probably meant, “I don’t know. But it doesn’t seem good. Monty is smiling and he was _ expecting _‘Stephano’.”

Klaus frowned. “Do...do you think Dr. Montgomery is in cahoots with him?” 

Sunny furiously shook her head. “No,” she replied. Klaus sighed. He hoped that Sunny was right. Monty had been so nice to him the night before and seemed to be an appropriate guardian for the two children. Not only had he given Sunny a proper crib to sleep in, but he seemed to genuinely care about the children. _ But what if it was all an act? _What if Monty was acting like he cared. Count Olaf did have an acting troupe of vile characters, maybe he had more than just the ones that the Baudelaire children had met during their stay at Olaf’s. He shuddered at this notion. The Hook-handed man had shown some concern about Sunny and even Klaus, so it would not be too far fetched to believe that Monty was working with Olaf.

Klaus held Sunny closely as he began to walk out of the Reptile Room, just as Dr. Montgomery and ‘Stephano’ had come back inside.

“Welcome to my home, Stephano,” Monty said happily. “There are a few spare rooms that you may choose from upstairs. It is a bit cramped like I said, I have two young children living with me, so living quarters may seem to be a bit tight.”

Stephano snuck a smirk the Baudelaires’ way. “...not for long,” he mumbled making sure that Klaus and Sunny could hear him and not Dr. Montgomery.

“What, I couldn’t quite catch that.” 

“I said, I don’t mind.”

“Ah,” Monty replied and then turned to see the children standing there with worried looks on their faces. “Ah children, Mr. Stephano here told me that he may have accidentally frightened you. Which does make perfect sense that you were alarmed, seeing that he chased you up and down the stairs with a knife? But there’s nothing to fear…” he began.

“N-nothing to fear?” Klaus repeated looking at Monty with pleading eyes.

“Nothing to fear. He is my new assistant, Stephano. He has explained to me that he has a very strict fitness regimen, where he has to run up and down the stairs brandishing a knife at least three times a day. Which makes perfect sense.”

“_ That _makes perfect sense?” Klaus asked looking to Sunny who was also looking at Monty like he was crazy.

Monty simply nodded his head. “Honestly, I’ve heard stranger things. Why when your parents and I were younger we came up with…”

Stephano interrupted Monty and stood in front of the children. “I believe _ proper _introductions are to be made.” He said extending his grimy, evil hand in front of him. “The name is Stephano, I am an Italian man. I am also Dr. Montgomery’s new assistant.”

Klaus and Sunny glared at the man. 

“Children, let’s not be rude to our guest,” Monty commented.

“Dr. Montgomery...this is…” Klaus began before Stephano roughly grabbed his free hand and began to shake it. Stephano glared his shiny eyes at Klaus as his grip on his hand kept getting tighter and tighter.

“Now...little boy, wouldn’t you want to _behave yourself,_” Stephano muttered looking Klaus dead in the eyes.

Klaus froze, trying his best to avert his stare away from Stephano’s. “Well behaved little boys _ politely _ introduce themselves to _ strangers. _Am I right?” Stephano asked in a calm voice that only sent chills down Klaus’ back. Klaus simply nodded his head slowly. 

“I’m...I’m...I’m Klaus...and this is my baby sister, Sunny,” he said finally looking away from Sunny feeling ashamed.

Stephano simply smiled and released his grip on the boy’s hand. “Pleasure to meet you, children.” Sunny just glared at Stephano, showing him her teeth. 

“Well, now that proper introductions have been made, why don’t you go upstairs and get yourself settled?” Monty said to Stephano.

Klaus gave a small smile at this. If he and Sunny could get a simple moment alone with Dr. Montgomery, maybe they can explain to him who Stephano really was and if he wasn’t in cahoots with Stephano, he’d call the authorities. 

Stephano looked outside and noticed the canoe was still attached to the jeep. “Shall I carry in the canoe?” he asked.

“Yes, but my goodness, you can’t carry it all by yourself. Klaus, please help Stephano, will you?” Monty asked turning to Klaus.

Klaus looked to Monty and then to Stephano who was smirking triumphantly. Klaus’ heart was pounding in his chest. “I...I...I would, but I’m afraid I can't.”

"Why not?" Monty asked confused.

"I-I-I am carrying Sunny..." Klaus replied after failing to come up with a better excuse. 

“Silly boy, I can take her for you,” Monty said as he gently took Sunny from Klaus’ arms.

“Monty...I have something really important to tell you.” 

“And I am all ears after you help Stephano bring in the canoe, Klaus.”

“What I need to tell you...honestly, it...it _ can’t _wait.” 

“Klaus, please help Stephano with the canoe, and we’ll talk about anything you want in a few moments,” Monty said sternly.

Klaus sighed but followed Stephano out the open door. Sunny watched them walking towards the jeep as Monty put down some of his shopping bags on the table. 

“Mon,” Sunny began, realizing that although her communication skills weren’t the best that right now, she had the best chance at explaining to Monty the situation that the Baudelaires have found themselves in. But she stopped when something caught her eye. Monty wasn’t focused on what was happening outside, unlike Sunny. So he didn’t see what Stephano was doing. Stephano had stopped at one of the snake-shaped hedges and reached into his pocket. Sunny could see him take out the long knife that he had previously used to threaten the Baudelaire children. Its blade caught the light of the setting sun and it glowed brightly, like a lighthouse. Sunny knew that this was a warning. Klaus looked at the knife in horror, and then at Stephano, and then at Sunny. While Sunny looked at her terrified brother, at the repulsive villain, and then at their guardian. Stephano just smirked in Sunny’s direction. The only one who didn’t realize what was going on was Monty. “Mon…” Sunny whimpered this time, but she couldn’t continue. Stephano didn’t say a word and he knew that he didn’t have to. He knew that Sunny was well aware of what he would do to Klaus if she tried to even breathe one word about his true identity to Dr. Montgomery. Sunny knew that she couldn’t gamble Klaus’ life. She hated letting Olaf think that he’s won, but what else could she do? She shot Klaus a quick frown and kept her mouth shut. 

Klaus quickly helped Stephano with the canoe. Not saying anything. Refusing to even look up at the repulsive man. Once they both finished, Klaus ran back in and took Sunny from Monty. Monty smiled. “Now let me just give Stephano a quick tour of the Reptile Room and then we can make some dinner.” 

Monty walked over to the Reptile Room door. “Let me just unlock all of these important _ top of the line _security measures.” Klaus and Sunny watched as Monty began to imitate all of the gears turning, machinery whirring, beeping. They were sure the reason he was putting on this charade was because of Stephano, which gave the children a small drop of hope. If he already didn’t trust Stephano...did that mean that it would be easy to convince him of his true identity. “Retinal scan one.” Monty put his left eye near a panel. “Retinal scan two.” He then put his right eye near a panel and after all this, he opened the door to the Reptile Room. 

Monty gestured for Stephano to follow him. Klaus and Sunny watched from the doorway. The two children listened in on the conversation as they pondered what to do about their life-threatening issue.

“Now, the children will be helping us research during any expeditions. Do you have any experience with children?” Monty asked as they walked around.

“Well, to be honest, children are strange and foreign to me. Uh, I...I never really was one. I know they are an important part of the ecosystem.” Stephano replied.

Klaus rolled his eyes at this and turned to Sunny. “You know, he’s never going to leave us alone with Monty.”

Sunny nodded but kept eyeing something on the floor that was slithering their way. “Nuntius,” Sunny whispered to her brother, this meant, “We’ll have to sneak him a message.”

“But how?” Klaus asked as Sunny pointed to the ground, Klaus looked down to a see one of the friendlier snakes slither up his leg. “Great idea, Sunny.” 

Monty was listening to Stephano ramble on about something he clearly knew nothing about when he saw one of his favorite snakes, Petunia, slithering on the floor of the reptile room. He wasn’t sure...but it seemed like something had been written on his snake. He looked to Stephano, who hadn’t noticed the snake and was giving his opinion about one of the possible expeditions that Monty was considering. He knelt down and picked up Petunia as she wrapped herself around his arm, he could read the word ‘imposter’.

“Peru is a wonderful place. The beaches. The people. Lax guardianship laws.” Stephano commented.

Monty looked up from the snake that was curling herself on his arm. “I’m sorry did you say ‘lax guardianship laws’?” 

“Did I say that?” Stephano asked and then he shook rapidly. “...the darn...neurotoxins…”

“Ah, Stephano. You have a marvelous gift for storytelling.” Monty said noticing the children in the doorway. “Doesn’t he children.”

“Pesstrione,” Sunny commented, which meant, “Not really. Although he’s worse at acting.” 

Klaus just gave a low chuckle at Sunny’s comment.

“Here, Stephano, I was wondering if you could milk Petunia, here, for me,” Monty said trying to hand Stephano the snake. Stephano looked at the snake and backed up. 

“Petunia? Um...well...you see...the milking...uh...sure I’ll take a shot...they uh...they used to call me Ol’ McDonald back on the...milking lab. Cause I’d milk these things all day long.” Petunia hissed at Stephano which caused him to nearly drop her. 

“Well, while you do that. I am going to get the rest of my groceries from my jeep. Klaus. Sunny. Would you come help me?” Monty said. 

“Yes. Dr. Montgomery. Of course.” Klaus said happily. As the three walked out, Sunny turned around to face Stephano who was glaring at the children. Sunny raised both of her tiny hands behind Klaus’ back and flipped Stephano off with both hands. Stephano glared harder at the young infant, who merely stuck her tongue out at him as Klaus, Monty, and herself went outside to the jeep. 

“I got your message,” Monty whispered to Klaus and Sunny once they were outside. “Don’t worry, I know.”

Klaus looked up at Monty. “Wait, you do?”

“Don’t look at me. Pretend you’re talking to Sunny.”

“Okay...but…”

“I am so sorry, Baudelaires. I had no idea that our enemies would catch up to us so quickly. It’s clear now that I can’t turn my back for a second.”

“Our?” Sunny asked.

“Wait...so you recognized him?”

“Well, of course, I recognized him, children. I’m not some half-witted banker or some member of a High Court, who’s too naive that I can’t see what’s right in front of me. He can wear as many lab coats as he wants. He’s no more a lab assistant than I’m a three-mouth Brazilian waxed turtle.” Monty whispered.

“So what are we going to do? Call the authorities?” Klaus asked hopefully. 

“What does H-A spell?” 

“Ha!” Sunny chimed in.

“Exactly! Do you think that when I was climbing Mount Felix searching for the goat-eating cobra that I called the authorities? No.”

“But…these two situations don’t...they’re not similar.”

“If we call the police or Mr. Poe or the official fire department, or the volunteer fire department, that so-called lab assistant will have us in his clutches before they can darken my doorstep. And we all know Stephano does not work alone. We must keep an eye on Stephano. He will join us for dinner and then we’ll invite him to the movies tonight. A man that dastardly must be watched like a hawk.”

“Wha?” sunny asked utterly confused and giving Monty a look of pure annoyance.

“That’s all you’re gonna do? Keep an eye on him?” Klaus asked his smile and hope was fading fast. 

“For now, Baudelaires. We’ll be watchful and wary…, which is a word that around here means ‘very careful’.” 

“We know what wary means….it’s just…”

“Good. Because we can’t afford to turn our backs, not even for a second.” He whispered. 

“Dr. Montgomery, I really think we ought to contact the authorities,” Klaus replied. Before Klaus could further explain the situation though, Stephano came out rushing out of the house.

“Well, I finished milking Petunia.” He said quickly glaring towards the Baudelaires. “I was wondering if one of you could show me where the kitchen is? I would like to help you prepare dinner, Dr. Montgomery.” 

“Capital idea,” Monty replied then turned to the children. “We can finish this discussion later, my dears.”

“But...Monty…” Klaus began but Monty shot him a glance that meant that he and the Baudelaire children would finish their discussion about Stephano later. Klaus sighed but followed the two adults in while carrying Sunny.

During that evening, the Baudelaire orphans felt more terrible than they had since they first got to Dr. Montgomery’s. During the entirety of dinner’s preparation, Stephano kept the children under constant surveillance, making sure that they couldn’t possibly talk to Monty alone and Monty was too preoccupied to think that anything unusual was going on. As Klaus and Sunny stood in the doorway of the kitchen, Stephano smiled menacingly at the children as he sliced mushrooms, but Monty had his back turned to the children and Stephano the entire time focussing on not allowing his sauce to boil. 

Both Baudelaire children felt like their hearts were in their stomachs. They didn’t know what they were going to do. Stephano was here with a scheme to get their fortune, but neither child could figure out just what that would be. Klaus took his baby sister to the dining room and sat her down beside him. Sunny looked up at her big brother.

“Quidiam?” Sunny asked in a low whisper in case Stephano was eavesdropping on hers and Klaus’ conversation, which meant, “What do you think he’s planning?” 

Klaus sighed. “I don’t know, Sunny. I don’t know how he can get our fortune by pretending to be a lab assistant.” 

“Rannap?” Sunny asked, which most likely meant, “Do you think he’s trying to kidnap us?”

“Possibly. Although I don’t see how that would win him our fortune.”

“Quoiepro,” she replied, which meant, “Maybe he’ll hold us for ransom?”

“If that’s his plan then why hasn’t he done it, yet? He had a perfect opportunity to take me when we were unloading the canoe.”

“Nowit,” she replied, which was her way of saying, “Maybe he doesn’t want any witnesses.”

Klaus’ eyes got wide as he looked to Monty. Sunny was making perfect sense. If Olaf was planning on simply kidnapping the Baudelaire orphans and using them as leverage against the bank to hand over the Baudelaire fortune...then Monty was in more danger than Klaus and Sunny had initially thought.


	19. The One When the Snickets and the Baudelaires See the Same Movie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, y'all I am super sorry that this chapter is so long. This is definitely an outlier. When you read it you'll probably see why it was so long. I tried my best to find places to cut it but there wasn't a single place that seemed right. So thank you all for supporting this fic and I hope you like this chapter. A lot of work went into it. 
> 
> -Susan

** _Chapter Eighteen:_ **

_ The One When the Snickets and the Baudelaires See the Same Movie_

Violet Snicket was lost in many thoughts. It felt like her world and everything she knew for sure was falling apart because she felt like she didn’t know anything about anything. She didn’t know anything about her past, she barely knew anything about either one of her parents. She was sure now that her birth mother did not want her. There was so much evidence pointing to this and barely any that cooperated with her father’s version of events. She was trying so hard not to fall apart and cry, she knew that her father was in the other room. She knew that if she started crying that she would never stop and if that happened he’d eventually find out about what she knows and how she knew it. She knew there was a clear difference between a frustrated cry and a depressed cry. She wouldn’t be able to convince him that her waterfall of tears was about her invention not working. She took a deep breath and tried to convince herself that further investigation will bare the truth about everything. She was taken out of her train of thought when she heard the phone ring. She looked up curiously. _ No one ever called here. _ She thought. _ They must have the wrong number. _

“I got it, sweetheart!” Her father called out from the bathroom as he walked over quickly to answer it and before Violet had a chance to question him about it, he walked back from where he came and closed the door behind him. She heard the door lock which caused her to stand up. 

Violet walked stealthily to the door that her father had just closed and locked. Violet knew that the key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught. After she was close enough to the door, she took her locket from around her neck, unclasped it and placed it on the floor in front of her as quietly as she could. She did this, in case her father was to open the door unexpectedly, she could claim that she was merely picking up her fallen locket. Once her locket was in place, she pressed her ear to the door.

“What are you talking about?” she could hear her father saying into the phone.

“You need to go to the theatres...tonight.” the voice on the line said.

“Jacquelyn...I can’t...I simply can’t.” he said fast. Violet’s heart started beating. _ Jacquelyn? _Why was her father talk to a woman? Did he have a secret girlfriend?

“Snicket...why must you make this difficult. You need to go.” Jacquelyn replied.

Lemony sighed. “And why do I need to go to the theatres tonight?” Violet put her hand over her mouth as her jaw began to drop. _ He did have a secret girlfriend! _

“A certain film will be playing, I need you to make sure that Dr. Montgomery gets the message.” 

“Why can’t you?” Lemony asked irritated.

“Because that would compromise my disguise.”

“Why don’t _ I _ just give Monty the message then. In-person.” Lemony asked. Violet was confused. _ Who’s Monty? What message? _She frowned. She wished she had her commonplace journal with her. She tried to think if any of her father’s letters mentioned anyone by the name of ‘M’.

“Because a certain piece of shit is, unfortunately, going to be there as well. I’ve seen him and he’s arrived.” 

“Then why don’t you apprehend him!?” Lemony asked irritated. At this point, Violet wished she could hear was Jacquelyn was saying to her father because none of this was making any sense. It was like the damn letters all over again.

“Sorry, Snicket but that’s not a part of the plan. Trust me the children are safe.”

“Doubtful. Very fucking doubtful.” He replied.

“Trust me. I’ve got this. But I need you to go to that theatre, make sure Monty goes to see _ Zombies in the Snow _and make sure he receives the message within the subtitles using the Sebald Code.” Jacquelyn reiterated a bit irritated with Lemony.

“I’m not sure I can…” he said. Violet frowned, her father had begun speaking in incomplete sentences so she had no idea what this Jacquelyn lady was saying to her father. Whatever it was he seemed irritated. 

“Snicket. You do your part...I’m doing my part. I have the whole place on twenty-four-hour surveillance.”

“Wait...how?”

“A magician never reveals her secrets.”

“You’re not a magician, you’re a volunteer,” Lemony replied rolling his eyes. _ Volunteer? _Violet thought, closing her eyes trying to concentrate on the letters and the telegram and even the poem. Was the word ‘volunteer’ ever used. It sounded so familiar but she didn’t know why exactly.

“Yes, I volunteered to help you with this crucial mission. So do your part, please. Also, I might need you out here soon. I’ll let you know after Montgomery comes home from the movies. I’ll watch his actions and based on that, I will call you back with further instruction.” Jacquelyn said.

“Can I get a time? Because I have my…” Lemony stopped. “I have my...prior commitments.” 

“You’re a strange man, Snicket. Have a good time at the movies. Make sure you wear a disguise.” 

“Obviously. Thank you. Goodbye, Jacquelyn.” Lemony said. With that Violet quickly knelt down to retrieve her locket and managed to get back to her invention before her father was even able to open the door. 

Lemony came into the room with a look of pure annoyance on his face. “So who was that?” Violet asked.

“Oh? Huh? Oh. Nobody.” Lemony said as he began to collect his things.

“You rushed to answer the phone, though. That doesn’t seem like nobody.”

“Honey, if I said it was nobody...that means it’s nothing for you to worry about,” Lemony replied still irritated.

“So who is she?”

“She...how’d you know it was a she?” Lemony asked stopping dead in his tracks.

“Hmmm...call it woman’s intuition.’ Violet said laughing.

“Funny. You’re not a woman, Vi. You’re a little girl.”

“I’m a _ young woman.” _She corrected, now having the same annoyed tone that her father has. “But seriously, who is she?”

“Nobody.”

“I call bull.” 

“Violet...she’s a friend,” Lemony said scrambling to grab a few more things and shoving things into his pocket.

“Not a girlfriend?” Violet asked as Lemony looked at her. 

“No, not a girlfriend. You know I still love your mother.”

“Well...that may be so, but...fourteen years is a long time to wait for someone,” Violet said frowning remembering that Beatrice had declined her father’s marriage proposal.

“Sometimes you meet the one...that you simply can’t get over. That is who your mother is to me, Vi.” Lemony said quickly opening one of the drawers in his desk and grabbing a cylinder and shoving it in his pocket.

“Where are you going?” Violet asked.

“Out. Don’t wait up.”

“I wanna go.”

“What? Why? I’m going to work.” Lemony said.

“You just got home from work. Wanna try again?” Violet asked putting her hands on her hips. 

Lemony looked shocked at Violet’s sudden smart mouth. “Don’t get smart with me, Violet.”

“Don’t lie to me,” she said simply.

He sighed deeply and frowned. “Violet, I am serious. Don’t get smart with me like that. Show some respect. There’s a difference between kidding around and being downright disrespectful.”

“Lying is disrespectful,” she said simply.

He put his hand to his mouth and sighed deeply again. “Violet. Stop.”

“Why can’t you tell me where you are actually going?”

Lemony looked at his daughter and frowned. He knew there is one of two ways that this questioning was going to end. Either he was going to have to abruptly leave like he did after the kitchen fires or he was going to have to lie. And thankfully for him, Violet handed him a good lie on a silver platter.

“You want the truth?” Lemony asked her.

She nodded her head.

“I_ am_ going out...with the woman on the phone. Her name’s Jacquelyn.” He lied.

Violet looked at him and studied his facial expressions. She couldn’t tell if he was lying to shut her up or if he was legitimately telling the truth. “Really?”

“Yes. I’m going to the movies...with Jacquelyn tonight.” 

“What movie you going to see?”

“Some zombie movie. She’s a big horror fan.”

“Why haven’t I met her? Why haven’t you told me about her?” She questioned trying to catch him in a lie.

“Because I didn’t know how you would feel about this. I’m not even 100% sure that this going to work out and I didn’t want to get your hopes up, kiddo.”

Violet glared at him. If he was lying, then damn was he good. That answer was pretty fucking decent, but Violet had this gut feeling that she could not trust him. “Oh,” she replied.

Lemony pulled her into a hug. “Look, I’m sorry that I lied to you and I’m sorry that I have my share of secrets about my past that I know you are dying to find out but..._ I promise Violet, _ one day when you’re older you will learn all about the people I’ve befriended and the dangers that I have faced, and the adventures that I’ve had... _ I promise. _” 

Violet looked up at her father. “...when?” 

“Soon. I don’t know exactly when...but soon.” He released Violet and headed towards the door again. “I’ll be back later after my date...don’t wait up.”

“Don’t worry...I won’t.” Violet replied frowning.

“I love you my Purple Lemons.”

She chuckled. “I love you, too, Mr. Lemons.” 

And with that, he smiled at her and headed out the door. Violet closed the door behind him. She had to find out if he was lying or not. His story that he so effortlessly sold her didn’t add up with his phone call, well, what she could hear from his phone call. She decided that she wasn’t going to sit home today. She was going to the movies.

___________________________________________________

Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire barely touched their dinner. Not only were they both not that hungry but they didn’t trust Stephano one bit. He had helped prepare the food with Monty but neither child was sure if it had been secretly poisoned. They hadn’t paid much attention to him as he was to them, doing his very best to not allow them a moment alone with Monty. Monty noticed that the children had not touched their meal. 

“Now, children. Please let’s eat quickly. We don’t want to be late for the movies.” Monty commented.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. “We’re...not really hungry,” Klaus commented glaring at Stephano from across the table.

“I don’t think I’ll be joining tonight. I thought I’d stay in and read up on poisonous venoms.” Stephano commented as he finished his plate of food. Klaus and Sunny’s eyes got wide as they looked from Stephano to Monty.

“Well, Stephano, you must join us. We must celebrate your arrival.”

“In all honesty, I prefer long-form television to the movies. It’s so much more convenient to consume entertainment from the comfort of your own home.”

“Maybe...he’s right, Monty. I mean, Sunny and I do prefer books rather than movies.” Klaus commented trying his best to not leave Stephano alone in this house.

“Now, Klaus. Don’t be silly. You were excited when I mentioned it earlier.” Monty replied to Klaus and then turned to Stephano. “I insist you come.”

“And I insist upon staying,” Stephano replied. “Maybe you and the baby can go to the movies and I’ll stay here with the boy. Maybe he and I can get better acquainted.” Stephano lifted his head so that his shiny eyes met Klaus’ scared ones. Klaus gulped.

“Encahntaf!” Sunny shouted, which was her way of saying, “Fat chance, asshole.” 

Stephano simply glared at the infant.

“You know what...Dr. Montgomery is right. We should all go to the movies to celebrate your glorious arrival, Stephano.” Klaus said after taking a few deep breaths.

“I still insist on staying.” 

“Well, with all due respect...I feel a little uncomfortable leaving my reptiles alone with a relative stranger.” Monty insisted after a minute.

Stephano sighed. “Fine. I’m just going to need to make a brief phone call.”

“The phone is in the parlor.”

“Be right back,” Stephano said standing up and giving a quick glare towards the children. He walked out rather quickly keeping an eye on the children until finally, he disappeared around a corner.

“Monty...we really have to tell you something,” Klaus whispered. “It’s about Stephano.”

“Klaus, we will talk after the movie. Now please eat.” 

“But Monty…” Klaus began.

“We cannot be late for this very special film,” Monty said sternly.

“I...I get that but you have to listen to me. Stephano is…”

“Klaus. We will not speak another word of it until after the movie.” Monty said standing up.

Klaus sighed angrily. Tears were forming in his eyes. He looked to Sunny and they both shared a look of utter disappointment and terror. Monty was never going to let them talk. He was never going to let them explain to him who Stephano really is. Klaus frowned. He really wanted to believe that Dr. Montgomery was going to be able to keep them safe, but alas, Klaus and Sunny were both slowly realizing that no_ one would_ be able to keep the two children safe. 

Stephano rushed back into the dining room. “So what did I miss?” he asked.

“We were just about leaving for the movies once the children have finished their dinner,” Monty stated as he began to clear the table.

Once the children had picked at their food enough to where Monty was satisfied. He ushered everyone to follow him into his jeep. 

“Shotgun!” Stephano called out like a child. Both children rolled their eyes. Monty walked them over to the jeep and proceeded to open the door for them. Klaus handed Sunny to Monty as he squeezed behind Stephano’s seat in the limited room the villain left for the children to get in. 

“In you go, Klaus,” Monty said helping the young boy get into the jeep.

“Tick tock. Don’t want to miss the previews.” Stephano hissed in a low whisper.

Klaus held out his arms to take Sunny from Monty. Monty then closed the car door and walked around the back, stopping to wipe something off his car.

“First off, fuck off,” Klaus whispered harshly to Stephano.

“Fucker!” Sunny chimed in, once again flipping off Stephano.

Stephano rolled his eyes. “Didn’t your parents ever teach you to respect adults.”

“Again, fuck off.” Klaus hissed. “We don’t know what you’re up to, but we will find out. ...If...if..if anything happens to my sister or me, you’ll never get your hands on the Baudelaire fortune.”

Stephano looked in the rearview mirror to make sure Monty was still wiping off his car and then he turned around facing the Baudelaire orphans. He pulled out his knife and showed the blade once again to the children, stroking it with his hand and smiling first at little Sunny and then at a terrified Klaus. “If I wanted to harm you..._ again... _orphan, your blood would be streaming out of this car like a waterfall.” He began in his normal voice. Klaus shuddered. “No, I am not going to harm a hair on any little Baudelaire head. At least, not on purpose...and not yet. But accidents happen all the time, don’t they?” 

Klaus sat back further in his seat and put Sunny on the seat next to him, shielding her with his arm. Just as Monty began to open his door, Stephano quickly slid the knife back into one of the inner pockets of his jacket. 

Once again using his grating Italian accent he said, “And that is when I said to him, “The frog is the greatest reptile known to man’.” 

“Frogs are amphibians.” Klaus corrected.

“Duh!” Sunny chimed in.

“What?” 

“Stephano, where did you study herpetology?” Monty asked as he started up the car.

“What? I don’t know anything about mouth sores.” Stephano replied.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and then facepalmed. “_ Herpetology,” _Klaus repeated. “Not herpes.” 

Stephano ignored the children and Dr. Montgomery, he turned up the volume on the radio. “Ooh, I love this song!” 

_______________________________________________

Violet looked around the bathroom first. If she was going to sneak out and follow her father, she couldn’t let him see her or at least, she couldn’t let him recognize her. She looked at her hair in the mirror. At first, she debated if she should cut it. She even had the scissors in her hand but at the last minute, she threw them down into the bathroom sink. _ Nope. Nope. NOT going to happen. _Violet loved her long brown hair even though it did get annoying when she was trying to think of inventions. But that’s what her hair ribbons were for. She refused to cut her hair. She’d have to figure out another way to disguise her hair. She tried putting it in a ponytail, then two pigtails, then a bun. All styles she didn’t really care for. She sighed. Maybe she could stuff her hair into a hat or a cap. 

She rummaged through her father’s things until she found a black top hat. _ This will do. _ She thought as she quickly put her hair into a messy bun again and slipped the hat on. _ Perfect! _ She looked around the bathroom for something she could use to disguise her face. Being only fourteen and having a single father and being homeschooled, Violet had never felt the need to have make-up. There was only one time a year where she asked her father to buy her make-up, and that was Halloween. Every year she always had extras so she began scanning the bathroom for that. Finally, she found white face paint, black eyeliner, and black lipstick, colored contacts, and imitation blood in the back of the bathroom drawer. She thought long and hard for what she could transform herself to be with these materials. The only thing she can really think of was a mime. _ But why would a mime be at the movie theatre? _She sighed. Mimes were people, too. They had to enjoy entertainment as well as everyone else. She quickly went to work on plastering the white face paint on her neck and face entirely. This disguise gave her an excuse to not speak even if her father speaks to her. She’s a mime, she’ll stay completely silent. That way he couldn’t see through her disguise by recognizing her voice. She began to apply a heavy coat of eyeliner to her eyes. After she applied the black lipstick, she looked at herself in the mirror and could not help but laugh. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t entirely terrible. 

She walked over to her dresser looking for her black and white striped shirt, a pair of her black jeans. She then began to rummage through more of her father's things looking for his suspenders. She was glad that she picked to disguise herself as a mime because she was certain she had every piece to that costume at her disposal. She even had a pair of weight gloves. She looked in the mirror again to apply the brown colored contacts to her eyes. She knew that her father would recognize her blue eyes, she did get those from him after all. That’s the only part of her face that screamed her father, everything else was Beatrice. 

_ Beatrice. _ She thought as she looked down at her locket. She frowned. She would have to take it off. It was a dead giveaway. She _ hated _not having her locket with her. But she knew that if she was seen by her father that the locket would be more of a dead giveaway than her hair ribbon or even her eye color. Slowly she unclasped the locket from around her neck and held it in her hands tightly. She stuffed it into one of the front pockets of her pants. That way it was still with her even if it wasn’t around her neck. She took one more look into the mirror deciding that she was satisfied with the way her disguise looked. She couldn’t believe she was actually doing this. 

_ I’ll have to get there after everybody and leave right before the movie is over. _She thought. She sighed, she hated spying on her father especially if he was really on a date with this Jacquelyn lady, although Violet truly doubted that. She didn’t believe that he was on a date. She didn’t know what he was doing but she was going to find out soon enough. She quickly cleaned up her mess and her material. She grabbed some of her birthday money so she can pay for the ticket and before she heads out the door, she grabbed a pen and her commonplace book.

_____________________________________________________

Monty stepped up to the ticket seller. “Hello, old chap! Two adults, two minors.” 

“Dr. Montgomery. Long time no see! I’m giving you the _ Verified Film Discount.” _ the ticket seller replied handing Monty four tickets.

“Ah, lovely. Thank you, old chap.” Montgomery replied as he and Stephano began to head in.

The ticket seller noticed Klaus and Sunny slowly walking behind them. “Enjoy the show, children,” he said waving at them. 

“Thank you...we’ll try,” Klaus replied as he followed the two adults to the concession stand.

“Klaus, does Sunny like popcorn? Maybe she’d like a soft pretzel. You two could share.” Monty commented.

“She likes popcorn...she prefers the kernels, though,” Klaus replied.

“Montgomery, I’ll get the popcorn for me…, I mean for all of us,” Stephano commented.

“Really?” Klaus asked.

“My treat,” Stephano replied. “You guys go get our seats and I’ll get the popcorn.”

Monty nodded his head and began to walk the Baudelaire orphans to their seats. “Seventh row, right of center, that is the best place.” 

Klaus smiled. “That’s...what our mother always said.”

“Who do you think taught it to me?” He smiled as he sat down. “You know, kids, I am so happy to be seeing a movie with you. Your parents would be so very proud. I know they would.”

Klaus looked at Monty confused. “For seeing a movie?”

“There’s more to a movie than just a movie, Baudelaires. Just like a book can contain crucial secrets about the world.”

“Ehh?” Sunny asked.

“What my sister means is, we’re not sure we’re really following you.” 

“Ah, you two have so much to learn. Unfortunately, some of that learning is going to be a bit delayed tonight, because of you-know-who.” Monty whispered. “Promise me this, if I leave during the showing, you will not act as if anything is amiss, but you’ll keep your eyes on Stephano.”

Sunny began to whimper. Klaus looked to Monty. “We promise.” He frowned. He wasn’t fully understanding what was going on. He just wanted the movie to end so that he and Sunny could talk to him about Stephano. Before Klaus had the chance to try to convince Monty about Stephano’s true identity, Stephano was back and walking in the aisle that the three were sitting in. 

“I got the popcorn!” Stephano said as he passed Monty. Stephano was holding a gigantic container full of popcorn that was spilling on to Monty. “This one is for me,” he said pointing at the big container, passing by Klaus and Sunny effortlessly spilling popcorn on them as well. “And this one is for the rest of you,” Stephano said handing Klaus a rather tiny pitiful container of popcorn. 

Monty glanced at it and frowned. “Your generosity is noted, Stephano.” 

“My name is not, uh...anything but Stephano.” He said as he sat down next to Klaus just as the previews began. Sunny glared at Stephano and hissed at him making Stephano hiss at her back. Klaus set her on the side of his lap further away from Stephano.

_______________________________________________________

Lemony rushed down to the only movie theater that was in town. It just so happened to be on the side closer to Montgomery’s house. He had to park his taxi a few blocks away. He had decided to disguise himself when he got to his destination. He was utterly annoyed with this whole thing. He knew involving himself in VFD meant disguises and taking down pieces of shit. He also knew that once again involving himself in anything VFD related meant going out in public, but that doesn’t mean he had to like it. 

He held his spyglass in his hands as he tried to remember the Sebald Code. It’s been nearly fourteen years since his last involvement in VFD and the last mission he had done for them ended in complete and utter disaster he feared that this, too, would end in disaster. He even debated whether or not just kicking Olaf’s ass. Jacquelyn did say that Olaf had arrived at Montgomery’s. But what was his plan? What was his angle? Surely, Montgomery Montgomery would recognize Olaf if he was in disguise. Wouldn’t he? When Jacquelyn had spoken to him after they saved the Baudelaire children from Count Olaf’s house, she was nearly certain that Montgomery would have the children indicted into VFD. So wouldn’t he be pretty active in VFD? Lemony knew there was a schism within the organization but that didn’t mean everyone decided to do their best to try to act like it didn’t exist. That was only something that he, Beatrice, and Bertrand planned to do. 

He sighed as he placed the spyglass into his pocket. He knew he would have to go in _ after _Montgomery and the kids. He had to be seated behind them. Not too close to cause suspicion but not too far to where he couldn’t see if Monty received the message or not. He got out of his car and took his disguise kit out of his trunk. He knew he had to dress casual. He was a plain, ordinary man that is here to watch a simple movie. 

___________________________________________________

Violet exited her house and looked around making sure her father and his taxi weren’t anywhere in sight. Once she got to the street she thought of something. _ How was she going to get all the way to the movie theater? _She counted her birthday money. She didn’t know how far the movie theater was from her house but she hoped she had enough money for a ticket and a ride in a taxi. She signaled a taxi. 

She was quickly greeted by a man with circular glasses who wore a chauffer’s hat. 

“You need a ride young lady.” the taxi man asked.

She smiled and nodded remembering that mimes were usually quiet.

“Please hop in.” she heard a voice call out to her. She looked confused at the driver. She had heard someone speak to her but his lips didn’t move. She looked around curiously before the taximan laughed. 

“Sorry, that’s my brother. He works the breaks.” the taximan commented. 

Violet peered into the taxi and sure enough, the driver’s seat was pushed back enough to give him sufficient room. Violet saw that there was indeed a man handling the pedals on the floor. She looked curiously at the two men. _ Who the hell drives like this? _She thought but she didn’t have too much time to waste so she got in anyway.

The ride was long. She practiced her miming by signaling to the taximan who controlled the steering wheel that she was in a hurry and she was wanting to go to the theater that was showing the zombie movie. The things she couldn’t mime out, she wrote down. She glanced at the passenger seat and noticed a stack of books had been placed in the seat. She read over the titles. She could see titles like _ Lord of the Flies, Ana Karenina, A Tale of Two Cities, Jane Eyre, Nineteen-Eighty Four, Of Mice and Men _to name a few. The man noticed her looking at the books. “I read to my brother between fares. Have you read any?”

She nodded and smiled. Slowly pointing at the ones she had read.

“Which one do you recommend we read first, miss.” 

She pointed to the _ Lord of the Flies. _

“Well, thank you miss. Squeak, ain’t she a lot nicer than that bald piece of shit we drove down Lousy Lane a while ago.”

“Oh, most definitely, Pip.” Squeak replied from the floor. 

Once they got to the movie theater, Violet tried to hand them twenty dollars, but the taximen both shook their heads. “Keep your money, miss.”

Violet smiled but then tried to hand the money over again but this time as a tip.

“You don’t have to worry about paying us...if you are who we think you are. Are you who we think you are?” Pip asked.

Violet looked curiously at the two men. She honestly didn’t understand the question. She didn’t know many people at all. She really only ever knew her father. _ Are these friends of my father? _ She thought but dismissed the notion entirely. Any friends that her father had were so far in the past now because of all the lies that _ The Daily Punctilio _had spread against her father. So she shook her head no in response to their question.

“Mime,” she whispered to the men and tried once again to hand them the tip. “I insist.” 

The men looked at one another but took the money. “Are you going to need a ride back home, kid?”

She nodded her head quickly writing down when she believed that the movie would be over. 

“Nice doing business with you, miss.”

“Enjoy your evening, miss.”

Violet nodded and watched as the taxi drove away, no doubt going to find a spot to park and read the book. Or maybe they’d find a quick passenger or two while she was at the movies. 

Violet mimed around before seeing her father. He was at the ticket counter. She nearly laughed out loud from what he was wearing. He was wearing a wig that made his hair look rather long as if he was a skater or even a stoner. He had a fake beard attached to his face. She could see that even at the movie theater he was wearing sunglasses to hide his face. She just looked at him for a few moments trying not to make it obvious that she was staring at him. She knew that sometimes he had to disguise himself when he went out in public, but she had never seen him dress like this. He was in a baggy shirt and sweatpants. If she didn’t know her father so well, she probably wouldn’t have recognized him. Which worried her. If she easily recognized him...would he be able to recognize her. 

“I’m going to need the Verified Film Discount,” Lemony whispered in a laid back tone.

“Ah, I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion,” the ticket seller whispered back unable to recognize Lemony. He had to make sure that Lemony was a part of their secret organization.

“The world is quiet here,” Lemony whispered back in response. The ticket seller smiled and nodded his head as he handed Lemony the ticket.

“Good luck, old chap.” the ticket seller called out to Lemony as Lemony nodded his head in response and walked into the theater. Violet allowed a couple more people to go in front of her before stepping up to the ticket booth.

“One for…” she began as she peered up at the movie posters. “..._ Zombies in the Snow…” _she was grateful that there was only one zombie movie playing at this local movie theater because she was unable to hear the title of the movie her father had asked a ticket for. 

The ticket seller gave her a puzzled look. He handed her a ticket as she mimed away. She made her way to the concessions stand, she wanted to buy herself sometime so that when she arrived at the room where the movie was playing, it would be dark. She looked around for an employee who can sell her some snacks. In the farthest corner, she saw two elder white-faced twins who were currently taking the order of a tall, thin, bald man with a really long beard. She walked over and stood behind him, patiently waiting behind him. After a minute of back and forth whispering, the two white-faced women walked away without even taking her order. She looked confused. The man in front of her glanced behind him and jumped a little noticing her. 

“What are you supposed to be?” the man asked in a rather rude tone.

She looked to him and then herself. _ Wasn’t it obvious? She was a mime. _She thought. She silently gestured to her clothing and make-up.

“Kid, it’s not Halloween.” the man commented rolling his eyes at her.

She looked at him with an annoyed face. “I’m a mime.”

The man gave a low chuckle. “You do realize mimes are supposed to stay silent.”

She glared at him and rolled her eyes.

“Beat it, kid,” he muttered.

“I’m waiting for my order to be taken,” she mumbled trying her best to play the part of a mime and stay silent but this guy was being really rude and kept staring at her which made her feel slightly uncomfortable.

“The line’s over there.” 

“But I just saw two workers…” she began before he turned around to completely face her.

“They’re off work...bout to start their second job,” he commented as a grin began to form on his face. He took a minute to stare at her, which made her _ extremely _uncomfortable. “Hmmm...you’re a pretty girl...what’s your name?” he asked.

Violet’s heart began to beat rapidly in her chest. _ Did this creepy old fucker just call her ‘pretty’? _She felt like she wanted to barf. There was no way, she was giving him her real name. “...I really shouldn’t be talking to strangers.” She commented and tried to turn to walk away. But he grabbed her gloved hand rather quickly.

“What’s your name?” he asked again but this time with a tone of voice that sent chills down Violet’s spine. 

“...uhm…L-Lilac.” she lied. _ Really Vi? ‘Lilac’ oooh so original. Just another purple flower. _She thought to herself as she regretted blurting out the first thing that came to mind.

“Well, Lilac the mime. My name is...Stephano. Did you want some popcorn? Some candy? I’ll buy, my treat for a pretty little mime.” he said giving her a smile that not only made her want to throw up but made the hairs on her neck stand up. He lifted his other hand to stroke her cheek, but she moved her face away from his vile hand.

“I...I...really should be going.” She said as she forcefully slid her hand out of his and quickly walked away.

She ran into the women’s restroom to catch her breath. She tried to throw up in the toilet, but nothing came out. She shuddered at the whole altercation. All she wanted to do was buy a soda. _ What the fuck is wrong with people? _She thought. She took a look in the mirror, her disguise was still intact. She would have to remember to stay silent unless that creep got near her again. If that were to happen, she’d kick him in his nuts and yell ‘STRANGER DANGER’. 

By the time that she got into the theater, the movie had just started. The room was dark but she was able to spot her father. She sat in the very last row, that way she had very little chance of him seeing her since he was about four rows in front of her. 

_____________________________________________

Klaus and Sunny tried their best to enjoy the movie but the anxiety of being anywhere near Count Olaf was ruining the entire thing for them. As the movie began, Klaus swore that he heard Monty say, “Ah, Gustav.” He looked to Monty and watched as he pulled out a cylinder object from his pocket. Klaus nearly dropped the small container of popcorn on the ground when he realized that Monty was holding a spyglass that was eerily similar to the partial spyglass that Klaus had in his pocket.

“Monty…” Klaus began as he reached in his pocket to show Monty his spyglass.

“Shh,” Monty replied. “It’s not polite to talk during a movie.”

“But…” Klaus whispered before an elderly lady two rows behind him shushed him. He frowned and watched Monty. He was turning dials on his spyglass. “Wait, if the movie’s in English, why are there English subtitles.”

“All great movies have subtitles.” Monty absentmindedly replied.

“But that still doesn’t explain…” 

“Shh.” the elderly woman said again.

“Mima?” Sunny whispered to her brother, which meant, “Haven’t we seen that actress before?”

“I don’t think we’ve seen anything like this before, Sunny/” Klaus quickly whispered back still more focused on what Monty was doing than the movie. This caught the eye of Stephano who glared at Monty. Monty put the spyglass up to his eye when he heard a ring. Stephano stood up in his seat when he noticed that Monty was writing something down. He angrily sighed. 

“Whoops,” Stephano hissed as he ‘accidentally’ poured the whole container of popcorn on the Baudelaire kids.

Klaus looked up at him and glared while Sunny hissed “Asshole!” at him. He just smiled at the children. 

“I am terribly sorry. I’m just going to go get more popcorn,” he said stepping in front of Monty who was trying to get him to move out of the way. “Should I go this way?” he asked pointing in the opposite direction. 

“No. No. Just go that way.” Monty replied irritated.

“You’re blocking the screen!” the elderly woman shouted at Stephano who ignored her entirely. 

“I’ll go this way...no...I think I’ll go that way.”  
“Go that way!” Monty hissed.

“I feel like your elbow is telling me to go...but your hand, your finger say that way…” Stephano said moving left and right. Even getting the chance to step on Klaus’ foot.

“Bozo! You’re blocking the screen!” a middle-aged stoner shouted in a laid back but annoyed tone.

“I’m sorry,” Stephano said to Monty. “I hope you didn’t miss anything,” he said as he walked out. Monty waited a few minutes for Stephano to return. 

“Nature calls. Stephano, would you be so kind as to keep an eye on the children?” Monty said standing up and quickly walking out.

Stephano glared and stood up quickly to follow him before Klaus grabbed his sleeve. “Dr. Montgomery said to keep an eye on us. We are just poor little children,” he whispered in a fake innocent voice. “We’re too young to be left in the theater alone.”

“Goo-goo. Ga ga.” Sunny whispered. Stephano angrily sighed but reluctantly sat back down. 

_________________________________________________________________

Once the movie started, Lemony pulled at his spyglass. He glanced to the seventh row, right of center to make sure that Dr. Montgomery was doing the same. He frowned when he realized that Monty had taken Beatrice’s advice when it came to where to sit in the movie theater. That woman was wise beyond her years. He looked to the seat next to Monty and frowned at seeing both Baudelaire children sitting next to that disgusting, talentless hack. _ How can Dr. Montgomery NOT see through that shit disguise? _ It was pretty fucking obvious that that was Olaf. Lemony soon realized that maybe Monty was also out of touch with VFD. _ This was going to be a long night. _

For the most part, the movie went fine for Lemony. It hurt his heart to see Gustav knowing that the man is probably dead, but it did make him chuckle a little that Jacquelyn was also in this movie. When he heard the ring of a faint bell, Lemony opened his spyglass entirely and peered upon the screen. He glanced toward Monty to make sure he was doing the same. Which he was. _ See Jacquelyn had nothing to worry about. Monty knew what he was doing. _

He copied down the message which began ‘Hello, Monty. Danger! Take the children’ but before any more of the message could be displayed. Count Olaf stood up and poured his popcorn on the children’s heads using that as an excuse to block Monty’s view of the screen. Lemony could hear that an older woman in a few rows in front of him was not having this at all but Olaf was ignoring her entirely. 

Without drawing too much attention to himself, he yelled, “Bozo! You’re blocking the screen!” as laid back but angry as he could muster. Doing his best to keep his voice disguise. Of course, Olaf ignored him, too. But after the message had disappeared, he moved out of Dr. Montgomery’s way. Lemony watched as Olaf let the theater and returned nearly five minutes later. He was skeptical about what the piece of shit was planning. As the movie went on, he frowned when he was Monty rush quickly out of his seat and exit the theater not only leaving the children with Olaf but forgetting about the message that VFD was clearly trying to send him. Lemony kept his eyes on the children and Olaf. If Olaf tried _ anything, _ he was going to play the good Samaritan and kick Olaf’s ass. To Lemony’s surprise, the movie backtracked to around where Olaf had blocked Dr. Montgomery’s view. He looked up at where the projector was and smiled to himself. _ See, Monty has everything under control. The man knows what he’s doing. _He sat back comfortably in his seat as he wrote down the rest of the message and kept a close eye on the children.

____________________________________________________________________

Violet sat in the far corner in the back row. It wasn’t a good spot for viewing the movie, per se, but it was a good spot to watch her father without him knowing. Violet did pay some attention to the movie but only because she was confused about why the subtitles were in English but yet the dialogue was also in English. She was confused by the faint bell noises that she heard. She noticed though that every time she thought she heard a faint ring, her father would lift some cylinder object that looked somewhat like a spyglass to his face. She wished she had one so she can see what difference it made when you viewed the movie with and without it. But no matter, every time she noticed him raise the spyglass to his face, she focused more on the film writing down some notes about her father’s behavior and what was happening and being said during the movie. 

From what Violet had seen, _ Zombies in the Snow _ was a fine, but rather confusing film. When the zombies first rose out of the snowbanks surrounding the tiny Alpine fishing village, Violet glanced at her father who still had the spyglass in hand. When the town fathers constructed a barrier of sturdy oak, only to have the zombies chomp their way through it, she noticed that her father was writing something down each time that he lifted the spyglass to his face. _ Was he receiving some kind of secret message? _ She thought. Then her heart sank. _ Codes. _ She remembered her father talking about a coding class in one of the letters she had read earlier that day. Then when Greta, the little milkmaid, made friends with the zombies and asked them to please stop eating the villagers, Violet’s heart sank for a completely different reason. Although the theater was dark due to the movie being played, she still could see the reflection of a bald head and realized that in what she believed to be the seventh or ninth row, stood the man who was acting like a complete creeper to her back at the concession stand. She watched him rudely dump popcorn on a poor young boy who she noticed kept jumping every time the zombies did a jump scare. _ That poor kid’s father is a real jerk. _She thought. She kind of felt bad for the boy. Although her father was secretive and sometimes a big fat liar, least he wasn’t a rude creeper. 

She noticed that this man, ‘Stephano’ she remembered him creepily telling her his name, was blocking the view of another man who sat on the other side of the young boy. It appears they were arguing about something. Violet jumped when she heard her father yell, “Bozo! You’re blocking the screen.” Even though he was trying his best to sound like a laid-back stoner, she knew her father’s voice. So she was really happy that she chose to be a mime. She had an excuse to simply ignore her father and walk away if she were to be caught. She watched the creepy man walk out of the theater, she guarded her face with her arms. The last thing she wanted was to be seen by that freak again. Even if she had her father in the same room, she didn’t want to deal with that man ever again. 

Violet observed her father acting as though he was irritated at Stephano for blocking the view of that other guy. She didn’t understand what the hell was going on. _ Why did he care so much? _She quickly hid her face behind her arms again when she saw the door to the theater open again and Stephano came walking back in with another huge container of popcorn. 

She began to focus more on the movie, so she didn’t see that the other man had gotten up as soon as Stephano arrived back to his seat. She didn’t see the young boy convincing who she believed to be his father to sit back down. She didn’t notice much out of the ordinary until the movie backtracked to the scene where Stephano had stood up. She looked at her father, who was smiling towards the projecting room. She looked up there and tried to see if she could see anyone smiling back at her father, but the room was too dark. She noticed he once again picked up his spyglass and wrote down another sentence before he leaned back in his seat and began to actually enjoy the movie. 

Violet leaned back in her seat but kept looking at her father every two minutes or so, to see if he was doing anything else weird and suspicious. She tried to jot down as much as she could about tonight, the movie, how her father acted when the Stephano man blocked the other man’s view. And by the time the final scene of the movie began, Violet stood up and sneaked out of the theater. She went outside and signaled for the taxi that had brought her here in the first place. During the car ride home, she didn’t say much to the two taxi drivers. Who was thanking her for her recommendation on which book to read first. Expressing that they both were enjoying the book. They even told her a little about themselves. She smiled and nodded as if she was fully listening but she wasn’t. Her mind was racing, she kept glancing back at her notes about the movie, the poem, the letters, and the telegram. Something wasn’t right. So much of this didn’t make an ounce of sense to Violet and she hated it. She knew one thing though, she had to get her hands on that spyglass or some document that her father owned that explained what that spyglass was and everything it did. 

When she got home, she rushed to the bathroom and locked the door. She had to wash off the face paint and makeup. She couldn’t let her dad see her. She wasn’t going to get caught the last second and ruin everything. But as she did that, her mind kept wandering about all of her old questions and her new questions. She didn’t know why her father was hiding and lying more than usual. She didn’t know anything about her birth mother, no matter what her father had told her about why their lives are the way they are. She no longer believed it entirely. She didn’t know why that movie was so important or why this Jacquelyn lady wanted her father to see it. She also didn’t even know who Jacquelyn was because her father had lied. He was not on a date, he was alone in a theater. 

Her mind wandered and wandered until she laid down in her bed. She closed her eyes and tried her best to fall asleep. She desperately wanted to let her mind rest but no matter how hard she tried...she couldn’t shut her mind off.

___________________________________________________________________

Once the movie had ended and the lights came back on, Klaus and Sunny looked around the theater. But there was no sign of Monty at all. He hadn’t come back yet from the bathroom. But that was like twenty nearly thirty minutes ago. Klaus held Sunny close to him as Stephano turned to the children. He grabbed Klaus’ arm harshly holding it down on the armrest. “Let’s go, children. Remember _ you’re too young to be in a theater all by yourselves _.” Stephano whispered in a mocking tone, keeping a firm grip on Klaus’ arm.

Klaus began to shake in his seat looking around for anyone to help them. As usual, no one came to his and Sunny’s rescue. Stephano stood up smiling down at both of the children with a wicked grin. “Let’s go,” he said as he pulled Klaus to his feet. He grabbed Klaus by the shoulders and began to calmly push him and Sunny out of the theater. Klaus looked around for someone to help them but no one was paying the kids any attention. The only one who seemed to notice the kids, was some middle-aged stoner, who Klaus assumed was high and disassociating, so he didn’t even bother trying to get that man’s attention.

“No funny business. You hear me?” Stephano whispered in his ear as they walked out of the room where the movie was shown. Stephano began to chuckle in a low voice while Klaus and Sunny’s hearts were pounding in their chests. They frantically looked around for Dr. Montgomery but they couldn’t find him. Klaus looked to Sunny and Sunny looked to Klaus and both Baudelaire orphans believed that they were entirely done for.


	20. The One Where Klaus Doesn't Know When to Shut the Fuck Up

** _Chapter Nineteen: _ **

_ The One Where Klaus Doesn’t Know When to Shut The Fuck Up _

Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire frantically looked around the movie theater for anyone that could help them. But no one was paying much attention to them. Stephano continued to push the Baudelaire children through the lobby of the theater as he continued to chuckle to himself.

“You know this was easier than I thought,” he commented to the two children.

“Wh-wh-what did you do to Monty?” Klaus asked shaking.

“Oh, it’s  _ nothing  _ compared to what I have planned for you two,” Stephano hissed into the elder Baudelaire’s ears. “Now keep moving!” He successfully pushed Klaus and Sunny outside into the parking lot of the theater. Klaus looked around once again for anyone that would be able to help them but to his horror, the parking lot was completely desolate. “Ah, this is just terrible...two  _ helpless  _ children all alone in the world. Whatever shall we do next?” Stephano asked in a mocking tone as they reached Monty’s jeep.

“Drive home, of course.” a familiar voice answered. Klaus and Sunny were delighted to hear this voice while Stephano looked rather irritated.

“Monty!” Klaus yelled as Stephano released his shoulders. “You’re here.” 

“Haha,” Sunny yelled in Stephano’s direction as she stuck her tongue out at the wicked man. 

“Hello, children. It’s been a long night and we have a very busy day tomorrow.” Monty said as he stared at Stephano for a long minute. “Did you enjoy the movie?”

“...yes, although it was a tad bit unusual,” Klaus replied.

“Uh, that will require some further explanation, children. Which we will discuss once we’ve arrived home and packed.” 

“Wait, pack?” Klaus asked confused.

“Again, that will be needing further explanation, my dear boy,” Monty replied turning to Stephano. “Did you enjoy the movie?”

Stephano shrugged unsure of what Monty’s angle was. 

“Well, let’s go everyone,” Monty said. “All four of us are going to have to pack for our Peruvian adventure!” 

Klaus’ heart sank. “Wait, Stephano’s coming, too.”

“Well, of course, Klaus. He  _ is  _ my assistant after all.” Monty said showing Stephano and the two Baudelaires four tickets for the  _ SS Prospero.  _

“But…” Klaus said.

“We will talk about it later, Klaus. Now come on, let us all go.”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and sighed. They were relieved but still frustrated. They were relieved because whatever Stephano had done to hurt Monty had obviously failed to see that he was alive and well but they were also very frustrated because Dr. Montgomery has yet to listen to what they had to say. The Baudelaires have been unable to explain to Monty that he was in danger and that Stephano was really Count Olaf in disguise. As Klaus and Sunny squeezed into the car once more, Klaus noticed that the middle-aged stoner was in the parking lot now, too. Klaus didn’t know any better but it seemed like the stoner was watching the children. He gave a small smile thinking that maybe the stoner would have helped them out if Monty hadn’t reappeared. But who knows. Maybe he’s just out here to take another hit before going to view another movie. 

Once they arrive back at Monty’s home. Monty turns to Stephano. “Now you can head on in and start packing. I need a moment alone with the children.”

Stephano looked first at Dr. Montgomery and then at the Baudelaires. “Are you sure. I mean I’m in no hurry to pack.”

“Please Stephano, I just need to talk to the children.” Monty reiterated.

“Well, why don’t I put the little baby to bed. I don’t see any point in keeping her out late seeing that she doesn’t even know how to talk.” 

“Sinlit!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “I may not be able to communicate perfectly but I’m still vastly more intelligent than  _ you!”  _

“See what I mean,” Stephano commented as Klaus laughed at what Sunny had said to Stephano.

“Stephano, give me a few minutes alone with my children,” Monty replied sternly. Stephano sighed but smiled at Monty as he began to walk towards the door.

“Of course,” he hissed. “I just hope the children know to _behave_ _themselves._”

Klaus glared at him as the wicked count made his way into the house closing the door behind him. 

“Children, I got your message from earlier. I’d like to talk to you about my suspicions about Stephano.” Monty whispered to the children. Both children’s faces began to glow with happiness as smiles formed on both of their faces. Klaus and Sunny looked at each other in relief.

“You do?” Klaus asked happily.

“Of course. You see after I got your message, I began to pay more attention to Stephano and I must say, he is a terrible actor.” 

“Constat!” Sunny replied in agreement.

“I don’t mean to be vainglorious,” Monty began and then looked at the children. “You do know what that word means, right?”

“Yes. It means braggy...but I don’t understand what that has to do with Stephano.” Klaus said impatiently, his smile slowly fading from his face.

“Well, you see, I really am one of the most widely respected herpetologists in the world…”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and then at Monty.

“So?” Sunny asked not understanding where Monty was going with this.

“Of course...you are, Dr. Montgomery. But…” Klaus began.

“And because of this, I’m sad to say many people are jealous of me.”

Klaus blinked. “I’m sure that’s true, but…” Klaus began, puzzled.

“And when people are jealous they will do anything. They will do crazy things. When I was getting my herpetology degree, my roommate was so envious of a new toad that I had discovered that he stole and ate my only specimen. I had to X-ray his stomach, and use the X-rays rather than the toad in my presentation. And something tells me we may have a similar situation here.” 

Both Baudelaires felt all traces of hope shatter. They didn’t know where Monty was going with this but they knew that he wasn’t going to tell the children that he has seen through Count Olaf’s disguise. 

“What are you talking about, Dr. Montgomery?” Klaus asked desperately.

“While we were preparing dinner, Stephano asked me a few too many questions about all the snakes and poisonous venoms. And do you know why?”

“Poss?” Sunny replied, which meant, “We think so...but we don’t know where you’re going with this.” Klaus was quick to translate for his baby sister.

“It is because this man who is calling himself ‘Stephano’ is really a member of the Herpetological Society, and he is here to try and find the Incredibly Deadly Viper so he can preempt my presentation.”

“Dr. Montgomery…” 

“Stephano is going to steal my snake and present it to the Herpetological Society. Because it is a new species, there’s no way I can prove that I discovered it. Before we know it, Ink will be called the Stephano Snake, or something dreadful like that. And if he’s planning that, just think what he will do to our Peruvian expedition. Each toad we catch, each venom sample we put into a test tube, each snake interview we record, every scrap of work that we do, will fall into the hands of this Herpetological Society spy!” 

Klaus shook impatiently with anger that even Sunny was a bit terrified. “He’s not a Herpetological Society spy! He’s fucking Count Olaf!” Klaus said harshly through gritted teeth glaring at Dr. Montgomery.

“I know just what you mean!” He replied excitedly. “This sort of behavior is indeed as dastardly as that bastard’s. That is why I’m doing this.” He raised one hand and waved the folded papers in the air. “As I said earlier, tomorrow we are leaving for Peru. These are our four tickets for the five o’clock voyage on the _ Prospero _ , a fine ship that will take us across the sea to South America. There’s a ticket for me, one for Klaus, one for Sunny, and one for Stephano.” His face was now flushed with excitement as he took one of the tickets and tore into teeny tiny little pieces. Klaus and Sunny looked at their guardian in silence and disappointment. “That was Stephano’s ticket. He was never going to Peru with us, I only got a ticket for him so he wouldn’t be suspicious.”

“First off, don’t you think it would’ve been easier not telling him about the expedition and secondly…” Klaus began but was once again interrupted by Monty.

“I know what I’m doing, Klaus,” Monty said excitement still worn on his face. “Tomorrow morning, I”m going to tell him that he needs to stay here and look after my reptiles instead. That way we can run a successful expedition in peace.” 

Sunny facepalmed as Klaus took a deep breath. “Monty…” 

“In any case, I know what you’re worried about…” 

“No. No. You honestly don’t. I promise you that.” Klaus said impatiently.

“You’re worried about what would happen to Ink if he stays here alone with that spy. But don’t worry, Ink will be joining us three on the expedition.” He looked at Sunny. “I don’t know why you look so glum, Sunny. I thought you’d be happy to have Ink’s company.”

“She’s glum because you’re not listening to us. Monty, Stephano is not a Herpetological Society spy...he is Count Olaf in disguise.”

“Nonsense, Klaus. I knew that bastard growing up, don’t you think I would recognize him.”

“Wait, what?” Klaus asked. “You knew him when you were growing up? Did our parents know him, too?” 

“We can discuss  _ that  _ later.” 

“No! Let’s discuss it  _ now! _ ” Klaus practically yelled.

“There is a time and a place for  _ that  _ conversation.”

“He hasn’t let Sunny and I have a single minute alone with you since he’s arrived! Don’t you think that’s strange if he were just a simple spy!” 

“Don’t worry, children. I know what I am doing.”

“No,” Sunny said shaking her head.

“Children, your Uncle Monty has the situation in hand.” He said patting Klaus on the back and smiling down at Sunny.

Klaus and Sunny felt paralyzed by how wrong Dr. Montgomery was. Monty was so wrong about Stephano being a herpetological spy rather than Count Olaf, that both siblings were at a loss of words. Neither could scarcely think of a way to tell him so.

“Come now, my dears,” Monty said as he began walking towards the front door. “We’ve wasted too much of the remaining evening on this chat. We have to-- _ Ow! Fuck!”  _ Monty interrupted himself with a cry of surprise and pain and fell to the ground.

“Dr. Montgomery!”

“Monty!” 

The Baudelaire children saw that a large, shiny object was on top of him and realized in the next moment what the object was: it was their heavy brass reading lamp, the one standing next to the large cushioned chair in their shared room.

“ _ Ow!”  _ Monty said again, pulling the lamp off him. “That really hurt. My shoulder may be sprained. It’s a good thing it didn’t land on my head, or it really could have done some damage.”

“Monty, where did it come from?” Klaus said hoping that common sense would take over and Monty would realize what the fuck just happened. 

“It must have fallen out of the window, Klaus. Wait. Isn’t this your guy’s lamp? Klaus, you must be more careful. You can’t dangle heavy objects out of the window like that. Look what happened.”

Klaus looked at Monty with pure surprise and annoyance. “I didn’t do anything!”

Monty gave him an incredulous look. “Are you trying to tell me that  _ Sunny  _ dangled the lamp out the window. Come now, Klaus. She’s an infant.”

Klaus looked ready to kill someone. “I can’t lift the damn thing! Besides that lamp wasn’t anywhere near our window. We keep it on the other side of the room where the reading chair is.” 

“Well if you didn’t do it and Sunny obviously didn’t do it. Then who did?” Monty asked standing up and handing him the lamp. 

“Hmm...I fucking wonder who.” Klaus said irritated.

“Language.” 

“Wha fuck?” Sunny asked.

“See why you shouldn’t say those words, Klaus. Your sister looks up to you and we don’t need her saying those words.”

“She cusses more than I do!” Sunny just nodded and clapped at this statement.

“Klaus. Stop. Do you honestly expect me to believe that the lamp danced over to the window and leaped onto my shoulder? Please put this back in your room, in a safer place, and we’ll say no more about it.”

“But…” Klaus started.

“We will say no more about this. Put the lamp away and meet me in the Reptile Room. We have some packing to do before bed.” Monty reiterated as he walked inside the house. Klaus and Sunny looked at one another in silence. 

Klaus begrudgingly picked up the lamp and gestured for Sunny to follow him. 

“We both know  _ damn well  _ where we had this lamp. That we were  _ not careless  _ with the damn thing.” Klaus said looking back at Sunny as they slowly climbed the stairs.

“Adrem,” Sunny commented. “You know Olaf did this on purpose.”

“Yes, I know Stephano did this shit on purpose. But Monty won’t listen. He thinks Stephano is a damn herpetological spy.”

“How clever of you to figure that out, Sunny.” said a voice at the top of the stairs. Klaus was so surprised and startled that he nearly dropped the heavy lamp. They glared up at Stephano. 

“You’re not very clever yourself,” Klaus said fiercely holding the lamp as some sort of shield. “This heavy brass lamp almost hit us, and if anything were to happen to both my sister and me, you’d never get your hands on our parents' money.”

“Dear me, dear me,” Stephano replied, his grimy teeth showing as he smiled down at the two children. “Like I’ve said before if I wanted to harm  _ you,  _ orphan, your blood would be pouring down these stairs like a waterfall. I don’t have any plans on harming any Baudelaire  _ in this house.  _ You needn’t be afraid of me, little ones until we find ourselves in a location where crimes are more difficult to trace.”

“Minare?!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “And where the fuck would that be? We plan to stay here until we grow up!” Klaus was happy to translate for his sister.

“Really?’ Stephano replied in a sneak voice. “Why, I had the impression we were leaving the country tomorrow at five o’clock.”

“That’s what you think!”

“Klaus…” Sunny replied looking at her brother. Her eyes begging him to shut up.

Stephano glanced at the boy in confusion. “What do you mean by that, orphan?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Klaus said as Sunny breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ah. I see...you’re bluffing.” Stephano said smirking at the poor boy. 

“I’m not bluffing,” Klaus said through gritted teeth.

“Klaus…” Sunny said again realizing immediately that Stephano was purposefully trying to get under her brother’s skin.

“Sunny...I got this.” Klaus replied.

“Silly little orphan. You’re so afraid of me, that you’ve resorted to bluffing. Acting as though  _ you  _ have the upper hand in this game.” Stephano said in a belittling tone. “Such a silly, naive little boy.” 

“Klaus...no.” Sunny whispered.

Klaus glared at Stephano. “You won’t be going with us to Peru, bastard!”

“Uh, I don’t have time for your tricks, orphan. Now if you’ll excuse--” Stephano began as Klaus interrupted him.

“Dr. Montgomery tore up  _ your  _ ticket!” Klaus replied triumphantly. “He was suspicious of you, I wonder why. So he changed his plans and now you’re not going with us!”

Sunny looked at her brother and facepalmed. She knew her brother was an intelligent young boy but sometimes he had his moments of being the biggest dumb ass in the room. Sunny knew that this was one of those moments. “Klaus…” She said again in disappointment as Stephano’s smile turned into a scowl and as his eyes got shinier, his smile returned. 

“I wouldn’t rely on that,” he said finally in a terrible, terrible voice. “Even the best plans can change if there’s an accident.” He pointed one spiky finger at the lamp. “And accidents happen all the time.” 

Klaus tried to lift the lamp so he can use it as a weapon towards Stephano. Stephano laughed at the failed attempt to look intimidating. “You can’t even lift it. What you gonna do? Toss it up here and hope it doesn’t fall back on to you and Sunny?”

“Fuck off,” Klaus said harshly. “Don’t you dare touch us!”

“Oh, I won’t...well not until Peru. Then you’ll be well acquainted with  _ this, _ ” he said taking out the long knife from his pocket. Stephano laughed as Klaus’ eyes got wide. He turned and left the Baudelaire children on the staircase.

That night went as well as expected. Klaus and Sunny met up with Monty in the Reptile Room, both still trying their best to convince Monty that Stephano wasn’t a spy but was actually Count Olaf. Monty was either too busy packing to truly listen to the children or he simply didn’t believe them. As Monty began to place suitcase upon suitcase by the door of the Reptile Room, Klaus tried to imagine a way in which Stephano could get aboard the  _ Prospero  _ without a ticket and accompany them to Peru. When Monty listed off books that he wanted Klaus to pack, Sunny tried to think of ways that the two siblings could defeat Stephano’s plans, whatever they were. When Monty asked Sunny to cut a few yards of rope with her teeth, both siblings were concerned with exactly what Stephano had meant when he spoke about accidents. The children did notice that there was no sign of Stephano for the rest of the night and they couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

When they were finished packing, Dr. Montgomery offered the two children a nice cup of hot chocolate and some marshmallows before bed. To their surprise, he had come back into the room and began to play his autoharp. He began to sing a song, a song that sounded eerily familiar to Klaus but he couldn’t place his finger on it. He did notice that Monty did not sing the chorus but rather hummed it. 

“When we drive away in secret, you’ll be a volunteer. So don’t scream when we take you: the world is quiet here.” Monty sang as Klaus looked at him confused.

“I think...I think I know that song. My mother used to sing it to me...I...I think.” Klaus said shaking his head. 

“She most likely did,” Monty replied.

“I’m not sure…it sounds familiar but...it doesn’t.” Klaus said. “What is it called?”

“The Little Snicket Lad.” 

Klaus rubbed his temples and closed his eyes. “Nope. The title doesn’t ring any bells. But I swear she sang that to me before...or maybe I read it.” He frowned. Not only did he miss his parents but he felt bad because memories of them were fading. He didn’t understand how he had an impeccable memory. 

Monty studied the children for a second. Both wore frowns upon their faces. He smiled at them. “You know...one day, it’s going to be alright. We’ll be around people who understand you, people who are like you. People who appreciate unique children who can read and memorize everything that he reads and who can...bite things.”

“Souffle!” Sunny chimed in, which meant, “I don’t just bite things...I’m starting to be curious about cooking.” Klaus translated for his sister smiling down at her. 

“Monty...why are we going to Peru exactly?” 

“Excellent question Klaus. You see, not only does Peru have natural and slithering beauty. But it may also have the answers to your questions.”

“How?”

“I know you have oodles of questions, especially after that movie, tonight. If my parents hadn’t taught me about this when I was your age, Klaus, my head would be dizzy with confusion. Well, once we disembark in Chimbote, you will have all the answers you need.” 

The two Baudelaire orphans looked at one another and smiled. They both were unsure as to how Peru would have all the answers that they had been seeking out since the fire that turned their lives into a complete disaster but at this point, they didn’t care where they would get the answers just as long as they would actually get answers to their questions. 

“So what do you say, Baudelaires?” Monty asked. “Are you in? Do you volunteer?”

Klaus looked at Monty wondering why he had asked that strange question. He shrugged it off as maybe it was just Monty’s way of wording it.

Sunny nodded as Klaus replied, “Yes. We’re in. We volunteer.”

“Lovely!” Monty said excitedly. “Your parents would be so proud.”

“You were right, Monty. Life  _ is  _ a conundrum of esoterica.”

“Well said, my boy. Well said.” Monty said giddily. He began to explain to the Baudelaires what their first few days in Peru would be like. 

“It sounds wonderful, Monty.”

“Snakes!” Sunny yelled.

“Doesn’t it.” He replied smiling at the two children. At that moment, Monty frowned. He looked at Klaus and for some reason, all he could see was Beatrice. Then he peered at Sunny, and all he could see was Bertrand. He sighed missing his friends, his colleagues, his associates. He missed them dearly. He remembered all of the volunteer work they had done together. All the missteps and the fuck-ups. The good times and the bad times. He smiled up at the children and then said, “Look, children, I know that the loss of your parents was a great tragedy. But you can still have the life they wanted for you.” Monty said as Klaus and Sunny looked down to the ground sadly. “Your parents would be so proud of you,” he said after a minute. 

Monty knew for sure that his dead friends would be proud of their children but he didn’t know whether or not he was doing the right thing. He hadn’t spoken to the Baudelaire parents in quite some time, so he didn’t know if they had ultimately decided on how much involvement VFD will have in their children’s lives. He believed that this is what they would have wanted for Klaus and Sunny. It was what his gut was telling him, and since no one could prove his gut wrong, he decided to go with it. 

“Time for bed.” He said after another long moment of silence as he contemplated whether or not to go through with this plan. He picked up Sunny from Klaus’ lap. “Oh, Sunny, it seems that you finished all your marshmallows.”

“Yum,” she replied.

“It seems like we finally found a soft food that you like after all,” Monty said staring at Sunny. Sunny reached her arms around his neck and hugged Monty. Klaus smiled at this. Monty looked like he was going to start happy crying. When he turned to start heading up the stairs, something caught Klaus’ eye. On Monty’s hip was his spyglass. The same one that he had randomly used to watch part of that movie. The same one that was also eerily similar to the spyglass that Klaus held in his pocket. He quickly took it out. 

“Wait, your spyglass I saw one just like that in our father’s desk..”

“We’ll have time to chit-chat about that later,” Monty asked turning to Klaus.

“But what does it mean? What does it symbolize? Why does it have the same design of an eye that Count Olaf has on his ankle?” Klaus asked quickly.

“Let me tell you what,” Monty said sighing. “The second that we step foot on that boat, I will answer any and all questions that you two have. Starting with the spyglass.” 

Klaus frowned. He would prefer to have his questions answered right here, right now. No better time like the present, his father always said. But he nodded at Monty.

“You promise?” Klaus asked. “Remember, I don’t forget.”

Monty chuckled at this as he walked with Klaus upstairs to the children’s shared bedroom. “Yes, I promise. And remember I don’t make promises that I can’t keep.” 

Klaus chuckled. “I know.” 

They reached the top of the stairs and headed towards their bedroom but Klaus stopped in his tracks when he saw Stephano walking from the bathroom to his bedroom. “Goodnight children. Sleep tight.”

Klaus and Sunny completely ignored him as they followed Dr. Montgomery to their room. “Oh, and if you children get restless during the night, I’m right down the hall. And I am a  _ very light  _ sleeper, in fact, I hardly sleep at all.” He said eerily. 

Monty placed Sunny next to Klaus and smiled. “Well, more on all that tomorrow, children.”

Sunny smiled up at her guardian. 

“Goodnight, my Baudelaire bambini.”

“Ni-nigh.” Sunny yawned as she curled closely to Klaus. Monty gave her a small smile and then placed a gentle hand on Klaus’ injured shoulder nodding his head slightly. He stood up heading for the door.

“Goodnight...Uncle Monty,” Klaus said before Monty could leave the room. Klaus didn’t see it, but Monty’s faced turned into one of pure joy and happiness. It was the first time since the Baudelaires have arrived at his house that Klaus had called him ‘uncle’. All his hard work trying to prove himself to the children was finally paying off. He knew that Sunny already trusted him since the first day. But Klaus was different. He knew it would be a bit harder to get Klaus to look past his pass experiences and open up to him, to be able to trust him, to be able to be comfortable enough with him. So when Klaus finally referred to him as ‘Uncle Monty’ it melted the poor herpetologist’s heart. 

“Sweet dreams. And tomorrow Peru.” He said as he walked out turning off the lamp. 

Klaus shifted in his bed, he held on to Sunny like some sort of teddy bear. It was silly, but he felt safer than the other night. Since the fire, both children had felt so alone. So unloved. So unwanted. They both knew that they had each other and they would always have each other, so in a sense, they were each other’s rocks. Each other’s foundation in a world that has been going topsy turvy for too long now. Klaus didn’t care that his nemesis was in the room across the hall because he was feeling calm. He was feeling safe. Sure, Monty didn’t believe him and Sunny when they tried to explain to him that Stephano was Count Olaf. But Monty had fixed the problem. Yes, under the wrong notions but...he was leaving Stephano here while the three of them escaped to Peru for who knows how long. He thought about everything that was to happen tomorrow. His mind wandered to every single question that he planned to ask Dr. Montgomery the second they stepped foot onto the  _ Prospero.  _ He wondered what questions Sunny would add to the list. He fell asleep with the hope that maybe, just maybe once they reached Peru he and his baby sister would be safe. Count Olaf would not be able to find them in a foreign country. 

Monty walked to the hall and stopped at the picture of the piano. “We miss you, dearly,” he said looking at the picture and wiping a tear from his eyes. “They’re finally safe.” He began to walk himself back to the Reptile Room to begin reading from the books that he had bought from the store. He could hear the screeching iguana clock in the distance.

I’m sorry to say that this was the last time the screeching iguana clock would strike before the unpleasant arrival of dramatic irony. But as Uncle Monty had promised, no harm would come to the Baudelaire orphans in the Reptile Room. But I regret to say that great harm would come to Uncle Monty. 

Sometime during the night, Klaus woke up believing that he had heard a strange noise coming from downstairs, he carefully got out of bed not to disturb Sunny. He quietly and slowly began to open his door remembering Stephano’s warning to the children. Before he was able to open his door wide enough to sneak out and investigate. A ray of light from what he assumed was a flashlight appeared in his direction. “Do you have a hall pass?” a voice called out to him. He realized immediately that it was Stephano. 

Klaus quickly shut his door as he heard Stephano chuckle saying, “I guess not.” He locked it afraid of what Stephano might do if he were to make his way into the bedroom. Klaus paced back and forth around his bedroom for what seemed like an eternity before dismissing the sound as Stephano just making a ruckus while patrolling the children’s door. Klaus laid back in bed and allowed the mixture of his hopes and fears to carry him back to sleep. They just had to make it until morning. Then they would be on the fast track to Peru without Count Olaf. 


	21. The One Where Sunny Sees the Inside of a Suitcase

** _Chapter Twenty:_ **

_ The One Where Sunny Sees the Inside of a Suitcase _

There is no word to describe the feeling of waking up and knowing instantly that something is terribly wrong or more accurately if there is such a word I have not learned it. But I am sad to say that Klaus Baudelaire would have used that word when they rose to find that dawn had awoken them, and their Uncle Monty had not. Klaus quietly exited the bed doing his best to not disturb his sleeping baby sister. Still in his pajamas, he raced downstairs and headed towards the Reptile Room. The entire house had an eerie and quietly feeling that made Klaus uneasy.

“Uncle Monty, are you in here?” Klaus called out. “Monty!” He made his way inside the Reptile Room as he reached Monty’s herpetological library, Klaus could see that Uncle Monty was sitting in a large chair with his back turned to him, he noticed that Monty was slouched over and the room was cold and uninviting unlike it had been the day he and Sunny arrived at Dr. Montgomery’s. “Uncle Monty?” Klaus called out again hoping that Monty was simply sleeping. Nervously, Klaus walked around the chair to face his uncle and his heart sank in his chest the moment he laid eyes on Monty. Monty’s mouth was slightly agape as if he were surprised, and his eyes were wide open, but he didn’t appear to see Klaus. “No…” Klaus muttered under his breath choking on his sobs. Klaus could see that most of Monty’s face was pale, the rest being blue and looking cold. Klaus could see the veins along the left side of his face. Under his left eye were two small holes, right in a line, the sort of mark made by the two fangs of a snake. Klaus took a quick step back and covered his mouth with his hand. “Uncle M-Monty…” he was able to say through tears. 

We all know that our time in this world is limited and that eventually all of us will go to sleep, never to wake up. But that didn’t change how Klaus Baudelaire felt that morning in the room his uncle had filled so carefully with specimens, and in which he was now a sort of specimen himself. Klaus could feel his entire body and mind feeling numb with overwhelming grief and horror. His grief was not only for their Uncle Monty but for the tender hope that he and Sunny had found a home again which thanks to a villainous actor was now slowly crumbling away

Klaus stared silently at his uncle’s dead body unsure of what to think and unsure what to do. Klaus knew who had done this to his uncle. Klaus knew why this was done to Uncle Monty and that didn’t help his grieving process. Klaus noticed that Monty had a stack of books on his desk and one opened in front of him, none of them appeared to be about snakes or Peru. Klaus leaned in closer to take a better look.

“ _ My, my, my, my, my.”  _ said a voice from behind him. Klaus jumped and wiped tears out of his eyes. He just stared at the bastard who slowly walked into the Reptile Room. Klaus didn’t react, he continued to stare at Monty’s lifeless body, unable to speak or to move. “What a terrible accident. Whoever discovers this will be very upset. ‘For in that sleep of death what dreams may come.’”

“...you murdered him…” was the only thing Klaus was able to say. His voice was choking on tears as he glared daggers at Stephano.

“Why, Klaus, I’m surprised. A smarty-pants boy like you ought to be able to figure out that your jolly old Uncle Monty died from a snakebite, not murder. Look at the teeth marks on his left cheek. Look at his cold, waxy face....look at his unblinking eyes.” Stephano replied in his normal voice walking closer to the traumatized boy.

Klaus put his hands to ears and closed his eyes. “ _ Stop it! Stop talking like that!”  _

“You’re right. There’s no time for chitchat. We have a ship to catch and I’d like to board in time to have a bottle of wine before lunch.” Just like magic, Stephano made the three remaining tickets appear in his hands. “Peru. We’re going to Peru.”

“ _ I wouldn’t go to the end of the fucking driveway with you, much less international waters!”  _ Klaus yelled. 

Stephano merely shrugged turning around. “Well, then I guess I’ll have to take my own luggage.” He said simply as he lifted up one of his suitcases and oddly shook it. Then as he turned to leave, he purposefully hit the suitcase roughly against the wall. A tiny, frightened voice shrieked from inside the suitcase. 

Klaus’ eyes went wide as he hurriedly followed Stephano outside. “ _ Sunny!”  _

Stephano reached Monty’s jeep, opening the trunk and placed one of his two suitcases in it ignoring Klaus. “Let her out this instant! She won’t be able to breathe!” Stephano placed the other suitcase laying down into the trunk.

“I am so tired of having to explain everything to you. You’re supposed to be so smart, and yet you persistently seem to forget about  _ this _ .” Stephano replied turning to Klaus holding out his knife in full view of the orphan boy. Klaus’ eyes managed to get even wider than before and he looked at Stephano with a face full of fear. “Don’t worry. I’ll leave some breathing holes for her.” Stephano replied as he roughly stabbed the suitcase nearest to him about five times.

“ ** _No! Stop!”_ ** Klaus shouted as loud as he could. Tears appearing in his eyes again. He looked up at Stephano with pleading eyes. 

“I’m kidding,” Stephano said in a mocking tone. “That’s not the suitcase she’s in...I don’t think.” 

“ _ Please don’t harm her! She’s...just an infant!”  _ Klaus begged as he felt his whole body starting to shake. 

“Then get in the car!” Stephano yelled. Klaus balled up his fists as he once again glared daggers at Stephano. 

“Take her out of the fucking suitcase!” 

Stephano growled as he grabbed Klaus’ arm and practically threw him into the side of the car. He swiftly placed the tip of the knife under Klaus’ chin. Klaus froze and looked down in horror as Stephano gave a wicked grin. “Do you see this? This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you...almost as eager as I am. If you don’t do what I say, you  _ will  _ suffer bodily harm.  _ Is that clear enough for you!? _ ” Stephano snarled into the boy's ear. Klaus slowly inched his head enough to nod. “ ** _Now, get your ass in the damn jeep before I set that fucking suitcase on fire!” _ ** Stephano yelled in his face releasing the boy. Klaus trembled rapidly as Stephano opened the door of the jeep and gestured with his knife, ushering Klaus to get in, all the while glaring at the boy. 

As Stephano began fidgeting with the gears of the car, Klaus had a brief hope that the engine wouldn’t start when Stephano turned the key in the ignition, but this was a futile hope. Uncle Monty took excellent care of his jeep, and it started right up. After he forced himself to calm down enough to where he was able to somewhat talk, Klaus looked from the trunk behind him to the repulsive villain that occupied the front seat. “P-please...jus-just don’t...don’t hurt Sunny.” he pleaded. 

The villain looked back at him through the rearview mirror and gave Klaus a terrifying smile as he looked at him with shiny eyes. “Maybe I’ll keep  _ you  _ alive...you’re much more fun to play with.” Stephano snarled as he maniacally laughed. Klaus shuddered and turned behind him focusing on the trunk as Stephano still toyed with the controls.

“Really, there’s no one to blame but yourself.” Stephano commented, “If you hadn’t told me that Monty ripped up my ticket, I wouldn’t have had to kill Monty and you two would be safely on your way to Peru.” 

Klaus felt a wave of guilt rush over him as Stephano’s words registered in his mind.  _ I did this. I made him kill Monty.  _ He thought to himself as Stephano yelled. “God, I hate driving stick!” 

“You’re just going to leave him there?” Klaus asked still in heavy thought about what he had done. He imagined Monty’s corpse decaying in the Reptile Room and wondered when anyone else would stumble upon it.

“Trust me, he doesn’t mind. Of course, after they discover he’s dead, they’ll wonder what became of the two repulsive orphans he had lying around the house. But you’ll be long gone, and I’ll be taking advantage of Peru’s extremely lax guardianship laws.” Stephano said as he finally got the gears of the car to cooperate with him. “Ah, there we go.”

“You...you can’t take us out of the country,” Klaus said trying to reach back behind him to let his baby sister out of the suitcase.

Stephano drove down the straight, long driveway that leads to Monty’s house as he turned around to face Klaus. Klaus retracted his hand quickly hoping that Stephano hadn’t noticed what he was trying to do. “And who’s going to stop me?” 

Before Klaus could answer he noticed that another car was headed straight towards the jeep. “ _ Look out!”  _ he yelled as Stephano quickly looked ahead noticing the car. Both the young boy and the villain screamed. Klaus put his hands up over his face to shield his head and face, as Stephano swerved the car roughly to avoid the oncoming vehicle instead hitting one of Monty’s snake-shaped hedges which to Stephano’s horror and Klaus’ relief began tilting towards the car breaking the windshield into millions of teeny tiny pieces and smashing the front hood of Uncle Monty’s jeep.

Now, it’s extremely rare for an accident to be a fortunate event, and luckily for the Baudelaires...this was one of those times. Stephano angrily exited the car and growled when he saw smoke coming from the engine. “Blasted furnaces of Hell!” Klaus realizing that Stephano was distracted hurriedly got out of the car and rushed to the trunk of the car. “What were you thinking careening down that driveway like a maniac!?” Stephano yelled at the other driver.

“Me? I was driving well below the speed limit.” the familiar yet irritating voice replied as he began to cough. 

Klaus simply turned his head still focused on getting his baby sister out of the suitcase. “Oh, thank God. Mr. Poe!” he said. Stephano’s eyes got wide as he realized that Klaus was right. As Mr. Poe coughed as though he was dying…[one could only hope]...Stephano grabbed Klaus by his shoulder, the boy froze over. “This changes  _ nothing! Absolutely fucking nothing!”  _ he hissed into Klaus’ ear. “This is a bit of luck for you, but it is your last! The two of you will be back in this car with me and heading toward Hazy Harbor in time to catch the  _ Prospero, I promise you.”  _

“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep,” Klaus said in a shaky, but sarcastic voice.

“Ooooh...you are  _ so deceased.” _ Stephano hissed back as he released the boy’s shoulder and stood up to greet Mr. Poe. Klaus hurriedly went back to taking his sister out of the suitcase. 

“Klaus Baudelaire?” Mr. Poe questioned. 

“I’m so grateful that you ran into us…” 

“Well, I wouldn’t say that. It was clearly the fault of the other driver.” Mr. Poe commented. “Wait, weren’t there two of you?”

Klaus opened the suitcase containing his baby sister as Sunny smiled up at him. He smiled back at her checking her over, thankful that she wasn’t harmed during the car accident. As he gazed down at her, it reminded him of the time when she was six weeks old. The day they became best friends. He picked her up and held her close to him, ignoring his bruises, ignoring the pain. At this moment in time, he didn’t care. He held his baby sister close to him as he walked behind Mr. Poe. 

“Ah, there’s the baby,” Mr. Poe said smiling at Sunny, who gave him the cold shoulder. Refusing to acknowledge him at all. “You’re not Dr. Montgomery. Who are you and what you doing with the Baudelaire children?”

“Oh, we’ll tell you who he is…” Klaus began. “He’s…”

“Please, Klaus,” Mr. Poe admonished. “It’s not polite to interrupt.”

“Hello, my name is Stephano. I’m Dr. Montgomery Montgomery’s new assistant. I mean, I was. I mean I don’t how to say it.”

“Uncle Monty’s dead,” Klaus informed Poe as Sunny let out a small whimper. 

“That’s how you say it.” 

“Wait, he’s dead? But that...that’s terrible. How did it happen?” Mr. Poe asked as he coughed again.

“He was murdered,”

“He was bitten by a snake,” Stephano said at the same time glaring down at Klaus. “I was on my way now to get the coroner. The children were too hysterical to be left here alone.”

“He wasn’t taking us to a coroner. He was kidnapping us and taking us to Peru!”

“What? See? The boy is definitely hysterical.”

“No, the children must be confused. Dr. Montgomery was taking them to Peru. Last night he called me to insist on me rearranging my morning plans to bring them the rest of Klaus’ belongings and their passports.”

“Can’t you see, Mr. Poe? That’s Count Olaf! He’s in disguise and he’s trying to kidnap us!” Klaus yelled frustrated. 

“Who am I? What am I doing?” Stephano asked, patting Klaus’ head. “Don’t you miss the vivid imagination of childhood, Mr. Foe.”

“It’s Poe and I never had one,”

“An imagination or a childhood?” Stephano asked.

“Nepunctum!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “That’s not the fucking point!” which Klaus was happy to translate.

“Klaus, watch your language.” Mr. Poe commented.

Stephano smirked towards the Baudelaires, “Mr. Yoe is right, you children should  _ behave. _ ” 

Klaus began to shake as Sunny growled at Stephano. “Veniat!” she yelled, which meant, “Leave him the fuck alone, you bastard. Or I will kill you!” Klaus was too shaky to translate for her so she continued to growl at Stephano.

Stephano turned to Mr. Poe, “As you can see the children are obviously distressed. Dr. Montgomery and I were going to take the kids to Peru today.”

Mr. Poe looked to Klaus. “Klaus, I know you’re confused and upset over this accident, but please try to understand that if Dr. Montgomery is dead, the expedition is canceled.”

“Fuck off!” Sunny yelled angrily at Poe’s direction seeing that her brother was still shell shocked and unable to speak for himself. 

“Clearly, this is a matter for the adults to discuss, children. Obviously, the coroner needs to be called.”

Stephano’s eyes shined brightly as he realized an opportunity had been thrown his way. “Well, why don’t you drive up to the house and I’ll take the children to get the coroner.”

“ _ Jose!”  _ Sunny shrieked, which meant, “No fucking way!” 

“Why don’t we all go to the house and call the coroner?” Mr. Poe suggested. Stephano blinked and for a second his face grew angry again before he was able to calm himself and smoothly answer, “Of course. I should have called earlier. Obviously I am not thinking as clearly as you, Mr. Toe. Come now, children. Let’s get back in the jeep and Mr. Toe can follow us.”

Klaus finally able to get over his shellshock looked to Stephano. “We’re not getting back in that car with you,” he said firmly.

“Please, Klaus, try to understand. There has been a serious accident. All other discussions will have to be put aside.” 

“But Mr. Poe…”

Mr. Poe ignored Klaus and glanced at his car, finally having the time to look for the damage. “The only trouble is, I’m not sure my car will start. It’s very smashed up.”

“Try the ignition,” Stephano suggested. Mr. Poe nodded and walked back to his car. He sat in the driver’s seat and turned the key. The engine made a sharp, wet noise, which oddly sounded like his own coughs, but it didn’t start.

“I’m afraid the engine is quite dead,” Mr. Poe called out still sitting in his car.

Stephano leaned towards the children. “And before long, you will be too,” he muttered to the children. 

“What was that? I couldn’t hear you,” Mr. Poe replied getting out of his car.

“I said, that’s too bad. Why don’t I take the orphans back to the house, and you walk behind us. There isn’t room for everyone in Montgomery’s tiny jeep,”

“But Klaus’ suitcase is here. I don’t want to leave it unattended. Why don’t we put the luggage into your car, and the children and I walk back to the house?”

“Well, one of the children should ride with me, so I won’t get lost,”

“Irrumabo!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “You can literally see the house from where we’re standing. How would you get lost?” and Klaus was quick to translate.

“Mr. Poe can’t you see he doesn’t want us alone with you. He’s afraid that we’ll tell you who he really is and what he is actually up to!” Klaus pleaded.

“What’s he talking about?”

Stephano shot a fierce glare towards Klaus and Sunny as he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea, Mr. Toe.”

“It’s  _ Poe.”  _

Klaus had enough of this bullshit. “This man is not Stephano. He’s Count Olaf in disguise!”

“Who?” Stephano asked.

“Count Olaf is a terrible man who abused the children and tried to steal their fortune. The children are very terrified of him,” Mr. Poe explained.

“He sounds terrible...yet handsome,” Stephano commented. “But...do I look anything like this Count Olaf?”

“No, you don’t,” Poe replied coughing again. “Count Olaf has one long eyebrow and he has a very short beard. You have a very long beard, and I hope you don’t mind my saying so, no eyebrows at all.”

“He shaved his eyebrow!”

“Cresbarba!” Sunny shrieked, which probably meant, “he grew his beard!” which Klaus translated.

“ _ anyone  _ can fucking see that!” Klaus shouted in annoyance.

“Easeaieye!” Sunny shouted, which probably meant, “Except Mr. Poe of course!” 

But instead of translating for his sister, Klaus’ face beamed bright with an idea. “The tattoo! He has a tattoo!” Klaus cried. “He has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle! Mr. Poe look at the tattoo!” Klaus shot Stephano a triumphant look. Stephano shot him a worried look back.

Mr. Poe looked at the children and then at Stephano. “I’m sorry to ask you this, Mr. Stephano. But just to put the children’s minds at ease, would you be so kind as to show us your ankle?”

Stephano again shot a worried look the Baudelaire’s way as smiles began to form on both children’s faces. He sighed and in a defeated tone, he said, “I’d be happy to…” he gestured to his ankles. “Right or left?” 

Klaus closed his eyes and thought for a second. “Left,” he said.

Stephano placed his left foot on the bumper of Uncle Monty’s jeep. Looking at the Baudelaire orphans with a worried expression on his face underneath his shiny, shiny eyes. He began to raise the leg of his stained striped pants ever so slowly. As if he was afraid of what was about to happen next. Finally, the pant leg went up, like a curtain rising to begin a play. But to both children’s dismay and shock, there was no tattoo of an eye to be seen. The Baudelaire orphans’ smiles faded fast as they both realized that Stephano had built the suspense only to torment them some more. Klaus and Sunny stared at a patch of smooth skin, as blank and as pale as their poor Uncle Monty’s face.


	22. The One Where the Herpetological Society Drops By

** _Chapter Twenty-One:_ **

_ The One Where the Herpetological Society Drops By _

Lemony was careening through the city in his taxi. He had told Jacquelyn that he would much rather prefer to travel via secret tunnels but she explained to him that time is of the essence but she wouldn’t explain to him what that meant until he arrived at Dr. Montgomery’s. Lemony assumed the worst had happened because when you work for VFD that is usually what would eventually happen. Lemony sighed. He was hoping the authorities wouldn’t pull him over. He was driving an awful like his damn sister. He chuckled to himself.  _ Okay, maybe I’m not driving that bad.  _ He thought to himself remembering when he was stupid enough to ask his older sister to teach him how to drive. What a nightmare that was. It ended with the two siblings driving through a couple of hedges and nearly driving the taxi into a pond. Jacques, their brother, was not happy. Ever since that day, Lemony was always a bit terrified to get into a car that his sister was driving. He frowned. He missed both his brother and his sister terribly. He silently imagined what kind of uncle Jacques would be and what kind of aunt Kit would be. Jacques would be that serious but sometimes fun uncle. He’d be the one to give her life lessons when she needed them but would also play the silly games that every little girl wanted to play. He probably would have offered to test out each and every one of her inventions for her. Kit would be the trouble-making, sarcastic aunt. Letting Violet get away with anything. Sneaking the child sweets behind Lemony’s back and teaching her skills that Lemony would prefer she not learn. He laughed to himself, imagining scenarios in his head of his siblings being able to be in his daughter’s life.  _ There was no way in Hell that Kit would teach my daughter how to drive.  _ His laughter turned to sadness when he realized that Violet was missing out, and it was all because of him. She will never get to meet her mother, she has never gotten the chance to meet her aunt and uncle, and she will never meet her half-siblings. Lemony punched the steering wheel in anger. He sighed. This wasn’t fair...none of this was fair to his daughter. He spent the next several minutes driving silently. 

After a few minutes, his mind went back to wandering about his siblings. How have they spent the last decade and a half of their lives? He had a feeling they were both extremely loyal to VFD but he wondered had they started a family? Was  _ he  _ also missing out on being an uncle? The last time he saw Jacques, he was briefly dating Larry. He was unsure if that ever went anywhere. He imagined that whoever Jacques settled down with, he’d probably have one, possibly two children. Unless he allowed VFD to get in the way of living his life, which wouldn’t surprise Lemony. The last time he saw Kit, she was engaged to Olaf. He made a face of disgust, shaking his head. His sister always had the worst taste in men. He knew that after certain events that Olaf had retracted his marriage proposal to Kit as Beatrice had done the same to him. Maybe that was the best thing to happen to Kit. He knew deep down that at first she was probably heartbroken but she was strong. She probably got over it and began dating someone else. He wondered if she had any kids either.  _ Nah, Kit was too afraid to be a mother.  _ Which was true. Due to the Snicket siblings' involvement in VFD, the children hadn’t known their parents and they were orphaned at a young age. Kit always had issues even thinking about becoming a mother, she didn’t know how...she hadn’t been able to learn from her mother the basics of childcare. Lemony knew deep down that his sister would have made an excellent mother.

Lemony began coughing as the stench of Lousy Lane began to infiltrate his nostrils. “God damn!” he yelled. He knew why Lousy Lane smelt like this, he understood that it was a bit necessary but it didn’t make the smell any better. He followed Jacquelyn’s instructions and drove around Dr. Montgomery’s property so he’d be able to hide his taxi. Once he parked, he sat waiting for Jacquelyn. Eventually, a woman completely covered in bronze make up approached his taxi. Another man who was driving what appeared to be a moving truck approached. Lemony looked at the woman, realizing that it was Jacquelyn and then looked worried at the approaching vehicle.

“No need to worry, Snicket. He’s with me,”

“You brought  _ another  _ person to help us!” Lemony asked annoyed. “What part of ‘don’t tell anyone’ did you not understand!?”

“With Gustav down for the count I assumed you would be grateful to find you another helping hand for your quest to save the Baudelaire children,” Jacquelyn said. “At least come meet him.”

“Oh, we’ve already met,” the man said as he exited his vehicle and walked towards the taxi.

Lemony looked to the man and saw that he did, in fact, know the man from his past.

“It’s nice to see you again, Jac-” the man began before taking a longer look at Lemony. “You’re not Jacques Snicket.”

“You’re very observant, Larry,” Lemony said laughing extending a hand out the taxi window.

“No...no...you’re dead,” Larry said looking from Jacquelyn to Lemony.

“No. I am alive and...well, I’m alive,” 

“Does...does Jacques know?”

“No. Neither does Kit and I hope to keep it that way,” Lemony said glaring at Jacquelyn. “But who knows how long  _ that  _ will last with Miss Jacky showing more and more people that I am alive.”

“We’re going to need more help, Snicket,” she said rolling her eyes.

Lemony shook his head fiercely. 

“Lemony, I am only here because the word has gotten around about Gustav’s death,” Larry said finally shaking his old friend’s hand. “I promise, whatever your terms are. I will agree with them.”

Lemony studied him for a second. “You won’t say anything to my siblings.”

“If you don’t want me to, then no. Although, I do agree with Jacquelyn. Both Jacques and Kit would be very helpful.”

Lemony shook his head. “Too dangerous.”

“Then mums the word,” Larry said smiling. 

“So even with your history with Jacques, you won’t say anything.”

Larry shook his head. “Unfortunately, your brother and I have not spoken in quite some time.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,”

“Oh. I’m completely over it. We have stayed friends over the years. But as of recent, I haven’t really spoken to either him or Kit.”

“Do you think they’re dead?” Lemony asked worriedly.

“Oh. Heavens know. You should know it’s hard to kill a Snicket. You’re living proof of that.”

Lemony chuckled at this. “I guess you’re right.” 

“Well, since introductions have been made. I hate to tell you boys, but Dr. Montgomery is dead. He was found this morning by the Baudelaire boy.”

“Wait,” Lemony said looking at Jacquelyn. “How...how did Monty die? You were here. You said you had everything…” he began and then noticed that all of her visible skin was painted bronze. “Why are you bronze?”

“Well, I was disguised as a statue,” Jacquelyn said. Both Lemony and Larry looked at her in utter confusion. 

Lemony opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. Then he opened his mouth again and instead of speaking, he sighed.

“Are you okay?” Jacquelyn asked.

“...I’m just making sure that I completely understand. You...you stood out here...you stood outside for who knows how long and  _ allowed  _ Monty to be murdered?” Lemony asked still not fully understanding what Jacquelyn’s plan was.

This time Jacquelyn was the one opening her mouth to speak but she was at a loss of words. In her head, this plan made perfect sense but now that Lemony was saying it out loud, she began to realize how useless and idiotic this plan actually was.

“What the fuck! What sense does that make!?” Lemony yelled.

“Ummm...I wouldn’t yell right now…” Larry muttered.

Jacquelyn simply shrugged her shoulders. “I infiltrated didn’t I?”

“In all honesty? No. No! You stayed outside. Allowing that bastard to kill Monty and nearly kidnap Beatrice’s children!”

“Lemony...I would advise not yelling,” Larry muttered again.

Lemony gave an angry sigh in response as he rubbed his temples. “Dear God...why is this harder than it should be?”

“Why are you so obsessed with these kids?” Jacquelyn asked. 

“They’re my….” Lemony began before looking at both volunteers who stood before him. He remembered that no one knew the existence of his daughter and with Jacquelyn not even understanding that he doesn’t want many people knowing that he’s alive, he wasn’t going to risk it. “...they’re Beatrice’s children. We need to help them.”

Both volunteers nodded but neither said anything as Lemony got out of his taxi and went to the trunk. Lemony was already wearing black overalls on top of a light blue button-up shirt. Not too formal but not too laid back. He began rummaging through the disguise kit. 

“Can you guys help me with my disguise,” he called out to the two adults watching him.

“Why? What do you plan on doing?” Larry asked.

“Honestly, I’m not sure yet. All I do know is that I’m going in.” Lemony replied.

Jacquelyn peered down at his disguise kit. “You can only use the supplies from the VFD disguise kit so many times before getting recognized, Snicket. Olaf was once a member, he is probably using the same shit.” She peered down and held up a pair of glasses and a fake beard. “Like these two items. He’s currently wearing them.”

“What do you want me to do then?”

“Think outside the box,” she said looking at Larry. “Did you bring the supplies?”

Larry nodded as Jacquelyn ran towards the truck. “Snicket, you’re going to love this.”

Lemony rolled his eyes. “Doubtful,” he muttered. 

“Can you just trust me, Snicket?”

“I’m trying. But again, you keep making me not trust you.”

“How so.”

Lemony merely points at Larry. “Oh and don’t forget Gustav.”

Jacquelyn rolled her eyes as she handed him a beekeepers hat.

“What the fuck is this?”

“It’s part of your disguise,”

“Not what I was going for...but okay,” Lemony said.

“Do you want Olaf to recognize you?” she asked.

“No.” 

“Then figure it out. You’re a smart man, Snicket,” she replied as Larry nodded.

__________________________________________________________

“...he’s an actor, he must’ve covered it up with make-up.” Klaus tried reasoning with Mr. Poe once they had reached Monty’s house. Stephano had the brilliant idea of all four of them walking back to the house, due to Monty’s car being ‘as damaged as Mr. Poe’s.’ So Klaus and Sunny spent the time trying to figure out how the fuck Count Olaf got rid of his tattoo. Klaus placed his suitcase next to the door as he turned to Mr. Poe who continued to cough.

“Klaus, this is getting rather tiresome, going over this again and again with you. We have just seen Stephano’s unblemished ankle. ‘Unblemished’ means…”

“ _ I know what ‘unblemished’ means!”  _ Klaus yelled. “But that man  _ is  _ Count Olaf! Why can’t you see that?” 

“All I can see is what’s in front of me. I see a man with no eyebrows, a beard, and no tattoo on his ankle. Meaning this man is not Count Olaf.” Mr. Poe said.

Klaus realized that it would be easier to argue with the snake-shaped hedge than with Mr. Poe when he had made up his mind. But Klaus wasn’t going to give up before he was about to try to reason with Mr. Poe one last time, he heard a knock on the door.

“I’ll get it!” Stephano yelled rushing passed Mr. Poe and the children. “Good morning,”

“Good morning. I am Dr. Lucafont from the local sheriff’s department’s medical examiner’s office,” the tall man said, pointing to himself with a big, solid hand. “I received a call that there’s been a terrible accident involving a snake,”

“You’re here already?” Klaus asked as Sunny stared at the man’s oddly stiff hands.

“I believe that speed is of the essence in an emergency, don’t you?” Dr. Lucafont replied staring down at the young boy. “If an autopsy needs to be performed, it should be done quickly.”

“Of course. That makes perfect sense,” Mr. Poe commented.

But Klaus and Sunny were skeptical. 

“So where’s the body at?” Dr. Lucafont asked.

“Poor Dr. Montgomery is in the Reptile Room,” Stephano replied pointing in the direction where the Uncle Monty’s corpse still lays. He turned to Mr. Poe, “When I spoke to the doctor on the phone, I told him about the accident with your car and he was nice enough to offer to give you a ride into town once his job here is done. While I stay here with the precious orphans.”

“No,” Klaus said firmly, “Sunny and I will not be staying here alone with you at all!”

Mr. Poe looked sternly at Klaus. “Klaus, I realize you are very upset, but it is inexcusable for you to keep treating Stephano so rudely. Please apologize to him at once.”

“ _ No!”  _ Klaus cried. “I’d rather die!”

Stephano smirked and leaned down close to Klaus as Mr. Poe began to cough. “ _ Careful what you wish for, orphan.”  _ He hissed in a low, chilling voice. Once Mr. Poe stopped coughing, Stephano turned to Mr. Poe. “Oh, Mr. Boe. It’s quite alright. The children are so upset about Dr. Montgomery’s murder that they’ve forgotten how to behave.”

“Aha!” Sunny yelled.

“Murder?” Klaus asked realizing exactly what Sunny had realized. “Why did you say  _ murder _ , Stephano?”

Stephano’s face darkened and his hands clenched at his sides. It looked like there was nothing he wanted to do more than scratch Klaus’ eyes out. “I misspoke,” he said calmly.

Before Mr. Poe had a chance to speak, Dr. Lucafont reentered the room. “I have determined the cause of death. It’s definitely a snakebite no question about it?”

“Thank you, doc.” Stephano replied grinning.

“Are you sure?” Klaus asked.

“Two bite marks are on his cheek. Only a snake could’ve done that.”

“Case closed,” Stephano commented.

“Suspi!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “This whole thing seems super suspicious.”

“Sunny’s right. That autopsy was done rather quickly. Are you sure you’re a qualified doctor?” Klaus asked.

“Klaus! It’s rude to question authority figures.” Mr. Poe lectured.

“Maybe the children should go upstairs. I’m about to take the body out to my car and being in a room with a dead body might be very traumatic.” Dr. Lucafont commented.

“I’ve already been in a room with a dead body, thanks to Stephano,” Klaus commented.

“I’ve had enough of this, Klaus. You need to stop.” Mr. Poe said before coughing.

“Once I’ve put Dr. Montgomery’s body in my car. I can give you a ride to the mechanic, sir.” Dr. Lucafont said.

Klaus and Sunny both quickly realized that the situation they have found themselves in was more or less a game but with desperately high stakes. The object of the game was to not be left alone with Stephano or else he would whisk them away to Peru. What would happen to them then, when they were alone in Peru with such a greedy and despicable person, they did not want to think about it.

“We’re  _ not  _ staying with that bastard!” Klaus yelled holding Sunny closer to him. Then at that moment, he got an idea. “Why don’t  _ we  _ ride with Dr. Lucafont and Mr. Poe? Sunny and I have always wanted to see the inside of doctor’s automobile.” he lied. Sunny looked at him confused. She was sure that he wasn’t noticing the odd stiffness in the doctor’s hands that she had noticed. But she nodded her head in agreement. 

“I’m afraid that won’t work,” Dr. Lucafont replied. “Once I place Dr. Montgomery’s body in my car, I’ll only have room for one more passenger.”

“Are you fucking serious!?” Klaus yelled annoyed.

“Klaus! I know it is quite shocking that Dr. Montgomery had died, he seemed like an appropriate guardian for you…” Mr. Poe began.

“Mor!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “He was more than that. He was much, much more than appropriate. But now he’s dead because of that rat bastard in the ridiculous disguise!” and Klaus was quick to translate.

“Baudelaires!” Mr. Poe shouted just about having enough. 

“Look, Mr. Poe, we don’t care what this doctor is saying! Monty was one of the world’s leading herpetologists. He’d never allow a dangerous snake to bite him! Stephano murdered him! Why can’t you just trust us!?” Klaus shouted slamming his free fist into a wall.

“Little boy, I tested his blood. In his veins, I found the venom of one of the most dangerous snakes in the world.” Dr. Lucafont replied looking worriedly at Klaus, whose face was turning red with anger.

“Good heavens! Which one?” Mr. Poe asked.

“The incredibly...deadly...viper,” Stephano replied dramatically. 

“Bull!” Sunny yelled angrily in defense of Ink.

“That’s impossible, dumb ass. The incredibly deadly viper is one of the least dangerous and most friendly creatures in the entire animal kingdom!” Klaus yelled. 

“Come now, Baudelaires. It’s called the incredibly deadly viper.” Mr. Poe replied.

“It’s a misnomer! Uncle Monty named it that to scare his colleagues at the Herpetological Society!” 

“He sounds highly unstable. Not good guardian material.” Dr. Lucafont commented as he began to make himself a pot of coffee.

“He was a wonderful, caring person!” Klaus yelled through gritted teeth.

“Inno!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Ink wouldn’t hurt anyone and we can prove it!” Which her brother was happy to translate for her.

“How can you prove it when you don’t even know where it is?” Dr. Lucafont asked.

“Of course we know where he is...he’s…” Klaus began as he noticed that Ink’s cage was unlocked and opened. “He’s…”

Klaus looked first to Mr. Poe and then Dr. Lucafont. “Please...I know Ink didn’t kill Monty...Stephano…”

“That is quite enough, Klaus.” Mr. Poe said.

“I suppose we’ll never know what Dr. Montgomery did to trigger the bloodlust in its reptile brain. I myself know nothing about snakes. I only got here just recently and scarcely have had time to learn. But I hear the slimy creatures can hold a grudge.” Stephano commented.

Both Baudelaire children began glaring daggers at Stephano. Klaus then noticed that Dr. Lucafont was opening a can of Uncle Monty’s peaches and he lost it.

“ _ That’s Uncle Monty’s food! Stop eating his food!”  _ Klaus shrieked as tears began to pour from his eyes.

“I was only going to have a couple of peaches,” Dr. Lucafont commented. Sunny continued to glare at his oddly stiff hands in confusion. Something wasn’t right. The younger Baudelaire orphan couldn’t point her finger on it, but she knew that something was not right. Mr. Poe gave Klaus a stern look as he began to cough loudly and harshly. Finally, Mr. Poe stopped coughing still giving Klaus a stern look.

“Okay. That’s enough. Klaus, why don’t you take yourself and your sister upstairs. The adults will take care of everything.” Mr. Poe said sternly.

“But…” Klaus began. 

“Klaus…” Sunny said placing a hand on her brother’s face. “Go,” 

“You’re right, Sunny. The adults won’t take care of  _ shit, but we will.” _ Klaus said carrying his baby sister upstairs as Stephano waved to them menacingly. Just as the Baudelaire orphans made it back into their room. There was another knock on the door. Stephano gave a quick glance towards Dr. Lucafont who shrugged his shoulders in response. 

“I’ll get it,” Stephano said as he opened the door to see a tall man who was dressed in a light blue buttoned-up shirt, black overalls, and loose white lab coat. But the man’s outfit was not what caused Stephano to look at him in utter bewilderment. It was what the man was wearing on his head. The man wore a beekeeper’s hat upon his head effectively covering his face. Stephano gave a long, silent glance at the man. “Hello…?” 

“Hello, Sir. Good afternoon. Is this the residence of Dr. Montgomery Montgomery?” the man said in a deep voice. 

“Who is asking?” Stephano asked trying to see if the man was one of his henchpeople in some ridiculous disguise. 

“The name’s Kronk. I am from the Herpetological Society. I am here to retrieve Dr. Montgomery’s reptiles and snakes. He called last night telling us about his Peruvian expedition and had asked if we would be so kind as to watch over his collection while he was away.” Kronk replied. 

Stephano looked at the man curiously. “Kronk? Your name’s Kronk?”

“Yes. It’s Incan.” Kronk responded quickly but nervously.

“Well…I am sorry to inform you but Dr. Montgomery has passed away due to snake bite. So you won’t be needing to retrieve his collection.” Stephano said suspiciously.

“Well, I am sorry to hear that...but on the contrary, Sir, that gives me even more reason to retrieve his collection. You see, all members of the Herpetological Society give their collections to the Society once they’ve passed.” 

“Of course they do,” Stephano replied.

“I’m only here to do my job, sir. I can make sure to stay out of your way.” Kronk said walking slowly into the house.

Dr. Lucafont looked at him curiously for a few moments before asking, “I’m sorry, sir, but are you a professional herpetologist?”

“Yes, why do you ask?” 

“Well, I find it odd that you are wearing a beekeeper’s hat.”

Kronk stopped in his tracks and faced Dr. Lucafont. “Have you ever worked with dangerous snakes before, sir?”

“Well, no. I am a doctor. I work more with humans.”

“Do I question you and your profession?” Kronk asked annoyed. 

“Well no...I just wondered…” Dr. Lucafont began.

“It’s a herpetologist thing.” He replied rudely as he walked passed Dr. Lucafont.  _ So far so good, Snicket. You’re in. Find the kids. Expose the bad guy. Get the fuck out without getting caught.  _ Kronk thought to himself as he entered the Reptile Room. 


	23. The One Where the Baudelaires Jump Out a Window

** _Chapter Twenty-Two:_ **

_ The One Where The Baudelaires Jump Out a Window _

_ This has to be the stupidest disguise you have ever worn. _ Lemony thought to himself as he cautiously walked around the Reptile Room. He’d seen no signs of Klaus or Sunny Baudelaire which slightly worried him. _ Olaf wouldn’t kill them...not without their parents’ money. _He reminded himself. He didn’t know where to start, he knew that Stephano was suspicious and he had to play the part entirely. He began to pick up the smaller cages that held iguanas and toads and began to take them to the moving truck that Larry allowed him to borrow. 

As he was collecting the reptiles, he listened in on the conversation that Mr. Poe, Dr. Lucafont, and Stephano were having. Lemony didn’t understand the full context of the conversation. It seemed like the three adults were arguing about who would go with the doctor to the mechanic and whether or not the kids would stay here at Uncle Monty’s with or without Stephano. Lemony knew immediately that Stephano was trying to be alone with the kids...and he wasn’t going to let that happen. 

“But Mr. Poe, there would be no room for both children to ride with me in my vehicle. I doubt the baby would want to sit on Dr. Montgomery’s lap, especially since he’s dead. And it’s not the safest thing for her to sit in her brother’s lap. She should have her own seat.” Dr. Lucafont commented.

“I see your point.” Mr. Poe said. “But it doesn’t seem like Klaus would be comfortable leaving his baby sister alone at the house.”

“She wouldn’t be alone. I would stay here and watch her.” Stephano commented.

“I don’t think he’d go for that either.” 

“Well aren’t _ we _the adults, here? Shouldn’t they listen to us?” Stephano asked annoyed.

“Well, usually, yes. But the children seem to be rather upset and I was hoping that riding in Dr. Lucafont’s car would change their mood.” Mr. Poe said after a fit of coughing. 

“I’ve got it! Why don’t I drive the children in Dr. Lucafont’s car.” Stephano commented.

“I’m afraid that won’t work either. The city laws won’t allow anybody else to drive my car.” Dr. Lucafont stated.

“Besides, I also need to be in the car. The whole point is taking me to the mechanic.” Mr. Poe said. 

Lemony rolled his eyes. He didn’t understand anything that was going on but it all seemed rather idiotic and unnecessary. He went about collecting and retrieving reptile after reptile doing his best to take as long as he could. He was trying to think of a way to help the Baudelaire children.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Klaus was pacing around their bedroom as Sunny sat on Klaus’ bed. If you have ever been left out of an important conversation due to your age, then you know, as well as I do, how the Baudelaires felt while sitting in their room, unable to participate in the conversation that would determine their fate. So the two siblings decided they would hold their own. 

Klaus sighed turning to Sunny. “We know that Ink didn’t kill Uncle Monty. And we know for a fact, that Count Olaf did. Mr. Poe would never believe us…”

“Sher,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Unless we discovered some evidence or proof.”

“But Dr. Lucafont determined the cause of death to be a snake bite. I mean...Uncle Monty had two bite marks like a snake would make. I saw them this morning,” Klaus said as his eyes fell to the ground. “I’m sorry, Sunny...this is all my fault.”

“Wha?” Sunny asked confused.

“I should’ve never told Stephano that Monty ripped up his ticket. Now Monty’s dead because of me,” 

Sunny shook her head and crawled to the edge of the bed to be closer to her brother. “Habent,” she reassured, which meant, “Klaus, you can’t blame yourself. Olaf still would’ve killed Uncle Monty.”

Klaus nodded. He knew Sunny had a good point but he also felt incredibly guilty. Sunny maneuvered herself off of the bed and began crawling to the door. “Where are you going?”

“Rep,” Sunny replied. Which meant, “the Reptile Room.” 

“What? Why?”

“Scruto,” she replied, which meant, “To investigate and get some evidence.”

Klaus looked down at his sister and smiled. Sunny Baudelaire wore a face of pure determination. Her face no longer showed signs of being grief-stricken like her brother’s. Her face screamed ‘ready for a battle’. 

You will remember, of course, that even years later, Klaus would lie awake in bed, filled with regret that he didn’t call out to the driver of the taxicab who had brought Stephano into their lives once more. And with the regret of being unable to convince Monty of Stephano’s true identity and the overwhelming guilt of subsequently causing his uncle’s murder. But I will say that Sunny Baudelaire was luckier than her brother in this respect. For unlike Klaus, who was too surprised when he first recognized Stephano that the moment to act passed him by. Sunny realized while sitting on Klaus’ bed watching her brother suffer through a mini panic attack, that the time to act was now. I will not say that Sunny, years later, slept easily when she looked back on her life, there were too many miserable times for either Baudelaire orphan to be peaceful sleepers, but she would always be a bit proud of herself for realizing that she and her brother could not waste precious time sitting in their room waiting for Stephano to whisk them away to Peru and that they actually need to use their skills to find evidence proving to Mr. Poe that Stephano murdered Uncle Monty. 

“Sunny?” Klaus called out as she stopped and turned around to look at him with a questioning expression. “Shouldn’t we sneak into the Reptile Room? That way Stephano doesn’t see us?” Sunny nodded and then she looked towards the window of their bedroom. Klaus followed his sister’s gaze and his eyes got wide. “No! We are not jumping out the window!” 

Sunny rolled her eyes and looked around the room. “Nonsalire,” she replied which probably meant, “Oh, we’re not going to jump...we’re going to _ climb _.”

“No. No. No.” Klaus began as his body started shaking remembering what happened the last time he planned on climbing to thwart Count Olaf’s evil plan. “No…”

“Facilis,” which meant, “It’ll be easy.”

Klaus just shook his head. “No...I...I can’t. Besides you can’t climb.”

“Educ,” she replied pulling the curtains off the window, which meant, “You’re right. That’s why you’re going to carry me using some kind of harness.”

“No...no. I can’t climb.” Klaus said still shaking.

“Nimisexal,” she replied, which meant, “We’re probably not _ that _high up.” 

Klaus looked at Sunny and then looked out the window. She was right...they weren’t too high up but it didn’t make Klaus feel any better about her plan or the situation they found themselves in but after weighing the pros and cons, he reluctantly agreed. He secured Sunny tightly to his chest, despite the pain it caused him, with the curtain and then he grabbed the other curtain from the window and tied it tightly to the heavy brass lamp’s plug-in cord. He then placed the lamp where it was laying the horizontally, happy that it was long enough to not simply fall out the window this way. He looked at Sunny. “I...I can’t do this. Sunny I can’t do this,”

Sunny looked at her brother and smiled at him. “Paratus?” she asked him ignoring his mini-freak out. She knew they would be fine. She probably meant, “Are you ready?” 

Klaus looked down at her, his heart pounding in his chest. “No.,” he said simply, “But it’s like mother and father said, ‘If we wait until we’re ready…, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” 

Sunny smiled at him and nodded happily. “Exacte!” she replied, which meant, “Exactly!”

And with that Klaus grabbed onto the makeshift rope with one hand and placed his other arm across Sunny pushing her into his chest, which caused him to wince. He then carefully began to climb out of the window of their second-story bedroom. He placed his feet against the wall of the house and slowly, and I do mean, agonizingly slow, he began to climb down with his back to the ground. He realized that he needed both his hands to climb down. So when he moved his arm, releasing the pressure from Sunny, he began to worry. “Sunny, please don’t move too much,” he said to her before closing his eyes. “Don’t look down...don’t look down,” he repeated to himself. Sunny, not understanding why her brother was _ this _terrified of heights looked down anyway. She thought it was cool that they were climbing out of their window with the help of a lamp and a curtain. She turned to face her brother, who looked like he wanted to die. She placed a hand on his cheek.

“Obtinuit,” she said to him in a calm voice, which meant, “You got this. We’re going to be fine.” Klaus slowly nodded his head but refused to open his eyes. He continued to move his legs ever so slowly. Fearing the worst. Sunny kept saying words of encouragement to him in a soft, calming voice. Klaus froze in his place when he thought he heard Stephano. 

“Oh, God. Oh God,” he replied as he began to shake. His mind was tormenting him. He just kept imagining that night with his failed rescue attempt. He didn’t want to open his eyes, though, because then he’d be afraid of how high from the ground the two Baudelaire siblings were. He was between a rock and a hard place. Sunny looked around as much as she could, looking for Stephano but she couldn’t see him. 

“Klaus..” Sunny said softly. “Videteum,” which meant, “I don’t see him. We’re good.” She looked down and realized that they were a little over halfway down. But Klaus was shaking too much, she didn’t know if they would make it all the way. 

“Sunny...he’s going to get us...he’s...he’s...going to…” Klaus began tilting his head every which way. 

“Klaus…” Sunny whimpered beginning to feel scared. She wasn’t afraid because Stephano was around, she was afraid because she couldn’t help her brother. She didn’t understand why he was like this sometimes. She knew Olaf was responsible but Klaus wouldn’t open up to her...because of her age. Because he thought it was his job to protect her and never himself. Sunny hated that. Sunny knew she could protect her brother nearly as much as he could protect her, but Klaus wouldn’t have it. Sunny feared Klaus will never explain to her what happened during her time in the birdcage and not only did it upset her, but it haunted her. She will never be able to help him because he simply won’t let her.

Sunny’s train of thought was interrupted by her noticing that the harness Klaus had tied to himself to keep a hold on her was beginning to come loose due to his shaking.

“Klaus....” she said again but this time it wasn’t in a calm voice. It was in a slightly panicked voice.

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry,” he whispered with his eyes still closed. 

Sunny looked down again, realizing that they haven’t moved much since the last time she looked down began to slightly panic. “Propeest!” she lied to her brother, which meant, “We’re almost there, Klaus...you’re doing well.”

Klaus still had his eyes closed, still shaking. He was certain that he heard Stephano. He thought that Sunny was lying to him when she told him that she couldn’t see Stephano, trying to calm him down. “He’s going to kill us...Sunny…” He whispered. 

“Never!” Sunny shouted as the harness continued to release Sunny even more. She was beginning to regret her idea. She slowly looked down again thinking to herself that they _ could _survive if they were to fall. She was happy when she felt Klaus continue to slowly climb down. The closer they got to the ground, the better their odds of surviving. But this wasn’t an entirely good thing. Sunny felt her harness slide off of her as she quickly grabbed hold of Klaus’ shirt. 

_"Sunny!" _he yelled. He must’ve realized what happened, because without thinking he let go of the rope to grab hold of his sister and both children fell to the ground. 

“Fuck!” Klaus yelled as his back hit the ground. He opened his eyes and looked at the blue sky above him. “Sunny? You okay?” he asked worriedly. 

Sunny, who thankfully had her brother to soften her fall, called out, “yeah...you?” 

Klaus sighed as he placed Sunny on the ground beside him. “Well...I’m alive. My back hurts like a motherfucker but I don’t think anything is broken.” 

Sunny smiled. “Nonmali,” she said to her brother as he sat up, which meant, “That wasn’t so bad.” 

Klaus just glared at her. “You only say that cause you managed to be unscathed,” he said laughing a bit.

“Naufragii,” she commented, which meant, “You were having a breakdown and you let go.”

“...I only let go cause I thought you were falling.” Klaus commented ignoring her mentioning his breakdown. He stayed sitting there for a few moments to catch his breath.

“Hey!” a voice called out to them from behind them. 

“Oh...no…” Klaus whimpered as he grabbed onto Sunny. “Don’t touch her, you bastard!” he called to the voice behind him not even bothering to look. He was ready to act as a human shield to his sister.

“Are you alright, kid?” the voice said kneeling in front of Klaus. To Klaus and Sunny’s confusion, the man was wearing a beekeeper’s hat completely hiding his face. 

“I’m...I’m alright,” Klaus said after a minute, trying to figure out if the man was one of Olaf’s henchpeople.

“Is she okay?” the man asked pointing to Sunny. 

“Um...yeah. She’s better than I am.” Klaus said still eyeing the man. 

“Oh forgive me,” he said extending a hand to Klaus. “The name is Kronk. I’m with the Herpetological Society. I heard about your Uncle Monty. I am very sorry for your loss. I am here to retrieve his snakes.”

Klaus shook Kronk’s hand. “Nice to meet you, sir. I’m Klaus and this is my baby sister, Sunny.”

“You guys had quite a fall...why were you climbing out the window.”

“It’s a long story...I just need to get into that Reptile Room.” Klaus said. “Without being detected.” 

Kronk gave the children a curious look. “I think I can help with that,” he said as he quickly walked away to his moving trunk. 

“Fiducia,” Sunny whispered to her brother as they both watched the man walk away in a hurry, this meant, “do you think we can trust him?”

“Maybe. I’m not entirely sure, yet. I mean, he _ did _show concern for us.” 

“Dissimulo,” she replied worryingly as she remembered the doctor with the strange stiff hands, this was her way of saying, “What if he’s acting like he cares? As part of a disguise.”

Klaus pondered Sunny’s question. It was odd that the man was wearing a beekeeper’s hat but claimed to be a herpetologist. Klaus didn’t have time to answer Sunny’s question, because Kronk came back with a long two-tier utility cart and long white sheet. Both Baudelaires understood immediately why he brought these items. 

“I can get you into that room surreptitiously. Which is a word which here means ‘stealthily and secretly’.” Kronk informed the children.

“I know what ‘surreptitiously’ means. I may be young...but I know a lot of words.” Klaus said as politely as he could.

Without even thinking, Kronk replied with, “I know,”

“Wait? What?” Klaus asked looking at the man with curious eyes.

“I said ‘let’s go’,” Kronk replied in a hurry, gesturing for Klaus to get on the utility cart. 

“But…” Klaus began as Kronk handed him Sunny. 

“Shh. You’re going to have to be silent and try not to move.” Kronk replied.

Klaus nodded his head and Sunny gave the stranger a thumbs up. Kronk placed the large white sheet around the cart effectively hiding the children. As Kronk pushed the cart inside Dr. Montgomery’s house, he was muttering to himself at just how stupid and careless his comment to Klaus was. He pushes the cart to the Reptile Room and proceeds to close the door hoping that Stephano wouldn’t notice. He did a quick check around the room to make sure no one was inside. He hit his hand on the cart, “hey kids the coast is clear.” 

Klaus placed Sunny on the ground and then maneuvered his way off of the utility cart. ‘Okay, Sunny. I’m going to focus on reading up about snakes. We both know Ink didn’t kill Monty, but we are going to find out which snake’s venom was used.” 

“Inveniet,” she replied, which meant, “I’m going to look around the Reptile Room and see if I can find Ink.”

Klaus nodded his head and then looked up at Kronk. “We promise we’ll stay out of your way. We just really need to do this.” 

Kronk nodded his head and turned to retrieve more of Monty’s snakes so Stephano wouldn’t get suspicious. “Oh, sir. If you see a large, coal-black snake with shiny green eyes. Can you let us know? He’s harmless.”

“Will do,” Kronk replied getting back to work. With that, both Baudelaire children got to work with their tasks. Sunny crawled around the reptile room in hopes of finding her snake friend. But everywhere she crawled, there was no sign of Ink. She was beginning to think the worst had happened. She didn’t put it passed Stephano to kill a defenseless animal. If he was willing to lock a baby in a birdcage and dangle her from a thirty-foot tower and hurt her brother so much that during his panic attacks, she could hardly recognize him, he would definitely kill a snake so it didn’t foil his plans. As she crawled, she thought of her brother. She tried to imagine what Hell Olaf must have put him through, but her innocent infant mind couldn’t even fathom the gruesome scene that Klaus was tormented nearly every day and night with. 

Klaus made his way towards Monty’s herpetological library. He decided to check the cabinet on the far wall of the library where Monty had mentioned he kept poisonous venoms of the world’s most deadliest snakes. When he opened the cabinet, he wasn’t surprised to find a vile was indeed missing. He looked at the label underneath where the vile would be. In Monty’s handwriting, it read ‘Mamba Du Mal’. He turned to face Monty’s library and began to look for any books that might have information about that snake. He was also keeping his eye out for any expedition journals Monty might have had that had information about Ink. If he could find enough information on Ink and the Mamba Du Mal, maybe the Baudelaire orphans wouldn’t _ need _Ink to make an appearance when they show their case to Mr. Poe. He picked up a book that he believed could answer his questions on the Mamba Du Mal. He turned to Monty’s research desk, which still had a stack of books sitting upon it and one opened book. He began opening the drawers of Monty’s desk looking for an expedition journal of some kind that might have Dr. Montgomery’s research on Ink. Klaus glanced up at the book that was open on the desk and stopped in his tracks. 

Klaus began to read a part of the page that it was turned to. He noticed immediately that this book had absolutely nothing to do about snakes or Peru. He frowned. He stood up next to Monty’s desk, refusing to sit down in the chair that his uncle was murdered in. He lifted the cover of the book to read the title. The title read, _ Children & Trauma: A Guide for Parents & Professionals. _ His heart sank in his chest. He looked at the spines of the other books. Realizing immediately that they were all about the same topic. _ The Complex PTSD Workbook, Behavioral Activation for PTSD, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. _ The list went on. Klaus could feel tears in his eyes. _ Uncle Monty did care...he cared so much… _ Klaus couldn’t stop his tears from following. Klaus was so wrong about Uncle Monty initially and the waves of guilt and remorse were piling on top of him. He wiped his eyes with his hand. Monty had gone out of his way to purchase books to help him help Klaus with his struggles. Klaus sank to the floor as his entire body went numb. “I’m so sorry, Uncle Monty…” he whispered to himself. He had spent all that time mistrusting Monty and even getting Monty killed when all Monty wanted to do was be a family. To help him, to raise him and Sunny. That’s all the man wanted to do. But because of Klaus’ big mouth, Monty was now dead and he was never coming back just like their parents. His sadness slowly turned into pure hatred for Stephano. Monty was a kind, caring, amazing person and Stephano murdered him for profit. Monty was only a pawn in Stephano’s wicked schemes. He didn’t matter to Stephano. But he mattered to Klaus and Sunny, who were finally feeling at home again. They were feeling loved and safe, and then Stephano had to come in and ruin it. Klaus set the books to the side, making a mental note to take a couple of these books to their next guardian’s. Klaus hurriedly opened the book he hoped would give him an answer on the Mamba Du Mal. He began his research at the back of the book, where the index was located. After ten or so minutes. He called out to Sunny, who crawled to her brother as fast as she can. 

“Invenio?” she asked as she reached her brother, which meant, “What did you discover?”

“Listen to this,” he said smiling, “‘The Mamba Du Mal is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere, noted for its strangulatory grip, used in conjunction with its deadly venom, giving all of its victims a tenebrous hue, which is ghastly to behold.’”

“Quae?” Sunny asked looking super confused, this translated to, “What means...what exactly?”

“You see, ‘strangulatory’ means ‘having to do with strangling’, ‘in conjunction’ means ‘together.’ ‘Tenebrous’ means ‘dark’. And ‘hue’ is just a fancy word for ‘color’.” Klaus explained happily, “So the Mamba Du Mal is noted for strangling people while it bites them, leaving their corpses dark with bruises.”

“Stop!” Sunny pleaded. “No audire!” which meant, “I don’t want to hear any more about what happened to Uncle Monty!”

“You don’t understand, Sunny.” He said gently, “_ I _ saw Monty’s body...this _ isn’t _what happened to him.” 

“Huh?” Sunny asked.

“See, Dr. Lucafont said there was the venom of the Mamba Du Mal in Monty’s veins. And I’m sure there was...but the snake didn’t put it there. If it had, Uncle Monty’s body would have been dark with bruises. But he was mainly pale.” 

Sunny shuddered at the thought of discovering Monty’s lifeless body. For a moment, she was kind of grateful that Stephano stuffed her into a suitcase. 

“Also, there’s a vile of that exact snake’s venom missing. Stephano must have injected the venom into Monty.”

“Bastard!” Sunny yelled.

“Yes, he _ is _a bastard. And when we tell Mr. Poe about this, the bastard will be arrested for Uncle Monty’s murder. Then he will no longer threaten us with his knife, or whisk us away to Peru, or stuff you into tiny spaces like birdcages and….suitcases.”

Sunny looked at her brother as he slowed his speech at the last word. Sunny could tell by Klaus’ face that he had an idea. “Sunny, we need to get his suitcase...the one that you weren’t stuffed in,” he said just as the Reptile Room door’s opened and a rupture of coughing echoed the room. “Shit,” Klaus whispered.

“Children?” Mr. Poe asked, “I thought I had dismissed you to your room…”

“You did...but…” Klaus began as Mr. Poe interrupted him.

“I hope you are feeling calmer and no longer entertaining the thought that Stephano is Count Olaf,” 

“...Even _ if _he’s not Count Olaf,” Klaus said carefully, “we believe he is still responsible for Monty’s death.”

“Nonsense,” Mr. Poe began, “Uncle Monty’s death was a terrible accident, and nothing more.”

Klaus held up his book, “But...while you were in the kitchen, I was reading about snakes, and …” 

“Reading about snakes? I should think you’d want to read about anything _ but _snakes, after what happened.”

“But I found something,” Klaus began as Sunny shook her head at her brother.

“It doesn’t matter what you found out about snakes. Stephano doesn’t know anything about snakes, he told us himself.”

Klaus sighed angrily and tried to speak again, but noticed Sunny shake her head at him again. 

“Now that we have settled that matter, I know that the two of you were eager to see the inside of a doctor’s car, but we’ve discussed it over and over and over again, and there’s simply no way it can work. You two are going to take a taxi with Stephano, while I’ll ride with Dr. Lucafont and your Uncle Monty’s corpse. Stephano and Dr. Lucafont are making the arrangements as we speak and we will be leaving in a few minutes.”

“Mr. Poe…” Klaus began and Sunny shook her head again at her brother. Mr. Poe walked out of the Reptile Room just as Kronk came back in.

“Why were you shaking your head at me, Sunny? I could’ve kept arguing with Poe.” Klaus asked confused at what his sister was planning.

“find...Ink,” she replied as she began to crawl towards Kronk. She began to climb on to his utility cart and she pointed to the direction she wanted to go. Kronk looked at Sunny and then at Klaus. 

“Sunny, this is pointless. We’re fucked.” Klaus said. 

Kronk bit his lip, of course, no one could see that from behind his hat. “When the adults come to fetch you, I’ll give you an excuse to stall,” he said finally.

“Wait...why are you helping us?” Klaus asked as Sunny pulled down the white sheet to hide herself. 

Kronk shrugged. “Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on. But if you two were willing to jump out a window to sneak back in here because you’re suspicious about the death of Dr. Montgomery, and I am a man of justice. So if you think that bald creep killed him, I’ll help you prove it.”

Klaus smiled. “Sir, you don’t know how much that means to us.” 

“Any time,” Kronk said, “Just follow my lead.”

Before Klaus could answer, Stephano, Dr. Lucafont, and Mr. Poe entered the room again. Stephano had a triumphant look on his face. “Well, boy, it seems like the baby, you, and I will be getting a taxi.”

Klaus glared at the man with pure fury in his eyes. He tried one last time to convince Mr. Poe of Stephano’s true identity. “Mr. Poe...please you have to listen to me,” 

Mr. Poe began to cough. “Klaus, I’m getting sick and tired of having to tell you to stop being so rude to Stephano. This man standing beside me is not Count Olaf and he did not kill your uncle. Now let’s go...I need to get back to the bank. And this entire thing has taken too much time.” he said ushering the young boy out.

“Actually,” Kronk asked, “I could use the young boy’s help. My associate must have gotten lost...I just need help lifting and carrying the bigger cages. It shouldn’t take long...maybe half an hour. It gives the taxi enough time to get here.”

Stephano glared at Kronk, while Mr. Poe simply frowned and sighed. “I guess you do have a point, we do have to wait for the taxi to arrive. I guess, he can help you as long as this doesn’t take longer than half an hour.”

Klaus smiled at Kronk. “Don’t worry, I’ll hurry,” he said shooting his own triumphant look towards Stephano. 

“Maybe...I should help, too.” Stephano replied. 

“Oh, lovely. You see those poisonous snakes over there…” Kronk pointed to the opposite side of the Reptile Room. “You can help me transport those. I’d be careful, though. They’re prone to biting especially in stressful situations.”

Stephano looked to the man and then to the snakes he was pointing at. “On second thought, how about I make us some more coffee,” he said quickly walking out of the Reptile Room followed by Dr. Lucafont and Mr. Poe. 

Klaus and Kronk quickly lifted a cage onto the utility cart and began to push it outside. Klaus didn’t know what Sunny’s plan was but it couldn’t have been any crazier than her idea of climbing out the window. Klaus knew that they were now on a time crunch. So any plan was a good plan. Both Baudelaires hoped that they could find the evidence to prove that Stephano had killed Uncle Monty.


	24. The One Where Kronk Finds The Baudelaires Some Evidence

** _Chapter Twenty-Three:_ **

_ The One Where Kronk Finds The Baudelaires Some Evidence _

Klaus and Kronk push the utility cart to Uncle Monty’s jeep. “So what’s your plan?” Kronk asks Klaus, as he watched the young boy open up the trunk of the jeep.

“Break into this suitcase,” Klaus replies. “Something in here has to help us,”

Kronk studied the lock and sighed. “We may need a lockpick,” he replied looking around the truck for objects.  _ What would Violet do?  _ He asked himself closing his eyes. Part of him wished he had his daughter to help him. Violet would have had this suitcase opened in less than five minutes. 

Klaus and Sunny watched the man closely as he silently muttered to himself. The Baudelaires weren’t certain, but they swore they heard him talking about a purple flower. Kronk sighed and threw down the suitcase. “Do either of you have anything sharp and slender that could fit in that keyhole?” 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another, both children smiling. “Teeth!” Sunny shrieked happily as she opened up her mouth. Kronk looked at her in deep surprise. 

“My God, she was right,” he whispered to himself. “You’re a baby... with piranha teeth.”

Sunny nodded her head and Klaus lifted her into the trunk of the car where Sunny got to work on the suitcase’s lock. Kronk just stood there in complete amazement watching Sunny. He wished he could tell Violet that she was right. That there is such thing as a baby with piranha teeth, but then, knowing how Violet’s been acting lately that would lead to more questions. Questions that he couldn’t and wouldn’t answer. Finally with a loud “Aha!” Sunny was able to use her teeth as a lockpick and opened Stephano’s suitcase. Kronk gave the infant a high-five. “Very impressive,” he said.  _ Your Mother would be so proud.  _ He thought to himself and frowned. He began rummaging through the items that were in the suitcase, unsurprised that the suitcase was a mess. While quickly rummaging through the contents of the villainous man’s suitcase, Kronk realized that he was looking for a needle in a haystack. Hell, he was trying to find  _ anything  _ in a haystack, because he wasn’t sure what he was looking for exactly. He looked down at his wrist where he wore the sweatband that Violet had sewn for him when she was just seven years old. It was yellow, for his namesake, ‘Lemony’, and embroidered within it were the words “World’s Best Dad’ in purple letters for her namesake, ‘Violet’. Kronk knew if his daughter waws with him right now, she’d been able to tie back her hair and figure out what objects in this suitcase would work together and what would be trashed. He sighed, he didn’t have long hair, so he was unable to tie his hair back and even if he did, he had to keep his beekeeper’s hat on since it was part of his disguise. He closed his eyes and told himself one last time to ‘think like Violet’ and when he opened his eyes, he did just that. 

He grabbed a glass vial with a sealed rubber cap, a syringe with two sharp needles, a small bunch of folded papers, a card laminated in plastic, a powder puff, and a small hand mirror. Working quickly he put the pieces of evidence he could tell would work together in place. He knew he only had a few more moments, he separated these items from the bottle of wine and smelly clothes that were also in the suitcase and looked at everything carefully. He knew that Violet would concentrate on each item as if they were small parts of a machine. He quickly grabbed what pieces he believed would fit together and began trying to arrange them. He wanted to defeat Stephano’s plan and bring justice and peace into the lives of Beatrice’s and Bertrand’s children for the first time since their parents had perished in a terrible fire. Kronk gazed at each piece of evidence thinking hard, arranging them in a way that would be easy for Klaus to understand when he presented this evidence to that clueless banker.

All the while, both Kronk and Klaus did not notice what Sunny had noticed. Klaus was too busy watching Kronk and Kronk was too busy thinking and acting like his daughter to pay much attention to the approaching snake. From interviews with witnesses who were there that day, I’ve learned the following about the younger Baudelaire’s plan. Brave Sunny began to follow the snake, not making much of a sound, not having a care in the world. She knew what she had to do. So she followed the Incredibly Deadly Viper with single-minded determination. Ink must have realized that she was following because he turned around and playfully hissed at her allowing her to take the lead. The snake began to follow Sunny into Dr. Montgomery’s house.

Once Kronk had placed the parts of the murder weapon together he set it back inside the suitcase as he noticed a snake’s tail slithering away. He turned to Klaus and said, “Be right back kid.” he rushed quickly to follow the snake not even noticing that someone was approaching the jeep.

“Sunny?” Klaus called out looking around frantically for his sister.  _ “Sunny!”  _ he cried out as he froze when he felt a hand grabbed his arm. 

“I’d say partly cloudly,” Stephano hissed in his ear. “I thought you were supposed to be a good boy. Good boys aren’t supposed to dig through other people’s personal, private property. Especially when it’s...wait? Wasn’t it locked?”

Shaking, he turned to Stephano who was dragging him roughly to the passenger side door of Monty’s jeep. “ _ It was.”  _ he snapped. “Sunny used her teeth to pick the lock.”

“Oh, how clever.” Stephano said leaning in closer to Klaus, “but I bet you’re not clever enough for this. I have three tickets with me to Peru, right now. I was going to take you and your bratty sister because that’s just the kind of guardian I am. But...I’ll settle for one of you.” he hissed. 

The one thing that most witnesses agreed is that the sound that they heard next was so shocking, so surprising, that it still haunts them to this day. Then suddenly they heard a loud screech coming from Monty’s house. 

“That’s just that stupid iguana clock,” Stephano said. 

Klaus using the few seconds that Stephano was distracted, turned to him and kneed him in the groin and took off running. Now, if you heard the sound that Klaus and Stephano had heard, and you were a decent person and cared about the well being of an infant, you would have begun to freak out because the sound they heard was not the screeching iguana clock. But rather a screeching infant. Now, when you know somebody very well, like your baby sister, you will know when their screams are real and when they are fake. So when Klaus Baudelaire began to run inside to the Reptile Room, it was to get away from Stephano not because he believed his sister was in any danger. He heard the scream again as he raced inside and muttered to himself, “That scream is absolutely fake,” Even Kronk, who knew Beatrice very well and who knew his daughter well, could tell that she was in no danger because even he laughed to himself as he entered the Reptile Room to retrieve more reptiles, he muttered to himself, “Oh, that scream is absolutely fake.”

“My Lord! Something is wrong!” Sunny could hear Mr. Poe yell from the kitchen, “What’s happening?!” he called out. 

“In here!” Klaus cried, “Come quickly!” his voice was rough and low, and anyone who didn’t know Klaus, as well as Sunny, did would think he was very frightened. But if they did know the elder Baudelaire like his sister did, then they would know that when he is very frightened his voice becomes tense and squeaky, as it does whenever Count Olaf is threatening him or he’s having a panic attack. His voice becomes rough and low when he’s trying not to laugh. It was a good thing that Klaus managed not to laugh as Mr. Poe and Dr. Lucafont came into the living room because that would have spoiled Sunny’s brilliant plan. 

Mr. Poe raced into the living room to find Sunny wrapped entirely by the Incredibly Deadly Viper. “Goodness, golly, good God, Mary and Joseph, Zeus and Hera, Nathaniel Hawthorne!” Mr. Poe shouted.

“Which snake is that!” Dr. Lucafont asked.

“Oh, that’s the Incredibly Deadly Viper,” Klaus commented as he strolled past the living room to reach the Reptile Room. Giving his sister a big smile.

Both Dr. Lucafont and Mr. Poe looked at Sunny in complete and utter shock. “Don’t touch her! Grab her! Move closer! Run away! Kill the snake! Leave it alone! Give it some food! Don’t let it bite her!” and just as Mr. Poe had screamed that, right on cue, Ink bit Sunny on the chin. Sunny began to wail her tiny arms and legs as dramatically as she could as if she were trying to swim. If Klaus was in the room, Sunny was sure he would’ve ruined her plan by laughing. Sunny had her mouth wide open, showing her four sharp teeth and her eyes were blinking rapidly. She was trying her best to appear very frightened. But if you knew the younger Baudelaire like her brother knew her, then you would know that when she was very frightened, her face grew all puckered and silent, as it did when Stephano first came to Uncle Monty’s house. “It’s bitten her! It’s bited her! Calm down! Get moving! Call an ambulance! Call a scientist! Call my wife! This is ghastly! This is phantasmagorical!” Mr. Poe looked about ready to pass out. Stephano, Kronk, and Klaus reentered the room. Klaus looked at Sunny and screamed as loud as he could because he was afraid if he didn’t he would start laughing. Sunny opened her mouth and eyes even wider than before. Mr. Poe looked at Dr. Lucafont, whose mouth was opened, too and he looked to Kronk, whose face was hidden behind the beekeeper’s hat. “You’re a doctor! You’re a herpetologist!  _ Do something!”  _

Mr. Poe looked like he was about too faint and both Baudelaire orphans were surprised he went this long without coughing. As Klaus held the book about the Mamba Du Mal and one of Uncle Monty’s expedition journals by his sides, he watched Dr. Lucafont look worriedly at Kronk. Stephano just stood there unamused but shocked. Klaus knew that Stephano could not have cared less about Sunny’s well-being was shocked to see that his plan was unraveling before him. As Mr. Poe continued to panic as Kronk slowly walked over to the entrance of the Reptile Room where Klaus was standing. Stephano and Dr. Lucafont were trying to calm Mr. Poe down. 

“Hey kid,” Kronk whispered, “You wanna have some fun with Mr. Stephano?”

“What do you mean,” Klaus asked confused but not willing to turn down an opportunity to piss off Stephano. 

“Now, I’m not as familiar with reptiles as Dr. Montgomery but sometimes ignorance can be played to our advantage.” He whispered as he walked over to sunny and the snake. “I don’t know, she seems to be perfectly fine. But I am a professional…” he said as he lifted the snake carefully away from Sunny as Mr. Poe caught his breath.

Kronk walked it over towards Stephano, and Ink knew exactly what Kronk wanted him to do, he slithered from Kronk to Stephano and bit Stephano as harshly as he could on the arm. Stephano yelped in pain as both Baudelaire orphans gave a small giggle. Mr. Poe looked at Sunny and then at Stephano and then backed away from the man holding the ‘deadly’ snake. 

“It seems like the baby was just playing with the snake,” Kronk said laughing.

“With the Incredibly Deadly Viper?” Mr. Poe said confused. “But Stephano said that this snake killed Dr. Montgomery.”

Stephano was taken aback and glared at the children and the snake. “Well..you...see.”

“He’s right, Stephano. You and Dr. Lucafont said that the Incredibly Deadly Viper killed Uncle Monty...so wouldn’t that mean you and Sunny are going to die, too, now. Since it just bit you both?”

Stephano glared daggers at the boy. As Klaus opened Dr. Montgomery’s expedition journal. “Don’t worry, Mr. Poe…Sunny and unfortunately, Stephano, are both going to be just fine.”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Poe asked.

“From the expedition journal of Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, April 24th, ‘The incredibly deadly viper wouldn’t hurt a fly. I know this because I tried to feed it flies this morning. It is friendly and kind, playful and smart, and if you can get past your first impression, it can make a wonderful addition to the family.’ And therefore, it cannot have killed Uncle Monty.” 

Mr. Poe looked at the snake that was curling around Sunny again. “Well, I guess it does look rather harmless,” 

“That doesn’t change anything!” Stephano yelled. “There are plenty of deadly types of snakes in that room that could have done it! The Mamba Du Mal bites as it strangles! The irascible python is homicidally grumpy! The Virginian wolf snake can bludgeon you to death with a typewriter!” 

“It’s funny you should mention the ‘Mamba Du Mal’ because the venom  _ is  _ from that snake...but the snake didn’t put it there because I read that it is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere, noted for its strangulatrory grip, used in conjunction with its deadly venom, giving all of its victims a tenebrous hue, which is ghastly to behold.’ Klaus read aloud from the book he was holding. “‘Strangulatory’ means…” 

“We know what those fucking words mean, bookworm.” Stephano hissed. “I know all about how the Mamba Du Mal and other snakes kill its victims!” 

Klaus looked curiously at Stephano. “How would you know?” 

Stephano flashed him a look of sheer vanity, “Because I read up on all types of snakes in the library section of the Reptile Room.”

“Psst, boss,” Dr. Lucafont whispered which made Sunny stare at his hands again. 

“Don’t interrupt me, while I’m talking!” Stephano yelled angrily. “If I may say so myself, I am quite the expert on the snakes!”

“Aha!” Sunny yelled.

“What does it say?” Stephano asked.

“She said, “Aha,” because she’s figured something out. Earlier you claimed to know nothing about snakes...but now...you’re an expert?” Klaus asked.

“Aha!” Sunny said again pointing at Stephano.

Mr. Poe because he’s a dumbass who needs everything spelled out for him looked curiously at the Baudelaire orphans. “What does Sunny mean by ‘aha’?”

Klaus sighed and facepalmed, he felt like he’d been spending half his life explaining things to Mr. Poe. “By ‘aha’ she means that one minute Stephano claimed to know nothing about snakes and now he claims that he is an expert! By ‘aha’ she means ‘Stephano has been lying to us’. By ‘aha’ she means ‘we’ve finally exposed his dishonesty to you!’ By ‘aha’ Sunny means ‘aha’!” Klaus yelled so tired of Poe as he glared at Stephano.

Mr. Poe began coughing. “Explain yourself.”

Stephano took a deep breath, “The reason...that I said I did not know anything about the snakes, is because I was being modest.” 

“You weren’t being modest! You haven’t been modest a day in your life!” Klaus yelled so loudly that everyone, even Sunny, was startled by the boy’s outburst. “You were  _ lying!  _ You were lying then and you’re lying now!  _ You’re nothing but a liar and a murderer!”  _

Stephano glared at Klaus. “You have no evidence of that!”

“Actually, yes they do.” a voice in the doorway called out as everyone turned to see Kronk holding Stephano’s suitcase. Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and felt relieved. They hadn’t noticed that the herpetologist had left and they were glad that Stephano hadn’t noticed either. Kronk walked over and handed the suitcase to Klaus. Klaus gestured for everyone to follow him and Sunny into the Reptile Room. Mr. Poe, Dr. Lucafont, and Stephano followed him, but Kronk stood silently in the living room smiling to himself on a job well done. Part of him wanted to stay...but he couldn’t. He couldn’t risk allowing the authorities to find him. He frowned in the direction of the Baudelaires. He decided he’d at least stay long enough to be sure that Mr. Poe believed them. The second that he was certain their happy ending was around the corner, he’d hide away in his taxi and wait until the authorities left. He knew Jacquelyn was still waiting at her post...she could stand guard but he didn’t entirely trust her. She was here when Monty got killed and she didn’t do anything at all to fix that situation. Kronk walked back into the Reptile Room to pretend for the final time that he was retrieving Monty’s collection. He just wanted to watch the show. 


	25. The One Where Mr. Poe Finally Sees the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've finished Reptile Room, y'all. This was longer than I had expected or remembered. I don't believe Wide Window and Miserable Mill are this long...But either way, thank you so much for all the support. It means a lot. This is super fun and it honestly makes my day seeing you guys enjoy this fic. Love you guys!
> 
> -Sue

** _Chapter Twenty-Four_ **

_ The One Where Mr. Poe Finally Sees the Truth _

“What is all this?” Mr. Poe asked turning his attention to Klaus who set Stephano’s suitcase on Uncle Monty’s desk. 

“Evidence, which we found in Stephano’s suitcase,” Klaus replied.

“My suitcase is private property, which you are not allowed to touch. It’s very rude of you, and besides it was locked.”

“You’re right, it  _ was  _ locked but Sunny picked the lock,” Klaus said as Sunny clapped her hands and stuck her tongue out at Stephano.

“Sunny, is that true?” Mr. Poe asked looking down at the infant.

“Fuck yeah!” Sunny yelled nodding.

“It was an emergency,” Klaus said.

“Nice girls shouldn’t know how to do that sort of thing,”

“That’s what I said,” Stephano muttered.

“My sister  _ is  _ a nice girl and she can do all sorts of things,” 

“We’ll discuss this later,” Mr. Poe said between coughs, “Please continue,”

“When Uncle Monty died, Sunny and I were very sad, but we were also very suspicious…” Klaus began as Sunny shook her head.

“Malum!” Sunny shrieked, which meant, “We weren’t suspicious! If someone is suspicious, it means they’re unsure! We were positive that Stephano killed him!”

Klaus nodded at her. “Pardon me, Sunny’s right. We  _ weren’t  _ suspicious because we knew for a fucking fact that Stephano killed our uncle!” 

“Nonsense!” Dr. Lucafont said, “ As I explained to all of you, Montgomery Montgomery’s death was an accident. I found venom in his veins!”

“And like we told  _ you  _ that you may have found venom in his veins, I’m not denying  _ that _ . But what I am  _ disproving  _ is that the Mamba Du Mal bit him because...it didn’t.” Klaus said.

“But there were bite marks on his cheek clearly from a snake,” Dr. Lucafont replied.

“That stumped me, too. That’s why we decided to search Stephano’s suitcase. We knew he wasn’t dumb enough to leave any evidence behind. That’s when I found these.”

“But that’s nothing! It’s my random junk collection, which is private property, illegally obtained and therefore not admissible in court.” Stephano said.

“Quisquiliae!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “Well, you’re not wrong...this is mainly junk. But that’s when we noticed  _ this _ !” As Klaus translated for his sister, he held up a glass vial.

“Uncle Monty told us that he keeps venom samples in his cabinet from every venomous snake known to man,” Klaus stated. 

“Femina!” Sunny added.

Klaus smiled down at Sunny, “...and woman,” 

“Mr. Poe, we believe if you open that cabinet right there, you will find a sample is missing,” Klaus said pointing to the venom vial cabinet.

“There’s an empty spot on the shelf. The label says “Mamba Du Mal”,” 

Klaus opened up the book once more and read aloud, “The Mamba Du Mal is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere, known for its powerful venom…”

“Then it’s obvious, the Mamba Du Mal got out of its cage, stole a vial of its own venom, and murdered Dr. Montgomery in cold blood,” Stephano commented interrupting Klaus.

“Ah-ha! Wait, that’s ridiculous…” Mr. Poe said.

“But...but...but the bite marks…” Stephano tried.

“Mordere!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Aren’t bite marks at all, jackass. I can show you what real bite marks look like!” Klaus translated as Sunny glared at Stephano showing off her teeth. 

“See, when we first saw these items, we weren’t sure how they fit together. But thanks to a helpful herpetologist, who concentrated on each item as if they were parts of a machine and that’s when he realized they fit together.” Klaus said as he lifted the put together object. “Lady and Gentlemen, the murder weapon!”

“Incredible! Astounding!” Dr. Lucafont commented as Stephano glared at him. 

“Now, if I’m correct, Stephano used this double-barrel syringe to inject the venom into Uncle Monty, to simulate the double puncture marks of a snake. Then he disassembled it to hide the evidence.” Klaus said placing the weapon down.

“But I loved Dr. Montgomery. What motive would I possibly have to murder him?”

“Fortunae!” Sunny chimed in, which probably meant, “You’re after the fucking Baudelaire fortune!” Klaus translated for his sister. 

“When I turn eighteen, as we all know,” Klaus continued explaining just in case Mr. Poe and Dr. Lucafont still didn’t get it. “I will inherit the Baudelaire fortune, and Stephano intended to get that fortune for himself. It would be easier to do so if we were in a location that has lax guardianship laws and where crimes are much harder to trace, such as Peru. That’s why he kept trying to get us alone with him, he planned on kidnapping Sunny and I and whisking us away to Peru to do who knows what to us!” 

“Tessera?” Sunny asked her brother, which meant, “But...Monty ripped Stephano’s ticket...we saw him…?”

Klaus frowned and sighed. “You’re right, Sunny. Monty did rip Stephano’s ticket to Peru. Which is why he had to get Uncle Monty out of the way. He killed Uncle Monty…” he shuddered but continued, “He killed Uncle Monty, and took his laminated card for the Herpetological Society. He planned to pose as Uncle Monty to get on board the Prospero, and whisk us away to Peru where he can somehow gain our money.” Sunny nodded at Klaus’ explanation to the one part of Stephano’s plan that she didn’t fully understand. 

“But I don’t understand,” Mr. Poe said.

“Mirum,” Sunny said rolling her eyes, this meant, “Shocker.”

“How would Stephano even know about the Baudelaire fortune?” Mr. Poe asked.

Before Klaus could answer his question, Stephano said, “I thought they were penniless orphans. They certainly dress like penniless orphans.”

“That’s because everything we owned burned up in a fire...but you already knew that,” Klaus said.

“How would he know that?” Mr. Poe asked like the dumbass that he is.

Klaus rolled his eyes at Mr. Poe and sighed. “Like we’ve told you... _ a thousand fucking times  _ ** _because he’s Count Olaf!”_ ** Klaus yelled angrily. “He may have shaved his head, and trimmed off his eyebrow, but the only way he could get rid of that God awful tattoo on his left ankle was with  _ this  _ powder puff and a hand mirror. There’s makeup all over his left ankle, to hide his tattoo! I bet if we rub it with some kind of cloth we can see his tattoo!” 

Stephano glared at Klaus with shiny, shiny eyes. “The kid detective thing is cute, but we have already dismissed  _ that  _ theory!”

“We’ll see about that,” Mr. Poe comments, “Now, who has a cloth?”

“Not me,” Klaus said.

“Guweel!” Sunny said.

“Well, if nobody has a cloth, we might as well forget the whole thing,” Dr. Lucafont said, but Mr. Poe held up his finger to tell him to wait. To the relief of Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, he reached into his pocket and withdrew his handkerchief.

“Your left ankle, sir.” 

“Don’t come near me with that thing! You’ve been coughing germs into it all day!” Stephano yelled.

“Oh, if you’re really who these children say you are, then germs are the least of your problems. Your left ankle, please.”

He glanced first at Sunny and then at Klaus giving both children an evil smirk. “...if you insist,” Stephano lifted his left ankle on to Monty’s desk and Mr. Poe used the disgusting handkerchief to rub off the makeup that covered his tattoo. 

“For the first time in my life, I”m happy to see that awful tattoo,” Klaus said smiling as Sunny nodded.

“That’s the eye, all right,” Mr. Poe said and stopped rubbing Count Olaf’s ankle. “You are most definitely Count Olaf, and you are most definitely under arrest.”

“And I am most definitely shocked,” Dr. Lucafont said, clapping his oddly solid hands to his head. 

“As am I,” Mr. Poe said, “Klaus, Sunny, please forgive me for not believing you earlier. It just seemed too far-fetched that he would have searched you out, disguise himself, and concoct an elaborate plan to steal your fortune.”

“Bravo, children.” Count Olaf said in a tone so cold and chilling that Klaus began to shake. He stepped in front of Sunny. “Yes, I admit it. I killed Monty. I also killed his assistant, Gustav. I shot him with a poison dart and watched as he drowned in the Swarthy Swamp. Then I forged a note saying he quit.” Count Olaf looked at the two children as if he were going to run over and stranger but instead he stood absolutely still, which somehow was even scarier. “But that’s  _ nothing  _ compared to what I will do to  _ you _ , orphans. You have won this round of our little game, but…” The wicked man smiled at Mr. Poe and then at the Baudelaire orphans. “The question is...what are  _ you  _ going to do about it?” he asked Mr. Poe.

Mr. Poe backed up into a bookcase, “I’m going to send you to jail for a very long time,” He looked at Dr. Lucafont. “Arrest this man!”

Dr. Lucafont looked at Mr. Poe confused, “Sir, I’m a doctor, not a police officer. I don’t really have any jurisdiction.”

“Oh,” Mr. Poe said, “Oh dear.”

And instead of killing Mr. Poe like any normal person would, Olaf simply pushed him out of his way as he walked towards Klaus and Sunny. Klaus using his foot as gently as he could scooted Sunny under Dr. Montgomery’s desk and pushed the chair in as much as he could as to not hurt his sister. Sunny protested to this but Klaus kept his foot in place to keep the chair in place. 

“Now if you don’t mind,” Olaf said as he grabbed Klaus roughly by the shoulders, “I’ll be taking the boy with me.” 

Klaus struggled but Olaf’s grip on his shoulders only got tighter, eventually becoming tight enough where it was hurting Klaus’ already injured shoulder. Klaus looked to Mr. Poe and Dr. Lucafont for help but neither adult moved to help him. Klaus looked around the room desperately for Kronk but to his horror, the kind man was nowhere to be found.

“Let’s go, brat. We can still catch that boat,” Olaf said as he shoved Klaus forward. Suddenly, a loud screeching hiss could be heard behind Olaf. “That’s just the screeching iguana clock,” Olaf muttered looking at Dr. Lucafont’s terrified expression. 

“Ummm...boss,” the doctor whispered and with his odd stiff hand, he pointed behind Olaf. Olaf and Klaus slowly turned around to see that the Incredibly Deadly Viper was now in Olaf’s face glaring at him with his green, shiny eyes. Before he could even react, the snake slithered around both of Olaf’s hands effectively making him release Klaus. Klaus backed up to where his sister was to protect her as they both watched in awe as Ink continued to try and tie Olaf with its body, all the while trying to bite him for hurting his friends.

“Go Ink!” Sunny chanted. Finally, Dr. Lucafont grabbed Olaf and pinned his arms behind his back. 

“...I’ll take it from here. I can drive Stephano in my car to the police station,” Dr. Lucafont said. 

“Well, why don’t we just call the police and the children can ride with you in your car. I’d hate to disappoint the kids after they’ve had such a trying time.” Mr. Poe said.

“We couldn’t care less about the inside of doctor’s automobile,” Klaus said impatiently. “We only made that up so we wouldn’t be trapped alone with Count Olaf.”

“Now, now, you shouldn’t tell lies, orphans,” Olaf said.

“Fuck you!” Sunny yelled.

“I don’t think  _ you _ are in a position to give moral lectures to  _ anyone, _ Olaf.” Klaus comments.

“All right, Dr. Lucafont, take him away.” Mr. Poe said.

Dr. Lucafont released his grip on Olaf’s arms and grabbed Olaf’s shoulder with one of his oddly stiff hands, and shoved him the way that Olaf had shoved Klaus. Dr. Lucafont stopped at the door of the Reptile Room and gave the children a thin smile. “Say goodbye to the orphans, Olaf.” 

“Goodbye, orphans,” he said in a chilling tone.

“Goodbye, fucker,” Klaus replied.

Mr. Poe coughed into his handkerchief and gave a sort of disgusted half-wave at Olaf, indicating goodbye. But Sunny didn’t say anything. Klaus looked down at her surprised that she hadn’t said, “Yeet!” which was one of her ways to say goodbye. But Sunny was still staring at Dr. Lucafont with a determined look in her eye, and in a moment she had leaped into the air and bitten him on the hand. 

“Sunny!” Klaus said and was about to apologize for his sister’s behavior until he saw Dr. Lucafont’s whole hand come loose from his arm and fall to the floor. As Sunny clamped down on it with her four sharp teeth, the hand made a crackling sound, like a breaking wood or plastic rather than skin or bone. And when Klaus looked at the place where Dr. Lucafont’s hand had been, he saw no blood or indication of a wound, but a shiny, metal hook. Dr. Lucafont looked at the hook, too, and then at Klaus, and grinned horribly. Count Olaf grinned too, and in a second the two darted out the door.

“The hook-handed man!” Klaus shouted, “He’s not a doctor! He’s one of Olaf’s henchmen!” Instinctively, Klaus grabbed the air where the two men had been standing, but of course, they weren’t standing there anymore. 

“Fugent!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Let’s chase after him!” 

Klaus quickly lifted Sunny into his arms and ran after the dangerous men. 

“Make sure they follow you,” Olaf said to his henchman. 

“Where are you going, boss?”

“...International waters,” he said turning and heading towards Monty’s maze. 

“Count Olaf is driving away!” Klaus yelled as he watched the ‘doctor’s automobile’ driving away.

“No!” Sunny yelled pointing towards the maze. “Maze!” 

Klaus sighed but ran quickly following Olaf into the maze. Both Baudelaires didn’t know what they would do if they were to catch Olaf but at this point, they didn’t give a damn. 

“Pu tilps!” Sunny suggested, which meant, “If we split up, we can cut him off!” 

Klaus just shook his head and started walking further. He refused to split up from his sister. He held her tight and finally reached the middle of the maze. 

“It’s a dead end...no...that’s impossible.” Klaus cried.

“Ecarter?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Can we retrace our steps?”

“ _ What’s the point!?”  _ Klaus cried as he fell to the ground. “It’s all wrong! Count Olaf escaped! Uncle Monty is dead! We never got to go to Peru or say goodbye! Or ask him about this!”

“Huh?” Sunny asked confused as Klaus took out Monty’s expedition journal and removed the ticket stub that he used as a bookmark. 

“This is Monty’s handwriting...he must have copied it down during the movie.” Klaus said, “I’m not sure how...but he got a message. He must have some secret way to receive it.” He removed the half of the spyglass that he had been holding on to. “He used this…”

“A good labyrinth is full of secrets,” a woman’s voice said from behind them.

Klaus held his sister closer to him, “who are you? Why are you dressed as a statue?”

“Both excellent questions, Klaus Baudelaire. Although, they’re the wrong questions.”

“You’re that actress from the strange zombie movie…” Klaus said absentmindedly.

“Recep!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “You work for Mr. Poe,” Klaus translated for his sister.

“It’s more a volunteer position. I’m sorry I was unable to help your uncle, but I can still bring Olaf to justice,” Jacquelyn said as she began to show them the way out of the maze.

“Uncle Monty had a spyglass like  _ this.  _ What was he trying to tell us? What’s in Peru?”

“Forget Peru, Baudelaires. It’s been compromised,” she replied.

“Who sent him the message? Who was that man who helped us? Where’d he go? Do you work with him?” Klaus asked.

“I know you both have a great many questions, and I promised there are a great many answers. Find your Aunt Josephine. She’s a fierce and formidable woman. She can keep you safe and tell you everything you need to know. Let me handle Olaf.” They arrived at the beginning of the maze, she smiled at both children as she ran back into the labyrinth in hopes of catching up to Olaf. I wish I could inform you that my research indicates that Miss Jacquelyn was able to reach Olaf...but, unfortunately, she was unable to capture him. I can inform that she was left unharmed for Olaf was no match for her. 

When the Baudelaires got back to the front of Monty’s house, they were confused to find a different man, who wasn’t Kronk, taking Monty’s reptiles away. “Wait, what’s happening?” Klaus asked as Sunny looked distressed.

“Apparently, that ‘Kronk’ fellow was not a member of the Herpetological Society. This man, Bruce, is here to actually retrieve Monty’s collection and send them to other scientists, zoos, and retirement homes, where their caretakers won’t die on them.” Mr. Poe answered.

“But they’re Uncle Monty’s collection! It took him years to find all these reptiles! You can’t just scatter them to the winds!” Klaus shouted and Sunny nodded her head in agreement.

“It’s the way it has to be,” Mr. Poe said.

“Viper!” Sunny shouted and Klaus walked towards Bruce. 

“Sir, do you think it’s possible if we can take one snake with us? The Incredibly Deadly Viper? My sister is very close friends with him. You’d be making an orphaned infant very happy.” Klaus asked as sweetly as he could. 

“First off,  _ no.  _ That guy Poe said all the snakes belong to us, now. Secondly, if you think I’m going to let small children near the Incredibly Deadly Viper, think again.” Bruce replied rather rudely.

“But Ink is harmless. His name is a misnomer.” Klaus said.

“A what?” 

“It means a very wrong name. Our Uncle Monty discovered it, so he got to name it.” Klaus explained.

“But the guy was supposed to be brilliant. Giving a snake the wrong name doesn’t sound brilliant to me. It sounds idiotic. But what can you expect from a man whose name is Montgomery Montgomery?”

“It’s not nice to lampoon someone’s name like that,” Klaus said annoyed as Sunny looked like she was about to cry. 

“I don’t have time to ask you what ‘lampoon’ means, but if the baby here wants to wave bye-bye to the Incredibly Deadly Viper, she’d better do it soon. It’s already outside.” Bruce said.

Sunny squirmed frantically until her brother put her on the ground, and she crawled as fast as she could. But Klaus wasn’t through talking to Bruce. “Our Uncle Monty  _ was  _ brilliant! He was also kind and caring, and we will always remember him as such.” Klaus said firmly.

“Brilliant!” Sunny shouted, in mid-crawl, Klaus smiled down at her, surprised she had uttered such a large word. 

“It’s nice you feel that way, kid,” Bruce said as he lit a cigarette. “Good luck wherever they place you.” 

Klaus followed his sister and he wasn’t surprised to see what she was doing. She was frantically using her teeth to lockpick the lock that was attached to Ink’s cage. “Kaerbliaj,” Sunny whispered to her brother, which meant, “I’m breaking Ink out. We might not be able to keep him, but he deserves to be free.” Klaus sighed and smiled at Sunny. 

Klaus kept watch for Sunny and ushered her to hurry. In a matter of a minute, the lock broke and she looked at Ink. “Libertas!” she said to Ink, which meant, “Freedom!” Ink looked at her and then at Klaus, he softly hissed. The Baudelaires didn’t know any better but it looked like he was sad but grateful. He slithered around Sunny one last time and hugged her as tightly as he could without suffocating her. He licked her cheek and hissed softly. Sunny gently bit Ink back and hugged him as tight as she could. Klaus looked like he was about to cry. Ink then wrapped himself around the elder Baudelaire child and hugged him, licking his cheek and giving Klaus a soft hiss. Klaus wiped a tear from his eye. “We’ll miss you. Thank you.” Klaus said to the snake as he lifted his sister in his arms. 

“Bye-bye,” Sunny whispered as the snake began to slither away. Ink knew he had to go before Bruce discovered what the Baudelaires would have done. As he slithered away, he looked back at both Baudelaires. He saw Klaus trying his best to hold back tears as Sunny cried. Both children waved to the snake and Sunny blew kisses. Eventually, the snake disappeared into the maze.

Sunny began to bawl loudly as Klaus began to walk back to the front of Monty’s house. “Shhh, Sunny. You did a good thing,” Klaus said, “And who knows...maybe we’ll see him again.”

“Cogitas?” Sunny asked hopefully which meant, “You think?”

Klaus nodded. “Maybe our luck will change…” he said.

“Let’s go Baudelaires. Grab your things. I’ve called a taxi and we’re going to your next guardian.” Mr. Poe said.

“NO!” both Baudelaires yelled. 

“We know where we’re going,” Klaus said angrily.

“I know where you’re going, too. And I’m the adult so I get to decide. You’re going to your Aunt Josephine.”

“Really?” Klaus asked.

“She’s next on the list.” Mr. Poe said as he ushered the kids into the house.

_________________________________________________________

Violet Snicket had been utterly confused since she stepped foot out of that movie. She had more questions than she started with and that’s not even counting the new questions all her snooping through her father’s desk drawer gave her. She did not know much of what her father was currently investigating. All she did know was she needed to get that weird cylinder object and see everything it does. She had a feeling that would be hard. Since her father had left so abruptly, again. She had been snooping the whole apartment desperately looking for the damn thing. Since she hadn’t found it yet, she concluded that he must have it on him. Which irritated her. She thought about looking it over while he was sleeping. If she wanted answers to her questions she may have to do that. 

Violet stared at her father’s investigation board in utter confusion. It looked so disorganized and so cluttered. But she didn’t dare more anything, she knew he’d notice, he noticed the picture that she had taken down, she also knew how important this was to him but she just couldn’t help but wonder why her father was investigating the lives of two children. She knew her father was a lonely man and he was in desperate need of some hobbies, or even a friend, but this just did not make any sense to her whatsoever.

Was her father investigating a fire? If he was, why? She understood that he had odd jobs to keep himself busy...but who would want her father to help investigate a recent fire?

She froze as she thought she heard the door. She and her father were close, that’s why she knew he was hiding something. That trip to the beach wasn’t just so he can see her newest invention. She knew this because he had a random picture of Briny Beach on his investigation board. Which confused her even more. But if he wasn’t going to tell her, she would figure it out herself. That’s what she had decided. That’s why she followed him into the movie theaters. She was going to snoop until she found every answer to every question. She was a little anxious about getting caught. She didn’t usually lie to her father, so trying to figure out clever stories to tell him, was difficult. Sooner or later, her ‘pretending to be working on an invention’ ruse isn’t going to work. She may be Lemony Snicket’s daughter but she definitely didn’t have his way with words, she was an articulate and intelligent young woman but she didn’t have a vocabulary quite like her father’s. She wasn’t able to twist and bend words to make elaborate and exciting stories like he could. She was more of an inventor, she can easily take things apart and put them back together again but differently to create something new. She frowned. Her father knew how to lie to her. It seemed to be so easy for him. If it was so easy, how many lies has he told her throughout her entire life? How much of his life was he hiding? Part of her didn’t want to know. She feared the truth would ruin their bond. Which would devastate her, since he’s all she has.

Violet cautiously watched the doorknob, she felt like it wasn’t a good time to test her luck, so she ran to the living room where she plopped on the floor beside a pile of tools and whatnot. She may not be a good liar, but she knew how to create an alibi, even if it was the same alibi each time. 

Lemony casually walked inside the house with what seemed to look like a beekeepers hat in his hands. She just looked curiously at him.

“Hey Violet, how has your day been?” He asked.

“You know...so-so,” she replied, “You know I’ve missed you. What’s stolen all your attention and time from your only daughter?”

Lemony frowned. He wanted to explain  _ everything  _ to her. He did, but he didn’t know how...he didn’t know if it was a good thing right now. Maybe he could tell her some things here and there.

Violet taking his silence as an answer all on its own, simply stood up. “Did you bring dinner? I’m starved.”

Lemony smiled. “Yes, I brought home your favorite.”

Violet’s face lit up. “Potstickers?”

“Well, I believe they are still your favorite but I could be wrong,”

She rolled her eyes. “From the Chinese place down the road,”

He simply nodded handing her the bag of Chinese food.

“Why don’t you set the table, I’m going to change.”

She laughed. “Thank God, I wasn’t going to say anything but you smell like...black pepper...no, ginger,”

He rolled his eyes smiling. “It’s horseradish,”

“Why do you smell like horseradish?”

“That’s top-secret business. You know when I’m working as a private investigator I can’t give any details about any cases. It’s highly confidential.”

Violet just nodded turning away biting her lip. She slightly shook her head and blinked the tears from her eyes. He was lying to her. About what? She didn’t know. But he was definitely hiding something from her. Every time he lies to her, he only makes her more determined to figure it out, no matter what.


	26. The One With Contemplations and Peppermints

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, quick trigger warning. There is a small section of this chapter that can be described with having a mild gore. Please be aware of that. Read cautiously and I hope you like it.
> 
> -Sue

** _Chapter Twenty-Five:_ **

_ The One With Contemplations and Peppermints _

Violet Snicket had a hard time sleeping that night. She and her father had a rather awkward dinner because Violet was beginning to believe it was easier not to talk to him than to hear all of his lies. She hated even thinking like that, but she didn’t know how else to feel. She was used to her father’s private investigating but it was never this secretive.  _ Never.  _ He also wouldn’t spend this much time not at home. Violet knew from living with her father for nearly her entire life that he was a man who hated being in public. He preferred to work at home. But this case was keeping him from his house. There was also the weird phone call that he got from this Jacquelyn woman, whom she never saw at the movies. Which further proved to her that her father was lying and hiding things from her. He wasn’t on a date, honestly, she didn’t fully understand what he was doing but it definitely wasn’t going on a date. He sat by himself and every time that Violet could hear a faint bell ding, he would use, what she believed to be a spyglass, to look at the screen. Then after that bit of dialogue would pass, her father would write something down quickly.  _ That could explain why a movie in English had English subtitles.  _ She thought to herself as she glanced at the clock. It was a little after one in the morning. She groaned.  _ This is pointless. Simply pointless.  _ She got out of bed and paced quietly around the small apartment that she called home. She knew she should be asleep but there were just too many things on her mind. From the information she gained from the folder in her father’s drawer, to the movie, to all of her father’s blatant lies, nothing made any sense. 

Violet grabbed her commonplace book and began to jot down a few of her main questions. What is _ so important about these two kids? What does that spyglass do? How did her father receive a message during a movie? Why was he investigating a fire? What happened to make her mother reject her father’s marriage proposal? What else is her father hiding?  _ And her biggest question,  _ Where is my birth mother?  _ She circled all the questions she had written down and under the last circle she wrote  _ Is this all connected?  _ She quickly hid her commonplace book back into her backpack and sighed. 

She pondered if she should take this precious time while her father was sleeping and snoop around for that spyglass. It was a pretty risky plan. Her father wasn’t a heavy sleeper and it was easier to snoop around when he was not home and couldn’t sneak up on her. But she feared that this may be her only opportunity because he was more likely to bring it with him wherever he went. She sighed and knelt down next to his backpack. She carefully unzipped it as quietly as she could, glancing towards the direction where her father would appear if he were to wake up. She shuffled around his backpack slowly and quietly, looking for anything that resembled a shiny cylinder. After a few minutes of this, she sighed angrily.  _ Nothing.  _ She thought to herself. 

She then decided to look in the drawer that she had unlocked earlier, but after shuffling the papers in the drawer around, she again found nothing. She closed her eyes in frustration and tried to think like her father. Violet thought for a few minutes on possible hiding spots, some that were easily accessible to her and some that weren’t. She decided that she’d try a few more places before she tried to go back to sleep. It didn’t hurt to at least try. She was certain her father wouldn’t wake up. She snuck into his room, her heart was in her chest, she just needed to find the overalls he was wearing that day. 

It didn’t take her long, her father had them in a laundry basket in the corner of the room. She was grateful that they were on the top because she didn’t know how quiet she could be if she had to find the overalls by separating the laundry. She closed her eyes and hoped that this would lead her to fewer questions. She slipped her hand into one of the pockets and her fingers brushed something that was cold. She smiled and pulled the object out of the pocket.  _ Jackpot!  _ She thought to herself. She held tightly to the spyglass as she stood up and quickly walked back to her father’s desk. 

She turned on the tiny desk lamp and began to turn the spyglass in her hand. It had dials along the side of it, with symbols that Violet didn’t fully understand. She expanded it and put it to her eyes, twisting and turning dials as quietly as she could waiting for it to do something. But to her disappointment, nothing happened. She stared at the dials long and hard.  _ There must be some sort of combination...or combinations to get this thing to fucking work.  _ She thought. She glanced over it again, turning it in every direction in her hands. She noticed the weird symbol on the top of it. To her, it looked slightly like a weird drawing of an eye. She didn’t know why, but this symbol looked familiar. Like she’s seen it before. She closed her eyes trying to remember where in the world she has seen this strange symbol. 

After several minutes of contemplation, Violet sighed and rubbed her temples. She concluded that she was getting too tired, she needed to rest her brain. Maybe then she’ll remember exactly where she has seen this symbol because she was almost entirely certain that she has seen this eye somewhere...several times even. She just couldn’t put her finger on it. She decided that she was going to hide the spyglass. She needed more time to figure out exactly what this thing does. She wasn’t going to risk her father realizing that he had left it out and then actually hiding it from her. She hopes he doesn’t notice it missing. She looked around the room looking for a good hiding spot before deciding that she was going to keep it as close to her as she could. She placed it under her pillow and laid back down. She was smiling now. She hoped that the spyglass was going to answer a few of her questions instead of adding to them.

__________________________________________________________

Lemony ran down the street.  _ Where is she?!  _ He asked panicked. He looked each direction, he swore he could hear her calling for him. But he couldn’t see her. He was becoming desperate. What had he done? What did he do? He ran into a park.

_ Help!  _ He heard her scream. 

_ No...No...No…!  _ He thought. He wanted to yell, he wanted to assure her that he was coming to her rescue but he was afraid of giving himself away. His best tactic right now would be the element of surprise. He had to sneak up on this piece of shit and save her that way. He felt tears in his eyes.  _ What have I done!?  _ He asked himself as the lights in the park went out. The air had a creepy, chilling aura to it now. He looked around, but he was in pure darkness. How was he going to find her now? 

He heard another scream. He was getting nervous, shaking and sweating, he couldn’t see so he didn’t know exactly what he was going to be up against although he had an idea. Eventually, he reached a halt. In the black darkness he could see a pair of shiny eyes looking right at him, five maybe ten feet from him. His heart sank into his chest when he could hear her whimpers.  _ He has her.  _ He thought as he began to glare his enemy down. 

“Well, well, well,” Olaf said while smirking, “It's nice of you to join us, Snicket.”

Lemony shuddered as Olaf said his name. He didn’t say anything just continued to glare at the vile man.

“You know, you should’ve  _ never  _ bothered trying to save the Baudelaire children…” Olaf said in a voice that sent chills down Lemony’s spine. “If it weren’t for you being so meddlesome I would have  _ never  _ found out about  _ her. _ ” Lemony heard his daughter wince in pain. 

“Leave her alone! She’s done nothing to you!” Lemony yelled patting his pockets wishing he had brought some sort of weapon. The only thing he had in his pocket was the stupid spyglass. What would he do with that? Beat Olaf upside the head with it? Even if he did, it wasn’t going to do enough damage. 

“You’re right... _ she  _ hasn’t...but you and Beatrice…” Olaf began.

“Leave Beatrice out of this!” Lemony yelled. “Leave my daughter out of it! This is between us!” 

Olaf merely shook his head as Lemony heard another wince of pain coming from his daughter. “The way I see it, an eye for an eye.” 

“Dad...what is he talking about?” Violet asked her voice heavy from her tears and her fears.

“N-nothing...honey,” Lemony replied. 

“Nothing?” Olaf said laughing menacingly. “She’s going to die and you’re going to sit here lying to her?”

“She’s...she’s not going to die because if you even...if you even fucking try, I’ll…”

“You’ll what? Shoot me with a poison dart? Like you did my parents?” Olaf asked. “Why don’t you tell her, Snicket. Explain to her why she’s going to  _ die because of you. _ ”

Lemony took a step closer and Olaf put Violet into a headlock and slowly began to choke the young girl. “Release her NOW!”

Olaf smiled at Lemony. “An eye for an eye.” 

“...Mr. Lemons…” Violet cried, her voice shaky from her lack of oxygen. 

“Olaf…” Lemony said stepping even closer, ready to pounce on the motherfucker.

“You think I’m afraid of you, Snicket? I have nothing left to lose…” he looked down at Violet. “You, on the other hand, do.” Using his free hand, he pulled out a long knife. Before Lemony had any time to react, Olaf gave him one last smirk and looked down at Violet. “You know...if you  _ never  _ would’ve bothered with the Baudelaire children...I never would’ve known that you were still alive...and I never would’ve known of  _ her  _ existence.” He said and with one quick swipe of the knife, he had sliced Violet’s throat open. Not enough to decapitate her, but enough to have her slowly bleed to death. Olaf released the girl as she fell to the ground trying to stop the bleeding with her hands. Her eyes were wild.

“Dad!” she cried as her eyes threatened to close. Lemony sank to his knees as Olaf began to walk away with a smile on his face. He applied pressure to his daughter’s fatal wound and began screaming for help. 

“Honey...Daddy’s here. Don’t...go…” he pleaded as tears poured down his face. “I...I’m sorry…please Violet...don’t….don’t leave…” 

Violet looked to her father, he could see her shocked, tear-filled blue eyes shined in the night sky as her eyelids began to slowly close. She opened her mouth to say something but no words came out.

“Violet…” he cried. “No! Honey...don’t go...I’m sorry. Please.  _ Please. Violet!”  _

She didn’t reply, she laid there on the ground. Pale as a ghost, as if she had her life drained from her. Lemony looked all around, screaming for help. Refusing to believe that she was gone. “...Violet…” he whimpered.

Lemony jolted awake in a cold sweat. “ _ Violet! _ ” he called out loudly as he jumped out of bed and rushed to where he hoped she was. He sighed in relief when he saw her lying on her bed asleep, away from the dangers of the world. He covered his mouth as he began to sob. It was just a nightmare but it felt so real. The whole thing felt as though it was truly happening and he couldn’t help but just fall apart. He wanted to wake her up, to hold her, to never let her go but he knew he shouldn’t...she would ask him what’s wrong and he wouldn’t be able to tell her. He put his head in his hands and sobbed for what seemed like hours. 

_ Is this worth it?  _ He pondered to himself. Was getting involved with Beatrice’s other children worth this? What if Olaf discovered that he was alive? What if then Olaf realized that he and Beatrice had a child? What if Olaf goes after Violet? What if he kills her…? He sighed. No, he can’t let that happen. He had to stop this. He had to forget about Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. His heart was heavy with guilt. All of this was his fault and now he didn’t know what to do. On one hand, Violet was  _ his  _ daughter.  _ His  _ main concern before anything and everything else. He had to protect her well being, her life. But on the other hand, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire were children...who had  _ nobody.  _ Nobody but him was protecting them from Olaf. Not a single member of VFD cared about these children. Besides Jacquelyn, Gustav, and Larry. But that was because he got them involved in the Baudelaire case. If he hadn’t, Lemony doubted that anyone would’ve stepped up and helped the children when they were placed in Olaf’s custody.

He was between a rock and a hard place. He understood that the Baudelaires weren’t his children...but they were children...they were Beatrice’s children...they were helpless, defenseless kids who needed someone like him on their side. But Violet was also a child, she was also Beatrice’s child, the only difference between her and her two younger half-siblings was the fact that Lemony didn’t father the other two. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to risk Violet’s life anymore but he didn’t want to risk their lives either. 

_ Why did I ever convince Beatrice to…  _ he couldn’t finish the thought.  _ An eye for an eye.  _ That’s all he could hear in his head, but he wasn’t the one saying it. Olaf was. All he could hear was Olaf’s voice repeating ‘an eye for an eye’. Lemony knew wholeheartedly that if Olaf ever found out about Violet’s existence, he’d use Violet against him. He’d hurt her...he’d kill her like some sick sort of payback for what he and Beatrice had done to him. Goddammit _ !  _ He thought. He wished that his daughter could invent a time machine, if there was one day in his life that he would take back, it was the day he convinced Beatrice, Bertrand, and his sister, Kit, into following VFD’s sick orders to execute both parents of a man, who at that time, was his friend. That man was going to be his brother-in-law had things played out differently. But now that man was someone Lemony despised because he was taking his anger out on children, children of the people who had wronged him. Innocent fucking children who didn’t do anything but be born. The Baudelaires and Violet didn’t choose who their parents were, they got stuck with what they got. Now that man was the fuel for his nightmares. He didn’t want to close his eyes ever again, each time he blinked he saw a quick snippet of his nightmare, mainly the part where Olaf slices Violet’s throat and leaves her to fucking die. He glanced down at his daughter again, he was honestly surprised that his screaming and sobbing didn’t wake her. 

He sighed, unsure of what to do. His subconscious was telling him that it was better for him to forget about the Baudelaire children and focus on his daughter’s safety. But his guilty conscious was telling him that he couldn’t forget about the Baudelaire children. They were in their predicament all because of  _ him _ . He took one last glance at his daughter, happy to see her safe. He laid back down in his bed but he didn’t try to go to sleep, he was too afraid to. He laid there as his mind wandered as he debated whether or not to quit his mission or continue.

______________________________________________________________

If you don’t know much about the Baudelaire orphans, and you saw them arriving on Damocles Dock, you might think that they were bound for an exciting adventure. Now although Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire were about to experience events that would be both exciting and memorable, it is my deepest regret to inform you that they will not be exciting and memorable in the ways that you’d like. They will be exciting and memorable in all the worst ways. I would love to be able to tell you that the Baudelaires were able to live happily ever after with their Aunt Josephine. Oh, I can’t tell you enough that those are the words I so desperately wish I could type. Oh...I would give everything to tell you that this story ends here. Alas, it is not my job to weave in happy endings where they do not occur but to report the actual events in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children. And as much as it pains me, I must admit that their troubles had only just begun.

Klaus Baudelaire was currently sitting on his suitcase trying to read one of the books that he had taken from his Uncle Monty’s house. But his mind was wandering too much for him to truly focus on what he was reading. Klaus set his book down in defeat as he stared out at the water of Lake Lachrymose. He tried to wrap his mind around everything that had happened to him and his younger sister, Sunny, so far but he couldn’t place any of the pieces together. Klaus wondered about the man who called himself ‘Kronk’ and was so helpful to the Baudelaire orphans when they needed to find evidence to prove that their Uncle Monty’s death was a result of murder, not an accident. Kronk had claimed to be part of the Herpetological Society, which is why he was at Monty’s house in the first place, but after Count Olaf had escaped, the children learned that Kronk was a fraud. They knew this because they met a rude man named Bruce, who smelt of cigars and sweat. Unlike Kronk, he was actually from the Herpetological Society and he was there to retrieve all of Uncle Monty’s reptiles and find homes for them. Klaus didn’t understand who Kronk was or why he helped the children under false pretenses. He couldn’t wrap his head around why someone would lie about why he was doing good deeds. Klaus didn’t wish any ill will towards Kronk, even if he was a lying, secretive asshole. He was honestly grateful, if it weren’t for Kronk, he and his baby sister would have been whisked away to Peru. 

Klaus wondered about his Uncle Monty’s secretive behavior. Monty had a spyglass that was similar to the one Klaus held in his pocket. Monty also used it while they were at the movies, which Klaus was entirely confused about it. He only had one half of the spyglass and he wondered if he needed the other half to understand it. 

Klaus knew that there was something suspicious, something dark, something sinister that was surrounding him and Sunny. There was some reason that Count Olaf was so unhinged and obsessed with hunting down the orphans. He was determined to figure all of these mysteries out. He was going to solve the mysteries that haunted him starting with the mystery of how he and Sunny ended up in these unfortunate events. 

Klaus also wondering about Jacquelyn, Mr. Poe’s secretary. She seemed to know what was going on behind the scenes but yet, she refused to answer any of the Baudelaires’ questions. She first showed up when the children were rescued from Count Olaf’s home and ruined their chances of living with a nice judge named Justice Strauss. Telling Mr. Poe that they were to live with their Uncle Monty. Then, strangely, the Baudelaires went to a movie that she starred in, which didn’t make any sense to him. But the most confusing aspect of Jacquelyn was that the last time the children saw her, she was covered in bronze paint as if she was pretending to be a statue, she was in the middle of a labyrinth and she was being very cryptic. Not answering a single question and only adding more confusion. She promised that she would take care of Count Olaf for the children but he doubted that she’d be successful. Olaf had better luck than the children did. 

Klaus was brought out of his thoughts when Mr. Poe began coughing loudly and trying to pronounce the name of the dock. Klaus rolled his eyes. “It’s Damocles,” he muttered.

“Yes, yes. I knew that.” Mr. Poe replied.

“Mr. Poe,” Klaus asked, “What can you tell us about your secretary?” 

“Oh, Jacquelyn? Excellent typist. Unfortunate habit of disappearing for days at a time. I don’t make it a habit of socializing with employees, so that’s really all I know. Other than the fact that she came highly recommended by your parents.” 

Klaus’ eyes widened with confusion and curiosity. “Wait, what?”

Mr. Poe began coughing, “Well anyway, you’ll be off on some exciting adventure with your new guardian. Remember, you can always really on us at Mulctuary Money Management,” Mr. Poe began as Klaus rolled his eyes. “Now, if you will excuse me, I will leave you alone on this mostly deserted dock to wait for your taxi to your Aunt Josephine’s house.”

“She’s not meeting us here?” Klaus asked frowning.

“Strangely, she said she’d be unable to come to the dock, and I didn’t think it be polite to ask why. Perhaps she’s planning a surprise party for you two. Which reminds me, I know you’ve had a frightening and mystifying time with that horrible man, what, um, Count...what’s his name?”

Klaus’ eyes went dark with hatred. “Olaf,” he said glaring.

“Olaf, yes. Who knows where he came from?”

“You put us in his ‘care’!” 

“Klaus, I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘care’. He’s a thief and a murderer, and so far has completely escaped capture. But I have the thing that just might turn things around.” Mr. Poe said as Klaus groaned in anger and annoyance. “Peppermints! Delicious peppermints! My second favorite candy when I was a boy. You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt.” 

“Wha?” Sunny asked, which shocked both Klaus and Mr. Poe seeing that she had been staring at the lake water with complete silence for quite some time.

“Oh, Sunny, I’m surprised at you. Even a child your age should know that a taxi is a car that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee. Oh! And this should just about cover it.” Mr. Poe said handing Klaus some money.

“Captiosus!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “I’m smarter than you, fucker. I know what a ‘taxi’ is! I was asking what ‘dowager’ means!” Klaus laughed at his sister’s reaction to Mr. Poe.

“Cheers, Baudelaires! Good luck! Hope you enjoy the peppermints.” 

And with that Mr. Poe boarded the Fickle Ferry and left the two orphans on the dock. Klaus looked down at Sunny, “‘Dowager’ is a fancy word for widow. Which is a word that means ‘a woman who has lost her spouse by death and has yet to remarry,’” 

Sunny nodded her head. “Gratias!” she said, which was her way of saying ‘thank you’. Klaus nodded as he looked down at the bag of peppermints in his hand. 

“Should I have told him that we are allergic to peppermints?” he asked his sister, who shook her head in response. “You’re right, Sunny. Mr. Poe never listens to us anyway. Besides, it isn’t worth mentioning. We have a lot more important things on our minds.”

Sunny nodded but didn’t reply to her brother. She watched as he threw the bag of peppermints towards a trash can, and missing. The bag landed in front of the trash can. Usually, Sunny would have mocked her brother for how unsporty he was, but her mind was preoccupied. The reason she hadn’t spoken very much since they have arrived was that she was busy with her own thoughts as her brother was. She was worried about Ink, a friendly snake that she had become attached to during their stay at Uncle Monty’s house. She was successful in her plans of freeing him from the Herpetological Society but she wished she could have taken him with them because not knowing where he was or if he was safe was killing her. She missed him dearly, almost as much as she missed Uncle Monty and her parents. Klaus tried to make her feel better by telling her that maybe one day, they’ll find him again. But Sunny doubted that entirely. 

But that wasn’t the only thing that Sunny was thinking about. She was also thinking about her older brother. Ever since their stay with Count Olaf, he hasn’t been the same. He’s been incredibly on edge and he was too tense. He was suffering from panic attacks and night terrors and she was unsure why and she didn’t know how she could help him. She wanted to help him, she loved her big brother as much as he loved her. She felt like it was her job to protect him as much as it was his job to protect her. But unfortunately for her, Klaus didn’t see it that way. So he didn’t allow her to know his troubles. During their stay with count Olaf, there was a period where the two had been separated and Sunny knew that Olaf must have done something to her brother during that time because he was different. During his panic attacks, he became someone she didn’t fully recognize. He became tense and deeply afraid, his body would shake and most of the time he’d start crying and apologizing for no reason. It was like a light switch in his brain turned off and this happened. It scared Sunny. It worried her. The last time it had happened the two children were trying to climb out of a second-story window and everything was going smoothly until Klaus thought he heard Olaf. Tha’s when Klaus shook so hard that Sunny was put in danger, during his panic attack he lost all sense of reality and what was going on that he let go of the rope allowing the two to fall to the ground. Sunny worried for his health and his sanity. She knew that all of these unfortunate events were taking a greater toll on him than it was on her, she believed it was due to the added stress of being the eldest child and believing that he had to be the hero always. Sunny was trying to think of ways to show her brother that she could hold her own. That she could save him. She wasn’t just some defenseless baby, she was feral and chaotic and if given the chance she would kill Olaf if it meant her brother would be safe, that her brother would go back to normal. When he told her that it was just them, that really hit her, because he was right. There was no mommy to kiss the boo-boos and wipe their tears. There was no dada to beat up the monsters and make everything better. It was just them. It was them against the world. It was them against Olaf. Not Klaus against the world. Not Klaus against Olaf. It was them. She knew that she was going to have to prove herself, to show her brother that he wasn’t alone. If they were all the other had then this was going to be a fifty-fifty deal. 

Sunny watched as her brother tried to hail a taxi, she gave a small smile. He was doing the best he could, but she knew that if he started treating her as his equal then they’d be unstoppable. 


	27. The One Where the Baudelaires Meet Their Fierce & Formidable Guardian

** _Chapter Twenty-Six:_ **

_ The One Where The Baudelaires Meet their Fierce & Formidable New Guardian _

“Do you think Aunt Josephine will be able to explain why all these strange and mysterious things keep happening to us,” Klaus asked his sister as he tried to signal down a taxi.

“Spero,” Sunny replied shrugging her shoulders, which meant, “All we can do is hope,” Klaus sighed in response.

After several minutes of trying to get a taxi to notice the two children sitting alone on the dock, Klaus was finally able to get a woman to stop. The woman was dressed in a long, black coat buttoned all the way to her chin. On her hands were a pair of white cotton gloves. In the passenger seat, the two Baudelaires noticed a collection of books, probably to keep her company while she waited. The Baudelaires also noticed that she wore a pair of sunglasses over her eyeglasses, the way their own father used to when it was bright and sunny out. She also wore her hair in a bun with two pencils sticking out in either direction, the way that their mother used to when she was desperately trying to keep her hair out of her face. 

She was kind enough to help Klaus put their luggage in the trunk of the car, although she apologized for not being able to help him with the heaviest suitcase, explaining that she was in the early stages of pregnancy. Once the Baudelaire orphans were settled into the taxi, the woman started up the taxi and began to drive away from the dock and onto a gray, cobblestoned street. There was a small grocery store with barrels of limes and beets out front. Thre was a clothing store called Look! It Fits!, which appeared to be undergoing renovations. There as a terrible looking restaurant called the Anxious Clown, with neon lights and balloons in the window. But mostly some many stores and shops were all closed up, with boards and metal gratings over the windows and doors.

Klaus frowned at this, “The town doesn’t seem very crowded,” he remarked, “I was hoping we might make some new friends here.”

“It’s the off-season,” the cab driver said looking back at Klaus and his baby sister through her rearview mirror, “The town of Lake Lachrymose is a resort, and when the nice weather comes it’s as crowded as can be. But around now, things here are as dead as the cat I ran over this morning. But honestly, it could be worse. Have you ever been to Stain’d-by-the-Sea?”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and both children shook their heads. “We can’t say that we have,” Klaus replied.

“Well, let me tell you that at Stain’d-by-the-Sea it's desolate all year ‘round. There is no off-season there.” The woman sighed, “So to make new friends here, you’ll have to wait until the weather gets better. Speaking of which, Hurricane Herman is expected to arrive in town in a week or so. You better make sure you have enough food up there in the Anwhistle house.”

“A hurricane on a lake?” Klaus asked, “I thought hurricanes only occurred near the ocean.”

“A body of water as big as Lake Lachyrmose can have anything occur on it. To tell you the truth, I’d be a little nervous about living on top of this hill. Once the storm hits, it’ll be difficult to drive all the way down into town.” The woman took a sharp turn that nearly threw Sunny into Klaus’ lap.

“Um, ma'am, not to criticize your driving...but you failed to signal that last turn, and you failed to stop at that last stop sign and don’t you think you’re speeding?” Klaus said as he placed Sunny into his lap and held onto her like a human seatbelt.

The woman just laughed. “You sound just like my brothers, kid. See the rules of the road are more like...suggestions.” 

Klaus looked worriedly at the woman. “No, they’re rules...laws...regulations.”

“Which are fancy words for ‘suggestions’,” The woman replied and flashed a smile at the two children. She could see through the rearview mirror that Klaus looked terrified and Sunny looked excited. “Believe it or not, I haven’t gotten into any accidents.”

“That’s surprising,” Klaus muttered. 

The woman laughed at this. “I know what you’re thinking, ‘should she really be driving like this if she’s pregnant’ and the answer to that is no, but it’s just how I drive.”

“Nuf!” Sunny yelled, which was her way of saying, “You’re good. I think it’s fun!” Klaus was quick to translate although he shook his head at his sister the entire time.

“See she gets it!” the woman replied. The woman took another sharp turn that made Klaus slide into the door with a  _ thud! _ Klaus and Sunny looked out to see just how high they were from the town. The cobblestone road curled around the buildings like a tiny gray snake and the small square of Damocles Dock looked tiny compared to the inky blob that was Lake Lachrymose. The lake looked huge and dark as if a monster were standing over the two orphans, casting a giant shadow below them. For a few moments, the children stared into the lake as if hypnotized by this enormous stain on the landscape. 

“The lake is so enormous,” Klaus said, “And it looks so deep. It looks rather terrifying.”

“Oh, I hope you’re not terrified of the lake, seeing that you’ll be living  _ here. _ ” The woman replied. 

“Huh?” Sunny asked confused.

“Take a look,” the woman replied getting out of the cab.

Klaus with Sunny in his hands followed and got out of the cab as well. At first, the two youngsters saw only a small boxy square with a peeling white door, and it looked as if the house was scarcely bigger than the taxi that had brought them. But as they drew closer to where the woman was standing, they saw that this small square was the only part of the house that was on top of the hill, The rest of it, a large pile of boxy squares, all stuck together like ice cubes, hung over the side, attached to the hill by long metal stilts that looked like spider legs. As the two orphans peered down at their new home, it seemed as if the entire house were holding on to the hill for dear life. 

“I’m not sure about this,” Klaus muttered as Sunny stared out in complete awe.

“Yep, your aunt Josephine is surely a remarkable lady to live all the way up here by herself, in a house like this.” the woman commented as she ushered Klaus to c help her remove their luggage from the taxi.

“We’ve been told Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable,” Klaus replied.

The woman smiled, “She really is. Good luck children.”

“Gratias!” Sunny shouted, which was her way of saying, “Thank you,” 

The taxi driver began to speed down the hill with a final  _ toot!  _ From her horn for a final good-bye. Klaus sighed as he looked again out to the lake and stared in awe at it. “I hope she really can answer all of our questions, Sunny.” 

“Incognita,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Same here. There’s so much we don’t know,” 

“It’s like we’re standing on the edge of a precipice with no idea what lies below,” Klaus muttered as he picked up his baby sister.

Honestly, Klaus was right. It was exactly like that. Although, I have the advantage of knowing what lies below, which is a 300-foot drop into the freezing depths of Lake Lachrymose. Still, I will say that standing on a precipice is better than slipping on a precipice or falling over a precipice. For both Baudelaire orphans knew there was something beneath their journey, although all they had to go on was a spyglass and the knowledge of suspicious characters like Kronk, Jacquelyn, and even Count Olaf. So before things get worse, as I have promised time and time again that they will, in fact, get worse, I would advise that you take note of the three words the Baudelaires were about to find on Aunt Josephine’s front door.

“Please go away?” Klaus read aloud. He tried the doorbell several times, he wasn’t even sure if it was working because every time he pressed the button, he heard silence from the other side of the door. Before he had a chance to knock on the door, the door squeaked opened and the Baudelaires saw an older woman with dark skin and dark curly hair that fell to her shoulders. She wore a friendly, but timid smile as she looked at the children. 

“Don’t knock you might get splinters. This door is made of wood, which is teeming with tiny shards, which in turn is teeming with infection. You must never knock.” the woman warned.

“I’m sorry. I’m sure you’re right about all of that. We’re looking for our Aunt Josephine,” Klaus began.

“Oh! Klaus! Look at you…” the woman said happily, “You’re so grown up now...I remember when you were just a baby. Although I could have sworn you’d be a bit older than you are,”

Klaus looked curiously at the woman. “Our Uncle Monty said the same thing…” the woman ushered the children in, Klaus began to step forward.

“Wait!” the woman yelled. “You must be careful, no need to walk too quickly. You could trip over the doormat which could make you slip and decapitate you.”

Klaus looked confused at the woman and looked down at the doormat that laid under his feet. He merely nodded his head as he slowly walked into the house and setting Sunny down so he can retrieve their luggage from outside. “The doorbell didn’t appear to be working,” he commented as the woman closed the door when he was finished retrieving their luggage. 

“Oh, it’s disconnected. There is the danger of electrocution,” the woman said frowning. “Also, be careful to not bump into the phone,” she said pointing to a landline phone that was on a small table with a glass lid on top of it with a sticky note that read ‘Do Not Touch Beware of Electrocution’.

“I’ve read quite a bit about electricity, and I’m reasonably certain that doorbells and telephones are entirely safe,” Klaus commented as both Baudelaires looked at the woman like she was bat shit crazy. 

“Not if you have a faulty pacemaker,” 

“Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker?” Klaus asked confused.

“No, but you can never be too careful.”

“Uh-huh…” Sunny commented.

“Do you live with our Aunt Josephine?” Klaus asked.

“I  _ am  _ your Aunt Josephine,” Josephine replied.

“Are you sure?” Klaus asked frowning.

“Of course I am sure. Although, I prefer the word ‘certain’. Now follow me, children.” she began to give the children a quick tour of her house. “This is the radiator, please don’t ever touch it. You may find yourself very cold here at my home. I never turn on the radiator, because I am frightened that it might explode, so it often gets chilly in the evenings. Oh! Also, children, I must ask you to not use any of the doorknobs in the house, just push on the wood of the door and it will open.”

“Why?” Klaus asked.

“Well, I’m always afraid that it will shatter into a million tiny pieces and one of them will get in my eye.” 

Sunny just stared at Aunt Josephine with a face of disbelief like she could not believe anything the woman was saying right now.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another briefly, “Fierce and formidable Aunt Josephine,” Klaus muttered.

“Delmo,” Sunny replied which meant, “Crazy Aunt Josephine,”

Aunt Josephine turned to Sunny confused. “‘Delmo?’ What do you mean by ‘delmo’? I consider myself an expert on the English language, and I have no idea what the word ‘delmo’ means. Is she speaking some other language?”

“Sunny doesn’t speak fluently just yet, I’m afraid. Just baby talk, mainly,”

“Grun!” Sunny yelled glaring at him, which meant, “I object to you calling it baby talk!”

“Well, it looks like I’ll have to teach her proper English,” Aunt Josephine said happily, “I’m sure you will need some brushing up on your grammar, actually. Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don’t you find?”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another again and shook their heads slowly. If you were to ask Klaus Baudelaire what the greatest joy in life was he would tell you ‘books’ without hesitation and if you were to ask Sunny Baudelaire what the greatest joy in life was she would tell you ‘biting’ or ‘cooking’ or maybe even both. But neither Baudelaire orphan would have answered that question the way Aunt Josephine would. The Baudelaires thought of grammar the way they thought of banana bread: fine, but nothing to make a fuss about. 

The children followed Aunt Josephine to a door in the middle of a long hallway. “Well, you have arrived just in time, children. Now, I know you’ve seen many unusual things.”

“Yes, we have,” 

“And you must have many questions.”

“Yep!” 

“In my library, you will find all the answers that you need.” She paused to look at both children. “Are you ready?”

“We’re ready,” Klaus said as Sunny nodded.

“Then open the door. But remember just push on the wood, we wouldn’t want one of the doorknobs to shatter,” 

Klaus moved forward as he held Sunny, and both children pushed the door open. Inside they found a large room, that had two of its walls aligned with shelves upon shelves of books. But the amount of books is not what caught the Baudelaires’ eyes, no, not even Klaus glanced at a single book. For both Baudelaires were once again mesmerized by the inky blob that was Lake Lachrymose which they could clearly see from the window that was in the library. But this was no ordinary window, the entire wall was made an entirely of glass. Both children had never seen a window so wide, so large, so grand. And although the house’s structure made them a bit weary to even be in the library, the window had one of the best views the Baudelaires had ever seen. Inside the library, Aunt Josephine had a nice large couch, a small reading chair and a tiny desk for studying. The Baudelaires stood at the edge of the room, as close to the window as they could and looked down at the lake and the town in complete awe.

“Lake Lachyrmose!” Aunt Josephine squealed. “I know every island in its water and every cave along its shores. Ike and I used to explore every inch of this lake from Horrid Harbor all the way to Curdled Cave over there. But now I can only stand to look at it from far away. That’s why I couldn’t meet you on the docks. I’m too haunted by the past.”

“Does this have anything do with our parents?” 

“Certainly not. It has to do with my husband, Ike. He was my best friend, my partner, and one of the few people I knew who could whistle with crackers in his mouth. His specialty was Beethoven’s fourth string quartet.”

“Our mother could do that…” Klaus said smiling as he remembered his mother putting on shows in their living room.

“Her specialty was Mozart’s 14th symphony,”

“Uh-huh,” Sunny replied.

“We were all friends, your parents, Ike and me. We used to gather on these shores for picnics and to develop our own secret codes,”

“Secretum?” Sunny asked, which meant, “What do you mean our parents developed secret codes?” and Klaus was quick to translate for his sister.

“I’ll never forget our last picnic,” she continued as if she didn’t hear the children’s question. “I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating before going into the lake...but he only waited forty-five minutes.”

“Did he get cramps?” Klaus asked confused.

“Well, cramps are one reason that you should wait an hour, but in Lake Lachrymose, there’s another. Part of the lake is a breeding ground for the Lachrymose Leeches, which are quite different from regular leeches. They each have six rows of very sharp teeth and one very sharp nose that can smell the tiniest bit of food from far, far away. The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, but if they smell food on a human, they will start to swarm around them and….and…” Aunt Josephine began to sob which made both Klaus and Sunny very awkward and uncomfortable. They weren’t sure what to do. 

“I apologize, children. It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word ‘and’, but I get so upset when I think about Ike.”

“Aunt Josephine, you said you had answers for us,” Klaus commented desperately trying to change the subject away from the uncomfortable topic of Josephine’s husband’s death and back to the answers that he and Sunny so desperately sought.

“Yes! Thank you for reminding me! As soon as Sunny said what she said, I knew you were missing some crucial information,” Josephine said getting up and heading towards one of the walls of her library. She stood next to a safe that had a picture of what the children assumed to be Ike hanging above it.

“Sunny? What did she say?” 

“Don’t you remember, Klaus? She said ‘delmo’ and that’s when I knew what I had to impart. The key to making sense to this...this confusing and terrifying world.” Josephine said, “But perhaps you're too young.”

“We can handle it. We can handle...anything,” Klaus said looking down at Sunny who nodded her head profusely. 

Josephine looked at both children for a second and grabbed one of the shelves that rolled along an axis, blocking the safe out of sight. Both Baudelaires looked at her in utter disbelief, now wondering what was in that safe. 

“This is my grammatical library, you may read any books you like,” she stated as she grabbed a few books off the shelf to hand to Klaus.

Klaus looked down at the books and then back at Aunt Josephine. “I’m sorry, but what does grammar have to do with developing secret codes?”

“You used the wrong tense, Klaus. You should have said, ‘What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?’”

“What  _ did  _ grammar have to do…” he began visibly irritated.

“Absolutely nothing!” 

Klaus opened his mouth to speak again but sighed. He looked down at Sunny, who frowned at him. Both children just realized that Jacquelyn didn’t know shit about their Aunt Josephine. She was not fierce nor was she formidable. She was a neurotic paranoid lunatic, the Baudelaires had their fair share of fears but this was ridiculous. The children also realized that she was not going to be as helpful as they needed her to be. Seeing that she avoided all their questions. Aunt Josephine ushered them to follow her out of the room, saying something about how it was nearly lunchtime. As they walked out, Klaus and Sunny both noticed a smaller room connected to the library. The door was opened just a crack, they tried to peer into it out of curiosity but Josephine noticed what they were looking at. 

“Klaus! Sunny! That’s private. That was Ike’s study. You are never to go in there,” Josephine said as she rushed the children out of the library quickly.

Josephine began to serve lunch as Sunny sat in a high chair looking unhappily down at her bowl of soup.

“Chill,” she commented, which was her way of saying, “Why is the soup cold?” Josephine who had no idea what she meant entirely, simply looked at the infant confused.

“I never cook anything hot. I’m afraid to turn on the stove. It...it might burst into flames.” Josephine commented as Sunny gave her a ‘what the fuck’ face. “This is chilled cucumber soup...wait, where’s your brother?” she asked worriedly.

Sunny simply pointed towards the direction of the kitchen where her brother was merely standing with his back facing her and Josephine. He wasn’t moving, he was simply staring into space. Some would say he was disassociating. 

“Klaus!” Josephine shrieked quickly standing up. “What are you doing?”

He slowly turned, his eyes still focused on nothing. “Napkins?” he asked.

“Napkins are here. Come away from the fridge if it falls it will crush you flat,” she said panicked.

He looked at her and then looked at the fridge and then returned his gaze at Aunt Josephine. He wore a face of complete and utter annoyance. The Baudelaires were beginning to think that they would not be allowed to touch a single object in the whole house or stand anywhere in the entire house without Josephine giving them some kind of warning. 

“As I was saying…” Josephine began as Klaus sat down next to his baby sister and looked down at his bowl of soup rolling his eyes. “It’s a recipe that I learned in Egypt, where I was briefly employed…” 

“Our father lived in Egypt before we were born. Is that when you-?”

“I don’t talk about that.”

“When we were living with Uncle Monty-,”

“I said I don’t talk about that.”

“But there was a statue…”

“Klaus, I said I don’t talk about that,” she replied sternly.

“You  _ don’t  _ talk about that? Or you  _ won’t _ ,” Klaus asked angrily.

“This is one of those rare grammatical instances where ‘don’t ‘ and ‘won’t’ mean the same things. Children, I knew your parents a long time ago, when things were very different. Those were fierce and formidable days. But I don’t talk about that, and you won’t hear about that. I shouldn’t have to tell you, children, there are many, many things to be afraid of in this world. The safest strategy is to be afraid of them all!” Josephine said as the children looked at one another. 

“Loca,” Sunny muttered, which meant, “This bitch is crazy,” 

“I like to think of happier things. The joys of grammar and how much Ike loved the sunshine. I like to imagine that where he is now, the weather is just as lovely and sunny as can be. Of course, nobody knows what happens to you when you die, but I like to think that my husband is somewhere hot.” 

Klaus and Sunny frowned. They, too, did not know what happened to a person when they died and it was that unknown that haunted them some days. They both liked to imagine that their parents were looking down on them, watching them, guiding them through their troubles. Both children hoped that they were together and happy even if their children were stuck on Earth and very, very unhappy. They ate their lunch in silence, both thinking about their fondest memories of their parents. Finally, after lunch, Josephine took them upstairs to show them their bedroom. It was a large, well-lit room, with blank white walls and a plain blue carpet on the floor. Inside was a good-sized bed for Klaus and a good-sized crib for Sunny, each covered in a plain blue bedspread, and at the foot of each bed, there was a large trunk, for storing things. At the other end of the room was a large closet for both of their clothes, a small window for looking out of, and a medium-sized pile of tin cans for no apparent purpose. 

“I’m sorry that you two have to share a room,” Josephine commented as she helped Klaus carry in all of their things. “But this house isn’t very big. I tried to provide you with everything you would need, and I do hope you will be comfortable.”

“It’s perfectly fine, Josephine. We prefer to stick together, actually.” Klaus said as he set Sunny on his bed. 

“Oh, I almost forgot. I have presents for both of you!” 

Klaus and Sunny smiled. They had not received presents in a while so they were both very excited. Smiling, Aunt Josephine went into the closet and brought out two gift bags. She handed Klaus the blue one and gave Sunny the yellow one. Both children opened their gifts and tried their best to look excited about what they received. 

“For Klaus, I got you a model train set and a deck of cards,” she commented, “I have never been a young boy, but I hear that they enjoy card games and model trains.

“Thank you, Aunt Josephine,” Klaus said as enthusiastically as he could muster. “I once read a book about the history of legalized gambling.”

“You can set up the tracks in that empty corner of the room,” 

“What fun,” Klaus replied trying to look excited. Klaus had never liked model trains, as they were a lot of work to put together and when you were done all you had was something that went around and around in endless circles. Plus, he was far too old to be amused by model trains. He had also never been a big fan of card games, that was more of Sunny’s forte. 

“For little Sunny, there is a lovely new doll with plenty of outfits for it to wear. Isn’t she adorable, she’s called Pretty Penny,”

“Gratias,” Sunny muttered as enthusiastically as she could. Klaus was quick to translate for his sister. Sunny looked at the doll and tried to hide her disappointment. She wasn’t truly interested in dolls since most dolls weren’t made out of very hard material, they were too easy to bite. But she forced a smile on her face and patted the doll on its head. 

Sunny reached into her bag again and pulled out a rattle. Both Baudelaires looked at it with the same expression. Aunt Josephine must have noticed because she frowned at the children. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Aunt Josephine, it’s a nice present...it’s just the last time Sunny had a rattle, she choked on it.” Klaus said, “I honestly would prefer that she  _ didn’t  _ have the rattle,” Klaus shuddered he remembered that day like it was yesterday. He hated that day, it was the day he almost lost his sister. The only good thing to come out of that day was that he gained a lifelong best friend. Sunny, on the other hand, did not remember that day entirely seeing that she was six weeks old, but she despised rattles. She hated the irritating noise it made when you shook it and that’s why she had destroyed hers that day.

Aunt Josephine continued to frown. “Well, we’ll see how she does with it,” 

Klaus just looked at her with disbelief. For someone who was overly paranoid about literally  _ everything  _ was okay with giving an infant something that was a clear choking hazard. Klaus just sighed but took the rattle from Sunny. He wasn’t going to take any chances. 

“Now I know my home isn’t the warmest place, but if you follow the rules, it will be a safe one. And as your guardian, your safety is my greatest responsibility. That is why I put cans near all the doors and windows each night. In case any burglars come in, they trip over the cans and wake us up.”

“But what if we’re awake in the house with an angry burglar?” 

“Angry burglar, where?” she asked panicked.

Sunny just rolled her eyes grabbing the deck of cards from Klaus, knowing that her brother wouldn’t care if she took them.

Klaus just stared in disbelief at everything he had heard today. He thought about the books he had taken from Monty’s house and wondered if they would be able to help Aunt Josephine because Klaus thought  _ he  _ was fucked up but she was way far gone. He wondered if there was any helping her. “Aunt Jo, have you ever thought of moving somewhere else…? Maybe if you lived far away from Lake Lachrymose...you might feel better. Sunny and I would go with you. Maybe then you’d feel comfortable enough to discuss some of those things that you don’t and won’t discuss.”

“Oh, silly boy, I could never sell this house…” she began.

“Too much emotional attachment?” Klaus asked.

“Memoriae?” Sunny asked, which meant, “is it because you have too many memories here?”

“No. I’m terrified of realtors,” 

“Maior,” Sunny muttered, which meant, “ Yep, she’s the fucking mayor of crazy town.” 

“We’ve gotta get her out of the house, Sunny,” Klaus mutters.

Both children looked at one another surreptitiously. Neither one of them had ever heard of a person who was frightened of realtors. As I’m sure you know, there are two types of fears in this world: rational and irrational, or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don’t. For instance, The Baudelaire orphans have a fear of Count Olaf which makes perfect sense, because he was a homicidal and evil man who has abused them and wants to destroy them. But if they had a fear of lemon meringue pie, this would be an irrational fear, because lemon meringue pie never hurt a soul and is very delicious. As Klaus and Sunny looked at one another, thinking about their new life with Aunt Josephine, they experienced a fear themselves, which neither sibling could tell if this could be considered a rational or irrational fear. The Baudelaires’ fear was that misfortune would soon befall them. On one hand, this was an irrational fear, because Josephine seemed like a good person even if she was overly paranoid and Olaf was nowhere to be seen. But on the other hand, the Baudelaires had experienced so many terrible things in the short time after the fire that it seemed rational to think that another catastrophe was just around the corner. 


	28. The One Where Klaus Goes Feral

** _Chapter Twenty-Seven: _ **

_ The One Where Klaus Goes Feral _

The Baudelaires were surprised at how easy it was to convince Aunt Josephine to go to the market place. They had mentioned that the taxi driver warned them that Hurricane Herman was on the horizon and they explained to Josephine that they might want to get food and supplies. Josephine did put up a fight, explaining all of the dangers of being outside, but the Baudelaires used logic and reasoning against her paranoia. The only irritating part of the whole ordeal was that Josephine was terrified of automobiles because the doors could get stuck, leaving her trapped inside, so they had to walk the long way down the hill. By the time the Baudelaires reached the market, Klaus’ legs were sore from the walk and his arms were sore from carrying Sunny. 

“Are you sure that you won’t let us cook for you?” Klaus asked again, as Aunt Josephine asked Sunny to grab her a couple of limes. “When we lived with Olaf, we learned how to make puttanesca sauce. It was quite easy and perfectly safe.”

Josephine shook her head, “No, it is my responsibility as your caretaker to cook for you, besides I am eager to try this recipe for cold lime stew.”

Sunny rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue in annoyance. She desperately wanted a hot meal. 

“Count Olaf certainly sounds like an evil man. Imagine forcing children to stand near a stove!” 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and then at Aunt Josephine with a mix of pure annoyance and utter disbelief. Both children wished that that was all he did to them. 

“He was...he was very cruel to us,” Klaus said closing his eyes. He did not clarify what he meant by this. “Sometimes I still have nightmares...about that horrible tattoo on his ankle. It always scared me.”

Aunt Josephine frowned at Klaus, “I’m afraid you made a grammatical mistake, Klaus,” she said sternly. “When you said, ‘it always scared me,’ you sounded as if you meant that his ankle always scared ou, but you meant his tattoo. So you should have said, ‘The tattoo always scared me.’ Do you understand?”

Klaus sighed and glared at Josephine. “Yes, I understand. Why don’t I just say that _ he, himself, _always scared me.” 

“Niku!” Sunny shrieked, which probably meant, “It wasn’t very nice of you to point out Klaus’ grammatical mistake when he was talking about something that clearly upsets him.” Sunny glanced at her brother and frowned. She knew that his nightmares did not only consist of that bastard’s ankle or his damn tattoo. His nightmares were more complex and vicious. 

“No, no, Sunny,” Josephine said firmly looking up from her shopping list, “‘Niku’ isn’t a word. Remember what we said about using correct English,” 

Sunny rolled her eyes. “Mandu stercore,” Sunny replied, which meant, “I honestly couldn’t care less about proper English. I much prefer it when _ Klaus _was teaching me because he wasn’t so rude and bitchy about it. Now please, eat shit.” Klaus just looked at his sister trying to hold in his laughter. The children didn’t hate Aunt Josephine but they much rather preferred living with Uncle Monty. 

“Klaus, would you please get some cucumbers? I thought I would make chilled cucumber soup again sometime next week.” 

Klaus groaned inwardly and headed down an aisle of the market in search of cucumbers. He looked wistfully at all the delicious food on the displays that required turning on the stove in order to prepare it. Klaus hoped one day that he and Sunny could convince Josephine into allowing them to make a nice hot meal, at least just once. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t look where he was going until he walked right into someone. 

He was ready to apologize to the person until he looked up and screamed. He froze in his place. There stood a tall, think man with a blue sailor hat on his head and a black eye patch covering his left eye. He was smiling eagerly down at Klaus as if he were a brightly wrapped birthday present that he couldn’t wait to rip open. His fingers were long and bony, and he was leaning awkwardly to one side, a bit like Aunt Josephine’s house dangling over the hill. But none of that was the reason why Klaus screamed and stood frozen in his place, the reason was that when he looked at the man’s face, the bright, bright shine in the man’s one visible eye stared directly at him.

When someone is in disguise, and the disguise is not very good, one can describe it as a transparent disguise. This does not mean that the person is wearing plastic wrap or glass or anything else transparent. It merely means that people can see right through the disguise, that is the disguise doesn’t fool them for a minute. Klaus wasn’t fooled for even a second as he stood frozen in place starting at the man he had bumped into. He knew at once that this man was Count Olaf. 

“Klaus! What are you doing in this aisle?” Josephine asked walking up behind him with Sunny. “This aisle contains food that needs to be heated, and you know--” she began but when Josephine saw Olaf she stood speaking. For a second, Sunny thought that she had recognized him, too. But then Josephine began to smile, and Sunny’s hopes were dashed, a word which here means ‘shattered’. 

“Hello,” Olaf said smiling at Aunt Josephine, “I was just apologizing for running into your brother here.” He said directing his smile at a shaking Klaus. Klaus was silently whimpering in fear and Sunny stood in front of her brother with her teeth bared ready to attack if Olaf were to try to hurt Klaus. 

Josephine’s face began to glow as she smiled and giggled. “Oh, no. Klaus is not my brother, sir. I am his legal guardian.”

Olaf clapped one hand to his face as if Aunt Josephine had just told him she was the tooth fairy. “I cannot believe it,” he said in a charming voice, “Madam, you don’t look nearly old enough to be anyone’s guardian.” 

Aunt Josephine giggled again. “Well, sir, I have lived by the lake my whole life, and some people have told me that it keeps me looking youthful.”

“Jo!” Sunny yelled trying to get her guardian’s attention. Josephine ignored her.

“I would be happy to have the acquaintance of a local personage,” Olaf said, tipping his blue sailor hat. Sunny grabbed onto Klaus’ pant leg hoping to bring him back to reality. He slowly looked down at her and she smiled up at him.

“Got you…” she whispered to her brother.

“Allow me to introduce me-self, madam,” 

Klaus glared at Olaf, and he felt a wave of strength flow through him. “No, allow Sunny and I to introduce him!” 

“Sunny and _ me, _” Josephine corrected. 

“It...it doesn’t matter! This is…” Klaus began.

“Doesn’t matter?” Olaf repeated breathing in heavily, blowing a raspberry and scoffing at Klaus. “Are you shaking me, boy. This might be the rambling of an expert fisherman but grammar is the number one most important thing in this, here, world to me.” Klaus rolled his eyes and sighed as he watched Josephine’s face glow even brighter.

“It is?” Josephine asked.

“Atta?” Sunny asked raising her arms in the air in confusion, which meant, “Is she _ desperate?” _

“It’s the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good grammar, the whole darn shooting match could go arse over tea kettle.” Olaf said.

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Klaus asked irritated.

“Klaus! Language!” Josephine yelled and then continued her conversation with Olaf. “Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.”

“I can flip it up and rub it down, too. Of course, that would be entirely up to you, ma’am,” 

Josephine continued to smile. Softly squealing with delight. 

“Redrum!?,” Sunny chimed in, which meant, “Can someone please just fucking kill me!?”

Olaf knelt down, taking off his hat, “Captain Sham...at your service, madam.” 

“He’s lying!” Klaus yelled glaring angrily at Olaf. “He’s Count Olaf!” 

Olaf merely glared at him with his one shiny eye and looked from Klaus to Aunt Josephine who looked confused but scared. “That horrible fiend is here? Where who? “

“Right in front of you!” Klaus pleaded.

“Where’s he at?” Olaf asked looking around. 

“You!” Sunny yelled pointing at the vile man. 

“Where? Behind Captain Sham?” Josephine asked. 

“NO!” Sunny shouted.

“I’ll show him a thing or two. I’ll give him the old ‘wax on, wax off’, for you, me son,” Olaf yelled still looking all around.

“Captain Sham ** _is _ **Count Olaf!” Klaus yelled his eyes going dark with hatred. 

Aunt Josephine scoffed.

_ “I’m _ ** _not_ ** _ going through this again!” _Klaus yelled as he violently rammed into Olaf with all of his weight, effectively knocking Olaf on his back harshly. 

“Oh!” Olaf yelled. “Children of the corn!” 

Klaus grabbed Olaf’s left pant leg and pulled it down to further reveal a peg leg where his tattoo should be. Klaus looked at Olaf with a face of shock and fear. Sunny looked up at her brother in complete shock. She did not think he was capable of that but although she was surprised, she was definitely proud. 

“Klaus!” Josephine yelled, pushing her grocery basket into Klaus’ arms. “Why did you do this to this poor man!?” she asked him as she helped Captain Sham to his feet. Klaus looked like he was on the verge of tears. “I’m so sorry. Sorry. I don’t know what got into him. He seems to have forgotten his manners.” 

“Oh, I don’t pay that no mind. He’s just a little boy, who’s out of his damn mind. He should really learn how to behave himself.” Olaf said glaring at Klaus every time Aunt Josephine wasn’t looking. Klaus closed his eyes and breathed in heavily. Sunny grabbed ahold of Klaus’ pant leg again trying to calm her brother down as she began to growl at Olaf.

Olaf didn’t pay her any attention. “Now, madam, you seem to be at an advantage. You know my name and I still haven’t gotten the pleasure of knowing yours.” 

“I am Josephine Anwhistle,” Josephine replied giggling again. “And this is Klaus and little Sunny Baudelaire.” 

“Little sunny,” Olaf repeated in a voice that sounded like he was eating Sunny rather than greeting her, he stared down at Sunny, trying to scare her with his one shiny eye, but Sunny was unhinged. She glared at him right back, feeling her brother shaking behind her. She continued to growl at him. 

“Fuck off!” She yelled. 

Aunt Josephine turned sharply at the two children. “It seems _ both _children have forgotten their manners, today.”

Olaf just smirked at the two children. “They’ll learn to behave...eventually.” 

Klaus froze in place again as Sunny continued to glare and growl at the man.

“Children, apologize to Captain Sham at once.”

‘Ging!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “I would rather eat dirt!”

“A-aunt...Jo-Josephine...he’s not Captain S-Sham,” Klaus said impatiently. “He’s...he’s Count Olaf!”

Josephine gasped and looked from the anxious faces of the Baudelaires to the calm face of Captian Sham. He had a grin on his face, but his smile had slipped a notch, as he was slowly growing less confident as he waited to see if Josephine recognized him.

Josephine looked Olaf over from head to toe once more and then frowned. “Mr. Poe did tell me to be on the watch for Count Olaf,” she said finally, “But...he did also say that you children tended to see him everywhere…”

“We see him everywhere,” Klaus said tiredly, “Because he _ is _everywhere.”

“But Captain Sham doesn’t look a thing like Count Olaf…” Josephine pointed out.

“He’s…” Klaus sighed. “He’s covering up his eyebrow with the eyepatch…and I don’t know _ how _he has a peg leg…but,” 

“I have a peg leg because my left leg was chewed off by the Lachrymose Leeches,” Olaf explained.

“Damno,” Sunny commented, which meant, “Well, it’s a damn shame they didn’t devour you entirely.”

Olaf just glared at Sunny, unsure of what she said. Josephine’s eyes welled up and she placed a hand on his shoulder. “Oh, you poor man.” she turned to Klaus and Sunny. “Did you hear what Captain Sham said?”

Klaus shook his head but decided to try on more time, knowing it would probably be futile. “He’s not Captain Sham...he’s…” 

“You don’t think he would allow the Lachrymose Leeches to chew off his leg just to play a prank on you?”

“Ohcysp,” sunny replied, which meant, “Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past the damn psycho.” Klaus translated for his sister but he had given up. Klaus wanted to take Sunny and run far away from Olaf, from Josephine, from everybody. He was slowly realizing that there was no place safe. No one could protect them from Olaf. The only reason he didn’t run away was that he refused to allow Olaf to kill Josephine just like how he caused Olaf to kill Monty. He wasn’t going to give him the chance. But that didn’t mean he had to participate further in this conversation. He stood there listening on and on as Olaf created a clever backstory about how he lost his leg to the Lachrymose Leeches, something about eating Pasta Puttanesca and spilling it on his leg. Honestly, Klaus couldn’t care less about Olaf and his stories. He then listened to Josephine mention that that was the exact thing that happened to her husband, Ike. which got Klaus thinking, _ Did Olaf already know that? _ And if so, _ How did he already know that? Did he know Aunt Josephine in the past? _ And if that were the case, _ How come she couldn’t recognize him like he and Sunny could? _

“Here,” Olaf said, taking a card from his pocket and handing it to Aunt Josephine. “Take my business card, and next time you’re in town perhaps we could enjoy a cup of tea.”

“That sounds delightful,” Josephine said smiling and then looking down at Captain Sham’s card. “‘Captain Sham’s Sailboats. Every boat has it’s own sail.’ Oh, Captain, you have made a very serious grammatical error here.”

“What?” Sham asked, raising his eyebrow.

“This card says ‘it’s’, with an apostrophe. I-T-apostrophe-S always means ‘it is’. You don’t mean to say ‘every boat has it is own sail.’ You mean simply I-T-S, ‘belonging to it.’ It’s a very common mistake, Captain Sham, but a dreadful one. 

Sham’s face darkened, and it looked like for a minute he was going to raise his peg leg again and kick Aunt Josephine with all his might. But then he smiled and his face cleared. “Thank you for pointing that out,” he said finally.

“You’re welcome,” Josephine said. “Come, children, it’s time to pay for our groceries. I hope to see you soon, Captain Sham.” 

Klaus picked up his baby sister and followed their new guardian. Both Baudelaires turned back to Captain Sham, who was smiling. But his smile turned to a sneer as soon as he was sure that Aunt Josephine wasn’t going to turn around. Klaus and Sunny knew that he had fooled her, and there was nothing they could do about it. They spent the rest of the afternoon trudging back up the hill carrying groceries, but the heaviness of the groceries was nothing compared to the heaviness in the orphans’ hearts. They listened to Josephine rant on and on about how nice Captain Sham was and how she hoped to see him again real soon. While the children knew he was really Count Olaf and hoped they would never see him again for the rest of their lives. 

There’s an expression that, I am sorry to say, is appropriate for this part of the Baudelaires unfortunate story. The expression is, “falling for something hook, line, and sinker.” and it comes from the world of fishing. The hook, line, and sinker are all parts of a fishing rod that work together to lure fish out of the water and towards their doom. If somebody is falling for something hook, line, and sinker, they are believing a bunch of lies that will seal their doom as a result. Aunt Josephine had fallen for Captain Sham’s lies hook, line, and sinker, but it was Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire who were feeling doomed. As they walked up the hill in silence, the children looked down at Lake Lachrymose and felt the chill of doom fall over their hearts. It made the two siblings feel cold and lost, as if they were not simply looking at the shadowy lake, but had been dropped into the middle of its depths.

_______________________________________________________________________

Lemony Snicket was not a big fan of coffee, he much prefers tea over coffee. He only bought coffee because his daughter had a bit of a liking towards it. She also preferred tea but there were times, she needed a nice hot cup of coffee to help start her day. This was Lemony that next morning. After waking up abruptly from his nightmare around 4 in the morning, he refused to go back to sleep. He couldn’t risk having another detailed nightmare of his worst fear. _ Losing his daughter. _

Violet noticed that her father was making coffee and looked at him curiously. “Rough night?” she asked as she poured herself some cereal.

“You can say that,” he replied rubbing his eyes.

“Well, you know you can always skip a day of investigating and stay home,”

“I can’t do that with this case...although I would love to,” 

“Hmmm…” she replied rolling her eyes.

Before he could say anything else, the phone rang. His heart fell into his chest. _ No, not again. _He thought. Violet stood up and began walking towards the phone. He ran passed her and grabbed the phone. “I got it, honey.”

Violet looked curiously at him. “It’s just a phone call, I could’ve gotten it.”

“It could be my client,” he replied quickly.

“Or maybe it’s Jacquelyn,” Violet muttered.

Lemony froze. “How do you know about Jacquelyn?”

“You told me about her...remember? You had a date with her the other night,” Violet said.

“Ah, yes. Must have slipped my mind. Please, honey, go back to eating your breakfast. Let me get this call.” 

Violet sighed but begrudgingly returned to her bowl of cereal, as Lemony grabbed the phone and walked into the other room.

“What took you so long to answer, Snicket?” Jacquelyn asked.

“You _ really _need to stop calling here,” he replied in a whisper.

“Are you alright? Why are you whispering?” 

“That’s the wrong question,” he replied, “The right question is what’s wrong now?”

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” 

Lemony sighed, “What’s the good news?”

“Your sister was successful in dropping off the Baudelaires to Josephine's,” 

“_ My sister!?” _ Lemony hissed in a loud whisper, “ _ What the actual fuck, Jacquelyn…” _

“Snicket. Snicket. Calm down. She doesn’t know about any of your involvement. She volunteered to make sure they arrived safely there,” Jacquelyn explained.

Lemony glared at the phone. “I don’t want her or Jacques _ anywhere near _the Baudelaire case,” he whispered. “It’s too fucking dangerous.”

“I’m aware. But again, she volunteered.” 

“Whatever,” he said as he sighed deeply. “If that’s the good news, then what is the bad news?”

“Larry is stationed at Lake Lachrymose, he owns a restaurant there called the Anxious Clown. I’ve been calling all morning and no response. I am worried, Snicket.”

Lemony frowned remembering what had happened to Gustav Sebald. Lemony felt like that was another death on his hands because he dragged Jacquelyn into this and she dragged Gustav into this, and Olaf murdered him. Now, he fears that he and Jacquelyn have gotten Larry killed. “This needs to stop,” he said finally. “I’m guessing you had no luck in capturing Olaf,”

“Unfortunately, no. He managed to get on the _ Prospero _ but when I had cornered him, he jumped out a window into the water. I had hoped he’d drown but...I have my doubts.”

“Do you think he killed Larry, too?”

“I have my theories, all of which are dreadful,”

“Lake Lachrymose, you say?” 

“Yep,” 

Lemony sighed. “I’ll try my best to get there as soon as possible. I will find Larry and the children,”

“I’m counting on you, Snicket. Keep in touch.” Jacquelyn said hanging up the phone.

Lemony sighed. This was getting too dangerous. He already had enough murders on his hands before Gustav’s and now he can add Gustav and possibly even Larry on to that list. _ This has to stop! _ Lemony thought to himself. He quickly gathered a few of his things. He didn’t know what he was going to do but he knew he had to do something fast. He remembered his nightmare and how Olaf found him and got to Violet. Lemony swore that that nightmare would never become a reality because if he had to, he’d murder Olaf. _ What’s one more murder. _ He thought as he began to prepare for his voyage to Lake Lachrymose.


	29. The One Where Violet Takes a Trip to the Bank

** _Chapter Twenty-Eight:_ **

_ The One Where Violet Takes a Trip to the Bank _

After the strange phone call, Violet was not surprised to see her father rushing around the small apartment like a chicken with his head cut off. He seemed to be looking for something, Violet remembered that she hid the spyglass under her pillow.  _ There’s no reason for him to look there.  _ She thought.

“What’s wrong?” She asked her father innocently.

“I’m looking for something…” 

“Well, maybe I can help you find it. Can you describe it?”

“Small...round…” Lemony began.

_ Full of secrets…  _ Violet thought to herself.

“Well it’s more like a cylinder,” Lemony said. “Ugh, I don’t have time for this. It’s...not important.”

“Well, I will let you know if I find it,” Violet said. Lemony nodded. “So when should I expect you back?” 

Lemony frowned. “I’m unsure. I have to travel a bit,”

“Why can’t I come with you,” 

He didn’t say anything just sighed. She looked at him, waiting for an answer. He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it. He didn’t know how to answer that. He wanted to explain to her that it was too dangerous. But he couldn’t. “It’s a private matter,” he said finally. 

Violet nodded her head in response. Not saying anything further to her father as she watched him race out the door after telling her that he loves her and claiming that he’s sorry. Violet waited a few minutes to make sure he was gone before she retrieved the spyglass from her hiding place. She twisted and turned it in her hand studying the different symbols that were on it. She put it to her eye and stared at her father’s investigation board while turning the dials and trying to see if anything in her sight changed. Nothing. She sighed angrily.  _ I know this damn thing can do something, but what?  _ She asked herself angrily. 

_ There had to be some kind of manual...or someone who can show her…  _ A smile appeared on her face. If her father wasn’t going to show her or tell her anything, who says a stranger won’t. She walked over to the phone and looked over the buttons. She pressed the ‘redial’ button and put the phone to her ear. 

“This is Jacquelyn from Mulctuary Money Management, how may I direct your call?” the voice answered. Violet nearly squealed with delight.  _ Mulctuary Money Management, wasn’t that a bank? Why was her father getting calls from a bank?  _ “Hello?” 

“Uh, yes, sorry. What is your location?” Violet asked trying to make her voice sound more grown-up and less like a teenage girl.

“We are located in the banking district, near the Fountain of Victorious Finance,” Jacquelyn replied.

“Thank you, ma’am,” Violet replied hanging up. She put the spyglass in her pocket.  _ Looks like I am headed to the bank.  _

Getting to the bank was harder than Violet had ever imagined. She didn’t know where the banking district was and she didn’t have any fare for a taxi, so she was out of luck. She walked around the city endlessly for what had felt like hours. Passing by shops and restaurants. Asking random strangers here and there how to get to Mulctuary Money Management. Several people gave her confusing directions, some people even offered to give her a ride. But because of her encounter with that bald weirdo at the movie theater just a little while ago, Violet declined each offer. She didn’t feel safe with the idea of hitchhiking so she continued walking until finally, she had found herself at the banking district. There were men and women dressed in stuffy suits all around the banking district. Some were simply chatting, some were clearly on their lunch break, and some were simply on a smoke break. All the buildings in the district looked alike. She didn’t know which one was Mulctuary Money Management and she was too tired to walk to each and every one of them. She looked towards the fountain at the center of the district and frowned. She had hoped that she’d be lucky enough to have the fountain near  _ one  _ building, but of course, Violet Snicket was not a very lucky young woman. 

A man with short brown hair and a clean face approached her. Violet tensed up. “Are you lost?” he asked kindly.

Violet looked to the ground unsure of what to do or say. She knew she couldn’t live her life in paranoia that every strange man was like that creepy bald bastard but it was too soon after that encounter for her to feel entirely comfortable. She became less tense when a woman with black hair pulled into a bun and a kind smile also approached her. “What’s wrong, dear?” the woman asked the man. 

“This little girl looks lost. I was trying to help her,” he said. “Where are the children?”

“They’re running a little behind, you know how they get,” she replied and then looked at Violet. “Are you okay? Have you lost your parents?”

Violet shook her head. “No. My father is out of town and...my mother...works at the bank,” she said trying to make up a reason why a fourteen-year-old was randomly going to the bank. 

“Oh, well what bank?” the woman asked as Violet could hear approaching voices.

“Give it back!” a boy’s voice yelled angrily as another boy stuck out his tongue. 

“Make me!” the second boy shouted back laughing tossing what looked like a rolled-up newspaper to a girl, who was also laughing, who caught it and began to run around the fountain.

“Why do you care so much?” the girl asked. “It’s  _ The Daily Punctilio.  _ They’re shit anyway.” 

“I know they are!” the first boy yelled chasing what looked to be like his sister around the fountain. “But I still like studying  _ all  _ newspapers! I want to be a competent journalist when I’m older! Now give it back!” 

The first boy had almost caught up to his sister when she yeeted the newspaper across the fountain and the second boy caught it.

“ _ Quigley! Give it back!”  _ the first boy shouted as he stomped his feet angrily.

“What? Are you gonna cry?” Quigley asked tauntingly. 

The girl fell to the ground laughing.

“You both are so immature, I swear!” the first boy said.

“You’re the one crying over a newspaper,” Quigley said.

“I’m the oldest! You two need to listen to me and respect me more!” 

“Duncan, you’re older than me by five minutes. Big whoop,” the girl said.

“Still older!” 

“And Isadora is only older than me by five minutes,” Quigley stated. “You don’t see her acting like that means anything,”

“Shush, little brother. It does mean something. But not when Duncan tries to use it,” Isadora said laughing.

“Just give me the newspaper back,” Duncan said calmly as he stomped over to Quigley.

“Children!” the woman said, “Can you please stop?”

“Children, get along. Quigley, give Duncan back the newspaper,” the man said before both adults turned their attention back to Violet. “Sorry about that,”

“Oh, no. It’s fine,” Violet said watching the triplets attentively.  _ Was this what having siblings was all about...it seemed annoying but it seemed...fun.  _ She thought to herself as she watched Quigley step up onto the fountain. 

“You heard Mom and Dad give it back!” Duncan yelled reaching up to take the newspaper from Quigley. 

“Only if you can reach it, shortie,” Quigley said taunting.

“This isn’t going to end well,” Isadora commented sitting down at the edge of the fountain. Tired of the little game that she and Quigley were playing on Duncan. But Quigley didn’t seem to be entirely done.

“Give. It. Back.” Duncan said annoyed still reaching up.

“I’m trying,” Quigley replied smirking, “You just can’t reach it,” 

Duncan sighed deeply and then smirked back at his brother. “Fine. Fine,” he said calmly which made Quigley slightly worried. “I guess since I can’t reach it...I’ll have to bring you back down to my level,” and before Quigley could even guess what Duncan meant by that Duncan pushed Quigley’s legs as hard as he could and he watched in triumph as his triplet brother fell into the fountain. Isadora just started laughing again as Quigley looked like he was going to kill Duncan. Even Violet couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Oh, you think it’s so funny, Isa?” Quigley said.

“Quiggleforth Quagmire, don’t you fucking dare--,” Isadora began as Quigley grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her off the edge of the fountain and into the fountain with him. Now it was Duncan’s turn to fall to the ground laughing.

Both adults sighed and looked at their children. “Really?” their father asked with a slightly annoyed tone. 

Violet tried her best to stop laughing, but she couldn’t. She walked over to the fountain and held out her hand for Quigley and Isadora. She felt her cheeks heating up when they both looked back at her. Isadora grabbed her hand first, and Violet helped her out of the fountain. Isadora smiled at her, “Thank you…” Violet didn’t know any better but it seemed like Isadora was also blushing back at her. 

“You’re welcome,” Violet muttered and tried to turn away from Isadora but then she noticed Quigley was also staring at her, his cheeks as pink as his sister and her own. She held out her hand, which was now shaking. He took her hand but continued to look into her eyes. Violet kept trying to avert her eyes because he was making her nervous...a good kind of nervous. 

“Thank you, miss,” Quigley said. “I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this before, but you have really pretty blue eyes, as bright and wondrous as the ocean.” Violet’s cheeks turned into a brighter shade of pink. 

“I mean she has a really nice smile, too,” Isadora muttered under her breath, half hoping that no one heard her. But Violet definitely heard her and it made Violet giggle.

Duncan, realizing what was happening to  _ both  _ his siblings started laughing and elbowing Isadora. “Oooh, la la,” he sang.

“Shut up bro,” Quigley said annoyed.

“I swear to God, Duncan, I will  _ destroy you  _ when you finally get a crush,” Isadora hissed at her brother. 

“Yeah, okay,” Duncan said laughing. 

“Bet, asshole,” Isadora hissed rolling her eyes.

“Children, enough.” their mother said. “I’m sorry, miss, but what bank were you trying to go to,” 

Violet frowned remembering why she was in the district in the first place. Realizing that her time was limited and she shouldn’t be wasting it playfully flirting with two triplets, no matter how cute they were. “My mother works at Mulctuary Money Management. I’ve never been to her work before so I am a bit lost,” 

“Oh, that’s really close by,” their father replied.

“Can we take her there?” Quigley asked.

“Yeah, I mean it isn’t far but anything can happen to her,” Isadora commented.

“You guys are seriously pitiful,” Duncan said laughing.

“Fuck off, bro,” Quigley whispered elbowing him.

“Don’t worry, Quigley. We’ll get him back,” Isadora whispered glaring at Duncan.

Mr. and Mrs. Quagmire both smiled. “Yes, we can walk her to the bank,” their mother said. Quigley and Isadora walked on either side of Violet and Duncan walked behind her. The two Quagmire parents walked behind them and Violet felt a sense of happiness, she hadn’t felt before. She knows she just met these three and probably will never see them again, but she felt a strange sense of belonging. She desperately wished they didn’t have to leave her once she got to the bank. Violet never understood what having a sibling is like, and she knew that she couldn’t indict herself as one of their siblings but she liked watching them interact with each other, it was different. The different dynamics these three seemed to have intrigued her entirely. She wished she had siblings. Younger, though. She wanted to be the eldest. She felt like she’d be better as an older sibling than a younger sibling. She frowned at that, she knew it was never going to happen. Her father was still in love with her birth mother, and she didn’t know if she’d ever find her. Besides, she was fourteen years old, gaining any siblings at this age wouldn’t be as fun as getting siblings when she was younger. She remembered what her father wrote in the letter, the passage about three children. If her mother had wanted three children or if her father was the one who wanted three children, then why was she an only child?

Finally, she and the Quagmires reached the bank and her heart felt heavy because she believed she would never see this family again. She thanked the parents again for being so kind and helpful, and she thanked the three triplets, who each randomly hugged her. She noticed that Quigley’s and Isadora’s hugs were longer than Duncan’s which made her blush again. She frowned when the family left her at the entrance of Mulctuary Money Management.

After watching the family walk, Violet took a deep breath. She didn’t know what she’d find here but she knew that she had to figure this mystery out. She walked into the hustle and bustle of a normal business day at the bank, she looked all around for anyone who could help her locate Jacquelyn. As she walked, she saw a bowl full of candy and decided to grab a handful. She finally reached a woman with shoulder-length curly auburn hair sitting behind one of the desks. “Young girl, are you lost?” the woman asked.

“No, I’m looking for a Jacquelyn. I...don’t have a last name,” Violet replied nervously.

The woman looked at her for a second, staring her down. Slightly making Violet a bit uncomfortable. “Well, may I ask who is asking?” 

“...A-April...Mallahan,” Violet said quickly remembering one of the many aliases her father used when in public.

“April Mallahan?” the woman repeated.

“Yes,” Violet replied, “I’m looking for Jacquelyn, I was told that she worked here,”

“Well, Miss Mallahan, you have found her,” Jacquelyn replied smiling offering Violet her hand to shake. 

“Really?” Violet asked smiling.

“So Miss Mallahan, what brings you here?” Jacquelyn asked.

“I...I had some questions. That...I hope you can answer,” 

“Pertaining to what, exactly?” 

Violet sighed and took the spyglass out of her pocket, Jacquelyn looked at it shocked. Staring at Violet again but this time suspiciously. This made Violet anxious. Jacquelyn gave her a soft glare and then said, “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion,”

Violet looked at her confused. “What?”

“I’m sorry, April, I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion,” she repeated again.

Violet continued to look at her in bewilderment. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand. How does  _ this  _ indicate a sad occasion?” Violet asked holding up the spyglass.

Jacquelyn looked at the teenaged girl standing before her. “Where did you find that?” 

“In my father’s things,” she replied.

“And your father is…?” 

“Confidential. He...doesn’t know I’m here and I’d prefer if that stayed like that,” Violet said quickly.

Jacquelyn looked at Violet again. “Your name’s not Mallahan, is it?” 

Violet froze. “Yes...yes...yes it is. April Mallahan is my name,” 

Jacquelyn chuckled. “You’ve got a lot of  _ moxie _ , kid,” she replied smiling. “Well, April...you said you had questions,”

“Yes, starting with what is this? Why does my father have it?” Violet asked quickly. Jacquelyn looked around to make sure that no one was paying attention.

“Maybe we should talk somewhere privately,” she suggested.

“Oh, no. I’ve seen some crime shows. I know what happens then,” Violet said sternly.

Jacquelyn laughed. “I’m not planning to harm you, April.” 

“You expect me to believe a complete stranger. You must think I’m crazy,” 

“If you are who I think you are, then crazy runs in your blood.” 

“Wait, what?” Violet asked.

“You want to know a bit more about that spyglass?” Jacquelyn asked as Violet nodded in response. “Then meet me at Old Ed’s Soda Shop. This is the address right here,” Jacquelyn said scrolling an address upon a piece of paper and handing it to Violet. 

“Why can’t you answer my questions, here and now?” she asked irritated and worried.

“Because if you haven’t guessed by now, they’re secret. Not everyone understands what that spyglass is all about. Plus enemies can be lurking around every corner,” 

“Enemies? I’m fourteen. I don’t have any enemies,” 

“That may be so, but earlier generations  _ do, _ ” Jacquelyn replied. 

“Wait, what? My father has enemies? Who?” Violet asked her eyes widening.

“Well, to answer that, I would need to know who your father is, wouldn’t I?”

“I can’t say,” Violet said frowning.

“Well, maybe you’ll change your mind on that once I explain to you a few things,” Jacquelyn said. “Now, run along. I’ll meet you there in an hour...or sooner. You know what they noble volunteers usually arrive earlier than expected,” 

“Volunteers?” Violet said remembering that word from her father’s letters to her birth mother. “What does that mean? Who are volunteers?” 

Jacquelyn smiled. “Why you and I, April.”

“I’m no volunteer,”

“Not yet,” Jacquelyn said smiling at the girl. Violet looked at her confused. “See you soon, April.” With that Jacquelyn stood up from her desk and walked away leaving Violet in the middle of a busy bank more confused and conflicted than when she walked in.

Violet was conflicted as to what to do next. She looked at the address on the piece of paper and looked at the spyglass in her other hand. She had so many questions that she desperately wanted the answers to, and this Jacquelyn woman, as strange and cryptic as she was was willing to answer her questions.  _ What if it’s a trap?  _ Violet thought. She did mention enemies being everywhere. What if Jacquelyn was one of those enemies?  _ No, Dad talks to her frequently. Whatever this is, she has to be on the same side as her father.  _ She frowned. She knew that meeting a stranger was dangerous, no matter if they were male or female. But it did make her feel better that Jacquelyn was a female. She’d have a better chance at fighting her if she had to. She remembered the creep at the movie theater and shuddered. She decided that if this soda shop was desolate, she wouldn’t go. But if there were other customers in there, then she’d stay and ask Jacquelyn what she so desperately wanted to know. Violet put the spyglass back into her pocket, her fingers brushed one of the pieces of candy she had put into her pocket. Without paying attention, she unwrapped the candy and put it in her mouth. She thought it tasted funny but she ignored it thinking that it was just her nerves trying to freak her out. She left the bank en route to the soda shop. Happy that her questions might finally get answered. 


	30. The One With Violet's Plethora of Questions

** _Chapter Twenty-Nine:_ **

_ The One With Violet’s Plethora of Questions  _

Violet got to Old Ed’s Soda Shop with ease, she was happy to know that it wasn’t far from the bank so if Jacquelyn were to completely bail on her. She planned to go back to the bank and cause a scene if she had to. She sat down in one of the booths in the far corner. A waiter tried to take her order but she explained that she hadn’t any money and that she was meeting her Aunt Jacquelyn here. The waiter nodded and under his breath grumbled something about loitering but Violet didn’t care. She was nervous. She didn’t know why but she was also very itchy. She kept scratching at her skin rapidly. She tried to ignore her sensation to scratch, she was trying to focus more on the fact that she was going to have all of her questions answered. Or at least she hoped. But part of her was worried about what Jacquelyn had said about enemies. Her father had enemies...enemies that could be anywhere. Violet looked around the soda shop glancing at each and every patron. They were all sneaking glances here and there at her, which made her feel uncomfortable. Violet worried that they might be the ‘enemies’ that Jacquelyn had briefly mentioned. None of them looked wicked, but how the fuck was she supposed to know someone’s intentions just by looking at their face? 

She sighed still scratching at her arms and even her face.  _ Why am I so itchy?  _ She thought. With every new glance she received from a stranger, she began to feel even more nervous. She knew her father was on the run but she was starting to think maybe he was on the run from more than just the authorities. This would make sense seeing that he is okay with being pronounced dead. Violet rubbed her temples and continued to scratch her legs. Was being on edge about everything making her so itchy? She moved around in the booth, completely uncomfortable. She wondered if everything she knew about her father was just smoke and mirrors. If everything he has ever said to her about his past, about her birth mother, about  _ her  _ had been a lie. All of the evidence that she had, which wasn’t much, did point to him hiding something so big she couldn’t fathom it. She shook her head hoping that her father was being honest about something  _ anything.  _ She needed something to be true. She gave a low chuckle when she started questioning if his name was actually Lemony Snicket. He did have several aliases and he never told her where he had come up with those names. 

She groaned in annoyance as she harshly scratched at her arm through her sleeve.  _ Why the fuck am I so itchy?  _ She thought. Her mouth was also slightly feeling weird. She didn’t understand what was happening. She tried to focus on the matter at hand, there was so much she didn’t know about her father and maybe today she’d get to know more about him. Maybe she’ll learn about her mother, too. 

She looked down at her locket and opened it to look at the picture of Beatrice that was inside. She felt tears form in her eyes. She never wanted to have to snoop and lie to her own father just to find her mother and meet her. But if this is what she had to do, damn it, she was going to do it. She was startled by the sound of a woman sitting down in the booth across from her. Violet quickly closed her locket and shoved it back under her shirt.

“You okay?” Jacquelyn giving wide eyes at the young teenage girl.

“Bluh,” Violet replied wiping her eyes. She thought Jacquelyn was asking her this because she had been caught crying, but as soon as Violet opened her mouth she realized the real reason why Jacquelyn had asked her that. Her tongue hung outside of her mouth. “Whah bluh fuck,” 

“You don’t look so good, April,” Jacquelyn commented.

Violet quickly thought about what she had eaten last and then she sighed angrily as she emptied her pockets placing the spyglass, her commonplace notebook, and the handful of candy on the table. “Bluhpid. Bluhpid. Bluhpid.” she repeated softly smacking herself in the head. She scanned through the candy and found that most of it was completely and utterly harmless but in the mix, there had been a few peppermints. She was so preoccupied with her own investigation that she didn’t bother looking into the bowl of candy at the bank or at the piece that she unwrapped and put into her mouth.  _ This is just my luck!  _ She thought. She looked at Jacquelyn desperately hoping that the woman would not cancel their little meeting. 

“Do you need a doctor, hun. You have patches all over your skin,” Jacquelyn asked looking worriedly at the girl.

Violet shook her head. “It’s bluh an bluhlergic rebluhtion,” Violet said. “I’ll bluh fine,” 

“Are you sure?” 

Violet nodded although she felt terrible. Her tongue was swollen so she was unable to communicate properly and her entire body itches like crazy, but other than that she would be fine after a while. She wasn’t going to die from this allergic reaction. She learned that when she was younger and she had done a similar thing to what she did now. She was at a doctor’s office with her father around Christmas time, so they had a tree in the waiting room and there were peppermint candy canes all along the tree which they would allow the children to take. Well, Violet had grabbed one when her father wasn’t paying attention and unwrapped it, proceeding to eat it. Even five-year-old Violet was able to realize that this was entirely bad because she immediately began to feel her tongue swell and her body itch. At the time, she was more afraid of the fact that her tongue was swelling thinking that it would somehow block her airway, so she began to freak out to where her father had noticed and saw that she had a candy cane in her hand. He then explained to her that she was like her mother when it came to this allergy. Ever since then Violet and Lemony were cautious when it came to foods or drinks that might have peppermint in them. 

“Maybe we should reschedule,” Jacquelyn said. “You should go home and take a baking soda bath.”

“No!” Violet practically yelled which made everyone look at her again. She slumped down in her seat hoping that everyone would leave her alone. “Please. I’ll bluh fine.”

“If you’re sure,” Jacquelyn said. “Would you like anything…? A rootbeer float? A sandwich?”

“I have bluh monbluh,” Violet explained. 

“That’s perfectly fine. Whatever will make you feel better,” 

Violet nodded. She looked down at the table and pushed all the peppermints away and put the rest of the candy back in her pocket. Jacquelyn looked curiously at the peppermints and then Violet. Violet watched her shake her head and wondered what she was thinking. Violet picked up the menu and began to look over what she wanted for lunch. Anything to make time go by so her tongue can go back to normal. All the while, she was trying to not scratch any of her patches now that she knew why she was itchy. 

After both females ordered, Jacquelyn reached over and grabbed Violet’s spyglass. “So I’m assuming you want to know a little more about this, first?”

Violet nodded as Jacquelyn began to explain in a bit of detail what the dials did and that there were indeed different combinations with the dials to do different things. She pointed at a couple of the dials and explained to Violet that in that order the spyglass could produce heat. “I’d show you...but that’s called arson,” Jacquelyn joked.

Violet laughed at that. “Bluh why does a bluhglass do that?” she asked hoping Jacquelyn could understand her even with her swollen tongue.

“That’s complicated. April, do you know that there are two types of people in this world,” 

Violet looked at her confused. Violet had always believed there were several types of people in the world. That’s what made the world such a beautiful and mysterious place. There was no way that everyone in the world could fit so perfectly in one of two categories. Violet thought for a second what Jacquelyn could mean by this, but she wasn’t able to think of anything since she was fighting the urge to scratch.

“The ones who  _ set  _ the fires and the ones who  _ put them out. _ ” Jacquelyn explained.

“Like bluhble and wickbluh?” Violet asked.

“Exactly,” 

“Bluh does that have to bluh with the spybluh?” 

“Well, members of our organization wield these spyglasses and unfortunately, so do our enemies,” 

Violet looked at her confused. “Then why bluh this feature?” 

“Well again, it’s complicated. Several years ago, our organization was strong, we barely had any enemies. The enemies we did have, they weren’t once a part of us,” Jacquelyn explained. “Believe it or not, there are over two million potential combinations that could be reached using this spyglass,”

“Two bluhlion?” Violet asked amazed. Jacquelyn nodded.

“Obviously, the organization doesn’t ask that each member remember all combinations, but the most important ones,” Jacquelyn explained turning the dials a specific way. “Like this. Put your hand on the table,”

“Why?” Violet asked.

“So I can show you what this combination does,” Jacquelyn said as Violet cautiously put her hand on the table. Jacquelyn looked around to make sure no one was watching the two, as she lifted the spyglass as high as she could while sitting down. Violet could feel that there was heat coming from the spyglass. 

“How…,” 

“Honestly, I’m not sure how. But it’s an important tool when in a mission,”

“Mission?” 

Jacquelyn nodded. “It’s also used to receive messages,”

“Bluh from a movie?” Violet asked remembering her father using it during that weird zombie movie.

“Exactly. Although, I’m not sure how you knew that,” 

“I’ve done bluh research,”

“I see,” Jacquelyn said staring at the young girl. “What are your other questions?”

Violet took a deep breath. “What’s that symbol? On the spyglass.” She was relieved that her swollen tongue was gone although she was still fighting the urge to scratch. 

Jacquelyn turned the spyglass to face Violet, “This one?” she asked pointing to the top. Violet nodded. “It’s a symbol of our organization. Earlier generations have a tattoo on their left ankles indicating their membership.” 

“So like a cult?” 

“Yes and no. It depends on how you look at it,” 

“What is my family’s involvement?”

Jacquelyn shrugged. “I’m unsure. I don’t know any Mallahan’s involvement in my organization,” the older woman smirked. “So how about you tell me who you really are? Although, I have my guesses.”

“I’m April Malina Mallahan,” Violet replied.

“Malina? I knew a woman who loved that name,” Jacquelyn replied.

Violet looked at her curiously but bit her lip. She took out her commonplace journal. “I have a plethora of questions,”

“I may have a plethora of answers. If you are who I think you are,” 

“...I told you, I’m April Mallahan.” Violet replied impatiently. “Who do you think I am?”

“That’s the wrong question,” 

Violet shifted in her seat. “I’ve found documents naming, what I believe, to be members of your organization. R? O? L? Who are they?”

“R?” Jacquelyn repeated her eyes widening. Violet nodded. Jacquelyn sighed. “Let’s play a game,”

“I’m not interested in games,”

“Well, you’re interested in answers, aren’t you?” 

Violet glared but nodded her head.

“I answer a question  _ truthfully _ then you are to answer a question  _ truthfully, _ ”

“How would I know if you’re answering truthfully,”

“I can ask you the same thing,” Jacquelyn replied. “Come on, child, I haven’t got all day,” 

“Fine. Deal,” 

“‘R’ is my mother,” Jacquelyn replied. “What do you know about her?”

“I read about her in a letter. It didn’t say much. Hence why I asked. There was another person mentioned several times in the letters, ‘O’ who is he?” 

“He’s one of our enemies. He’s a dangerous, vile, foul man. A little girl like you shouldn’t be investigating anything about him or his crimes. Far too dangerous,” Jacquelyn warned. “Which parent of yours is a member of the organization?”

“Honestly, I am unsure. I believe both. I...I don’t know both my parents.” Violet replied trying to keep a serious demeanor on. “Who’s ‘L’?”

Jacquelyn smiled. “That could be a couple of people. I know a man named Larry…”

Violet glared. “What about an L.S.?” she asked impatiently.

Jacquelyn’s smile turned into a smirk. “Now, why is a fourteen-year-old girl asking about a dead man?”

“Curiosity,” Violet replied quickly.

Jacquelyn looked sternly at the girl. “Cut the crap,” she said in a slightly annoyed tone. “I only know one person that is allergic to peppermints and I know one person with those same blue eyes.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Violet said.

Jacquelyn chuckled. “Very well then, have a nice day, Miss Mallahan,” Jacquelyn stood up, she handed Violet back her spyglass. Violet thought she was bluffing so she waited until Jacquelyn was nearly at the door. 

“Wait!” Violet yelled, which caused the entire restaurant to look at her. Violet’s face blushed red with embarrassment but Jacquelyn slowly returned to the booth. 

“Are you going to cut the crap?” she asked.

Violet nodded. She glared at the older woman, feeling defeated. She wanted answers to all of her questions. She knew her father would be pissed if she allowed anyone to know of her true identity...but what choice did she have? He wasn’t going to tell her any of this.

“So, why are you investigating a dead man?” Jacquelyn asked.

“Cut the crap,” Violet mimicked. “He’s not dead, he’s...my father,” 

Jacquelyn still looked surprised that she was correct with her assumptions. “Lemony Snicket has a daughter…” she whispered looking around the restaurant. “...with Beatrice Baudelaire?”

Violet nodded as her eyes lit up. “Do you know my mother?” she asked. “Do you know where she is? I...I desperately want to meet her,” 

Jacquelyn looked curiously at Violet. She was unsure about what she should say. It was not her place to tell Violet about her mother’s unfortunate death but she wondered why Lemony hadn’t. Jacquelyn sighed. She wanted to tell this young girl the truth, but she couldn’t. That was crossing a line. A line that although she wanted to cross, she wouldn’t.

“I’ve only met her a couple of times,” Jacquelyn lied as she watched Violet’s face darkened with sadness. “But...to answer your question, both of your parents were in this organization.”

“Were?” Violet asked.

“They both have gone rogue,” Jacquelyn replied carefully. “Your father has recently rejoined but his reasonings are unclear,”

Violet nodded. 

“So you’re a Snicket?” Jacquelyn asked staring at Violet with pure wonderment. “He’ hid a child for...what...twelve? Thirteen years?”

“Fourteen,” Violet corrected. “But none of that is important. I have questions that he won’t answer,” 

Jacquelyn sighed. “I’m not sure I should answer them either. It’s not my place,” 

“No, please. I won’t say anything and if you don’t say anything then he’ll never know,” Violet pleaded. “I’m just a kid trying to understand where I came from. Can you please help me?”

Jacquelyn sighed again. “Fine. But the new rule to this game, if there’s a question that I feel I simply should not answer, I won’t. I promise I won’t treat every one of your questions like that...it’s just a courtesy to your father,”

Violet nodded her head frowning but she agreed to tot the terms anyway. She knew Jacquelyn had the upper hand in this situation. Some answers were better than none. If Violet asks all the right questions, then maybe she can piece together the rest. “What does this organization do?”

“We put out fires. Figurative and literal fires.” 

“Why?”

“We also volunteer,”

“What do you get out of it?”

“Nothing. We volunteer.”

“I’m not sure I follow,” 

“Your father, your mother, and I...we’re three of many volunteers. We use our smarts and special skills to triumph over the wickedness in the world. Like ‘O’ we use our skills against him and others like him. Who have defected and joined the wrong side.”

“I...I don’t get it,” 

“Your father hasn’t explained any of this to you?”

“No. He keeps saying he’ll explain everything when I am older...but he’s been saying that since I was ten,”

“He hasn’t trained you?”

“Trained me?”

“Most children your age would be off with a mentor, a year into your apprenticeship by now,” 

Violet looked at her horrified. “And what if I decide that I don’t want to,”

Jacquelyn snickered at that. “That’s not how it works,”

“But...you called yourself a volunteer.”

“It’s complicated,”

“No. It’s either you volunteer or you don’t,” 

“The world isn’t very black and white, April.”

“You’re telling me that people fit into two categories. Fire-fighters and fire-starters. That’s a black and white look on morality. But there’s no black and white outlook on volunteering?”

“You’re overcomplicating things,”

Violet looked at Jacquelyn horrified again.  _ Get the fuck out of here.  _ She told herself. She so wanted to, she wanted to get up and leave but she also desperately wanted answers. This was just the beginning of the questions she had. She remembered the two hundred page book that she so desperately wanted to read. She doubted a stranger who said she barely knew her mother would know anything about that so she decided to put that question to the side.

“What’s My Silence Knot?” she asked remembering that she wrote down the poem in her commonplace book. 

Jacquelyn looked at her confused. Violet opened her journal to that exact page and Jacquelyn smiled at the title. “Have you heard of an anagram?”

“Yeah. It’s when you take a word or a phrase and jumble the letters around to create a new word or phrase. Why?”

“Look at the letters in My Silence Knot,” Jacquelyn said as she watched Violet’s eyes go wide.

“Lemony Snicket,” Violet whispered looking up at Jacquelyn who was nodding her head. 

“Seems like your mother used this poem to send a hidden code to your father,” 

“A hidden code, where?” Violet said scanning the poem with her eyes.

“Unfortunately, there are only two people who would know how to decipher this poem. And neither of them is me,”

Violet frowned but then realized that she was forgetting the biggest question of them all. “What happened to make my father go on the run,”

“That’s complicated. But I can say that it happened one night at the opera. Since that night everything kept spiraling out of control. But I can say that it began with a stolen object, a moving violation, a misdemeanor, two poison darts, three civil suits settled more or less out of court, and two retracted marriage proposals,”

Violet looked at her in disbelief. “Two retracted marriage proposals,” she repeated absentmindedly remembering the two hundred page book.

“Yes, but I’ve said too much,” 

“No. No, you haven’t,”

“I’m sorry, but I have.”

“What has my father been up to?” she asked quickly.

“I’ve said too much. Just know that he has everything under control. He is a Snicket. They always do. Even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

“But...he’s been acting funny. Lying all the time and I saw him wearing a disguise at the movies,” Violet slapped a hand over her mouth but she had said too much herself.

“You followed him? And he didn’t see you,” 

Violet nodded. “I was sort of in a disguise, myself,”

“So he has been training you!” Jacquelyn said happily. “We could always use another Snicket.”

Violet shook her head. “No, he hasn’t been training me at all. I don’t think.”

“Then how did you know to disguise yourself? How did you even know how to spy on him well enough to get the chance to meet me?” Jacquelyn asked.

“I don’t know but it wasn’t because of any training,”

“Do you have special skills? Interests? Hobbies?” 

“My father tells me that I am a mechanical genius. I invent things. Use discarded material and create something new, different, useful. I believe there’s always something.”

Violet was creeped out by how Jacquelyn was smiling at her. “He’s never mentioned the organization to you?”

“Never. And if I may be blunt, I can see why. You’re in a cult,” 

“It’s not a cult...well not entirely. I told you we volunteer,”

“You and I have different definitions pertaining to that word. Because it sounds like they take you by force.”

“Not necessarily. It’s more so they ask your parents than the children themselves.”

“Look, my father obviously doesn’t want me around this nonsense. I’m only here for answers  _ not  _ to ‘volunteer’. Do I make myself clear?”

“I’m not going to kidnap you or recruit you. So yes, I fully understand.”

“Good. Because I’m honestly feeling a bit uneasy right now,” Violet said looking at the woman.

Jacquelyn frowned. “I’m sorry,” 

Violet nodded her head and went back to asking as many questions as she could think of in the time that she had with Jacquelyn. Part of her was still uneasy but part of her wanted to trust Jacquelyn. She seemed nice and noble, although she also seemed a bit brainwashed. She didn’t fully understand any of this organization stuff. Jacquelyn would ignore some of the questions about her father like what was his past involvement and what was his present involvement. She ignored questions about Beatrice, although the ones she did answer, she would answer slowly as if she had to be careful of her words. Violet wrote down as much as she could. She was going to compile all of her evidence and confront her father sooner or later. Jacquelyn was handing her a few of the puzzle pieces but she knew to get the whole picture she’d have to ask her father and she was scared of that. The second she asked him any of these questions, he’ll know that she’s been snooping. He’ll know that she knows he’s lying to her every chance he gets. She asked about her father’s investigation board and the two children but Jacquelyn said that must be unrelated to the organization because she had no idea what Violet was talking about. During the end of the questioning, Violet stood up and shook Jacquelyn’s hand. 

“I do appreciate all of this,” she said.

“I hope I was as helpful as I could be. I also hope you think about whether or not you want to join,”

“Doubtful,” Violet replied. 

“And don’t worry, I won’t say anything to your father if you don’t,” Jacquelyn replied also standing up, she handed Violet back the spyglass. “Try to hold on to this, you may need it one day.’

“What if my father needs it?” 

“He can also get another one,” she replied. She looked out the window of the soda shop realizing that it was night out. “Would you like a ride home?”

Violet stood there contemplating the offer. On one hand, it was dark and she’d have to walk home and that’s never a good idea. But on the other hand, Jacquelyn was involved with some weird-ass cult-like organization that recruited children and she didn’t fully understand that process at all but she sighed. “No funny business,”

“None at all. Your father is a friend of mine. If he doesn’t want you in the organization, I am not going to force you. But if you wanted to volunteer, just know I wouldn’t stop you,” she replied.

Violet nodded and followed the older woman out of the soda shop and into her car. The car ride home was silent. Violet was looking back through her notes and wondering just how much snooping she needed to do before confronting her father. Jacquelyn wondered if she had done the right thing by telling ‘April’ what she wanted to know or if it was right to withhold valuable information from her. She also wondered if it was right to not tell Lemony about any of this. She was trying to do right by both of them. She knew ‘April’ deserved answers but she also knew that Lemony had every right to keep secrets from his own daughter. Which is why she had placed a line and refused to cross it. She understood now why Lemony was always acting super secretive. He was protecting his daughter. She couldn’t fault him for that. Deep down she knew the organization wasn’t the best and ‘April’ was technically right, it was more like a cult than a normal organization. But she was too far in. Defecting like Lemony had done could have fatal consequences, VFD didn’t take kindly to defects. The only way she’d be able to leave now is if she became the Duchess of Winnipeg, and she didn’t want that to happen any time soon. So she felt stuck. But even if she was stuck, she knew she could do some good. That’s why she was helping Lemony with the Baudelaire case but now she felt like she had her own secret case. The Snicket case. She looked over at the young girl who was staring attentively at her commonplace book. She wondered how a girl with no VFD training knew how to spy, how to disguise herself, how she knew to have a commonplace book, how to come up with aliases on a whim. She knew that no one could know about ‘April’s’ existence. So she would have to work this case alone. She refused to let anyone or anything harm this young girl.  _ She needs some kind of mother figure looking out for her seeing that Beatrice is…  _ Jacquelyn thought as the teenage girl gave her directions.

Once they got to the apartment building. “Do you need me to walk you inside?” 

Violet shook her head. “I got it from here. Thank you again for the ride, for dinner, for everything.”

Jacquelyn quickly pulled a card out of her pocket. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate,” she replied handing the card to the girl. “You’re welcome,” 

Violet turned to leave but she turned around, “I have one more question,”

“Yes?”

“Are you and my father dating?” she asked wondering if that, too, was another one of his damn lies.

Jacquelyn laughed. “No. I’m not. Your father is not my type,” she said in a tone that made Violet understand just what she meant by that. 

“That’s what I thought,” Violet whispered.

“Have a good night, April.”

“Have a good night, Jacquelyn. Thank you again,” Violet replied as she walked away from the woman’s car.

Violet didn’t know how to feel. For the first time in this investigation, she was left with fewer questions than when she started. But most of her bigger questions have been left unanswered. She knew she’d have to continue snooping. Which means she may end up with more questions tomorrow. But she now had Jacquelyn’s card and she knew how to get to the bank if she needed to have another face-to-face with the woman. She wrote the name April down in her notebook to remind her that Jacquelyn believed her name to be April Snicket. She felt bad lying to the woman, but if worst comes to worst and she and her father had to go into hiding again. Least Jacquelyn wouldn’t exactly know who she was looking for. Violet made her way into the apartment, making sure to lock the door behind her, and she decided to call it a night. Her father said he would be traveling, so she was sure that he wouldn’t be back in the morning.


	31. The One When Aunt Josephine Has a Date With Captain Sham

** _Chapter Thirty:_ **

_ The One When Aunt Josephine Has a Date With Captain Sham _

That night, the Baudelaire children sat at the table with Aunt Josephine and at their dinner with a cold pit in their stomachs. Half of the pit came from the chilled lime stew that Josephine had prepared. But the other half, if not more than half, came from the knowledge that Count Olaf was once again in their lives.

“That Captain Sham is certainly a charming person,” Aunt Josephine commented. “He must be very lonely, moving to a new town and losing a leg. Maybe we should have invited him for dinner.”

“NO!” Sunny yelled. 

Klaus sighed. “We keep trying to tell you, Aunt Josephine,” he said pushing the stew around on his plate so it would look like he’d eaten more than he actually had. “He’s not Captain Sham! He’s Count Olaf in disguise!”

She looked sternly at both children. “I’ve had enough of your nonsense. Count Olaf has a tattoo on his left ankle and one eyebrow over his eyes. Captain Sham doesn’t even have a left ankle and only has one eye. I can’t believe you would dare to disagree with a man who has eye problems.”

“ _ I  _ have eye problems!” Klaus said, pointing to his glasses. “And you’re arguing with me.”

“I will thank you not to be impertinent,” Aunt Josephine said. “‘Impertinent’ means…”

“ _ I know what ‘impertinent’ means!”  _ Klaus shouted.

“It is very annoying. You will have to simply accept, once and for all, that Captain Sham is  _ not  _ Count Olaf.”

Klaus facepalmed and shook his head in annoyance. He went back to pretending to eat his stew. It was so quiet in the dining room that everyone jumped when the telephone rang. “My goodness!” Aunt Josephine shrieked. “What should we do?”

“Minka!” Sunny replied, which meant, “Answer it, of course!”

Aunt Josephine stood up from the table but didn’t move even as the phone rang a second time. “It might be important, but I don’t know if it’s worth the risk of electrocution.”

“If it makes you feel more comfortable,” Klaus said standing up, “I will answer the phone,”

He reached the phone by the time it rang for the third time. “Hello?” he asked.

“Is this the Anwhistle residence?” a wheezy voice asked.

“Yes,” Klaus replied. “This is Klaus Baudelaire. May I help you?”

“Put the old woman on the phone, orphan,” the voice said, and Klaus froze, realizing it was Captain Sham. Quickly, he stole a glance at Aunt Josephine, who was now watching Klaus nervously. Klaus stole a quick glance at his baby sister, who was also watching him.

He took a deep breath, “I’m sorry,” Klaus said into the phone. “You must have the wrong number,”

“ _ Don’t play with me, you wretched little boy… _ ” Captain Sham started to say, but Klaus hung up the phone, his heart pounding, his body shaking, but he turned to Aunt Josephine.

“Someone was asking for the Hopalong Dancing School,” he said lying quickly. “I told them they had the wrong number.”

Josephine believed this but Sunny could tell her brother was lying. She knew why he was shaking. She knew that Captain Sham had called. 

“What a brave boy you are! Picking up the phone like that,”

“It's actually very safe,” Klaus explained. “Haven’t you ever answered the phone?”

“Not since Ike died. But now that I’ve seen you answer it, maybe I’ll give it a try next time somebody calls.”

The phone rang and Aunt Josephine jumped again. “Goodness!” she said, “I didn’t think it would ring again so soon. What an adventurous evening!” 

Klaus and Sunny looked at the phone again, both knowing it was Captain Sham calling back.

“Get it!” Sunny yelled pointing to herself, which obviously meant, “I’ll get it this time!” Sunny struggled in her high chair. She didn’t want her brother to answer the phone. Knowing it wouldn’t do anything well for his mental health.

“Would you like me to answer it again?” Klaus asked shaking harder ignoring Sunny’s request. 

“No, no,” Josephine said, walking toward the small ringing phone as if it were a barking dog. “I said I’d try it, and I will.” She took a deep breath, reached out a nervous hand, and picked up the phone. “Hello?” she said. “Yes, this is she. Oh, hello, Captain Sham. How lovely to hear your voice.” Aunt Josephine listened for a moment and then blushed bright red. “Well, that’s very nice of you to say, Captain Sham, but...what? Oh, all right. That’s very nice of you to say,  _ Julio _ . What? What? Oh, what a lovely idea. But please hold on one moment.”

Aunt Josephine held a hand over the receiver and faced the two children. “Klaus, Sunny, please go to your room. Captain Sham, I mean Julio, he asked me to call him by his first name, is planning a surprise for you and he wants to discuss it with me.”

“W-we don’t want a surprise,” Klaus said.

“Bad man!” Sunny yelled.

“Of course you do,” Aunt Josephine said. “Now run along so I can discuss it without your eavesdropping.”

“We’re not eavesdropping,” Klaus pleaded, “but I think it would be better if we stayed here.”

“Perhaps you are confused about the meaning of the word ‘eavesdropping’” Josephine began. 

“ _ We both know what ‘eavesdropping’ means! _ ” Klaus yelled but he gave up. He picked up Sunny with tears in his eyes and stomped his way into their room. Once inside, they looked at one another in silent frustration.

Klaus sat on the floor and began to cry. He took off his glasses to wipe his eyes. Sunny sat there watching her brother fall apart. She didn’t know what to do, she didn’t know what to say. She crawled into his lap and looked up at him. “Klaus?”

“You know, I thought we’d be safe here. I was dumb enough to believe that someone afraid of fucking  _ realtors  _ would never be friendly to Count Olaf, no matter what disguise he used!” he said.

“Same,” Sunny replied in agreement. “Leeches?” she asked which meant, “Do you think he actually let leeches chew off his leg just to hide his tattoo.”

“Honestly, I don’t know. The fucker is nuts. I’m not sure if he’s  _ that  _ crazy. But who the fuck knows,” he said.

Sunny sighed in response.

“Maybe Aunt Josephine’s right,” he said absentmindedly.

“Huh?” 

“The world is scary and we should be afraid! No matter where we go, Count Olaf will be there. No matter who we tell, no one will listen to us, Sunny!  _ There is nowhere safe for us and no guardian can help us, _ ” he cried. He looked Sunny in her eyes, “ _ and our parents...they’re never coming back.”  _ he rubbed his eyes.

“Eso,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Life is a conundrum of esoterica, just like uncle Monty said.”

“Uncle Monty is dead!” Klaus yelled. “Because of  _ me! _ ”

“No,” Sunny said simply. “Olaf.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean,” 

“No,” Sunny said again. 

Before either sibling could say anything else, they heard Aunt Josephine calling for them. “Baudelaires! Baudelaires!” Klaus quickly put his glasses back on his face and grabbed Sunny making his way to Aunt Josephine, who ushered them into her grammatical library. Klaus sighed hoping that she wasn’t going to give them another grammar lesson. Seeing that both children are not in the mood. He sat down on the couch that sat in the library placing Sunny in his lap.

“Baudelaires, I know I am a disappointment to you and to countless others. Believe it or not, I used to be a fierce and formidable woman. Your parents and I were more than friends. We were associates. We were colleagues, comrades, collaborators, allies,  _ volunteers!  _ But these are troubling times.”

“We know you miss Ike very much,” Klaus replied as Sunny nodded.

“And I know you miss your parents very much,” she replied putting a hand on Klaus’ knee. “It’s a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It’s like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, thinking that there’s one more stair than there is. And your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise.”

“That’s exactly what it’s like,” Klaus murmured.

“Terribilis,” Sunny murmured which meant, “It’s terrifying.” Klaus translated for his sister.

For once, Aunt Josephine didn’t correct Sunny, instead, she placed a hand on Sunny’s shoulder. “You’re right, Sunny, it  _ is _ terrifying. But today I realized, after answering the phone for the first time in who knows how long, you can’t be terrified forever. I think I am ready to be fierce and formidable again.” She watched as both children’s faces lit up happily. “And I think we can do it together, Baudelaires.”

“That sounds wonderful!” Klaus said as Sunny nodded.

“So, can I leave you children alone for a few hours? He wants to take me out for a fried-egg sandwich,”

Klaus’ eyes got wide and Sunny’s heart sank into her chest. 

“What?” Sunny asked.

“Julio wants to take me out and talk about our troubled pasts over a fried-egg sandwich. Oh, it’ll be good to have something hot for a change,” 

“Y-you’re going on a date?” Klaus asked.

“Now, don’t be vulgar, Klaus. It is not a date, necessarily. It’s just two adults sharing quality time together over toasted rye bread and runny yolks.” Josephine explained.

“Date!” Sunny simplified.

Before Josephine could reply, they heard a knock on the front door.

“No…” Klaus whimpered.

“Not the doorknob! Push the wood!” Josephine yelled.

“No…” Sunny whimpered.

“Oh, be nice to him, won’t you? Just make small talk while I get my sweater.” Josephine said to the Baudelaire children. “Oh, captain! Oh, Captain!”

“I’m hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine,” Sham called back to her as he slowly reached the grammatical library. “Well good evening, children.”

Klaus couldn’t take it anymore. “He’s Count Olaf!” 

Josephine rolled her eyes. “Klaus! Enough!”

“He has the same shiny eye and the same single eyebrow!” 

“Invidiosae!” Sunny shrieked, which meant, “And the same disgusting odor!” Klaus was quick to translate.

“Ahoy, a hairless pygmy!” Sham yelled looking at Sunny with a disgusted face.

“Fuck off!” Sunny yelled.

“She is a baby and you know that!” Klaus yelled holding his sister tighter to him. Glaring at Captain Sham with daggers. He was trying his best to look intimidating but it didn’t seem to phase Sham at all. 

“We’ll discuss what sort of pygmy she is later. In the meantime, the adults have a date,” Sham said smirking at the Baudelaires.

“I’ll get my cardigan,” Josephine said to Captain Sham as she looked at the Baudelaires. “ _ Enough  _ of this Count Olaf nonsense, understand?” 

“I’m sure they understand, Josephine,” Sham said tilting his head slightly, smirking terrifyingly at the Baudelaires. “After all, these two children aren’t blithering morons, are you, Baudelaires? No...they’re  _ wonderful, obedient, well-behaved wittle orphans, _ ” he said slowly in a tone that sent shivers down Sunny’s spine and made Klaus begin to shake in fear. “Maybe one day...they’ll also let me take them on a boat ride, very far away.”

“Morietus!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Go jump in the lake, asshole.” Klaus quickly translated for his sister and turned to their guardian.

“Aunt Josephine!” Klaus pleaded. 

“Oh, Klaus, calm down. I’ll be back in a jiffy!” Josephine walked out of the room leaving Sham with the children.

Captain Sham looked down at Klaus and Sunny with a wicked grin on his face. “So long time, no see.” he glared at Klaus. “As you can see, hanging up on me did nothing for you,” he began to chuckle.

“Bite!” Sunny warned baring her teeth.

“Y-you’ll never get away with this,” Klaus commented.

“Get away with  _ what? _ ” Sham asked as he began to circle the children like a shark. “I’m just a sea captain romancing a fierce and formidable woman.”

“Bull!” Sunny shouted glaring at Sham, this meant something along the lines of, “You’re not a fucking sea captain!” Klaus translated for his sister as he held her close wincing a bit in pain.

“Oh, yes, I am. It says so on my business cards.” Sham said giving them a know-it-all smirk, pulling out one of his cards for the children to see. Klaus waited until Sham wasn’t blocking the exit to the library to start slowly backing up. 

“B-business cards aren’t proof of anything. Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made that say anything they like,” Klaus said his voice shaking with fear.

Sham smirked again. “Well, you’re just a heap of facts, aren’t you, Klaus?” He asked as Klaus continued to back up slowly with Sham slowly following him. Klaus hit the back of a wall before he could move, Sham blocked his exit with his arms. “Facts and  _ facts and  _ ** _facts, _ ** ** _and facts_ ** **.** ” He said angrily leaning in closely to the Baudelaires. With each utterance of the word ‘fact’, he sounded angrier and leaned in closer to them. Klaus shielded Sunny with both arms. “But none of them do you any good. Just like poor Uncle Monty… _ and your parents, may they rest in ashes. _ ” 

Klaus continued to shake and shield Sunny. “What do you want from us…?” Klaus asked in a low whimper. 

“I’ve made it abundantly clear what I want from you,” Sham hissed. “I want that enormous fortune that you two brats are in line to inherit.”

“No!” Sunny yelled as loud as she could from behind Klaus’ arms.

“Sunny, shh,” Klaus begged.

“Oh, and I forgot to mention what I plan to do with you both once I get it,” Sham said grinning. “First...I’m going to--,” he began.

“Oh, Captain Sham?” Josephine called out from the other room. Quickly, Sham snarled moving his arm releasing the Baudelaires from the wall.

“Aunt Josephine, w-we h-have to te-tell you something!” Klaus pleaded releasing his grip on Sunny. 

“Illum ad me!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “Let me at him! I am tired of him threatening us!” Sunny struggled in Klaus’ arms, waving both of her tiny fists in Sham’s direction.

“Stay back, Josephine! The children have gone mad!” Sham said.

“Baudelaires!” Josephine yelled.

“It was so terrible, Josephine.” Sham began with a sobby tone. “All I was doing was offering them a nice boat ride and they started threatening me,”

Klaus still shaking angrily glared at Sham trying to play the victim.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!  _ We’re  _ a threat to  _ you! _ ” Klaus yelled.

“Parum canis!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “That’s right, little bitch! I better be considered a threat to you. I’ll tear you apart with my four fucking teeth! Test me!” Klaus didn’t think it was wise to translate that, although he truly wanted to.

“Children! Enough!” Josephine yelled sternly. “You shouldn’t threaten a man who can’t properly defend himself.”

“It’s fine now, Josephine,” Sham said smirking. “Though wouldn’t the orphans like to say they’re sorry.”

“I’ll  _ never  _ apologize to you!” Klaus yelled.

“Stercore moriar!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Please eat shit and die, little bitch!” This time Klaus did translate for his sister. 

“Come now, Josephine! Our romantic ride in the back of a taxi awaits.” Sham said as Josephine shook her head at the children and headed to the front door. He turned to the children and chuckled. “Don’t wait up, orphans.” Sham slammed the front door behind them as Klaus sank to the ground. 

“Sequitur,” Sunny said, which meant, “We have to go after her,” 

Klaus shook his head. “No…that’d be a waste of time. She won’t listen. No one listens. We have to get to work,”

“Work?” Sunny asked.

Klaus picked up his sister and started walking towards Josephine’s grammatical library. Klaus was determined to learn the answers to his questions. He wanted to help Aunt Josephine but he knew that was a waste of time. He knew that he and Sunny needed to spend their time figuring out the mysteries that surrounded the Baudelaire siblings.


	32. The One When the Baudelaires Receive a Very Fucking Disturbing Note

** _Chapter Thirty-One:_ **

_ The One When the Baudelaires Receive A Very Fucking Disturbing Note _

“Aunt Josephine told us that all the answers we need were in her library, but she made a grammatical error.”

“Rem?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Wait, let me get this straight. Aunt Josephine made a grammatical error?”

“The word ‘library’ is singular, meaning one,” Klaus said as they reached the library. He pushed the desk’s chair where he wanted it and set Sunny on it. “But this isn’t  _ one  _ library, it’s  _ two. _ The one you see here and the one you don’t,” he said as he pushed away the mobile bookshelf. Sunny looked at her brother confused. “Aunt Josephine might not open up, but her safe might.”

“Dificil,” Sunny commented, which meant, “That won’t be easy though. That’s why people have safes.”

“Well, most safes use three numbers,” Klaus said more to himself than Sunny.

“Thous combos?” Sunny commented, which meant, “Wouldn’t that mean that there are thousands of possible combinations,”

“One million, actually.” Klaus corrected. “Aunt Josephine said that she and our parents developed secret codes. In some codes, numbers can substitute for letters and words.” 

“Curis,” she said, which meant, “It’d have to be something she’d remember. Something cares about.”

“You’re right Sunny. But what does she care about?” 

“Grammar?” 

“Too many letters, Sunny. What else does she care about? Cold food? Safety? Avoiding questions about anything we want to know?” 

“Ike!” 

Klaus smiled at his baby sister as he knelt in front of the safe. “That’s three letters long. ‘I’ is the ninth letter of the alphabet. Eleven for ‘K’. and ‘E’ the fifth.” The safe made a noise that sounded like music to both Baudelaires’ ears. Klaus started taking things out of the safe. “Crackers?” he asked confused.

“Tradere,” she said, which meant, “Hand them over,”

Klaus chuckled but handed his sister the crackers, as she began to snack on them. She was happy to have solid food after all the chilled cucumber soup and cold lime stew that Josephine had continuously made for the two children. Klaus grabbed the pieces of paper that had been right under the crackers. Noticing that they were sheet music. “This must be Ike’s whistling music.”

“Imago,” Sunny chimed in with her mouth full of crackers. This meant, “Look a photo album,” she said pointing towards Aunt Josephine’s safe. Klaus quickly grabbed the photo album, placing it on the chair in front of Sunny. 

“Look Aunt Josephine wrestling with an alligator,” Klaus said amazed.

“Victor!” Sunny chimed in, which meant, “And she’s winning!” 

Sunny pointed at a picture of Josephine boxing, Klaus laughed. “She used to skydive. Who jumps out of a plane for fun?”

“Cook!” Sunny said pointing at a picture of Josephine and Ike barbecuing, which meant, “She cooked with fire.” 

“She wasn’t scared of anything,” Klaus said.

“Quod factum est,” Sunny replied, which means, “What happened to her, Klaus?”

Klaus looked up at his sister not sure how to answer her question. He had the same question as his sister. What happened to Aunt Josephine? Did her husband’s death turn her into this paranoid neurotic woman she is today? 

“Ike!” Sunny shouted pointing at several pictures of Ike and Josephine. They looked happy, they looked brave. They were doing all these crazy activities together. There was a picture depicting them with lions. “Leo!” Sunny yelled, which probably meant, “They trained lions, too.” 

“Woah,” Klaus said starting at the photo but something had caught his eye. Placed on Ike’s hip was a spyglass, similar to the one that Klaus had in his pocket. “What the,” he said pulling it out. “Ike had one of these, so did Monty…” he said as he flipped the page to reveal a photo of what looked to be thirteen people.

“Mama!” Sunny shrieked. “Dada!” as she pointed to two figures in the picture. Klaus looked at the photo and he couldn’t believe his eyes. Their parents were in this photo with Ike and Aunt Josephine. They continued to scan the photo more. Seeing a man that Klaus believed looked familiar but he shrugged it off. There was another couple in the photo, a man with short brown hair and a woman with her black hair wrapped up in a bun. 

“Uncle Monty,” Klaus said absentmindedly as he continued to scan the photo. Both the Baudelaires’ hearts sank deep into their chest when they recognized another man in the photo. He was standing smiling happily holding on to a woman, who the Baudelaires believed to look like the taxi driver that had taken them to their Aunt Josephine’s house. 

“Olaf,” Sunny whispered. She was right. Right there in the photo on the other side of Monty stood Olaf who was lovingly holding onto the taxi driver. He looked happy...he looked clean. He also appeared to be  _ friendly _ to their parents. Everyone in this photo looked happy. 

Klaus flipped the photo over hoping that Josephine had written down names, but she hadn’t. He looked over the photo again. Noticing that everyone in the photo also had spyglasses. “Was this sort of a club?”

“Scio?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Did our parents know Count Olaf?”

“That’s the wrong question, Sunny,” Klaus replied. “The better question is were our parents  _ friends  _ with Count Olaf?” 

“Accidit?” Sunny asked, which meant, “And if they were...what happened?” 

I am sorry to inform you that the Baudelaires would  _ not  _ learn of what transpired between their parents and that dastardly man for a long, long time. Even to this day, the Baudelaires aren’t sure if they can take what they’ve learned and believed it entirely. Seeing that the person who told them what had happened happens to be one of the parties involved. Klaus and Sunny would never know if they could believe his stories knowing that he was incredibly biased on the topic. But for now, as both Baudelaires looked down at the photo that Klaus held in his hands. Their minds were racing with a thousand different questions. Questions that they feared would never be answered because they both knew Josephine did not like talking about the past. Klaus eventually folded up the picture placing it in his pocket. He was going to question Josephine or even Olaf about this later.

Klaus looked back at the safe and found that it was empty. He frowned. All he and Sunny had was that confusing picture. After putting everything back into the safe, Klaus carried Sunny back to their room. He set her down on his bed while he sat on the ground and stared at the photo.  _ How could our parents be friends with Olaf? Who was that taxi driver? Was she married to Olaf?  _ Klaus shuddered but decided that that thought was crazy. They had lived in Olaf’s house and he definitely was not married. But either way, Olaf was holding her like you’d hold a girlfriend.  _ So did she date Olaf? If so, what happened? What ended everything? Was that why Olaf turned into the vile man he is today?  _ Klaus rubbed his temples. He honestly didn’t care about his enemy’s backstory, he cared more about the mysteries that surrounded him and his baby sister, he cared more about the mysteries that surrounded  _ their parents. _ He sighed and turned to Sunny, who was peacefully sleeping sprawled out on his bed. He smiled at her. He wished this universe would just leave her alone, let her have the childhood that he had. He had such an easy childhood up to now, Sunny hasn’t even got a fraction of that. He stood up and walked over to their suitcases and took out one of the books that he had taken from Uncle Monty’s house.  _ Might as well.  _ He thought as he opened the book and began to read. Klaus hoped this would help him understand himself a bit more, he hoped that this could teach him good coping mechanisms because he knows that holding in his stress was very unhealthy for him But what could he do? He was the eldest. He had to protect Sunny and put himself on the backburner. He had a promise to keep and he intended on keeping it.

Klaus began to get lost in the book, taking mental notes here and there. His eyes were becoming heavy as the minutes passed by, but he so desperately wanted to wait up for Aunt Josephine to come back. He wasn’t sure what he planned on doing after that, but he knew he wanted to ask her about the picture he found. He wanted to ask her how she could be fooled by Olaf’s transparent disguise when she used to be in some kind of club with him. 

I would like to take this moment to talk about an expression that was taught to me by my associate. The expression is, “You can’t lock up the barn after the horses are gone,” which has honestly become a favorite of mine. In simpler terms, the expression means that sometimes even the best of plans will occur to you when it is too late. Unfortunately, in the cases of the Baudelaires and the Snickets, this expression can be used a multitude of times in several of their unfortunate experiences. I’m sorry to say that this expression works perfectly in this case of the Baudelaire’s plight because their plan to keep a close watch on Captain Sham or their plan to simply question Aunt Josephine about the mysteries surrounding them were not sound plans at all. 

I’m even sorrier to say that all of us are far, far too late to be of any help at all to Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire. My associate and I wish that we could go back somehow and warn the Baudelaires about what would happen that sorry evening. We spend many sleepless nights wishing that there was some powerful...invention, some crucial bit of...research, that might enable me to change the Baudelaires’ sad history. No matter what drastic effects it would have. But again and again, we constantly remind each other that there was nothing that we could do, just as the Baudelaires could do nothing to prevent Captain Sham from enacting his own treacherous plan.

Klaus must have dozed off for a bit because he awoke to the sound of glass shattering. He knew at once that his plans weren’t sound at all. He grabbed Sunny, who was also awakened by the sound. 

“Aunt Josephine!” Klaus called out as he held Sunny close to him. 

“Aunt Jo!” Sunny yelled looking at Klaus frightened. She looked at her brother, “Noise?” she asked which meant, “What was that noise?”

“It sounded like breaking glass,” he said worriedly. “Aunt Josephine!”

“Aunt Jo!” Sunny cried.

Klaus peered up and down the hallway, but everything was quiet. The whole house felt cold and eerie. “Aunt Josephine!” 

Klaus walked quickly to the dining room, but their guardian wasn’t there either. He noticed Captain Sham’s business card and the dirty bowls of cold lime stew on the table. “Aunt Jo!” Sunny yelled. Klaus held Sunny tighter as he ran back out to the hallway and toward the door of the library, as he ran, Klaus couldn’t help but remember how he had called Uncle Monty’s name early one morning, just before discovering the tragedy that had befallen him. He began to get more and more worried, “ _ Aunt Josephine!”  _ he cried.

“ _ Aunt Jo!”  _ Sunny screamed as loud as she could hoping her guardian would answer. Sunny couldn’t help but remember all the times she would have woken up in the middle of the night and she’d cry, which was her way of calling out for her parents. She remembered that every time  _ before  _ the fires, she’d be happy and relieved when one or both of her parents would reach her room and look over her crib. But ever since the fire, when she called out ‘Mama,” and “Dada,’ they never came. Sunny’s eyes began to tear up as she slowly began to realize that Aunt Josephine might be just like Monty and her parents. Never coming back. 

Both Baudelaires as they shouted for their guardian, remembered all the times after the fire where they’d had called out their parents' names as they dreamed of the terrible fire that had claimed their lives. “ _ Aunt Josephine!” _

“ _ Aunt Jo!”  _

The Baudelaires reached the library door. Klaus was afraid to call out Aunt Josephine’s name when his aunt could no longer hear it. 

“Gak!” Sunny shouted pointing at a piece of paper, folded in half, was attached to the door with a thumbtack. Klaus walked over and pried the paper loose and unfolded it. 

“No…” Klaus whimpered.

“Huh?” Sunny asked craning her little neck to see, trying to read the piece of paper. “What?”

“It’s a note...a suicide note,” Klaus whimpered. 

“Dia?” Sunny asked, which meant, “What’s it say?”

Klaus took a deep breath and looked at his sister. She could see that he had tears in his eyes. He choked on his words as he began to read the letter aloud: 

“ ** _Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire, _ **

** _By the time you read this note, my life will be at it’s end. My heart is as cold as Ike and I find my life inbearable. I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have leaded me to this desperate akt, but please know that I am much happier this way. As my last will and testament, I leave you two in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly even though I’d done this terrible thing._ **

** _-Your Aunt Josephine” _ **

“Oh no,” Sunny said quietly when her brother finished reading. She watched as Klaus turned the paper over and over as if he had read it incorrectly as if he could flip it over and it would say something entirely different. 

“Oh no,” Klaus said, so faintly that it was as if he didn’t even know he was speaking out loud. He began to breathe heavily. Without a word, Klaus opened the door to the library, and the Baudelaires took a step inside and found themselves shivering. The room was freezing cold, and after one glance the children knew why. The Wide Window had shattered. Except for a few shards that still stuck to the window frame, the enormous pane of glass was gone, leaving a vacant hole that looked out into the still blackness of the night.

The cold night air rushed through the hole, rattling the bookshelves and making the children shiver up against one another, but despite the cold, Klaus walked carefully to the empty space where the window had been and looked down. Sunny held on to her brother’s shirt as tightly as she could as she looked down as well. The night was so black that it seemed as if there was absolutely nothing beyond the window. Klaus and Sunny stood there for a moment, holding on to each other as tightly as possible, both with tears in their eyes. They remembered the fear they had felt, just a few days ago, when they were standing in this very same spot. They knew now that their fear had been rational. Huddling together, looking down into the blackness, the Baudelaire orphans knew that any good plans that they had came to them too late. They had locked the barn door, but poor Aunt Josephine was already gone.

It is impossible to go back, of course, and tell the two Baudelaires that their fears that night  _ were  _ entirely rational. It is impossible to go back and tell them anything at all, just as it is impossible to put Aunt Josephine’s terribly structured house back on top of that cliff. I can tell you something, I can tell you that through my knowledge and my associate’s research of the Baudelaire case that, as Klaus and Sunny stood there and gazed out the wide window of Josephine Anwhistle’s house, believing that their guardian was dead. They were wrong. I can tell you that Josephine Anwhistle was not dead at all.  _ Not yet.  _


	33. The One When the Baudelaires Learn of Their Lunch Date With Captain Sham

** _Chapter Thirty-Two:_ **

_ The One When the Baudelaires Learn of Their Lunch Date With Captain Sham _

“It can’t be...” Klaus cried.

When you lose someone important to you, ‘it can’t be’ are often the words that run through your saddened head. It can’t be that I’ve lost someone so important. It can’t be that I will never see them again. It can’t be. It can’t be. These were the same words that the Baudelaire children had thought that day Mr. Poe told them about the fire. It was the same exact words Lemony Snicket himself thought every day since that night at the opera when he had lost the love of his life. It was also what he said when he learned about the fire that had claimed the same woman’s life. And unfortunately, ‘it can’t be’ was the same exact thing that  _ I  _ thought to myself when I lost everyone near and dear to me. 

The Baudelaires believed, incorrectly, that they would never see their Aunt Josephine again, but it can’t be that you are interested in watching these two children suffer as her last words echo again and again throughout her empty and doomed house. It can’t be. I can grant you a courtesy that was not granted to myself or my associate when we researched the Baudelaire’s stay in the Anwhistle residence, which is granting you the chance to leave. Because this tale was only going to get worse. 

Klaus decided to call Mr. Poe, hoping that he’d be of some kind of help to the children. What else could he do? He read the note aloud to Mr. Poe just to hear Mr. Poe tell him that he and Sunny can always rely on Mulctuary Money Management and that he’d be here in the morning. 

He made his way to the library again, still clutching the note in his hand, he reread the note for the umpteenth time aloud.

_ “Stop! _ ” Sunny shouted at her brother from the desk chair he had sat her in, wiping her eyes. “ _ Stop! Stop! Stop!”  _ Now you might think that this was Sunny’s complete thought, but when she yelled ‘stop’ several times at her brother, she meant, “Stop reading it out loud, Klaus! We already know what it says!” 

“Sorry,” he whimpered, “I just...I can’t believe it,” he turned the note around for the umpteenth time. “There’s something funny about this note, but I can’t put my finger on it.”

“What?” Sunny asked angrily. “Unhumor!” she replied, which meant, “There’s nothing funny about Aunt Josephine jumping out of a fucking window to her death, Klaus!” 

“No, not funny as in a funny joke. Funny as in a funny smell. Why in the very first sentence she says ‘my life will be at it’s end’.”

“Now!” Sunny yelled shuddering, which meant, “Yeah, and now it is!”

“No, you’re not understanding me,” Klaus replied impatiently. “She uses ‘it’s’. As in I-T-apostrophe-S, which always means ‘it is’. But you wouldn’t say ‘my life will be at it is end,’. She means I-T-S, ‘belonging to it’. Remember Captain Sham’s stupid business card? She said he had made a serious grammatical error.”

“So?” Sunny replied. “Qui curat?!” which meant, “Who the fuck cares!? Seriously, who the fuck cares about grammatical errors when Aunt Josephine has jumped out of the window!?”

“Sunny, Aunt Josephine would have cared. That’s what she cared about most: grammar. Remember, she said it was the greatest joy in life!”

“Non satis!” she screamed, which meant, “Well, obviously it wasn’t enough! No matter how much she liked grammar, it simply didn’t matter!” 

“But there’s another error in the note,” Klaus pointed out. “It says ‘inbearable’ with an I. When it should say, ‘unbearable’ with a U.”

Sunny looked at Klaus with a face of pure annoyance. “Unbear! You!” Sunny yelled pointing at Klaus, which was her way of saying, “ _ You  _ are being unbearable, with a U,”

Klaus, without entirely thinking, angrily replied, “And  _ you  _ are being stupid, with an S!” 

“Fuck you!” Sunny yelled at her brother angrily flipping him off. 

Klaus opened his mouth to continue his argument with his baby sister, but then he realized  _ who  _ he was arguing with. His  _ baby  _ sister. Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But that was the thing, Klaus was old enough to realize that this never truly helps. Plus, Sunny was already as miserable as he was. He sighed putting the note in his pocket and knelt down to Sunny’s level. “I’m sorry, Sunny,” he said, meekly. “You’re not stupid, you’re remarkably intelligent especially for someone your age.”

Sunny looked at her brother and frowned. “Sorry,” she replied. “No unbear,” which was her way of saying, “I’m sorry, too, Klaus. You’re not unbearable. Our situation is unbearable.”

Klaus picked up his baby sister and hugged her tightly. “I hope we’re clever enough to get us out of this situation. Aunt Josephine has jumped out of the window and left us in the care of Captain Sham, and I don’t know what we can do about it. Mr. Poe’s on his way, but I have my doubts.”

“Same,” Sunny replied. 

Both children knew in their hearts that Mr. Poe was never any help. They knew their chances of Mr. Poe being of any help were rather slim. When the orphans lived with Count Olaf, Mr. Poe dismissed the blatant child abuse that they were receiving as Olaf acting in ‘loco parentis’. When the children lived with Uncle Monty, Mr. Poe refused to believe them when the children tried to explain to him about Olaf’s treachery. 

“I wish I never read him that note. Then we could’ve torn it up and forged a new one in her handwriting leaving out the Captain Sham part.”

“Dificil?” Sunny asked, which meant, “But wouldn’t it be difficult to imitate her handwriting?”

“Maybe…it’s not her handwriting at all,” Klaus said smiling. 

“Aha!” Sunny shouted.

“That would explain I-T-apostrophe-S. That would also explain ‘inbearable’.”

“Leep!” Sunny replied, which probably meant, “Captain Sham threw Aunt Josephine out the window and then wrote this note to hide his crime.”

Both children shuddered thinking about Captain Sham throwing Aunt Josephine into the same lake that she feared so much. Then the children thought about all the terrible things that Sham will do to them if they didn’t expose him for his crimes. The children waited for Mr. Poe in silence. Taking turns napping, hoping to rest and recharge themselves. But neither child was able to actually sleep peacefully since they were worried about how they were going to escape Sham’s clutches this time.

Finally, when Mr. Poe arrived, for once in their lives they were happy to see him. “Mr. Poe,” Klaus said. He intended to tell him immediately about their forgery theory, but as soon as he saw him, his words stuck in his throat. You see, tears are a curious thing, for like earthquakes and anxiety attacks, they can occur at any time, with little to no warning at all and with little to no real reasoning. “Mr. Poe,” Klaus said again and without warning, Klaus and Sunny burst into tears. Both siblings cried so hard that their shoulders shook with sobs, Klaus was crying so hard that his tears were making his glasses slip down his nose and Sunny cried so hard revealing her four sharp teeth. Mr. Poe stood there awkwardly as he put away his handkerchief. He was not very good at comforting people but he put his arms around Klaus and Sunny the best he could and murmured “there, there,” which is a phrase that some people murmur to comfort other people despite the fact that it doesn’t mean anything. 

“Forgery?” Mr. Poe said coughing into his handkerchief. After his and Sunny’s crying spell, Klaus had wasted no time explaining to Mr. Poe the Baudelaire siblings’ theory about the note. Even showing him the shattered window in the library. “That’s a very serious charge.”

“Not as serious as murder,” Klaus pointed out. “Which is what Count Olaf did! He murdered Aunt Josephine and forged a note.”

Mr. Poe rolled his eyes. “Again with Count Olaf,” he said after another fit of coughing. “I understand that the two of you have had some horrible experiences, but I hope you’re not letting your imagination get the best of you. Remember when you lived with Uncle Monty? You were convinced that his assistant, Stephano, was really Count Olaf in disguise.”

Sunny rolled her eyes as Klaus sighed deeply, “But Stephano  _ was  _ Count Olaf in disguise!”

“Well other than the hole in the window, I can see no sign of a struggle or a break-in,” 

“Dixi vobis!” Sunny screamed in reply, which meant “We’ve already told you! Count Olaf didn’t have to break in because he was in disguise and Aunt Josephine fell for it, hook, line, and sinker!” Klaus was quick to translate for her.

“Please, there’s no time for fishing jokes,” Mr. Poe replied, “There’s a very simple way to tell who wrote this note. We simply have to compare it to your Aunt Josephine’s handwriting.”

The two Baudelaires looked at each other in surprise. “That...that’s actually an excellent idea,” Klaus commented as Sunny looked at Mr. Poe confused as to how someone without a brain just had a decent idea.

“You are very intelligent children, but even the most intelligent people sometimes need the help of a banker.” 

Klaus hurried to the kitchen, grabbing a piece of paper and walking back to the library. He handed the paper to Mr. Poe, “Here’s Aunt Josephine’s shopping list. We can use this to compare.”

Mr. Poe and Klaus looked down at the two pieces of paper. “Oh, look here. Look at the ‘B’ in ‘Baudelaire’ and how it matches the ‘B’ in ‘Bottles of water’. And look at the ‘C’ in ‘cold soup ingredients’ and how it matches the ‘C’ in ‘Captain Sham’. And look where she writes, ‘I think shopping is terribly dangerous’ and how it matches, ‘think of me kindly, even though I’d done this terrible thing’.” He explained to the Baudelaires. 

Klaus looked confused at the note, noticing yet another error in the note. “It should be ‘ _ I’ve  _ done this terrible thing’.” 

“Yes, it is a terrible thing, and I’m sure it’s very upsetting to read. But once and for all, we can see the note is not a forgery.”

“You’re right,” Klaus said sadly looking at Sunny.

“But why would this Captain Sham person go through so much trouble just to place you under his care?”

“Sham!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “We’ve already told you. Captain Sham is Count Olaf in disguise!” Klaus translated for his sister.

Mr. Poe dismissed that thought entirely. “The point is that you children can’t just start jumping to conclusions. You’ve jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you’re jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he’d stop at nothing until he got ahold of your parents’ enormous fortune is involved in some complicated plot to get ahold of your parents’ enormous fortune.”

“You...you don’t believe us...again?” Klaus asked breathing heavily. “Mr. Poe you have to believe us when we tell you that Captain Sham is really Count Olaf. Aunt Josephine’s note might not have been forged, but there’s something suspicious about her note. It’s full of grammatical errors!”

“Children, disguises and grammatical errors, these are dire accusations, but they’re easily investigated,” Poe said as he began to cough in his handkerchief. “We can settle the whole matter over brunch.”

Klaus and Sunny’s eyes went wide. 

“Brunch?” Sunny asked. 

“Yes, it’s a word for the combination--”

“ _ We know what brunch means!”  _ Klaus yelled.

“Oh, good, then you’ll have an easy time with the menu. Captain Sham’s invited us all to a restaurant to talk this over.”

The Baudelaires felt their hearts sink in their chests. “Y-you’ve already spoken with Captain Sham?” Klaus asked as he began to shake. 

“Yes, by some strange coincidence, he called me accidentally, trying to reach a knife store to buy a surprise for some children he knows,” Mr. Poe said as Klaus put a hand on his own chest, shaking harder remembering what Olaf had done to him with an umbrella. “He was shocked to hear about Josephine’s death but overjoyed at the prospect of raising you children. What sailor wouldn’t be?”

“W-we’re not going to brunch with that villain!” Klaus screamed angrily. “We’ll stay here and examine her note,” 

“Now, Klaus, we’ve already figured out that your Aunt Josephine was the one who wrote that note, which makes it a legal document. Someone’s last will and testament is an official statement of the wishes of the deceased. You were placed in Josephine’s care, so she had the right to assign you to a new caretaker before she leaped out of the window. It might be depressing, but it is entirely legal.”

“No!” Sunny shrieked.

“No...we won’t go live with him  _ again _ !” Klaus shouted fiercely. “He’s the worst person on Earth!” He closed his eyes. All he could think about was his failed rescue attempt. His body shook violently where he had to sit down. “He’ll do something...he’ll do something terrible to us...I know it. I’ve lived it!” 

“Fortunae!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Klaus is right! All he’s after is the Baudelaire fortune! Please don’t make us live with that evil man!”

“You may not like Captain Sham, but there’s not much I can do about it. I’m afraid the law says that that’s where you will go,”

Klaus shook his head fiercely. “We’ll run away!” 

“You will do nothing of the sort,” Mr. Poe replied sternly. “Your parents entrusted me to see that you would be cared for properly.”

“Shit!” Sunny yelled, which meant “You’ve done a shit job at it! I was shoved in a birdcage and Klaus was deeply affected by whatever Olaf did to him!” Klaus translated for Sunny still shaking.

“Baudelaires, you want to honor your parents’ wishes, don’t you?” Mr. Poe asked.

“Gaslit!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Yes, we do...but…!” Klaus translated for her, still shaking his head at Mr. Poe. 

“Then please stop making a fuss. Think of what your poor mother and father would say if they knew you were threatening to run away from your guardian.” 

Both Klaus and Sunny knew that the Baudelaire parents, of course, would have been horrified to learn that their children were to be in the care of Captain Sham, but before the children could say this to Mr. Poe, he had moved on to other matters. 

Sunny looked at her brother, who was a big mess. “Klaus?”

“I just can’t believe it. I was sure we were on the right track with the forgery idea. We know Captain Sham has done something here, we know he has, but he’s been even sneakier than usual.”

“Captiosus,” Sunny replied, which meant, “We’ll have to be smarter than usual, then. Because we’ve got to convince Mr. Poe before it’s too late.”

Before Klaus could reply to his sister, Mr. Poe ushered them to follow him into his car. Klaus picked up Sunny but Sunny could tell that he was concentrating on something. His eyes were focused and he was silent. Klaus noticed after awhile that Sunny was staring at him. “What?” he asked as he got into Mr. Poe’s car. 

“Whah?” Sunny asked confused.

“You’re staring at me,” 

“Cogitare?” Sunny asked, which meant “You’re thinking something! You must have figured something out. You’ve been reading Aunt Josephine’s note over and over and you had an expression as if you’ve figured something out. So what is it?”

“I’m not sure. I might have begun figuring something out. But I need more time,”

“No time!” Sunny said, which meant, “We don’t have any time, we’re going to have lunch with Captain Sham  _ right now! _ ”

“Then we’re going to have to make some more time, somehow,” Klaus said determinedly.

“How?” Sunny asked. Klaus shrugged. He went back to think about Aunt Josephine’s note while Sunny began to think of ways to invent more time. She knew that she couldn’t invent time...that wasn’t possible. But maybe, just maybe she could figure out how to get her and her brother excused from this brunch that way they’d be able to find a way to stop Sham’s treacherous plan. Both children were lost in their thoughts and their fear. Klaus and Sunny were frightened about what was going to happen next. Both children knew that they could not end up in Sham’s care but they were afraid that they couldn't figure out how to get out of this situation.

You probably know of a plant called the Venus Flytrap which grows in the tropics and in the apartments of certain lonely people. The top of the plant is shaped like an open mouth with toothlike spines around the edges. When a fly attracted to the smell of a flower lands on the Venus flytrap, the mouth of the plant begins to close, trapping the terrified fly who slowly, slowly, slowly dissolves into nothing. As Klaus and Sunny arrived at their brunch with Count Olaf, a few minutes late because Mr. Poe missed the turn, they felt like the fly in this situation. It was as if the disastrous fire that took the lives of their parents had been the beginning of a trap, and they hadn’t even known it. They had buzzed from place to place, from Count Olaf’s house in the city, to Uncle Monty’s home in the country, and now, Aunt Josephine’s house overlooking the lake, but their own misfortune always closed around them, tighter and tighter, and it seemed to the two siblings that before too long they would dissolve away to nothing, the children felt as helpless as a fly as Count Olaf’s evil scheme closed around them. Unfortunately, for them, they would not learn for a long time that a couple of people were there,  _ desperately _ trying to help them. 


	34. The One With Hurricane Herman Terrorizes The Baudelaire Orphans

** _Chapter Thirty-Three:_ **

_ The One With Hurricane Herman Terrorizing the Baudelaire Orphans _

“Hello, I’m Larry Your-Waiter,” Larry said anxiously. He shook slightly as he spoke as if he was afraid. “Welcome to the Anxious Clown Restaurant, where everybody has a good time whether they like it or not. I can see we have a whole family lunching together, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer. It’s a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce.”

“Well, that sounds wonderful, Harry!” Captain Sham said as he stared across the table at the Baudelaire orphans who simply glared at him. “Extra Special Family Fun Appetizer for an extra special family. _ Mine. _“

“I’ll just have a glass of water, thank you.” Klaus said, “And a glass of ice cubes for my baby sister, please.”

“I’ll have a cup of coffee with non-dairy creamer, please.” Mr. Poe said. 

“Oh, no, Poe. Let’s, uh, share a nice bottle of red wine,” Sham suggested.

“No, thank you, Captain Sham. I don’t drink during banking hours,”

“But this is a celebratory lunch!” Sham said smirking at the children. “After all, it’s not every day that a man becomes a father of two children.”

“Please, Sham.” He coughed for a moment, “It’s heartening to know that you’re glad to raise the children, but you must understand, the children lost their Aunt Josephine. They’re rather upset.”

Klaus and Sunny knew of a lizard called the chameleon that, as I’m sure you know, can change color instantly to blend into its surroundings. Besides being slimy and cold-blooded, Captain Sham resembled the chameleon in that he was chameleonic, meaning, able to blend in with any situation. Since Mr. Poe and the Baudelaires had arrived at the Anxious Clown, Sham had been unable to conceal his excitement at having the children almost in his clutches. But now that Mr. Poe had pointed out that this was a sad occasion, Captain Sham instantly began to speak in a mournful voice. “I am upset, too. I’m probably more upset. Josephine was my, uh,” Sham’s voice broke and he brushed away a tear from beneath his eyepatch. “Josephine was one of my oldest and dearest friends.”

“You met her _ yesterday! _” Klaus argued. “In the grocery store.”

Sham snuck a glare Klaus’ way, “It does only seem like yesterday, but actually it was many years ago. She and I met in cooking school. We were oven partners in the Advanced Baking Course.”

“Bull!’ Sunny shouted, which meant, “You weren’t oven partners. Aunt Josephine was desperately afraid of turning on an oven!” Klaus was quick to translate for his sister, but Sham paid them no mind. 

“We soon became friends and one day she said to me, ‘if I ever adopt some orphans and then meet an untimely death, promise me that you will raise them as if they were your own.’ Of course, I agreed, but I had no idea I would have to keep that promise.”

“Josephine is dead?” Larry asked shocked. 

Sham smirked towards Larry, who shook slightly again. “Yes. Josephine Anwhistle jumped out of the window of her own home late last night. Didn’t you hear?”

“I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion,” Larry said nervously as Sham sneered at that phrase. “In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers. The pickles, mustard, and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger, which is guaranteed to get ya smilin’ too! So make sure you look inside before you eat it.”

“Well, that’s a wonderful idea! Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers for everyone, Barry!” Sham said.

Larry sighed and frowned towards the children but walked back into the kitchen. 

“Odd service, here,” Poe commented.

“It’s the offseason.” Sham pointed out.

“I want to emphasize straightaway that the Baudelaire fortune will still be under my supervision until Klaus comes of age,” Poe explained getting to the point as he opened his suitcase.

“What fortune? I don’t know about any fortune.”

Sunny growled at Sham. Sham, in response, hissed at her. Somehow Mr. Poe didn’t find this a problem at all.

“The Baudelaire parents have left behind an enormous fortune that the children will inherit when Klaus comes of age.”

“Oh, I have no interest in a fortune. I’ve got my sailboats.” 

“Bull!” Sunny shouted.

“Mr. Poe, Sunny’s right! Surely you can finally see that this man--,” Klaus began.

“Beverages!” Larry interrupted nervously. “Coffee for the banker. A Fuzzy Navel for the sailor.”

“What?” Sham asked suspiciously.

“A gift from someone in the kitchen,” Larry explained as Sham tasted the drink, deciding that it wasn’t drugged or disgusting and he began to chug it down. “And water and ice for the Baudelaires.”

“Wait? You know our names?” Klaus asked.

Larry got incredibly nervous as Sham glared at him. “O-of course I don’t know your names!” Larry said breathing heavily, walking quickly back into the kitchen.

“I’ve completely forgotten what we were saying,” Mr. Poe said.

“Don’t you hate that?” 

“We were saying he is Count Olaf!” Klaus commented angrily.

“Who? The Waiter?” Sham asked.

“He did seem odd,” Poe commented.

“No, not the damn waiter! You! You’ve done something terrible to Aunt Josephine and you’re scheming to get our fortune!”

Poe scoffed. “Why would Captain Sham do something terrible to his closest friend?”

“Good point, Poe.”

“He isn’t Captain Sham! He’s Count Olaf!” Klaus cried.

Mr. Poe began to cough, finally, he said, “Klaus. I have been more than patient with you. I understand that losing your parents and your home has had an emotional effect, as I imagine it would have on many people. I’ve done the best I can to find a suitable home for you and your sister, but nothing I do seems to be good enough. And now, faced with a perfectly legal last will and testament that will place you in the care of a sailor you met yesterday, you start to spout these wild, McCarthyesque accusations.”

“Yeah, what he said,” Sham said rolling his eyes.

Mr. Poe scoffed and sighed. “But if you insist, I will prove to you that Captain Sham and Count Olaf are two completely different people, step by step as if you were a baby.”

“Hey!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “that’s insulting!”

“Count Olaf has one long eyebrow. While Captain Sham has one eyepatch. Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle. While Captain Sham has a peg leg where his left leg should be. Count Olaf would have just met Josephine, while Sham has known her for many years.”

“Along with her husband, what’s-his-name.” 

“Count Olaf is a murderous man who’s only interested in your parents’ money, while Captain Sham has expressed great interest in raising you children without touching a single penny.” 

“We’ll see,” Sham whispered smirking at Klaus.

“So can we all agree that Captain Sham has none of the hallmarks, earmarks, or benchmarks of Count Olaf?”

“Aye! Aye!” Sham said rolling his eyes again.

“Now, Captain sham, I have some papers in my briefcase that I need you to sign,”

“And then the children will be mine?”

“You’ll be caring for them, yes.”

“And there’s nothing in the world that can stop me?”

“Well, that’s a peculiar way of saying it, but, yes.” 

Klaus sighed and sat back in his chair, visibly upset. Klaus couldn’t believe that Mr. Poe couldn’t tell by how Sham was talking that he had vicious alternative motives. He looked to Sunny who had barely said anything during his last attempt to reason with Mr. Poe. This was because Sunny was exhausted. Sunny and her brother were both extremely exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. Mr. Poe had dragged the two siblings to this horrid lunch with Captain sham instead of believing them that Olaf was Captain Sham in disguise. Klaus and Sunny could not even take a single bite of their burgers because their stomachs were filled with overwhelming anxiety on whether or not Count Olaf was finally going to succeed and once again become their guardian.

The oddly behaved waiter came back with another glass of water for Klaus and more ice cubes for Sunny, seeing that the young infant had obliterated all of her ice cubes in hopes of scaring Captain Sham.

“Eveal,” Sunny whispered to Klaus, as Mr. Poe began to drone on about some rather boring and uninteresting story, which probably meant “We need to leave and go figure out that note,”

Klaus simply nodded. He could feel Sham’s shiny eyes staring at him as if Olaf was trying to use his eyes to set Klaus ablaze. This made Klaus both very nervous and very annoyed. He put his hand on his stomach and cringed remembering the “punishment” Olaf gave to him for trying to rescue Sunny back at his place. Klaus knew that they had to get back to Aunt Josephine’s house and examine the note but he didn’t know how to get himself and his baby sister excused from this horrible lunch.

The waiter, Klaus and Sunny were sure his name was Larry, who still looked very nervous and spoke with a shaky voice, “I forgot to ask…” he began as he passed out the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers. “If anyone had any...allergies...so I can tell the chef. We wouldn’t...want anyone to leave...during this meal,” he said trying to make his idea apparent to the children while trying to hide his intentions from Sham.

Klaus and Sham looked at Larry confused while Mr. Poe didn’t seem to pay much attention to the waiter as he continued to drone on. Sunny, on the other hand, got an idea. Her face lit up and she smiled at the waiter. “Pepmint,” Sunny shrieked praying that the waiter could understand her in her baby talk and that Sham could not. 

Larry simply nodded at Sunny and left towards the kitchen. 

Sunny’s idea was a dangerous one. Some would even call it rather stupid. But she didn’t care, Sunny believed it was clever, and if you ask my associate and me, it was clever. Sunny knew that being in Captain Sham’s “care” would be worse for the Baudelaires than she and Klaus putting peppermints in their mouths. Sunny looked towards Klaus and frowned remembering the times she witnessed Count Olaf beat the shit out of Klaus. She remembered that Olaf must have done something to Klaus while she was in the birdcage because Klaus was damaged. _ Never again. _ Sunny sworn to herself. Sunny knew she would have been on the receiving end of some of that physical abuse had it not have been for her big brother. So she was going to try her hardest to _ never _let Klaus be in that situation again. It’s like he said to her back in Count Olaf’s place. It’s just them now. No mother. No father. Just them. So she was determined to help and protect him as much as he was determined to help and protect her. Klaus needed more time to examine that note, that’s exactly what Sunny was getting them. More time.

Sunny’s face beamed with happiness when Larry came back to their table with the bill. On the bill tray, she could see four peppermints with two of them already unwrapped. Larry placed the bill tray as close to Sunny as he could without making it obvious to Captain Sham what he was doing.

“Here’s the bill. Take your time and enjoy your lunch, “ Larry said in a calmer tone which should have been a warning for Olaf had he not managed to get Poe to shut up and was now telling a story about himself. 

Sunny took this opportunity to stealthily grab a peppermint for herself and her brother, she dropped it ever so carefully into his lap. Klaus looked down at his lap but then up at Sunny, who just smiled nodding her head slightly at him. “Mama,” she whispered, which was her way of explaining her idea, “We know Mother and you are allergic to peppermints, so there’s a good chance that I am, too.”

Klaus was cautious. He knew that if you were allergic to something you should never put that thing into your mouth. But he and Sunny were desperate and he had to admit even if it was a crazy plan, it was a brilliant one. One he would have never thought of. He nodded to his baby sister and both Baudelaire orphans stealthily lifted the peppermints into their mouths and waited for their allergic reactions to take effect.

He had to hand it to Sunny, for an infant, she was really holding her own and making him proud of her every day. It made him feel bad for calling her stupid earlier. She was cunning and clever. Hopefully clever enough to buy the Baudelaire orphans some time.

The Baudelaire allergies are famous for being quick-acting, so the orphans did not have to wait long to see the results of Sunny’s plan. In a few minutes, both Baudelaires began to break out in red, itchy hives and their tongues began to swell up. 

Mr. Poe finally finished telling his story and then noticed the orphans’ condition. “Why, children,” he said, “you look _ terrible! _ You have huge, ugly, red patches on your skin and your tongues are swelling.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Sham said dismissively.

“Nothing? Klaus has a hive on his face the size of a hard-boiled egg!”

“They just need to take some deep breaths,”

“Bluh think we should go home bluh rest,” Klaus said as Sunny began to wail.

“Excellent idea,” Mr. Poe said.

“Poe, it’s in the middle of brunch,” Sham said to Poe and turned to Klaus and Sunny. “Just lean back in your seats, children.”

“Captain Sham, the children are quite ill. Let’s pay the bill and take the children home.” Mr. Poe said standing up.

“No, no,” Klaus said quickly. “We can bluh home bluh ourselves,” 

Captain Sham gave Klaus a sharp look. “_ I wouldn’t dream of leaving you two alone,” _he said in a dark voice. 

“Well, there is a lot of paperwork to go over to make the adoption official,” Mr. Poe said, Klaus and Sunny could see that he was not too eager to leave the restaurant and care for sick children. “We wouldn’t be leaving them alone for long.”

Klaus stood up, “Yes, bluhnish the paperwork bluh have a rebluhing lunch. Capbluh Sham can come fetch bluh at bluh Josephine’s house. Our allergies are bluhly mild.” He said scratching at one of his hives. “We’ll bluh lie down bluh an hour or two.” He picked up Sunny from her seat. Frowning at his sister having her first allergic reaction. He could tell that she was not enjoying it at all. He turned back to Sham and Poe. “Bluh you have signed bluh adoption papers, Captain Bluh, you can just come bluh retrieve us.” 

Captain Sham’s one visible eye grew as shiny as Klaus had ever seen it. “_ Oh, I’ll do that,” _ he replied in a dark, scary tone. “ _ I’ll come and retrieve you very, very soon.” _

Klaus quickly exited the restaurant. “Sunny, bluh a bluhnius!” Klaus said happily. He quickly buttoned up her coat realizing that the wind outside was blowing hard and it had started to drizzle as Hurricane Herman got closer and closer to Lake Lachrymose. Sunny, who was scratching one of her hives, looked up at Klaus. She had a worried look on her face. Both Baudelaires knew that they may have bought themselves just a little bit of time, and they had to use every second of it. 

The children looked around desperately looking for a taxi, suddenly a taxi stopped in front of them. Klaus hoped it would be the same woman who took them to their Aunt Josephine’s but unfortunately, it wasn’t. To his and Sunny’s surprise it wasn’t one taximan, but two. One on the floor handling the pedals and another sitting in the seat handling the steering wheel. Usually, if Klaus had the time and his tongue wasn’t swollen he would have explained to these two men that this was an unsafe way to operate a motor vehicle. But he knew in his current state that this was pointless. When they reached Josephine’s house, Klaus realized he had no way to pay the taxi drivers.

“You’re good, kid,” the man on the floor explained. 

“Bluh?” Klaus asked confused.

“Someone else already paid for you.” the man in the seat explained. 

“Bluhly?” 

“Yeah, he paid in advance. Said there’s going to be two sick kids who need a ride to the Anwhistle residence,”

The Baudelaires looked at one another confused. _ Who would pay for a taxi for them? _

“Bluhter?” Klaus asked.

“Sorry, kid, we have no idea what you’re saying. You should get some rest. Be safe. That house looks like it’s going to fall into the lake,” the man in the seat explained as they drove away.

“Bluhry?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Do you think the waiter, Larry, called a taxi for us?”

“It’s bluhsible,” Klaus said scratching at one of his hives. “”Bluh mean, bluh else bluh we’d bluh sick?”

Sunny shrugged scratching at her hives. “Bluh!” she shrieked, she meant to shriek, “Bath!” which was her way of saying, “do you think a bath will help my hives?” Usually, Sunny Baudelaire hated being given a bath so it was a true surprise that she was requesting one.

“Only bluh baking bluhda, bluh doubt bluh josebluh would have any.” Klaus explained. “Bluh never bluhed.”

Sunny nodded her head miserably, throwing off her jacket so she can scratch at more of her hives. Klaus headed towards the library, he kept his coat on even if it made it harder for him to scratch his itchy hives, he kept it on because he expected the library to be cold. When Klaus opened the door of the library, he was surprised at how much it had changed. The wind from Hurricane Herman had blown away most of the remaining pieces of the window, and the rain had soaked some of Aunt Josephine’s comfortable chairs, leaving dark, spreading stains. A few books had fallen from their shelves and blown over to the window, where water had swollen them. There are a few sights sadder than a ruined book, but Klaus knew he had no time to be sad. He knew Captain Sham would come and retrieve the Baudelaires as soon as he could, so he had to get right to work. He grabbed a couple of books off the shelves to help him with Aunt Josephine’s note. Klaus thought about what the taxi drivers had said about the house falling into the lake. He shook his head vigorously. _ No, there’s no way. This house must have survived other storms. This can’t be the first. _

Klaus set the letter on the table, weighing it down with books so it wouldn’t blow away in the wind. He set Sunny down in the desk chair as he knelt on the floor. Normally, a library is a very good place to work, Klaus knew this from his many days of research in the Baudelaire library. But Klaus soon realized that a library wasn’t a good place to work if the window has been smashed and there was a hurricane approaching. The wind blew colder and colder, and it rained harder and harder, and the room became more and more unpleasant for the two siblings. Sunny had regretted throwing her jacket off to scratch at her hives and she had found a way to snuggle into Klaus’ jacket as he analyzed the note. Sunny watched as her brother took copious notes, stopping every so often to draw a circle around some part of what Josephine had written. It began to thunder outside, and with each roll of thunder the entire house shook, but Klaus kept flipping through the pages and writing things down. Then, as lightning began to flash outside, he stopped and stared at the note for a long time, frowning intently. Finally, he wrote two words at the bottom of Aunt Josephine’s note, concentrating so hard, trying to figure out what exactly those two words meant. He jumped when lightning struck again and Sunny screamed in fear. 

“Bluh scared bluh!” He shrieked. 

“Sorry,” Sunny said curling up closer to her brother. Both children noticed that their tongues were a bit less swollen. “So?”

“There bluh too many grammatical mistakes bluh the bluh,” Klaus said.

“Mortem?” Sunny asked, which meant “It’s a suicide note why are you checking her grammar?”

“I think bluh Josephine left us a message in bluh note,” he said. “Aunt Josephine loved grammar, and she’d never make that many mistakes unless she had a bluh reason. So that’s what I’ve been doing bluh, counting up the grammatical mistakes.”

“Bluh,” Sunny said, which meant, “Please continue, Klaus.”

Klaus wiped a few raindrops off his glasses and looked down at his notes. “Well, we already know that bluh first sentence uses the wrong ‘its’. I think that was to get our attention. But look at the sentence bluhtence. ‘My heart is as cold as Ike and I find life inbearable.’”

“Unbear,” Sunny commented, which meant, “But the correct word is _ unbearable. _We established that already,”

“Bluh I think there’s more. ‘My heart is as cold as Ike’ doesn’t sound right to me. Remember Aunt Josephine told us bluh liked to think of her husband someplace hot.”

“Hot!” Sunny recalled, which meant, “That’s true, she said it right here in this very room. She said Ike liked the sunshine and so she imagined him someplace hot and sunny.”

“So I think Aunt Josephine meant ‘cold as ice’,” Klaus replied. “But that’s not it. She wrote ‘I know _ your _ children’, you and I don’t have any children. I believe she meant to say ‘I know _ you _children’. She added an extra ‘d’ in dowager. She meant to put ‘led’ not ‘leaded’. She misspelled ‘act’.”

“Coik!” Sunny shrieked interrupting her brother, which meant, “thinking about all this is making my head dizzy.”

“I know, Sunny. But there is just bluh more,” he replied holding up two fingers. “She calls Captain Sham ‘an honorable _ men’ _ and thankfully, he is only one person. So she meant to say ‘man’. Then the last sentence, she wrote ‘please think of me kindly even though I’d done this terrible thing’ but according to the _ Handbook for Advanced Apostrophe Us, _ she should have written ‘even though _ I’ve _done this terrible thing.”

“So?” Sunny asked confused. Klaus smiled and showed his sister the two words he had written on the bottom of the note. 

“Curdled Cave,” he said out loud.

“Curdled veek?” she replied, which meant, “Curdled what?”

“If you take all the letters involved in the grammatical mistakes, they spell out ‘Curdled Cave’. She left us a message in her note,” he began. 

“Verba?” sunny asked, which meant “But why would her last words be about some cave?”

“Maybe they’re not her last words. What if she only wants people to think that she’s dead. People who don’t care about grammatical errors.”

“Olaf?” 

“Exactly. What if she’s alive and wants us to know where she’s hiding. Like Curdled Cave. Remember she mentioned it when she talked about knowing everything about the lake. She said it was near the Lavender Lighthouse.” Klaus began.

A great gust of wind interrupted Klaus as it came through the shattered window and shook the library as if it were maracas. Everything rattled wildly around the library as the wind flew through it. Chairs and footstools flipped over and fell to the floor with their legs in the air. The bookshelves rattled so hard that some of the heaviest books in Josephine’s collection spun off into puddles of rainwater on the floor. The Baudelaire orphans jerked violently to the ground as a streak of lightning flashed across the lake. Klaus grabbed on to his sister and tried to stand up. The wind was blowing so hard that the Baudelaires felt as if they were climbing an enormous hill instead of walking to the door of the library. The children were quite out of breath by the time they shut the library door behind them and stood shivering in the hallway.

“We need her books on Lake Lachrymose. But I doubt they’re going to be in there. She said that she hid those books away, remember?”

Sunny nodded her head in agreement. “Where?”

“Well, where would you hide something if you didn’t want to look at it?” 

The Baudelaire siblings fell silent as they thought of places that they had hidden things they did not want to look at, back when they lived with their parents in the Baudelaire home. Klaus remembered a book on the Franco-Prussian war that was so difficult that he had hidden it so as not to be reminded that he wasn’t old enough to read it. Sunny remembered a piece of stone that was too hard for even her sharpest tooth, and how she hid it so her jaw would no longer ache from her many attempts at conquering it. My associate puts anything VFD related in this same spot because she is tired of looking at the items that remind her of a time where she was so blind and naive. Believing VFD was entirely noble, when that couldn't be further from the truth. I, myself, know of a place where I have stored photographs and past research of these two cases because if left out inthe open, I would continue to read it over and over again, which would do me no good. And believe it or not, but my associate, me, and both Baudelaire children thought of the same hiding place they had chosen.

“Under the bed,” Klaus recalled.

“Seeka yit!” Sunny recalled.

They made their way quickly to their guardian’s room. They both looked under her bed and found a plethora of things. There were pots and pans, which she didn’t want to look at because of her irrational fear of stove. There were ugly socks somebody had given her as a gift that were too ugly for human eyes. There was a picture of Ike, which they assumed she placed that under her bed because she was too saddened every time she looked at it. Finally, there was a large stack of books, all but one on the topic of Lake Lachrymose. As Sunny was trying to depict which book would be helpful in figuring out where Curdled Cave was. Klaus’ eyes fixated on a long, black, rectangular book that sat on the very bottom of the stack. The title on its spine intrigued him. _ The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations. _He pushed the other books to the side and grabbed that one. Sunny looked at him confused.

“The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations,” Klaus read aloud to Sunny.

“Idest?” Sunny asks, which meant, “But what does it mean?”

“All the answers are in _ here _, Sunny!” Klaus said happily. “Even if our guardian won’t tell us anything, we can still find out what we’ve been looking for.”

“No time!” she pleaded with her brother. He looked at the book and then at Sunny. He knew deep down that she was right. He placed the book under his knee, determined to get a chance to read it. He quickly read the spines of the other books grabbing the one entitled _ A Lachrymose Atlas. _Using the index he turned to the page that was indicated to be about Curdled Cave. He scanned the page realizing that he remembered what Josephine had said. Curdled Cave was directly across Damocles Dock and just west of the Lavender Lighthouse. 

He picked up Sunny and the large black book. “Let’s go.”

“Where?”

“We’re going to Curdled Cave.”

Sunny looked at him like he was crazy. “Tempestas!” which meant, “A storm is approaching! How are we going to get to Curdled Cave.”

“The Fickle Ferry will take us. The atlas says the ferry goes right to the Lavender Lighthouse.”

Sunny was no longer paying attention to Klaus, but she was paying attention to what was happening outside. “_ Look! _” She screamed as loud as she could so Klaus could hear her over the devilish winds of the hurricane. Klaus looked out the window of Aunt Josephine’s room which looked out onto the hill, both children could see one of the spidery metal stilts that kept Aunt Josephine’s house from falling into the lake. But they could also see that this stilt had been badly damaged by the howling storm. There was a large black burn mark, undoubtedly from lightning, and the wind had bent the stilt into an uneasy curve. As the storm raged around them, the orphans watched the stilt struggle to stay attached. 

“_ Tafca! _ ” Sunny screamed towards her brother. “ _ We have to get out of here _ ** _right now_ **!”

Klaus nodded. He grabbed the black book and his sister, but instead of heading to the front door he was headed towards the library. 

“_ Tafca!” _Sunny yelled angrily. 

“I have to get the note! It’s our only proof!” Klaus cried. 

The winds of the approaching hurricane caused the children to topple to the ground. Klaus fell against the cold radiator banging his knee and foot, while Sunny fell to the ground and rolled into one of Aunt Josephine’s piles of cans banging everything. The whole room seemed to lurch slightly to one side as the children staggered back to their feet. 

“Come on!” Sunny yelled at her brother. He hurried into the library and grabbed the note, folding it into his pocket with his commonplace book and the picture that he took from Josephine’s photo album. He noticed a piece of the ceiling was gone and rain was falling harshly on him. The house began to lurch again, causing him to topple on to the ground again. He held on tight to the black book and shuffled to his feet once more. Sunny crawled towards him. 

“_ Move!” _Sunny shouted and Klaus looked up in time to throw himself back on to the ground in order to avoid an entire door flying towards him. Sunny looked into the small room that was attached to the library with curiosity. Inside she could see photos of fires and an entire investigation board with string and thumbtacks making a web of confusion. “Look!” she yelled to Klaus, who began to slowly crawl to her still holding tightly to his precious black book. Klaus stood up peering into the room. The wind was causing pictures and documents to fly all around the children. Klaus managed to grab a few. He had no time to look at the pictures so he quickly folded them and placed them into his pockets. He walked further into the room, leaving Sunny at the doorway. 

“_ We go!” _She shouted as she felt the entire house shake again. At that very moment, the walls of Ike’s study tore apart and disappeared into the night sky, most likely to eventually fall into the deep, dark depths of Lake Lachrymose. Klaus backed out of the study as he watched the floor to the study fall into the lake. 

Before either Baudelaire could walk away, lightning struck the library’s ceiling causing it to begin to tilt. Klaus, who was standing on Aunt Josephine’s rug, fell to the ground harshly this time dropping the book and began to slide towards the gaping hole that was once the wide window of the library.

“_ Klaus!” _Sunny cried before jumping up and biting as hard as she could to the doorknob. She used her four teeth to hold on for dear life. Hoping that her brother didn’t fall out of the window. 

Klaus held on to the rug and watched as _ The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations _opened up in front of him. He didn’t get much of a chance to see what was inside, but the page that it had opened on was a page about the very spyglass that was in his pocket. He reached out to grab the book, but he watched in horror as the book fell into the lake. He used his feet against the shards that were left in the window frame to stop himself from falling into the lake. The winds of the hurricane pushed the library back to normal. Sunny released her grip on the doorknob, crawling out of the library, but not going very far because she refused to leave her brother. She watched her brother quickly shuffle to his feet and begin to run towards her. 

The house tilted again while Klaus was in a midrun and as the house tilted his footing on the floor became awkward causing him to do a backflip landing on his back harshly. Sunny watched in horror with a pinch of amazement as this happened. Klaus began to slide closer and closer to the gaping hole again. 

_ “Klaus!” _Sunny cried as loud as she could fearing that this was the end of her older brother. She stood there helpless watching the cruel winds of Hurricane Herman begin to throw Josephine’s books towards him. The winds even managed to open Josephine’s safe, sending several photographs from the photo album to fly all around the room. Klaus managed to use his hands on the shards of glass this time, holding on for dear life. Ignoring the pain of the shards cutting his palms slightly. He was too afraid of falling to his death to care about a little pain. Besides he believes he had dealt with worst. As books and pictures flew past him making their way outside into either the night sky or the dark, icy water. One picture landed perfectly against a shard of glass that was in front of his face. He looked down at the picture as lightning struck again. He couldn’t believe his eyes. This photograph depicted his parents standing next to another couple and several other people. It was similar to the picture he had in his pocket. He recognized some of the same people within this picture. Hurriedly, he folded the picture and stuffed it into his pocket for safekeeping. While he was busy doing that, the house began to tilt further, this time flipping him and the rug outside of the window.

“_ Klaus! No!” _Sunny screamed as she began to cry. Klaus held on to the rug for dear life looking down at the dark water. He was glad that the rug had caught on to the shards of glass and was able to keep him up. He breathed in heavily truly believing that this was the end. But with a tiny stroke of luck, a gush of wind sent him flipping back into the house. This time he landed harshly on his stomach. Fighting through the pain, he took this time where the house was standing straight up to run out of the library, grabbing Sunny, who was still crying. 

As he reached the main part of the house with his sister, both children noticed that many objects were flying all around them. Sunny noticed the fridge. “_ Fridge!” _ she yelled, which meant, “Stay away from the fridge…”

“What?” Klaus asked confused.

“_ Pancake! _” She yelled, which probably meant, “If it falls it will crush you flat!” 

Sunny jumped with force from Klaus’ arms, which caused her to land on the ground, rolling left. The force of her jump cause Klaus to fall to the ground and he quickly rolled right. Both children successfully avoiding the fridge as it slid on past them. The wind was causing everything in the house to attack the children. Both Baudelaire orphans had to continue to dodge dishes, furniture and an assortment of knick-knacks. The Baudelaires watched in horror as the stove set itself ablaze and began to slowly inch towards them. Klaus and Sunny looked at one another in complete shock and dismay, Klaus reached out to his sister but couldn’t reach her. The stove fell through the floor and into the lake. 

The stove’s gas line was spewing out fire and wiggling around aimlessly because of the wind, both children prayed that it wasn’t going to set the house on fire. The house tilted again, and Klaus began to slide further and further away from Sunny, who had sunk her teeth into the floorboards in desperation. Sunny looked up in time to see the stove’s gas line spewing its fire directly on one of the glass doorknobs of Aunt Josephine’s house. Klaus looked at Sunny and then at the doorknob which began to change color indicating that it was getting overheated.

“No way!” Klaus yelled.

“Cover!” Sunny advised. Both Baudelaires threw their faces to the ground and covered their eyes with their arms. The howling winds continued on and on, neither Baudelaire dared open their eyes until they believed that their troubles were over. Sunny was the first one to lift up her head as it seemed as though the wind was dying down. She looked around and found that she was relatively safe. She was in the more stable part of Aunt Josephine’s house. She desperately looked around for her brother.

“Klaus!” she called out. “_ Klaus! _” she screamed at the top of her lungs. She couldn’t see him, she couldn’t tell if he was answering her because although the wind died down a bit it was still extremely loud. She didn’t know if her brother could even hear her.

Klaus breathed heavily as he heard a final _CLANG! _As a fire extinguisher landed an inch from his head. He lifted his head to see his current situation and as he looked around, his eyes got wider and wider with fear. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” he shouted as he cautiously stood up.


	35. The One Where the Baudelaires Make It to Curdled Cave

** _Chapter Thirty-Four:_ **

_ The One Where the Baudelaires Make It To Curdled Cave _

Klaus Baudelaire looked around and noticed that he was on a small platform that was detached from the rest of Aunt Josephine’s house. He looked around for his baby sister. “Sunny!” he screamed as loud as he could, hoping to be heard over the wind. He slowly crawled to one of the edges of the platform and looked down into the water. He didn’t see anything that resembled his sister. “ _ Sunny! _ ” he cried.

“Klaus!” a voice called from afar. He looked in each direction until he finally saw that Sunny was safe on the side of Aunt Josephine’s house that seemed more stable. When Klaus had looked into the water for his sister, he noticed that the platform he was on was being held up by several of the spidery wooden stilts. 

Both Baudelaires looked at the massive gap that was between them. Both frowning once they realized that Hurricane Herman had done the worst thing possible. It had separated them. 

“Sunny! Stay back!” Klaus yelled as Sunny crawled closer to the edge. She looked down into the water frowning.

“Jump?” She suggested but Klaus shook his head. 

“There’s no way I’d make it!’ He called out. Tears beginning to form in his eyes. He looked around him. A few objects were still on the platform with him. He saw two fire extinguishers, an anchor, the broken remains of a bookshelf, and what was left of two window frames. He sighed. 

Sunny looked around the area that she was. She had several objects in her arsenal but she didn’t know what could help Klaus. “Ideas?” she called out to Klaus, which meant, “Any ideas?”

Klaus shrugged his shoulders, wiping tears from his cheek. “No. I can’t...I can’t think of anything, Sunny!”

“No deficere!” She yelled, which meant, “Don’t you dare give up!. We’ll think of something! We’ve gotten this far, we can get through  _ this! _ ” 

Klaus just sat defeated on the platform wondering when the wind was going to end his torment. He looked at his sister frowning. He couldn’t leave her. He couldn’t leave her alone with Olaf. He placed a gentle hand on his chest remembering what Olaf did to him and imagining what Olaf would do to Sunny if Klaus wasn’t around to protect her. He didn’t want this to be a reality but he felt like there was nothing he can do to get out of this situation.

He watched his sister pace back and forth, slowly as to not disturb the foundation of her own area. She stopped. Sunny quickly pulled the ribbon out of her hair and began to toy with it in her fingers. Klaus watched as Sunny closed her eyes and began to tie her hair up with the hair ribbon. 

“What are you doing?” Klaus asked confused as to where his sister had learned to tie up her hair all on her own. 

Sunny shrugged her shoulders. “Vi!” Sunny shouted, which probably meant, “Honestly, I’m not sure. I just thought tying my hair up would help me concentrate better!” 

Klaus smiled at his sister’s randomness, but then remembered his current situation. He knew the remainder of Josephine’s house was going to sooner or later fall into the lake. He didn’t want his sister to be a part of that. “Sunny, just...just get out of there. Leave. Go find help!” he called out.

“No!” She yelled. 

“Sunny! Go!” 

“Never!” 

“Sunny! The foundation of Aunt Josephine’s house is going to topple sooner or later, you should just go!” he pleaded with her, tears spilling from his eyes. “Hide from Olaf! He’ll believe we both died!”

“No mort!” she shouted, which meant, “You’re not going to die!”

Klaus shook his head and sighed. Looking over one of the edges again. He wasn’t as optimistic as his baby sister. “Go! Why won’t you go! Save yourself!”

“No!” she yelled back angrily.

“ _ Why!?”  _

“ _ Just us!”  _ She yelled back, which meant, “Because it’s just us now. You and I...I’m not going anywhere. You wouldn’t leave me and I’m not leaving you!”

Klaus just smiled at his baby sister. He understood exactly why she wasn’t going to leave him. She was also absolutely right, he wouldn’t leave her.  _ Ever.  _ He watched as Sunny ripped the ribbon out of her hair again and tried tying her hair up again. She kept her eyes closed until a smile started forming on her face. “Ancoris!” she shouted, which meant, “you need to move that anchor to where you’re sitting now!”

He looked back at the anchor. “What? Why?”

“Beam!” she replied pointing down to the stilt that slightly connected the siblings’ platforms, this meant, “You’re going to use it to break  _ that  _ beam!”

Klaus looked at her with wide eyes. “Are you nuts!? That’s the only thing keeping me up!” 

“I know” Sunny cried out.

Klaus looked at his sister and then the beam again. He didn’t fully understand her logic but she was the one who came up with a plan to get the siblings out of their lunch with Captain Sham. He took a deep breath and went towards the anchor. He used the two fire extinguishers to help him move the anchor to where Sunny had suggested. He looked up at his sister again who gave him a thumbs up.

“Sunny, if this doesn’t end well,” Klaus said as he looked at his sister fearfully. “Just...just know you were the best little sister a kid could ask for. And I love you.” 

Sunny smiled at her brother. “Best bro!” Sunny shouted back. “Love!” this was Sunny’s way of saying, “You’re the best brother I could’ve asked for and I love you, too.” 

“On three!” Klaus shouted as Sunny nodded.

“One!” he called out as he took a deep breath.

“Two!” she called out giving her brother an optimistic smile, although she was terrified.

“Three!” Both Baudelaires shouted simultaneously. As Klaus pushed the anchor off the platform with all his might. The anchor broke the stilt and the platform Klaus stood on began to wobble and tilt. To both children’s horror, it began to tilt backward. Sunny looked fearfully at her brother believing that her idea had backfired. But then with a final crack of one of the other stilts the platform began to tilt forward. Klaus waited until the platform was close enough to the rest of the house before he jumped. Falling on his knees. Sunny rushed to him and hugged her brother tightly. As the platform hit the rest of the house, the foundation that held the house up broke. With a loud creak, Klaus jumped to his feet and picked up his baby sister. Holding her tightly to his chest, he ran out of the house barely making it to the front door, as he and Sunny turned around to watch as Aunt Josephine’s entire house plummeted into Lake Lachrymose, along with all of their belongings. 

Klaus fell to his knees in relief still holding his baby sister as the freezing rain poured down on the children harder. Both children looked at one another, they could tell the other was frightened. But they were relieved that they had escaped. And for that moment in time, that’s all that mattered to the two Baudelaires. As they huddled together, trying to share the warmth of Klaus’ jacket. Klaus and Sunny took a moment to catch their breath and enjoy each other’s company.

I have seen many amazing things in my short but troubled life. My associate has also seen many amazing things in her short and troubled life history. I have seen the burnt remains of a hotel and the inside of a sub-sub-library that holds the world’s greatest secrets and that helped me and my associate with our research. My associate has seen every inch, every corridor of this organization's secret tunnels which lead to some surprising places. But we still cannot imagine what it was like to watch Aunt Josephine’s unstable house topple into Lake Lachrymose. My own research tells me that the children watched in mute amazement as the peeling white door had slammed shut behind them and began to crumble, as you might crumple a piece of paper into a ball. I have been told that the two children hugged each other even more tightly as they heard the rough and ear-splitting noise of their home breaking lose from the side of the hill. But I cannot tell you how it felt to watch the whole building fall down, down, down, and hit the dark and stormy waters of the lake below.

After a minute, Klaus looked at Sunny. “We have to get to the Fickle Ferry,” he said shivering. Sunny nodded her head shivering as well. Klaus opened his jacket to allow his sister to wiggle her way inside. “Don’t worry, Sunny. I’ll share my jacket with you.”

Klaus started walking down the hill towards Damocles Dock praising Sunny nearly the entire way about her two brilliant plans she had. Sunny nodded her head and smiled. She had successfully bought them some time  _ and  _ she had saved Klaus’ life. There wasn’t much more she wanted to accomplish, besides murdering Olaf.

The storm was rising, and the children could tell that the wind and the rain wanted nothing more than to grab them and throw them into the raging waters of Lake Lachrymose. Klaus held his sister close to him from inside his jacket as they walked along the flooding road. Once or twice a car drove by, and the Baudelaires had to scurry into the muddy bushes and hide, in case Captain Sham was coming to retrieve them. When they finally reached Damocles Dock, their teeth were chattering and their bodies were so cold they could scarcely feel their fingers and toes. The sight of the CLOSED sign in the window of the Fickle Ferry ticket booth was just about more than they could stand. You see, during the tourist season at Lake Lachrymose, the Fickle Ferry brings visitors from all over the world to enjoy the sunshine, fresh air, smoked mackerel. The ferry leaves every seventeen minutes to the Lavender Lighthouse, where tourists can walk to Curdled Cave or they could bask in the lighthouse’s pale purple glow. But, unfortunately for the Baudelaires, during the off-season, Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors, which is why the ferry company has added two words to the bottom of their schedule in fine print, a phrase which here means, “you might miss reading it until it was too late.”

“Weather permitting…” Klaus said angrily. Sunny looked up at him.

“Whah?” she asks.

“It means it’s  _ closed! _ ” Klaus cried, his voice rising with despair and in order to be heard over Hurricane Herman. “How will we get to Curdled Cave now?”

“Manere?” Sunny suggested, which meant, “Can we wait ‘til it opens?”

“No, it won’t open until the storm is past,” Klaus pointed out, “and by then Captain Sham will find us and take us far, far away. We have to get to Aunt Josephine as soon as possible. But I am not sure how. We can’t swim there.”

“Entro!” Sunny agreed, which meant, “And we don’t have time to walk around the lake, either.”

Both children looked around looking for any businesses that might be opened. They both jumped when they saw a man in a bright red raincoat with a large pair of sunglasses walking by them. 

“Are you children lost?” the man with a very deep voice asked them. The children could have sworn that they have heard this man’s voice before. He wore a sad, distraught face. 

Klaus looked at Sunny and then at the man. “Yes and no,” he replied. “We were hoping to take the ferry to Curdled Cave but it seems to be closed,”

“Sorry, kids. I just closed. Why would you need to take a ferry in the middle of a hurricane anyway,”

“Subitis!” Sunny chimed in, which meant, “It’s an emergency.” Klaus was quick to translate.

The man stared at the children. “An emergency, you say?”

“Yes. I understand that you just closed and I understand that it is probably a crazy request, but do you think we could get a quick ride to Curdled Cave?” Klaus asked. Both children had their doubts that the man would agree but it didn’t hurt to ask. They’ve had luck with some adults. Both children remembered the strange man, Kronk, from Uncle Monty’s who helped them sneak back into the Reptile Room and who also helped them break into Stephano’s suitcase.

The man sighed, “I don’t know, kids. There are reasons why we close up shop during weather like this,” 

“We understand. But as my sister said before, it’s an emergency.” Klaus said in a pleading voice. “We haven’t any money, but if you did help us with this you’d be helping two very unfortunate orphans with a serious dilemma.” Klaus was trying to use every ounce of sympathy he could garner from this man. Sunny looked up at the man and gave him the world’s cutest puppy dog face. 

The man sighed again, deeper this time. “You know what, I can use some adventure in my life. You kids wait right here. I’ll be right back.” The man said as he disappeared towards the Fickle Ferry.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. “Easy,” Sunny commented, which meant, “That was easier than I thought.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking, Sunny.” Klaus pointed out. “I thought it would take more arguing and persuasion, but he cracked pretty quickly.”

Sunny just shrugged in response, unsure of what to say. Both Baudelaires found it odd that they were able to convince this man to help them that quickly. They didn’t have many adults willing to help them. 

The Baudelaires waited in silence for the man to return. They shivered against each other in the rain. Finally, as the wind and rain began to pick up around the children, the man came back holding a set of keys and a small coat and two raincoats. “Here, kiddo,” the man said, “a passenger today left this here jacket. I thought it’d help so you both can properly keep warm,” he said handing Klaus the infant-sized coat. “I hope it fits,” 

“Thank you, sir, that means a lot,” Klaus said as he helped his sister put the jacket on. It was a tight fit, but that just meant she was snug and warm. The man handed Klaus a blue raincoat and handed Sunny a yellow infant-sized raincoat. 

“There are life jackets on the ferry. I’m ready when you two are,” the man said.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. Usually, the children would be entirely skeptic of this man and his overly friendly and helpful demeanor. But both Baudelaires knew they were on a time crunch. So they followed the man onto the small ferry. He ushered them to follow him to the captain's quarters, which was an enclosed space upon the ferry. Klaus sat Sunny down after putting her into a life jacket. He then quickly put on a life jacket for himself sitting down next to Sunny. Both children watched the man who looked confused and uncomfortable.

“Do you know how to operate this ferry?” Klaus asked after a minute.

“Uh, huh. Yeah. Of course, I do,” the man said, “I...own this ferry company, kid.”

“My name’s Klaus,” Klaus replied, “and this is my baby sister, Sunny.”

“Nice to meet you children.” the man replied shaking Klaus’ hand then turning his attention back to the ferry’s controls. “The name’s Barkin. Steve Barkin.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Steve,” he replied as Sunny nodded. “And thank you again. This means a lot.”

“Well, how else would you have gotten to Curdled Cave?” Steve asked laughing as he finally started up the ferry.

“Furantur,” Sunny commented, which meant, “I would’ve convinced him to steal a sailboat and we would’ve just figured it out from there.” Klaus translated while looking at Sunny like she was fucking crazy.

“We were not going to steal a sailboat!” Klaus corrected, “It’s...a wicked thing to do. Our parents raised us better than that.”

“Moralis,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Not only do we literally want to kill a man, but we broke into his suitcase at Monty’s and you technically assaulted him back at the grocery store. It’s a bit too late to act as though we have the moral high ground, don’t you think Klaus?” Klaus translated for Steve but squinted his eyes at his sister.

“Ignoring the part about wanting to kill Olaf, we  _ had to  _ break into his suitcase at Monty’s!” Klaus said as he looked at Steve. “Look, I promise, we’re not bad kids. We’re just desperate.”

Steve gave him a small frown. “I get it,” he said steering the ferry, “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. No matter how wicked it seems. No matter what the consequences are. Morality isn’t black and white.” 

Klaus frowned. “I guess you’re right,” 

“If it means anything, coming from a complete stranger, you kids seem noble...enough,” Steve said not looking at either child. Klaus watched as the man took a deep breath and focused on his task at hand. The children looked outside the windows of the captain’s quarters as the sky was lit up by lightning bolts flickering. The wind howled all around them and the waters of Lake Lachrymose were rough and choppy. Klaus felt like he was going to get seasick as the ferry bounced up and down passing the smaller waves. It didn’t help that the entire time, Steve was looking as nervous as the children. 

As Hurricane Herman continued to terrorize around them, the orphans sat next to each other with faces of awe and amazement. When Steve turned around to check on the children, if he didn’t know any better, he would have thought their lives were filled with joy and happiness, because even though they were exhausted, damp, and in very great danger, they began to laugh and smile in triumph. They were both so relieved that something had finally gone right that they laughed as if they were at an amusement park instead of in the middle of a lake, in the middle of a hurricane, in the middle of trouble. As the storm wore itself out splashing waves both around and over the sailboat and flashing lightning over their heads, the Baudelaires sat silently in the ferry as they slowly crossed the vast and dark lake. Little could prepare the children for the crossing to Curdled Cave at the hands of an angry and ill-humored lake, as the storm began to pass and the waters slowly calmed. The Baudelaires couldn’t help but feel a small sense of accomplishment, a rare moment of joy in their otherwise woeful lives, they had made it. They had figured a way to get excused from their lunch with Captain Sham, they had managed to decode Aunt Josephine’s note, they had managed to escape Josephine’s house in the midst of a hurricane that seemed as eager as Sham to kill them, and they had successfully managed to convince a helpful stranger to take them across the lake. They made it. Both Baudelaires decided that if their guardian couldn’t rescue them, then they would rescue their guardian. 

Steve dodged the Wicked Whirlpool and noticed that the waves were getting smaller and smaller, he turned to the children. “The storm seems to be calming down,” he said in his deep, bellowing voice.

Klaus stood up and stood near Steve to take a look out of the front windows of the captain’s quarters. “Thank you, again, Steve. You honestly don’t know how much this means to my baby sister and me.”

“I hope everything goes well,” Steve said absentmindedly, “So if you don’t mind my asking, is it really just you two?”

Sunny frowned and looked up at Klaus. Klaus sighed, looking down to the ground. “Yeah. It’s...just us. Our...parents died in a fire not too long ago. We’re trying to find our guardian.”

“And you believe she’s at Curdled Cave?”

Klaus nodded his head. “It’s a long story. I...I rather not talk about it,” 

Steve nodded. He looked over at Sunny, who was looking at the starry night sky. “You know, she’s adorable,” Steve said pointing at the younger Baudelaire, changing the subject.

Klaus, who hated when anyone called his baby sister adorable, felt a bit uneasy after Steve said that but decided to ignore it. They were out in the middle of the lake, even if the stranger wanted to take Sunny where would he go?

Klaus smiled. “She is,” he said chuckling, “You know when she was first born...I didn’t like her at all. I am glad I changed my mind about her, though.” He looked down at Sunny. “She’s all I have left.” He wiped tears from his eyes.

“It’s hard being an older sibling sometimes,” Steve commented.

Klaus’ face lit up and he looked at Steve. “Are you an older sibling?” 

Steve laughed. “Nope. I’m the youngest of three, actually. I have an older brother and sister, they’re twins. Polar opposites.” Steve frowned. He missed his siblings dearly. He remembered his youthful days in VFD alongside Jacques and Kit and he wished those days hadn’t ended but it was too late to fix anything from the past.

“Sometimes, I wish I had an older sibling,” Klaus said as Steve made an ‘Oh the Things I Could Tell You That Would Shatter Your World’ face. Klaus didn’t see this obvious face, which was perfectly fine with Steve. He wouldn’t be able to backtrack and explain why he had made such a face. And there was no way that he was going to tell the Baudelaires about Violet before he told Violet about the Baudelaires. “Then I wouldn’t have to worry about Sunny so much.”

“Hey!” Sunny said looking up at her brother. “Coetus!” she shrieked, which meant, “You don’t have to worry for me. This is a  _ group effort, bro. _ ” 

“No offense, Sunny,” Klaus said laughing.

“Taken!” Sunny said rolling her eyes at her brother.

Steve frowned. “Maybe things will get better and you won’t have to worry so much,” 

Both Klaus and Sunny snickered at this thinking about Count Olaf and how obsessed and unhinged he was about getting his hands on the Baudelaire fortune. He had kidnapped Sunny in hopes of making Klaus complacent to his abusive ways for the next six years of their lives. He had killed Uncle Monty and then he tried to make Aunt Josephine end her own life. With  _ this  _ level of obsession, both Baudelaire orphans felt like he would never stop. 

Klaus looked up at the kind stranger. “What about you?” He asked after staring at Steve for a minute trying his best to form his question.

“What about me?” Steve asked as he continued to steer the ferry across Lake Lachrymose. He was happy to see that Hurricane Herman was over. Now he and the kids were in no danger at all.

“Did your siblings ever screw up so bad that it...ruined you?” Klaus asked in more of a whisper hoping Sunny couldn’t hear him.

“‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra just for you.” Steve recited in a hoarse whisper, closing his eyes immediately thinking of his daughter and even thinking about the Baudelaires, who his actions were heavily affecting. 

Klaus looked curiously at the man. “Wait...I think...I know that poem. My father used to recite it to me...except he would blur out the cuss words.” 

“Huh? Oh, sorry. It’s a favorite of mine.” Steve said quickly. 

Steve finally looked at him and frowned. “But to answer your question,” he said desperately changing the subject, “No…In all honesty, I’d say  _ I  _ messed up so bad,  _ I ruined them. _ ” The truth hurt him to admit but he knew that admitting it would make Klaus feel better. He hated that the kid was doubtful about whether or not he was a good older brother. “But...I understand your stress, Klaus.”

“How so?”

“Well in a way, having a younger sister is slightly like having a daughter,” Steve explained. “You battle the world to keep the evil out and to keep her free from your own demons and your pain. No matter what the cost.”

“I guess if you look at the two like that, they are slightly similar,” Klaus said taking in the words Steve spoke.

Steve looked towards Klaus, who was still frowning. Steve could tell he wasn’t convinced. “If you care to take a random stranger’s opinion,” Steve said after a moment. “I think you’re doing a good job. Your parents would be proud of you.” His voice was sincere but hesitant as he said the last sentence.

Klaus stared from Steve to Sunny, who had fallen asleep with her head on an extra life jacket. He smiled. He didn’t truly take Steve’s words fully to heart because to Klaus, he was just a kind stranger who had argued to help them whom he just met barely an hour ago. But it was a truly kind thing to say even if Klaus believed at the time that the man who introduced himself as Steve Barkin, had never met his parents. It made him feel like a lot of weight had been taken off his shoulders even if it was just for a moment and even if Olaf still posed as a threat.

“Thanks, Steve,” Klaus said finally. “That means a lot, you can’t imagine how much that means. And for what it’s worth, maybe your siblings aren’t screwed up because of you...maybe it was because of horrible circumstances that no one could fix nor see coming. I know it’s not much coming from me, some unfortunate, strange orphan but…”

Steve smiled. “No...that means more than you could ever imagine.”

Steve smiled on the outside but he felt shattered on the inside. Had Klaus known more about his own mother’s past, he’d know the man standing near him was, in fact, the one to blame for fucking up more than just his own sibling’s lives. His actions had not only cost VFD’s schism to grow more and more, but it altered the course of many people’s lives. Including the Baudelaire’s parents, who were not innocent in this entire ordeal. He knew he couldn’t explain this to Klaus or Sunny Baudelaire, because then they might not want his help. They might not want him near them. They might even see him as vile and despicable as Olaf. There wasn’t anything that he could say that wouldn’t be admitting to these children that his decisions eventually caused their parents’ deaths. In a sick way of looking at things, He felt as though  _ he  _ had orphaned the Baudelaires. He might not have set the blaze that engulfed the Baudelaire mansion. But he did push the domino that caused this horrible fate. Steve decided to be silent the rest of the way to Curdled Cave, afraid that if he spoke to either child anymore then he’d break down crying and say too much. 

Through my research I can tell you that after a dreadful night at the opera and the theft of an object, that you would think wouldn't cause as much trouble as it truly did, ‘Steve’ spent most of his life in a melancholy, distraught state. He was wracked with guilt and heartbreak. Although no amount of research could answer hypothetical questions pertaining to the plethora of ‘what ifs’ of the world. I can say with the utmost confidence that ‘Steve’ may not have survived through this long, seemingly never-ending depression spell if it weren’t for the only source of light in his life. Which was obviously his daughter, Violet, whom my research shows was doing a bit of research of her own. 

Steve and Klaus noticed a faint, pale purple light shining through the windows at the same time. “Lavender Lighthouse!” they both cheered simultaneously. Klaus smiled knowing their destination was close by. But Steve smiled for a different reason, although he didn’t care for the shade of lavender, the faint purple light reminded him of his daughter. He missed her. There wasn’t a minute where he didn’t think about her and regret the lies he would tell her. 

“Lake Lachrymose...is actually really pretty,” Klaus commented. 

“It sure is, kid.” Steve agreed as he looked for the mouth of the cave. Steve turned the wheel of the ferry into the direction of the cave. He stopped quickly when he noticed that the bottom of the ferry was hitting rocks. “Well, I guess we’re here.”

Klaus picked up Sunny, who opened her eyes slowly. “Sunny, we’re here,” Klaus whispered as he grabbed the extra life jacket. “Would I be able to take this for my guardian?”

Steve nodded. “Oh, and don’t worry bout the jacket. If the owner comes back for it, I’ll just buy the kid a new one. Sunny, here, might need it. Just cause the storm broke doesn’t mean it’s not chilly out.”

“Thank you,” Klaus said.

“Tanks!” Sunny shrieked smiling at Steve.

“You got it from here?” Steve asked peering outside, noticing that there was a decent sized sailboat. Obviously, it was Josephine’s.

“Yeah, we should be. The storm is over. So sailing back shouldn’t be an issue.” Klaus said.

Steve nodded patting Klaus softly on the back. “Stay safe, kid.” 

“We will,” Klaus said. “If we see you later in town. I can have my guardian pay you for your troubles…”

“No need,” Steve said. “I volunteered to help you.”

“Thanks again, Steve,” he replied as he turned to leave. Sunny waved goodbye to the helpful stranger as she held on to the extra life jacket for Aunt Josephine. Both Baudelaires felt a weird sense of dread as they walked away from the helpful stranger. They didn’t understand why they were feeling this way.

As he and Sunny disembarked from the Fickle Ferry, Steve frowned. He continued to wave to them until they were at the end of the cave’s mouth where it was more sand than rocks. Klaus and Sunny turned around one last time to wave to him, as he steered away from the children, he too, had a sense of dread. Part of him thought it would be better to stay here to make sure everything went swimmingly. But Olaf was nowhere around. There was no need to wait around and see how the story played out. Besides he had to get this ferry back to the Damocles Dock before anyone realizes that he stole it. He was still very surprised that he knew how to operate the ferry. He hoped that this would be the last time he had to intervene in the children’s lives. He hoped Josephine could keep them safe. He wasn’t sure why she was at Curdled Cave during Hurricane Herman, but he remembered Josephine Anwhistle as a fierce and formidable woman, she’d have to be to  _ sail across the lake during a hurricane.  _ He thought. He laughed to himself, he and Beatrice used to do insane things in their youth but if anyone ever gave them a run for their money, it would have been Josephine and Ike Anwhistle. 

He crossed the lake hoping that everything was going to be fine. Next on his agenda was to go help Larry and make sure Olaf didn’t murder him too. Then he’d leave and head back to the city. Where he can hopefully get back to his research pertaining to the Baudelaire fire. 


	36. The One When Violet Gets Closer to the Truth

** _Chapter Thirty-Five_ **

_ The One When Violet Gets Closer to the Truth _

Violet wasn’t one who necessarily hated being alone. She worked better in a quiet area, but that didn’t mean that she was happy whenever her father left for long periods of time. Growing up with Lemony, Violet learned at an early age to be skeptical about everyone and everything. She learned that it was better to hide in plain sight then make yourself noticeable. She knew her father had the skills to achieve maximum security and stealth, but she was unusually worried now. Which was probably because she recently learned that her father had enemies. Enemies who would want to hurt him. Who wants to even  _ kill  _ him. Violet frowned. She should’ve asked Jacquelyn to elaborate on that more, but she was more focused on learning about her birth mother and this cult that her parents were apart of. 

She paced silently around the small apartment that she currently called home. She glanced at the backpacks by the door. The last time that they had to relocate in a hurry was when Violet was only eight years old. Sure, they had relocated several times since then, seeing that she was now fourteen and they never stayed too long in the same place in fear of being recognized. But Violet remembered  _ this  _ time in particular because it was one of the scariest days of her life.

When Violet Snicket was eight years old, she had learned that the fair was in town and she begged and begged and begged her father to take her for days. She would beg him non-stop to the point where she was driving her father insane. For a while, he kept declining trying to explain to her that because of his circumstances that it was too dangerous. But, like a stubborn eight-year-old, Violet did not care. She wanted to go to the fair. So eventually after pleading, begging, and even negotiating (she told him that this could be her birthday present for the next five years, which he chuckled at) Lemony finally caved. 

At that age, Violet may not have understood why her daddy kept changing how he looks but she was used to it. She knew that every time they went outside, her father would be in some kind of weird costume and sometimes she’d be in one, too. But that was rare. 

On the day in question, Violet was overly excited about the prospect of going to the fair that she didn’t pay attention to anything, even what her father looked like that day. 

The first few hours at the fair went by smoothly. Lemony had nothing to worry about, although that didn’t stop him from worrying. He tried his best to have fun and to make this enjoyable for his daughter. He went on some of the rides with her, ones that he knew wouldn’t ruin his disguise. He bought her all sorts of goodies and treats. In a way, he was overcompensating for never allowing Violet to have a true childhood. The whole day he spent wondering how her life would be had she still been in her mother’s care. Finally, closer to when the sun was setting, Violet wanted to go into the funhouse with all the silly mirrors. Lemony wasn’t too keen on this, but after her relentless begging he gave in. Violet was overly excited that she began to run ahead of her father, ignoring him calling her by her alias ‘Katherine’. 

Violet entered the house of mirrors still not noticing that her father wasn’t behind her. She was laughing and running, happily bumping into mirrors and other children trying to find her way out. This was the first time in a while that Violet felt like she was free to be a child. To experience fun and happiness instead of being stuck mainly in their home and waiting for an errand to run. She got to be silly, she was allowed to be spontaneous, she was finally able to let out some of that hidden energy. Eventually, she found her way out, she noticed the sun was nearly almost entirely gone. She looked behind her realizing that her father hadn’t been behind her as she previously thought. She began to turn around in every direction trying to find her father. But she couldn’t see anyone that resembled him. But then it dawned on her, she didn’t remember what he looked like this time. She started breathing heavy. Looking around through the faces in the crowds. Scary looking adults and unfriendly looking children all around her. It was her worst nightmare. 

“Dad!” she cried as loud as she could over all the noise that a fair produces. She slammed her hands on her ears.  _ It’s too loud  _ she thought. She pulled her ribbon out of her hair and began to twist it in her fingers as she began to shake. The familiar feel of her ribbon was comforting even if it wasn’t solving any of her problems. She started to walk around the fair looking for people who could help her. 

Her father always warned her not to talk to strangers. He explained to her the many dangers of what could happen if she were to.  _ But who am I going to get to help me if I can’t talk to anyone?  _ She thought as she started to breathe heavily. 

She decided that she was going to look for the friendliest face in a crowd.  _ Nice people don’t hurt children.  _ She thought to herself as she continued to call out for her father. Her voice breaking with each unanswered call. 

“ _ Dad!”  _ she cried out as she bumped into a little girl with triangular glasses hard enough that the other girl fell to the ground. The little girl, who appeared to be only slightly older than Violet, looked up at Violet and smiled. Violet blushed and looked at the girl. “I’m sorry.”

An older boy, who looked like a teenager to Violet, but he could’ve been a young adult went running towards the little girl with the triangle glasses. His sudden movements freaked Violet out. She began to shake harder where she stood. “Fiona!” he yelled as he helped her up. “Are you okay?”

Fiona nodded. Violet looked at the older boy with a remorseful face. “I-I’m sorry...I was looking for my father and...and...I…”

“Hey, hey...it’s all good,” the young man replied in a softer, kinder tone realizing that he was scaring the little girl. He began looking over Fiona making sure she wasn’t hurt. “Accidents happen.”

Violet nodded slightly but her face never changed. Her eyes began to water. She just wanted to go home. She wanted her father. She didn’t care about going to the fair anymore. It was getting dark and she was getting scared.

The young man knelt down to Violet’s level and gave her a small smile. “Hey, my name’s Fernald. What’s yours?”

“K-Katherine…” she replied remembering the name her father told her to use today. 

“Hi, Katherine,” Fiona said smiling shaking Violet’s hand. Violet smiled. She was glad there was another little girl with her.  _ Surely, he can’t be a child hurter if he has his daughter with him.  _ She thought. She began to ease up a little.

“Did you say you lost your father?” Fernald asked as Violet nodded. “Where did you see him last?”

“B-before I went in the mirror house,” she replied in a meek voice as she began to play with her ribbon between her fingers again.

“Nice ribbon,” Fiona said pointing at Violet’s blue ribbon.

“Nice glasses,” Violet replied pointing at Fiona’s glasses.

Fernald laughed. “Come on, I’ll help you find your father,” he said. 

Violet gave him a suspicious glance. “Are you a child hurter?” she asked after a moment. “My father says I shouldn’t go with strangers ‘cause they could be child hurters.” 

Fernald laughed and smiled down at Violet. “Well, Katherine, your father sounds like a smart man.”

Violet glared at him. “You didn’t answer my question,”

“No. I’m not a child hurter,” 

Violet looked to him and then to Fiona. “Come on, Kat. My brother and I will help you find your father.” 

Violet looked at Fiona slightly confused. She could have sworn that Fernald was Fiona’s father because he was so much older than her. Violet shrugged her shoulders. She didn’t have siblings, so she didn’t really understand what the rules were about the age differences. Fiona took Violet’s hand and Fernald took Fiona’s free hand and the three began to walk around the fair calling out for Violet’s father.

“Dashiell!” Fernald yelled as loud as he can, using the name that Violet had given him. She was glad she remembered his fake name because she had no idea what he looked like right now. But she knew that when she heard him speak, she’d be able to recognize him. 

“Aye!” a loud booming voice yelled from behind Fernald and the two children. Violet watched as Fernald rolled his eyes before turning around. “Fernald! Aye! My boy! You got a recruit!” 

Violet looked up at Fernald with a terrified expression. She wasn’t absolutely positive what ‘recruit’ meant but she definitely didn’t like being called one especially by some stranger.

“No. No. Back off.” Fernald said trying to walk passed his stepfather.

“Aye! What are ye’ talking about?” the man yelled excitedly. 

“Stepfather, Katherine is lost,” Fiona said innocently not understand what her stepfather was saying.

“Even better! Aye!” the man said smiling down at Violet. Violet clutched Fiona’s hand tighter and began to whimper.

“I told you, we are here so that Fiona can have a  _ normal  _ day of fun, like most kids. What part did you not understand?” Fernald hissed towards his stepfather. “I knew I should have never let her convince me to bring you.”

“Aye! Fairs are great places to find new recruits!” 

“She’s not a recruit! She’s a lost child!” Fernald said rolling his eyes again.

Violet watched as Fiona frowned. She could tell the girl did not like watching her stepfather and brother fight. 

“Aye! But the organization! Aye! She’s just the right age!” 

Fernald glared at his stepfather. “First off, no. I’m taking her to either the authorities or her father. Simple as that. Secondly, do you really want to k-nap a child in front of your own stepdaughter?!” he asked in a harsh whisper trying to not use words that would scare Violet any further.

“It’s not kidnapping! Aye! It’s recruitment! Aye! Now stop scaring the poor thing!” 

“I’m not scaring her, you are! With your fucking organization nonsense.” Fernald said pushing passed his stepfather. “Come on, girls. Let’s keep looking for Katherine’s father.” As they walked Violet felt another hand grab her arm and yank her the other way. She yelped and began to cry.

Fernald growled under his breath and turned to his stepfather. “Let the kid go. I’m not going to kidnap someone else’s child for this fucking organization.”

“Aye! Then I will!” 

“You will not! How would you feel if someone tried to do this to Fiona?”

His stepfather looked at him confused. “Why would someone recruit her? Aye! She’s already been recruited!? Aye! Wake up me boy!” 

Fernald looked at his stepfather with deep surprise unsure of what to say. Violet looked around trying to get someone to notice her struggling. She liked Fiona and Fernald better when their stepfather wasn’t around.

He was holding her tightly. She started calling for her dad again with tears in her eyes. She looked up at the two men who were arguing. She looked at Fiona who was staring at the ground looking around for any fungus or mushrooms pointing out from the Earth because she’d rather not listen to yet another fight between her older brother and their stepfather. The argument began to get heated when Fernald pushed his stepfather back and without thinking, the man let go of Violet’s arm to push his stepson. Violet took this opportunity to run waving goodbye to Fiona and Fernald. Fernald sighed as he held his stepfather back.

“If she gets kidnapped by someone else, that’s on  _ you. _ ” Fernald hissed watching as Violet got lost in a crowd once again. “You couldn’t just let me make sure she returned to her father.”

“Aye! If she gets kidnapped that’ll be blood on  _ your hands _ . Aye! She would’ve been safe in the organization! Aye!” 

Fernald rolled his eyes at his stepfather believing that VFD was safe. He used to believe that when he was Fiona’s age, but as he grew older he realized that VFD was anything but safe. He knew what Gregor Anwhistle was cultivating in that grotto. He knew what VFD had planned and none of it was safe. If VFD continued to go the way that they are, the world would most definitely not be ‘safe’ or ‘quiet’.

Violet started running and crying. “Mr. Lemons!” she yelled not caring about calling her father by his disguised name. “I wanna go home!” She ran behind one of the attractions where it was a bit quieter and sat down as she began to cry. She was shaken up. She was nearly kidnapped. She was almost recruited. She didn’t understand what that meant but it was scary. It had to be scary the way Fernald was completely against it. She curled up in a ball on the ground and started bawling. She was terrified. She was overwhelmed. This was the longest she had been without her father in a public place. 

She sat there and cried for several minutes watching as passersby completely ignored her. She was too scared to talk to another stranger, seeing what happened with the last one. Suddenly, Violet felt a cold aura around her. She couldn’t explain it but the air around her became chilling...it became menacing. She began to tremble and look around her when she saw an older woman in the shadows. Violet stood up quickly.

“Hello, little girl. Why are you crying?” the woman asked in a chilling voice. 

“I...I...wanna go home,” Violet cried. “But I can’t find my father.”

“Ah,” the woman said. “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion,”

Violet looked at the woman confused. She didn’t understand what she meant by that. Obviously, if you see a young child crying then it must be a sad occasion.

“Why don’t I take you to find him?” the woman offered. Holding out her hand for Violet to grab.

Violet shook her head. This woman gave her the creeps. “N-no thank you,” 

“Come, dear child,” the woman said stepping closer to Violet. 

“I gotta go,” Violet said as she tried to run before bumping into a man with a beard but no hair, who shared that same aura with the woman. He looked down at her and smiled before grabbing her arm. Violet began to struggle in the man’s grip. “No! Let me go!” she cried

“She’ll be a nice little recruit,” the man said looking down at Violet. Violet trembled from that word again. “Who should we give her to?”

The woman rolled her eyes, “Do you think little Olaf can handle recruitment?”

The man shook his head. “Doubtful. That idiot is useless.”

“What about the city’s sixth most important financial adviser?”

The man shook his head, “Again, very doubtful. With that goodie-goodie husband of hers. Why did she marry that buffoon anyway?”

“The tunnel,” the woman pointed out.

“Ah, yes.  _ That  _ tunnel. That will be useful later.” the man replied as Violet struggled and starting hitting him with her fists. The man noticed something around her neck shining slightly in the lights of the fair’s attraction. “What’s that?” he asked letting her arm go to try to grab her locket. 

Violet quickly dodged him and ran back into the fair’s common ground. Screaming for her father or for anyone to help her. She was trembling and crying. She just wanted to go home. Finally, she heard her actual name being called within the crowd. “ _ Violet!”  _ the voice called with a sense of urgency. She could tell by the voice that the person calling her name had been crying and sounded as desperate as she was.

“ _ Mr. Lemons!”  _ she yelled as loud as she could. Before she realized what was happening her father picked her up and held her as tight as he could. Violet hugged him back closing her eyes. Allowing herself to calm her breathing. 

“Violet,” her father said again holding her even tighter. Violet was too busy crying on her father’s shoulder to notice what he was looking at. He noticed two figures watching him from the darker side of the carnival. His heart sank into his chest as his blood began to boil, they were eyeing Violet.  _ No! Never! Neither side is ever going to take her from me!  _ He thought to himself as he immediately recognized the two figures. He was hoping that they couldn’t recognize him in his disguise. 

“Come on, we’re gonna go home,” he said quickly as he began to walk incredibly fast. Violet didn’t protest to this, she wanted to go home. She didn’t want to leave her father’s side in public ever again. As he walked out of the fair as quickly as his legs could carry him and his daughter, he asked Violet what had happened and she began crying again fearing that she was in trouble. After having to continuously reassure her that he was not mad at her and she was not in trouble, she explained to him about the figures she met today. How both encounters someone had said the word ‘recruit’ when describing her. All of this information made Lemony’s heart sink deeper into his chest. When the two of them got home, he rushed her to pack her suitcase and grab her backpack. She asked him why but he never gave her a straight answer. Violet had feared that that was  _ her  _ fault, so she began apologizing to her father. 

Once they were packed and back in the car. He explained to her that they would have to relocate for a while. Violet apologized again. He tried to explain to her that this wasn’t her fault. He should have been watching her better. He should have never allowed her out of his sight. He reassured her that he would never allow anyone to hurt her  _ ever.  _ Violet believed him then but doubted it now. Violet remembered that they drove to a faraway town where the sea had been drained and it was empty. They hid out there for a couple of months, rarely ever going outside because as her father put it, too many people would recognize him here. Eventually, he decided to move back into the city on the other side of town.

Before the meeting with Jacquelyn, Violet had always thought that that was a day where she was nearly kidnapped twice. Nothing more, nothing less. But after the revelations that Jacquelyn had bestowed upon her, she was starting to think that there was more to it. A much more sinister plot. Violet remembered that day pretty well, it was a traumatic event for her after all. But she was positive that no one knew of her identity or her father’s. So why were people trying to ‘recruit’ her?  _ Does this organization kidnap random children?  _ She asked herself as she opened her commonplace book and wrote that question. There was no way her father would kidnap children. That just doesn’t sound like him. She remembered the older boy who had refused to ‘recruit’ her...he seemed to be in the organization but not down for kidnapping a young child around his sister’s age. Violet continued pacing trying to piece these puzzle pieces together. Had she nearly been indicted into an organization twice in the same day? Or was it possible that she was only nearly kidnapped? 

She froze and stopped pacing when a sudden, darker realization dawned on her.  _ What if those were her father’s enemies trying to recruit her?  _ She shuddered. 

This organization was a problem even back then, six years ago. But six years ago, she was positive that her father was not involved in this organization whatsoever. He did his investigative work, but that was to keep food on the table. So if he wasn’t involved with it six years ago cause he knew it was dangerous. Why was he involved with it now? She looked to his investigation board.  _ Were these children the reason he got back into the organization?  _ She pondered. The puzzle pieces seemed to fit but she couldn’t be so sure. She couldn’t rely solely on assumptions. She needed facts. She needed evidence. She now knew that the organization apparently kidnaps children so why wouldn’t it make sense that maybe her father was trying to stop them from kidnapping these children.  _ But what was so special about these kids?  _

She looked back at her father’s desk drawer. She knew that more of her answers were in that drawer. She sat down at his desk and opened the drawer, happy that her father hadn’t relocked it because she wasn’t in the mood to make another lockpick. She flipped through the documents that laid in it skimming through most of the documents until her eyes fixated on a piece of sheet music. She pulled a couple of pieces of paper out of the drawer, her eyes getting wider as she realized her eyes hadn’t deceived her. It read exactly what she thought it read.  _ The Snicket Lad?  _ She asked herself. She read the title over and over again. It indeed said ‘Snicket’.  _ Why was there a song about….her father?  _ She looked curiously at the pieces of sheet music. ‘Lad’ usually was referring to males...so it couldn’t be about her. Could it? 

Violet began to hum it. She wasn’t an expert on reading sheet music but the way it sounded in her head, it reminded her of her least favorite song, which was ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat’. Violet flipped the pieces of paper over and read the notes that had been scrawled on it.  _ ‘P.S. the musical score that you enclosed is completely incorrect, the tune appears to be the well-known hymn of a naval disaster. If possible, I will record the correct music and send you a copy on cassette’ _ . The note had read. She stared at the handwriting, it wasn’t her father’s but it did seem somewhat familiar.  _ Had her mother written this?  _ She pondered as she flipped the pieces of paper over again. She was slightly relieved that this didn’t go to the tune of that annoying little song, but she wanted to know the significance of the song. 

As she read the lyrics, her eyes began to widen more than ever before. ‘ _ And then they took him, yeah they took him. Took him far away. They took him in the dead of night beneath a moon of grey...They took him from the kitchen like you’d take a midnight snack. The V.F.D. they took him and never brought him back.”  _ Violet shuddered as she read those lyrics. What did it mean by they took him?  _ What’s VFD? Was that the organization? Or the enemies?  _ She asked. She wondered what VFD could stand for. 

“What the…” she said to herself as she reread the chorus for the umpteenth time. She thought of her father. Was he the Snicket Lad?  _ No...that’s...that’s crazy. Why would he… _ Violet thought. But then it hit her. VFD must be the organization in question. The song clearly states they took him. They  _ kidnapped  _ this Snicket Lad. She reread the first verse again. She didn’t know the names of any of her grandparents. The name Jake didn’t sound familiar. She was confused about why a secret organization would write a song about one of their crimes. It seems kind of counterproductive to Violet.  _ You get away with kidnapping a child and you write a song about it? This cult doesn’t make any damn sense.  _

She read on,  _ Both of his siblings?  _ This song was creeping Violet out entirely. She knew her dad had only two siblings. The bad driver and the cow. She had never met either of them, but now she wondered if they were involved with this VFD shit, too.  _ Well, if that were the case wouldn’t it be Snicket Lads...or Snicket Kids…  _ Why was the song fixated on only one of them? ‘ _ But someone else was watching o’er the little Snicket lad’  _ she hummed and shuddered again. 

_ What the actual fuck...this shit is creepy beyond all belief.  _ She thought to herself. She looked around the small area that she was in.  _ Was somebody watching her?  _ She took a deep breath.  _ Catch a grip, Vi. You’re becoming paranoid. No one’s watching you... _ she tried to tell herself but she couldn’t help but feel someone was now watching her and had been for years. Maybe since the fair incident.  _ No. Six years is a long time to wait.  _

_ What if this was the reason why her father was happy to be proclaimed dead or on the run.  _ Violet thought. She was slowly realizing that her father had sinister reasons for never trying to clear his name or prove to the world that he was alive. But it didn’t make any sense to Violet. Jacquelyn said he had recently rejoined the organization, but if he determined to stay hidden allowing them to think he’s dead or that he is a criminal...why would he rejoin the very thing that he was hiding from? She sighed. As usual, the evidence that she finds is making it much harder to understand anything at all. Adding more questions instead of answering them. 

‘ _ They came in through the windows, not the door which was the fad, and a long black car was parked outside for the little Snicket lad.’  _ she read. She was starting to believe that her father or maybe even her uncle, she wasn’t sure at this point, was kidnapped by this VFD. Whatever the fuck they were. They sounded pretty creepy.

‘ _ When we grab you by the ankles, where our mark is to be made, you’ll soon be doing noble work, although you won’t be paid. When we drive away in secret, you’ll be a volunteer…”  _ Violet gasped.  _ There’s that fucking word again. ‘So don’t scream when we take you...the world is quiet here.’  _

“What the fuck,” Violet said under her breath as she reread the last two stanzas.  _ My father was kidnapped by a cult...or he’s in a cult…  _ she thought. She rubbed her temples feeling the start of a migraine. She didn’t understand what it meant by ‘when we grab you by the ankles where our mark is to be made’. To Violet, it sounded like VFD brands their members, like a cult.  _ But you don’t brand humans… you…  _ Violet tried to think if her father had any tattoos. Tattoos were a form of branding and that’s the only thing she could think of. But she didn’t think her father had any tattoos. She closed her eyes and tried to remember if she had ever seen his ankles. Her mind was drawing blanks. She wrote that down in her commonplace book. She was going to somehow check her father’s ankles when she gets the chance. She sat there in silence, with a mixture of confusion and horror.  _ If VFD had kidnapped her father and he somehow escaped their grasps...what has him going back?  _

She sat at his desk and just allowed her thoughts to linger. With every new question she had, she quickly wrote it down. It seemed to Violet every time she found a new puzzle piece it only seemed to make the overall puzzle bigger and more confusing. She knew eventually the pieces of the puzzle that she finds will start filling in the blanks and answering her questions. But for right now, all it was doing was creating more confusion about her father. 

In the back of her mind, she didn’t know what to trust anymore. On one hand, she was sure that her father was a  _ victim  _ of this cult...but as her mind began to darken as it tried to think of every possible explanation to her circumstances. She dismissed the crazier theories immediately. Like the one, she felt terrible about even slightly acknowledging as a possibility was the theory that maybe her father wasn’t even her father and just some VFD member who has kidnapped her and recruited her. She knew deep down in her heart that this was not a possibility because she may look like her mother but there was a resemblance to her father. A big resemblance. Her eyes for instance. The other fact that debunks this horrid theory was that, again, she recalls the time when she was just eight years old when she was almost kidnapped and recruited, twice in the same day. If her father was someone who had kidnapped her, why would the organization feel the need to kidnap her again? 

She placed her forehead in the palm of her hands and sighed. Her migraine was worsening the more she tried to make sense of any of this VFD shit. But she knew she was on a time crunch. She needed to learn as much as she can before she eventually lost her cool and snapped at her father demanding answers. She could feel in her heart that that was getting closer and closer because she was getting angrier and angrier with each passing lie. 

Violet quickly put the sheet music back where she had found it. She was done investigating for the night. Her head was hurting and she was emotionally exhausted. She could sense her answers were on the horizon, she just didn’t know when she’d be able to finally have them. 


	37. The One When the Lachrymose Leeches Attack

** _Chapter Thirty-Six:_ **

_ The One When the Lachrymose Leeches Attack _

Lemony raced to the Anxious Clown ready for confrontation. If worst came to be, he was going to kill Olaf. He had hoped that Olaf didn’t murder Larry. He honestly did not want another death on his hands. When he turned the corner, he was surprised to see Larry standing outside of the restaurant, he was unharmed for the most part.

“He’s after the Baudelaires,” Larry stated urgently. “I tried to stop him...tried to keep him here longer but it was no use.”

“Your efforts are acknowledged. But there is no need to worry, Larry. They’re good, they’re with Josephine.” 

“But Josephine is dead,” Larry said looking at Lemony confused.

“What? What do you mean she’s dead. I just took them to her,” 

“What do you mean what do I mean?” Larry asked. “How did you take them to her, she’s dead! Did you see her?”

“Well, no. But the children were so sure that she was at Curdled Cave! How do you know that she’s dead?”

“That’s what Olaf said. He said Josephine threw herself out the window. I assumed that isn’t the _ entire _truth, seeing that it is more logical to believe that Olaf threw her out the window…” Larry began.

“When does Olaf tell the fucking truth!?” 

“Well, how are you so sure she’s alive if you didn’t even see her.”

“The kids are sure of it!”

“They’re children, Lemony.”

“No, you don’t know these children like I do! They’re intelligent. They’re resourceful.”

“They might just be overly hopeful, Lemony.”

“No...Larry, you don’t get it. She’s alive.”

Larry sighed. “We can only hope. But I have my doubts. Olaf did kill Monty, I wouldn’t put it past him to kill Josephine.”

“Maybe...maybe Josephine was resourceful like the Baudelaires,” Lemony said desperately. “Larry, you can’t sit here and tell me that I left those two children out on Lake Lachrymose at some cave for nothing!” 

“I’m not saying it’s for nothing. I’m just relaying the message. Olaf was so confident when he said Josephine was dead but the kids did seem to be in a rush.”

“Should I go back?” Lemony asked looking out at the lake from where he stood. 

“You do what _you _think is best..." Larry replied, "But if Josephine is alive and they’re with her, they’ll be fine. She’s one of the most fierce and formidable members of our organization...well behind one other person.” 

“Who?”

“You,” Larry said patting Lemony on the back. “You haven’t lost a beat. You have Kit’s reckless nature but Jacques’ determination.”

Lemony smiled at that. “Thanks,” he sighed. “Do you know where he went?”

Larry shrugged his shoulders. “He and the incompetent banker left to Josephine’s house.”

Lemony nodded. “Then hopefully, the kids will be fine.”

He was debating on whether or not to go back onto the lake to help the Baudelaires. He felt guilty for leaving them at Curdled Cave.

__________________________________________________

Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire stood silently at the mouth of Curdled Cave. Klaus looked over at a For Sale sign that stood crooked at the mouth of the cave. 

“Curdled cave is for sale…” Klaus commented.

“Vivet?” Sunny asked her brother, which meant, “Who would want to live in such a phantasmagorical place?” 

Before Klaus could answer his sister, they could hear a weird sound that sounded like a mix between a wail and a screech. Sunny looked up at her brother. 

“Tumultum,” Sunny asked, which meant, “What is that sound?” 

“J-just the wind probably. I read that when wind passes through small spaces, like caves, it can make strange noises. It’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“Timere,” Sunny replied, meaning, “I’m afraid of it anyway,”

Klaus looked down at his baby sister in his arms, “Me, too.” he admitted.chuckling softly.

He began to walk into the cave cautiously, the screeching wail getting louder and louder as they entered the cave. Klaus saw a figure sitting on one of the rocks. “Aunt Josephine?” he called out. 

The figure wailed so loud that it shocked both Baudelaires. Klaus gave wide eyes as Sunny gave Josephine a ‘What The Fuck’ face. “Are you…” Klaus began as Josephine screeched. “...ohhhh kay?” he asked looking at his guardian.

“You figured it out! I knew you could figure it out!” She yelled running to Klaus and Sunny, hugging them tightly in her arms. She looked at the two siblings and the children looked at her and found themselves with tears in their own eyes as they greeted their guardian. It was as if they had not quite believed that Aunt Josephine’s death was fake until they had seen her alive with their own eyes. “You two decoded my message!” 

“Fecit Klaus,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Klaus really did it,”

Klaus smiled as he translated for Sunny, he looked down at his sister, “Don’t be modest,” Klaus said to her and turned to Josephine. “Sunny figured out how to get out of brunch with Sham. Without Sunny, I wouldn’t have had the time to decode the message.”

“Well, I am so glad to see both of you,” Josephine said releasing the children from her grasp. “Just let me catch my breath and I’ll help you bring in your things.”

The Baudelaires looked at one another. “What things?” Klaus asked confused.

“Your luggage, of course,” Josephine said not noticing the children’s confused expressions. “Oh, I hope you brought food. I’m out.”

“We didn’t bring any food.” 

Josephine looked at the children in disbelief. “No food? How in the world did you expect to live with me in this cave if you didn’t bring any food?”

“We didn’t come here to live with you,” Klaus said annoyed.

“Then why did you come?”

“Stim!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Because we were worried about you!”

“Whatever word that was, Sunny, it was grammatically incorrect. But maybe your brother will explain in correct English why you’re here.”

“Because Captain Sham almost had us in his fucking clutches!” Klaus yelled. “Everyone thought you were dead, and in your will and testament, you wrote that we should be placed in the care of that bastard!”

“He forced me to do that! We were only halfway through our fried-egg sandwiches when Captain Sham told me that he was really Count Olaf. He said I had to write out a will saying you children would be left in his care or he would drown me in the lake. I was so frightened that I agreed immediately…”

“You agreed _ immediately!?” _Klaus asked angrily, interrupting Josephine.

“But... I hid a secret message that I hope you children would find. Of course, then I knew my life was truly in danger. I waited for my opportunity and faked my own death.”

Both children could not believe their ears.

“Aban!” Sunny shrieked, which meant, “So you fucking abandoned us!” Klaus was quick to translate for her. 

“Why didn’t you take us with you? Why did you leave us all alone by ourselves? Why didn’t you protect us from Count Olaf?” Klaus asked his voice breaking. “_ Do you understand what that man is capable of and what he plans to do to me and my sister!? _”

“Oh, Klaus, it is not grammatically correct to say “leave us all alone by ourselves”. You can say “leave us all alone’ or “leave us by ourselves’ but not both. Do you understand.”

Klaus rolled his eyes at Josephine's complete lack of caring about the well being of the Baudelaires. Sunny yelled, “Deus!” which meant, “For the love of God, we don’t give a shit about grammar!” Klaus translated for his sister. He was equally annoyed with their guardian.

“That wasn’t grammatically correct either, but we’ll say no more about it. We have all had a very trying day, but I don’t think Captain Sham will ever find us here. We can share Curdled Cave for the rest of our lives.”

“What?” Klaus replied. “We’re not staying here! We’re taking your sailboat back to town and you’re coming with us.”

“No way, José,” Josephine replied shaking her head. “I am too frightened of Count Olaf to face him!”

“But...if you tell Mr. Poe what happened, then Count Olaf will be locked away and we’ll be safe. All of us.” 

“You can tell him that if you want. I am staying here.”

“He won’t believe us unless you come along and prove you’re alive.”

“No, no, no. It’s much too dangerous.”

“_ Dangerous!?” _Klaus yelled. “You are our guardian! You’re supposed to take care of us!”

“No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I am too afraid.”

“Omnes!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Tough shit, we’re all afraid!” Klaus translated for his sister and then looked at Josephine.

“Sunny’s right. We’re all afraid! We were afraid when we bumped into Olaf at the store. We were afraid when we thought you had jumped out of your window. We were afraid to give ourselves allergic reactions. We were afraid to trust a stranger and cross Lake Lachrymose in the middle of a hurricane. But that didn’t stop us!” 

“I can’t help it if you are braver than I am. I can’t do it. I am going to live here for the rest of my life and there is nothing you can stay that will change my mind!” Josephine replied stomping her right foot on the ground as if to say that her word was final. 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. Klaus formed a smirk on his face and then wiped the raindrops from his glasses in a similar fashion as the windshield wipers of an automobile wipes the windshield clean. “You know Curdled Cave is for sale,” Klaus said nonchalantly.

“So what?” Josephine replied turning her back towards the children.

“Well, that just means that before long, certain people are going to want to look at it.” Klaus began as he walked slowly towards their guardian. “And some of those people,” he got as close to Josephine as he could. “Will be realtors,” he whispered. 

Josephine’s eyes went wide with fear, she turned towards the Baudelaires. “Okay, let’s go.” 

Klaus smiled to himself seeing that he had successfully convinced his guardian to leave the cave. 

Josephine took the life jacket from the Baudelaires and followed Klaus and Sunny on to her sailboat. The lake was calm, Hurricane Herman had passed and the Baudelaires stupidly believed that everything was going to be okay. They were irritated by the fact that Josephine kept crying out ‘oh no’ and ‘uh-oh’ every minute, it was truly getting on the children’s nerves. Klaus and Sunny manned the sailboat by themselves wondering how in the world Josephine even got to Curdled Cave in the first place. Klaus remembered books that he had read on sailing and instructed Sunny on how to move the tiller as he manned the sail and kept them on course to Damocles Dock. 

“Uh-oh,” Josephine had repeated. 

“Shush!” Sunny yelled rolling her eyes.

“Oh no,’ Josephine whined anxiously.

Klaus sighed but moved closer to Josephine in the small sailboat. “Aunt Josephine, please stop saying that. Hurricane Herman is over, the sailboat is working perfectly and we’ll be back to Damocles Dock by morning.”

“Safe!” Sunny yelled.

“Maybe...maybe...you could think back to a time when you were a little more fierce and formidable,” Klaus suggested as he took the two photographs out of his pocket.

Josephine gasped as her eyes got wide. She snatched both pictures right out of Klaus’ hands. “Where did you find these?”

“In the library,”

“I haven’t seen either of these photographs in years,” Josephine commented with a nostalgic smile plastered on her face. “Lucky Smells Lumbermill! Ah, it’s not far from here,” she commented as she pointed at the most familiar face in the picture. “Oh, look at Ike! Look how handsome he looks in that hat.”

Klaus gave a low chuckle as Josephine rambled on. “Oh, and look at Monty!”

“And our parents,” Klaus commented pointing at his parents standing front and center in the Lucky Smells photograph. 

“And your parents...such brave and noble people,” Josephine sighed. “Oh, how I miss them dearly.”

“We miss them, too,” Klaus said looking to Sunny, who nodded as she manned the tiller. “But we have questions about them. They never told us about you. They never told us about Uncle Monty. I have a feeling there’s a lot of things they never told us about. Like why Olaf is in _ this _picture, seemingly pals with them.” He said pointing to the other picture that had several young adults sitting on a couple of stairs holding spyglasses.

“Your parents, Baudelaires, wanted to raise you in a quiet world, far away from the fiery injustices that were threatening all of us. They were trying to keep you safe.”

“It didn’t work…” Klaus muttered.

“No...unfortunately, it didn’t,” Josephine commented. “There was a time when Olaf _ was _a...better...man. Things happened...that altered his life and...he merely acted out, at first. Then his behavior became much, much worse. Now, don’t dare think I am excusing his actions because I am not, children. It’s just he used to be like Ike and I...like your parents…”

“Factom?” Sunny asked, which meant, “What happened?” Klaus translated for his sister.

“...It’s really not my place to say, children,” Josephine said handing Klaus back the two pictures.

Klaus rolled his eyes and quickly took the pictures back, folding them into his pocket. He took out the pictures he was able to retrieve from Ike’s room. Being able to look at them for the first time. He was amazed to see that there were pictures of different fires. “What are all these?” 

Josephine’s eyes went wide. “Where...where did you children find these?”

“In Ike’s room,” 

“The fires…” she whispered.

“Why was he investigating fires?” Klaus asked.

“We all were...Uncle Monty, Count Olaf, the Snicket siblings, Ike and me....” she began.

“Our parents?” 

“They were two of our most fierce and formidable volunteers…” Josephine began.

“Volunteers?” Klaus asked looking at Sunny, who was staring at Josephine in utter confusion. 

“Club?” Sunny asked.

She sighed. “Children, there are good people in this world and bad people. The ones who start the fires and the ones who put them out…”

“Who’s doing this?” Klaus asked. “Is it Olaf?”

“I’ve said too much already,” Josephine said shaking her head fiercely. “Your parents probably had the answer to that and look what happened to them!” 

“Aunt Josephine! We demand answers!” Klaus yelled. 

Josephine sighed. “There are some things better left unsaid, Baudelaires. Not long after those photographs were taken, your parents and two of the Snicket siblings had to make a vastly frightening decision. I remember that day so well, Klaus. Your mother had just wrestled one of our enemies to the ground when she turned to me and said--uh-oh”

“What?” Sunny asked. 

“Uh-oh! And I mean it this time!”

“What’s wrong?” Klaus asked slightly worried. 

“We are now entering the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches!” Josephine whined. “Oh, my poor Ike! He always loved shredded beef tamales, and they ended up sealing his doom!” 

Both children rolled their eyes. “Aunt Josephine, focus! What did she say?”

“Oh! We should have never left that cave! It’s not too late to turn around now and I will just take my chance with the realtors…”

“Josephine!” Klaus yelled angrily. “What did our mother say!?”

In the calmest tone that the Baudelaires ever heard from her, she looked out at the water of Lake Lachrymose and without even blinking, she said, “_ We’re going to die, _”

Klaus looked at her with wide eyes. “What?”

“_ It’s the leeches!” _She screeched, pointing out at the water.

“I-I’m sure we’ll be alright. You said that the leeches were usually harmless.”

“Unless you have recently eaten!” Josephine corrected.

“Well, it’s a good thing none of us have eaten in a while. The last thing Sunny and I had were those peppermints at the Anxious Clown. That was brunch, and it’s almost morning now.” Klaus replied studdering from both his fear and how cold he was.

Sunny glared at Josephine, who was trying to stay silent but she could tell the infant was staring daggers her way. “Banana,” Josephine replied.

Klaus’ eyes got even wider, but the only part of his face that showed fear was his eyes. The rest of his face showed pure anger as he stared at his guardian. “You didn’t eat anything recently, right, Josephine?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“I ate a banana just before you arrived,” 

“Uh-oh,” Sunny said looking at Klaus.

Klaus sighed trying his best to remain calm and level headed. “I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. Leeches are very small creatures. If we were in the water, we might have reason to fear, but I doubt they’d attack a sailboat. Besides Hurricane Herman might have even scared them a bit.” Klaus looked down into the waters of Lake Lachrymose and gave a low chuckle. “Uh-oh,” he said nervously, still studdering over his words and anxiously looking around to see the leeches. 

Out of the swirling blackness came, skinny, rising shapes, barely visible in the moonlight. The shapes were scarcely longer than a finger, and at first, it looked as if someone were swimming in the lake and drumming their fingers on the surface of the water. But most people only have ten fingers, and in the few minutes that followed, there were hundreds of these tiny shapes, wriggling hungrily from all sides toward the sailboat. The Lachrymose Leeches made a quiet, whispering sound on the water as they swam as if the Baudelaire orphans were surrounded by people murmuring terrible secrets. The children looked at one another, both trying their best to stay calm for their sibling. The children watched in silence as the swarm approached the boat, each leech knocking very lightly against the wood. The water bubbled all around them.

“You see,” Klaus said nervously, as the tapping of leech-mouths continued. “We’re perfectly safe.” 

“Leave!” Sunny said nervously, which meant, “See...they’re leaving.”

The leeches were, in fact, swimming away from the boat. But to the Baudelaires’ horror, the leeches made their way back to the sailboat much harder and much faster than before. Determined to knock the three passengers out of the sailboat. The tapping continued, getting more and more rough and loud. Everyone onboard the sailboat was quite anxious to see what would happen when frustration brought out the worst in the leeches. The leeches continued to swim away and swim back to the sailboat with all their might. With loud _ thwack!s _, causing the sailboat to rock precariously, a word which here means, “in a way which almost threw Aunt Josephine and the Baudelaire youngsters to their doom.”

“Whoa!” Klaus shouted holding on to the edge of the boat. Sunny crawled cautiously over to her brother. As Josephine started to scream.

“Yadec!” Sunny shrieked and pointed at the said of the boat. Even if ‘Yadec’ wasn’t proper English, even Aunt Josephine understood what the younger Baudelaire orphan meant, which was, “Look at the crack in the boat that the leeches have made!” 

“We’re going to need to sail much, much faster or this boat will be in pieces in no time,” Klaus said to Josephine. Who just stood there screaming and panicking.

“We’re doomed!” Josephine yelled. “There’s a crack in the boat!”

Klaus handed Sunny to Josephine so his baby sister wouldn’t be in too much danger. “We’re sinking...we’re sinking...we’re sinking.” She chanted holding Sunny close.

“_ Aunt Josephine that’s not fucking helping!” _Klaus shouted as he stood up.

Klaus looked around in dismay. “Sails rely on wind but we can’t make the wind go any faster,” he said more or less to himself trying to think out an idea.

“I’m frightened!” Josephine cried looking at Klaus. “_ Please _don’t throw me overboard!”

“No one is going to throw you overboard!” Klaus yelled impatiently.

“Ironiam?” sunny asked, which meant, “Dramatic irony?”

“Take an oar, Josephine!” Klaus yelled handing her one of the two small oars that he found in the sailboat. 

The leeches continued screeching, which cause Josephine to continue to wail as loud as she could. Klaus watched as several leeches had hit hard enough to break through the wood in the sailboat. During the leeches attempt to either flip over the sailboat or destroy the sailboat, one of the leeches was thrown over the side in the impact and twisted this way and that on the floor of the boat, gnashing its tiny teeth as it looked for food. Grimacing, Klaus walked cautiously over to it and tried to kick the leech overboard, but it clung onto his shoe and began gnawing through the leather. With a cry of fear and disgust, Klaus shook his leg and the leech fell to the floor of the sailboat again, stretching its tiny neck and opening and shutting its mouth. Klaus grabbed the oar he was trying to use to row and scooped up the leech and tossed the demonic beast overboard. He began trying to row with one oar as Josephine held the oar tightly to her and Sunny.

“Aunt Josephine! Help me!” Klaus cried. 

To his horror leeches were not only eating his oar but they were crawling on it trying to make their way to him. He threw what was left of the oar into the water. “Well, rowing isn’t going to work.”

“No auxilium!” Sunny shouted pointing down at the puddle of water on the sailboat’s floor, this meant, “Rowing isn’t going to help anyway. This boat is sinking!” 

“We need help,” Klaus whimpered unsure of what to do. He grabbed a small bucket that was laying within the sailboat and started to scoop the water out of the boat. “How are we going to get help in the middle of a lake so soon after a hurricane!?”

“Steve?” Sunny asked remembering the Ferry operator who had helped the kids to get to Curdled Cave.

Klaus stood up looking around for Steve’s boat. “It’s too dark! I can’t see anything!” 

The leeches continued screeching and thwacking the boat with all their might. “We need a signal...something! Anything!” Klaus shouted but Josephine was too busy freaking out to help him think. 

Klaus closed his eyes. “That’s right, darling! Close your eyes! That’s what I do when I’m afraid!” Aunt Josephine yelled in Klaus' direction as Sunny rolled her eyes.

“I’m not blocking out anything! I’m concentrating!” Klaus shouted crossly at their guardians as he bailed out more water from the boat. “Well, at least I am _ trying _to!” 

“Pyro!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Fire!”

“What?” Klaus asked not understanding his sister.

“Arson!” Sunny said, which meant, “We need to start a fire! We need light!”

“Won’t that get us in more danger?” Klaus asked as the leeches hit the boat again.

“Aladdin,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Do you trust me?” 

Klaus sighed heavily but nodded his head. “It’ll be hard to start a fire! Everything here is…” He began as he heard the terrifying noise of the boat creaking and Josephine screaming. “...wet from the storm.”

“No,” Sunny said pointing at Aunt Josephine’s scarf.

Klaus ran up to Josephine. “Aunt Josephine I need your scarf and your oar,” 

“You can have the oar, but you can’t have my scarf!”

“Josephine!” he hissed.

“No! I need it more, I need it to protect my neck!”

“I don’t have time to fucking argue you with you! I’m trying to save each of our lives!” Klaus yelled angrily.

“The expression is ‘saving all of our lives’ not ‘saving each of our…” Josephine began as Sunny roughly pulled the scarf off her neck, causing Josephine to scream in terror. Sunny handed the scarf to Klaus and looked at Josephine. “Sit!” She yelled at her. 

“Oh my God. Oh! Oh!” Josephine cried.

Klaus looked at the scarf trying to figure out how he was going to light a fire, he knew he couldn’t use friction, seeing that that requires technique, patience, and dry conditions. _ There’s always something. _He told himself and immediately he got an idea when the lavender lighthouse shined its light on his face. 

“The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light…” he muttered to himself, as he hopped up on one of the seats as a leech tried to bite his knee. 

“What?” Sunny asked.

“You know when horrible people use a magnifying glass to burn ants?”

“Olaf used to do that,” Josephine commented.

“Of course he did,” Klaus said rolling his eyes. “The point is, theoretically, if I can catch enough light from the lighthouse beam…” he sighed. “But that seems unlikely.”

“Tentant,” Sunny reassured, this meant, “Just try your best.”

“It doesn’t matter if I try my best. What matters is what happens.”

Klaus quickly took off his glasses trying to maneuver the beam of the lighthouse to properly help him. He tried and tried, turning himself in each direction to create new angles. He looked up at Aunt Josephine and his terrified baby sister and felt hope leak out of his heart as quickly as water was leaking into their boat. “It’s not working,” he said miserably and felt tears roll down his cheeks. He thought of the promise he made to his parents, shortly before they were killed, that he would always take care of Sunny. The leeches swarmed around the sinking boat, and Klaus feared that he had not lived up to his promise. During their latest unfortunate episode, it had been _ Sunny _ who came up with each idea and saved _ him. _ Now, the one time where Sunny couldn’t physically help their situation, he realized in horror that he couldn’t either. He looked at the depths of Lake Lachrymose, imagining how Ike must have felt when he died. Klaus feared that soon both Baudelaires and Aunt Josephine would suffer the same fate. A fate he believed would be a very unpleasant way to go. “It’s not working…we need a fire and I can’t make one…” 

Sunny gave him a small smile. “Tintet,” she replied, which meant, “It’s okay, don’t cry...you tried your best...we’ll think of something.” but Klaus cried anyway. 

It is very easy to say that the important thing is to try your best, but if you are in real danger like the Baudelaires found themselves in, the most important thing is not trying your best, but getting to safety. The boat rocked back and forth and water poured through the cracks, and Klaus cried because it looked like they would never get to safety. His shoulders shaking with sobs as he began to break down. “The angle’s wrong. The light just needs to refract off of something else to reach us.”

“Nada,” Sunny chimed in miserably, which meant, “There is nothing else.”

Klaus nodded miserably. “We’re all alone,” He rested his hands in his pockets, and his fingers touched something cold. Quickly he pulled out the spyglass. He took off his glasses again, this time using both the spyglass and his glasses, he pointed both lenses towards the oar that he had tied Josephine’s scarf too. 

Klaus used the spyglass to catch the flickering reflection of the lighthouse’s beam. He quickly tilted both the spyglass and his glasses at an angle he hastily computed in his head. The beam of the lighthouse passed through the lenses of both his glasses and spyglass and was concentrated into a long, thin band of light. And within a moment the thread had become a small frame. 

“It’s miraculous!” he shrieked happily.

“It’s unbelievable!” Josephine remarked.

“Fonti!” Sunny shrieked. 

He put his glasses back on as he began to step carefully to avoid onboard leeches and so as not to put out the fire, he moved to the front of the boat. With one hand, he held his make shift torch up, making a bright light so someone can know where they were, as he used one of his feet to kick the bucket to create noise. He used his free hand to look around the dark lake with the spyglass. He finally noticed a boat, it was too dark to see entirely but he can see a small light that was attached to it. “I see a boat!” he yelled.

All three passengers began to shout and call out to the boat. 

“Steve?” Sunny asked Klaus.

“I...I can’t tell, it’s too dark. But I assume so.” Klaus said.

Both Baudelaires began yelling for their strange ‘friend’. “Steve!” Sunny shouted as loud as she could watching as five more leeches made their way into their boat.

“_ Steve!” _ Klaus cried desperately flailing his hands. “ _ Steve! Over here! Steve help us! Please!” _

The boat continued to slowly creep closer to the children’s wrecked sailboat.

Klaus’ signal had worked. But it was a mixed blessing, a phrase which here means, “something half good and half bad.” Somebody saw the signal almost immediately, somebody who was already sailing in the lake, and who headed towards the children in an instant. Both Baudelaires hoped and prayed that it was Steve Barkin, the kind Ferry operator who had offered to take the Baudelaires to Curdled Cave in the midst of Hurricane Herman. 

Klaus, Sunny, and Aunt Josephine all grinned as they saw another boat sail into view. “Steve!” Sunny shouted again happily.

“Oh! Steve, you are a lifesaver!” Klaus shouted happily.

But there was no answer.

“Steve!?” Klaus shouted as he dropped the torch into the water, feeling relieved that they were saved. “Steve! You don’t know how thankful I am! You got here just in time!”

“Steve?” Sunny called out as the boat neared them a little bit more. They were still unable to see clearly due to how dark it was. 

“Steve?” Klaus called out to the boat’s operator, his smile began to slowly fade away.


	38. The One When Josephine Hands Over the Baudelaires

** _Chapter Thirty-Seven:_ **

_ The One When Josephine Hands Over the Baudelaires _

“Steve!” Klaus called out again, his smile fading fast.

As I am sure you remember, I had said that the approaching boat was a mixed blessing. Because on the one hand, the Baudelaires _ were _ being rescued, which was the good half. But they had mistakenly believed that it was Steve Barkin that was rescuing them. But as the boat drew closer and closer, they saw who was sailing it. As unpleasant as Lachrymose leeches can be, there was something far more unpleasant arriving out of the fog. Aunt Josephine and the two Baudelaire orphans saw the wooden peg leg, the navy-blue sailor cap, and the eye patch, and they knew immediately who was coming to their aid. It was Captain Sham, of course, and he was probably the _ worst half in the world. _

Captain Sham glared at Klaus with a wicked grin. “Hello, hello, hello. I’ve missed you guys. Looks like you could use a little assistance.” 

Klaus glared at Sham, “You’re gonna need assistance when we get back to town! Aunt Josephine’s gonna tell everyone what happened!” 

Captain Sham gave an exaggerated face showing fake worry and surprise. “Oh dear, then I’ll be arrested and sent to jail, and you’ll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian. Spending your time solving the mysteries that surround you and reading your pathetic books and sharpening your little piranha teeth. And bravery and nobility will prevail at last. And this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony. And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like a Disney fairytale. _ A Happy Ending! _Is that what you had in mind?” Sham asked smirking at the two Baudelaires. “Awww, the naivety of being a child.”

“Fuck you!” Klaus shouted.

Sham looked down at the Baudelaire’s boat and then looked at Aunt Josephine. “You know, parenting these two brats is exhausting. They're always running away and rescuing each other and now they're making me sail around this godforsaken lake searching for them...it’s no wonder why you _abandoned_ them. They’re such a handful.” 

“You’re not our parent and you _ never _will be!” Klaus yelled.

Sham smirked at Klaus and Sunny, “Oh, on the contrary, Mr. Poe is putting the finishing touches on your adoption papers this very moment. By morning you will be Klaus and Sunny Sham.”

“Neihab!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “My name is Sunny Baudelaire and I will always be Sunny Baudelaire unless I decide for myself to change my name!” 

Before Klaus could translate for his sister, the boat rocked again. Sham smirked happily holding out a hand for Klaus to grab. “Would you like some assistance, orphan?”

“Fuck you!” Klaus yelled looking down at the slowly sinking boat and then at Captain Sham, he wasn’t sure which fate he preferred.

“Leech!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “I’ll take my chances with the leeches, thank you very much!” Klaus translated for her.

Sham shrugged his shoulders. “Suit yourselves.” He said grinning at the Baudelaires. “You know I thought you had been killed when the old lady’s house fell off the hill, I was so heartbroken. I was devastated that I didn’t at least get to watch you brats die. So this suits me just fine.” The boat rocked again, causing Josephine to scream. “And _ you _, Josephine, I thought you’d done the sensible thing and jumped out of the window.”

“I tried to do the sensible thing,” Josephine said sourly, “But these children came and got me!” 

Klaus and Sunny glared at Josephine. “We needed to get you!” Klaus yelled. “To prove to Mr. Poe that you forced Aunt Josephine to write that note! And once we do, Mr. Poe will tear those adoption papers into a thousand pieces!”

Sunny facepalmed realizing that her brother hadn’t learned his lesson about oversharing with Count Olaf. “But who is Mr. Poe going to believe? Two runaway pip-squeaks or the owner of a respectable lakeside rental agency?”

“He’ll believe Aunt Josephine, dumbass!” 

Captain Sham looked towards Aunt Josephine with a smile that made both Baudelaires’ skin crawl. “I hardly think that anybody is going to believe a _ dead woman _.” 

“Are you blind in _ both _eyes?” Klaus cried. “Aunt Josephine isn’t dead!”

“She’s not dead, _ yet, _” Sham replied in a terrible voice smirking at Josephine.

Klaus stepped in front of Aunt Josephine worriedly looking in the leech-infested water of lake Lachrymose. He frowned realizing that their best option might actually be getting on Sham’s sailboat. “You’re not going to touch Aunt Josephine! She’s going to tell everyone what happened.”

“Is the little bratty orphan telling the truth, Josephine? Were you going to betray me?”

The boat rocked again and lowered slightly into the water. Klaus looked down worriedly and then back at Sham who simply smirked. Josephine stood up quickly, further shaking the boat and slightly pushed Klaus aside as she addressed Captain Sham. “Oh no, no never. I...I...just told the children that so they’d stop pestering me,” she cried, her eyes were wide with panic. “Don’t throw me overboard, _ please! _” She pleaded.

“So you’re not going to reveal my plan to Mr. Poe?” He asked her in a chilling tone. “Because you will be joining your beloved Ike at the bottom of the lake!” 

“No, she won’t!” Klaus yelled.

“I promise not to say _ anything _ to Mr. Poe!” Josephine cried desperately. “I won’t tell _ anybody anything! I promise! _ I’ll go someplace and hide away, and never show my face again! I’ll dye my hair! I’ll wear colored contacts! I’ll change my hairstyle! You can tell him I’m dead!”

Both Baudelaires looked at their guardian in disbelief. “_ You can have the fortune! Here!” _ Josephine pleaded as she handed Sunny to Captain Sham. “ ** _You can have the children!_ ** _ Just don’t throw me to the leeches!” _

Sham took Sunny from Josephine and smirked at Klaus. Before Sham could do anything terrible, Klaus, with rage in his eyes pushed passed Josephine and hurriedly hopped onto Sham’s sailboat. “_ WHAT THE FUCK, AUNT JOSEPHINE! _” He yelled as he roughly ripped Sunny from Sham’s grasp.

“Welcome aboard!” Sham said chuckling. “Hot potato!” he said as he released his grip on Sunny allowing Klaus to take her. He grinned wickedly at the Baudelaires, “Well, aren’t you going to say thank you, orphans? If it weren’t for me, all of you would be divided up into the stomachs of those leeches,” he said pointing at the swarm of leeches still trying to get at Aunt Josephine. 

“_ If it weren’t for you,” _ Klaus cried fiercely, “ _ we wouldn’t be in Lake Lachrymose in the fucking first place!” _Sunny nodded her head in agreement.

“You can blame _ that _ on the old woman,” he said pointing at Josephine. “Faking your own death was pretty clever, but not clever enough. The Baudelaire fortune--and, unfortunately, the brats who come with it--now belong to _ me! _” 

“Props!” Sunny shrieked, which meant, “Don’t be ridiculous! We don’t belong to you and we never will.” As Klaus translated for his sister, the sailboat that Josephine stood in shook again and she reached out and grabbed Captain Sham’s hands. Surprisingly he held her hands, helping her keep her balance.

“See! Yes! _ They’re yours! The Baudelaire children and their fortune are yours! I won’t say a word! _” Josephine pleaded as Sham expertly steered his sailboat so it was alongside the one Aunt Josephine stood in. 

The children couldn’t believe their ears. They both looked at their guardian in horror. “You’re supposed to be caring for us!” Klaus cried in astonishment, “not putting us up for grabs!”

Josephine ignored Klaus, giving pleading eyes to Sham. Captain Sham paused and seemed to consider Aunt Josephine’s offer. “You have a point,” he said chillingly. “I don’t necessarily have to kill you. People just have to _ think _that you’re dead.”

“Exactly!” Josephine pleaded, trying to get herself on Sham’s boat, but Sham didn’t move out of her way to allow her entry. “You can take the children and...and...do whatever you want to them! I’ll move far, far away. Nobody will ever hear from me _ ever _!” She pleaded.

“But what about us, Aunt Josephine!?” Klaus cried holding his sister tightly starting to cry. He began to slightly shake in horror. Their guardian was giving them to this vile man, only worried about herself. “_ But what about us!?” _

“Quiet, child. The adults are talking.” Sham said smirking at Josephine. “I suppose I don’t have to kill you,” he said soothingly to Josephine.

“No...no you don’t,” Josephine whimpered as the sailboat rocked again. 

“On the other hand, with that little stunt of yours at the window, you hadn’t been a very trustworthy person. But…” Sham began.

“Haven’t,” Josephine corrected.

“What?” Sham asked annoyed.

“You said ‘hadn’t’. That’s bad grammar. You should’ve said, ‘you haven’t been a very trustworthy person.’’ Josephine explained.

Sham held Josephine’s hands tighter as he smiled down at her with a terrible smile. “Thank you for pointing that out,” he said then smirking at the Baudelaires. “Now, let me make sure I completely understand the grammatical lesson,” he said to the Baudelaire’s trembling guardian. “You wouldn’t say ‘Josephine Anwhistle _ had _ been thrown overboard to the leeches,’ because that would be incorrect. But if you said, ‘Josephine Anwhistle _ has _been thrown overboard to the leeches,’ that would be alright with you.”

“Yes,” Josephine replied. “I mean _ no, _ I mean--”

At this point, Sham gently pushed away from Josephine but still held onto her arms. 

“Aunt Josephine!” Klaus yelled panicked realizing at once what Captain Sham was doing.

“Aunt Jo!” Sunny yelled reaching out for her guardian. 

The Baudelaires may have been pissed and saddened by Josephine willingly giving them away to Captain Sham but they still didn’t want her to die.

“No...no...no...no...no…” Klaus said trying to push passed Sham in order to reach Josephine but Sham wouldn’t let him. He put Sunny down safely on the floor of the boat desperately trying to reach for Josephine. “_ Aunt Josephine! _ ” he cried desperately. “ _ You can’t do this! _” 

Captain Sham ignored Klaus, still holding onto Josephine’s arms as his sailboat moved away from her. The Baudelaires watched in horror as the leeches hit Josephine’s sailboat again, causing her to rock back and forth. She began screaming and pleading with Captain sham. “Please…please...I...I gave you the children!” she pleaded. “I gave you the children...you take the children and let me live..._ that was the deal! _”

“Aunt Josephine!” Klaus yelled reaching his short arms out to grab her. 

Captain Sham smiled a cruel smile at Josephine as he let go of her arms, leaving her stranded in the sinking sailboat. 

“Aunt Jo!” Sunny cried. 

“Jump!” Klaus called out to her. “Aunt Josephine! Jump!” 

Captain Sham began hitting the edge of his sailboat mockingly. “Jump! Jump! Aunt Josephine! Jump!” he mimicked the cries of the elder Baudelaire as Josephine looked at them with pure terror on her face. “Come on Aunt Josephine! You can do it! Jump!” he said as he began laughing cruelly.

“_ Aunt Josephine!” _Klaus cried desperately reaching his arms out as far as he could. 

“Reach! Reach Josephine! Grab onto the boy’s hand! Pull him in, too. For all I care!” Captain Sham said continuing to laugh as his sailboat drifted further and further from hers. Josephine sat down in the sinking sailboat, giving up. 

“Sorry!” She yelled.

Both Baudelaires were unsure who she was apologizing to. They had hoped that she was apologizing for handing them over to this terrible man that stood in the same boat as them, but both Baudelaires knew in their hearts that it was more likely that she was apologizing to Olaf for correcting his grammar in a last-ditch effort to change his mind about her fate. But either way, he didn’t. The children also didn’t feel as though she deserved to be forgiven. 

The fog of Lake Lachrymose blocked their view from Josephine for the most part but as the Baudelaires slowly sailed away from their guardian, they heard a gurgly _ whoosh! _ As Josephine's sailboat was overwhelmed with water and quickly sank into the depths of Lake Lachrymose. The children then heard a big splash as she fell into the waters of the lake.

“_ Aunt Josephine! No!” _Klaus cried trying one last time to reach out for his guardian. But he knew that this attempt was futile. He could hear the leeches swarming around her. He heard several of Josephine’s terrified screams. ‘Aunt Josephine,” he whimpered out of breath as Sunny began to cry.

Captain Sham shrugged his shoulders. “Well, we’ve done all we can do.”

Klaus turned to Captain Sham. “_ You fiend!” _ he shouted at the vile man. “ _ You evil fiend! _” 

“That’s no way to talk to your father,” Captain Sham said calmly.

“_ YOU ARE NOT OUR FATHER! _” Klaus yelled as loud as he could. Pure unbridled anger pulsing through his veins. He glared at Captain Sham, his face going dark. Even Sunny didn’t recognize her brother in this instance as he threw himself against Captain Sham in an attempt to push Captain Sham overboard. But unfortunately for Klaus, Captain Sham regained balance before plummeting into the water. 

In response, Captain Sham roughly grabbed Klaus by the hair. Klaus yelped in pain. Captain Sham glared at Klaus with his shiny eye and his mouth curled up into a terrible smile. He tightened his grip on the back of Klaus’ neck and roughly pushed the young boy’s head to where it was dangling above the waters of Lake Lachrymose. Some of the leeches that weren’t getting any pieces of Josephine must have realized this as they swam towards Sham’s sailboat eagerly awaiting for Captain Sham to treat them with yet another meal. Klaus whimpered as Sham slowly pushed his face closer and closer to the water.

Sunny glared at Sham, but before she could even get close enough to bite him. Sham turns to where she is rather quickly and with one swift gesture, he moved his peg leg and knocked Sunny to the other end of the boat. Sunny whimpered in pain.

“You motherfucker!” Klaus yelled trying to get out of Sham’s grasp.

“_ Let me make this abundantly clear...to both of you brats!” _ He yelled, first turning to Sunny, who was already crawling towards him again. “If you even get the _ idea _to bite me with your piranha teeth, I will not hesitate to throw your brother to the fucking leeches!” Sunny glared at him but stopped dead in her tracks. She knew that wasn’t a hollow threat.

He then turned to Klaus leaning closely to Klaus’ ear, tightening his grip on the back of his neck. “And if you fucking try that stunt again, I will happily throw that little piranha back into the leech-infested water where she belongs!” He yelled harshly. “I only need _ one _ of you alive to gain your fortune and as you can see, I have no problems with _ murder _ . _ Do I make myself clear!?” _

He looked first to Sunny, who continued to glare at Sham. She reluctantly nodded. He then turned to Klaus, who had started crying again. “Are you going to _ behave _?” He asks in a cruel tone as Klaus starts to shake, but nods his head. “Good!” Sham said releasing his grip on the boy and pushing him roughly, forcing Klaus to sit down in the sailboat.

Both Baudelaire children huddled together, shivering in cold and fear as Captain Sham sailed the boat by himself. They looked out at where Aunt Josephine’s sailboat was and started crying. 

“Aunt Josephine…” Klaus whimpered.

“Aunt Jo…” Sunny cried.

“Josephine, Schmosephine,” Sham commented.

As I am sure you know, one way to demonstrate you don’t care about something is to say the word and then repeat the word with the letters S-C-H-M replacing the real first letters. If you don’t care about truth and justice, for example, you might say ‘truth, schmuth’ or ‘justice, schmustice’. But as Captain Sham steered the Baudelaire orphans away from the Lachrymose Leeches, their feelings about Aunt Josephine were far more complicated. The Baudelaires had not really enjoyed most of their time with her, not because she cooked horrible cold meals, or chose presents for them that they didn’t like, or always corrected their grammar, but because she was so afraid of everything that she made it impossible to really enjoy anything at all. And the worst part of her fear had made her a bad guardian. A guardian is supposed to stay with children and keep them safe, but Aunt Josephine had run away at the first sign of danger. A guardian is supposed to help children in times of trouble, but Aunt Josephine practically had to be dragged out of the Curdled Cave when they needed her. And a guardian is supposed to protect children from danger, but Aunt Josephine had offered the orphans to Captain Sham in exchange for her own safety, even going as far as to say that he can do whatever he wanted to them.

But despite all of these faults, the children did care about her. She had given them a home, even if it was cold and not hurricane-proof. She had tried to teach them, even if it wasn’t what they wanted to learn. And like the Baudelaires, she had experienced great loss and while that doesn’t make a good guardian, it didn’t make her a bad person. For this reason, the Baudelaires did not think, ‘Josephine, Schmosephine’, they thought ‘We hope Aunt Josephine is safe’.


	39. The One When Olaf Admits to Arson

> * * *
> 
> **_Chapter Thirty-Eight:_ **

_ The One When Olaf Admits to Arson _

Captain Sham expertly sailed the boat to Damocles Dock, tying it to the dock. “Come along, little idiots,” he said as he led the Baudelaires onto the dock, where Mr. Poe was waiting with his handkerchief in his hand and a look of relief on his face.

“You’re safe!” Mr. Poe said. “Thank goodness! We were so worried about you! When Captain Sham and I reached the Anwhistle home and saw that it had fallen into the lake, we thought you were done for!”

“It is lucky that I decided to sail across the lake! Their boat was nearly destroyed by Hurricane Herman and by a swarm of leeches. I rescued them just in time!” He said pulling the two children closer to him. Klaus pulled away from him, holding Sunny close to him.

“Children, what am I supposed to do with you?” Mr. Poe asked sighing. “You said you were going to go home and rest, but instead you get ahold of a sailboat and sail across the lake in the middle of a hurricane. Aren’t you a bit too young to have a midlife crisis?” Klaus and Sunny looked at him in complete disbelief. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Captain Sham was no longer interested in serving as your guardian, even though I filled out these forms in triplicate while he boated around Lake Lachrymose rescuing you.”

“He did not rescue us!” Klaus shouted. “He threw Aunt Josephine into the lake! We have to go and rescue her!” 

“Hurry!” Sunny yelled.

“Well, I’ll admit the children’s behavior did make me have second thoughts. But then I also had third thoughts, which are how empty my wallet and my heart are. I truly think that the Baudelaires can be an enormous, enormous fortune in my life.” Sham said to Poe, “Now, obviously the children are upset and confused,” Captain Sham said, his visible eye shining. “As their father, I think they need a good night’s sleep.”

“** _YOU ARE NOT OUR FUCKING FATHER!_ **” Klaus shouted angrily, stomping his feet on to the ground like a child throwing a tantrum. “You are Count Olaf! You are a murderer! A child abuser! A villain! Please, Mr. Poe, alert the police! We have to save Aunt Josephine!”

“Oh, dear,” Mr. Poe said, coughing. “You certainly _ are _confused, Klaus. Aunt Josephine is dead, remember? She threw herself out the window.”

“No, no!” Sunny shouted. 

“Her suicide note had a secret message in it. I decoded the note and it said ‘Curdled Cave’. Well, actually, it said ‘apostrophe Curdled Cave’ but the apostrophe was just to get our attention.” Klaus explained looking at Mr. Poe with pleading eyes.

“You’re not making any sense,” Mr. Poe said. “What cave? What apostrophe?”

“Hold on,” Klaus said putting Sunny down beside him. He frantically searched his pockets, desperately looking for the note. “I can show you the note,”

“You can show it to him in the morning,” Captain Sham said, in a falsely soothing tone. “You need a good night’s sleep. My associate will take you to my apartment while I stay here and finish the adoption paperwork with Mr. Poe. He’s waiting over there in the car,” Sham pointed to a black automobile with its engine running. 

“But…” Klaus said still frantically searching his pockets. 

“Get in the car!” Sham yelled glaring at Klaus. 

“We’re not going anywhere with you!” he yelled towards Sham, turning to Mr. Poe. “I know it’s here somewhere…”

“Let’s go,” Sham said trying to usher Klaus to walk towards the car. 

“But…” Klaus cried.

“But nothing,” Captain Sham said. “You’re very distraught, which means ‘upset’.” 

“Kit!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “We know what ‘distraught’ means!” Klaus translated for his sister, not noticing the face that Sham was giving Sunny. 

“_ Please. _ Mr. Poe, listen to us!” Klaus begged, pulling out the pictures and shuffling through them. “It’s a matter of life or death. _ Please _just take a look at the note!”

“You can show it to him,” Captain Sham said, his voice rising in anger, “_ in the morning. _ Now, please _ behave _and get in the car.”

“Hold on a minute, Captain Sham.” Mr. Poe said. “If it upsets the children so much, I’ll take a look at the note. It will only take a moment.”

“Thank you,” Klaus said relieved. He had finally found the note, but as soon as he got a look at it, his face fell in disappointment. And I’m sure you can guess why. If you place a piece of paper in your pocket, and then soak yourself in a hurricane, the piece of paper, no matter how important it is, will turn into a soggy mess. Klaus looked miserably at the damp lump in his hands. You could scarcely tell that it had been a piece of paper, let alone read the note and the secret message it contained. “This _ was _the note,” Klaus said, holding it out to Mr. Poe. “You’ll just have to take our word for it that Aunt Josephine was still alive!”

“Etiam!” Sunny pointed out, which still meant, “And she might _ still _be alive!”

“Sunny’s right! She could still be alive! _ Please, _Mr. Poe, send someone to rescue her!” 

“Oh my, children,” Mr. Poe said. “You’re so sad and worried. But you don’t have to worry anymore. I have always promised to provide for you…” he began.

“Shit!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “And you’re shit at it!” 

“...I think Captain Sham will do an excellent job of raising you. He has a steady business and doesn’t seem likely to throw himself out of a window. And it’s obvious that he cares for you very much, why, he went out alone, in the middle of the hurricane, to search for you!”

“The only thing he cares about,” Klaus said bitterly, “is our fortune!”

“Why, that’s not true. I don’t want a penny of your fortune,” 

“Yes, you do! Because you are Count Olaf in disguise and you murdered Aunt Josephine in cold blood,”

“Wa-wa,” Sunny pointed out, which meant, “Well, actually, cold water.”

“Klaus, we’ve been through this. There’s absolutely nothing at this point that will convince me that this man is actually Count Olaf. You have no evidence to support these wild accusations, and I cannot, on behalf of Mulctuary Money Management, merely take the word of a single child.”

“You don’t have to take the word of a single child, you can take the word of both of us!” Klaus shouted.

“Well, actually, it is a single child. The baby doesn’t really count,” Sham said.

Mr. Poe frowned and coughed into his handkerchief. “Children, please go to your new home while I make the final arrangements with captain Sham. Perhaps we’ll have time for breakfast tomorrow before I head back into the city.”

“_ Please. _ ” Klaus begged. “ _ Please, _won’t you listen to us? Why won’t you believe us?” 

Sunny didn’t say anything. Sunny had not said anything for a minute, and if Klaus wasn’t so busy trying to reason with an idiot like Mr. Poe, he would have noticed that she wasn’t even looking up to watch everyone talking. During most of this conversation, Sunny was looking straight ahead, and if you were Sunny’s age and size, this would mean you were looking at people’s legs. The leg that she was fixated on was Captain Sham’s. She wasn’t looking at his right leg, though, which was perfectly normal but at his peg leg. She was looking at the stump of dark polished wood, attached to his left knee with a curved metal hinge, and concentrating very hard. 

Sunny was trying to solve the Baudelaires’ problem. Their problem, of course, was that Captain Sham’s despicable plan was about to succeed, and the way to solve it was to convince Mr. Poe of what was really going on. But with Aunt Josephine thrown in the lake, and her note a ruined lump of wet paper. Klaus was unable to convince Mr. Poe of anything. Sunny, however, stared at Captain Sham’s peg leg and thought of a simple, if rude, way of solving the problem.

As all the taller people argued and paid no attention to Sunny, the littler Baudelaire leaped slightly into the air and opened her mouth and rapidly bit down on Sham’s peg leg, demolishing it. Luckily for the Baudelaires, Sunny’s teeth were as sharp as a sword. The flimsy pieces of wood that remained cracked loud enough, causing everyone to look down. 

Sunny’s plan revealed Captain Sham’s real leg, pale and sweaty from knee to toes. But it wasn’t the knee or toes that interested everyone. It was his ankle. By biting the peg leg, Sunny had solved the children’s problem, exposing Count Olaf’s tattoo to everyone. Klaus smiled in relief and picked Sunny up quickly before Olaf had a chance to hurt her. 

Mr. Poe looked astonished. Klaus looked relieved. While Sunny looked at Olaf triumphant. Count Olaf, first looked afraid, but in a blink of an eye, he twisted his face to look as astonished as Mr. Poe’s. 

“My leg! My leg has grown back! It’s amazing! It’s incredible! It’s wonderful! It’s a medical miracle!” Olaf cried in a voice of false joy.

“Oh, come now. That won’t work. Even a child can see that peg leg was false.” Mr. Poe said.

“A child did see it! Two children in fact!” Klaus yelled. “But you didn’t listen! You _ never _listen!”

“Well, maybe the peg leg was false,” Count Olaf admitted, and took a step backward. “But I’ve never seen this tattoo in my life.”

“Oh, come now. That won’t work either. You tried to hide the tattoo with the peg leg, but now we can see that you are really Count Olaf.”

“Well, maybe the tattoo is mine,” Olaf admitted, as he took another step back. “But I’m not this Count Olaf person. I am Captain Sham. See, I have a business card here that says so.”

Klaus rolled his eyes but noticed something familiar in the distance. He quickly pulled out one of the pictures of his parents from his pocket, unfolding it. He looked at the background of the photo and up at the view on the horizon. He nudged Sunny, showing her what he saw. “Lucky Smells Lumbermill,” Klaus whispered. “Josephine said it wasn’t far.”

“Mama,” she replied, “Dada.” 

“Yes...mom and dad were there...we need to find a way there, somehow,” Klaus whispered.

“Oh come now, that won’t work either. Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made to say whatever they want.” Mr. Poe said after a fit of coughing.

“Run?” Sunny whispered, which meant, “We could run away,”

Klaus sighed. “That wouldn’t be the smartest move on our part,” he whispered in reply. “I promised Mom and Dad that I’d keep you safe...even if Mr. Poe is incompetent...I doubt we’d make it on the street, Sunny.”

Sunny shrugged. “Ergo?” she whispered, which meant, “Then what? How are we going to get there.”

“Luck?” Klaus whispered back. “Maybe...that’s our next destination.”

“Well, maybe I’m not Captain Sham,” Olaf admitted, “but the children still _ belong to me. _Josephine told me so.”

“Oh come now, that won’t work. Josephine left the children to Captain Sham, not Count Olaf. You are Count Olaf, not Captain Sham. So it is once again up to me to decide who will care for the Baudelaires. I will send these two youngsters somewhere else and I will send you to jail. You have performed your evil deeds for the last time, Olaf. You tried to steal the Baudelaire fortune by abusing the children. You tried to steal the Baudelaire fortune by murdering Dr. Montgomery…” he began.

“And _ this _ ,” Olaf growled, laughing maniacally. “Was my greatest plan yet!” He reached up and tore off his eyepatch, throwing it at the Baudelaires, taking them away from their secret conversation and stared at the children with both of his shiny eyes. Causing Klaus to shake slightly and hold Sunny tighter. “I don’t like to brag...Actually, why should I lie to you fools anymore?---I _ love _to brag, and forcing that stupid paranoid bitch to write that note was really something to brag about! What a ninny Josephine was!”

“She was not a ninny!” Klaus cried. “She was kind and sweet!”

“_ Sweet? _ She was willing to trade your pitiful lives for her own! _ ” _ Olaf repeated, with a horrible smile. “But, you’re right, Klaus. She was _ sweet! _I bet at this very moment the Lachrymose Leeches are probably finding her very sweet indeed. She might be the sweetest breakfast they ever ate!”

Both children glared at the villain as Mr. Poe frowned and coughed into his handkerchief. “That’s enough of your revolting talk, Olaf!” he said sternly. “We’ve caught you now, and there’s no way you’ll be getting away. The Lake Lachrymose Police Department will be happy to capture a known criminal wanted for fraud, murder, child abuse, and child endangerment.”

Count Olaf gave the Baudelaires a sneaky smile. “And _ arson _,” he piped up.

Klaus and Sunny looked at him and then at one another.

“Wait? _ What did you say? _” Klaus asked through gritted teeth.

Before Olaf had a chance to answer, although both Baudelaires knew he wouldn’t have answered Klaus’ question, Mr. Poe looked sternly at Olaf.

“_ I said that’s enough! _” he growled. Count Olaf and the Baudelaire orphans looked surprised that Mr. Poe had spoken so sternly. “You have preyed upon these children for the last time, and I am making absolutely sure that you are handed over to the proper authorities. Disguising yourself won’t work. Telling lies won’t work. In fact, there’s nothing at all you can do about your situation.”

“Really?” Olaf asked, and his filthy lips curved up in a Grinch-like smile. “I can think of something I can do..”

“And what is that?” Mr. Poe asked glaring at him.

Count Olaf looked at each one of the Baudelaire orphans, giving each child a smile as if the children were tiny chocolates he was saving to eat for later. Causing Sunny to gulp and Klaus to start shaking again. He then, slowly, smiled at Mr. Poe. “I can run,” he said as he ran. 

Count Olaf ran towards the black automobile that was waiting for him. 

“Get back here!” Mr. Poe yelled.

“We can’t just shout at him!” Klaus shouted. “We have to chase him!”

“I’m not going to allow children to chase after a man like that,” Mr. Poe said to the children, turning towards Olaf. “Stop, I say! Stop right there!”

“We can’t let him escape _ again _!” Klaus begged. “Come on, Sunny!’

“No, no, this is no job for children. He could kidnap you.” Mr. Poe said. “Wait here with your sister, Klaus. I’ll retrieve him!” he called after Olaf again, “_ You, there! Stop!” _

“But we can’t wait here!” Klaus cried. “We have to get into a sailboat and look for Aunt Josephine!” She may still be alive!”

“You Baudelaire children are under my care,” Mr. Poe said firmly. “I’m not going to let two small children sail around unaccompanied.”

“But if we hadn’t sailed unaccompanied,” Klaus pointed out, “we’d be in Olaf’s clutches!” 

“That’s not the point, Klaus.” Mr. Poe said and began to walk quickly toward Olaf and the car. Klaus and Sunny rolled their eyes at the fact that Mr. Poe wasn’t even _ running _ after Olaf. The children’s hearts sank into their chests as they heard a loud _ slam! _Of the car door. 

“Stop immediately!” Mr. Poe ordered. “Come back here, you unpleasant person!”

Count Olaf rolled down the driver side window of his car as he began to drive away from the children and Mr. Poe. “Don’t worry, Baudelaires! I’ll see you soon, orphans! _ Very soon! _” 

Klaus sank to the ground holding Sunny tightly. Mr. Poe hurried to a phone booth and called the police, but the children knew that by the time help arrived Count Olaf would be long gone. Utterly exhausted and more than utterly miserable, the Baudelaires huddled together on the ground, sitting glumly in the very same spot where we found them at the beginning of this story.

Sunny turned to her brother. “Haruki?” she asked him, which meant, “What’s that thing Haruki Murakami said?”

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.” Klaus recited in a monotone.

“Pre,” Sunny commented, which meant, “No, before that part.”

“You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over,” Klaus replied sighing.

“Iustum?” Sunny asked, which meant, “Do you think we made the right choice by not running away from Mr. Poe?”

“It doesn’t matter if we made the right choice. All that matters is what happens.” Klaus replied holding his sister closer to him. 

You will remember, the Baudelaires were sitting on their suitcases, hoping that their lives were about to get a little bit better, and I wish I could tell you, here at the end of this episode in their lives, that it was so. I wish I could write that Count Olaf was captured as he tried to flee, or that Josephine came swimming up to Damocles Dock, having miraculously escaped from the Lachrymose Leeches. But it was not so. 

As the two children sat on the damp ground, Olaf was already halfway across the lake and would soon be on board a train, disguised as a rabbi to fool the incompetent police, and I’m sorry to tell you that he was already concocting another scheme to steal the Baudelaire fortune. And thankfully, no amount of research conducting by either my associate and myself, will allow us to know exactly what was happening to Aunt Josephine as the children sat on the dock, unable to help her, but I can say that eventually--about the time when the Baudelaire orphans were forced to attend a miserable boarding school--two fishermen found both of Aunt Josephine’s life jackets, all in tatters and floating alone in the murky waters of Lake Lachrymose.

Usually, in most stories, the villain would be defeated and there would be a happy ending. But in the case of the Baudelaires, everything was wrong. Count Olaf, the villain, had not succeeded with his evil plan, but he certainly hadn’t been defeated, either. Unfortunately, for the Baudelaires this was not a happy ending in the slightest. They were once again alone. Without a home, without a place where they felt as though they belonged, and without their parents. All they had left of their parents were two photographs, several mysteries surrounding them, an inheritance that came with a homicidal maniac, and each other. Both children sat clutching each other as tight as possible wishing that they could just go home. Back to their old home, where they had once lived with their parents, but they couldn’t. The Baudelaire mansion was just a pile of ashes in a vacant lot, and both children knew that they could go never go back there no matter how much they wanted to.

Klaus and Sunny sat on the dock watching the sun come up, hoping for a better tomorrow, hoping for a brighter future. As the Baudelaires sat and watched the dock fill with people as the business of the day began, they figured out something that was very important to them. It dawned on them that unlike Aunt Josephine, who lived up in that death trap she called a home, sad and alone. The two children had one another for comfort and support over the course of their miserable lives. And while this did not make them feel entirely safe, or entirely happy, it made them feel entirely appreciative.

“Thank you, Sunny,” Klaus said appreciatively. “For coming up with the peppermint idea to gain us more time. For coming up with the idea that saved me from dying due to Hurricane Herman, For coming up with the idea of signaling a boat with fire and for biting Olaf’s ridiculous peg leg proving his identity to Mr. Poe. If it weren’t for you we would now be in Olaf’s clutches.”

Sunny smiled at her brother, “Tanks Klaus!” Sunny said appreciatively, which was her way of thanking him for figuring out Josephine’s hidden message in the note, for figuring out how to convince Aunt Josephine to leave the Curdled Cave, and for being able to create the fire that signaled for help. “Doom,” she said, which meant, “If it weren’t for you, we would now be doomed.”

They leaned closer to one another appreciatively, and small smiled appeared on their damp and anxious faces. Both siblings felt as though having each other in the midst of their unfortunate lives felt like having a ferry in the middle of a hurricane, and to the Baudelaire orphans this felt very fortunate indeed.

__________________________________________________________________

Lemony sat in his taxi watching as the Baudelaires sat their miserably. He frowned. Larry, who sat in the passenger seat, frowned, too. 

“He got away,” Larry said absentmindedly. “He got away and he killed her,”

“God damn that motherfucker!” Lemony yelled hitting the steering wheel. He began to softly cry. After a moment, he turned to his friend. “I’m just glad he didn’t kill you,”

“Same here,” Larry said. “I’m just glad these children are as resourceful as they are,”

“What now? Will he ever stop?” Lemony asked.

“No. He’s too fixated on revenge. He may never stop…” 

“Is there anything _ useful _we can do?”

“What do you mean? You were plenty useful to them. Do you believe those kids would have been able to get to Curdled Cave in the middle of a hurricane without you?”

“It doesn’t matter! I may have helped but I failed them! I left them there! I left them to fend for themselves and look what happened!”

“Lemony, you can’t blame yourself,” Larry said calmly. “I would’ve done the same thing. You assumed Josephine had everything under control.”

“Well, she didn’t!” 

“I know,” 

“...this is all my fault…” Lemony said absentmindedly.

“Lemony,” 

“No! Don’t try to convince me otherwise! If I hadn’t convinced Beatrice…” 

“Stop. Just stop with that. Beatrice made her own decisions, you didn’t force her.”

“No one could force Beatrice to do anything,” Lemony remarked.

“Exactly! You can’t blame yourself for this entire mess.”

“But I can! Beatrice and Bertrand are dead because of me! Gustav is dead because of me! Monty is dead because of me! Now Josephine is dead because of me!”

“No,” Larry replied firmly. “She’s dead because of Olaf. Gustav is dead because of Olaf. Monty is dead because of Olaf! And we haven’t found the exact cause of the Baudelaire fire _ but _I do know that you didn’t start the blaze. So you didn’t kill them.”

“Actions have consequences. We’re finally getting those consequences.”

“Lemony…”

“No, it’s the truth. And I am fine with taking responsibility for my decisions. But these are innocent children he’s after...they don’t deserve to pay for the sins of their parents or me. They don’t even know me!” 

“You’re right. That’s why we’re intervening and helping as much as we can.”

“It’s not enough,” Lemony replied harshly. “He keeps escaping.”

“Well, we can always recruit them into the organization,” Larry suggested.

“_ No!” _ Lemony cried. “These children are not to be indicted into VFD. Beatrice would not have wanted that.”

“Well, we can kidnap them and you can unofficially adopt them.”

“Trust me, that plan is sounding better and better with each passing day. But with my life on the run, I don’t think that’s a childhood they deserve.” Lemony said guiltily thinking of Violet.

“But _ this _is?” Larry asked. “Being pursued by a homicidal maniac?”

“No...it’s not. This is worse.”

“We don’t have any other options between those two, and they both involving kidnapping those kids.”

“Well, there is one more option you haven’t mentioned yet,” Lemony said in a dark, chilling tone.

“What do you mean?” Larry asked worriedly.

“We could always murder Olaf,” Lemony suggested in a calm tone.


	40. The One Where Lemony Makes a Vastly Formidable Decision While Violet Makes a Very Frightening Discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of Wide Window, y'all.  
Once again. Thank you guys for the love and support you guys have given this fic. It hurts my heart that we are nearly at the end of part one even though I am super excited for part two.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy Miserable Mill and the epilogue for part one!  
Love y'all.  
-Sue

** _Chapter Thirty-Nine:_ **

_ The One Where Lemony Makes a Vastly Formidable Decision While Violet Makes A Very Frightening Discovery _

There was an awkward silence in the taxi as both men realized what Lemony had just said out loud. 

“Lemony...you’re not serious?” Larry asked in an uncomfortable tone.

“I get that it’s wrong...but...what choice do I have?” Lemony asked the waiter, his voice cracking.

“Several,” Larry replied. “Besides, you were just complaining that you thought you had too much blood on your hands. Now you want to add some real blood?”

“It’s just Olaf. He doesn't deserve to live,” Lemony said. “Especially not anymore.”

“But he’s not worth the time you’d spend incarcerated.”

Lemony laughed. “I’ve been both dead and on the run for nearly fifteen years. I’m an expert at not getting caught.”

Larry laughed. “Well, you do what you feel you need to do. I won’t stop you and I won’t look at you any differently, friend. I’ll continue to help you in any way to help these kids.”

Lemony sighed. “Thank you. Do you need a ride back into town?”

“Actually, yes I could use one. I’ve been asked to help your brother investigate a recent fire.”

“Jacques is researching the Baudelaire fire?” Lemony asked worriedly.

“No...the more recent fire?”

“There’s been _ another _ fire?”

“Yeah...you didn’t hear?” Larry asked. “We’ve lost two more members in the fire. One of their children died in the fire, as well.”

“What? How old?”

“Just thirteen years old. The other two children are being sent to a boarding school that you and I are familiar with.”

“Prufrock?”

“Yep.”

“Fucking lovely,” Lemony commented. “Wait, do you think Poe will take the Baudelaires there next. Since he took those kids…”

“Uhm...Mr. Poe isn’t in charge of their affairs.” Larry interrupted.

“Then who is?”

“The city’s sixth most important financial adviser,” 

“Wait...isn't that…” Lemony asked as Larry nodded. “How did  _ that _ happen?”

“I’m unsure. But we’ve been told she hasn’t had any affiliation with VFD since  _ that  _ night. She quit it all together. Now spends her days solely focusing on fashion and her own wealth.” Larry explained.

“Well...that’s good at least. Maybe, unlike Olaf, she’s put everything behind her.” 

“Well, why wouldn’t she? It’s just a sugar bowl.”

Lemony laughed. “It was more than just a sugar bowl to her...but maybe you’re right. She moved on. She’s more mature than Olaf. Not fixating on revenge over some petty little object.”

Lemony laughed as he started up the taxi. He and Larry continued their conversation all the way back to the city. Lemony couldn’t help but wonder what was in store for the Baudelaires and what was in store for him. Was he really willing to kill Olaf to end this miserable cycle that he has found himself in? Lemony continued on in conversation but his mind was currently wandering aimlessly. He was feeling distraught, he couldn’t fathom how the idiotic mistakes that he made in his early twenties could fuck up everything this badly. 

The world was filling up with smoke and fire, and it was all his fault. Beatrice and her husband, Bertrand burned to death in their home that they once happily raised their children. Jacques and Kit have not seen their younger brother in nearly two decades and who knows if they’ve stayed close after losing Lemony. Gustav was murdered by a poison dart and drowned in a swamp. Monty had his passion used against him in a cruel murder. Josephine had her fears used against her in a gruesome murder. Two children had lost their parents and have been stalked and pursued by a homicidal psycho who was bent on revenge against Lemony and their own parents. And now, another VFD family has lost their home and their lives.  _ A thirteen-year-old died because of him.  _ Finally, Violet, his own daughter, had been robbed of a true childhood. She was robbed of having a mother. She was robbed of having siblings. She was robbed of having any family unit other than her father. And it was all. His. fault. 

It didn’t matter what Jacquelyn or Larry said. Lemony knew that this was all his fault. He blindly followed VFD’s orders and the dominoes fell. They’ve been falling for nearly fifteen years now and Lemony desperately wondered just how this story was going to end. Unfortunately, I know how this story ends and it is not a pleasant ending for anyone involved. Even if some people find peace or a ‘happy ending’, they will still have their trauma, their nightmares, their worry that just around the corner more unfortunate events will be there. But in the case of Lemony Snicket, I am sad to say that the conclusion to his story is much, much worse. You can hardly imagine, so I implore you to run and never look back because the further you go into this story, the further down the rabbit hole you go and sooner or later, you’ll be trapped with no way out and you will be forced to endure the Baudelaires’ and Snickets’ tragic stories. My associate and I have already tormented ourselves learning each gruesome detail. Finding useful documents and finding scraps of photographs that help detail and piece together each and everything that has happened in these cases. If you think  _ this  _ is bad or that the story cannot get any worse...I hate to inform you but you are entirely wrong. This story can and will get much, much worse. The secrets of VFD will begin to unravel all around the children but that doesn’t mean their story will get any better. You might think that three children should lead pleasant lives...but that’s not how the story goes. 

He sighed, trying to do his best to keep up the conversation with Larry as he drove them back to the city. He was fighting tears, he was fighting exhaustion. It was weird, Lemony didn’t feel physically exhausted, although he knew that he was, the nightmares made sure of that. Ruining any chance of sleep that Lemony could get. But he did feel both emotionally and mentally exhausted. It was hard keeping up the lies that he told his daughter, it was even harder keeping her a secret to anyone involved in VFD. It was hard to remember what he named his disguise this time and it was nerve-wracking hoping that he wouldn’t be recognized by Olaf. 

If Lemony lived in a simpler world, he would be a man who was never indicted into a secret organization, never convinced to do that heinous action that changed everything. Even if Beatrice and Bertrand had died when their children were young, Lemony would be able to just adopt the Baudelaires and protect them. Then Violet would have siblings. Violet would have a normal life as well. 

_ Was kidnapping the Baudelaires really out of the question?  _ He asked himself as Larry rambled on and on, not noticing that Lemony was barely paying any attention. Honestly, Lemony wasn’t sure how he was even driving, he was barely focusing on the desolate roads either. Kidnapping the Baudelaires did sound like the best option, he didn’t have to necessarily indict them into VFD, he could take them and Violet and simply disappear. But would the kids go for that? Would Olaf still find them?

Lemony was unsure exactly  _ how  _ Olaf was getting the location of the Baudelaire orphans. Lemony got his information from Jacquelyn, who works under the incompetent Mr. Poe. But how did Olaf get this information...and  _ before  _ Lemony? That part hasn’t made much sense to Lemony since day one. He knew he couldn’t put a stop to Olaf learning the children’s location if he didn’t know where he was getting it. So if Lemony kidnapped Klaus and Sunny...Olaf would find him, discovering Violet. Which he refused to let happen. The vivid nightmares were a constant reminder of what Olaf would do if he knew of Violet’s mere existence. So kidnapping them was entirely out of the question. At the end of the day no matter how much he cared about the Baudelaires, Violet was his main priority. 

Lemony shook his head slightly. Killing Olaf might be the only option. Wouldn’t be the first time that Lemony murdered someone. At this point, Lemony didn’t care what his reasons were. He didn’t care if there were seemingly other options. The only way to end a nightmare is by making sure it no longer exists, and how do you make sure that a human being no longer exists? You kill them. 

Lemony hated that his mind was going to this dark place. But deep down, he knew killing Olaf would be the best option. He will never stop. He will continue trying to hurt the Baudelaires until his last dying breath. So why not make his last dying breath come sooner? 

“Lemony?” Larry asked bringing Lemony back to reality.

“Huh? What?”

“You’re crying,” 

Lemony quickly wiped tears from his face. “Sorry, I was listening...what were you saying?”

“Who’s Violet?” Larry asked.

Lemony’s eyes went wide as he pushed his foot on the brake. The taxi halted to a harsh stop, causing both men to sway in their seats. He turned to Larry. “Who’s Violet?” he asked.

“That’s what I’m asking you,”

“I-I don’t know a Violet…you must have misheard me.”

“No. I’m sure I heard you correctly. You said ‘I’ll never let him hurt Violet’,”

Lemony shook head fiercely. “I don’t recall saying that.”

“That’s probably because you were disassociating,”

“You can’t disassociate while driving,”

“You’d be surprised,” Larry replied. “So who’s Violet?”

Lemony frowned, sighing deeply. “Look, I don’t know what you heard or what you think I said. I’m exhausted. I am on the edge of losing the last bit of sanity that I have left. So can we please just drop it and never say the name ‘Violet’ again.”

Larry frowned but nodded his head. “Understood. You are under incredible stress. Do you want me to drive? Maybe you can nap.”

Lemony weighed the pros and cons of Larry’s suggestion. On one hand, he could get sleep, something that he so desperately needed. But on the other hand, he could have another nightmare or another lucid dream where he will say too much. His eyes threatened to close. He simply nodded as he unbuckled his seatbelt and switched seats with Larry.

The rest of the car, he looked remorsefully out the window as Larry did his best to maintain a friendly, enjoyable conversation with Lemony. Eventually, Lemony stopped replying and began snoring. Larry looked worriedly over at his sleeping pal, he knew this was taking a toll on Lemony but he wasn’t exactly sure why. What was Lemony’s connection to the Baudelaire children? He understood that they were Beatrice’s children and he fully understood Lemony’s connection and feelings toward Beatrice but it seemed to Larry that there was something in this connection that was missing. Something that Lemony was hiding. But he let it go. He allowed Lemony to sleep the rest of the way to the city.

_____________________________________________________________________

Violet paced around impatiently. She wondered where her father was. Usually, she allowed her father the freedom to come and go as he pleased. Knowing that his job called for it but after Jacquelyn had explained to her that he has enemies, she wanted him home as much as possible. She was sickeningly worried about him. She made herself a cup of coffee, glancing at the door every few seconds waiting anxiously for her father to burst through the door. 

It took her a few hours before deciding to use her time productively into finding her mother. She glanced around the apartment for possible hiding spots that her father might put something that he didn’t want to see all the time, in fear that it would break his heart each time he looked at it. She had two different spots for such an item. The first place was the same place that she had stored her failed grandfather toaster, which was under her bed. So she didn’t have to look at it anymore. She ran to her father’s room and threw herself on the floor and frowned when she saw that there was nothing under his bed except pairs of shoes. She sighed but looked towards her second guess, which of course was the closet.

Most people have skeletons in their closet, of course, Lemony Snicket didn’t have  _ actual  _ skeletons in his closet, but he did have metaphorical skeletons in his closet just like a vast majority of people and to Violet’s frustration, he had his skeletons locked away in a briefcase that was locked with a combination. The phrase ‘skeletons in one’s closet’ simply means they have pieces of their past that they would prefer not leave lying around. Because they are painful or incriminating or would create unnecessary clutter. Whether it was because it was beneficial to his personal health if it were hidden away or that he didn’t want anyone else knowing of his dirty little secrets. In the case of Lemony Snicket, both reasons applied. He didn’t want to be constantly reminded about the heart-break that this skeleton delivered to him and he also was trying to hide this depressing truth from his daughter. 

She pulled out the briefcase glancing at it at every angle. She could tell that a mere lockpick wasn’t going to do. She was going to have to crack the combination. She stared at the briefcase with pure determination written across her face. She knew that combinations are usually three numbers. She looked at the lock on the briefcase. When she flipped the briefcase over, she saw a similar insignia. This shocked her to where she dropped the briefcase on the floor and pulled out the spyglass from her pocket, studying the front of it.  _ How have I never noticed this before?  _ She pondered as she stared at both the briefcase and the spyglass.  _ What else had VFD’s signature?  _

Her eyes got wide as she grabbed her locket and looked it over. Searching desperately for the familiar insignia. She smiled when she realized that her locket was not branded in any way to the cult that both of her parents had found themselves in. But she did wonder how her father was able to hide this briefcase from her, especially considering the many times that the two of them have moved. She sighed as she took a quick glance towards the front door. Still nothing. She was both relieved and worried, but there was nothing she could do. The only thing she can do is just sit around and wait for him to get home. She debated whether or not to call Jacquelyn and ask her for any updates pertaining to her father. But she didn’t know if Jacquelyn would even give her any updates seeing that her father was being super secretive about this whole thing. 

She glared at the lock on the briefcase, surprised to see that it was not a simple lock. She played with the three dials realizing that this might be a bit harder than she thought. Seeing that, unlike usual briefcase combinations lock each dial would have the digits zero to nine on each, but the one her father possessed was obviously custom-made either for him or for his cult as a whole because each dial had double digits. She turned the dials to see how far numerically it would go and each dial stopped at the number twenty-six. Violet eyed curiously at the dials, if Violet wasn’t an intelligent young woman, she would have only simply recognized that twenty-six was a very odd, but yet very specific number to stop at. But Violet  _ was  _ a very intelligent young woman and although she was right to think that twenty-six was an odd number to stop at, she understood why VFD would give their members briefcases that stopped at that specific numbers.

Going back to her research about how VFD uses codes, she knew that sometimes when coding you can substitute letters for numbers and vice versa. She smiled as she twisted the dials of the briefcase. The first being twenty-two, the second being the sixth letter in the alphabet and finally the fourth. She tried to open up the briefcase but when she tried to pull it open, it made a sharp noise indicating that it was still locked. She sighed.  _ Well, I guess VFD isn’t as narcissistic as I had hoped.  _ She turned all three dials until they were each on random numbers.  _ Can briefcases permanently lock you out if you try too many combinations?  _ She was sure that it couldn’t, but this wasn’t a normal briefcase that she was dealing with. This was some custom-made cryptic briefcase most likely manufactured by a cult in hopes of keeping their dark and terrifying secrets. 

_ Maybe VFD isn’t as full of themselves as I thought...but maybe my Dad is.  _ She thought to herself as she turned the first dial to twelve for the letter ‘L’, she counted on her fingers to figure out what number the letter ‘P’ would represent on the numerical alphabet, she started from ‘L’ and counted four fingers making the ‘P’ the sixteenth letter in the alphabet and then she twisted the last dial to nineteen for the letter ‘S’. Once again, the briefcase made a harsh noise when she tried to open it. She glared at the briefcase.  _ Okay, so Dad isn’t as predictable as I hoped.  _

She then looked down at her locket.  _ Violet, you fucking idiot.  _ She thought to herself laughing a bit as she began to put the numerical equivalent for her mother’s initials. She had to remember what her middle name was. Her father had told her a few times but it wasn’t information she thought she’d desperately need. She knew that it was the same as her middle initial, ‘M’. She believed her name was Beatrice Morena Baudelaire. She wasn’t entirely sure, but she did know that the way she remembered the first letter of her birth mother’s middle name was simply because she and Beatrice shared that. Another thing that Violet realized that both she and her mother’s middle name’s started with the letter that had her father’s favorite number as it’s numerical equivalent, which was thirteen. Her father had always told her that sometimes even the unluckiest of things can have a silver lining somewhere you just have to look for it. And for that reason, he had always declared that thirteen was his favorite number. To many, it was considered unlucky and cursed but to Lemony it was a number with a bad reputation. As she stole a glance towards the door noting that no one was coming in, she quickly twisted the dials to the second number of the alphabet, the thirteenth, and the second. Again, the briefcase indicated to her that she was entirely wrong with the combination. 

She was getting super frustrated. She was so close to grabbing a kitchen knife and cutting the leather of the briefcase just so she can read the secrets that she hoped it contained. She took a deep breath, slowly calming herself down. She knew if she cut through the leather, she would have to explain to her father what she did. She wouldn’t be able to obtain another briefcase like this one. Well, maybe she could. She wasn’t sure if Jacquelyn had a spare but maybe she could gift Violet a spare but the only problem with that she wouldn’t know what combination her father used so she’d still get caught. 

Besides Violet wanted to be the one to catch her father in his web of lies, not have him catch her in her own web of deceit. She wanted him to learn of her discoveries on her terms, not his. So she knew she couldn’t vandalize the briefcase, no matter how much she wanted to. She didn’t know how often her father revisited the skeletons in his closet and she wasn’t taking any chances. 

She stared intensely at the briefcase trying to think of any other three number combinations her father would potentially use. She’s tried V.F.D. She tried his own initials, L.P.S. She even tried her mother’s initials, B.M.B. In a flash of realization, her frustrated expression turned into one of disbelief. She facepalmed and rolled her eyes at her own silly self. She gave a small laugh as the most obvious combination came to mind. She quickly turned the first dial to the twenty-second letter of the alphabet.  _ Violet.  _ She turned the second dial to the thirteenth letter.  _ Malina.  _ She turned the last dial to the nineteenth letter of the alphabet.  _ Snicket.  _ Immediately, the briefcase popped open. She smiled.  _ Sometimes the most obvious answer is right in your face.  _ She told herself realizing that her father  _ was  _ predictable, just to the level of predictability that you severely doubt. She didn’t think her dad was that predictable but here she was after putting the numerical equivalent of her initials on the dials of the briefcase’s lock with the briefcase completely opened and more of her father’s secrets in front of her eager eyes. 

Violet looked down at the contents of the briefcase and stared at the one thing she wanted to find but she doubted she would. Violet was fortunately correct in her assumption that within this briefcase, her father had locked away the two hundred page book written by the woman he loved, her birth mother, that explained at great length and in specific detail the reason she could not marry him. Violet understood her father’s desire to hide something like this, if it were out in the open, he would find himself reading it over and over again as if his darling Beatrice was bringing him bad news every day and every night of his life. 

She frowned as she pulled out the pages and she gently swiped her fingers across the top of the book. Her mother’s handwriting was so beautiful. The way she wrote ‘My Darling Dearest’ in the header amazed Violet. She glanced at the letter noticing that the first page was torn stained and there was no doubt in her mind that the rest of the pages were tear-stained as well. Violet smiled as she grazed the red ribbon that her mother used to tie her letter together with her fingers. She smiled. She got her ribbon obsession from her mother. She glanced down at the purple ribbon that she had tied to her wrist. 

She decided to tie up her hair before she began to read the letter. She tried her best to be prepared for whatever it was she was about to discover. Her curiosity was taking full control over her as she began to read. She turned page after page, hungry for more answers. The entire time she was admiring not only her mother’s handwriting but her writing skills. She realized right away that her mother was a lot like her father in one aspect when she wanted to be cryptic, she was vague and very confusing. There were parts of the letter where certain details were omitted entirely or things pertaining to VFD were vaguely mentioned. As her mother had explained in the letter, this was due to the fact that she wasn’t sure if the carrier crows who had the task of delivering this letter would be able to find her father. Which that part didn’t make much sense to Violet. Her father was on the run  _ after  _ her birth...wasn’t he? That’s how he ended up with Violet. Everything was alright until  _ after  _ her birth. But that timeline wasn’t making sense in correlation to the one provided by her mother in this letter. From what it sounded like, it sounded like Beatrice was still pregnant with Violet. She even mentions that she is nervous because this is her first pregnancy. Violet didn’t have any siblings, older or younger so she had a feeling this was talking about her mother’s pregnancy with her. Which made Violet think about the telegram. At first, Violet had thought that maybe that was a different pregnancy, but if there was a completely different timeline than maybe she was the baby being discussed in that. It would make sense. Because if her father and mother had any other children, wouldn’t they be with her and her father? A sad thought came to the forefront of Violet’s mind  _ unless she didn’t want me but wanted the other baby.  _ She frowned. She shook her head, trying to convince herself that that wasn’t the case at all. Her mother seemed super excited about her pregnancy, so why wouldn’t she keep Violet? 

All of a sudden a dark thought took hold of her mind. She wondered why her father wouldn’t tell her the correct timeline. Each time he spoke of the tragic events that led to Violet being in his custody, he always mentioned that it happened  _ after  _ Violet was born. That he and her mother parted ways after her birth. But in this letter, her mother is telling a different story. She didn’t know much about Beatrice’s character, so she didn’t know if she could believe everything out of her mouth, but unfortunately, she  _ did  _ know Lemony and she recently learned that her father was a chronic liar. But the question on Violet’s mind was  _ why would he lie about the timeline of events? What was he hiding from her?  _ There was only one reason that Violet could think of for her father lying about something like the timeline of events and she didn’t like the thought at all. She hated this thought. But can you blame her for thinking such a thing? When you don’t have much to go and you have to fit pieces into a puzzle, sometimes you end up with pieces in the incorrect spaces because you jump to conclusions or you force the piece into the spot. Violet wondered if her father  _ kidnapped  _ her after all. She knew that she was biologically related to Lemony, there was no doubt about that. But during separations, there are custody battles and sometimes when one parent does not like the outcome of the custody battle, they do something drastic like take the child and run. Even if the parent is related to the child, the authorities still consider this kidnapping. So could this be one of those cases right now? Her father was on the run and even presumed dead so maybe he couldn’t fight a custody battle or maybe he did but he lost because of his background. So in desperation, he kidnapped Violet taking her far from her mother. Sadly, it was in the realms of possibility. VFD does kidnap children. So they had probably trained both her parents on how to successfully kidnap a child without getting caught. 

Her heart sank.  _ Or did he kidnap me to recruit me into VFD?  _ She shook her head at that nonsense.  _ If he wanted to recruit you, he wouldn’t be hiding all of this from you.  _ She told herself.  _ Unless he realized that recruiting her might reveal his deep dark secret...or he had a change of heart. Jacquelyn did mention that I should be a year into my apprenticeship.  _ Violet shook her head fiercely.  _ You’re driving yourself insane, Vi. Get a grip. He’s your father, he didn’t kidnap you. He has his reasons for being secretive and it’s not that...it can’t be that...can it?  _ Violet was not entirely sure what to think anymore. Everything relating to her father and VFD was dark and cryptic. She couldn’t tell if she was completely on track or so far off that it’s laughable. 

The timeline that played out in the letter was driving her insane. She didn’t know what was true or not, because she didn’t know Beatrice personally. But as she continued to read on, she was slowly starting to dismiss the ugly custody battle theory because, throughout the letter, her mother is sweet and compassionate. If an ugly custody battle had ensued than wouldn’t she be bitter, spiteful, and petty? 

Violet also realized that there were several parts of the letter that seemed to be in codes. Different kinds of codes, it looked like. But these passages were scattered all around the letter. She only thought this because there were a few passages that her mother had underlined ‘ring’ even if it was in a larger word like ‘daring’ or ‘tampering’. She remembered that at the movies, she’d hear a faint ring and her father would lift the spyglass to his face until she heard another faint ring. Could this be the same code just written down? Were there different variations of this code and many others. She rubbed her temples in frustration. How confusing was this fucking cult? Is that how they got people to stay? Confuse the fuck out of them and pique their curiosity with questions that they desperately wanted answers to? That way they’d sink so far into the rabbit hole that they couldn’t escape because their thirst for understanding would just grow throughout the years because they refused to leave without every answer since they didn’t want to admit they wasted all that time, energy and resources on nothing. Maybe there was no way to find all the answers. Maybe some questions had no answer at all. Again, to keep their members around until they figured everything out. Honestly, Violet wouldn’t put it passed them. It was starting to feel just like that. Every single time she answered a question, five new questions formed and this was the case with this letter. 

She had taken a break from reading to glance at the door to make sure her father wasn’t on his way in. No way she was going to let him catch her now. She found the jackpot. She took the time to go retrieve her commonplace book. In case she needed to write down further questions and answers. 

When she returned to the letter she began reading a passage about her mother spending some time developing a botanical hybrid. She wasn’t entirely sure what that meant but she knew she couldn’t ask her father to define those words. He’d ask too many questions. Questions she couldn’t answer because she wasn’t a skillful liar like him. There was a strange mention of an island, that she and the new man had stayed at. Violet assumed that the way that this was all worded that it was either a part of some code or maybe her mother was being vague about her vacation to keep her location a secret from anyone who intercepted this letter.

She was happy to see that she was able to find the questions that her father had answered in his letter. But she didn’t pay much attention to those because of what her eyes had caught. Her mother was vaguely explaining what happened one night when they both made a decision that changed their lives forever. She assumed that  _ this  _ would be more important than knowing if she was correct with her assumptions of the questions that her mother had asked her father. 

As she read her mother’s vague explanation, her heart dropped. She didn’t know the full implications but it seemed to her that her mother was expressing guilt about a ‘mission’ that VFD had ordered her parents and two other members to do. She sees her mother explaining that ‘ _ she knows that Jacques had advised them both to stop coming into contact with them because it will be dangerous for both of them…’ _ she tried to remember who Jacques was. She believed that was the name of her uncle. But she wasn’t sure, she had unfortunately never met any of her family outside of her father. She continued to read on rolling her eyes at her mother’s vagueness when writing. She understood her mother’s possible reasoning behind this, this letter was meant for  _ one set  _ of eyes and those were her father’s. No one should be reading this letter, so her mother can be as cryptic and vague as she wants as long as she made sure that  _ Lemony  _ fully understood her. She sighed. If her mother had sent this in a more normalized way and not carrier crows than maybe she wouldn’t have been super paranoid about it getting into the wrong hands. 

As she read on, she could see that her mother expressed great guilt about her involvement in VFD’s crooked plot and how she knew that Lemony had felt equally guilty if not more since he was the one who convinced the other three that they should go along with it. Violet’s curiosity was intensified, she desperately wanted to know what VFD had her parents do. Her mother described it as heinous and morally ambiguous. She even quoted Lemony saying that he once described it as ‘a wicked deed being done for a noble cause’ and that he had even asked himself ‘what choice do we have?’ Beatrice went into detail how she believed that if they had stayed together, she believed they would’ve worked out but feared that they would be a constant reminder of this mistake they both made. Beatrice also went into detail (although in Violet’s opinion, her mother was beginning to be too vague again), that she didn’t want her father to take the blame at all. She was willing to confess to her part of the crime. 

Violet shuddered at the word ‘crime’.  _ What did they do that was so horrible?  _ She asked.  _ Did they kidnap some children?  _ She wondered, again, going back to the fact that she had recently learned that the cult that her parents had fallen victim to, kidnaps children and forces them to ‘volunteer’. Then her eyes caught on to one single word that sent Violet’s mind and heart spiraling down for different reasons. Her mother had written the word ‘ _ murder’ _ . Violet closed her eyes as she allowed this to sink in. 

Now as I’m sure you know, there are two very popular definitions for the word ‘murder’. One definition is used less often than the other for obvious reasons. But I will tell you both anyway. ‘Murder’ a phrase which here means both a group of crows and the act of killing another human being. Obviously, when Beatrice Baudelaire had written the word ‘murder’, she was not talking about a group of crows. She was talking about the act of killing another human being. So as Violet read the vaguely worded sentence that contained that specific word over and over again, her mind went into a frenzy. 

Her father had always been on the run since she was young. Although, if the letter’s timeline was the correct timeline, he was on the run a little before she was born. But either way, he had been on the run for as long as she could remember. He had always explained to her that it was because of false accusations that  _ The Daily Punctilio  _ had written about him. She believed this because anyone with half a brain cell could tell you that  _ The Daily Punctilio  _ was the most unreliable newspaper you’ll ever find. I mean, do you see who is the editor and chief? Elenora Poe, Mr. Poe’s wife. It would make sense that incompetence was attracted to incompetence. But Violet was seeing a written confession from her mother, although it was vaguely worded, it implicated that the so-called lies printed about her father in the newspaper were actually true (well not entirely, he did take all the blame for this and he did have three accomplices). Violet thought she was going to be sick. She didn’t want to believe that her parents were murderers but here it was in her mother’s shaky handwriting. She rubbed her temples and sighed angrily. She wanted to understand more about this...about this particular piece of her parents' history. 

She wanted to see if her father was correct in his assumption that they had done a ‘wicked thing for a noble reason’. She wanted to understand what exactly transpired to cause this chain of events that ended up with her mother retracting her proposal acceptance. She wanted to understand the actual timeline of events because she had two different timelines that were both equally as confusing. She wanted to understand just how far her parents were in VFD’s mindset to see how brainwashed they were. She didn’t want to see either of her parents in such a dark light. She wanted to find a logical explanation for all of this. But unfortunately for her, as she finished reading her mother’s letter, taking notes here and there. Gaining more questions than answers, as per usual. She was left with her curiosity eating away at her brain. She was left with every dark and twisty thought that she had when she was reading the letter. She felt like she was almost ready to question her father. She wanted to wait just a little longer and see what she can find.

She realized that the sun was setting and her father wasn’t home yet but she didn’t want to risk it. She wiped her tears from her eyes as she placed her the letter back into her father’s briefcase. Closing it up and making sure it was locked. She now knew the combination so being able to reaccess it would be simple. 

She decided to wait for her father to arrive home, hoping that he was safe. Even if she found out some scary secret about him and her mother today, it didn’t change how she looked at them. Well, not entirely. She still wanted to meet her birth mother and she knew the man her father was. She knew murder was wrong, but she hoped that they had a good reason. It wouldn’t change what they’d done but it’d be easier for her to simply ignore their faults and continue on the way she always had. 

As she sat quietly watching the door, she did decide one thing. If VFD had  _ ordered  _ her brainwashed parents to murder someone than that was an ‘organization’ she wanted absolutely nothing to do with. Who knows what they’d force her to do and what happens when you refuse? Violet didn’t want to ponder that. Although, if VFD had threatened to kill her parents, she could understand why they chose to carry out those orders. Unfortunately, she may have to ask her father about that because nowhere in her mother’s letter was that even implied or maybe it was but it was in some secret code. But either way, Violet wasn’t going to get the answer to that specific question until she was ready to confront her father and who knows by that time, she may have more revelations to ask about. All Violet knew is that her head was spinning and she was sliding down further and further into the rabbit hole...but what choice did she have? 


	41. The One Where the Baudelaires Arrive at Lucky Smells

** _Chapter Forty_ **

_ The One Where The Baudelaires Arrive at Lucky Smells _

The Baudelaire orphans looked out of the grimy window of the train and gazed at the gloomy blackness of the Finite Forest, wondering if their lives would ever get any better. By now you should be able to tell that the story that follows will be very different than many stories that you have heard before. This was for the simple reason that the lives of Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire are very different from most people’s lives, with the main difference being the amount of unhappiness, horror, and despair. These two children have no time to get into all sorts of mischief because as I’m sure you know by now, misery follows them wherever they go. They have not had a grand old time since their parents died in a terrible fire. It is atrociously unfair, that the Baudelaires have so many troubles, but this is the way the story goes. 

An announcement over a crackly loudspeaker had just told them that in a few minutes they would arrive in the town of Paltryville, where their new caretaker lives, and they couldn’t help wondering who in the world would want to live in such a dark and eerie countryside. 

Klaus was staring at one of the photos that he had recovered from their Aunt Josephine’s house that showed his parents and some of their former friends standing in front of an old lumber mill. While Sunny was looking out the train window looking at the scenery of their new home.

“What a lovely forest!” Mr. Poe remarked and coughed into a white handkerchief.

“Incendit,” Sunny commented, which meant, “I wouldn’t call it ‘lovely’, it looks severely burnt down.” Klaus wasn’t paying much attention to the view, but he translated for his sister anyway taking her word for it.

“Well, it’s lovely anyway. Reminds me of your home,” Mr. Poe replied.

Klaus opened his mouth to say something but shook his head. He didn’t have the mental strength to argue with Mr. Poe.

“I think you children are going to have a good home here. I hope you do, anyway, because I’ve just received a promotion at Mulctuary Money Management. I am now Vice President of Orphan Affairs! Isn’t that lovely?”

“How?” Sunny asked confused. 

Klaus gave a small chuckle in response to his sister. 

“So from now on,” Mr. Poe continued as if Sunny hadn’t spoken, “If anything goes wrong  _ this time  _ I will have to send you to boarding school until I have time to find you another home, so please be on your best behavior.”

“Uh-huh,” Klaus replied rolling his eyes, not adding that he and Sunny had always been on their best behavior but it hadn’t done the children any good. 

“So if there’s any sort of problem, although I don’t imagine anything will go wrong  _ this time,”  _ Mr. Poe reiterated as if blaming the two Baudelaire youngsters for the troubles that had plagued them during their stays with their Uncle Monty and Aunt Josephine. “You will just have to figure it out yourselves.”

“Iam non!” Sunny replied angrily, which meant, “We already do!” Klaus translated for his sister. 

Both siblings hated the fact that Mr. Poe was blaming them for all the troubles that Count Olaf had caused. Klaus and Sunny would completely prefer if Count Olaf died in a ditch that way they can live the rest of their lives without constant worry about him arriving with a new scheme to kidnap them and seize their fortune.

Klaus folded up the photograph and placed it safely into his pocket. “So, our new caretaker  _ lives  _ at Lucky Smells Lumbermill?” 

Mr. Poe nodded as he erupted into a fit of coughs. Klaus smiled at this fact. He was eager to see what his new caretaker knew about his parents, seeing that he possessed a picture that proves that at least at one point in time, they had visited the Lumbermill or lived in the town of Paltryville. “What is our new caretaker’s name?” Klaus asked realizing that Mr. Poe had left that information out.

Mr. Poe took out a piece of paper and squinted at it. “His name is Mr. Wuz-- Mr. Qui-- I can’t pronounce it. It’s very long and complicated.”

“Can I see? Maybe I can figure out how it’s pronounced,” Klaus asked.

“No, no,” Mr. Poe said putting the paper away. “If it’s too complicated for an adult, it’s much too complicated for a mere child,” 

“Ghand!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “But Klaus reads many complicated books! He knows so many words!” As Klaus translated for Sunny, Mr. Poe merely shook his head. 

“He’ll tell you what to call him. You’ll find him in the main office of the Lumbermill,”

“You’re not coming with us?”

“No. The train only stops in Paltryville once a day, so I got off this train I would have to stay overnight and I’d miss yet another day at work.”

Klaus sighed and followed Sunny’s glance out the window. They weren’t very thrilled about being dropped off in a strange place as if they were a pizza being delivered instead of two young children all alone in the world. 

“What if Olaf shows up?” Klaus said after a minute of silence. “He swore he’d find us again.”

“I’ve let your new caretaker know all about Count Olaf. I even gave him a description. So if by some stretch of the imagination he shows up in Paltryville, you’re caretaker will notify the authorities.”

“Guise,” Sunny pointed out, which meant, “But he’s always in disguise,” Klaus translated for his sister.

“Sunny’s right. It’s often difficult to recognize him. Just about the only way you can tell it’s him is if you see that tattoo of an eye that he has on his ankle,”

“I included the tattoo in my description,” Mr. Poe said impatiently.

“What about his associates? He likes to bring one with him to help with his treachery,”

“I’ve described them all to him. You have nothing to worry about,”

“Ha!” Sunny shouted. “Casca!” she muttered angrily, which meant, “None of this is very reassuring,”

As he translated for his sister, Klaus realized that there was something about their new home that didn’t make any sense to him. He was happy to be going to Lucky Smells Lumbermill because he desperately sought out answers to the mysteries that surrounded himself and his baby sister, but...there was something off about this whole thing.

“Mr. Poe, I have just one question…”

“Hmm?”

“How is a lumbermill a suitable home for two children?” 

Mr. Poe shrugged as if he honestly didn’t care where the children went just as long as they were out of his hair.

“What the fuck,” Klaus muttered glaring at Poe.

“Language, Klaus. You’re in public,” 

“Mofo!” Sunny shouted.

Mr. Poe seemed to ignore her. Klaus looked down at Sunny. “Really, Sunny?” 

“No compre,” Sunny said sticking her tongue out at her brother, “What? He can’t understand  _ me.  _ I can say whatever I want and only you’ll understand.”

Klaus chuckled. “Just cause you found a way to cheat the system doesn’t mean you should.” He muttered rolling his eyes.

“Jellz,” Sunny replied, which meant, “You’re just jealous.”

Klaus looked down at his baby sister smiling. “Honestly, I kinda am.”

The children’s conversation was cut short by the train whistle as they arrived at the Paltryville Station. Klaus grabbed the new suitcase that Mr. Poe had purchased for them since all of their belongings had fallen into Lake Lachrymose. He picked up Sunny in his other arm. 

“Here you are,” Mr. Poe said, as he waved to the children. “Remember, mess up again and it’s off to boarding school,”

“Mess up  _ again? _ ” Klaus asked as Mr. Poe ushered him and Sunny out of the car. 

Both children watched as the train pulled away from the station, and soon the two children were once again standing in a strange place all alone again. 

“Well, let’s find Lucky Smells Lumbermill,” Klaus muttered as he looked out from the train station’s platform. During their long walk to Lucky Smells, the Baudelaire orphans walked through the burnt remains of the Finite Forest for several minutes. Sunny whimpered as she looked around for starving wildlife and Klaus trembled as he looked around for Count Olaf. “We’re almost out of the woods,” he muttered to his baby sister. 

The phrase “out of the woods” is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be. In Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond. It is for that reason that ‘out of the woods’ has come to mean ‘ a return to safety, away from menace and disturbing revelations.’ I am sorry to say while Klaus was right in that the Baudelaires were almost out of the  _ forest  _ they were far from out of the woods. Once they exited Finite Forest, the Baudelaires traveled down Paltryville’s one street, seeing that once again they were living in a desolate place. Paltryville had a few shops, but not only did they not have any windows but they also looked burnt down. There were the burnt remains of a post office, that didn’t have a flag flying from a flagpole, but an old shoe dangling from the top. Klaus frowned when he saw a large sign that said ‘Paltryville Library’ next to a building that no longer resembled a library but a pile of ash as if the fire that had plagued this town started there. They saw a few other buildings but they looked eerily similar to nearly every other building in town. Across the street, there was a high wooden wall that ran all the way to the end of the street. In the middle of the wall was a tall gate, with the words “Lucky Smells Lumbermill” written on it in letters that were rough and slimy. Alongside the sidewalk, where a row of trees might have been, were towering stacks of old newspapers instead. Both Baudelaires wanted to leave but they knew they couldn’t. Klaus led his younger sister to the wooden gate. 

“Arson,” Sunny pointed out, which meant, “It looks like there was a fire here...everything is gone,” 

“Not everything,” Klaus said pointing at the wooden wall. “Maybe this is where all the clues lead us. The secret safe and the strange photographs at Aunt Josephine's,”

“Codes!” Sunny added, “Jacky!”, which meant, “The secret message and the strange statue lady at Uncle Monty’s,”

“The only thing standing between us and all our parents’ secrets is an enormous wooden wall,” Klaus replied absentmindedly smiling.

“Odium,” Sunny muttered, which meant, “What if we don’t like what we find? Knowing could be a terrible thing,”

“But not knowing, isn’t that worse?” 

Sunny shrugged her shoulders as she looked behind Klaus. Her eyes widening. “Klaus…” she muttered.

“The only question now is how do we get inside,” he replied not fully paying attention to his sister. 

“Klaus,”

“I read about walls. The Wall of Jericho, the Great Wall of China…”

“Klaus…” 

“Pink Floyd’s The Wall...although Mother wouldn’t let me watch that one…”

“Klaus…” Sunny whimpered tugging at his ear. “Look!” 

“What?” he said still staring at the wall. “I see the sign is made out of gum, Sunny.” Although that is not what his sister was talking about, Klaus was right. The letters of the sign were made out of wads and wads of chewed up gum just stuck on the gate in the shapes of letters. The “Lucky Smells Lumbermill” sign was the most disgusting sign on earth, and Klaus thought that was what his sister was pointing out.

“No,” Sunny said impatiently as she grabbed his face and turned his head for him. “Look!” 

When he turned to have a better view of what she was looking at. He felt his heart sink into his chest as he stared next door. The two siblings stood there without speaking a word, staring hard at the building that occupied the lot right next to the lumbermill. For a few moments, the Baudelaires held each other tight and just looked on in fear. 

“I-It must be a coincidence,” Klaus said after a few moments. 

“Uh-huh,” Sunny replied nervously, nodding. “Varni,” she muttered in agreement, which meant, “Of course, just a coincidence.”

But she didn’t believe it. Neither Baudelaire orphan believed it. Now that the children had reached the mill, they could see another building, right next to their new home. But it wasn’t the building as a whole that had Klaus shaking in fear and Sunny whimpering softly trying to calm her brother. It was what they saw in the large window on the second floor. The building was tall and large. Just like the lumbermill, it seemed to be the only building unscathed by the fire that had destroyed Paltryville. But even that wasn’t why the Baudelaires found themselves terrified. It was because the window on the second floor was oval, like an eye. But again, even  _ that  _ wasn’t what scared the children. It was that within the framework, both Baudelaires could see an eerily familiar insignia that had used for the design. The two children looked at one another and then at the building and then at one another, shaking their heads. Try as they might, they just couldn’t believe this was a coincidence that the desolate town in which they were to live had a building that had a large window designed to look like the same eye that made up the tattoo on Count Olaf’s ankle.

Klaus turned his head back to the wooden wall.  _ It’s just a crazy coincidence _ . He told himself as he knocked on the wooden gate. He waited for an answer, but nobody came. Sunny pushed through the wooden gate, Klaus walked slowly in as he glanced back at the building. 

“Reveles,” Sunny muttered trying to keep her brother from worrying, which meant, “What exactly are we looking for?”

“It’s like Father said about fine art, we’ll know it when we see it,” Klaus replied.

“Iustum,” Sunny added, which meant, “I think we’re in the right place,” 

“Or the very, very wrong place,” Klaus pointed out.

“Accidit,” which meant, “it’s a coincidence, Klaus.” Sunny desperately tried to convince her brother of that although she didn’t believe it herself. 

“It could be Count Olaf,” he pointed out.

Before Sunny could reply, a man bumped into the two children. 

“Oh, hello,” the man said smiling down at the children. He had light brown hair, brown eyes, light skin, and a clean face. He wore a light tan suit and a pleasant smile on his face. “You must be the Baudelaire children!” He said as he gently took the suitcase out of Klaus’ grasp and shake his hand. 

“Yes. I’m Klaus Baudelaire and this is my sister, Sunny.” Klaus said shaking the kind-looking man’s hand.

“My name is Charles. I’m one of the owners of this Lumbermill and one of your new guardians.” Charles said as he shook Sunny’s tiny hand. “I must say I am excited to have you children here.”

Klaus quickly took out the photograph from his pocket and handed it to Charles. “Sorry, if I seem...eager. But I was wondering if you recognize any of these people? Particularly the happy couple in the middle.” Klaus said pointing at his parents.

Charles took a deep breath and looked at the children. “I...I think you better come and see my partner,” He said ushering the children to follow him as he carried their suitcase for them.

“Do you know what happened to the town?” Klaus asked as they walked through the lumbermill. 

“Well, it’s a sad story. Paltryville used to be booming. We had a world food market, two hot yoga studios, and there was even talk of a water part. The name Paltryville was a misnomer. Do you children know what that word means?” He asked kindly.

“Yes. It means a fake name,” Klaus replied as Sunny frowned muttering, “Ink,”

“Well, the one day, the whole town burned down in a terrible fire,” Charles frowned.

“We...we know how that feels,” Klaus muttered as he looked at Sunny, who was holding back tears.

“Luckily, the lumbermill survived and the eye-shaped building, which actually belongs to…” Charles began as he walked the children into a comfy looking office. “Oh, look, here we are.” Both children noticed that when they had entered the office that Charles became a bit skittish and nervous. “Uh, children, I’d like you to meet…”

“Call me Sir,” a booming voice from behind the children. Klaus turned so he and Sunny could get a better view of the man. He was quite short for a grown man, he was scarcely taller than Klaus (and that wasn’t saying much since Klaus was short for his age), dressed in a suit made of a very shiny dark-green material that made him look more like a reptile than a person. But what made the children stare was his face, or rather, the cloud of smoke that was covering his face. The man was smoking a cigar, and the smoke from the cigar covered his entire head. The cloud of smoke made the Baudelaire children very curious as to what his face really looked like, and you may be curious as well, but you will have to take your curiosity to your grave, for I will tell you now that the Baudelaire’s never saw this man’s face and neither did I and neither will you. “Everybody does, cause I tell ‘em to. I’m the boss. They have to do what I say, even my partner here.”

“But doesn’t ‘partner’ mean ‘equal’?” Klaus asked as Sunny looked at her brother with a judgemental look.

Charles gave a low chuckle and then turned from Sir to the Baudelaires. “Well, in fact, ‘partners’ can mean several things. It could mean ‘two people who own a lumbermill together’ or even a cupcakery. And now, with the advent of more progressive cultural mores, not to mention certain High Court rulings, it could also mean…” Charles began as Sir interrupted him.

“I do all the work, he irons my clothes,” Sir stated.

“I also cook your omelets!” Charles said defensively as he turned to Klaus. “The definitions are not mutually exclusive,” 

Klaus looked at his two guardians confused as Sunny looked up at him and said, “Duncan,” which was her way of saying, “They’re gay, Klaus. Isn’t it obvious.”

Klaus slowly nodded as Charles turned back to Sir. “I’m so happy you decided to adopt the Baudelaire children!” he exclaimed. “I am so excited to give them a loving, normative home.”

Klaus and Sunny smiled at the prospect of being raised in a loving environment, but their hope was shattered with one word.

“Nonsense!” Sir yelled. “I believe you should treat children like grown-ups. I’m going to put them to work in the mill. It’ll teach them responsibility. It’ll teach them the value of hard work. And it’ll teach ‘em how to make flat wooden boards out of trees.” 

“But, Sir…’ Charles began.

“Don’t argue with me!” Sir yelled at Charles.

“Excuse me?” Klaus asked confused. “Did you say  _ work  _ in the mill?”

“Yes. I expect you to be assiduous and diligent,” 

“But those words mean the same thing,” Klaus commented.

“Are you being smart with me, boy?” Sir asked in his booming voice.

“No…” Klaus said immediately. Sir was reminding him of Count Olaf, which was causing Klaus to become timid and mousey.

“You will live in the dormitory with the rest of the workers. It is located between the storage shed and the lumbermill itself,” Sir explained.

Sunny looked straight ahead depressingly. “Nolens,” she said, which meant, “But I don’t want to live between the storage shed and the lumbermill itself,” Klaus translated for her.

“Mr. Poe said we’d be  _ living  _ here, not  _ working  _ here,” Klaus explained. 

“Well, he must have not understood our agreement,” 

“What agreement?” Klaus asked.

“Well, I am being generous enough to offer you two children a deal,” Sir said, “I heard all about his Count Olaf fellow, who sounds like quite a jerk, and those odd-looking people who work for him. So when Mr. Poe called me, I worked out a deal. The deal is this: I will try to make sure that count Olaf and his associates never go anywhere near you, and you both will work in my lumbermill until you come of age and get all that money. Is that a fair deal?” 

The Baudelaire orphans looked at one another in utter disbelief. A fair deal, as everyone knows, is when both people give something of more or less equal value. Working for a mill for nearly five years in exchange for their  _ guardians  _ to  _ try  _ to keep Count Olaf away is an enormously unfair deal and both Baudelaire youngsters knew it.

“Fuck no!” Sunny yelled.

“You...you do know I’m twelve,” Klaus explained.

“So?” Sir asked as Charles frowned. 

“Sir,” Charles began, “You can’t be serious. A lumbermill is no place for small children to work.”

“Of course it is!” Sir yelled. “I’ve already explained what this experience would teach them,”

“But we can learn all of that by reading books!” Klaus protested as Sunny nodded her head in agreement.

“That’s true, Sir,” Charles replied. “They could live with us...they seem very well behaved, and I’m sure they wouldn’t cause trouble,”

“I am the boss! My word is law!” Sir yelled. “Besides there is no substitute for hard work!” 

Charles simply nodded skittishly towards his partner as he gave the Baudelaires a frown.

“ _ Please,  _ Sir,” Klaus pleaded. “At least let my baby sister stay in the dormitory. She’s only a baby. I’ll work for you until I come of age,” 

“I have offered you a very great deal,” Sir began. “As long as you stay within the gates of the Lucky Smells Lumbermill, this Count Olaf will not come near you. In addition, I’m giving you a place to sleep, a nice hot dinner, and some gum. And all you have to do in return is a few years’ work. That sounds like a pretty nice deal to me. Well, it was nice meeting you both. Unless you have any further questions, you’ll be going now.”

“I have a question,” Klaus said, although the truth of the matter is he had many questions. Most of them began with the phrase, ‘How can you.’ “How can you force two small children to work in a lumbermill?” was one of them. “How can you treat us so horridly, after all we’ve been through?” was another. “How can you stand to have a cloud of smoke covering your face?” or “How can you sleep with yourself at night knowing you’re almost as vile as a man like Count Olaf?” But none of these seemed like questions that were proper to ask, at least not out loud. So Klaus looked at his new guardian right in his cloud and asked, “Do you recognize any of these people in this photograph?” as he pulled out the picture once more showing Sir. He wasn’t sure if Sir could see through his cloud of smoke but he needed answers. 

“Oh...my,” Sir said as he took the photograph out of Klaus’ hand to examine it better. “It can’t be,” 

“Wait, do you know those people?” 

“Of course I do.” Sir said. “Every man, woman, and child in Paltryville knows the name “Baudelaire’.”

“Why? Did you know our parents? Do you know the other people in that photograph?”

“Ack!?” Sunny asked, which meant, “What’s with that eye-shaped building?” 

“I don’t understand what ‘ack’ means, but if you want to know about your parents, they…” Sir began as he started coughing.

“Sir?” Charles asked worriedly.

“Every time we’re about to get some answers! Come on,” Klaus yelled in frustration. “Seriously!?”

“It’s these cigars. I hate the things, but I can’t quit smoking ‘em. I’m the boss.” Sir explained. “Now where was I… Oh yeah. There’s a reason this town will  _ never  _ forget your parents... _ they’re the ones who burnt it down.”  _

Klaus took a deep breath as Sunny whimpered. Charles looked at Sir disappointingly but didn’t say anything.

“Our parents did what?” Klaus asked his voice breaking as Sunny looked at Sir in disbelief.

“I’m an important man, boy! Don’t make me repeat myself! They burned down the town!” Sir yelled. “They’re...ummm...not anywhere nearby, are they?”

“Sir...they’re orphans. That’s why we adopted them…” Charles explained.

“How did they die?” Sir asked.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another. Sunny shook her head indicating to her brother that she didn’t have the strength to say it.

With tears slowly forming in his eyes, Klaus looked at both his new guardians and cried, “They...died in a fire…” 

“Good,” Sir said simply as Charles just stared at him. Klaus wiped tears from his eyes, holding Sunny tighter. Sunny shook her head not believing a word Sir was saying. “What goes around comes around. It’s a terrible thing, starting a fire.”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another utterly speechless.

“Why are you still standing there?! You got work to do in the morning,” Sir said ushering the two Baudelaires out of his office. 

Klaus took his suitcase back from Charles and took the photograph back from Sir. He didn’t notice the small smile that Charles was giving to him or Sunny, because both Baudelaires were broken inside. They didn’t want to believe that their parents would do some so wicked but they weren’t sure what to believe seeing that their parents had kept so many secrets from them. As Klaus walked his way to the dormitory, carrying Sunny, both Baudelaires didn’t speak a word to each other pondering whether or not knowing or being oblivious was the better option after all. 


	42. The One Where Count Olaf Arrives In Paltryville

** _Chapter Forty-One:_ **

_ The One Where Count Olaf Arrives In Paltryville_

Klaus trudged along the lumber mill carrying his baby sister miserably. He didn’t want to stay here. He didn’t want Sir and Charles to be his guardians and he didn’t want to work alongside Sunny in a lumbermill for the next five to six years. But most of all he didn’t want to believe that his parents were arsonists.

He stopped short of the dormitory and looked down at Sunny. “I don’t want to live between the storage shed and the lumber mill itself,” he whined looking at his new home.

Sunny nodded her head in agreement. The children went a few moments in complete silence staring from each other to the dormitory. Sunny looked at her brother with a puzzled expression as he began to smile.

“Huh?” Sunny asked. 

“Well...think of it like this. The good news is Count Olaf will arrive soon, fuck everything up and we’ll get to leave.” Klaus said happily looking back at the eye-shaped building.

“Good?” Sunny asked. 

“Yeah. This time when he arrives, his dumb ass will be _ helping _us.” 

“Uh-huh,” Sunny said looking worriedly at her brother. She didn’t know why he wanted Olaf to show up but it didn’t matter. Deep down Sunny Baudelaire knew that her brother was right. Olaf would show up soon and fuck everything up, forcing the children to relocate again. Sunny’s never been to school, but she imagined it would be better than working in a lumber mill. 

Klaus sighed as he entered the lumber mill’s dormitory. If he were to be honest, he didn’t necessarily want Olaf to show up in their lives again but if there were ever a time where he’d be less annoyed about it, it’d be now. Klaus didn’t want to work in this lumber mill in exchange for his guardians to try to keep him and his sister safe. He knew that eventually, Olaf would find them, he’d be in a new ridiculous disguise to kidnap Klaus and Sunny to gain their fortune. He just couldn't help but hope that it would happen sooner rather than later. Klaus took one last look back at the eye-shaped building frowning. He didn’t know how to feel about Olaf eventually showing up. He _ was _partially serious when he said that it’d be good news. This place already sucked. He wanted to try his luck at school. 

The children entered the dorm with everyone staring at this with either glare or a face full of disappointment. The room was filled with bunk beds, standing in rows and rows on a cement floor. Sitting or lying down on the bunks were an assortment of people, men, and women, who were looking at the children with tired faces covered in sawdust. The whole place had a damp smell, a smell rooms get when the windows have not been opened for quite some time. Of course, in this case, the windows had never been opened because there weren’t any windows at all. Although the children could see that somebody had taken a ballpoint pen and drawn a few windows on the gray cement walls. The window drawings somehow made the room even more pathetic and the Baudelaire orphans felt a lump in their throats just looking at it. 

The Baudelaire orphans stood there awkwardly in the middle of the walkway. After a few moments, a confused-looking man whose clothes were covered in sawdust. He stared at them for quite sometime before speaking. 

“How do you do?” Klaus muttered confused as to why everyone was staring at him and Sunny. “I’m Klaus and this is my sister, Sunny.”

The confused-looking man looked at Klaus and Sunny for a mere second. A smile appeared across his face as he laughed cheerily. “Are you sure you are in the right place?”

Sunny nodded as Klaus said, “Unfortunately, yes. We live here now.”

The man scratched his head, and the Baudelaires watched sawdust fall out of his messy gray hair. “You’re going to live here, at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill?”

“Yep!” Sunny said. 

“We’re apparently going to work here too,” Klaus added.

“You’re going to work here? Children, working in a lumbermill is a very difficult job. Trees have to be stripped of their bark and sawed into narrow strips to make boards. The boards have to be tied together into stacks and loaded onto trucks. I must tell you that the majority of people who work in the lumber business are grown-ups. But if the owner says you’re working here, I guess you’re working here. You’d better come have some dinner.” The man took Klaus’ suitcase from his hand, ushering the children to follow him. “My name is Phil, by the way. Would you two prefer two separate bunks or are you okay with sharing?” 

“We prefer to share,” Klaus said following Phil towards an empty bunk, still feeling super uncomfortable since everyone was still staring at him and Sunny. 

“Does a bottom bunk suit your preference?” Phil asked as Klaus nodded. Phil put the children’s luggage on top of the bunk. “Through that door is the bathroom and down that hallway over there is the kitchen. Those tables over there are where we usually eat our dinner.” Phil explained. “I’ll give you a minute to unpack.”

Phil disappeared towards the kitchen leaving the children alone in the room of unfriendly faces. Klaus awkwardly made his way to one of the tables with Sunny awaiting their dinner. 

That night in the lumbermill workers’ dorm, the Baudelaires sat in silence and pondered what they heard from Sir, and the weight of it felt like it had aged them a hundred years. 

“Did you hear about the new recruits? They’re _ Baudeliares.” _one of the men said.

“I hear their folks were arsonists,” another worker said.

“I hear they checked out library books and never returned them,” another said.

“No, I believe that was the Snicket lad,” the first man replied.

“Ah! You’re right. Weren’t they the ones that disregarded all traffic laws?” 

“No, you’re thinking of the Snicket girl,” the first man replied.

“Are you sure? I could’ve sworn…”

“Didn’t they burn ants with a magnifying glass,” a woman asked from across the room.

“No, you’re thinking of that foul man with the horrid stench. What was his name again?”

“I don’t remember. But didn’t he date the Snicket girl?”

“Are you sure they’re not Snickets? Didn’t the Snicket lad have a thing for…” 

“Who cares! We’re talking about those blasted Baudelaires! You know the ones who drank from the skulls of chupacabras!”

“You mean they drank from baby skulls like chupacabras,”

“I know what I heard.”

Klaus slammed his hand on the table as hard as he could, trying to get everyone’s attention. Several of the workers turned towards the Baudelaires. “That’s ridiculous! Did _ any _of you actually meet our parents?” Klaus asked.

“I think Jimmy did,” 

“Norma Rae is here longer,” Jimmy said.

“Don’t look at me, Look at Cesar,” Norma Rae muttered.

Klaus rolled his eyes. “Do you know anything about what happened to this town.”

“We’re not allowed to talk about it,” Cesar replied.

“It’s too terrible...also we don’t know,” Jimmy added.

“Fuisse!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “Then you shouldn’t be spreading rumors!” Klaus was quick to translate for her. 

Phil came back into the room with two plates of bland beef casserole. “I never believed those rumors anyway,” Phil said as he smiled down at the Baudelaires. The children gave him small smiles in return but they could still feel people staring at them. “So where are your parents now?”

Klaus looked down at Sunny, who looked away wiping her tears away. “...we’re orphans,” 

“Lucky you!” Phil said cheerfully. “The unsupervised life? No rules, no curfews!” 

As Phil said this, a voice from an intercom shouted, “Lights out!” as the dormitory’s lights went out as the children were still eating their dinner.

“But...it’s only six o’clock,” Klaus pointed out frowning.

“Oh, boy! More time for dreaming,” Phil said laughing. “I’m so excited to work with you kids.”

“Thank you,” Klaus said frowning.

Phil glanced at both Baudelaire orphans, smiling at each of them. “Listen, I..I know things seem dark. But you have to look on the bright side. So your parents burned down towns. You don’t have to be like your parents. My parents were Olympic athletes and look at me, I work in a lumbermill.”

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another skeptically. From Phil’s words, the Baudelaires could tell that their new coworker was an optimist, a word which here means, ‘person who thinks hopeful thoughts about even the bleakest situation’. For example, if an optimist were to have his right arm bitten off by an alligator, he might say, ‘Oh, boy, half-priced manicures for life.’ Whereas the rest of us would say, ‘Ah, my arm!’ Now, ‘optimist’ is not to be confused with ‘optometrist’, a word meaning ‘healthcare professional who performs eye exams’. Although, I must warn you...both can be dangerous.

“By the way…” Klaus said, “What is the owner’s name? Nobody will tell us.”

“I don’t know,” Phil said laughing. “He doesn’t visit the dormitory very often. Does anybody here remember the owner’s name?” Phil asked the other workers, who either shook their heads or ignored Phil entirely.

“You mean, you never talk to him?”

“We never really see him. He lives in a house across from the storage shed and only comes around the lumber mill for special occasions. We see Charles here and there sometimes. We also see the foreman every day.”

“Teruca?” sunny asked, which meant, “What’s a foreman?”

“A foreman,” Klaus explained, “is someone who supervises workers. Is he nice, Phil?”

“He’s okay,” Phil replied. “I don’t really like to judge people.”

Klaus sighed as Sunny began biting down on her silverware out of boredom. 

“Who wants a welcome packet?” Phil asked handing the children a packet each.

While they pored over the dense contents of their welcome packets and poked at dense beef casserole with their welcome spoons, the Baudelaires faced their first night in Paltryville with some attempted optimist of their own.

“Look! Book!” Sunny said pointing at the map, which meant, “The mill has a library.” She looked up at her brother, “Sherlock,” she said, which meant, “Maybe you can research what happened here and clear our parents’ names.”

“Uh-huh,” Klaus said frowning. “And a lumber mill must have a lot of things for you to bite, Sunny.” 

Both children looked at the map when they saw the familiar insignia on the map.

“Eye?” Sunny asked, which meant, “What does it say the eye-shaped building is?” 

“Optimist’s office...I mean, optometrist’s office.” Klaus explained. “Father always said he didn’t trust either. But what does an optometrist’s office have to do with Count Olaf?”

“Accidit,” Sunny pointed out, which meant, “Maybe Phil was right. We should look on the bright side. Maybe the eye is just a coincidence, Klaus.”

“But…”

“No Olaf,” Sunny said, which meant, “This mill may be miserable and fucking horrible, but we haven’t seen a sign of Count Olaf at all.”

“I have my doubts,”

“Denouement,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Maybe we’ve finally found a safe place where Count Olaf won’t find us.”

Klaus sighed but finished his dinner quietly. He didn’t want to argue with Sunny but there was something off about this town, he just couldn’t put his finger on it. As Klaus and Sunny laid down in their shared bunk, both children laid in the dark silently pondering their new lives. Both of them tried to be as optimistic as Phil was. But try as they might, none of their thoughts turned out pleasant or hopeful. They thought of doing hard work in the lumber mill, getting sawdust all over them and being bossed around by a foreman. They thought of the eye-shaped building outside the wooden gate. And most of all, they thought of their parents, their poor parents who have been blamed for a heinous crime and whom they missed so much and whom they would never see again. They thought as Klaus tossed and turned in their shared bunk and Sunny whimpered as quietly as she can, as to not disturb her older brother. They tried and tried to see a shining light in their unhappy circumstances, but as I’m sure you knew already, there wasn’t a single optimist in the Baudelaire bunk. 

I wish I could say that Sunny Baudelaire was right when she said that Count Olaf was nowhere near and that the eye-shaped building was just a mere coincidence, but Klaus had asked his sister the wrong questions. The question that he should’ve been asking was where does Count Olaf’s ex-girlfriend work?

___________________________________________________________________

Count Olaf made his way to the front door of the eye-shaped building. He quickly tried his best to fix his appearance, although I must say, it didn’t help at all whatsoever. He knocked on the front door relentlessly. 

“Who is it?” a bitter voice called out finally. Olaf wasn’t sure what he was hearing from the other side of the door but it sounded like darts hitting a wall. 

“I’m looking for Dr. Orwell,” he replied in the nicest tone he could muster.

“Um who’s calling, please?” the voice asked nervously. 

“I’m just an old friend,” 

“Um, Dr. Orwell’s not here right now. And she doesn’t have any old friends,” she called out frantically

“Ah, but this is an old friend who severely regrets his actions,” 

“Really?” Dr. Orwell replied in a suspicious tone. 

“Yes. He’s brokenhearted, and he wants very much to forget the whole thing,” Olaf replied in a sweet, convincing tone.

“So he isn’t just knocking on Dr. Orwell’s door because _ he needs something for himself _?” Dr. Orwell asked still suspicious of Olaf’s intentions.

Olaf glared at the front door and gave a low growl before chuckling nervously. “No! He’s just in town, looking for Dr. Georgina Orwell, in hopes of somehow making things right! Because life is so short, it is so rare to meet, to find someone who shares one’s brilliance, one’s charm, one’s dubious moral code in a world gone gloriously wrong. Such people must stick together like comrades, like partners---,” Olaf began as Dr. Orwell opened the front door just enough to get a look at the man. “Ah, you’ve changed your hair,” he commented.

“Olaf,”

“Georgina,” 

“I swore I would _ never _let you darken my door again. I took a solemn oath that my office would be closed to you forever, even during my regular business hours.” Dr. Orwell replied shaking her head.

“You’re not still mad about whatever it is I did?” Olaf asked.

“You left me to drown!” Orwell exclaimed.

“Water under the bridge!” 

“That’s where you left me.” She said unamused.

“Are you sure that was you?”

“Sorry, I have my own life now. With my own evil scheme which I’ve put a lot of work into and I don’t need you ruining, like that bar mitzvah.” Orwell replied trying to close the door in Olaf’s face. 

Quickly he stuck his shoe in the way and looked up at Orwell. “What if I told you we had _ another _chance to destroy the Baudelaires?”

Orwell’s face lit up, she turned to Olaf, pausing to stare at him to see if he were telling the truth. “The Baudelaires?” she asked.

“Well, their miserable children this time.” He said rolling his eyes. “Fate has brought us together, again. Fate and _ fortune _.” 

“How big of a fortune are we talking?” Orwell asked as she opened the door for Olaf. Olaf just gave a wicked smile and began to laugh maniacally.

"Tell me, Georgina, do you still have little _hobby _of yours?" Olaf asked his eyes shining as a smile plastered on his face.

Georgina looked at him confused. "Of course, I do...why?"

Olaf began laughing again. "I think you're going to enjoy my plan."

_____________________________________________________________________

After tossing and turning for the umpteenth time, Klaus sighed. “Sunny, are you awake.”

Sunny nodded her head and turned to face her brother. “Okay?” she asked concerned. She knew that since the Baudelaires’ stay with Olaf, Klaus had become prone to nightmares.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Why?” she asked, which meant, “Then why’d you ask if I was awake?”

“What Sir said about our parents...you don’t think it could be true.”

“No!” she replied.

“Then you agree what we have to do…” Klaus began. 

“Yes,”

At the same time as Sunny said, “liquet,” which was her way of saying, “Clear their names”, Klaus said, “Get out of here.”

After hearing his sister’s response, he looked at her. “Wait, what?”

“Responsa,” She replied, which meant, “If we clear their names, maybe we can finally get some answers.”

“Maybe they wouldn’t want us here,” Klaus said.

“Solus,” she replied angrily, which meant, “Then they shouldn’t have left us alone,”

“Sunny...you know that’s not what they did.” 

Sunny glared at Klaus and then frowned. “Sorry,” she muttered.

“This isn’t their fault,” Klaus told her. 

“Cautus,” Sunny replied, which meant, “I understand you’re just being cautious...but I don’t think we should run away. _ You’re _ the one who said that our answers were _ here. _So we should stay and figure it out.”

Klaus frowned. “I guess...we’re not seeing eye to eye,” As he turned away from Sunny to hide his tears.

“Miss,” she said, which meant, “I wish they were here…”

“I do too,” 

“Shit,” Sunny replied, which meant, “I don’t like this shitty place either. But staying is the best way to find out what our parents were hiding,” 

“No, the best way to find out would be to ask them,” Klaus whimpered. “But we never can,” 

The Baudelaires slowly fell asleep with their backs turned on each other. Both regretting the day they will have tomorrow on their first day at work. Both children hoped that working at a lumber mill would be easier than they expected and easier than how Phil had described but they had their doubts. They didn’t know if they would survive working here for a little over five more years.


	43. The One Where the Baudelaires Are Put to Work

** _Chapter Forty-Two:_ **

_ The One Where the Baudelaires are Put to Work _

That day, Violet Snicket was relieved that her father had finally arrived home, although, she didn’t say much to him. She was afraid if she started a conversation with him she would start asking about VFD and his involvement. She would ask him a million questions and expect answers to each one. But she couldn’t, not yet at least, she needed to compile every scrap of evidence she could before she questioned him. Why? Because she feared that  _ after  _ she interrogates him, he will make learning VFD information a lot harder than it already is. She wasn’t going to let that happen.

Violet sat across from her father as they both silently ate. You could cut the tension between the two of them with a knife. 

“You okay, sweetie?” Lemony asked after a while of the awkward tension. 

“Hmm mmm,” Violet said not really saying anything to her father.

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah. Just glad you’re home.” Violet muttered rolling her eyes. “Finally,”

“Honey…” Lemony began.

“I know, you’re just doing your job. Putting food on the table.” 

Lemony frowned. He didn’t know what was wrong with his daughter and why she was so moody. Violet didn’t look up at him, afraid that she’d crack under pressure. Neither of them said anything for another couple moments of pure tense silence.

“So have you found her?” Violet asked.

“Huh?”

“My mother? Have you found her yet? Are you even close? Have you even bothered since the last time I asked?” She asked impatiently.

Lemony was taken aback by his daughter’s tone, he sighed and nodded his head in response.

“Really?” She asked not believing a word he was saying. “Can you explain what you’ve learned?”

“Violet…”

“Well…?”

He sighed again. “I rather not get your hopes up,”

“Of course not. Makes sense,” Violet replied in the same impatient tone as before. She absolutely hated how he had a lie ready at his disposal. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yep. Definitely.” 

He frowned. He knew this was a lie. He knew his daughter more than she would like to admit. That’s what happens when you’ve lived with just one other person for their entire life. He didn’t understand why she was in a mood though. Was it because she desperately wanted to learn about her birth mother or was it because he was absent more often these days. His stay at Lake Lachrymose had gone on longer than he had anticipated at first. But what could he have done? He had to help the Baudelaires. Maybe he should’ve called her and allowed her to know that he was fine. 

He opened his mouth to say something but as he did, the phone rang. Both Snickets looked at the phone. Lemony stood up before Violet had a chance to. “I got it,” he said as she rolled her eyes. He took the phone and went into the other room.

“Yes, Jacquelyn.” He answered knowing damn well who was on the other end of the phone call.

“Now, how’d you know it was me?” 

“You’re the only person who calls,” 

“Damn. That’s truly sad, Snicket. You should get out more.”

“Ha. Funny,” Lemony replied in a sarcastic tone as he rolled his eyes. “So...let me guess Olaf is after the kids again.”

“When isn’t he?” 

“Good point,” Lemony muttered. “What do we know about his plan this time?”

“Nothing. We just know he has found them,” 

“How the fuck is he getting this information before me?”

“Honestly, that’s something I’d like to know,” Jacquelyn replied annoyed. “I mean I work for the man who takes them to their guardians and he somehow knows before me…”

“You don’t think Poe works for him, do you?”

“No...no...the man is incompetent but definitely not evil.”

“Now are you sure?” Lemony asked.

“Yes. It would take a  _ functioning brain _ to pull that off,” Jacquelyn pointed out laughing.

“Okay. Good point.” Lemony said convinced. “So where are they now?”

“Paltryville,”

“Of course…” 

“Why do you say it like that?” Jacquelyn asked concerned.

“...I’m not welcomed in Paltryville...for several reasons. One is that they think I helped start a certain fire,” 

“Ah. Should I send myself or Larry.” 

“No!” Lemony cried panicked. “No offense, but the last time that I allowed you to send yourself to the Baudelaires’ location, Dr. Montgomery died. And the last time Larry beat me to their location, he was kidnapped by Olaf and he could’ve been killed.”

“Are you going to keep using Dr. Montgomery’s death against me?” 

“Yes. Until you can explain to me why disguising yourself as a fucking statue was a good idea I am going to use that against you.”

“Suit yourself, Snicket,” Jacquelyn said. “You’ll need to get on the next train to Paltryville.”

Lemony looked to Violet who wasn’t paying attention. “Ummm…” he said. “I’m gonna need a day or two,” 

“What?” 

“I have an a...prior commitment. I have to...ummmm...research something. Shouldn’t take me long,”

“But the Baudelaires…”

“They’re resourceful kids,” Lemony said immediately. “They can survive a day or two without me.”

“If you’re sure, Snicket,” Jacquelyn said after sighing. “Just let me know if you want me to go for you...cause I can.”

“Again...no. Stop suggesting that,” Lemony said chuckling a bit. “Just keep me updated if you can. Surely there’s a VFD agent in Paltryville that can give us information.”

“Doubtful,” 

“Just give me a day or so,” Lemony said as Jacquelyn bid him goodbye.

Lemony walked back over to Violet. “You know what, I’m sorry. You’re right,” 

“What?” she asked confused.

“I haven’t made looking for your mother a priority in the last couple of weeks. That’s going to change.” He said as he watched her eyes light up. “I am going to find her, Violet. I promise.” He said.

As he watched a smile appear upon his daughter’s face, he could feel a ping of guilt in his heart. He knew that eventually, he would have to explain to Violet what had happened to her mother. When he told her that he was going to find her, what he meant was that he was going to figure out who stole Beatrice from Violet forever. He didn’t want to drop this piece of information on his daughter without closure. He didn’t want her to wonder who would kill her mother. He wanted to be able to have all the answers to every question she would have about her mother’s death. So he had decided to take the next day to focus on figuring out the exact cause of the Baudelaire fire. 

_____________________________________________________________________

Morning is an important time of day because how you begin your morning can often tell you what kind of day you’re going to have. If you wake up to a breakfast made by your father, your day will probably be decent. If you wake up in a mansion to a butler serving you blueberry pancakes and freshly squeezed orange juice, your day will probably be wonderful. Now if you wake up in a lumber mill to the sound of metal pots banging together, you know your day will be horrid.

You and I, of course, cannot be too surprised that the Baudelaire orphans’ first day at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill was a horrid one. The Baudelaire orphans did not expect a nice, hot breakfast or a butler, especially after their dismaying arrival. But never in their most uneasy dreams did they expect the cacophony that awoke them.

“Get up, lumber workers! This is your new foreman, and you’ve got a new shipment of logs to turn into flat wooden boards!” A rough voice yelled over the loudspeakers. 

“What’s that horrible noise?’ Klaus asked groggily. 

“Tympana,” Sunny muttered, which meant, “It sounds like someone banging metal pots together…” 

“Get up, you lazy, smell things!” the foreman’s voice yelled. “Time for work, everybody!”

The children sat up and rubbed their eyes. All around them, the employees of the Lucky Smells Lumbermill were stretching and covering their ears at the sound of the pots. Phil, who was already up and making his bunk neatly, gave the Baudelaires a tired smile. 

“I believe everyone has a good side. But I have to admit, our last foreman was a lot nicer,” Phil commented to the children.

“What happened to your last foreman?” Klaus asked wearily. 

“Must’ve quit in the middle of the night,” Phil said cheerfully. “It happens a lot around here,” 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another uneasily. 

“Hurry up! It’s log day!” the foreman’s voice yelled.

“I hate log days,” a mill worker muttered.

As the children followed Phil and the other workers across the dirt-floored courtyard to the lumber mill, which was a dull gray building with many smokestacks sticking out of the top. The two children looked at one another nervously. Except for one summer day, back when their parents were alive, when the Baudelaire siblings had opened a small lemonade stand in front of their house, the orphans had never had jobs, and they were quite nervous. 

The Baudelaires walked closely next to Phil into the lumbermill and saw that it was all one huge room, filled with enormous machines. Klaus looked at a shiny steel machine with a pair of steel pinchers like the arms of a crab and hoped that he wouldn’t be asked to handle it. Sunny examined a machine that looked like a big cage, with an enormous ball of string trapped inside, and tried to think of what a machine like that could be used for. Both children stared a rusty, creaky-looking machine that had a circular saw-blade that looked quite jagged and fearsome. Sunny wondered if the saw was sharper than her teeth, while Klaus anxiously tried to remember anything and everything he had read about lumber mills. 

All the while, the noise from all of the machines were starting to disturb Klaus. Klaus began to whimper a little as he put his hands over his ears and winced in pain. “It’s too loud in here,” he said to Sunny as Sunny nodded her head at her brother. 

“Now grab a debarker and start debarking!” the foreman yelled from his booth. The foreman wore a gas mask that completely covered his face, which seemed odd to the children. He also wore a stained uniform that completely covered his arms and legs, Klaus suspected it was to cover up a certain tattoo. Sunny noticed that his shoes had been taped shut instead of being tied, which seemed rather unusual for anyone to do. The foreman turned his head towards the children. “You too, lumber midgets!” 

“We’re not midgets...we’re children,” Klaus replied as he stood in line with Sunny to get a debarker.

“Children, midgets, do I care?” The foreman said in a muffled voice. 

“Oh, I love log days!” Phil exclaimed.

Klaus took a debarker from the dispenser and looked down at it. “I don’t think this is safe for even me to be handling,” he said cautiously to Sunny.

“Bite!” she exclaimed, which probably meant, “That’s okay. I don’t need one. I’ll just bite the logs.” 

As the children followed the other workers around one of the trees, Phil showed Klaus how to use his debarker. He began scraping it against the tree, filing the bark off like you would file your nail. Klaus nodded and tried to imitate Phil’s actions. 

Even though Phil had described the rigors of working at the mill, it had certainly sounded difficult. But seeing that he was an optimist, he still sugar-coated just how difficult the job would be, so the actual work turned out to be much, much worse. For one thing, the debarkers were adult-sized and it was difficult for Klaus to use it. He could scarcely lift it and even when he could lift up to the tree, he had to push with all his might to get it to file the bark from the log and even then only tiny pieces of bark would fall from the tree. He was in a mixture of jealousy and amazement as Sunny climbed atop the log and began to saw away at the bark with her teeth. She made it look so easy. 

To the Baudelaires’ misfortune, once a tree was finally cleared of bark, there would be another tree waiting for them. Which meant they would have to start this process over and over again. But if you asked the Baudelaires what was the worst thing about working at the lumber mill would be the deafening noise. Since Klaus had to use two hands to move his debarker against the wood, he had absolutely no way of blocking all the terrible noises from his eardrums. So the entire time he felt overstimulated and he continued to wince in discomfort. He longed for a break so he can go outside and maybe get a few minutes of peace and quiet. Finally, as the children finished their third log (noticing that all the other groups of workers were at least on their fourteenth log), the foreman began shouting over the loudspeaker. “Lunch break! Lumber slowpokes!” 

Klaus grabbed his baby sister and sat down where the rest of the workers were sitting. He started picking pieces of wood out of his sister’s hair noticing that she was completely covered in sawdust. He could only imagine how terrible he looked as he began to ruffle his hair in hope of getting all the sawdust out.“I hate log days,” Klaus muttered to Sunny as one of the mill workers replied, “Told ya!” 

“Otii!” Sunny replied, which meant, “We finally get a break.”

“Lunch break! Five minutes!” the foreman yelled as he threw two pink squares at the children. Klaus somehow caught it and looked down at the small pink square that was in his hands.  
“It’s gum...this is gum!” he shouted not believing his eyes. “Gum isn’t _lunch! _Gum isn’t even a _snack!_” 

“Tanco!” Sunny yelled in agreement, which meant, “And babies shouldn’t even have gum, because they could choke on it!” Klaus was quick to translate.

“You’d better eat your gum,” Phil said, moving over to sit next to the two children. “It’s not very filling, but it’s the only thing they’ll let you eat until dinnertime.” 

“Can’t we use our wages to buy some sandwiches?” Klaus asked still staring at the two pink squares in his hands.

Phil began to chuckle a bit. “Kiddo, we’re not paid in wages. We’re paid in coupons.”

“I got one for 20% off a shampoo at Ed’s Haircut Palace,” one mill worker replied.

“I got a free refill of iced tea,” another replied.

“I got ‘Buy two banjos, get one free’. Of course, I can’t buy any banjos ‘cause I don’t have any money. Just coupons.” a third mentioned.

“That...that can’t be legal,” Klaus replied in utter disbelief.

“It’s not like we have a constitution,” Phil replied.

“If this place is so miserable, why don’t you leave?” Klaus asks. 

All at once, like zombies or brainwashed members of a cult, the mill workers stood up and in a monotone chant, they replied, “Lucky Smells is our life. Lucky Smells is our home.” They sat back down as if nothing they had just done was out of the ordinary. Klaus looked down at Sunny with a worried face. 

“We need to find those answers and run away,” he said as Sunny nodded.

“Book!” she replied, which probably meant, “Didn’t the mill have a library?”

Klaus nodded his head as he picked Sunny up and walked out of the noisy mill into the peacefully quiet courtyard. During the walk to the mill's library, he couldn’t help but ponder just how terrible Sir was. What kind of man forces two small children to work in a lumber mill? What sort of man would hire a dickhead like the foreman? What sort of man would pay his employees in coupons or feed them only gum? But his biggest question was the same as the one he had asked Mr. Poe before they were even dropped off here which was how is a lumber mill a suitable home for two children? With each step, the children raised small clouds of dirt that matched the clouds of dread that continued to hang over them ever since their parents had died. Their bodies ached from the morning’s work and they had an uneasy feeling in their empty stomachs. As they guessed from the way their day began, the two children were having a bad day and I hate to inform you that although the Baudelaires believed it couldn’t get any worse. They were entirely wrong. Because it can get so much worse...and it did.

Finally, the two children reached the building that contained Sir’s office and Charles’ library. Klaus noticed a mirror hanging on the wall and peered in it frowning. Both children looked tired and hungry. Both children’s hair and uniforms were covered in small pieces of bark and sawdust. Klaus’ glasses were hanging askew from leaning over logs all morning and Sunny had pieces of wood stuck in her four teeth. Both children frowned and noticed a painting of a seashore that hung behind them, which made them feel about ten thousand times worse because the seashore will always remind them of that terrible, terrible day when the two siblings went to the beach and soon received the news from Mr. Poe that their parents had died and they were all alone in this world. The children stared at their own reflections and the depressing painting behind them, and it was almost unbearable for either of them to think about everything that had happened to them since that day. 

“You know, if someone had told  _ me,”  _ Klaus cried, “ that day at the beach, that before long I’d find myself pursued by a greedy, evil man named Count Olaf, I would have said they were insane.”

“Wora,” Sunny replied softly, which meant, “If someone had told  _ me,  _ that day at the beach, that before long I’d find myself using my four teeth to scrape the bark off trees because I was now  _ working  _ in a lumbermill, I would have said they were psychoneurotically disturbed.”

The dismayed orphans looked at their reflections and for several moments, the Baudelaires stood and pondered the mysterious way their lives were going. It wasn’t until Sunny pointed to a pair of closed doors muttering the word, “book,” that snapped Klaus back into reality. 

“You’re right, Sunny. According to the map, the mill library should be just behind...behind this door,” Klaus whispered as he touched the doors to open up. Just when he had placed a hand on the library door, a door behind the two children swung open.

“Trying to get out of log day, are you?” Sir’s booming voice asked. Klaus jumped in surprise and turned to see his guardians, one whose face was still entirely covered by a cloud of smoke and the other who was wearing an apron. 

“We wanted to visit the library on our lunch break, Sir.” 

“Oh! What a lovely idea!” Charles said smiling at the children, turning to Sir. “I told you a library would be good for morale,”

“Nonsense!” Sir yelled which cause both Klaus and Charles to flinch. “Lunch breaks are for chewing gum, not sneaking off to libraries! That’s why they only need five fucking minutes!”

“But, Sir…” Charles began.

“You’re not going to cause trouble for my mill, are you?”

“Trouble? I’m your partner.” Charles said in a saddened tone.

Sir turned to Charles. “I was speaking to the Baudelaires!” he said in a loud and annoyed tone.

“Right,” Charles muttered.

“Look here, boy, I took a chance treating you like grown-ups. Don’t make me regret it!” Sir yelled. 

“Puer!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “We never asked to be treated like grown-ups. If I recall correctly, we explained to you that we were  _ children! _ ” Klaus was quick to translate for his sister.

Sir growled under his breath. “ _ Get back to work!”  _

With that Sir turned and walked back into his office as Klaus and Sunny looked at Charles with desperate, pleading eyes. Charles gave the children a small frown as he slowly began to back up into the office. 

“You’ll have to excuse Sir. He recently cut down on his smoking,” Charles explained, even though, he knew deep down that was not a good enough excuse for why Sir was treating the Baudelaires so terribly.

“Do you know he feeds the workers gum and pays them in coupons!?” Klaus asks angrily. 

“Yes...well, I’ve tried to discuss  _ that. _ ” 

“Par!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “If you guys are  _ partners _ , you should be able to stand up to him!” Klaus translated for his sister.

“It’s complicated. I know Sir can be...prickly, but you have to understand, he had a very terrible childhood.” Charles explained as he grabbed ahold of the office doors and began to slowly close them.

Klaus glared at Charles and took a step closer to him as he thought about that horrible day at the beach again. “I understand,” Klaus said through gritted teeth. “ _ I’m having a very terrible childhood right now, _ ” he said his voice breaking.

Charles continued closing the office doors as he whispered, “okay.” Klaus just gave a look of utter disbelief at Charles’ lack of caring for the children.

Klaus and Sunny just stood there for a few moments before shaking their heads and walking back to the lumbermill. In the hours that followed as the two children worked and worked. Klaus had a pit in his stomach as he thought once again about the eye-shaped building. He was certain that Count Olaf was lurking nearby, like some predator waiting to pounce on the children while they weren’t looking. He tried his best to get a good look at every mill worker. It would have been simple for Olaf to get himself hired as an employee, and snatch the children away when Foreman Flacutono wasn’t looking. But although all the workers looked tired, sad, and hungry, none of them looked evil and greedy. As the orphans performed backbreaking labor, Klaus wondered if Count Olaf would use one of these scary-looking machines to somehow get his dirty hands on their parents’ money. He then thought of Foreman Flacutono and thought about just how odd his uniform was. No one else here was wearing a gas mask and although the mills’ green uniforms covered every inch of the workers’ arms and legs, they still weren’t as long and awkward as the foreman’s uniform. Klaus then remembered how a nice man, Kronk, had claimed to be from the Herpetological Society back when the children had lived with their Uncle Monty. Even though the man had been nice and helpful to the children, Klaus had always found it odd that he wore a beekeeper’s hat to conceal his face. He pondered whether or not Count Olaf could be doing that  _ now  _ but with a gas mask. 

“Penny?” Sunny asked as she sat up on the log staring at her brother, this meant, “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Huh?” Klaus asked confused.

“Cogitare,” Sunny replied, which meant, “You’re thinking something.” 

Klaus sighed and put down his debarker. “It’s the new foreman. Phil said he just showed up last night. What if he’s Count Olaf and being a foreman’s his new disguise?”

“Pessima,” Sunny replied annoyed, which meant, “He is cruel like Count Olaf, but Olaf runs a horrible theater troupe, not a lumbermill.”

“But isn’t it suspicious how we  _ never  _ see his face?” 

“Sir,” Sunny remarked.

“I already thought of that, Sir’s way too short to be Olaf in disguise.”

Sunny rolled her eyes at her brother unimpressed.

“...and we only hear his voice over the loudspeaker,” Klaus reasoned.

“Impellit,” Sunny remarked, which meant, “Probably because the mill is too noisy. It’s probably the only way anyone could ever hear him.”

“But…” Klaus cried.

“ _ Ludum! _ ” Sunny yelled impatiently, which meant, “ _ I know what you’re trying to do!”  _

“Keep us safe!” Klaus cried.

“Nos!” Sunny yelled impatiently rolling her eyes, which meant, “Find a reason to leave. And we can just as soon as we clear our parents’ names.”

“I don’t care about that!  _ I have to keep you safe!”  _ Klaus argued.

“Curam me!” she replied harshly, which meant, “Goddammit, Klaus! I don’t  _ need  _ you to keep me safe! I can handle my own pretty sure I’ve done enough to prove that! Worry about yourself!”

Klaus frowned and looked to the ground. “I...I...I need a new debarker,” he said sadly as he tossed his to the ground. Sunny shrugged her shoulders and went back to work. Klaus walked slowly away from his baby sister, wiping the tears from his eyes. Klaus turned back to make sure Sunny was okay, she seemed annoyed but content as she went back to biting the bark off the logs. Klaus walked towards the debarker machine but noticed that Foreman Flacutono was asleep in his booth with his left leg hanging out. Klaus took this opportunity and quickly walked up near the booth, slowly kneeling down to the ground. 

Ever so cautiously, Klaus gently grabbed the man’s pant leg and began to slowly pull it up. Praying that he didn’t wake the foreman. He just needed to see the man’s ankle. As Klaus pulled the pant leg up, the foreman began to move slightly in his sleep. Klaus held his breath, trying his best to not wake the man up. Before he could see the man’s left ankle, the foreman jerked awake as Klaus jumped up not making eye contact with him. 

“What are you doing, midget?” the foreman asked him angrily.

“I...I...I need a new debarker,” Klaus said in a low voice, nervously. still not making eye contact with the man, in fear that it was actual Olaf in disguise.

“Spoiled brat wants a new debarker? Old rust one isn’t good enough for him, eh?” The foreman asked in a patronizing tone. “They’re over  _ there,  _ rich boy.” as he moved his arm to gesture at where they were located. That was what caught Klaus’ attention, the foreman didn’t  _ point  _ with his finger, he used his arm to more or less point. Klaus watched confused as the foreman lowered his oddly stiff arm. 

“Wait…” Klaus said under his breath trying to figure out where he had seen this type of stiff arm before.

Before he could figure it out. He felt the foreman’s left foot give him a harsh, painful kick in the ass as he fell to the ground. His glasses slid off his face a few inches in front of him. He winced in pain as his mind scrambled to figure out what had happened.

The foreman walked in front of him and purposefully stepped on his glasses. “Whoopsie!” the foreman said in a mocking tone as he made his way back to the booth.

“Klaus!” Sunny yelled realizing her brother was on the floor. Phil looked up and noticed that Klaus was lying on the floor as well. He quickly grabbed Sunny and walked towards the boy. By the time Phil and Sunny reached him a small crowd of workers circled Klaus. This reminded him of when Olaf had both slapped him in the face and when Olaf had tortured him and his troupe just sat around and watched the show before them. He wiped a tear from his eyes as he looked up and saw a blurry blob that was small enough to be his sister. 

“Specks!” Sunny yelled as she reached her brother, picking up his glasses for him, which meant, “Your glasses...they’re…”

“Twisted,” 

“Cracked,” 

“Hopelessly broken,” 

“They look A-okay to me,” Phil commented giving Klaus two thumbs up.

Klaus put his broken glasses on his face and saw that his coworkers were correct. His glasses resembled a piece of modern sculpture that a friend of mine made a long time ago called  _ Twisted, Cracked, and Hopelessly Broken. _

“The foreman kicked me!” Klaus yelled angrily. “And then he stepped on my glasses!” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! How could I kick him when I’m up in this booth?” Foreman Flacutono replied. “It was probably karma,”

“See?” Sunny asked desperately.

“A little,” Klaus replied.

“He’ll live,” Foreman Flacutono replied.

“Fucker!” Sunny yelled at the foreman as Phil helped Klaus up. 

“Get back to work, midget,” 

“He can’t work if he can’t see!” Phil explained.

“Too bad for him,” 

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” Phil said calmly, “He needs an optometrist. A child could see that,”

“Not me,” Klaus said, “I can scarcely see anything.”

“Lucky for you, we’ve got a great optometrist right here in what’s left of our town,” 

The Baudelaires’ eyes got wide with panic. “You mean the eye-shaped building?” Klaus asked nervously.

“Oh yeah! Dr. Orwell treats all the workers. You probably saw the coupon in your welcome packet. I better get you there.” Phil said 

“No!” Sunny protested. “No take!” 

But Foreman Flacutono began banging his pots together as the other mill workers turned on the machines to finish the day’s work.

“That building has the mark of a bad, bad man!” Klaus pleaded as Phil dragged him away from Sunny.

“Yoryar!” Sunny begged crawling as fast as she could to stop Phil from taking her brother away from her, this meant, “Please don’t take him to that building!” But Klaus wasn’t able to translate because neither he or Phil could hear Sunny over the machines. Klaus gave Sunny a hopeful smile. 

“I’ll be fine!” he shouted to her. “Maybe I can find some answers!” 

“Same!” She yelled back.

The Baudelaire sister watched in horror as Phil led Klaus out of the mill. The whirring sounds continued all around Sunny, and Foreman Flacutono was now yelling at her to get back to work as he smacked his pots together. But that wasn’t the loudest sound that the younger Baudelaire orphan hared. Louder than the machine, louder than the pots, louder than the foreman’s yelling, was the sound of her own furiously beating heart as Phil took her big brother away.


	44. The One With Klaus' Optometrist Appointment

** _Chapter Forty-Three:_ **

_ The One With Klaus’ Optometrist Appointment _

Klaus Baudelaire struggled in Phil’s grip, begging and pleading with the friendly coworker to not take him to the eye-shaped building. Although Klaus was happy to be out of the noisy, overstimulating lumber mill, Klaus noticed that his heart was beating deafeningly loud as he and Phil got closer and closer to the eye-shaped building.

“I really shouldn’t leave Sunny alone,” Klaus pleaded.

“She’ll be fine, Klaus,” Phil reassured as he continued walking Klaus to the optometrist’s office.

_ I know she’ll be fine, but I’m worried about me! _ Klaus thought, frowning. Before he knew it, his body was beginning to shake in a bit of fear and panic. He tried to rationalize with himself. _ What are the odds that Olaf has been hiding here? _ He asked himself. He shook his head trying to calm himself down. Klaus had always been one to _ hate _doctor’s offices and hospitals. When Klaus was about six years old, his parents noticed that he was having trouble reading. He would put the book up to his face where you couldn’t tell if he was trying to read the book or smell it. He had also been clumsier than usual which worried both his parents. When the Baudelaire parents mentioned the prospect of Klaus having to get glasses, at first, the young six-year-old scholar was excited because he would look more like his father, a man that he was truly inspired by. Klaus even reached out to take his father’s glasses to put them on his face. His father let him chuckling at their son.

“Honey,” his mother said in a soft voice also giggling at the innocence of her only son. “You can’t just have your father’s glasses.”

“Why not? They fits,” he said as Bertrand’s glasses fell right off his nose into his lap. “Okay, they kinda fits,”

Bertrand laughed as Klaus tried to wear his father’s glasses again. “Daddy, I can’t see...everything is so foggy. They’re broken,” 

“That’s because those glasses are made especially for _ me, _” Bertrand explained. “There were made to work with my eye problems.”

Klaus nodded his head. “Well, where’s some ‘specially made for me?” He said looking around the room.

“They’re not here,” Beatrice explained. “You have to go to a special doctor to get them,”

Immediately, when Klaus heard the word doctor, he began to panic. “No...no...I’m fine mommy.” 

“Klaus,” 

“I’m fine mommy. I can see just like you,” 

“Now son, there’s nothing to be afraid of,” Bertrand began.

“I’m not ascared, daddy. I can see like mommy,” Klaus lied nervously.

“Klaus...it’s not good to lie,” Beatrice said giving her son a small smile.

Klaus shook his head. “But I’m not lying, mommy. I don’t need glasses like daddy, I can see like you.”

Bertrand and Beatrice looked at one another and gave a small chuckle. Bertrand picked up the book that Klaus was attempting to read. “Okay, if you’re not lying,” his father began.

“Read this aloud to us, sweetie,” Beatrice said.

Klaus looked nervously at both his parents and then at the book, he tried to take it out of his father’s hands. Beatrice nodded her head to Bertrand, telling him to let Klaus grab the book. Klaus set it in his lap and squinted his eyes as hard as he could, trying his best to figure out what the words were. He looked up again at his parents and began to cry. “I can’t do it,” Klaus cried pushing the book off his lap in frustration. “But I don’t want to go to a doctor,” 

“Honey, doctors aren’t scary...doctors are people who help you,” Beatrice tried to rationalize. 

“I don’t wanna go,” he whined.

Bertrand knelt down to his son’s level and looked him in the eyes. “Hey, I know it may seem a little scary. But do you know what a friend of mine once told me?”

Klaus shook his head in response. “Stay away from all dangers?” 

Bertrand and Beatrice both laughed at this. “No. He told me, ‘do the scary thing first and get scared later,” 

“Now, don’t you wanna be able to read again, honey?” Beatrice asked him. Klaus frowned but nodded his head in response. “Okay then, I’ll make an appointment for first thing in the morning.”

Klaus looked to both of his parents but nodded his head. That night instead of reading himself to sleep, his parents took turns reading to him until finally, he had fallen asleep. The next morning, he was even more anxious and terrified. 

During breakfast, he was subtly hinting at the fact that he didn’t need to go to the eye doctor anymore because he had given up reading. He tried explaining to his parents that bats were blind and didn’t need glasses, so he didn’t either. Beatrice laughed and explained to her son that bats being blind was a common myth and even if it wasn’t this logic would not apply to him because he was a human being, not a bat. He tried to rationalize with his parents all the way to the optometrist’s office. 

His parents were very patient with him and understood that he was scared. Before they entered the office. Beatrice took her young son’s hand, “Are you ready?” she asked looking down at him. 

“No…” he replied in a meek voice.

“Well, honey, if you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life,” Beatrice stated smiling a bit at the quote. “The sooner you get this over with, the better.”

Klaus nodded and followed his parents into the optometrist’s office. He sat on his father’s lap in the waiting room trying to mask his fear. But his parents could see how nervous and uneasy their son was. When Klaus’ name was called, the young boy started shaking slightly and begged his parents one last time to forget this whole thing. Bertrand picked up his trembling son and carried him into the office. “You know your mother and I would _ never _ allow _ anything or anyone _to hurt you, right?” Bertrand asked as Klaus first nodded his head, then buried his face in his father’s shoulder.

Klaus did not like this at all, he just wanted to go home. Klaus sat in the huge chair waiting for the doctor, he kept looking at his parents who were sitting alongside the wall smiling over at him.

“Sit here, please,” Klaus begged both of his parents pointing at his chair. His father smiled but got up and sat down in the chair placing Klaus on his lap. 

“You’re going to be okay,” he told Klaus as he held his son close. The doctor soon came in and smiled at the father-son duo. 

“So which one of you is Klaus?” the doctor asked smiling down at Klaus, already knowing the answer.

“I am,” Klaus replied in a meek voice.

“I see you’re following your father’s footsteps, aren't we?” 

Klaus nodded his head. 

“You know I usually don’t allow patients to sit on their fathers’ lap during the examination, but I think this time we can make an exception. How does that sound?” the doctor said as Beatrice gave her a thankful smile. “Just as long as your father doesn’t give you the answers to my questions.” the doctor looked up at Bertrand, who laughed. 

“Oh never. Here I tell you what,” Bertrand began as he took off his glasses, laughing happily. “Now there’s no question about it, I can’t see either,” he said handing his glasses to Beatrice.

“Thank you,” Klaus said to the doctor as Bertrand wrapped his arms around his son. 

The eye exam went better than both Klaus and his parents had expected. The doctor was kind and patient with her six-year-old nervous patient. She asked Klaus about books he had read and allowed him to info dump to her and she even explained to him what bedside manner meant. 

When it was all over, Klaus picked out a pair of glasses that were an exact replica of his father’s, he was so excited that he wanted to take his glasses home right then and there but the optometrist explained to Klaus that he would get his new glasses tomorrow. 

Klaus remembered that day like it was yesterday. He wanted his mother and father here with him. He didn’t want Phil, or Charles, or Sir. He wanted his parents. He_ needed_ his parents. But he knew that this was impossible. Neither one of his parents were coming back. It was just him and Sunny, and unfortunately, he didn’t have his baby sister with him.

“Here we are,” Phil said as he turned to Klaus. 

Klaus looked nervously up at the sign that hung from the door of the eye-shaped building. “In the book _ The Great Gatsby, _ there’s a famous sign shaped like a pair of eyeglasses,” Klaus info dumped on Phil.

“Does it represent an optometrist?” Phil asked.

“It represents the eyes of God staring down and judging society as a moral wasteland.” 

“Oh, that sounds like a fun book,” Phil said as he noticed Klaus’ nervousness. “Listen, I know going to the doctor can be scary. But doctors are your friends.”

Klaus gave Phil a skeptical look as Phil opened the office door, ushering Klaus inside.

Phil was wrong, of course. As anyone who’s been to a doctor knows, doctors are not necessarily your friends, any more than butchers, mail deliverers, refrigerator repair people, or bankers are your friends. I myself once got into a rather heated argument with an incredibly incompetent banker about his mistreatment and neglect of the young Snicket girl and the Baudelaire orphans. I wonder what happened to him after that...I really hope he got what was coming to him.

___________________________________________________

Sunny Baudelaire oftentimes used her size to her advantage. When her parents were still alive, Sunny and Klaus would play games of hide and seek. A game that Sunny usually won because she was so small and could hide in a numerous amount of spots that Klaus couldn’t. So after she was sure that the foreman had fallen back to sleep, she stealthily headed to the library. 

Sunny knew from her older brother and her parents that when starting any kind of research, a library was the best place to go because of its shelves of endless knowledge just at your fingertips. Usually, she would leave the research to her brother, but he was exploring the eye-shaped building, so she was going to tackle the library. She knew that it would be easier for her to sneak into the library anyway because she was so tiny, she doubted that Sir would see her from behind his big cloud of smoke. 

She knew she was on a time crunch, though. Because sooner or later, the foreman would wake up and notice that his infant worker was missing. She also knew she couldn’t be caught by Sir. Once she reached the library doors, she quietly opened it and crawled in. Leaving it partially open so she can see if Sir or even Charles were on to her. 

She sighed as she crawled around the room, glancing at every book on the bottom shelf of each bookcase. She noticed that each book’s spine looked similar to the one that it was sitting next to. She quickly grabbed one and looked at the cover. She couldn’t tell what it said exactly but as she grabbed another book and another and then another, she noticed that every book’s cover looked exactly the same. 

_ Who would want all of the same book? _ She asked herself. She flipped one over and noticed a picture of Sir. She rolled her eyes. _ Motherfucker. _She thought. Sunny was skeptical if this book would give any truth to the Baudelaires’ parents passed seeing that Sir wrote it. But she shrugged her shoulders. She carefully opened it and looked for pictures. She was looking for a picture of a fire. She was trying to remember what the word looked like. She wished her brother was here with her, that way she could be sure that she was reading the words right. It had been so long since the two Baudelaire siblings had a chance to snuggle and read each other to sleep. She frowned, she missed those days when she and Klaus weren’t worrying for their lives and being hunted down by a rat bastard. She also missed her parents, how her mother would grab her and spin her around in the air every time she learned a new word or how her father would take her from Klaus’ lap and recite a silly poem about an elephant to her explaining to her that she was his new little poetry buddy, because Klaus had become too old for their father’s whimsical moods. Sunny never understood that. Sunny cherished every moment she spent with her mother, father, and brother. She couldn’t fathom how Klaus claimed to be too old to let their father make him laugh like her father made her laugh. She sighed and continued to turn each page of the book slowly trying her best to skim the page. 

“Five-er,” she said out loud. She frowned, it didn’t sound right. She continued to whisper ‘fire’ until she was sure she was saying it right. She remembered when Mr. Poe had said it and all the times Klaus had said it. 

“Fire,” she said aloud smiling. “Mama!” she called out, briefly forgetting that her mother was dead and nowhere near her. She called out to her to tell her that she had learned a new word, but then reality began to kick in and Sunny slowly frowned. She looked around the empty library. Oh, how she wished her mother were here. She knew that her mother would have killed Olaf the very second that he slapped Klaus in the face. 

After what seemed like forever turning pages, she came across a page that made her eyes wide. She was sure that she was reading the word ‘fire’ but she wasn’t completely certain. She noticed that on the same page, the number twelve was written there. She knew what this number looked like from Klaus’ last birthday where her parents tried to make bread pudding, which Sunny remembered tasting sour and awful. They had put two candles on a small birthday cake that they had bought for Klaus at the last minute after the bread pudding was a disaster. Sunny frowned. She hoped by the time Klaus’ next birthday rolled around, that the two siblings would be safe and happy away from all of Count Olaf’s treachery. One could only hope.

She scanned the page and found it odd that most of the page had been crossed out with marker. She found this suspiciously and believed that this may be the page she needed for Klaus’ research. But she couldn’t use _ this _page. She pushed the book to the side, leaving it open on that very page so it would be easier for her to find the exact page again. She grabbed another book and another and several more, turning them all to that same page but she found that each one was defaced like the first one. 

Finally, she grabbed one last book and turned to the page. She smiled when she noticed that this copy of the book was not ruined by a black marker. She stared at the page trying to find words that she knew. She believed to recognize her last name, again, she wasn’t entirely sure since Klaus had never gotten the chance to teach her how to spell her last name. He barely had time to show her how to spell her first name. She froze in her place as she heard a door open and close. “Fuck,” she muttered to herself before quickly crawling behind a large chair that sat in the corner of the room. She frowned to herself when she realized that she should’ve ripped the unmarked page from the book, she debated whether or not she still had time to retrieve it. But when she saw Sir’s shoes enter the room she put a hand up to her mouth, hoping to silence her breathing. To her dismay, she heard Sir grab the unmarked book and rip the page out himself. She heard the ruffling of him placing it into his pocket as Charles yelled from the other room. “Sir! Your goat cheese and beef jerky omelet is ready!” 

She waited until she couldn’t hear Sir’s footsteps any more, she was grateful that he hadn’t closed the library doors behind him. As she was prepared to leave the library, she noticed a large book maroon book with gold lettering. She didn’t know what this book was but it was different than the rest. It was a lot bigger, too. _ Maybe it has more info than Sir’s dumb book. _Sunny rationalize as she opened the cover of the books. 

Sunny stopped short when she saw a quote scrawled on the inside cover. My associate has informed me that it was a quote that has been said by many of her associates over the years. It goes, “_ In every library, there is a single book that can answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind.” _ Sunny ran her fingers across it like it wasn’t real. Now, I don’t have to remind you that at this young age Sunny Baudelaire could not read, she recognized a few words like ‘book’ and ‘fire’, but that wasn’t what had caught her eye. It wasn’t the quote, itself, that had caught the younger Baudelaire orphan’s eye, nor was it the word ‘fire’ that set Sunny’s heart racing. It was the handwriting. For when Sunny saw the strong left lean of the L’s and the confident closed loop of the O’s, she knew who wrote it even before she could recognize his name on the library checkout card. ‘Bertrand Baudelaire.’ Or...as Sunny and Klaus knew him… 

“Dada!” she said smiling.

She took both the library checkout card and the cover page with the quote and ripped it out of the book. Folding it the best she could and fitting it into her uniform’s pocket. She didn’t know if this was important to Klaus’ research per se, but it did further prove that her father had been to Paltryville. She was just about to exit the library when she heard Sir and Charles talking. She scooted as close as she could to the door to get a better chance at hearing the conversation.

When the Baudelaire parents were still alive, Klaus had often time used Sunny to eavesdrop on their parents to figure out his birthday presents, Hanukkah gifts, and other special surprises that his parents might be planning for the two of them. Sunny had become an expert at eavesdropping in such a short time that her parents were never the wiser. Klaus would merely place her near the door of whatever room their parents were in and Sunny would act as if she was mindlessly chewing and biting on something when really she was being a spy for her brother and herself. There were even times when Klaus used Sunny to eavesdrop on arguments that the two Baudelaire parents were having because he feared that they would split up when some arguments got too heated although he never expressed his worries to his baby sister, just told her that it was practice sessions. 

“They’re good children. I don’t see why we have to lie to them,” Charles said in a slightly annoyed tone. “The truth is right there in our book,”

“Not anymore,” Sir said as he pulled out the piece of paper he had ripped from the untouched book. “I had it redacted.”

“Sir, you defaced your own book?” 

“I didn’t have a choice.” Sir said as he crumpled up the ripped piece of paper. “Charles, we made certain deals to keep this mill open. And if she wants us to cover up the truth and blame the fire on those blasted Baudelaires, well that’s the cost of doing business.”

“But is it really worth it?” Charles asked.

Sir threw the wadded piece of paper in his fireplace. “This mill is all I have, Charles.” Sir replied as Charles gave him a saddened expression. “And you,” Sir said placing a hand on Charles’ cheek. “Of course, I have you.” Charles leaned in for a kiss, as Sir walked off leaving Charles looking a bit broken-hearted. Sunnydidnt see Charles reach into the fire place quickly retrieving the piece of paper and putting it in his pocket.

Sunny frowned. She didn’t hate Charles, although she definitely hated Sir. She didn’t think Sir deserved a man like Charles. She wished that Charles was their sole guardian, maybe then they wouldn’t be stuck working in the mill and would be treated like children. She waited until the coast was clear before crawling back to the dormitory.

____________________________________________________

Klaus and Phil sat on the comfortable couch in the waiting room. Every minute that passed by made Klaus more and more nervous. The only people in the room were him and Phil so he knew his fear of doctors was taking hold of him because he kept squirming uncomfortably on the couch wishing that his parents were there with him. Klaus didn’t care how old he was, he would beg his mother or father to hold him and beg his father to sit with him again as he got his eye-examination. 

“Klaus Baudelaire?” a sweet voice called. Klaus jumped up in surprise. 

“You’re Dr. Orwell?” Klaus asked nervously.

“Yes, I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. I was on my lunch hour,” Dr. Orwell replied frowning at Klaus. “My dear, looks like somebody broke their glasses,” she said walking to Klaus and putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. “But don’t you worry little guy, we’ll get those fixed for you in a jiffy,” she said in a sickly-sweet voice, booping Klaus’ nose which made him a strange mixture of relieved and suspicious. 

“See! Perfectly friendly!” Phil said patting Klaus on the back.

“Well, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” Dr. Orwell explained to Phil smiling.

“Actually, you catch the most flies with manure,” Klaus corrected.

“Well...aren’t you smart?” Dr. Orwell said still maintaining a sweet tone and keeping a smile plastered on her face. “It’s just an expression, silly boy. A fancy way of saying you’re more likely to get what you want by acting in a sweet way, like honey, than in a distasteful way, like vinegar.”

Klaus nodded slowly. 

“Wave goodbye to your friend,” Dr. Orwell said grabbing Klaus’ hand and slowly dragging him to the examination room.

“Goodbye?” Klaus asked worriedly as Phil waved to him. 

“I’m going to go back and check on Sunny. She’s safe with me,” Phil called out to him as Klaus nodded. 

His heart was pounding in his chest. “I-Is this really necessary to fix my glasses?” Klaus asked as Dr. Orwell patted the chair with her hand. 

“An eye exam is standard procedure for all my patients,” Dr. Orwell said as Klaus sat down. “You look nervous. Are you okay?”

Klaus nodded his head slowly as he tried to relax. “Father always said he didn’t trust optimists or optometrists,” Klaus explained. “Plus the first time I ever had an optometrist appointment...my father sat with me the entire time...and it was comforting…” 

Dr. Orwell frowned at Klaus. “Your father sounds like a sweet man. But it sounds to me like he may have had a bad experience with an eye doctor himself,” she began as she started setting up her equipment. “I wonder who she was. Or if she ever practiced optometry again after the heartbreak...and the lawsuit...and the plastic surgery to assume a new identity in a faraway town,” she whispered trying to keep her sweet persona at the forefront.

“What did you say?” Klaus asked confused.

“I said, ‘try not to blink, sweetie.’” Orwell replied as she began her examination. “Now, you’re a smart boy. Do you know what bedside manner means?” 

Klaus nodded. “Try not to move, please,” Orwell replied. 

“I-it’s when…” he stammered.

“It’s when a doctor speaks in a calm and reassuring voice to make sure their patients trust them,” Orwell explained softly. “And how are we feeling, Klaus?”

“Not good,” 

“...because you broke your glasses?” she asked frowning again.

“Because of this town. Everyone thinks my parents did this bad thing, but they never even met them.” Klaus said still stammering.

“Well, I’m not like everyone else.” 

“You don’t believe it?” he asked.

“No, I’ve met your parents,” she said still containing her disdain behind her sickly-sweet persona. 

“Wait? What?” Klaus asked turning his head to face Dr. Orwell.

“Please, try not to move,” she replied. “And again try not to blink,” She used her cane to point at a screen that appeared in front of Klaus. “Now focus here, Klaus, and tell me what you see. An E or an A?” she asked.

“An…” he began breathing in deeply.

“An E or an A?” 

“An A.”

“An A or a C?”

“A...C,” 

“A sea or a lake,” she asked as a picture of Lake Lachrymose appeared on her screen. 

“Wait, what?”

“A reptile or an amphibian,” she asked as the picture changed to a snake that slightly resembled Ink.

“Fire or accident?” Orwell asked sweetly as a picture of the Baudelaire mansion appeared on the screen. Klaus began to shake nervously in his seat.

“A blonde or a bottle blonde?” she asked as a picture of a woman that Klaus had never met before appeared upon the screen. The woman looked severely wealthy and very fashionable. 

“A parent or an arsonist?” she asked smirking. “Tell me what you see, Klaus,” she demanded as several pictures quickly flashed on the screen before his eyes. Dr. Orwell triumphantly smiled when Klaus’ brown eyes began to go grey and colorless. He stopped shaking as if all of his fear had been pushed to the back of his mind. He went silent as if his brain had somehow turned off. He sat there practically lifeless, with his now unblinking grey eyes. 

“_ Yes, you little bookworm, tell us what you see…” _a voice from the other side of him hissed, followed by a low evil laugh.


	45. The One When Sunny Misses Her Big Brother Because Klaus Just Isn't Himself

** _Chapter Forty-Four:_ **

_ The One When Sunny Misses Her Big Brother Because Klaus Just Isn’t Himself _

Sunny Baudelaire spent the rest of the day in the worker’s dormitory worriedly staring at the door waiting for her brother to come back. As the minutes and hours went by, Sunny began to get more and more worried. She had never been to an optometrist’s office before, so she didn’t know how long appointments usually took. She imagined that it wouldn’t take all day especially in a desolate town like Paltryville. She imagined that Klaus was the doctor’s only client all day which really worried her. What if Klaus was right when he said that the eye-shaped building was not a coincidence and it was a sure sign of villainy. What if Count Olaf was there and he had successfully kidnapped her brother? What if Count Olaf was _ torturing _ Klaus demanding to know her location and Klaus refusing to give it up? She could feel hot tears streaming down her face with each new darker theory as to why her brother wasn’t back yet. It did not make her feel any better to see Phil return without her brother. What made _ that _ situation for Sunny even worse was that without her brother, most people had no idea what she was saying. She was an infant, and although her communication skills were impressive for her age, but not _ that _impressive. 

When she had crawled over to Phil and asked him several times, “Ubi?” which was her way of saying, “Where is my brother!?” He just looked at her and shrugged his shoulders. Apologizing to her for not understanding what she meant. She then tried simply saying her brother’s name but all Phil would say in return is “he is at the eye doctors,” Sunny rolled her eyes angrily. She knew where he was, but she was confused as to why Phil had returned without him. She thought Phil was a nice guy like Charles...there’s no way he’d just let her brother get kidnapped or tortured...right? Unless he was part of Olaf’s troupe. But as she stared at her optimistic coworker, she concluded that he wasn’t any of the troupe members in disguise. But then she wondered if he was a new member of Olaf’s troupe. Then she thought of Kronk, a nice friendly man that had helped the Baudelaires back at Uncle Monty’s house. She wondered for a second if Phil could be him. The children never got to see his face since he wore a beekeeper’s hat the entire time. But Phil seemed more cheery and shorter than the man who had helped him. But of course, Sunny wasn’t so sure. But if he was Kronk, then she had a feeling that he would’ve stayed with Klaus through the entirety of the optometrist appointment. 

As Phil began cooking dinner, Sunny followed him into the kitchen. “Suus fieri?” she asked, which was her way of saying, “What’s happening to Klaus?” but again, Phil looked down at his infant coworker and gave her a small smile. 

“You wanna help me in the kitchen while you wait for your brother?” he asked her. Sunny frowned and shrugged her shoulders looking again towards the door of the dormitory. “Maybe it’ll help take your mind off things…”

Sunny reluctantly agreed and raised her arms to indicate to Phil that she was fine with him lifting her up. 

“See! ‘Atta girl!” he said cheerfully as he knelt to pick her up. “Nothing wrong with finding a silver lining in a dark cloud. You know when I was younger, my Aunt Julia would cook with me.” 

Sunny nodded her head and watched as Phil got to work making the damp beef casserole. She _ was _interested to learn how to make the casserole even if it wasn’t the best thing she’d ever tasted. She remembered all the times that she would watch one of her parents cook and bake and how intrigued she was. She frowned thinking about how it was just her and Klaus now. She gave a small chuckle when she realized that as she grows older she may be the one in charge of feeding her older brother because when it came to culinary skills, Klaus heavily lacked in that department.

Sunny tried her best to find a silver lining in her situation as she tried her best to communicate with Phil about different ingredients he should try to add to the casserole to give it a new flavor. She knew he couldn’t fully understand her, so she became accustomed to pointing at a spice, asking what it is to make sure she was right with her assumption and when she wanted him to test the spice or ingredient in the casserole. She would simply say ‘try’. She and Phil had tried different combinations of spices that Sunny had suggested so by the time the casserole was nearly finished, both he and Sunny were beginning to feel a little full.

But as they cooked, Sunny couldn’t help but feel that Phil was wrong. She could not find a silver lining no matter how hard she tried. She was trying her best to be rational when it came to Klaus still not coming home. All Sunny wanted was for her brother to come home and be safe. 

She tried to remember her last conversation with him, trying to determine if it was one she was proud of. She frowned when she realized that it wasn’t. It was the exact opposite actually. The last conversation she had with Klaus was more or less an argument between the two siblings, which was rare...although Sunny noticed that these arguments were becoming more and more frequent since their parents’ death and she hated that. She remembered how bitter and icy she was towards Klaus. She had dismissed all of his concerns acting as though he was being childish and paranoid. Sunny was now believing that Klaus had every right to be paranoid and childish when it came to Count Olaf’s location and the Baudelaires’ safety. She knew deep down that no matter what Klaus had said when they first got here about Count Olaf arriving would be considered ‘good news’ this time. She knew that that was bullshit, just Klaus’ strange but morbid way of being optimistic. She knew that he feared Olaf more than anything, although she didn’t know completely why. 

She wiped a tear from her eye as she remembered exactly what she said to him in response to him theorizing that Olaf was the new foreman. After he had pleaded with her that all he was doing was trying to keep _ her _ safe. ‘Curam me!’ she had shouted at him in an impatient tone dismissing his fears, fears that Sunny knew were completely valid and rational, even if she didn’t know the full reasoning behind them. This was her way of saying, “Goddammit Klaus! I don’t _ need _ you to keep me safe! I can handle my own, pretty sure I’ve done enough to prove that! Worry about yourself!” Sunny essentially had told her big brother in the rudest way possible that she did not need him. Something that wasn’t true at all. She did need him. She needed him as much as he needed her. She feared that _ this...this cold, bitter statement _ would be the _ last thing _she ever says to her brother. She couldn’t help but sob a little as she sat on the kitchen counter watching Phil put the giant casserole in the oven. 

“Te requiro,” she whimpered looking up at the ceiling, this was Sunny’s way of saying, “Klaus, I need you…” she knew her brother couldn’t hear her but she hoped her parents, who she hoped was looking down on her and Klaus, could hear her thoughts. Because deep down, she needs them, too. She needed her family desperately, but even someone Sunny’s age understood that her parents were never coming back and all she had left was Klaus. 

She sighed angrily realizing that Klaus only babies her because that is essentially what her parents had asked him to do. By forcing him to make that stupid promise, they ensured that Klaus would be overly stressed and never able to cope with the misfortune that _ he _suffered. The moment he made that promise to them, it was like Klaus lost the right to breathe and focus on himself. Which Sunny didn’t believe was fair at all. She understood that as the eldest, Klaus did have a responsibility to look after her more than she should have to look after him, but the way her parents went about it made her angry. They essentially told Klaus to solely care about Sunny and not himself, which even someone as young as Sunny could see that that was not good for his mental state. Putting so much pressure on a twelve-year-old, who now probably feels like he has to be more of a father figure than a brother is simply wrong. Sunny wholeheartedly believed that her parents should be ashamed of themselves. 

Sunny wished she could convince her brother that protecting what remained of their family was a fifty-fifty job. Not a ninety-ten job. But nothing she did had convinced her brother so far. That’s why she had gotten so testy in mill right before Klaus’ glasses broke. She was tired of him acting like he was the sole protector. She now realized that she shouldn’t have been mad at Klaus, he was just following the wishes of their parents. She should’ve been mad at her parents, and she was. Which also conflicted Sunny heavily. She loved and missed her parents and it killed her to feel angry at them seeing that they weren’t ever coming back but she couldn’t help it. She felt this way because, in a sick, twisted way, they had also broken Klaus. 

Oddly enough, Sunny and Klaus shared the same secret desire. Sunny wished that Klaus, too, had an older sibling. Preferably a sister. That could love and protect him like he loved and protected her. Maybe someone a few years older than him, not an extreme age gap like he and Sunny...although if they did have a sibling that much older than Klaus, that sibling could just adopt them. But Sunny wished that there were three Baudelaires, to her that seemed like a good number. Not that she would want to force all of Klaus’ stress and issues onto someone else...but maybe Klaus could help this magical older sibling with some of the responsibility, that way the responsibility of protecting this family would be either an equal third for all parties involved or maybe a forty-forty-twenty ratio, which seemed a bit more likely. But Sunny understood that that was _ never _going to happen. It was just her and Klaus against the evils of the world. Now she feared that it was just her. 

_ It can’t be just her! _ She told herself. _ Klaus would _ ** _never _ ** _ leave you! _But she just couldn’t believe it right now.

“Soups on!” Phil yelled and Sunny looked up a bit confused. 

“Beef?” she asked pointing at the casserole. 

Phil smiled, “it’s an expression more or less meaning that dinner’s ready,” he explained as she nodded. 

“Klaus?” she asked miserably.

“He’s not back yet,” Phil replied. “Maybe he’s on his way back now.”

Sunny nodded but she could still hear her beating heart. She was more than worried now. She knew that last night, Sir called lights out at around 6 p.m., she didn’t want to go to sleep without Klaus being there with her. She had to do that_ once _ before and she _ hated _ it! When Olaf kidnapped her and shoved her in a birdcage in hopes of making Klaus more complacent towards the blatant child abuse and in hopes of coercing Klaus to hand over the Baudelaire fortune to him, Sunny had to spend one night sleeping in that birdcage while who-knows-what was happening to her brother. She knew deep down inside that _ that _was the night that Klaus had changed. Because he was normal before she was kidnapped and he was seemingly broken when she was rescued. So she never wanted to sleep away from her brother ever again. 

As Phil set a plate for Klaus right next to her, he also handed her a plate of a little bit of casserole seeing that she and Phil had tried many bites and were practically full. Sunny moved her food around with her tiny fingers, glancing at the door the entire time. After dinner, Phil cleared off the table but Sunny stayed seated where she was.

“I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Phil said rubbing Sunny’s head. She gave Phil a hopeful smile but didn’t say anything. “Why don’t you play a game to pass the time,” he said handing her a deck of cards. 

She shook her head. “No tanks,” She replied, continuing to stare at the door for the remaining time that the lights were allowed to be on. 

“Lights out!” Sir’s loud booming voice came from the loudspeaker. Sunny’s heart sank into her stomach as she watched as the dorm lights flickered off. 

“No,” She whimpered. Phil walked over to her to blow out some of the candles that were still lit.

“Sunny?” Phil said. 

“Huh?” she replied absentmindedly. 

“Lights out,” he replied giving her a small frown.

“Check?” she asked pointing out the door. Phil looked down at the infant as she raised her arms again indicating to Phil that she wanted to be picked up.

“I’m telling you, Sunny, you have nothing to worry about.” 

“Peas,” she asked with her best puppy dog face, this was her cutesy way of saying, “Pretty please.”

Phil sighed but picked up Sunny. Sir had announced ‘light’s out’ but Klaus had still not returned from the optometrist’s, and the young Baudelaire infant was rightfully worried sick. Phil carried her across the courtyard and helped Sunny peer out the wooden gate that led out to Paltryville, and Sunny was instantly dismayed to see no sign of her big brother. 

“Come on, Sunny. I’m sure he’ll be back soon,” Phil replied as he carried Sunny back into the dorm, closing the door behind them. He set her down on the Baudelaire bunk and she began looking out the window to watch for him, she was so anxious that it took Phil explaining to her that the window was not a real one, but one drawn with chalk. Phil continued to insist that she had nothing to worry about but no matter how many times Phil tried to tell her otherwise, all she could do was worry about her older brother. 

“Becer!” she exclaimed, “I think I do, Phil! I think I _ do _ have something to worry about. Klaus has been gone all afternoon and I am immensely worried that something awful might’ve happened to him.”

Phil looked at the younger Baudelaire orphan. “I’m sorry. I just don’t understand what you are saying but I assume that you are worried. Which is fine, I know that to children, doctors may seem scary, but like I told Klaus, doctors are your friends and they can’t hurt you.”

Sunny sighed. “Uh-huh,” she replied tiredly, even though she knew that Phil was entirely wrong. Sunny knew that her optimist coworker meant well by telling her that ‘doctors are her friends’, but Sunny was worried that the optometrist who worked in the eye-shaped building was somehow connected to Count Olaf, a man who would do unspeakable things to her and her brother. But it was useless to try to explain this to Phil cause not only would his optimism get in the way of understanding the dangers her brother could be in, but Sunny also had a communication barrier that halted any conversation she could have with _ anyone. _

Phil began walking away from Sunny after giving her one more smile. “Maybe you’ll wake up in the morning and he’ll be right next to you,” 

“Suski,” she replied sadly, which meant, “I hope so, Phil.” 

Sunny laid on the bottom bunk of the Baudelaire bunk eagerly waiting for her brother to come home as she stared up to the top bunk. In minutes, Sunny was surrounded by the noises of her coworkers snoring. She did not try to sleep, she fought her exhaustion. She refused to sleep when her brother could be in danger. She could feel her dismay growing more and more with each second that passed. Sunny made a squeaky, sad noise as she tried to imagine where Klaus could be and what was happening to him. But one of the worst things about Count Olaf is that his evil ways are so despicable that it was impossible to imagine what would be up his sleeve next. Count Olaf had done so many horrible deeds, all to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, that Sunny could scarcely bear to think what might be happening to her brother. As the evening grew later and later, the younger Baudelaire orphan began to imagine more and more terrible things that could be happening to Klaus while she lay helpless in the dormitory.

Finally, she heard the creak of the dormitory door and a beam of moonlight shine in. She sat up quickly in the Baudelaire bunk trying to see if it was her brother. A relieved smile appeared on her face as she realized that it was her brother. 

“Klaus!” she whispered in a loud tone. But he just stood there motionless by the door. “Klaus,” she called for him. But he just stood there like a zombie. She lowered herself off the bunk bed and crawled quickly to him. 

“Sollicitus!” she said to him, which meant, “Klaus! I was so worried! You were gone so long!” She immediately hugged his legs but to her surprise, he didn’t even acknowledge that she was there. “No specks,” she muttered, which meant, “Wait...you’re not wearing your glasses...are they still being fixed?”

He still didn’t acknowledge her. She didn’t understand why he was ignoring her. Her heart sank. _ Was this because I said I didn’t need him? _ It wasn’t like him to be _ this _dramatic when it came to one of their arguments.

“Sorry,” she said to her brother hugging his legs tighter. He continued to stay motionless, staring into the empty void of space. He was starting to freak her out. “Klaus?”

“Pingo?” she asked, which meant, “Klaus...what was it like inside the eye-shaped building?”

Weirdly enough, her brother who was barely blinking began to smile. 

“Hap?” she asked, which meant, “Why are you smiling?”

“I’m happy to be here, sir,” He muttered so low that Sunny wasn’t sure that she heard him correctly.

“No sir,” Sunny explained, “Sunny.” 

Klaus, once again, did not answer. He merely looked at his sister with wide, wide eyes, as if she were an interesting aquarium or a parade.

“_ Klaus! _” she yelled. 

He did not answer again.

“Hoax,” she explained desperately, which meant, “While you were gone, I heard Sir talking to Charles. He said he made a deal to cover something up. There’s something bigger going on here.”

Again, he didn’t answer.

“_ Klaus! _” Sunny yelled desperately.

“Shh!” one of the mill workers yelled.

“Be quiet!” another grumbled.

“Klaus...peas,” Sunny pleaded as her brother continued to stand there motionless.

She frowned and tugged on his pant leg. “Somnum?” she asked him, which meant, “I guess it’s been a long day. Would you like to go to sleep?”

“Yes, sir,” Klaus said as he started to walk towards the Baudelaire bunk. Sunny noticed that even his steps were awkward.

“Sis!” she whispered loudly as she followed him, which meant, “I’m not sir! I’m your sister!” 

Klaus laid down in the bunk staring up at the top bunk. “Shoos,” Sunny pointed out, which meant, “Your shoes are still on…”

Klaus didn’t react to what she said at all. Sunny used her teeth to gently untie Klaus’ shoes and pull them off her brother’s feet which was not easy for someone her size. 

“Night,” Sunny whimpered as she used her teeth to pull the blankets over herself and her brother. She snuggled as close to him as she could, even kissing him on the cheek. But Klaus didn’t respond. He didn’t say goodnight. He didn’t say he loved her, he didn’t even kiss her forehead like he used to, and he didn’t even put his arm around her in the protective way that he had done ever since the fire. She looked at her brother with the same face that she had when Mr. Poe had informed the Baudelaire siblings about the fire. A face that detailed grief, sadness, and loss. She stared at her brother and although he was physically there with her, it seemed to her that she had lost him. Like the Klaus she knew was gone forever like her parents. “Loves,” she whispered as she watched Klaus close his eyes drifting away to sleep. She watched the way his mouth quivered, just as it had always done when he was fast asleep. She was honestly relieved to have him back, even if she didn’t feel relieved. 

Sunny laid there in her own miserable thoughts as she stared at her empty shell of a brother. She kept hearing herself argue with Klaus in her mind like it was on an endless loop. _ All Klaus was doing was keeping that stupid, unfair promise he made to our parents...and I yelled at him telling him that I didn’t need him. _ She thought to herself as she wiped a few tears from her eyes. _ He wanted to leave and run away...but I convinced him to stay. Now he’s acting strange. _ She choked on her sobs. ** _This is all my fault. _ ** Sunny told herself as she softly rubbed Klaus’ forehead wishing that everything was normal between them. _ This is all my fault...and there’s no one else to fix it. _ Sunny sighed. She looked upwards and thought about her parents again. If her parents weren’t here to help her fix Klaus and she didn’t have another older sibling to help her save Klaus, then Sunny knew it was up to _ her _to fix her brother. 

“Oath,” she muttered, which was her way of saying, “Mama...Dada...I promise I am going to fix this and take better care of Klaus. From now on this is a fifty-fifty deal.” _ There. Now both Baudelaire siblings made nonsensical promises to their dead parents. _ Sunny thought. Sunny knew, of course, that her parents had never guessed, when they forced Klaus to make that ridiculous promise, that the sort of trouble the siblings would find themselves in would be so ostentatiously--a word which here means “really, really”--horrendous. But this time, _ Klaus _was the one clearly in trouble, and Sunny could not shake the feeling that it was her fault and it was also her responsibility to get him out of it.

She glanced at her brother one more time as her eyelids threatened to close. She had _ never _seen her brother act so strangely before.”No leave,” she whispered to Klaus, which was her way of saying, “Come back...don’t leave me,” as she huddled against her brother, peering at him as he slept, no matter how many times she looked at him, it still felt like her big brother had not returned and it was because of that that Sunny Baudelaire cried herself to sleep that night. Hoping and praying that when she woke up everything would be back to normal.


	46. The One Where Klaus Causes an Accident & Violet is Pushed Off the Deep End

** _Chapter Forty-Five:_ **

_ The One Where Klaus Causes an Accident & Violet is Pushed Off the Deep End _

Like the day prior, the Baudelaire orphans were woken up by the unpleasant sound of Foreman Flacutono banging metal pots together. Sunny opened her eyes and looked at her brother. 

“Get up, lumber laborers! Lucky Smells has no time for dawdling!” the foreman’s voice boomed from the loudspeakers. Almost immediately, Klaus sat up smiling.

“Klaus Baude-liar, would you like to get out of bed this instant?” the foreman asked.

“Yes sir,” Klaus muttered monotonously.

“Would you like to bring your baby sister? Lucky boy.” 

“Yes, sir,” 

“Klaus?” Sunny asked as Klaus roughly picked her up. Sunny looked at her brother worriedly, noticing something she hadn’t been able to notice last night. When she looked in his eyes, Klaus’ eyes weren’t the same shade of brown as her eyes, they were dull, colorless, and grey. This seemed odd to her, she didn’t remember Klaus’ eyes changing colors before. She knew her eyes didn’t do that. So why did his?

“Lucky boy, it’s wood chipper day. Would you like to make some mulch?” the foreman asked Klaus from the loudspeaker.

Klaus’ eyes stayed grey and wide as he said, “yes sir.”

He walked hurriedly to the mulch machine and while he threw random pieces of wood into the wood chipper, he held Sunny without the same care and caution as he usually did. Sunny began to wail as Klaus swung his body around to grab wood and to release into the scary looking machine. Sunny was not easily scared nor easily overstimulated but this frightened her. Her brother was definitely not himself if he was carelessly holding her over such a dangerous and deadly looking machine. Another thing she noticed was that he was not complaining about the excessive noise, which was very odd for him. 

“Klaus!” she yelled through her frantic tears, but he continued to work. Sunny stared at him holding on to his uniform as tight as she could. “Terrent!” she screamed, which meant, “You’re scaring me, Klaus! Put me down!” 

“Stop!” she screamed as she placed a hand on his cheek. “Leave!” she shouted, which meant, “Stop it and we can leave just like you wanted!” 

Klaus looked at Sunny and just like the mill workers had yesterday, he stopped what he was doing and in a monotonous tone chanted, “Lucky Smells is our life. Lucky Smells is our home!” 

“No!” Sunny yelled. “Molendini!” which meant, “No, it’s not! A home is where people take care of you! Not make you work in a mill until you come of age!”

Klaus just stood there staring at her. 

“Esculto!” she cried desperately, which meant, “I should’ve listened to you when you wanted to go! When you wanted to protect  _ us!”  _

Klaus went right back to making mulch. Still carelessly holding his baby sister over the wood chipper. “ _ Miss! _ ” She screamed in his ear starting to wail again, which was her way of saying, “Klaus...if you’re still in there. I want you to know I miss you an inordinate amount.” 

But Klaus’ eyes stayed grey and wide. Charles, who was passing by making sure everything was going good, noticed how Klaus was holding Sunny and he rushed up and took the younger Baudelaire from her big brother. Sunny hung on to Charles with all her might, crying. 

Charles grabbed Klaus’ arm. “Klaus, I don’t think you should be operating this sort of machine. You’re honestly pretty lucky to have not gotten you or your sister hurt. Why don’t you go see if Phil needs your help with the stamping machine.”

“Yes, sir,” Klaus replied as he walked away from Charles and Sunny. 

“Wait...is he not wearing any shoes?” Charles asked confused then looking at Sunny smiling. “Hey...hey...it’s okay.” 

Sunny watched her brother walk awkwardly to Phil and furiously shook her head at Charles. “No,” she replied.

“Hey, I know what could cheer you up,” Charles said and held out a peach for Sunny. Sunny looked at the fruit and then the man holding it. “I know Sir said yesterday all you guys needed was gum for lunch. But I thought you and your brother would enjoy a peach .”

Sunny sighed and rolled her eyes. She was happy to have something other than gum for lunch, but one peach wasn’t an efficient lunch either and even if it was she was too worried about her brother to eat. She took the peach from Charles’ hand and slipped it into her pocket for later. She was determined to figure out what was wrong with her brother. When she slipped the peach into her pocket, she felt the pieces of paper that she found from the library yesterday and realized that she hadn’t had the time to even mention what she had discovered to Klaus.

“Baude-liars!” The foreman yelled. “You have visitors!” 

Charles looked to the foreman and then to Sunny. “Oh, that must be Dr. Orwell with Klaus’ glasses.”

Sunny looked up at Charles happily. Maybe if she got to lay eyes on Dr. Orwell she can see if whether or not Dr. Orwell was Count Olaf in disguise, which might explain why Klaus was acting so strange. 

“Baude-liars! Please report to the Lucky Smells entrance,” 

“Yes sir,” Klaus said as he began to walk towards the entrance. Charles followed close behind with Sunny. 

Charles opened the gate of the mill, to see Dr. Orwell standing alone, smiling a big smile.

“My...my...my...aren’t you a lucky boy,” Dr. Orwell said in her sickly-sweet tone smiling at Klaus.

“Yes, sir,” Klaus replied.

“I have your new glasses, dear boy,” Dr. Orwell replied as she gently placed the glasses on Klaus’ face. Sunny looked skeptically at Dr. Orwell and was completely confused. Dr. Orwell seemed sweet and nice...but if that were the case what was wrong with Klaus? “And you must be little Sunny,” Orwell said smiling down at the infant in Charles’ arms. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Huh?” Sunny asked.

“Your brother spoke so highly of you while we were doing his examination,” Dr. Orwell explained. Sunny glared at her still very confused. 

“Dr. Orwell!” a loud voice came from behind them. “How have you been?” 

“I’ve been well. I am just delivering Klaus' newest pair of glasses.”

“Now, Dr. Orwell. I may be his guardian, but I consider him my worker and you provide  _ free  _ eye exams to  _ all  _ Lucky Smells employees.” Sir pointed out as Klaus muttered “yes, sir,”

“Sir! I’m surprised at you!” Charles cried as he shifted Sunny in his arms. “These two children should be considered our family, not simple workers.” Sunny could tell by Charles' tone that he really wanted to start a family with Sir but Sir shook his head and his cloud of smoke stayed where it was. 

“Nonsense! These children are just useless orphans. They’re not our family!” Sir replied.

“But they could be,” Charles remarked. “We could give them love and support. Raise them to be hardworking and responsible. We can provide them a better childhood than you had growing up.”

“Why should these children get a better childhood than me? Why would they deserve better than me?” Sir asked angrily as Charles became sheepish.

“Well, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant don’t you think with each generation we should do better than the last?”

“NO!” Sir yelled.

Dr. Orwell looked uncomfortable watching this couple’s quarrel. “Sir, have you considered our little proposal?”

“What proposal?”Charles asked confused.

“It doesn’t concern you, Charles.”

“Doesn’t concern me…? I’m your partner.” Charles said sadly. 

Dr. Orwell smiled at Charles. “You know...I’ve never seen you in my chair.”

“I have excellent vision,” 

“Well, vision changes.” Dr. Orwell replied as she stared at Charles' eyes. “Just as I suspected. Cloudy and dull. You know since I just gave this lucky boy, here, a new set of glasses for free. I can waive all fees for you, too.”She said kindly. 

“I don’t know…I’m positive that I can see just fine,” 

“I insist. You must see me right away. Free of charge.”

“I can’t have a cloudy, dull-eyed partner,” Sir said to Charles sternly. “How would you make my omelets?”

Charles frowned but sadly nodded. “I’ll rearrange my schedule.”

Dr. Orwell smiled. “I’ll see you soon,” she replied as she turned to walk away. Sunny couldn’t help but feel that Dr. Orwell was talking to her when she said that. But she felt like it was her anxiety making her feel so paranoid. Dr. Orwell seemed sweet and nice.

Just then Foreman Flacutono yelled over the intercom that it was lunchtime. Sir shooed the two Baudelaires aware. Klaus just stood there and stared at Sir. 

“Are you deaf, boy? Go get your lunch,” Sir barked.

“Gum!” Sunny yelled.

“Aren’t you two lucky that it’s lunchtime. You can eat that peach,” Charles said more to Sunny but Klaus’ eyes went wide again and he began walking towards the mill again. Charles chased after him and handed him Sunny.

“Talk!” Sunny demanded as she glared at her brother. When they arrived back at the lumbermill, Foreman Flacutono handed Klaus two pieces of gum. Klaus did not say a word, he did not even put his gum into his mouth. Sunny struggled in his arms to get her brother to release but he just sat there silently waiting for their lunch to be over. She sighed when she realized what she could do to snap him out of his zombie-like state. Sunny faced her brother and frowned at him. “Sorry,” she said before slapping his face as hard as she could with her tiny hand. His head swung to the right side but just barely. Sunny hated how much it reminded her of when Olaf smacked her brother during their stay at his house. But this time, Klaus did not cry. He did not react at all to his baby sister smacking him. He just continued to sit there, his gaze still staring into endless space.

Sunny put her arms around her brother as though she was afraid he was floating away. The two Baudelaires sat there like that, a heap of Baudelaires until Foreman Flacutono clanged his pots together to signal the end of the break.

“Stamping time!” the foreman declared, Sunny couldn’t see through the gas mask, but the foreman was smirking. “Everybody line up for stamping! And  _ you,”  _ he said, pointing right at Klaus. “ _ You,  _ you lucky midget, will be operating the machine. Come over here so I can give you instructions. Put the baby midget anywhere, I don’t care.” 

“Yes, sir,” Klaus said in a quiet voice. Sunny gasped in surprise. It was the first time he had spoken since they returned to the lumbermill. Without another word he stood up, disentangling himself from his sister, and walked toward Foreman Flacutono while his sister looked on amazedly. 

Sunny stared at Klaus as he awkwardly walked away from her not even caring that he was leaving her alone. Her heart felt shattered. She remembered the promise she had recently made to herself about protecting Klaus. She felt as though she was already failing because she couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. If she couldn’t even figure out the problem, how was she ever going to find a solution? 

Foreman Flacutono whispered something to Klaus, who walked slowly over to the machine covered in smokestacks and began to operate its controls. Sunny watched as the foreman nodded to Klaus and clanged his damn pots together again. “Let the stamping begin!” 

Sunny had no idea what the foreman meant by stamping, and thought maybe it involved jumped up and down on the boards for some reason. But it turned out to be more like stamping a library book. The workers would lift a bundle of boards and place it on a special mat, and the machine would bring its huge, flat spindle down on top of the boards with a thunderous  _ stamp! _ , leaving a label in red ink that said “Lucky Smells Lumbermill.” 

Phil walked over to Sunny, who was watching her brother cautiously. “There’s nothing to worry about. Your brother is smiling!” 

“Agunt!” Sunny explained, which meant, “He would  _ never _ operate a machine without reading the manual first!” 

Phil, of course, had no idea what the younger Baudelaire orphan had said but he smiled down at Sunny. “He’s operating it perfectly!” then he turned to Klaus, “You’re doing great, Klaus!” Klaus didn’t acknowledge Phil whatsoever, just kept moving in a zombie-like fashion. 

“Wiro,” Sunny said sadly, which meant, “That might be true, but I’m still worried about Klaus. I miss my big brother,” 

“That’s the spirit!” Phil said, obviously misunderstanding Sunny. “I told you if you just look on the bright side--,” he began.

“Lucky Smells laborers! Move as fast as you can and then move faster!” foreman Flacutono demanded. Sunny watched in horror as Klaus began to operate the machine at a speed she didn’t believe it should be operated. Phil pushed a new bundle of boards on to the machine. Klaus looked like he had lost control of the machine because the machine began to spin around, Phil pushed Sunny out of the way as the machine hit the debarker machine to the ground, completely smashing it. Instead of the usual  _ stamp! _ This time the machine made an eerie, chilling  _ Stam--crash--aah!  _ Sound.

Phil fell to the floor before he had the chance to finish his sentence. Of all the noises that the Baudelaire orphans heard at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill, this one was the most terrible by far. Although Klaus didn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. The thunderous  _ stamp! _ ing sound had been cut off by a wrenching crash and a piercing shriek. The stamping machine had gone horribly wrong, and the huge, flat spindle had not been brought down where it was supposed to, which is on a bundle of boards. Most of the spindle had been brought down on the string machine, which was now hopelessly broken. But part of it had been brought down on Phil’s leg. 

Klaus absentmindedly stood at the controls of the stamping machine. Foreman Flacutono dropped his pots (nearly hitting Sunny) as she crawled towards Phil to see if her friendliest coworker was okay. The foreman pushed a dazed Klaus aside and with a flip of a switch, he brought the spindle up again, and everyone else gathered around to see the damage.

The cage part of the string machine was split open like an egg, and the string had become completely entwined and entangled. And I simply cannot describe the grotesque and unnerving sight of Phil’s twisted, tangled, stained, and gory leg. The sight alone made Sunny’s stomach turn, but Phil looked up at her and then looked at an emotionless Klaus and gave them a weak smile.

“Code Red! Code Red!” Foreman Flacutono shouted over the loudspeaker once he reached his booth.

“Well,” Phil said wincing but continuing to smile at the children and once the foreman had stopped yelling. “This isn’t too bad. My left leg is broken, but at least I’m right-legged! Half price pedicures for life! That’s pretty lucky!”

“Yes, sir,” Klaus muttered.

“Gee,” one of the workers murmured. “I thought he’d say something along the lines of ‘Aaaaah! My leg! My leg!’’

“If someone could just help me get to my other foot,” Phil said still wincing, “I’m sure that I can get back to work.”

“Coo-coo!” Sunny cried, which was meant, “don’t be crazy!”

“Phil, you’re going to need a hospital,” one mill worker said. “We have those coupons from last month, fifty percent off a cast at the Ahab Memorial Hospital. Two of us will chip in and get your leg all fixed up.”

“That’s very kind of you,” Phil said smiling as two workers helped him up.

“Sorry,” Sunny said glaring at Klaus, who still stood emotionless. 

“Oh, no, Sunny it’s fine.”

“Fine?” Foreman Flacutono replied from behind the younger Baudelaire. “This is a disaster! This is the worst accident in the history of the lumber mill!”

“No, no,” Phil said, “I’m fine. I’ve never liked my left leg so much, anyway.”

“Not your leg! You overgrown midget!” Foreman Flacutono said impatiently as Charles and Sir ran in. 

Sir looked at the debarker machine and the string machine. His face was still covered by smoke, but Sunny could sense that their new guardian was furious. 

“The debarker dispenser is broken!” Sir bellowed. “The string machine is complete smashed! These machines cost an inordinate amount of money!”

Sunny crawled in front of her brother, in order to protect him from Sir’s rage. She looked up at him as she watched his smile fade and his eyes closed. A second later, when they opened, Sunny could tell they were back to being the same shade of brown that hers were. 

“‘Inordinate’? What does that mean?” Phil asked confused.

“It means many things,” Klaus said suddenly, in his normal tone, still blinking. “It can mean ‘irregular’. It can mean ‘immoderate’. It can be ‘disorderly’. But in the case of money, it is more likely to mean ‘excessive’.” Klaus explained as Sunny rushed up to his legs and hugged his legs. 

“Back!” Sunny yelled as Klaus picked her up to hold her. Sunny hugged her brother as tight as she could. 

“Back? Where was I?” Klaus asked confused hugging his sister. He looked down at his feet. “Wait, why am I not wearing any shoes?”

“Who the fuck is responsible for this!?” Sir yelled angrily, slamming his fist on a bundle of boards. 

“Klaus Baudelaire caused the accident,” Foreman Flacutono pointed out. “He said he knew how to operate heavy machinery.”

“Faux!” Sunny yelled baring her teeth at Sir as he walked closer to Klaus.

“Well,  _ now  _ I know that!” the foreman replied.

“Wait, what happened?” he asked.

“Well,  _ I  _ certainly remember what happened,” the foreman shouted, pointing at Klaus. “You smashed our machines!” 

“No!” Sunny pleaded.

Sir stopped in front of Klaus and Sunny. “Excuses...excuses...just like your parents. They burnt down the town, and now you’ve come back to finish the job!” 

“No...I promise I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Klaus pleaded frowning. 

“Sir...be reasonable,” Charles explained. “Perhaps we should reevaluate our safety procedures. Or perhaps we shouldn’t force children to work with dangerous machines in a lumber mill.”

“I got a better solution,” Sir said in a chilling voice. “One more mistake, Baudelaires, and I’m gonna send you away to a place where you’ll learn the value of discipline and child labor. As it happens, I have just the place in mind.”

“Boarding school?” Klaus asked confused remembering what Mr. Poe had said. 

Sir simply growled in response. “No, not boarding school. Someplace different. Now get back to work! This mistake has already cost me an inordinate amount of money! No one will get a single coupon today!” Sir yelled as the lumber workers all began to glare at Klaus and Sunny.

“That’s not fair!” Klaus shouted. “Whatever happened...it was an accident.” 

Sir walked away angrily as Charles looked at the children and frowned. “Children…”

“Charles...please it was an accident. I don’t know what happened.” Klaus explained.

“Taut,” Sunny explained, which meant, “It was an accident! Klaus didn’t mean to hurt Phil.” Klaus translated for Sunny but stopped halfway. 

“Wait, I hurt Phil? When? How?” he asked.

“I know…” Charles said to Sunny. “I’m sorry. When Sir gets like this, there’s nothing I can do…”

Sunny stared at Charles and frowned at her kind guardian. “Esuba,” Sunny replied, which meant, “So you’re just gonna do nothing? Look, if you can’t speak up for us, at least speak up for yourself.” Klaus translated but still looked at Sunny confused.

Charles sighed. “You’re right, my dear. I’ve been a silent partner for too long. And this mill...it has too many secrets. It’s time you learned one about your parents.”

“Charles!” Sir yelled from afar.

“Meet, me after lunch in the library,” he said to the children.

“You can’t tell us now,” Klaus asked Charles as the man ran to catch up to Sir.

The workers continued to stare at Klaus with glares. He avoided everyone’s glares. “I don’t understand, Sunny,” he whispered to his baby sister. “Everyone is staring at me like I’m a pariah. ‘Pariah’ means ‘outcast’.” he explained as he watched a few workers helping Phil out of the mill. “What happened to Phil?” he asked. 

“I’m okay!” Phil reassured as he saw Klaus staring at him. Sunny sighed. “Novel,” she replied, which meant, “It’s a long story. We need to talk,” 

Foreman Flacutono appeared suddenly in front of the two Baudelaires and threw his pots on the ground. “You better learn how to handle these machines, midget! Now pick up my pots, four-eyes!” Klaus set Sunny down as he frowned. He went to pick up the pots, but halfway there Foreman Flacutono stuck his foot out, and Klaus tripped on it. This time, Klaus fell right to the ground of the lumbermill with a loud  _ thud!  _ And again his glasses fell off his face and skittered over to a bunch of boards, and worst of all, in the foreman’s attempt to recover Klaus’ glasses for him, he had ‘accidentally’ stepped on them again. Both Klaus and Sunny looked at the glasses now in the foreman’s hand and saw that they were once again, twisted, cracked, and hopelessly broken.

“My glasses!” Klaus cried. “They’re broken again!” 

Sunny got a funny feeling in her stomach, all quivery and slithery as if she had eaten snakes, rather than beef casserole the night before. “No!” She cried desperately. 

“Well, well, well,” the foreman said mockingly. “How careless of you. I guess you’re due for another appointment with Dr. Orwell.”

“NO!” Sunny yelled. “Eyes!” which meant, “I’ll be his eyes.” Klaus shook his head at his sister without even translating what she said to the foreman. 

“Say goodbye to your brother!” the foreman said pushing Klaus along. Klaus looked back at Sunny.

“No take!” she called out. “Derix!” she shrieked, which meant, “If I can’t prevent him from going to Dr. Orwell, at least let me go with him!” The foreman looked down at her confused but shook his head, walking away to his booth to make an important phone call.

Klaus walked down the path from the lumber mill to the eye-shaped building as best that he could since he was technically blind. With each step, he was shaking harder and harder. He didn’t want to do this alone. He couldn’t do this alone. Before he had a chance to turn around, he felt a small hand touch his dangling fingers. He looked down to see his baby sister.

“Beckett?” she asked, staring up at her brother, this meant, “What’s that thing Samuel Beckett said?”

Klaus smiled down at her. “I can’t go on...I’ll go on.”

“Just us,” she reminded him, at this moment, this was Sunny’s way of saying, “Let’s go on...together.” 

Klaus picked up his baby sister and frowned. “I can’t believe I hurt Phil…and I nearly hurt you, Sunny. You know I would never…” he began.

Sunny put her tiny hand on his cheek and smiled. She nodded indicating to her brother that she knew that he would never try to hurt her. Neither Baudelaire orphan knew what had happened to Klaus and neither Baudelaire orphan knew if it would happen again or if it had anything to do with Count Olaf. Although, they had their suspicions. But the children walked together nervously towards the eye-shaped building. Sunny knew that it wasn’t a good time to mention what she found from the library because her brother couldn’t see so he wouldn’t be able to help her understand the quote. But she did pull the peach Charles had given her out of her pocket, handing it to her brother. Who divided the peach among himself and his sister, giving Sunny the biggest piece. As she bit on the pit of the peach, she couldn’t help but feel as though she had already eaten the pit entirely, because as she and her brother got closer and closer to the eye-shaped building, Sunny Baudelaire felt as though she had a pit in her stomach. She didn’t know why but she knew that the building they were walking towards was dangerous and someplace that the Baudelaire siblings should absolutely avoid. 

___________________________________________________________________

Violet Snicket was excited, her father was researching the location of her father, well so he claims. Part of her believed him but the cynical part of her thought it was just another lie but she had her hopes. Besides this gave her a little bit of time to gather more information that could hopefully help her understand more about her parents’ past and about this VFD cult.

She was not going to waste any time. She could feel her anticipation about the entire situation getting harder and harder to control. She took a deep breath and made her way to her father’s backpack that sat by the door. She knew this was a boundary that needed to be crossed, although it was one that she honestly didn’t want to cross.  _ But these backpacks are supposed to be full of essentials and keepsakes...so maybe he’s hiding something in here.  _ She moved quickly, she didn’t have time to debate with herself. She dumped the backpack on the floor and started going through everything, she didn’t know what she was looking for but her eyes fell on a large black book.  _ The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.  _ A smile appeared on her face.  _ Jackpot!  _ She thought to herself but before she was able to read a single page, she noticed there was what looked like a letter being used as a bookmark for the large book. She pulled it out and stared at it intensely. She noticed it had the same handwriting as the two hundred paged letter. Violet was thankful that this wasn’t as long because she was eager to read the book she had just found. 

Violet glanced at the front door quickly. She looked back at the letter that she held in her hands and began to read it aloud to herself. 

_ “My Dearest Darling, _

_ I have written this several times trying to find the best words. I have recently heard of a terribly inaccurate rumor that was plastered all on the front page of that despicable newspaper that you had once worked for. Unfortunately, I am unsure whether or not the carrier crows will find you and deliver this message to you seeing that Jacques nor Kit has heard from you. I do hope that you are safe. _

_ My pregnancy went well. B. was with me through all of it. Both of us were heartbroken that you weren’t able to be there for the beautiful event. B. Promises to treat and raise her as his own. He’s truly excited at the prospect of fatherhood. I’ve named her Violet Malina...I hope that’s okay. I remember that one time I had mentioned naming her after my favorite color, you had no objections. _

_ I write to you now to ask for a favor. B and I have been asked to do a recent mission and we weren’t able to decline. But as you and I have discussed, we don’t want to involve Violet in anything related to the organization.  _

_ The favor that I am asking of you is to watch over our daughter temporarily. Until after B and I have finished the mission. After that you and I can discuss possible arrangements for Violet, so she can grow up with all three of her parents.  _

_ I am truly sorry, my dear, for the events that have transpired and for the retracted marriage proposal but The Force of Destiny has taken over and has made it impossible for us to be together any longer. But no matter what, I don’t believe that Violet should be punished for things not going the way that we had planned. I hope you agree on this matter. _

_ If you do, somehow, receive this letter, please meet me at the last safe place, on the day of the week that M. Caliban’s husband is named after. I will be wearing the same red shawl that I wore the night everything took a turn for the worst. You know, the one with feathers. You’ll most likely be in a disguise which I don’t blame you. Just do me the kind favor of not masking your eyes...I’ll know it is you, my dear, I see your eyes every day when I look down our a darling Violet. Greet me the way most volunteers do. Wait for my response. We will then relocate for the drop-off.  _

_ I know it’s silly but Violet is the most precious thing in my life right now and I will stop at nothing to protect her from the evils of this world. We will discuss a pick-up location at this precise time. Hope to see you there, My Silence Knot.  _

_ -Baticeer” _

Violet felt an intense fire light up her insides.  _ Her mother did want her...her mother did not want him, though.  _ She gritted her teeth and screamed in anger. Throwing the large book to the other side of the room. She felt hot tears pouring from her eyes. All this time, her father told her that his ending up with her was accidental. But as Violet reread the note, she couldn’t help but think that it was intentional. The moment that he got ahold of her, he ran and hid them both away from her mother. A small part of her, felt like she was overreacting...overanalyzing the situation...fitting pieces of the puzzle forcefully in the wrong places but what else could she do? What else could she think? Everything she had known about her past seemed to be one elaborate lie, which she recently learned her father was truly good at. All he did was lie to her. All he did was keep secrets. Where was the line? Where was his boundary? 

She wiped her tears from her face angrily. Breathing heavy, she just kept rereading the letter.  _ My mother did want me. She only lost me because of that stupid organization.  _ She sunk to the ground, kicking her feet. If anyone saw Violet’s breakdown, they would think she was a small child having a temper tantrum. She hated this stupid organization. If it weren’t for VFD she may be living a happy life with her mother and father. If it weren’t for VFD, she could have known her mother. If it weren’t for VFD, she’d be able to trust her father.

She walked over to the large black book and picked it up, slamming it on the table. She pulled out a chair in front of it, still clutching the letter. She was done. She was finished. Her research was done. She had everything she needed to demand answers from her father. Violet waited patiently for him to arrive back home. She tried to read the book that was placed in front of her, but she couldn’t concentrate because her mind was racing with a million different questions that she was going to ask her father. Questions that she was going to demand answers to. Answers that she was going to demand be truthful.


	47. The One Where Violet Loses Her Cool

** _Chapter Forty-Six:_ **

_ The One Where Violet Loses Her Cool _

Lemony entered his house to a very unpleasant surprise. His daughter was sitting at the table with her hands laid in front of her on top of a book. A book that Lemony had to take a double-take to see if he was seeing what he thought he was seeing and unfortunately, for him, his vision was perfect. Violet’s hands laid across  _ The Incomplete History of Organizations  _ and Lemony could tell by the intense glare that she giving him that she knew too much. Lemony looked at his daughter’s expression realizing that he didn’t recognize the young girl that sat across from him.

“Lemony, we need to talk,” Violet said chillingly serious. Lemony looked at his daughter in utter disbelief.

“What did you just call me?” he asked in a slightly stern tone. He was more confused than angry. Never had Violet ever called him by his first name. ‘Lemon man’ and ‘Mr. Lemons’ was the closest she had ever gotten to calling him by his first name.

“Lemony,” she said simply, before cocking her head to the side, “That  _ is  _ your name, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but I am your father and--,” he began as she interrupted him.

“What’s VFD?” she asked staring at him with unblinking eyes. Lemony took a step closer to the table and looked at his daughter. He had never seen her so angry or serious before. It slightly scared him.  _ What did she know? Who did she come in contact with?  _ He asked himself.

“What?” he replied.

“What. Is. VFD?” Violet asked again, this time in a louder, angrier tone. Enunciating every syllable in her sentence slowly that way her father can’t pretend that he didn’t hear her correctly. 

Lemony sighed. “Something that you don’t need to know about,” he said after a minute.

“Fine,” Violet said opening the book that was in front of her. “I knew you were going to say that. I mean I’ve already found my answer, I just wanted to know what you would say...”

“Violet...what’s up with you?” He asked calmly.

She took a deep breath and stood up, slamming her hands on to the book with all her might. Lemony was surprised that the table didn’t collapse from under her. “ _ You’re lying to me! You’ve been lying to me my entire life! _ ” she screamed in his direction. Her veins were full of boiling blood. Her mind was on fire from holding this back for so long.  _ It’s time. No backtracking now. Get your answers, Vi. Don’t let him manipulate you.  _ She told herself as she glared at her father.

“What are you talking about?” Lemony asked trying to figure out what to say to his daughter’s very sudden and unexpected outburst.

“About VFD! About your ‘job’! About my fucking mother!” Violet yelled. “You’ve been in contact with her, haven’t you?!” 

Lemony looks at Violet with a face that was a clear mix of guilt and confusion. He knew that this was not the time to explain to her that her birth mother was dead. So he took a deep breath. “First off, don’t speak to me like that Violet. Let’s have a rational discussion.”

Violet shook her head. “No! No! You’re not going to manipulate me into listening to any more of your bullshit lies! You threw any chance at a rational discussion out the door, the moment you started lying to me!” She yelled hitting her hand on the table angrily. “Now, have you been in contact with my mother at all!?”

“No,” he said simply rubbing his face, trying to stay calm for the both of them.

Violet glared at her father. “Then what are these!” she yells throwing several documents on the table. Lemony glanced at them and he saw correspondence letters from Beatrice, a copy of a telegram, and the letter that Beatrice sent to him asking him to temporarily take their daughter.

“You went through my stuff?” He asked feeling his annoyance and anger rise. He took a deep breath. “Violet Malina Snicket…” he began prepared to lecture her on respecting people’s personal property.

“Answer the question!” 

“Violet! Do not speak to me like that!” He yelled back. Violet glared at him.

“Answer me!” she cried angrily. “What are  _ these!?”  _

“Vi, those are old,” 

“How can I be so sure? You’re a known liar and there aren't any dates on any of these letters!”

Lemony tried to disguise his hurt from Violet’s words, but he was unsuccessful. His guilt was taking over, suppressing his anger. “Violet, you have to take my word…”

“Your word means shit!” She screamed, slamming her hand down on the table.

“Violet Malina!” he yelled back. “I am not going to sit here any longer and let you speak to me this way!” he took a deep breath. “I have been quite patient with you, young lady. First, you’ve gone through my personal belongings, snooped through my work documents, and now you’re accusing me of lying…”

Violet rubbed her face angrily as her hands formed tight fists. She laughed a cruel laugh before yelling, “Accusing…. _ accusing!?  _ No, I am proving. ‘Accusing’ is a word which here means…” she began mocking her father.

“ _ I know what ‘accusing’ means!  _ Do not get smart with me, young lady!” 

“Apparently, you don’t. Cause it’s not accusing if I can drown you with evidence.”

Lemony sighed angrily and tried to think of something to say.

“So...what’s VFD?” 

“Nothing important. Definitely not something you need to worry about,”

“Really? Because I have evidence of the contrary,” she replied annoyed.

“Violet…” 

She took the spyglass out of her pocket and slammed it on the table. “You wanna show me how this thing works,” 

“You...you had my spyglass…” he said confused.

“Yep. Sure did. I’m not completely sure what it does, but I assume you can receive codes from special movies with it.”

His face went pale as his eyes got wide. “How do you know that?”

“I followed you to the movies,” she admitted.

Lemony shook his head fiercely in utter denial. “No...no you didn’t. I would’ve noticed my own daughter.”

“Not if I was in disguise,” Violet said simply.

“How do you know how to use disguises?”

“I’ve learned from the best...honestly, I’m surprised I’m not a politician. With the amount of lying you’ve done over the years, I’d surely be an expert at lying.”

“Violet! That’s  _ enough! _ ” Lemony yells but Violet doesn’t back down. She continues glaring at her father. Fire still within her inner core, boiling her blood.

“Why won’t you let me meet her?” Violet asked quietly.

“I haven’t found her yet,” Lemony lied.

“You’re lying!” Violet yelled. “Why don’t you ask someone from your cult! Cults don’t usually let people defect, which can explain why you’re both pronounced dead  _ and  _ on the run.”

“Violet…”

“ _ Let me meet her!”  _

“I don’t know where she is!”

“Then ask VFD!” Violet yelled. “Ask your cult with their disguises and their codes. Surely, they can locate her! Or does she have enemies, too?”

Lemony’s eyes went wide. “How do you know that? Who have you come in contact with?” he asked desperately.

“Doesn’t matter,” 

“Violet, it  _ does  _ matter! There are people from my past who would give anything to hurt you...and I will not let them, but I need you to cooperate with me!”

Violet shook her head. “I will  _ never  _ be apart of your cult! VFD has ruined your life! It’s ruined my life before it even began! VFD…” she began choking on her words. “VFD forced you to kill someone!”

Lemony frowned realizing that Violet knew too much. 

“VFD...I mean...you’re not...you’re right.” Lemony stammered.

“Why would you  _ stay  _ in an ‘organization’ that would coerce you to commit murder!?” she yelled. “Like do they have dirt on you? Are they blackmailing you? Did they threaten  _ me _ ?”

“It’s…” Lemony started trying to find the right words, but he was completely speechless. His daughter knew too much. She knew too much and this knowledge could make her a target to both sides of the schism. “Violet...you have to let this go. You have to forget everything you know about VFD...or…”

“Or what they’ll find me and kidnap me?” She asked watching her father’s expression change. “I know...they kidnap children…and force them to be volunteers.” She began quoting the ‘Snicket Lad’. “When we drive away in secret, you'll be a volunteer. So don’t scream when we take you...the world is quiet here.” 

Lemony’s eyes went wide. “Don’t  _ ever  _ say that phrase to anyone!”

“Why...is that how they know who their members are? Is that how they assume a child is ready for their apprenticeship?”

“How...how do you know all this…?” he asked desperately. Looking at the evidence she laid on the table. He knew not a single piece of evidence spoke about apprenticeship. Someone had to have told her that. But who?

Instead of answering, Violet proposed a question of her own. “When we went to the fair when I was younger, did VFD try to kidnap me twice?” 

He nodded his head with a defeated sigh. 

“Which side? The ones who start the fires or the ones who put them out?” 

“Both. The man with the two children...he’s an old associate of mine and your mother’s. He’s too far gone...completely brainwashed. The other two are monsters...people that I’ve spent your entire life keeping you away from!” 

“So you willingly ‘volunteer’ for a cult that kidnaps children!?”

“I’ve never kidnapped a child…”

“But you have murdered,” 

Lemony just frowned. Unfortunately, he had murdered more than once. There was the night at the opera and that one time during his apprenticeship in Staind-by-the-Sea. But Violet didn’t need to know about  _ both  _ of these incidents.

“Who’s the Snicket Lad?” she asked impatiently throwing the song down on the table.

Lemony rubbed his face again. “That’s not important,”

“They kidnapped you and made you do their bidding. Telling you that it was a wicked thing to do for a noble reason...they brainwashed you. They have you investigating fires that defects of their cult are starting.” Violet cried as she began to ramble, pointing at his investigation board. “But they can’t give you the location of my mother?”

“Violet…it’s complicated,” he replied.

“Who are those kids?” she asked pointing at a picture of a young boy with glasses and an infant with sharp teeth.

“They’re not important…” Lemony lied.

“Really? You have a whole investigation board dedicated to them!” she yelled. “But yet...no investigation board dedicated to finding my mother.”

Lemony opened his mouth to speak, but he decided against it. Anything he would say about the connection between that investigation board and her birth mother would tell her about her mother’s tragic death. Lemony knew she had every right to know...he just did not feel that right now, during her break down and interrogation, was the best time to tell her.

Violet growled and smacked the table again. “ _ Why won’t you let me meet her?  _ Tell me again...tell me again how I got conveniently separated from her and into your custody?” she asked, her anger fully taking over. Her words were spat out like venom. The look on her face was one that her father didn’t recognize. He knew it was his daughter speaking, but it did not sound or look like her.

“What are you implying?” Lemony asked sternly.

“I saw her marriage proposal retraction, too,” Violet explains, lifting the briefcase onto the table. “You know, my initials aren’t the best combination...pretty obvious,” she remarked.

“Violet! This is enough!” 

“Did you kidnap me!? Because this letter clearly states that she was going to work out a plan where I can be raised by you, her and B!” 

Lemony was speechless. He didn’t know what to say. Violet was coming at him with so much information, he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t just tell her that her mother was dead and he was trying to protect her younger half-siblings. Violet began to read the letter aloud to her father. “ _ After that, you and I can discuss possible arrangements for Violet, so she can grow up with all three of her parents. I am truly sorry, my dear, for the events that have transpired and for the retracted marriage proposal but The Force of Destiny has taken over and has made it impossible for us to be together any longer. But no matter what, I don’t believe that Violet should be punished for things not going the way that we had planned. I hope you agree on this matter. _ ” She read aloud angrily. “She was willing to share! She was willing to let you raise me as well. It was never going to be just her and it never should have been just you!”

Lemony looked at Violet, speechless. He frowned. He felt defeated. He didn’t know what to say at all. She completely surprised him with this. Violet continued to glare at her father as she opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed her mouth. She sighed.

“What?” Lemony asked.

“Why didn’t you give me back to her? Why didn’t you share me with her? She was willing…” 

“Violet...life got in the way. The on the run life was new to me…I had to relocate to  _ protect  _ you! You will  _ never _ understand the dangers that I have faced...you will  _ never  _ understand what I have sacrificed to keep you safe!”

“You know my whole life...I thought it was  _ me  _ she didn’t want,” Violet stated in a quieter voice than the one she had been using, not even caring. 

“Huh?”

“She wanted  _ me,”  _ Violet said to herself then her anger took hold of her again and before she could stop herself, she glared at her father looking him in the eye. “ _ It was  _ ** _you _ ** _ that she didn’t want! _ ” She screamed at the top of her lungs.

Lemony was taken aback by what Violet had just said. The truth hit him like a train. Lemony could feel tears forming from his eyes. He quickly wiped them, staying silent. Staring at the heated mess that his daughter was. He was angry. He was disappointed. He was hurt. He was guilt-ridden. But deep down inside, he knew that Violet was right. Beatrice did not want him...she had explained this in a two hundred page letter that his daughter apparently has read. He felt humiliated, he felt destroyed. He ruined all hope of living his happily ever after with Beatrice the moment that he convinced her to steal from their former friend and to commit that double homicide. Now, nearly fifteen years later he has his daughter throwing it into his face. She was placing all the blame for the wrongs in her life on Lemony and he didn’t fault her for that. He understood why she was doing that. He felt that she was correct, he was in the wrong for everything. He has ruined more lives than Count Olaf has, and he hated himself for it. It seemed to him that his daughter would have been better off if he never met up with Beatrice that Thursday so many years ago.

Violet stood there trying to do her best to not show that she was sorry. Trying to show that she didn’t care that her venomous words had hit her father harder than she thought they would. She wasn’t used to making her father cry. She has seen him cry, yes, but the only times that she had made him cry...they were happy cries, proud cries, relieved cries. They were never sorrowful cries. He had never cried due to what she said to him, so it slightly hit her that maybe she had been too harsh.

Lemony stood there for several more moments trying to process what his daughter had just said. He glanced around the room, his eyes focusing on his investigation board.  _ Fuck!  _ He thought. He remembered Jacquelyn’s phone call to him earlier that day, he knew he had to go help the Baudelaires but he couldn’t leave his daughter. Not like this.

He sat down. Violet continued to glare at him. 

“What do you want me to say?” he asks still wiping tears from his eyes.

“First, I want you to give up VFD...nothing good will come of it,” she said in a meek voice still trying to hide the fact that she was beginning to feel bad for what she had said.

He rubbed his face while he sighed. “Right now, I can’t do that,” he said finally.

“Why?” 

“It’s hard to explain.”

Violet’s anger boiled through her veins again. “Is this why she left you...because you wouldn’t give it up...you convinced her...to murder,” she said in a chilling tone. “ _ She didn’t want you so you took me to punish her!”  _

Lemony stood up. “No! That’s not how any of this went, Violet!” as the phone began to ring. Both Violet and Lemony glanced at it. Neither one stood to pick it up.

Violet rolled her eyes. “Oh, look. Your cult is calling...right on time. Let me guess, those kids on that investigation board they want you to kidnap them, don’t they?”

“No…” Lemony said defensively. “It’s not like that! I’m not kidnapping children! I didn’t purposely take you from your mother!”

“I don’t believe you…” she said simply shrugging her shoulders and shaking her head. She watched as her father’s face went pale as he frowned. “Do you blame me? All you’ve done is lie to me,”

Lemony sighed as he began to cry a bit harder now. Still looking at the phone as it rang again. He knew it was Jacquelyn. If she was calling twice, he knew it was bad. Something was happening to the Baudelaires. He would call her back using his taxi phone.

“Give VFD up...whatever they’re calling for, they can handle,” Violet said again. “Just give up your cult…”

“I already told you, I can’t,” Lemony said as he began walking towards the door.

“Where are you going!?” she yelled standing up quickly.

“Back to work,” he said simply.

“You didn’t answer  _ any  _ of my questions! You don’t get to walk away!  _ What’s VFD?!”  _ She screamed.

Lemony turned around to face his daughter, his face was red and tear-stained. He looks her dead in the eye and says, “It’s better if you don’t know,” and with that, he turns to the door again.

This infuriated Violet. “ ** _I hate you!” _ ** She screamed in his direction, allowing every ounce of venomous anger to pour from her mouth. “ ** _I hate you!” _ ** she screamed again as he didn’t turn around to confront her, he simply kept walking. She rushed to the doorway and peered out of it as she watched him walk away. “ ** _I fucking hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you!” _ ** She screamed wiping angry tears from her cheeks. He kept walking down the hallway, wiping the tears from his eyes. He heard the harsh sound of their door slam but he still didn’t turn back. He couldn’t face his daughter right now, she had never said that to him. And because of that, Lemony believed that she meant every word. Lemony’s tears continued to fall even when he reached his taxi, even as he called back Jacquelyn and explained to her that he was on his way to Paltryville. 

As Violet slammed the door to her home, she screamed one final time as she slid to the ground in a fit of rage. She couldn’t breathe from how hard she was crying. This interrogation did not go as she planned, although she had a feeling her father would continue to deny and try to cover up his involvement in VFD. She laid on the ground and curled up into a big ball of guilt, anger, and sadness. 

I don’t have to tell you that there are times in our lives, where we are either so mad or so sad because we feel betrayed and lied to, and we just say things that we simply do not mean. We say the first irrational things that pop into our minds without thinking of the consequences or impact that our words have on the person that we are saying them to. It is a very common thing, to say these rather mean and impactful words and immediately feel guilty because deep down you know you didn’t mean them. But you said them anyway simply to intentionally hurt the other person.

And sometimes...we may not know it (until it’s too late) but these harsh words could be the last thing we ever say to someone…


	48. The One Where Olaf's in a Dress

** _Chapter Forty-Seven:_ **

_ The One Where Olaf’s in a Dress _

The closer that the Baudelaire siblings got to the eye-shaped building, the more Sunny felt like she wanted to throw up. She didn’t want to lose Klaus again. She didn’t know how Klaus could be physically with her but mentally a million miles away, but she did know that she didn’t want it to happen ever again. 

She turned to Klaus and shook her head. “Reditus,” Sunny pleaded, which meant, “You can’t go back there,”

“Sunny…”

“Periclum,” She replied, which meant, “It’s too dangerous, Klaus. Something happened to you last time.”

“I don’t care...I have to be able to see,” he said in a false confident voice. He was trying to act tough for his baby sister, but on the inside, he was terrified. He didn’t know what happened to him last time, but he was right when he said that he needed to be able to _ see. _

“Nocere,” she pointed out, which meant, “What if you get hurt?”

“Sunny, you’re the one who wanted to stay!” Klaus cried impatiently.

“Mea culpa,” she said looking down to the ground, which meant, “I know this is my fault, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I put you in danger. I don’t know why they blame our parents for the fire, and I don’t care anymore. I just want you to be safe.”

“This isn’t your fault…”

Sunny shook her head. “Effugere,” she suggested, which meant, “Yes it is. We could run away. We could hide until the next train arrives, and take it as far as possible. We know how to work in a lumber mill now, so we could get jobs in some other town.”

Klaus shook his head. “But what if he finds us? Who would protect us from Count Olaf, if were all by ourselves?”

Sunny looked at Klaus baffled. “Praesidio!” She shouted, which meant, “He _ has _found us! And we can protect ourselves!”

“How can we protect ourselves when one of us is a baby and the other can barely see?” Klaus asked.

“Ante!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “We’ve protected ourselves before. We’ve always protected each other.”

“Just barely,” Klaus pointed out, “We’ve just barely escaped Count Olaf each time. We can’t run away and try to get along by ourselves without glasses. We have to go see Dr. Orwell and hope for the best.” 

Sunny gave a tiny shriek of fear. “Relinquo,” she pleaded, which meant, “We have to leave.”

“And we will...after we finish at Dr. Orwell’s,” Klaus said in a soft tone.

“Bomby!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “We don’t know what will happen to you inside there. It’s like the Great Unknown!” 

Klaus chuckled. “That’s a myth, Sunny.”

“Dada,” Sunny suggested, which meant, “that’s not what Father told me,” 

Klaus rolled his eyes. “Father loved to tell old wise tales. He stopped telling them to me because I got too old and logical, Sunny.”

“Bomby!” She said again, which meant, “We still don’t know what happened to you last time!” 

“Well this time...I have you to protect me,” Klaus said smiling down at his baby sister. Sunny couldn’t tell if that was meant to be sarcastic or serious, but she had no time to question her brother’s tone since they had arrived at the eye-shaped building.

Both Baudelaire siblings looked at the eye-shaped building, and the building looked back at them. To Klaus, of course, Dr. Orwell’s office just looked like a big blur, but to his sister, it looked like trouble. Klaus reached for the doorknob.

“No!” Sunny hissed incredulously, “Nolen,” which meant, “You’re not going inside.”

“What else can I do?” Klaus asked quietly. He began to feel along the side of the building to find the door, and it’s at _ this _point in the story of the Baudelaires that I would like to interrupt for a moment and answer a question that has been asked by many of my associates over the years. It is an important question, one which many, many, people have asked many, many times, in many, many places all over this world. If you continue to choose to look this misery in the eye, you should be asking that very question. 

It’s the same question that the two Baudelaires should’ve asked, and a question that the beloved Beatrice should’ve asked on the day that she had died (although I have reasons to believe that she had asked this question...but it was far too late), It is a question I am sure that Lemony Snicket, himself, had asked several times during dire situations. 

And that question is: _ Where is Count Olaf? _

If you have been following the story of the two Baudelaire orphans since the very beginning as closely as I have researched it, then you know that Count Olaf is _ always _ lurking around these poor children, plotting and scheming to get his disgusting hands on their parents’ fortune. Within hours of the children’s arrival at Lucky Smells Lumbermill, Count Olaf and his nefarious assistants--the word ‘nefarious’ in this case means “Baudelaire-hating”--were already on the scene, sneaking around and committing dastardly deeds. And yet so far he has yet to be _ seen _ by either Baudelaire orphans. So as the two youngsters reluctantly stepped foot into Dr. Orwell’s office. I feel it is my duty to tell you... _ very nearby. _

They were immediately greeted by Dr. Orwell, who smiled sweetly at the Baudelaires while holding her long black cane with a shiny red jewel on the top. “Why hello, Klaus. I didn’t expect to see you back so soon. Don’t tell me you broke your glasses again.”

“Unfortunately, yes,” Klaus admitted.

“That’s too bad, sweetie.” She said rubbing his shoulder comfortingly. “But you’re in luck, it shouldn’t take as long as it did yesterday.” Dr. Orwell smiled at Sunny, who shot her a suspicious glance back. “And you’ve brought your adorable baby sister with you, how sweet.”

She patted Sunny on the head. Sunny stared at the woman up and down for the second time today. It was the same sweet woman she had met earlier when Dr. Orwell delivered her brother’s glasses to him. She was glad to not see count Olaf disguised as Dr. Orwell.

“Come on,” Dr. Orwell said, showing the way with her black cane. “Shirley, my receptionist, made some cookies that the little baby can eat in the waiting room while I make Klaus’ glasses.”

Klaus just nodded and followed Orwell slowly to the waiting room, they walked along a hallway decorated with medical certificates. “This way to the office,” Orwell said holding out her cane for Klaus to grab with his free hand to help him walk without bumping into everything. “Klaus told me he's an avid reader, do you like to read?” Orwell asked Sunny. Smiling when she noticed the young infant slowly beginning to relax.

“Yep!” Sunny shrieked.

“I’ve been teaching her how to read,” Klaus pointed out happily, as he was beginning to relax.

“Awww, that is so sweet. What a good big brother, you are.” Orwell replied, sneaking an eye roll that Sunny did not notice.

Orwell gave the waiting room door a little push and had the children follow her. Sunny glanced around the waiting room and her heart immediately dropped. The waiting room was a small one, and it looked like most waiting rooms. It had a sofa and a few chairs and a small table with old magazines stacked on it, and a receptionist sitting at a desk. But when Sunny looked at the receptionist, she saw something that made the younger Baudelaire orphan bare her teeth as she began to growl and glare.

A nameplate on the desk read, “Shirley”, but this was no Shirley, even though the receptionist was wearing a plain pink blouse, with a red belt around the waist. Underneath the belt was a long pink skirt with yellow patterns embroidered on it. The outfit also included red heels, a pair of glasses that looked suspiciously similar to the ones that Dr. Orwell and Klaus had, a pair of white earrings, and red lipstick. The receptionist had their strawberry blonde hair up in a weird hairstyle. But above the red lipstick and just below the hairdo was a pair of shiny, shiny eyes that Sunny recognized at once.

When Sunny began growling and struggling in Klaus’ arms, Klaus began to tense up again, wondering what had his sister so agitated. “Sunny…”

Dr. Orwell looked shocked. “What’s wrong with the little sweetheart,” she asked.

“I’m not sure,” Klaus said squinting to try to see what Sunny was staring at, but no matter how hard he squinted he could not see anything but a blurred silhouette of a person sitting behind the receptionist’s desk.

Sunny starts flipping out once Shirley smirked at Klaus. She tried her best to get her brother to let her go. “Sunny, what’s wrong?”

“Badman!” Sunny yelled. “Fucker!” 

Klaus’ heart dropped knowing immediately what his sister was talking about. Klaus tried to squint but in the other direction. “Where?” he asked desperately holding Sunny closer to him in order to protect her, which further annoyed Sunny, who wanted to be put down so she can attack Dr. Orwell’s receptionist.

“What’s wrong, kids?” Orwell asked feigning confusion.

Both Baudelaires ignored her, as Klaus began to practically spin in circles trying to locate what Sunny was talking about. It wasn’t until Shirley stood up that Sunny bared her teeth again. “Bite!” she yelled warning him. Shirley stayed behind the desk shooting Sunny a glare. Sunny turned to Klaus. “Olaf,” she said. “Der!” grabbing Klaus’ face and trying to get him to face the villain. But every time Sunny pushed his face, he turned his whole body in that direction instead of simply turning his head.

Klaus began to shake nervously. He continued squinting in every direction. Klaus was pissed, this was completely unfair of Olaf to do. Not only was Sunny an infant, but without his glasses, Klaus was blind. Both Baudelaires were more defenseless than they had ever been before. “Where, Sunny?”

“Recep!” Sunny exclaimed, which meant, “he’s the receptionist!” 

“The receptionist?” Klaus cried.

“Why, hello darling little children. How are you today? Would you like some freshly baked cookies?” Shirley asks in a ridiculously high voice. 

Klaus began to shake violently and he held Sunny even closer to him. “Olaf...show yourself!” he yelled squinting in the opposite direction. Sunny tried her best to get her brother to turn the correct way but it was beginning to seem pointless. So Sunny turned to face Olaf glaring at him.

“My...my...my... You are such a silly child. My name is Shirley and I am right here sitting at my desk,” Shirley explained.

“You’re Olaf!” Klaus shouted, still not turned to face the villain. Klaus continued to shake even if he somehow found the courage to yell at Olaf. 

“No, my name is Shirley. It’s on my nameplate and my name badge,” Shirley explained.

“Bull!” Sunny yelled.

Klaus gave up trying to see Olaf and began to try to backtrack out of Dr. Orwell’s office.

“Children, you seem confused…” Dr. Orwell said.

Klaus shook his head furiously. Still trying to find the exit. 

Shirley smirked at Sunny. “Yes. My name is Shirley, I am a lonely receptionist and I would _ love _ to have children of my own. _ Two orphans, _ in fact.” Shirley explained, “One of each. A vision-impaired _ obedient _little boy and a baby girl with a set of teeth that’d be considered a dentist’s nightmare.” Shirley says, walking away from the desk and closer to Klaus and Sunny.

“Sucks for you! Sir and Charles are raising us!”

“Oh, he’ll hand you over soon enough…” Shirley replied in a harsh whisper. “Just wait and see,” 

“I bite!” Sunny warned.

“Dr. Orwell,” Klaus cried.

“What’s wrong, children?” the optometrist asked in her sickly-sweet voice.

“Please...you have to listen to me, your receptionist is a notorious villain,” 

“Bastard!” Sunny added.

“Children...I don’t understand...what are you talking about?” she asked as she gently grabbed Klaus’ arm to keep him from finding the exit.

“Shirley is a man named Count Olaf in disguise,” Klaus explained, his heart beating rapidly. “Please, call the authorities!” 

“I’m confused, too, Dr. Orwell,” Shirley replies. “I don’t know who is this Count Omar person is, although he does sound quite handsome.”

“Your name is not Omar! It’s Olaf! Not Shirley, or Sham, or Stephano!” Klaus yelled as he began to shake more.

“See, I’m utterly confused. I think the boy is just scared of the optometrist,” Shirley said mockingly. “So I’ll forgive him for calling me by the wrong name,” 

“Dr. Orwell, please. Please believe me,” Klaus pleaded.

“Now, Klaus...Shirley does have a point. You were nervous yesterday and you admitted that you were nervous during your first trip to the optometrists. Maybe your mind is playing tricks on you, sweetheart.” Dr. Orwell said in a concerned voice.

“I bet the little crybaby needs his mommy and daddy to hold his hand,” Shirley said mockingly smirking at Sunny, knowing Klaus can’t see any of the faces that were being made. “But alas, they won’t be helping him out...ever again.” 

“Fucker!” Sunny shouted growling.

“Let me tell you what,” Dr. Orwell said gently taking Sunny from Klaus. “Why don’t we just go back and get you some new glasses and then you and your baby sister can leave and go back home.” 

“No...no…I can’t leave her in here with him,” Klaus explained reaching out for his sister but unable to see her.

Dr. Orwell set Sunny gently down on the couch and handed her a cookie. “She’ll be fine, Shirley will stay here and simply watch her. We should be done in a jiffy, Klaus.” 

“No, you don’t understand!” Klaus cried. Dr. Orwell gave a quick smirk to Shirley, which Sunny did not see because she was too busy glaring at the receptionist. She walked over to Klaus and gently grabbed his arm.

“Wave bye-bye to your sister,” Dr. Orwell said kindly to Klaus. “We’ll be right back, Sunny,” she called out as she gently dragged Klaus into her examination room closing the door behind them. 

Sunny glared at Shirley from the couch. “Bite!” she warned again. Olaf merely rolled his eyes at the infant, who began to bare her teeth at the villain. Shirley smiled at the infant. “Animo!” she yelled, which meant, “I’m not scared of you, bitch!” 

Sunny watched as the villain shook his head and shrugged his shoulders indicating that he has no idea what she was saying. She rolled her eyes and carefully thought about how she could interrogate Olaf.

“Hide?” She asked, which meant, “You’ve been cowardly hiding in this eye-shaped building since we’ve arrived haven’t you?”

“Perhaps,” Shirley replied.

“Team?” She asked, which meant, “And you’re in cahoots with Orwell, aren't you?”

“Possibly,” 

“Zom!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “And somehow Dr. Orwell and you turned Klaus into a zombie!”

“Maybe,” 

Sunny glared at the villain. “Re!” Sunny cried, “And she’s going to do it again, right now, isn’t she?”

“It’s within the bounds of the imagination, dear child,” Olaf replied smirking at Sunny. “Would you like to hear what _ I _imagine happening to your brother?” he asked with a big toothy grin. 

Sunny took a deep breath. “Redrum!” she shouted, which meant, “If you lay a finger on my brother, I’ll kill you with my own bare hands!” 

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Olaf replied rolling his eyes. “I imagine someone taking a sharp, sharp knife and just slicing away at his little orphany skin, but the trick is to not immediately kill him. Oh no, that’d be letting him off _ way _ too easily. No, I imagine whoever gets the honor to do this, allowing all of his blood to slowly pour out....sort of like a waterfall. Oh, I can hear the screams of agony already. _ Music to my ears! _” Olaf hissed laughing like an unhinged psychopath. He was trying his best to scare Sunny, but what Olaf still hasn’t learned about the younger Baudelaire orphan is she was tougher and braver than she looked. Sunny’s eyes went wide with anger, not fear as she stared down the disguised villain. 

“And there’s no one to save him…” Olaf commented mockingly. “Just a stupid little baby,”

Sunny’s blood began to boil. “Bite!” She cried as she quickly climbed down from the couch. Olaf stood up shocked and terrified of the feral infant who was making her way towards him. Sunny was now out for blood. She didn’t give a damn about anything other than protecting her brother.

“Get back!” he yelled as he threw cookies at her.

“Rip!” She yelled angrily as she reached Shirley, which meant, “If you hurt my fucking brother again I will rip you to shreds with my four fucking teeth, you worthless piece of shit!” She opened and closed her mouth rapidly imitating the act of biting to freak Olaf out. It seemed to work because after he threw his last cookie at Sunny, he screamed and ran towards the door that Klaus and Orwell walked through. To Sunny’s dismay, he closed the door behind him before she could reach it, keeping her trapped in the waiting room. But worst of all keeping Klaus trapped in there with him and Orwell.

______________________________________________________________________

Dr. Orwell helped Klaus find the chair. Klaus was shaking, imagining what Olaf could be doing to his baby sister right now. “Dr. Orwell,” 

“Yes, Klaus,” Dr. Orwell asked. “Are you nervous?” 

“Well, yes...” 

“Now, Klaus. Didn’t we go through this yesterday, everything is going to be fine. This won’t even take as long as yesterday.” Orwell interrupted, feigning a look of concern.

“It’s not you that I’m freaking about...it’s your receptionist!”

“I don’t see why,” Dr. Orwell said as she turned Klaus’ chair towards the screen.

“Dr. Orwell, _ please _ listen to me. Your receptionist is not named Shirley. Your receptionist is _ Count Olaf in disguise, _”

Dr. Orwell was silent for a second, as she slowly began to smirk. “_ I know, _ ” she hissed at Klaus before Klaus could process what she had just said, he heard two loud, metal _ clangs! _ As leg and arm restraints came down, restraining him to the chair. Dr. Orwell started chuckling as Klaus heard another loud, metal _ clang! _As she pushed down a head restraint. 

Klaus began to struggle against the restraints at first, but when he realized that he was hopelessly trapped, Klaus began having a full-on panic attack worse than every other panic attack he’s ever had. His body violently shook and trembled in the chair, as his heart started beating rapidly. His breathing became sharp and difficult. His eyes were moving every which way trying to focus on something to bring himself back to reality. He felt tears falling from his eyes. Klaus’ mind kept reminding him of the last time he was trapped and the horrendous deeds Olaf had done. Klaus started screaming as loud as he could, but most of his screams were hoarse because his breathing had affected him, he felt like his body was going numb and he was becoming lightheaded from his breath becoming short and sharp. Almost immediately, he started pleading with Orwell. “I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I’ll behave...I promise I’ll behave,”

Orwell looked at him confused seeing that she hadn’t even said much to him. Only confirming that she knew Shirley’s true identity.

“Please...please...don’t let him hurt Sunny. Let him take me…” Klaus pleaded, as he began to lose the feeling in his hands and feet. He shook his hands and kicked his feet the best he could in the restraints to stop the tingling numbness. 

“Oh, Klaus. Your sister will be just fine...for now. You see, Olaf wants to get a hold of you brats _ legally _ so _ no one _can stop him.” Orwell explained.

“L-look, if...if...you let me go...I’ll give you my half of the Baudelaire fortune once I turn eighteen. I...I don’t need the money.” He pleaded still suffering through his panic attack.

“Oh, Klaus, silly boy,” Orwell chucked. “It was _ never _about the fortune to me...it’s about…” Orwell began.

“Oh, Georgina...don’t tell him what _ else _this is all about,” Shirley interrupted walking in front of Klaus. Shirley gave the young boy a big smile. “It’s so lovely to see you again, Klaus.” Shirley hissed chuckling. 

Even though Klaus’ vision was blurred and he couldn’t see Olaf clearly, all it took was Olaf’s voice to send him into another panic attack. He shook and trembled against the restraints of Dr. Orwell’s chair. The only thing his mind could think about was the possible ways that Olaf was going to hurt him this time. The young boy closed his eyes trying to imagine himself anywhere but here.

“Wait, I thought you were watching the baby,” Orwell commented glaring at Olaf.

“She’s a useless baby. What can she do other than bite?” 

Orwell looked at Olaf with a highly unamused expression. “Did you run in here because she threatened to bite you?” 

Olaf looked away from Dr. Orwell, slightly embarrassed. He rolled his eyes, “The brat has fucking _ piranha _ teeth! Let her bite _ you _and let me know how it feels!” Olaf growled remembering all the times that Sunny bit him in an attempt to defend herself and her older brother.

“You’re pathetic. It’s no wonder you’ve lost to these children _ three times _now,” Orwell commented rolling her eyes.

Olaf just ignores her and turns to Klaus. “Besides, I wanted to check in on my favorite little punching bag,” he said pinching a helpless Klaus’ cheek.

The second that Olaf touched him, Klaus’ panic attacked severely worsened. The boy’s symptoms all flared up seemingly all at once, as he began to whimper. “I’ll behave...I promise I’ll behave. Don’t hurt Sunny. Don’t hurt me.” 

Olaf began to chuckle. As he placed a rough hand on Klaus’ shoulder. “Once I have you back in my care…” he hissed glaring at Klaus. “Just imagine what I am going to do to you for misbehaving for sooooo long. I can not wait to see you and Sunny suffer by my hands.”

Klaus closed his eyes as his breathing became rapid, his head felt heavy, his body felt numb. He turned to Dr. Orwell the best he could while in the restraints. “Please...please. Let me go,” he cried. Dr. Orwell simply ignored the boy. 

Olaf turned around examining the small table where Dr. Orwell had all of her surgical tools. “Hmmm...these don’t seem sharp enough, Georgina,” Olaf commented. “You have a broken umbrella lying around or a simple dagger?” 

“_ No...no...no...please…!” _ Klaus begged, his shaking worsening. He closed his eyes tightly as he struggled harshly in the chair. “ _ I’ll behave. I’ll listen... just don’t…” _he cried trying to shake his head. His eyes were blinking rapidly. Klaus felt like his lungs were on fire because he couldn’t breathe properly.

Dr. Orwell looked from Klaus to Olaf with a concerned look on her face. “My God. What the fuck did you do to him?” 

Olaf simply smiled. “Just...trust me. You don’t wanna know.” He chuckled after Georgina gave him a skeptical look. “Let’s just say he needed to learn his lesson.”

Klaus began to scream for help. Olaf slammed a hand over the young boy’s mouth, which did not help Klaus’ ever-worsening panic attack. “_ I’ll behave...Please…! Please, I’ll behave! I promise!” _Klaus’ muffled words were cried into Olaf’s hand. He looked to Dr. Orwell for some mercy, knowing full well that Olaf did not have any mercy.

“Then shut it!” Olaf hisses waiting for Klaus to stop yelling, begging, and crying. He removes his hand from Klaus’ mouth. “See, he’s like a puppy. Just got to train him.” If Klaus had any control over his eyes or hands right now, he probably would’ve glared at Olaf or flipped him off, but Klaus’ body was so numb, he didn’t even feel alive. He knew he was alive though because he felt his trembles and shakes.

“There are much easier ways into making him complacent,” Orwell pointed out. 

“Yeah...but this is more fun,” 

Orwell rolled her eyes. “And yet you’re afraid of the baby,” 

“A baby with piranha teeth!” Olaf cried defensively, “And I’m not afraid of her!” 

“Uh-huh. Sure. That’s why you ran in here to get away from her…” Orwell said as she turned on the screen in front of Klaus.

“No...I ran in here because I wanted to join in on the fun,” 

Klaus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down but to no avail. It took him a minute to speak, and when he finally did, it was in a weak, hoarse voice. “W-why do you h-hate us so much?” 

“Because it’s fun!” Olaf replied matter-a-factly. 

“W-what...what are you going to do w-with me?” Klaus asked in a meek voice. Klaus stopped struggling, his anxiety and fear finally taking over, completely paralyzing him. His body was entirely numb and cold. To his horror, his body and mind had given up. He stared at the blurry forms of the two villains completely terrified. He hoped that with his body in this current state of numbness that if Olaf had planned to harm him in a similar way that he did when he tried to rescue Sunny from the tower room, that he wouldn’t be able to feel any of it.

“Oh, you’ll see,” Dr. Orwell replied smirking.

“Well...not really,” Olaf corrected as he and Dr. Orwell laughed maniacally.


	49. The One With Sunny's Discoveries

** _Chapter Forty-Eight:_ **

_ The One With Sunny’s Discoveries _

Sunny Baudelaire sat in front of the door of Dr. Orwell’s examination room listening in agony as she could hear her brother’s pleading and cries. Her heart shattered. She looked up and stretched to reach the doorknob, but she couldn’t reach it. She didn’t know what she planned to do if she were able to get in there, but she knew she couldn’t just sit there and allow Olaf and Orwell to torture her brother. She felt hot tears run down her face as she listened to Klaus pleading to Olaf. She could even hear him bargaining with Olaf begging him to leave Sunny alone and take him. Sunny shook her head at this. He was willing to self sacrifice himself for her, but she wasn’t going to let him. She heard his hoarse screams as she tried to use her teeth against the door to climb up and reach the doorknob. But she still could not reach it.

She looked around Dr. Orwell’s waiting room looking for something she could use to reach the doorknob. She frowned when she realized that everything that could help her would be too hard for her to move. She noticed a box of documents underneath Shirley’s desk. She crawled over to it and tried her best to move it, but it didn’t even budge. She sighed angrily and opened the box, quickly taking the contents out of the box. She moved the papers towards the door. With every handful of documents, she tried to push the box towards the door. Eventually after what seemed like twenty small handfuls, Sunny emptied the box enough for her to push it towards the door. 

She pressed her ear to the door to try to eavesdrop on the two villains and whatever they were doing to her brother. She could hear ‘Shirley’ clearly annoying Dr. Orwell.

“Now, Klaus, you will awaken from your trance once I say the word…” Orwell began. _ Trance... _Sunny scratched her head trying to remember what this word meant. Did this have something to do with zombies because that’s what her brother had reminded her of...zombies. But he couldn’t be a zombie, zombies are dead and her brother, thankfully, wasn’t dead. 

“Lucky boy, would you like to do your impersonation of a chicken?” Olaf asked laughing. To Sunny’s surprise, she could hear her older brother clucking like a chicken. Once Klaus complied, Olaf started laughing harder. “Why didn’t I think of this?”

“See, this is _ exactly _why I told you to wait in the waiting room!” Orwell yelled annoyed. “Quit being a nuisance! Before you fuck everything up!”

“Oh come on, you’re absolutely no fun,” Olaf argued. “You can’t tell me this isn’t even the tiniest bit funny,”

“It’s not. It’s juvenile. You made a twelve-year-old cluck like a chicken, congrats,” Orwell said rolling her eyes, noticing that Klaus was still making chicken impressions. “You lucky brat, can you shut it!” Orwell snapped. Again, to Sunny’s surprise, Klaus immediately listened to the demand that the villain gave him. She was confused as to what was happening to her brother and why he was so complacent with the villains’ demands.

“I really wanna practice saying the secret words,” Olaf whined. _ Secret words? _Sunny asked confused trying to understand what Olaf was talking about.

“Why? So you could take over and you wouldn’t need me anymore?” Orwell accused. _ Take over? _Sunny asked herself as she continued to listen in on the two villains bickering.

Olaf gasped exaggeratedly. “Looks like someone has trust issues,” 

“_ Well, of course, I do! I dated you!” _Orwell shouted. Sunny grimaced at this image. She couldn’t picture anyone dating Olaf. He was the most repulsive, repugnant person she had ever met. 

“Lucky boy, can you tell Dr. Orwell to please stop bringing up the past?” Olaf asked.

“Stop bringing up the past,” Klaus said in the eerie monotone voice that Sunny heard from him last night. Sunny’s heart sank in her chest, whatever they were doing to her brother...it was too late, they did it again.

“Lucky orphan, would you tell Cunt Olaf to stop talking in that irritating voice?” Orwell asked angrily glaring at Olaf.

“Stop talking in that voice,” Klaus said monotonously.

“You drank all of my wine!” Olaf yelled at Orwell.

“You poisoned my fucking coffee!” Orwell yelled back.

“You tried to hypnotize me!” Olaf shouted. 

“It was the only way to shut you up!” Orwell admitted.

Sunny’s eyes lit up. _ Hypnotism. It all made sense. _ She thought to herself. She remembered back when Klaus had an interest in sci-fi concepts like hypnotism just a few months ago. The Baudelaires’ father had brought Klaus home a book entitled the _ Encyclopedia Hypnotica. _Sunny remembered this book because Klaus had read to her all the famous cases of hypnosis throughout history. Usually, Klaus would have read her the entire book, as he always did when he found a new book that he believed the two siblings would both enjoy. But with this book, it took Klaus getting through the first chapter and finding himself bored at what he was reading, that he had decided to only read the more interesting parts of the book. 

Luckily for Sunny, the parts that he did read to her, all had a common theme. They all mentioned the usage of suggestive words, or _ secret words, _as Olaf had called them. Luckily for the Baudelaire orphans, Sunny had an impressive memory similar to her brother’s. Although his memory was much superior when it came to remembering things that he had read. But Sunny did remember, Klaus, explaining to her that a hypnotist chooses one word to induce hypnotic suggestion and another word to break it. Sunny just had to figure out what both of these words were and pray that she’d be able to say the one that broke the spell. Her eyes got wide when she realized that some time today Klaus must have been unhypnotized. She strained her brain trying to remember what was said around the time her brother returned to his normal self.

Sunny debated on whether or not she should try to go into that room anymore. It was already too late to save Klaus from being hypnotized...but it wasn’t too late to eavesdrop and get her answers.

Sunny looked down at the documents she took the box, realizing she might want to hurriedly put these things back and make her way to the couch after she figures out the word that will awaken her brother from his zombie-like state. She wasn’t sure but these documents looked like medical records...but this town was desolate. _ Were these the lumber mill workers’ medical records. _ She shuffled through a few of them to see if she could recognize any names. Finally, she found a document that she believed had Phil’s name on it. Her eyes widen. _ Klaus isn’t the only victim of Dr. Orwell. _She thought. To Sunny, this would make sense as to why the workers never leave and why they are happy to work for coupons and gum. Sunny remembered when Klaus had suggested leaving to Phil and the other workers and how they all stood and chanted like zombies. Sunny shuddered. She knew she had to save her brother first and foremost and then she would help the mill workers.

She pressed her ear to the door again after the documents were put back into the box. “Now, Klaus,” She heard Orwell say. “You will awaken from your trance when I say the word ‘inordinate’.” 

A smile appeared on Sunny’s face. She took a mental note of that word. She didn’t know if she’d be able to say it...but she was going to try her hardest. She heard Olaf’s ridiculous heels walking towards the door, quickly Sunny crawled back to the couch in the waiting room. Olaf opened the door, followed by Dr. Orwell, who was leading Klaus. Klaus was wearing another new pair of glasses and was looking utterly confused.

Sunny frowned as she saw her brother’s expression. His eyes were colorless and grey again. His colorless eyes were wide and dazed, while his smile was distant. He stood there emotionless as Dr. Orwell looked sweetly down at Sunny. Sunny stared back at the hypnotist deciding to play along with Orwell’s game. “Goo-goo,” Sunny said, which meant, “I’m going to pretend I’m a helpless baby that has no idea what’s going on when in reality I have figured out your entire scheme without the help of my older brother,”

Dr. Orwell picked Sunny up, Sunny was ready to bite her if she tried anything but to Sunny’s surprise, the hypnotist handed her to her brother. “Now, Sunny here is your brother. He’s a little tired after his appointment. But he’ll be fine by tomorrow morning. More than fine, in fact. _ Much _more.” She said patting Sunny’s head.

Klaus took his sister from the hypnotist. Sunny looked confused. “Leave?” she asked, which meant, “Wait, we can leave? We’re really free to go?”

Sunny waited for Klaus to translate for her, but he just stood there confused. “We’re all done here, right,” Klaus muttered faintly. Sunny stared at her brother and wondered why he was acting slightly normal. She knew that he wasn’t completely fine but he wasn’t like he was last night.

“Yes, try not to break your glasses again, sweetheart,” Orwell replied.

“I’ll show them out,” Shirley said smirking.

“Bite!” She warned again baring her teeth at Olaf. 

Shirley stepped behind Orwell, who rolled her eyes at Olaf as Klaus looked down at Sunny slowly. “Sunny!” he said faintly. “Don’t threaten...to the nice lady,”

Sunny looked at her brother incredulously. “Nice?” Sunny asked.

Shirley escorted the two Baudelaires out of Orwell's office. Sunny looked at the villains utterly confused. She was surprised that they were actually letting the siblings go. 

“Goodbye, children,” Orwell said. “Although, I have a feeling that I’ll see you soon. After all, Klaus seems to have gotten very clumsy lately. Always breaking his glasses and causing accidents.”

“Roopish!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “They’re not accidents! They’re the results of hypnotism!” But the adults paid no attention to the younger Baudelaire orphan and Klaus didn’t translate for her.

“Off you go,” Orwell commented as Klaus began to walk awkwardly from the eye-shaped building to Lucky Smells. Sunny looked back at Dr. Orwell and Shirley, who was waving to the children. 

“Toodle-oo, you orphans!” Shirley called out giving both children a sinister smile, Klaus turned around as he smiled and waved back at Shirley absentmindedly.

Sunny stared at her brother incredulously. “Evaw?” Sunny hissed toward her brother, as they walked back to the mill, this meant, “How could you wave to him?”

Klaus continued to walk zombie-like back to the mill. His eyes still in a daze. “Shirley seems like a nice lady,” he said vaguely. “But I know I’ve met her somewhere before.”

“Olaf!” Sunny explained angrily.

“If you say so,” Klaus replied slowly. 

“Klaus…” Sunny whimpered miserably hugging her brother tightly. “Ballywot,” which meant, “I wasted time arguing and threatening Shirley when I should have tried to rescue you. You’ve been hypnotized again…” 

Klaus didn’t respond. He just kept aimlessly walking. Finally, the two children reached the mill and Klaus nearly bumped into Charles, who seemed to be on his way out of the mill’s ground. 

“Oh, children, Sir wanted to talk to you,” Charles said.

Klaus looked at Charles with a wide expression. “Why?” Sunny asked.

“He wanted to discuss what happened to cause today’s accidents,” Charles explained.

Sunny nodded and looked up at her brother. “Wait...what...what happened?” Klaus asked slowly trying to remember what had happened. He just stared at Charles. 

Charles looked at the children. “Are you tired, Klaus?” 

Klaus slowly nodded his head in response. 

“Well, just go talk to Sir real fast, then you can go to sleep,” Charles said directing Klaus and Sunny to Sir’s office. 

“Go?” Sunny asked realizing that Charles was leaving the mill when he bumped into the children. 

“Sir wants me to go to Dr. Orwell’s to get an eye exam,” Charles explained. “I have an appointment right now. She said she’d take me right after Klaus.”

Sunny’s eyes went wide. “NO!” She yelled at Charles. “Hypno!” she warned but Charles dismissed her warning as he opened the door to Sir’s office. 

“...tell them...I said hi….” Klaus said slowly to Charles. “And...thank you...for the glasses,” 

Charles smiled at Klaus and nodded. “Good luck, children. Just be polite and apologize profusely,” He muttered to Klaus, who simply stared into space. “That’s what I usually do.” Sunny sighed hearing this. Even someone her age could see that Charles deserved far better than Sir. As Charles walked to his optometrist appointment. She looked at Klaus. “Inor…” she began but she couldn’t say that rest. She frowned. Sunny needed to figure out the word that would help her control her brother. That way if it was an easier word, maybe she can use that word against Olaf. To keep control of her brother until she found a way to fix this. 

“Inord…” she tried to carefully sound it out as Klaus awkwardly walked to Sir’s office. She had absolutely no idea how she was going to say this word. She thought about maybe figuring out the word that could control her brother. If she was able to say that maybe she could take over like how Olaf was trying to take over control from Dr. Orwell.

“Come in!” Sir’s bellowing voice called out. Klaus slowly walked in and cautiously sat down. “I’m not an idiot. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with you since you caused that accident that crushed a man’s debarker dispenser and string machine!”

“Phil!” Sunny yelled, which meant, “What about Phil’s leg, fucker!” 

Sir pointed one of his fat fingers at Sunny. “That glib attitude will get you nowhere, little lady.” Sunny rolled her eyes as Sir continued. “See, accidents are caused by bad workers, and bad workers are _ not _tolerated at my Lumbermill!”

“...what...accidents?” Klaus asked faintly. 

“What do you mean ‘what accidents’!?” Sir bellowed smacking his hands on the table.

Sunny worriedly looked at her brother noticing that he was completely motionless to Sir’s outburst when she knows that Klaus would usually jump or begin to shake. “I’m confused, Sir,” Klaus admitted. 

“Then let me explain this to you, you little idiot!” Sir yelled. “Foreman Flacutono told me that _ you, _ ” he points his fat finger at Klaus, this time. “Were the one in control of the stamping machine! He told me that _ you _ were the one who allowed the stamping machine to push down the debarker dispenser and he explained to me that _ you _were the one who used the stamping machine to smash the string machine!” 

“Hypno!” Sunny explained, which meant, “The only reason all of that happened was because Klaus was hypnotized!” She waited for Klaus to translate for her, but he didn’t. After several moments, she yelled, “Hypno!” again but Klaus once again did not translate.

Sunny looked at her brother, who continued to stare into space. This worried Sunny. She didn’t know if she could continue a real conversation with Sir without her brother to translate for her.

“Now do you wanna hear the good news or the bad news first?” Sir asked.

“Bad,” Sunny replied.

“There’s a local receptionist who wants children of her own. You make one more mistake, and I’m gonna be forced to sack you and send you to live with her,” 

“No!” Sunny yelled.

“Wait…” Klaus replied his head spinning. “Nothing against...Shirley...but I don’t...think you can do...that,” 

“What!?” Sunny yelled at her brother. “_ Nil conscire?!” _ she shrieked, which meant, “ _ nothing against Shirley?! _ You mean _ everything against that bitch!” _

“I’ve interviewed her about her parenting methods, and I can vouch for her fully,” Sir continued as if the Baudelaires hadn’t spoken.

“Hypno!” Sunny shouted, which meant, “You can’t send us to live with Shirley. Klaus isn’t responsible for that accident. He was hypnotized.”

“I don’t have time for baby talk!” 

Sunny looked at Klaus to help her out, but all he did was smile absentmindedly.

“Is there something funny, boy?” Sir asked annoyed.

“No!” Sunny shouted. “Hypno!” 

“Now, do you understand what I am telling you two. One more accident and you will go live with Dr. Orwell’s receptionist.”

“Olaf!” Sunny explained. 

“...Olaf…? Where?” Klaus asked tiredly.

Sunny facepalmed. She knew she couldn’t be mad at her brother because right now when he says some stupid shit, she knew it was because of Dr. Orwell messing with his brain. but it was so hard. He was not helping her at all. 

“Do I look like an idiot to you, young lady?” Sir asked annoyed. “I have a complete description of count Olaf from Mr. Poe and this receptionist looked nothing like him. She was a very nice lady!”

“Bull!” Sunny said.

“See...Sunny...Shirley’s nice,” Klaus replied dazed.

Sunny turned to her brother and glared at him. “Shush!” she yelled at him, pointing her finger at him. Sunny realized that it might be easier to have this conversation without his constant interruption.

“Honestly, the best thing you’ve said all day, little lady!” Sir yelled. “You should take your own advice, though.”

“Fuck off!” Sunny yelled at Sir.

Sir began to pound his fists on his desk. “Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! You will _ not _ blame your fuck-ups on this Olaf person or on whatever the fuck ‘hypno’ means! You two troublesome brats are _ lucky _ I am giving you one final chance, so you better _ behave _ yourselves or out you go!”

Just like clock-work, Klaus’ expression became wide and distant, as if he were staring past Sir and into empty the void of space. “Yes, sir,” he muttered in a zombie-like tone.

Sunny whimpered, realizing that Sir must have used the word that induced Klaus’ hypnosis. She didn’t understand exactly what happened to people when they were hypnotized. She worried that the longer he was under this trance that sooner or later he will be stuck this way forever. Sunny closed her eyes trying to remember what Sir had just said, in a mere moment, her eyes went wide and a smile appeared upon her face. Sir had said ‘behave’, which Sunny remembered Olaf saying that to Klaus on several occasions. Usually, when Klaus would hear the word ‘behave’, Klaus would start to shake and undergo a panic attack. But this time, he didn’t. Sunny believed that Olaf, being the cruel motherfucker that he is, would have Dr. Orwell make this one of the secret words.

“Klaus…” she whimpered, she needed him right now. She hated seeing that her brother was mentally gone. He didn’t seem to care at all that Sir planned to send the Baudelaires to Shirley if Klaus caused another accident. As Sunny stared into Klaus’ lifeless eyes, Sunny realized that somehow Olaf was going to get Klaus to cause another accident. She didn’t know how but she knew that Klaus was a lifeless puppet right now. Sunny knew by now that Count Olaf was going to do everything he could to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune. Sunny remembered how Olaf murdered Uncle Monty and Aunt Josephine. Although, she couldn’t imagine that Klaus would be capable of the sort of heinous murders that Count Olaf had committed, but she could not be sure. Not when he was hypnotized. Not when all Olaf had to do was ask him to do something and Klaus would absentmindedly obey like when Olaf had him cluck like a chicken. “Behave,” she said, but all Klaus did was stare into space and not even acknowledge her. Sunny frowned to herself. 

Sunny turned to Sir. “Good?” she asked wondering what the good news could be. 

“The good news is that you won’t be separated. At first, I had debated simply sending the trouble-maker to live with the receptionist because you, young lady, are an economic bonanza. You do the work of an adult for no gum at all. And you don’t even need a debarker. But then I thought about it and without him around,” Sir said pointing at Klaus. “Charles or I would have to take care of you. And I’m too busy running a mill and Charles is too busy doing my chores.”

“Fucker!” Sunny yelled holding tightly to Klaus. She would kill someone who tried to separate the Baudelaires. She was also yelling at him for being so cruel to Charles. She wholeheartedly believed that Charles deserved a better partner, who didn’t treat him like a servant.

“Oh, there you are Charles!” Sir bellowed as Charles walked in and to Sunny’s horror, she could see that Charles was walking awkwardly like Klaus. She didn’t understand why the rest of the mill workers didn’t walk like this if they were hypnotized as well, she assumed it was because Klaus and Charles were newly hypnotized and the lasting effects hadn’t kicked in just yet. She shuddered imagining a world where her brother was a lifeless, silent zombie forever. “I was just explaining to the trouble-making orphans that if they cause one more accident they’ll be living with Dr. Orwell’s receptionist. Do you have anything to add on to the matter, Charles?”

“We’ll finally be happy without those orphans around,” Charles said in an eerily similar tone as Klaus. Sunny frowned at Charles. She imagined that with Charles, it didn’t take as long to hypnotize because Olaf wasn’t trying to torment him and Charles was so used to following orders that hypnotizing him didn’t take much effort on Orwell’s part.

“You may go now!” Sir yelled at the children. Sunny looked at Klaus who slowly got up. He slowly walked out of Sir’s office still holding Sunny. She opened her mouth to say something, but she knew it would be useless. Sunny thought of something else she could point out, but she knew it would be worthless. Not only would she have a hard time communicated her point to Sir, but even if she did she knew he wouldn’t listen and now with Charles hypnotized as well, Sunny knew her chances of anyone listening to her were very slim. The two Baudelaires left the dark office without another word and stood together in the hallway for a few seconds before Klaus began to walk towards the dormitory. 

Sunny didn’t know what Olaf had planned but she knew that no matter what she couldn’t let Klaus out of her sight. She had to keep a super close eye on her brother. If she was always around him, then Olaf couldn’t take him from her and make him cause an accident. At first, Sunny thought she had the upper hand in this situation because she knew more about Olaf’s scheme than he realized but as the Baudelaire orphans slowly made it back to the worker’s dorm she realized that it didn’t matter what she knew because even knowing the secret word that would bring her brother back to normal did her no good if she wasn’t able to say it properly. And the only person that she could say it to her in her own unique way, who would know what she meant immediately was the person who was hypnotized. It was at times like these where Sunny wished that it wasn’t just the two Baudelaires. She wished she either had her parents with her or another older sibling who can say ‘inordinate’ and break Klaus’ hypnotic trance. She knew that if she couldn’t break his hypnosis, he could cause another accident and then the siblings would be in the hands of Count Olaf and who knew what would happen to them if that happened. As they made their way inside the dorm, Sunny realized that she had to find a way to get Phil or one of the other workers to say it for her. But how? 

Sunny’s train of thought stopped when she noticed all the other workers giving the two siblings a dirty look. “What?” she asked rudely glaring at everyone.

“I’m surprised that they can show their faces after what they did to Phil,” one worker said.

“Hey, hey,” Phil said and Sunny turned to see him lying down on his bunk with his leg in a cast. “Klaus didn’t mean to do it, did you, Klaus?”

Klaus didn’t respond. But Sunny looked at Phil and shook her head. “No,” she replied. “Sorry.”

“See, he can’t even say it himself. He has to have his baby sister do it. He’s just as bad as his parents.” another worker said.

“Bitch!” Sunny yelled angrily. 

Phil frowned. “Hey, you guys. Seriously, I have no hard feelings.”

“Sleep,” Sunny suggested pointing at her brother.

Klaus looked at her confused. 

“Behave,” she muttered. “Sleep,” she tried to command.

Klaus again simply stood there with his lifeless eyes.

“Inord…” she cried, hoping that Phil would say the word for her. But Phil just looked at her confused. 

“Maybe you two need some sleep,” 

Sunny nodded as she looked at her brother, who simply sat on the Baudelaire bunk. Klaus stayed sitting up until he followed Sunny into laying down. Phil bid the two children goodnight and Sunny did her best to lay as close to her brother as she could. She knew she needed to keep a close eye on him, but she also needed sleep. She hoped that tomorrow will be a better day for the two children and that she’d be able to stop Klaus from causing any accidents. 

Eventually, both children had fallen asleep. No one in the dormitory woke up when the front door creaked open. The shadowy figure walked stealthily to the Baudelaire bunk and leaned as close as possible to Klaus’ ear. In a harsh whisper the voice asked, _ “Lucky boy, would you like to get to work?” _

With that, Klaus’ grey, lifeless eyes opened immediately, as a dazed smile began to form across his face. As he absentmindedly, but quietly disentangled himself from his baby sister, Klaus muttered, “Yes, sir.”


	50. The One Where Sunny is Challenged to a Sword Fight

** _Chapter Forty-Nine:_ **

_The One Where Sunny is Challenged to a Sword Fight_

Violet woke up from her place on the floor a few hours later. She looked around confused. _ Did I fall asleep? _ She asked herself as she sat up, leaning back towards the front door. She looked around the room and saw documents all over the floor and the table as she began to frown. She remembered what had taken place before she had fallen asleep. She stood up shakily. _ Did that really happen? Did I really say that I hated him? _ She asked herself as she walked around the room, her mind was playing it over and over on an endless loop. Her words like venom, her tone like acid, she intended to hurt her father and she had got what she wanted but as she walked quietly around her cold, empty home she understood the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’. All she could think about was how she made her father cry. She wracked her brain remembering exactly what she said. ‘ _ She wanted me’ _ Violet remembers saying calmly but then she lost all control of her words. ‘ _ It’s you that she didn’t want!’ _Violet wiped a few tears from her eyes as she remembered how hard her words had hit him. 

“What have I done,” she whispered to herself. She started slowly putting these documents away, she kept a few in a neat pile on the table, hoping to write down a few more notes into her commonplace book before her father had the chance to either destroy them or hide them from her again. 

The more Violet thought about everything, the more conflicted she became. On the one hand, she was sorry that she had reacted in such a way that made her father cry. She was sorry that she had screamed to him three times that she hated him when deep down she didn’t hate him, she was simply angry with him. She honestly felt guilty because she wasn’t heartless but a part of Violet also felt like her reaction minus a few bits of irrational rage was justified. So on the other hand, she was angry and a small part of her didn’t regret the interrogation. She was also annoyed that she had asked her father to give up VFD and instead he left her to go do something for VFD. She was sick of the lies and secrets, her father has been lying to her for who knows how long about so much. She just wanted answers. She wanted to know where she came from. She wanted to meet her mother, simple as that. If her father was telling the truth that he truly did not know where her mother was, then she knew _ what _did. 

She thought about her meeting with Jacquelyn. Remembering that the woman said that if she needed _ anything _ to call. She took Jacquelyn’s card from her jacket pocket staring at it. _ Is it worth it? _ She asked herself as she stared at the card. _ Would it be worth joining this stupid cult to find her mother? _

Violet stared at the card and then looked at the phone. _ Would Jacquelyn help her find her mother or make her ‘volunteer’ in exchange for knowledge on her mother? _She sighed. She was honestly debating joining a cult. Jacquelyn had said that she was a year late for apprenticeship...whatever that meant. If she were to join, would Jacquelyn be her mentor since she was the one who successfully recruited her? She could deal with that. Jacquelyn seemed like a nice woman. 

She looked towards her backpack next to the door. _ What if I just simply ran away? _She thought. She didn’t necessarily need a cult to find her mother. She could do it herself, couldn’t she? She sighed as she sat down to jot down the notes. No matter what she decides, she at least wanted to speak to her father. To tell him that she didn’t hate him, although she was heavily disappointed and hurt by him. So she decided that she’d wait until she sees her father again before choosing her destiny. 

But the one question on her mind was: _ Is joining VFD worth meeting my mother? _And as Violet sat in silence jotting down her notes from her father’s documents, she couldn’t decisively say ‘yes’...but she couldn’t entirely say ‘no’ either.

____________________________________________________________

Lemony felt like his sister as he drove like an unhinged madman to Paltryville. Violet’s words were replaying in his head in an endless loop. He wiped his tears from his face every so often. All Lemony could think about was the seriousness in his daughter’s voice as she screamed the words _ I hate you! _ At him, as he left, once again, to save the Baudelaire children. He sighed. _ Was lying from her worth it? _ He asked himself. Almost immediately, he answered himself _ Yes, of course, it was. You were only doing this to protect her. _

But was that the whole truth? Lemony was lying to her about VFD’s existence and what is job truly pertained to protect her. The less she knew about his past and her mother’s past and VFD as a whole...was protecting her. But then there were the lies about _ who _ the Baudelaires were. _ Why _ he had rejoined VFD after so many years and if he _ knew _ her mother’s location. Which all of these lies felt like he was protecting himself in a way. Allowing Violet to know about the death of her mother and the fact that she has two half-siblings could enrage Violet. It could make her hate him... _ more. _Seeing that she already does hate him. She’d blame him for her lack of relationship with her mother and she’d blame him for screwing up in life, so badly, that he couldn’t adopt the two Baudelaires. 

He shook his head as he continued to speed towards Paltryville. He was thinking about Violet’s entire interrogation. Lemony knew she was right in a few of her points, but the one that he couldn’t help but focus on was her point about Beatrice. Beatrice _ did _ want Violet...Beatrice wanted to raise her firstborn but because of Lemony’s situation was unable to. In a way, some people who hate Beatrice could say that she died as a deadbeat mother, although that was not the case at all. He frowned. He knew fully well that Beatrice wanted Violet. He also knew that Beatrice was willing to make arrangements so that he could also see their daughter and be a part of her life. Lemony also knew that Beatrice did not want him. Beatrice had returned the engagement ring and wrote a two hundred page note detailing why she couldn’t and wouldn’t marry him. He also knew that he could never fault Beatrice on that decision. He had fucked up. He had convinced her to steal from their old friend and he convinced her and two others to help him carry out a double homicide and he hated himself for it. He’s hated himself every day since. He couldn’t remember the reasoning VFD gave to him for the double homicide...and he feared that the only reason he couldn’t remember the reasoning is that the reasoning was insignificant. As Lemony sat here and drove, he felt as though VFD had chosen him for a reason. This double homicide was not the first time that Lemony had murdered, although the first time he did was when he was around Klaus’ age. Maybe they chose him because they knew his moral compass was off. He should have just did it himself. But selflessly, he had involved not only Beatrice but Bertrand and his older sister, Kit. He began crying harder. That night had ruined Kit’s life, too. He wouldn’t be surprised if Kit hated him like his daughter. _ I wouldn’t blame her...Hell, I don’t even blame Violet. _

Lemony knew deep down that Violet most likely said these cruel things out of anger, but even if he believed that. He also wholeheartedly believed that she had every right to hate him. Why should he be surprised if Violet, or Kit, or even Beatrice hated him if he hated himself? 

He knew Violet deserved better. He didn’t regret his daughter at all. He loved her more than anything on this planet...but he did regret ever meeting up with Beatrice that Thursday so long ago. If he had just pretended like he never received the letter from the carrier crows than he would’ve never been able to ruin Violet’s life. She would have been raised by her mother and Bertrand. She would’ve grown up being a big sister to a younger brother and then eventually been gifted a baby sister. Lemony had no doubt in his mind that she would’ve been the perfect older sister. Lemony also had no doubt in his mind that if this were to happen, she’d have a far better life with Beatrice than she has had with him. But he was selfless back then, he desperately wanted to meet his baby girl and he desperately wanted to see Beatrice again. Even as he was reading Beatrice’s two-hundred-page letter to him, he had always hoped that they would have gotten back together eventually. 

As he entered the desolate town of Paltryville, he knew he had to push away all of his self-deprecating and self-loathing thoughts to the side. He had to stop sulking in his own self-pity and figure out a disguise. He didn’t know _ what _ Olaf had planned this time, he didn’t even know what disguise Olaf was wearing this time. All he knew was that the Baudelaire orphans were living at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill. Which confused him. _ Why would Poe send two small children to a lumbermill? _He asked himself. Then he remembered just how incompetent Poe was and it all made sense. 

The last time Lemony was in Paltryville, he, the Baudelaire parents and a few other volunteers were here helping the townsfolk with the aftermath of a fire. He remembered how the only two buildings to survive the fires were the lumber mill and a VFD secret headquarters, although he couldn’t imagine that the building was being used since the schism. He remembered that the owners of the lumber mill vaguely, he thought about whether or not he should disturb them and explain why he’d be trespassing onto their property. But he decided against it remembering that the one who was always smoking cigars with a cloud of smoke masking his face was rude and obnoxious and the other one was the definition of a pushover. When he arrived at the gates of Lucky Smells, he could hear a faint noise coming from inside. It sounded like one of the lumbermill machines. _ Why was a lumber mill operating its machinery at nearly one in the morning? _ He asked himself confused. But his heart sank when he thought about one possibility. _ Olaf. _ He listened carefully to the noise, trying to determine what it was. It sounded like a giant chainsaw. He gulped. _ He wouldn’t use a chainsaw to kill those kids...they’re his money bags. _He thought darkly. Then his face fell when he realized that technically Olaf did not need both Baudelaire orphans alive to get their fortune. He hurriedly concocted a disguise in two minutes. He hoped that this disguise would suffice. He didn’t have time to make an elaborate disguise this time. So he settled for the first thing that came to mind. As he exited his taxi, he grabbed a box of verdant flammable devices. 

______________________________________________________________________

Before I inform you of the Baudelaire orphans’ side of things let me first explain to you what the expression ‘seeing in black and white’ means. When someone says that you are ‘seeing in black and white’ it simply means that a person looks at the world in a manner that is oversimplified and often incorrect. 

For example, like many newspapers, the_ Daily Punctilio _ is printed in black and white, and its outlook at the world is oversimplified and entirely incorrect. The death of noted scientist Montgomery Montgomery? Not due to snake allergies. The destruction of Josephine Anwhistle’s home? Not the work of a cabal of realtors. The exact cause of the Baudelaire and Quagmire fires? Although my associate and I haven’t figured out _ who _ had done it...I can tell you that they were _ not _ accidents. And at the time that certain articles were written...Lemony Snicket was _ not _dead.

Now I am sorry to inform you that there was not a terrible accident at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill during the Baudelaires' dismal time there.

There were _ two. _

It is my duty to report these events correctly, the way that they actually happened. But if you prefer to look at the world in black and white then you should avert your eyes and pick up a copy of the _ Daily Punctilio _instead. Because I know the truth behind the accidents at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill and I can assure you that it’s better if you didn’t.

_ I beg of you...STOP _reading this sad tale now. Imagine this story has a happy ending. You can pretend that Lemony Snicket brutally murders Olaf and adopts the two plucky Baudelaire orphans. Or, if you want to be more realistic, you can imagine that Lemony simply rescues the children from another one of Olaf’s villainous schemes and decides to indict them and his daughter into VFD where the three children have marvelous adventures solving the mysteries that surround them. Or…if you want to be even more realistic, you can pretend that the story continues in the same pattern as it has since you read the very first word in this story. Although I must tell you...that that’s not how the story goes.

But...if you choose to read on, let me warn you...the misery does _ not _end here. In fact, I visited Paltryville before I met my associate, many years after the Baudelaires’ story took place here. 

It was long after the Lucky Smells Lumbermill had closed its doors and Dr. Orwell’s office had fallen into disrepair. Of course, the building wasn’t originally an optometrist’s office at all, but the headquarters to a troublesome organization.

That is where I learned what _ actually _happened to Klaus Baudelaire and Lemony Snicket. Poor, poor Klaus Baudelaire...poor, poor Lemony Snicket.

It was enough to make my associate and me want to abandon civilization and live by a pond. But...if you choose to look this misery in the eye...don’t say I didn’t warn you...because it’s all downhill from here.

Sunny Baudelaire woke to a loud, strange _ hmmm _ noise, she turned to where she thought her brother was. Her eyes got wide as she realized he was not beside her. She sat up immediately. Listening to the _ hmmm _ of the lumber mill’s deadliest machine in the late hours of the evening. Her heart sank as she hurried out of the dormitory towards the sound of the mill’s chainsaw. Sunny crawled as fast as she could across the courtyard. She finally reached the doors of the lumbermill and pushed it slightly open just a crack to scope out the scene. She could hear the voice of the person she hated the most inside boasting about his premature triumph over the Baudelaires. 

“You’ve been fortunate so far, you little twerp!” Olaf hissed. “But not anymore!” 

“Yeah, you tell him, boss!” Foreman Flacutono replied taking off his gas mask, revealing himself to be the hook-handed man, who like Olaf had his back to Sunny, who glanced around trying to see what the two villainous men were talking about. 

“One more accident and you’ll be _ mine! _” Olaf bragged still in his Shirley disguise. “And this will be the worst accident the lumber mill has ever seen.” 

Sunny’s eyes widened entirely when she saw that she was correct. The rusty sawing machine was whirring away, making that dreadful humming sound that had woke her up, and there was a log on the machine’s conveyor belt, all ready to be pushed into the saw. The log seemed to be covered in layers and layers of string, the string that had been inside the string machine before Klaus accidentally smashed it. Sunny took another look to make sure that she was seeing what she thought she was seeing. It looked like the string was wrapped around something else, tying a large bundle to the log. With a heap of dread washing over the younger Baudelaire orphan, she realized that the bundle was Charles. He was tied to the long with so much string that it looked a bit like a cocoon. She looked at Charles, who was whistling and smiling as he was eagerly awaiting his demise. Sunny realized that he, like her brother, was still hypnotized. She was utterly alone. 

“Now, you lucky brat, would you like to send _ that _ log into _ that _saw?” Olaf asked cheerfully.

To Sunny’s horror, her brother stood at the controls of the sawing machine. She could see from his vacant expression that he was completely in Olaf’s control. He muttered, “yes, sir,” as he pushed the level forward blissfully unaware that he was sending Charles to his death.

Without thinking, Sunny yelled, “_ Klaus! No!” _

Both Olaf and his henchman jumped in surprise as they both turned around to glare at the younger Baudelaire orphan.

“Well, well, well,” Olaf said peering down at Sunny. “If it isn’t...the biting brat. You’re just in time to see the accident!” 

“Rem!” Sunny yelled glaring at Olaf, which meant, “It’s not an accident, you vile piece of dog shit! You’re doing this on purpose!” 

Olaf looked to Sunny confused and then looked at the Hook-Handed Man shrugging his shoulders. To Sunny’s surprise, the Hook-Handed Man translated for her. Causing both her and Olaf to look at him in disbelief.

“I have a younger sister,” he muttered more to his boss than to Sunny. “She used to talk in a similar way,” 

Olaf rolled his eyes but Sunny was happy that she could insult Olaf and someone would tell him what she was saying. Olaf glared back at the infant orphan, “Now, let’s not split hairs,” he said mockingly as he pointed a bony finger at Klaus. “_ That’s Klaus’ job.” _

“_ Klaus!” _ Sunny shrieked. “ _ Behave!” _to her horror, Klaus didn’t move. He didn’t even acknowledge she had said anything.

Olaf began laughing harshly at her. “Oh, come on. Do you really think I’d make the control word _ that _simple?” 

“Fuck off!” Sunny shouted. She knew there had to be a control word. She knew for a fact that there was a word that was used to control Klaus and a word used to free him. Sunny knew that Olaf must have used the word just now to get her brother to move the lever that controlled the log that Charles was blissfully tied to. She also knew it had to be a word that Sir used when they were arguing with him and a word that the fake foreman used when Klaus caused the first accident. But what was the common word?

“_Klaus!” _she cried again.

“Shout as much as you want!” Olaf bellowed menacingly at Sunny as he took a step closer to her, she bared her teeth at the villain, looking around for some kind of weapon other than her teeth. She stood tall, refusing to show this asshole any fear. “You’re big brother isn’t here right now…and your baby talk will do you _ no _ good!” he informed her in the most belittling tone he could muster. “Poor little orphan. Haven’t you learned _ anything _ this year?...month…? Whatever. _ Wherever you two go, I will be waiting. Wherever you two hide, I will hunt you down. _Why? I’m smarter. I’m pluckier. I’m stronger!” Olaf boasted.

He turned his attention towards Klaus and growled in annoyance when he realized that the log had barely moved. “Put some lower back into it, fucking weakling!” he shouted. Charles continued to whistle happily as Klaus just stared off into space. Sunny realized that Olaf forgot to use the secret word. Olaf turned his attention back to Sunny. “_I’m unstoppable! _” 

Sunny rolled her eyes. “Odi?!” She yelled at Olaf, which meant, “Why do you hate us so much!?” The Hook-handed man translated for Sunny. 

Olaf smiled his trademark cruel smile. “Like I told your brother earlier today_ because it’s fun!”_ he said laughing.

He turned his attention to Charles. “How are you doing back there, Charles?” 

“Oh, just peachy!” Charles replied chuckling.

Olaf began to laugh at his villainy and the Hook-Handed Man joined in. “Wait until Sir finds out that his partner’s been turned into human boards! I bet he won’t even wait until morning to fire…” his eyes got wide as he gasped. Olaf glared at him angrily as the two villains and Sunny watched as Charles’ expression went from one of blissful unawareness to one of utter confusion and fear. 

“Where am I? What’s going on?” Charles asked realizing that he was tied to a log that was headed towards a chainsaw. “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!” 

Sunny realized instantly that Charles was unhypnotized. He became unhypnotized the very moment that the Hook-Handed man uttered the word ‘fire’. With a triumphant smile on her face, she turned to her brother. “Fire!” she shouted as loud as she could. “_ Klaus! Fire! Fire!” _ she shrieked. “ _ Off!” _which meant, “Turn off the machine!” 

To her surprising horror, she watched as her brother continued to ignore her and stare into space. Olaf began laughing again. “Nice try baby-laire,” he said mockingly. “But did you really think we were stupid enough to use the same word on your bratty brother that we used on the rest of the mill workers?” 

Sunny’s eyes went wide with realization. _ The rest of the mill workers. _ Meaning not just Charles. ‘Fire’ was the secret word for the mill workers. Sunny thought she could use this to her advantage. _ But how? _

Olaf knelt down to glare at Sunny, who once again, bared her teeth which stopped Olaf from picking her up. “You will _ never _find the word to save your brother! And you certainly won’t find it in time to save Charles!” he said mockingly.

Sunny glared at Olaf. He was ignorantly undermining her due to her age and size. She was not going to stand for that. Sunny knew that when it came to the fight against Olaf, she brought just as much as to the battle as Klaus did. Hell, she brought more of the bronze than her brother, although he brought more of the brains. They were a nearly perfect team, in Sunny’s opinion. Just missing a secret weapon. The third piece to their puzzle.

Sunny was the one who bit Olaf to defend her brother, Sunny was the one who knew they had to get back into the Reptile Room to figure out how to prove to Poe that Olaf killed Monty. Sunny was the one who knew that allowing Ink to bite her would show that Olaf was a liar. Sunny was the one who used her teeth as a lockpick to open his suitcase, and she later used her teeth to free Ink from captivity.

Sunny was the one who had the idea of eating peppermints to buy them time to decode Josephine’s note. She was the one who had the idea of using the anchor to save her brother from Hurricane Herman. Sunny was the one who had the brilliant idea of starting a fire to signal for help. She was the one who had an easier time working at a lumber mill. She was the one who figured out Olaf’s terrible scheme without the help of her older brother.

Sunny knew that she was a pivotal part of the Baudelaire duo, but if Olaf wanted to dismiss her as a useless baby, that was okay with her. It made ruining his plans all the better for Sunny. Sunny knew that this time, she had to save the day, all on her own because Klaus was unable to help her this time. She remembered every single time Klaus saved her, even that day when she was only six weeks ago and she was choking on her rattle, the day they became thick as thieves. She knew she had to power through despite everything in her way, every obstacle that she faced, every set back that could befall her. She had to do this for Klaus and she was going to do this for Klaus.

“Corrogo!” she shouted at Olaf angrily but confidently, which meant, “Challenge accepted! Bastard!” The Hook-Handed man translated for her as Olaf rolled his eyes in response. 

“Help me! Help me!” Charles screamed as the log was slowly inching towards the saw. He looked at the older Baudelaire orphan in fear and confusion as Klaus just stood there lifelessly. 

Olaf turned his attention towards Charles, giving Sunny an opportunity to sneak away from the villain and head towards the foreman’s booth where the PA system was located. “Sorry, Charlie! No one’s coming to help you now.” 

“_ Help me!” _Charles shouted as loud as he could. 

Olaf turned back to where Sunny had been standing. “Wait...where’d the baby go?” 

Just as he asked his henchman that, he heard Sunny’s voice over the PA system screaming the word, “_ Fire!” _as many times as she could. Hoping to break the mill worker’s hypnotic trance and get them to help her save her brother and Charles. 

Olaf walked to the booth and Sunny bared her teeth at him again. “What have you done!?” He shouted in her face angrily. He turned to his henchman. “Shut the door!” 

The Hook-Handed man hurriedly went to barricade the door before the approaching angry mob of unhypnotized mill workers could get inside. Charles continued to cry for help while this was happening. Olaf watched as his henchman was successful in barricading the door which allowed Sunny to save Charles in a more hands-on way. She had successfully climbed on top of the log that Charles was tied to and she began to hurriedly bite through the string that held him captive. “Thank you! Thank you!” Charles cried when he noticed Sunny trying to help him.

Olaf notices this and growls. But then he smiles thinking that maybe if he times this right, Charles _ and _Sunny will be cut up by the log leaving him the hypnotized Baudelaire to get the fortune. “Lucky! Would you like to cut the log faster?” Olaf asked.

Klaus’ eyes went wide as he muttered. “Yes, sir.”

Sunny’s eyes went wide but with pure happiness as she realized that Olaf foolishly taught her the control word. She stopped biting the string holding Charles and looked at her brother. “_ Lucky! _” she shouted. “Back!” which was Sunny’s way of saying, “Would you like to reverse the direction of the log?” To her surprise, Klaus pulled the lever and the log began to move away from the saw while muttering, “yes, sir’.

Olaf growled at this. “Lucky! Push that fucking lever forward!” Klaus complied immediately after muttering, ‘yes, sir’.

“Lucky!” Sunny shrieked. “Pull!” 

“Yes, sir,” Klaus murmured, complying with his sister’s request.

“Lucky, push!” 

“Yes, sir,” Klaus muttered, obeying Olaf’s demand.

“Lucky, pull!” 

“Yes, sir,” Klaus murmured, following Sunny’s direction.

“_ Lucky! Towards the fucking saw! _” Olaf bellowed angrily.

“Yes, sir,” Klaus replied, listening to Olaf.

“_ Lucky! Away! _” Sunny screamed glaring at Olaf, taking the time in between demands to try to bite through the ropes that tied Charles to the log.

“Yes, sir,” Klaus answered, doing as Sunny dictated.

“** _Lucky!_ **” bellowed a new voice from the second story of the lumber mill. Olaf, the Hook-handed man, Sunny, and even Charles all looked to see Dr. Orwell glaring down at them. “Don’t listen to your sister!” she ordered Klaus.

Sunny went wide when she heard Klaus’ response.

“Yes, sir,” Klaus muttered.

“Lucky, push that log into that fucking saw!” Olaf ordered again looking at Sunny triumphantly.

“Wait, why didn’t you think of that?” the Hook-handed man asked.

“Cause he’s a fucking incompetent moron!” Orwell shouted. “I just stopped by to see if everything was running smoothly, and I’m glad I did. _ Because it wasn’t! _ How do you nearly get outsmarted by a fucking infant?”

Olaf growled. “Hey, wait. How did you even get inside? There’s an angry mob at the door?”

“You’re right. I don’t trust you with all my secrets,” she replied as Olaf made a ‘whatever’ face, as she walked over to Sunny and picked her up stopping her from saving Charles with her teeth.

Sunny looked at Klaus for help. “Klaus! Please! Stop!” she cried.”Gice!” which meant, “Please don’t hurt Charles!”

Dr. Orwell looked down at the whimpering infant in her arms. “Oh, you know they say holding a baby can make all these deep, primal parenting instincts kick in,” she said more so to Olaf and his henchman. “But I don’t see it,” she said as she carried Sunny away from Charles. 

Sunny looked into the eyes of the evil hypnotist, looking for an ounce of humanity. “_ Please, _” she whimpered. “No impetu!” she cried, which meant, “Don’t force my brother to do this terrible thing!” Orwell looked at the infant confused until the Hook-Handed man translated for her.

Orwell looked down at the infant, “It _ is _a terrible thing, I know,” she said in her faux sweet tone. “But it’s a terrible thing that the Baudelaire fortune goes to you two brats, instead of me and Shirley. It’s also a terrible thing that I didn’t get the chance to end either one of your parents.”

And with the mention of wanting to murder her parents, Sunny was done playing nice. Sunny glared at the optometrist, turned her head and bit her hand as hard as she could. Dr. Orwell yelped in pain, dropping Sunny harshly to the ground. Sunny watched as the optometrist lifted her black cane into the air and pressed the red jewel. As she did, Sunny watched as a shiny blade emerged from the opposite end. In a mere second, to Sunny’s surprise, Dr. Orwell’s cane became a sword. “_ En Garde! _” Orwell shouted smiling a wicked smile at the younger Baudelaire orphan. Olaf’s face lit up in excitement, fully ready to see Sunny die while his henchman’s face went pale with worry.

Sunny looked from the unhinged expression on the crazy hypnotist’s face to the sword in her hand. She then gave a low chuckle. _ What has my life come to? _ Sunny asked herself as she stood up and yelled “ _ En Garde!” _ to the hypnotist as she opened her mouth wide prepared for a sword fight.


	51. The One With Olaf's Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are officially at the last chapter of MM. You guys do not know how emotional I am right now. Tomorrow will be the epilogue and then a brief hiatus from Misery Loves Company. I want to thank you guys for the love and support that this fic has gotten. 
> 
> I can't wait for you guys to read part 2!
> 
> Love, Sue.

** _Chapter Fifty:_ **

_ The One With Olaf’s Realization _

Sunny looked Dr. Orwell right in the eye, as she bared her teeth towards the despicable hypnotist. Sunny knew that she was at a great disadvantage seeing that she was abundantly younger and smaller than the optometrists, but to make matters worse she did not have a sword. But as Dr. Orwell swung her cane-sword at Sunny, Sunny swung her teeth at Dr. Orwell, and soon the _ clink! _Noises that the two were making were almost as loud as the sawing machine which continued to saw up the log towards Charles. 

Sunny didn’t know much about sword fighting, she vaguely remembered anything about it other than watching one of Klaus’ favorite Disney movies that involved a forever young, mischievous protagonist and an overly-obsessed with revenge antagonist battling it out with swords. Like most Disney movies, this particular one made sword fighting an adult seem super easy, but as Sunny used her four teeth to defend herself, she learned that this took some skill. Dr. Orwell was pretty skilled with her sword, but luckily for Sunny, she was pretty skilled with her teeth.

“_ Klaus! _ ” Sunny shrieked as she dodged Dr. Orwell’s sword. “ _ Inor!” _She cried realizing that with every second she wasted, the closer Charles was getting to the saw.

“Your baby talk will get you nowhere!” Orwell yelled as she swung her sword at the infant. Sunny swung one of her teeth at the hypnotist which collided with a _ clink! _

Sunny rolled on the ground as Orwell tried to stab her with the sword, missing and sticking it into the ground. Sunny took this opportunity to bite into Orwell’s foot. But by instinct, Dr. Orwell kicked Sunny across the floor with her other foot. Causing the infant to go flying, crashing into the foreman’s booth. Before Sunny could get back to her feet, she looked up and noticed Dr. Orwell standing over her casting a shadow, looking down at her with a wicked grin.

“Finish her!” Olaf called out, cheering Dr. Orwell on, instead of doing any actual work himself. While his henchman looked conflicted like a part of him wanted to help but the other part knew that he should just let whatever was going to happen happen. 

Sunny looked to her brother, “_ Klaus!” _ she cried feeling defeated. “ _ Inor! _” But once again, Klaus didn’t even acknowledge his sister.

Dr. Orwell raised her sword high in the air, and began to laugh a loud, horrible snarl. “I do believe,” she said cackling, “that there will be _two _fetal accidents at Lucky Smells Lumbermill after all!” 

Sunny closed her eyes awaiting whatever was to come next. She thought of her brother spending the rest of his young life stuck in Olaf’s custody, probably stuck in his hypnotized state so he’d give Olaf less trouble. A tear ran down her cheek imagining what Klaus' sad life would look like in Olaf's servitude, doing everything Olaf says as long as he uttered the word 'lucky'.

But before Dr. Orwell could jab the sword into Sunny’s small body, a loud, booming voice shouted, “What in the world is going on here!?” And everyone (except Klaus) turned to see who the voice was coming from. 

“Sir!” Charles cried happily as the log inched closer to the saw.

The man that appeared into the room, from where Dr. Orwell appeared, seemed to _resemble_ Sir. But Sunny wasn’t entirely sure. The man was wearing a black suit, instead of the slimy green suit that Sir usually wore. The smoke around the man’s hidden face seemed to have a green tint rather than the usual grey smoke that most cigars produced. And Sunny wasn’t sure but it seemed to her that Sir was now a lot taller than he was when she and Klaus first met him. But either way, she noticed that Dr. Orwell was distracted so she rolled out of the way of the wicked woman’s sword and crawled back to Charles to untie him from the log.

The man looked around at the room surveilling what in the world was happening. He noticed that there was an angry mob at the door, desperately trying to get in to confront their hypnotist, he noticed that Dr. Orwell had a sword hovering over the younger Baudelaire orphan, he noticed that the younger Baudelaire orphan was now sitting on a log that was headed towards a dangerous saw. He noticed that one of the mill’s owners was begging for Sunny to save him. He noticed Olaf and his henchmen looking at each other nervously. He then stepped in front of the elder Baudelaire orphan and doing his best to look him dead in the eye while keeping the green cloud of smoke around his own face. He gasped when he realized Klaus’ eyes were lifeless and grey.

He had seen this once before, a long time ago, to an old friend of his, who later married the woman of his dreams. 

“Sir!” Charles cried again as the man walked down towards the saw. He looked towards the three villainous adults and asked again, “What in the world is happening?!” he bellowed loudly keeping the cloud of green smoke around his face. All three villains ignored him. 

Sunny looked up from her rescue attempt. “Hypno!” she yelled. The man tried to move Klaus from the lever so he can stop the machine himself.

Olaf took this opportunity to yell a demand to Klaus. “Lucky brat! Push that log into that saw as fast as you can!” 

“Yes, sir,” Klaus muttered.

Sunny shrieked when she noticed that Klaus complied with Olaf’s order, as she and Charles were inching closer to the saw quicker than before.

“Lucky boy, don’t let Sir stop you!” Orwell yelled.

“Yes, sir,” Klaus muttered. Every time the man pulled the lever back, Klaus would push the lever forward. The man was surprised just how strong a hypnotized twelve-year-old boy could be when complying to an order.

Olaf turned to Dr. Orwell. “You think you’re so superior, with you fancy optometry degree and weird hypnosis thing! But you couldn’t even kill the baby! Or make the damn bookworm cause a fatal accident gesturing to how Charles was still alive and Sir was now here.

“_ Neither can you! _” Dr. Orwell screamed in response. As the man tried his best to help the younger Baudelaire free Charles from the ropes, all the while keeping the green smoke around his face.

“Sir!” Charles shrieked happily, as he got a glimpse at the man’s face, “Wait, you’re not Sir,” Charles said, causing Sunny to look at the man incredulously.

“Shhh,” the man said pleadingly, as the saw began to get louder as it inched even closer to Charles’ shoes. “I’m here to save you...but you have to go along with my disguise,” he whispered frantically turning around making sure that Olaf wasn’t listening.

“Who?” Sunny asked in a whisper.

“That’s the wrong question,” the man replied to her in a whisper. “The right question is _ why? _Which I will be happy to explain later, once everyone is safe from harm,”

“Well, I don’t need a partner. I was better off alone! Where my plots were simple and straightforward and didn’t involve any high-concept science fiction gimmicks!” They heard Olaf yell at Orwell. Orwell gasped. 

Charles looked at the man skeptically, “I know who you are, now!” he whispered. “You’re that Snicket lad,” he whispered as the saw made the loudest sounds they’d hear all night which Lemony considered good timing as there was no way Olaf would’ve heard Charles.

_ Hukkita--hukkita--hukkita! _ Charles shrieked and closed his eyes, as the blade graced the sole of his shoes. Hurriedly Lemony grabbed Sunny and set her on the ground. “Inor!” she screamed multiple times to Klaus. 

“Inor?” Lemony asked himself aloud making sure that his face was still concealed by the green smoke. Sunny began to crawl quickly away, back to the foreman’s booth. She passed by Orwell and Olaf who were still arguing.

“Are you breaking up with me!?” Orwell asked.

“No. I’m breaking up with you, _ again! _” Olaf yelled in her face.

Just then Sunny started yelling, “Inor!” into the PA system. Neither villain paid any attention because they knew Sunny’s baby talk would do her no good. But Lemony was focused on what the younger Baudelaire orphan was saying. Lemony knew that Klaus was hypnotized just like Bertrand Baudelaire had been so many years ago. Lemony felt a sick sense of deja vu since this was the exact town where Bertrand was hypnotized. Lemony looked at the older Baudelaire trying to figure out what Sunny could mean by “inor,” 

Lemony, being a proud bibliophile and logophile knew an abundance of words. He began to mutter to himself all of the words that he could think of that started with the letters ‘inor’. _ Inorganic. Inorbed. inordinate. Inorder. Inorb. Inornate. Inorganization. _Lemony began to panic, it could be any of these words. Which one could it be? Which one could free Beatrice’s son from Olaf and Orwell’s control before he killed a man?

“Well, you’re being insensitive!” Orwell yelled.

“You’re being inord--,” Olaf began.

“Oh, don’t say the word!” Orwell warned harshly pointing her sword at Olaf.

_ Inordinate. _ Lemony thought happily before he turned to Klaus. “Inordinate!” he bellowed. “ _ Inordinate! Inordinate! Klaus! Inordinate!” _He shouted over and over until he noticed Klaus’ grey, lifeless eyes close and when he opened them, Lemony could see that they were the same shade of brown as Beatrice’s. He sighed in relief as Klaus looked at the chainsaw and turned the lever to stop the machine altogether right as the saw cut the bottom of Charles’ right foot. Charles sighed in relief.

“Now, he’s unhypnotized!” Orwell yelled angrily as Sunny opened the foreman’s booth smiling towards her brother and the man who had saved him. Dr. Orwell noticed Sunny and glared. “How the fuck does a baby know a word like ‘inordinate’!?” 

Olaf rolled his eyes. “These brats know all kinds of words. He’s a book addict teaching his bratty sister to be a book addict just like their idiotic book addict parents!” Olaf hissed. Klaus hurriedly began to until Charles from the log. 

“I am so sorry,” Klaus muttered. “I don’t know what’s happening but I’m sorry,” 

“You’re quite alright, dear boy. Thank you,” Charles replied as he sat up.

Olaf looked down at Sunny as Dr. Orwell picked her up. With an evil grin on his face, he said, “But there is still time to cause an accident and get their fortune!” Orwell smiled and casually walked towards the furnace.

Lemony’s eyes went wide behind his green cloud of smoke, while Klaus, who was still heavily dazed and confused quickly realized what Olaf and Orwell meant.

“Oh, no, you can’t!” Klaus yelled angrily, shakily walking closer to the two villains. “_ Now put my baby sister down! _” he demanded.

“Oh, you may have saved Charles, but there will still be a fatal accident at the lumbermill tonight,” Orwell said as she opened the door to the furnace lifting Sunny higher. Sunny tried to turn her head in order to bite Dr. Orwell but the evil hypnotist held her where she couldn’t reach. Sunny looked pleadingly at her brother and the man that Charles referred to as the ‘Snicket lad’. 

“_ If you want our goddamn fortune, you can have it! Just leave Sunny alone! She’s worth more to me than some stupid money!” _Klaus pleaded desperately gazing at the fire coming from the furnace. Olaf smiled as Orwell scoffed at Klaus’ plea deal.

“Oh,” Orwell teased as Klaus began to glare at her. “You think you’re so clever, but you only see black and white. Just like your parents. They were shortsighted, too. With their, ‘you can’t hypnotize people!” and, “What about free will?” and, “We’re going to kick you out of the organization and have your optometry license revoked, and if we ever have children, we’re never gonna let you anywhere near them!”” Orwell cried, her voice cracking as she was slowly losing her mind. She began cackling, “Well, I showed them! Didn’t I?! Not only did I meet their bratty children but _ I hypnotized their precious son twice! And now, I’m going to barbecue their infant daughter!” _Orwell began cackling louder than she ever had before.

The angry mob was finally breaking down the front door. “I don’t think I can hold them off much longer, boss!” the Hook-Handed Man exclaimed.

“I’ll show everyone!” Orwell exclaimed laughing, turning from Olaf to Klaus to Sunny. “It was _ never _about the fortune...It’s about…”

Before she could finish her sentence, Orwell became frightened when the angry mob pushed past the doors to the lumber mill, causing Orwell to take a step back. Klaus’ eyes widened further when he realized that Orwell was moving closer to the furnace while still holding his baby sister. The mob noticed Orwell and began to walk towards her causing her to take another step back and another and another before tripping over her own heel but not before tossing Sunny Baudelaire into the air. Klaus held his arms out to catch her, but he was still too dazed and confused to pinpoint where she was going to land, but Lemony, even with a cloud of green smoke in his face, knew where she was going to land and he fell to his knees catching her. As Orwell fell into the furnace, the fire became larger and brighter nearly touching Olaf in the process. Olaf jumped back away from the furnace. As all the mill workers, Olaf, and the Hook-Handed man looked at the furnace in utter disbelief.

Sometimes, as I’m sure you have before when we are startled by a loud noise or an angry mob looking to confront their hypnotist, we take a step back. I am sorry to say that Dr. Orwell was right. There was a fatal accident at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill that night. 

Sunny smiled up at the man who caught her. “Decerpo,” she giggled, which meant, “Nice catch,”. She coughed lightly as she inhaled the last of the green smoke. Lemony quickly handed her to Klaus, who held his sister close. 

Klaus turned to the man, “Thank you, Sir.” He muttered confused as to why Sir now cared about the Baudelaire children. Not realizing that this man could not be Sir because he was way too tall. 

Before Lemony could reply to Klaus, he heard a familiar voice hiss at him causing his heart to plummet to the floor.

“_** Snicket**!” _Olaf hissed taking a step towards the man.

Lemony’s eyes got wide when he realized that his verdant flammable device had burnt out. He took a step back, utterly speechless. Half of him screamed _ kill him! _ but the other half screamed _ run! _

“You...you’ve been alive _ all this time, haven’t you?” _Olaf asked taking another step towards Lemony. Klaus stepped in between the two men. 

“Back off, Olaf!” he yelled as Sunny began to growl in his arms. They didn’t know who this man was, but he had unhypnotized him and he caught Sunny. So Klaus believed it was safe to assume that he was on their side. Klaus also could’ve sworn he’s seen this man before somewhere, but he couldn’t place his finger on it.

Olaf growled as he grabbed Klaus by his arms and threw him with all his might to the ground. Klaus thankfully landed harshly on his back, shielding Sunny from any harm. “_ Stay out of it, orphans! _ ” Olaf shouted towards the Baudelaires. “ _ This has nothing to do with you brats! This is about something that happened long before your pathetic asses were even born!” _

Lemony glanced at the two children hoping they were okay. “You’re right, Olaf!” Lemony barked. “_ This… _ ” he said gesturing between himself and Olaf, “has absolutely _ nothing _to do with them! So leave them alone!” 

Olaf began laughing cruelly at Lemony, who could feel his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. “That is where you are wrong!” Olaf yelled. “Ever heard of the phrase, ‘_ The son will pay for the sins of the father,’ _ or ‘ _ the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons,’? _ ” he asked in a cruel, harsh whisper doing his best to make sure only Lemony could hear him. “Likewise, _ these brats will pay for the sins of their parents. _” he hissed.

“These children didn’t do anything to you!” Lemony hissed back.

Olaf laughed. “Did you hear what happened to Beatrice and Bertrand?” He asked chillingly. “I wish I could’ve seen the looks on their faces...as they burned alive.” He cried as he began to laugh like an unhinged madman.

“Olaf…” Lemony stated calmly.

“_ That fortune is mine! _” Olaf shouted stomping his feet. “I will get that fortune from these pesky, plucky brats if it’s the last thing I do,” 

“I won’t let you…” 

Olaf’s eyes became shinier than Lemony had ever seen. “You...you’ve been helping them...haven’t you?” Olaf began laughing. “I knew it! _ I knew these idiotic brats couldn’t beat me on their own! _This all makes sense now!” 

Lemony looked towards Klaus and Sunny, who looked at him confused. Before Lemony could say anything, Olaf glared at him. “Wait a minute...what’s your attachment to these kids!?” Olaf shouted swiftly walking over to the Baudelaires and grabbing Klaus by his shirt. He ripped Sunny from Klaus' arms harshly causing Sunny to whimper and Klaus to yell, "_No!". _

“_ Are they yours?!”_ Olaf asked Lemony, looking between a helpless, terrifiedKlaus, who began to struggle in Olaf's grasp and a helpless, scared Sunny, who tried to bite Olaf’s hands but he was holding her the same way Dr. Orwell had.

“_ No! _ ” Lemony shouted. “ _ I don’t have any children! _” he lied.

_“I don’t believe you_!” He said glaring at Klaus. “I’ll gut one of them in front of you, Snicket! You will watch as your book-loving son...or your piranha daughter die in pure agony!" He looked from Klaus and Sunny. "Now...which one should it be?" Olaf asked Lemony as the Baudelaires continued to struggle.

"That's not our father!" Klaus cried worryingly looking up at Lemony with pleading eyes. 

"Let go!" Sunny shouted.

“Oh, come on! Look at them! _Look at them_, Olaf. You can see Bertrand in there...not me,” Lemony cried. “Leave them alone. Killing them isn’t going to hurt me, because they’re not mine. They’re Beatrice’s...that's why I care.” 

Olaf looked to Lemony, then stared at Sunny for what seem to feel like forever and then stared at Klaus for an even longer period of time. He growled as loud as he could in anger and annoyance.

He threw them down to the ground again. First throwing Klaus who landed with a loud thump on his stomach. Then Sunny who landed on her brother's back with her own loud thump, causing Klaus to yell in pain. "I guess you’re right…” he muttered as he grabbed Dr. Orwell’s cane-sword. “No matter, I am going to kill you like I should’ve on that fateful night at the opera, Snicket!” 

But before Olaf could swing the sword either cutting or stabbing Lemony, the real Sir walked in. “I don’t recall assigning a night shift! But I fully approve! Keep this up and _ maybe _I’ll let you guys have two casseroles a day!” Sir yelled. Before Sir had entered the lumber mill, the angry mob busied themselves tearing down the place, destroying machines, vandalizing property and making a mess out of everything in sight, leaving the children, Lemony, and Olaf to their arguing, but as soon as they heard Sir’s voice, all of the angry mill workers turned to where he was. 

“What do we want!” they chanted. “_ Freedom! _” They shouted as they angrily marched around Sir. Lemony took this opportunity to get the fuck out of the lumber mill. He wanted to take the Baudelaires, but he feared that they would be like his daughter and ask way too many questions. Lemony gave them both a small smile and a wave as he ran out of there.

Klaus stood up, “Wait!” he said as Sunny frowned. “...we just wanted to say thank you!” Klaus yelled as he watched Lemony run away. Lemony ran for two reasons, he hoped that Olaf would follow him and he would focus on him rather than the Baudelaires. He also needed to rush home and relocate himself and his daughter before Olaf found out the truth about Violet.

Olaf growled angrily and looked at his henchman, moving his head to one side signaling it was time to go. He gave both children a devious smile, “_Don't think our little game is over, orphans! __I’ll be back for you, orphans! I’ll be back for your lives! _” he threatened as both villainous men began running after Lemony. Klaus and sunny shuddered at another one of Olaf’s promises. They both knew that he meant every word as he had each time before.

“What about the Baudelaires?” the Hook-Handed Man asked as they exited the mill and tried to figure out which way Lemony ran. 

“We’ll meet back with them _ very soon, _ ” Olaf hissed. “ _ We have much bigger fish to fry! _” he shouted as the Hook-handed man nodded. 

“S-sorry about the doc, boss.”

“Are you kidding? I’m a free man. I am _ never _taking a partner again. From now on, Count Olaf works alone!” Olaf replied running towards the large wooden entrance of Lucky Smells Lumbermill. “How can anyone run in these things!?” he yelled kicking off his heels.

Klaus and Sunny watched in utter disbelief as the man who saved them numerous times and the man who had tried to kill them numerous times disappeared into the night. They turned back to see the commotion that the angry mob was causing and decided to do nothing about it. They didn’t care about Sir because he didn’t care about them. Charles was safe and that’s all that mattered. They noticed that Phil was not in the angry mob, which meant, that he, too, was safe. The only two nice men that had made their stay at Lucky Smells a bit more bearable were safe. 

Sir, who had somehow gotten out of the midst of the mob ran passed the children who were slowly walking back to the dormitory. He stopped cautiously in front of the Baudelaires. The two children were surprised to finally see his face, without the cloud of smoke masking his face, he looked like a normal man. He had grey hair with white facial hair and a mean look on his face. “Pack your bags, brats! If it weren’t for you and your friend in the dress…”

“That man is no friend of ours,” Klaus said simply.

“Doesn’t matter! Pack your bags! I am calling Mr. Poe immediately. If it weren’t for you, my lumber mill wouldn’t be in such disrepair,”

“Karma,” Sunny replied.

Sir growled at Sunny and lifted his arm to hit her. Klaus gave the shorter man a death glare._ “If you lay a hand on her, it will be the last thing you do_,” he said in a cruel tone.

Sir glared at the twelve-year-old boy as he growled again. “You children are no longer welcome at Lucky Smells. Wherever you brats go, misfortune follows. I hope you have a shit time at boarding school!” Sir yelled in Klaus’ face as he began to storm off before the mob figured out he had escaped.

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and sighed. Both children held each other as Klaus walked them back to the Baudelaire bunk within the dormitory. The Baudelaires were saddened, but they weren’t saddened by the fact that they were no longer welcomed at Lucky Smells. They didn’t want to stay at this Miserable Mill any longer. They were saddened because Olaf’s plan had almost succeeded. They were saddened that they only got to briefly meet a man who had helped them without them even knowing it, they both had a feeling this man could answer all of their questions. But they didn’t know if they’d ever see him again. What if Olaf caught up to him and killed him? What if he escaped Olaf and decided that the Baudelaires were no longer worth his time? They were saddened that they weren’t able to figure out the secret about Paltryville in connection with their parents.

Klaus sat Sunny on the bunk as he packed what little belongings they had. Both children trembled slightly. Sunny trembled as she remembered how Klaus had looked while hypnotized and how she thought she lost her brother. She trembled as she remembered how she was almost killed twice tonight by Dr. Orwell. Klaus trembled as he thought about how he almost sliced Charles with a chainsaw, he trembled as he remembered how he had nearly lost Sunny when Orwell fell into the furnace and he even trembled as he remembered what it looked like to see someone being swallowed up by flames. All he could think about was his poor parents, how they must have looked when they were burned alive inside the Baudelaire mansion. 

“It’s unbelievable,” Klaus began as Sunny peered up at her brother. “How Dr. Orwell hypnotized me in order to get me to kill Charles and allow Olaf to get ahold of our fortune…” he looked down at his sister. “I’m not sure what you did...or how you did it...but thank you, Sunny. Good job. You’re the best baby sister a boy could ask for.” He said smiling down at her. “But I would love to know how you foiled Olaf’s scheme. You really held your own...better than I could.” 

Sunny smiled up at her brother. She felt appreciated. She felt accomplished. Sure, she didn’t defeat Olaf on her own, she had Lemony’s help but...she did do a lot on her own and it felt good to have Klaus acknowledge this. She reached into her pocket and handed her brother the library card and the page with their father’s handwriting.

“Dada,” she stated pointing at his name and the quote. 

Klaus took the pieces of paper and folded them into his pocket with the rest of his notes and pictures pertaining to the mysteries that surrounded them. “Good work, Sunny. We’ll discuss this later while we’re in Poe’s car or on the train. Maybe that’ll be when you’ll have the time to tell me how you saved the day.”

Sunny nodded and allowed Klaus to lay down on the bunk. The older Baudelaire yawned. “Sleep,” she instructed. He smiled at his baby sister as he closed his eyes. 

“You know...I find it funny that Olaf used the word ‘lucky’ to control me,” Klaus said randomly as he yawned again. Sunny looked at him confused. “It’s the best word to describe me right now. I’m the luckiest big brother on this planet.” 

Sunny smiled. “Rest,” she said. "Guard," she assured, which was her way of saying, "dont worry...I will keep watch,".

In a blink of an eye, Klaus had fallen asleep. Sunny watched as his lip quivered as he fell into, what she hoped, was a peaceful dream. Sunny knew that the Baudelaires were anything but lucky...but she thought of Phil, and how he found a silver lining in every dark cloud and she thought of herself as lucky as well. She was lucky to have her brother back with her. She and her brother didn’t have much. But they did have each other and if that didn’t make the two Baudelaires rich in luck, she didn’t know what would. Sunny decided to stay awake and guard her brother in the slight chance that Olaf returned to retrieve the children.

Hours passed by, as Phil escorted the two children to where Charles and Mr. Poe and Mrs. Poe stood.

Mrs. Poe took a picture of the children which annoyed them. “This is going to make a good front-page picture!” she squealed.

Mr. Poe looked disappointedly at the children. “Causing trouble again?” he asked. “Hypnosis? Child labor? Count Olaf in a dress? You children certainly have lively imaginations…but there’s no time for your ridiculous excuses.” 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another deciding to not even bother with the Poes. Charles looked as though he was going to say something to defend the children but decided against it.

“Darling, come help me interview some of the workers before we leave!” Mrs. Poe asked as Mr. Poe followed behind her.

Klaus looked to Sunny. “Well, this is it. We’re leaving...and we never found out what caused that fire,”

“No dem!” Sunny reassured, which meant, “We know it wasn’t our parents!” 

“We know Count Olaf will turn up again,” Klaus replied sadly.

“No hypno,” she replied, which meant, “But we know Dr. Orwell won’t.”

“We never solved the mystery of the photograph,” 

“Oh! Baudelaires!” Charles cried causing the Klaus to jump. “I want to thank you both for saving my life. Because of your quick thinking, I only have a small cut on my foot. You certainly are clever children. I’m sorry that I won’t be seeing you anymore.”

“I’m sorry too, Charles,” Klaus said, “I’m truly sorry that I caused you so much trouble,” 

“Oh, don’t worry about it, kiddo,” Charles said kindly, hugging Klaus and Sunny. “I know it wasn't your fault.” 

Klaus noticed that he was also holding a suitcase. “Are you leaving Paltryville?”

“I’m gonna search for Sir. He may not have been a good partner, or a good boss, or a good person, but someday you’ll learn things aren’t always black and white.” 

“Better,” Sunny replied, which meant, “Charles...you deserve better,” Klaus translated for her and Charles simply smiled and nodded his head.

“I know...maybe one day, I’ll find it...but for now, I’m going to find Sir,” Charles said as he reached into his pocket. “Oh, that reminds me. I thought you should see this.” He said handing Klaus a partially burnt piece of paper. “Well, tallyho, Baudelaires! I hope you have better luck in boarding school.”

Sunny smiled at the page, realizing it was the one Sir tried to destroy. “Read!” she instructed her brother, who even though he was no longer hypnotized, complied immediately.

“Chapter 12. The Paltryville Fire. The Baudelaires were unequivocally responsible...for putting out the fire and helping the survivors get back on their feet,” Klaus read aloud happily. Both Baudelaires chuckled softly, as Klaus folded that paper in his pocket. 

As Mr. Poe ushered the Baudelaires to walk with him to his car, the children saw Phil waving at them. “Hey, remember if you look on the bright side, you're really quite lucky,” he called out to them. 

Klaus and Sunny looked at one another and gave their optimistic friend a curious look accompanied by a small smile. Once they had been happy children, so content and pleased with their lives that they hadn’t even known how happy they were. Then came the terrible fire, and it seemed since then that their lives had scarcely had one bright moment, let alone an entire bright side. From home to home they traveled, encountering endless misery and wretchedness, and now the man who caused all of their misfortune had escaped again. Both Baudelaires couldn’t help but feel unlucky when they thought about their current lives.

“What do you mean?” Klaus asked quietly.

“Well, let me think…” Phil replied, “You’re alive...That’s lucky. And I’m sure we can think of something else.”

“Yep,” Sunny muttered looking at her brother thinking that she was the luckiest younger sister on the face of the planet.

“Maybe you’re right,” Klaus muttered looking at his sister thinking that he was the luckiest older brother in the world. 

After the children bid Phil goodbye and apologized again for breaking his leg, both Baudelaires followed Mr. Poe into his car thinking about their time at Paltryville and how lucky they truly were. Although the Baudelaires would not miss the dormitory, the terrible casseroles, or the back-breaking labor of the mill, the Baudelaires were truly going to miss the only two people in Paltryville who were kind to them. And as Klaus and Sunny thought about how they would miss Charles and Phil, they thought of how much they would have missed each other, if something even worse had happened to them. What if Sunny had lost the swordfight? What if Klaus had remained hypnotized forever? What if Sunny had stepped into the path of the saw or if Klaus had fallen into the furnace instead of Dr. Orwell? Being alive had never seemed lucky before but as the children sat in silence thinking about all of the ways they were truly lucky, they were amazed.

As said before, the Baudelaires realized that they were, indeed, lucky. They had each other and that was all they needed in this cruel, cruel world. Klaus was lucky to have a baby sister who was capable of taking care of him just as much as he took care of her. Sunny was lucky to have someone in her life that was willing to go through hell and back for her, no matter what the cost. So as the Baudelaires sat close together in the back of Poe’s car on their way to their new destination. They finally were able to take Phil’s advice and they were looking on the bright side.


	52. Epilogue: The One Where Violet's Series of Unfortunate Events Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all again for the amazing support I have gotten for part one of this fic.  
I hope you enjoy the epilogue. I worked super hard on it.
> 
> -Love, Sue.

** _Epilogue:_ **

_The One Where Violet's Series of Unfortunate Events Begins_

The Baudelaires sat quietly in the back of Poe’s car as they looked over the pieces of paper that Sunny had found during their unpleasant stay at Lucky Smells Lumbermill. “Now, children, it’s the end of the semester, so you’re gonna have to work very hard to catch up. It won’t be easy, but I promise you it will build character,” Mr. Poe said breaking the much-needed silence. Klaus rolled his eyes in response. He honestly didn’t care, if this school could keep out Olaf then that’s all that mattered. 

The Baudelaires both hoped that their new lives at a boarding school will turn out to be the one place where Olaf could not get to them. He had somehow adopted them when their parents first died, he followed them to Uncle Monty’s where he cruelly murdered their uncle using his passion against him. He then stalked them to their Aunt Josephine’s where he used one of her many fears to murder her. And just recently, he had found them in Paltryville and had his girlfriend hypnotize Klaus in hopes of gaining their parents' enormous fortune. The Baudelaire orphans just wanted him to go away, to die in a ditch. But they both knew the likelihood of this happening was low. 

When Mr. Poe finally parked his car, ushering the Baudelaires to follow him into the school. Klaus quickly put the documents into his pocket as he picked up his sister. Trudging slowly behind Poe.

“Here’s a fun bit of trivia,” Mr. Poe said after coughing, “The architect who built this school was severely depressed.”

“Mood,” Sunny replied as Klaus nodded.

“I always wanted to go to boarding school!” Mr. Poe exclaimed. “Rules. Traditions. Why, I’d give every last suit just to wear a uniform,”

Klaus and Sunny looked around the administration office of Prufrock Preparatory School. Both children were amazed, Sunny, who was too young to have ever set foot in a school, looked around her eyes widening in pure bliss at this new experience she was soon to experience. While Klaus, who has been in a school when he was a kindergartner before his parents ultimately decided to homeschool him, felt a bit nervous.  _ What if he couldn’t make any friends? What if other students picked on him?  _ He wasn’t very good with people his age, his best friend was his little sister who was vastly younger than him.

“The office is over there,” Mr. Poe explained as he handed Klaus two uniforms. “You will change and then you can wait on that bench,” he said pointing to a two-sided bench. 

“Wait, you’re not going to wait with us?” Klaus asked worriedly as Sunny started waving at Poe dismissing him entirely.

“No. this has already taken up much too long already. I need to get back to the city for banking hours,” Mr. Poe replied as Klaus frowned. “Ummm, I do want you, two children, to know…” he started coughing. “ I hope you find comfort here.” 

And with that Mr. Poe walked away after bidding the children a final goodbye. “So long, Baudelaires!” 

Klaus looked down at Sunny looking like he wanted to cry. “He’s gonna find us again,” he muttered.

Sunny gave her brother a small smile, she wanted to tell him that Olaf wouldn’t find him but she knew lying to him was pointless. “Snicket?” she asked, which meant, “Do you think that Snicket lad will find us again?” 

Klaus looked down at his sister and wiped a few tears from his eyes. He shook his head. “Sunny…, we’re on our own,” he replied as he picked her up and walked toward the bathrooms. Klaus looked at both doors to the bathroom, unsure of what to do. He knew he couldn’t go into the girl’s bathroom but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to take Sunny into the boy’s bathroom. He kept looking between the bathroom doors. He didn’t want to send Sunny into the girl’s bathroom alone because she was so young. Before he had the chance to quickly take Sunny into the boy’s bathroom, he was startled by a voice behind him.

“Oh my God!” the voice shrieked. “Is that a real baby?” 

Klaus turned around to see a girl with a small, but pleasant smile. She had light brown eyes and dark brown hair. She was dressed in the maroon colored uniform similar to the one that Klaus held that was intended for Sunny.

“Yeah…” he replied instinctively holding Sunny tighter to him. Sunny gave the young girl a toothy grin.

“She is  _ so  _ adorable!” the girl said squealing. 

“Tank you!” Sunny said smiling. Klaus nodded his head awkwardly.

The girl held out her hand to shake Klaus’. “My name’s Isadora Quagmire,” Isadora Quagmire said.

Klaus shoved the uniforms under his arm to shake Isadora’s hand. “M-my name is Klaus Baudelaire...and this is my baby sister, Sunny,” he replied as Sunny shook Isadora’s other hand. “Ummm, not to sound weird...but I was homeschooled and I’m not really...good at, like, human interactions...but is it okay to take a baby girl into the boy’s bathroom?” Klaus asked nervously, blushing at his ignorance.

Isadora gave a small chuckle, “I was homeschooled as well, but I believe if you are the only person accompanying the infant it should be fine,” 

Klaus nodded his head slowly but still didn’t walk into the restroom. He sighed.  _ Why was people-ing so God damn hard? _

Isadora just laughs again. “Here, let me tell you what. If you are fine with it, I can take her into the girl’s restroom and help her change into her uniform while you change into yours,”

“Y-you would do that?” Klaus asked skeptically. He gave a small glare towards Isadora trying to see what her angle was. “Why would you do that?”

“Well, honestly I am waiting for my brother, who is taking his sweet time.” 

Klaus nodded his head slowly. Isadora seemed nice, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he could trust her. He wasn’t used to many people being nice to him or Sunny. He looked down at Sunny, who looked up at him and shrugged her shoulders. “Okay...if Sunny’s okay with it...I don’t see a problem with it. Are you okay with this plan, Sunny?” 

Klaus and Isadora both looked down at the young infant, who gave her brother a smile as she nodded her head. “Yep!” she shrieked as she reached out for Isadora to take her.

Isadora gently took her from Klaus as he handed her Sunny’s uniform. “Thank you, Isadora,” he said.

“No problem,” Isadora replied as she began to take Sunny into the girl’s bathroom. “Oh, could you do me a favor?” she asked turning towards Klaus.

“Yeah. I mean you’re helping me out so I can help you out,” 

“Can you tell my brother to hurry the fuck up,” 

Klaus looked confused. “I can...but I don’t know what he looks like...how will I know I’m talking to the right person?” He asked.

Isadora gave a soft chuckle, “Oh trust me. It’ll be obvious,” she replied as she walked into the girl’s bathroom with Sunny in her arms.

“But...what?” Klaus said more or less to himself as he strolled into the boy’s bathroom. When he walked into the bathroom, Klaus could have sworn he could hear someone crying. As he hurriedly changed into his new school uniform, he tried to think of why someone would choose the bathroom of all places to cry in. The person’s crying got a bit louder and bit more frustrated as Klaus could hear someone muttering under their breath about a lie? No, a fly? No, a tie?

Klaus gave a small chuckle as he, himself, was beginning to have trouble tying his own tie. He wished his father and mother were here with him, they’d surely help him. Klaus after a few minutes decided to give up.  _ Maybe I can ask Isadora for one last favor.  _ He told himself as he made his way to the bathroom sinks. He was almost about to walk out when the person’s frustrated cries seemed to get worse. He sighed and walked over to the stall that he heard the sobs from. 

Nervously, he knocked on the bathroom stall. The crying ceased for a second. Klaus thought he could make the person feel better by slightly referencing one of his favorite Disney movies.

“Boy...why are you crying?” he asked in a slightly serious tone. “Are you crying about mothers?” 

The crying continued to cease as the voice replied in a tone that Klaus couldn’t completely pinpoint, “Wait, are you referencing Peter Pan?” Klaus blushed in embarrassment. With the tone that the person gave him, he couldn’t tell if the person was amused by his silly reference or mocking him for it.

“Y-yeah,” Klaus replied shaking with embarrassment. “S-sorry...I was just trying to be silly,” he explained as the person walked out of the stall. 

To Klaus’ surprise, Isadora was right. When he laid eyes on her brother, it would be obvious. For as he stared at the young boy in front of him. He noticed that he looked identical to Isadora as if they were twins, with the same shade of brown eyes, pleasant smile, and dark brown hair. But to Klaus, there was a difference between this boy and his sister. When Klaus looked into his eyes, he was mesmerized by the milk chocolate brown shade that they were, a feature he didn’t truly notice when he looked at Isadora. Klaus began to smile and blush as he waited to see how the boy took his silly reference. 

The young boy smiled at him, “Nice, I love Peter Pan...it’s one of my favorites,” the boy replied.

Klaus tried so hard not to blush at this response, he quickly put a hand over his face as nonchalantly as he could to hide the fact that he was blushing. “It’s a favorite of mine, too,” he muttered. The boy smiled in response. Klaus was giddy, this cute boy and himself already had something in common.

“Oh, also, I wasn’t crying,” the boy said defensively. “I never cry,” 

Klaus chuckled at this. After the boy washed his hands, he turned to Klaus and held out his hand. “The name’s Duncan,” he informed. “Duncan Quagmire,”

“K-Klaus B-Bau-Baudelaire,” Klaus replied shaking his hand. Duncan smiled at him again. Klaus stared at Duncan for a few seconds, unsure of what to say. He noticed that he was wearing a uniform similar to Klaus’ but he noticed that the tie was entirely crooked. “Not...not to insult you or anything but your tie is crooked,” 

Duncan looked at Klaus, “Well...least I am wearing mine,” he mentioned as he pointed to Klaus, who was wearing it around his neck sort of like a scarf.

“Tying these things...isn’t easy,” Klaus murmured.

“Don’t I know it!” Duncan said laughing. “My sister always has to tie it for me and I’ve gotten sick of her mocking me so I did it myself. I mean, if you ask me, it’s not that bad.”

“I think you look nice,” Klaus muttered without thinking, Duncan gave a small smile at that as his face turned a soft shade of pink. “I...I mean.. I think it looks nice...Not you..._It. _It...meaning the tie...not... I mean, not that you don’t look nice... I mean...I don’t...I don’t know what...I’m going to shut up now,” he rambled as his face heated up as he blushed.

Duncan gave a nervous laugh to Klaus. “You know, they should let us choose between bow ties and neckties. I can tie a bow tie,” 

Klaus nodded. “Same here,” 

“I can help you if you want,” Duncan offered. Klaus’ face became a deeper shade of pink.

“I mean...you don’t have to. I can always figure it out myself if it’s too much trouble,” 

“No problem at all, I’d be happy to help you, Klaus Baudelaire,”

Duncan stepped in front of Klaus taking the necktie and doing his best to tie it for Klaus. Every so often, Duncan would look up at the taller boy and catch Klaus staring down at him. Duncan would immediately avert his gaze from Klaus’ dark chocolate eyes because he was afraid that he was blushing too much. 

“Voila!” Duncan said finally once he had finished, Klaus looked into the mirror and laughed. 

“It’s crooked,” he pointed out.

“I know,” 

Klaus began trying to straighten it. But Duncan put his hands on Klaus’ to stop him. Klaus looked up at him and both boys quickly moved their hands and began looking around awkwardly trying to allow their blushed cheeks time to settle down and return to their normal skin pigment.

“No, leave it. Now we match,” Duncan mentioned still not looking at Klaus.

Both boys blushed again. “Oh,” Klaus said not looking at Duncan. “Your sister wanted me to tell you to hurry up...but uh...no rush,” 

Duncan smiled at this. “Maybe we should hurry...you don’t know Isa, when she’s pissed off she’s pretty scary,” he explained as he began to walk alongside Klaus. Duncan wanted so much to slip his hand into Klaus’ but he was nervous, he was unsure if Klaus would return the feelings. Unfortunately, Klaus desired to hold Duncan’s hand but refused for the same exact reason. Unsure of whether or not Duncan reciprocated his feelings. Klaus had also never felt anything like this so he didn’t even know how he felt. 

Once they exited the bathroom, both boys could see their sisters waiting for them. Isadora opened her mouth to complain to Duncan why he took so long but then she noticed that his cheeks were a soft shade of pink. A devilish grin appeared on her face as she stared from Duncan to Klaus. 

“Thank you again, Isadora,” Klaus said as he took Sunny from her arms. 

“Oh, no...thank  _ you,  _ Klaus,” Isadora replied staring at Duncan, who looked at her confused.

Duncan looked to the infant in Klaus’ arms. “Oh my God, it’s a wittle baby!” Duncan said cheerfully tickling Sunny’s tummy. Sunny giggled and slapped his hand away. “I didn’t even know this school allowed babies. This is so cool!” 

Sunny smiled back at the two identical siblings. “Friends?” she asked looking at her brother, who blushed.

“Best friends,” Duncan said to Sunny, then looking up at Klaus. “I mean if that’s okay with both of you…” 

Klaus blushed as he nodded and when Isadora noticed this, she smiled again. “We hope to see you around, Baudelaires,” she said. 

“Yes!” Sunny shouted.

The four children bid goodbyes, thinking that they were headed to opposite locations. But as the Baudelaires walked towards the right side of the two-sided bench, the Quagmires sat down on the left side of the bench. All four children sat in silence. Isadora sat smirking to herself as she began to silently write down couplets, thinking of all the ways to torture her brother. Duncan sat in silence thinking of his interaction with Klaus and how he hoped that he and Klaus would have more time to get to know each other. Klaus sat in silence as he had similar thoughts as Duncan and for the first time since his parents’ death, Count Olaf was the furthest thing from his mind. Even the mysteries surrounding the Baudelaire orphans were far from his mind, as all he could think about was Duncan’s eyes and smile. Sunny sat in silence as she hoped that Olaf would never find them here at the school. She never had friends before, other than her big brother, but she didn’t think that counted. So she was excited to see what a friendship is. She already loved Isadora and if Duncan was anything like his sister, she knew she’d love him, too.

______________________________________________________________________

_ Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!  _ That’s all that went through Lemony’s mind as he raced from the Lucky Smells Lumbermill to his home. This is bad. This was entirely bad. This was one of the few times in Lemony’s life where he was glad that  _ both  _ his siblings had taught him how to drive. His sister, Kit, showed him how to drive recklessly which she said could be useful in case of emergency. While his brother, Jacques, showed him how to drive while obeying all of the rules and regulations. 

His most recent attempt to help Beatrice’s two other children had failed disastrously. Well, not entirely. They were safe, most likely being sent off to the boarding school right this very second. What made this disastrous was the fact that his identity had been compromised. Olaf had seen him. Olaf now knew he was alive.

Still being in the middle of the Baudelaire fire investigation, Lemony wasn’t sure if Olaf, himself, had started the fire...but he did know Olaf had no issues with committing a murder... _ or two. _ He quickly thought of Violet and how much danger he has put her in...again. Hot tears started falling from his face.

He didn’t mean to put her in danger. He was only trying to do good. He was only trying to help Beatrice and Bertrand’s children. A small part of him believes he should have just left them alone...they were resourceful children, they would’ve figured it out. He should have put  _ Violet  _ first. But a bigger part of him knew that that was just his fear and guilt talking. This wasn’t Klaus or Sunny Baudelaire’s fault. This wasn’t even Beatrice’s fault. This was  _ his  _ fault. It wasn’t because he had decided to help the Baudelaire orphans, no, it was his fault when he convinced Beatrice to help him steal a damn sugar bowl. It was his fault when he convinced Beatrice, Bertrand, and his sister, Kit, to help him with a double homicide. 

“Goddammit _ !” _ He yelled, punching the steering wheel. He couldn’t think of such unpleasantness right now, he had to get Violet out of danger. If Olaf now knows he’s alive...he needed to take his daughter and run. He felt bad for Klaus and Sunny, but he had to put his own daughter first. Part of him wishes he had grabbed them and taken them along. Maybe after explaining things, Klaus wouldn’t fight as much. They did have a nice heart to heart on Lake Lachrymose. He thought of turning around and heading back towards the mill but ultimately decided against it.

Violet had to be his main priority. His child. He will worry about the other two kids later. Right now, he knew Olaf would come after him.

_ Maybe I could call someone to come to take Violet until I can fake my death again?  _ He thought to himself. But who? Everyone in the damn organization thought he was dead.

His mind began to race.  _ Kit? No...she thinks I’m dead. Jacques? Fuck. He thinks I’m dead, too. Monty and Josephine are both dead themselves. Larry and Jacquelyn might force Violet into VFD... _ he thought. This outcome was the last thing that he and Beatrice wanted for their daughter.  _ Maybe the Quagmires could help. I haven’t seen them in a while...Fuck! They’re dead, too. They were the victims of the most recent fire alongside one of their thirteen-year-old triplets. Maybe...someone from Staind-by-the-Sea?  _ He thought desperately. They were all so close back in his apprentice days but he didn’t know how to get in contact with most of them. Lemony felt utterly alone. His cruel mind flashed to Beatrice, she would have been the only person he one-hundred percent trusted with his daughter...but she was dead. Forever gone. It was her death that marked this whole new chapter in his life and there was no going back now. He played his cards...now he had to sit there and wait to see how the game played out.

Lemony has seen how determined Olaf was to destroy two children who had done nothing to him, he can only imagine the time and energy Olaf would spend on destroying  _ him  _ now that he knew Lemony was alive. 

Lemony was alone on this one. He only had his daughter. She couldn’t help him because he had to protect her. He had to protect her even if it meant sacrificing himself. He was crying big time now. He wiped his tears from his face.

_ If I die what would happen to Violet?  _ He asked himself. He knew Mr. Poe was useless but that’s who was in charge of the orphan’s affairs. He knew he was a better option than Mrs. Squalor. He was so glad that none of his enemies knew he had a daughter but he feared that would change if he died. Lemony wasn’t afraid of death, per se, he knew that one day it was to happen to everyone. He would take his last breath, he would see his daughter for the last time. He had hoped to live a long fulfilled life, but as he raced home in his yellow taxi he could feel his stomach churn as if he knew what was to happen next. 

_ I got to get Violet out of danger! _ He told himself. When he gets home, he will send her ahead of him. She will go to the storekeeper’s shop. They might be VFD affiliated but it was the only shop he knew to be open at this hour. Yes, he will send her ahead. He will stay and pack the essentials and meet her there. She won’t like this plan, but she’ll listen reluctantly.  _ I will explain everything to her! _ His tears didn’t stop as he continued his drive home. He felt guilty that he had been lying to Violet, her whole life but more so these past couple of weeks. Once they are safe in a new motel, he will tell her  _ everything.  _ What he does. Why he does it. Who those kids are. What he did to help make the schism a thing. Where her birth mother is. He was going to tell her everything she wanted to hear and more. No more secrets. NO more lies. Maybe after he saves himself and Violet, maybe he and his daughter can search for the two Baudelaire orphans. Lemony could adopt them illegally. He’d explain everything to Klaus and Sunny, too, after what they've been through, they deserved it. 

_ Everything is going to end happily.  _ He lied to himself in the midst of tears.

Now...I don’t have to tell you, the reader, why Lemony was dead wrong. The Baudelaire case and, sadly, the Snicket case do not end happily, some would say, the cases, even to this day, haven’t ended. People just can’t find the three orphans and some nights I lay awake in my associate’s small but cozy studio apartment thinking that maybe it’s better that no one can find them. If they haven’t been found, no one can hurt them anymore. Because although I would love to end this tale here with the false hope of a truly happy ending, the tragic tale of the lives of the two Baudelaire children and the Snicket girl has only just begun and we are only a third of the way through.

I would love to say that Lemony Snicket makes true to his word that he tells his daughter everything she wants to know and more, and that he successfully fakes his death in a very unreliable newspaper and find the Baudelaire orphans and illegally adopts them keeping all three plucky youngsters away from Count Olaf and VFD but, alas, this is not a fairy tale and that is not how the story goes.

And for that reason, I will ask of you, one more time before the story takes a turn for the absolute worst, to look away. Look away from this tragic tale before it is too late. Before you, as well, get too invested in the lives of these three orphans that you spend the rest of your life trying to find.

Lemony jumped when his taxi-phone rang. He wiped tears from his eyes and quickly answered it.

“Can’t talk, right now, Jacky,” 

“How did the mission go?” Jacquelyn asked not even questioning how he knew it was her.

“Bad. Very fucking bad!” He cried, “The Baudelaires are safe but I’ve been compromised! I’ve been found out!” 

“What?!”

“I’m racing home to relocate now. I don’t think I’m being followed,” he explained.

“But how…?!” Jacquelyn asked in shock.

“ _ It doesn’t matter! I’ve been compromised!”  _ He snapped.

“Do you need my help?” Jacquelyn asked her voice thick with concern as she immediately thought about ‘April’. 

“No...no...I can’t involve you any further,” he replies his voice cracking.

“Lemony,  _ please  _ let me help you! I can help you fake your death!” she pleaded.

“No, Jacquelyn. I can’t risk him going after you like he went after Gustav,”

“I’d like to see him try!” 

“Jacquelyn, no. Please. I can’t have any more blood on my hands,” he explained crying again.

“Snicket...I don’t need you to protect me…” she began.

“ _ Jacquelyn...please. I can not involve you any further,”  _

“I’ll involve myself!” 

“Jacquelyn, No!” Lemony yelled, “Look, I am insanely grateful for everything that you, Gustav and Larry have done for me during my adventures with the Baudelaire case. But I can’t involve you like this. He’s a madman and he will not stop ‘til revenge is served.” 

“Lemony…” Jacquelyn begged. Her heart filling with dread as she began to predict the outcome.

“Maybe during future missions with the Baudelaires we can meet up again. But I have to go into hiding for now,” Lemony explained. “Do me a favor and still keep a close eye on those kids.”

“Let me help you now,” she pleaded.

“I’m sorry Jacquelyn...but this is  _ my  _ battle. I can’t involve you any longer. Thank you for all your help. Hope to see you and Larry again someday,” he said as he hung up on her. Jacquelyn stared at the phone in her hand and only one thing came to the forefront of her mind. 

_ April! _

Once Lemony reached his home, he ran to his apartment as fast as he could. He knew that he didn’t have any seconds to lose. He and Violet had to go  _ now! _ He rushed through the front door and to Violet’s bed, shaking her awake. Her eyes went wide as she stared at her father.

“Get up! Let’s go!” he called out to her as she sat up quickly. The sense of urgency in his voice scared Violet. 

Violet looked around as he was frantically putting things into her backpack, like his wallet. “What are you doing? What’s happening? What’s wrong?”

“Those are the wrong questions,” he replied as he frantically zipped up her backpack handing it quickly to her. “But we don’t have time to ask the right ones, right now. We have to go,” 

“Go?” She asked her voice trembling in fear, “Where?” 

“Away. Very far away,” he replied not looking at her as he began to pack his backpack quickly. “You have a change of clothes packed right?” she nodded her head in response, “Good. Go,” he ordered.

“Go? Where?!” she asked as she stood in her nightgown staring at her frantic father. Tears began to fall from her eyes. “What...what’s wrong? Who’s after us?”

“No one’s after  _ us _ . They’re after me,” he reassured, “But don’t worry, they’ll never get me. Snickets are resilient and we take care of our own. Remember that.” 

“Why...why are you talking funny?”

“I promise I’ll explain  _ everything  _ to you later,” He says. “Now, go…”

“W-where? It’s four in the morning!” 

“You know the convenience store that we usually shop at?” he asked her as she nodded in response. “It’s open twenty-four hours. Go there and wait for me,” he instructed.

“Could I change first?” she asks gesturing to her nightgown.

“No. There’s no time,” he explains trying to rush her out the door.

Violet started crying big time. “Mr. Lemons…” she said, her voice filled with fear.

Lemony frowned and looked at his daughter. “I’ll be right behind you,”

“I won’t leave you...I can’t leave you behind,” she said, her voice breaking.

“Vi…”

She shook her head. “Snickets take care of their own,” she reminded him.

“Exactly, why I need you to go ahead of me!” he explained his voice breaking. He looked at the trembling wreck that his daughter was and he sighed.

“Mr. Lemons...I’m...What...I…” she began unable to find the correct words because her fear was taking over and pushing her guilt to the side.

“I know…” he replied smiling at her. “We can talk about that later,” 

She shook her said as she put her backpack on. “I’m...I...I don’t…” 

“Violet...I need to go, now.” 

Violet nodded but she didn’t move. She was desperately trying to fight her fear so she would be able to apologize to her father for her horrible outburst earlier that day. She wanted nothing more to apologize to him and tell him that she loves him but her mouth couldn’t form the words because she was terrified.

Lemony looked at his daughter and pulled her into the tightest hug he has ever given her. He, too, began to cry. Both Snickets sobbed in each other's arms for around two minutes. Lemony knew this was dangerous to do, but he didn’t care. He had a bad feeling about this and he needed Violet to know that she was loved. 

“Mr. Lemons... _ please… _ ” she pleaded.

Lemony pushed a strand of hair out of her face and wiped a tear from his daughter’s face. “I love you,” he said, as his voice cracked. “I love you more than anything in this world, Violet. You know that right? You will always be my precious Violet Lemons,” 

Violet nodded her head. “ _ Please...don’t make me leave you.”  _ She begged.

“Look at me,” Lemony said as Violet looked up at her father with tears pouring. “I’ve been through worst scrapes than this, believe it or not. And  _ I promise you _ once we are in my taxi, I will explain _ everything _ to you. I  _ never  _ should have lied to you, Violet. I was just trying to protect you from every danger that I have faced.”

Violet opened her mouth to say something but all that came out were sobs. “You are my strong baby girl. You remind me so much of your mother...you’re resilient, you’re resourceful, you’re strong. No matter what happens, I want you to conquer this world like you always planned.” 

“ _ P-please stop ta-talking l-like you’re never going to see m-me again,”  _ She pleaded sniffling.

“I will see you again.  _ Very soon, _ ” he reassured her pulling her into another tight hug. “I will meet you at the store in a few minutes,” 

Violet looked at him with a face of doubt and fear. He quickly took off the wristband that she sewed him years ago. “Take this…” he says slipping it on her wrist. “you know I don’t go anywhere without it...I will come back for you and that wristband.  _ I promise.” _

She nodded her head and began to sob again. “ _ I love you so much, Violet. You are the world’s best daughter. Of course, your mother wanted you...you’re you...you’re the best thing to ever happen to me. In case something happens, never...never forget that. I am sorry for the secrets and lies and I plan to make this better.”  _ Lemony cried as he began to sob as hard as his daughter. He pulled her into one final hug and kissed her forehead. As he held her close, he looked up at the ceiling silently praying for a miracle. He looked down at Violet smiling. “Off you go. My wallet is in your backpack, buy some snacks...I’ll be there…soon.” 

Violet nodded as she walked to the door. “Dad…” she said her eyes so wet with tears that her father was a blur. She sniffled as she tried to say what she’s been wanting to say all night. But the words weren’t coming out. Lemony looked at his daughter, wiping his eyes and nodding his head. 

“I know...I forgive you…” he said his voice cracking as he began sobbing again. “And I love you, too. I’ll see you soon.”

Violet nodded and quickly ran out of her house carrying her heavy backpack. She ran like her life depended on it, every so often looking back hoping to see her father. She wiped her eyes as she continued to run all the way to the convenience store. Once she ran in, the store clerk gave her a confused look but decided to leave Violet alone. Violet paced around the front of the store desperately awaiting her father’s arrival. She felt like utter shit. Not only was she extremely cold due to only being in a nightgown, but Violet felt guilty still. Although her father knew what she wanted to say and responded accordingly, Violet believed that she was still on the hook because she had not apologized or told him that she loved him. The second that he ran into the store, she would tell him this, in actual words. She vowed to never tell her father that she hated him because she was already afraid of what might happen but the fact that her last words to her father were “I hate you!” she felt like the anxiety of the situation was going to make her throw up. Fearing that the last words she will ever say to her father would be such vile and cruel ones made Violet feel more uneasy than she would have if she was able to tell him that she was sorry and that she loved him. She couldn’t let the last words to her father be that she hated him.

She didn’t know what was happening but she had a good guess that it had something to do with her father’s enemies. Why else would he be in such a hurry to relocate? The minutes that passed by felt like hours. She kept glancing outside waiting to see her father strolling in behind her but each time she looked. He wasn’t there. Right as she looked outside the store’s windows for the umpteenth time in ten minutes, she saw a firetruck rush on by. She didn’t think much of it. 

“Young lady, have you been good to your mother?” the clerk asked her causing her to jump. 

“What?” she asked confused. “I...I don’t know my mother,”

“Young lady, have you been good to your mother?” the clerk asked again. Violet looked at the clerk confused.

“I just told you…I don’t know my mother,” she replied getting slightly annoyed.

Now, if Lemony had trained his daughter to understand coded phrases from VFD, then Violet would know that when the clerk had asked her, ‘Young lady, have you been good to your mother?” that was a popular VFD code that meant, ‘run away, you’re house is on fire.’ But Violet didn’t need any translation or explanation because in the next ten seconds she saw four more fire trucks rushing passed the store. She rushed to the door of the store, staring at the firetrucks with bated breath. “No...no...no...oh... _ don’t turn left, _ ” she prayed aloud. To Violet’s horror, all four firetrucks turned left quickly. Her eyes got wide as she quickly decided that she was not going to stand here and wait any longer. She was going back for her father.

Violet raced as fast as she could back towards her home. She screamed when she realized their entire apartment building was on fire. “ _ NO! Mr. Lemons! _ ” she screeched falling to her knees. She watched the firefighters trying their best efforts to stop the blaze.  _ He can’t be in there. He can’t be in there. No. No. He’s out...he’s just hiding because the authorities are here _ . She looked around desperately for her father but did not see him anywhere in the crowd. She looked down at her wrist as she shed a tear as she gazed silently at the wristband she had made him when she was just a little girl. 

_ Snickets take care of their own.  _ Was all she could hear as her father’s voice played on loop inside her head. She couldn’t just  _ assume  _ that he got out safe. She feared that he was stuck inside, although she hoped that wasn’t the case. But either way, she wasn’t going to stand here allowing her father to burn alive if she was able to help him. She surveilled the area looking for an easy way up to her apartment. Her eyes locked on the fire escape. She quickly ran towards it. She frowned when she realized that the fire escape was too high where she couldn’t reach it. She desperately searched the alleyway for something she could use to create a makeshift grappling hook to help her reach the fire escape.

Violet coughed due to the smoke that was escaping the building all around her, she crouched down to the ground in hopes of being able to see and breathe better. Violet froze in place when she heard a harsh voice yelling.

“We need to go, boss,” the voice warned, “The authorities are all over the place,” 

“I’m coming!” a wheezy voice yelled. Violet looked in the direction of the voices and noticed that there was a pair of legs walking towards a black car with an odd license plate that spelled out ‘IH8ORPHANS’. She glanced at the pair of legs, noticing that whoever they belonged to did not own pants that covered their ankles. When she glanced down at the ankles, she had to suppress a gasp when she noticed that on the left ankle, there was a familiar tattoo of the VFD insignia. Her eyes went wide when she realized he must be one of her father’s enemies. “I was trying to  _ watch  _ the fucker burn! But I was unable to get to his home!” 

“There’s no way he’d be to escape  _ that,  _ boss. I’d say he’s as good as dead,” the first voice recalled.

“He better be. I don’t need him mucking up any more of my plans,” the wheezy voice replied as Violet heard a car door shut. The black car started and drove away as fast as they could. 

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she scanned the area quickly. Looking for anything,  _ anything  _ to help her.  _ I can’t lose him!  _ She thought as she found a broken umbrella and discarded pile of curtains. She shrugged.  _ This will have to do.  _ She thought as she quickly began to tie the curtains together using the Devil’s Tongue Knot. All she could think about was saving her father if he was still in there. As she tied the chain of curtains to the broken umbrella, she pondered whether or not he was up there. What if he had escaped and he was desperately looking for her like she was looking for him. Going back into that building could result in  _ her  _ demise...or both of their demises. But at this point, Violet didn’t care. She just needed to make sure her father wasn’t trapped inside. 

Violet threw her invention into the air, praying to hear it catch onto the fire escape, but unfortunately, it fell all the way to the ground landing rather close to her. She picked it up and threw it again, with each throw she prayed that it would grab hold. Finally, it did. She heard a satisfying  _ clang! _ As the umbrella and the metal of the fire escape gripped on to each other. Violet pulled on the curtain, making sure that it was in place. Before she began climbing, she realized that she would never make it through the smoke, so she took out her shirt from her backpack, tying it tightly around her nose and mouth as a make-shift mask.  _ This will have to do.  _ She told herself as she skillfully began her easy climb to the fire escape. Once she reached the floor of her apartment, she took ahold of the umbrella half of her invention and began to pound the glass of the window desperately trying to break into the burning building. All the while her eyes were watering from the smoke. Once she finally broke through the window, she hopped in. Ignoring the shards of glass that were slowly piercing her shoulders and legs. She’d have to worry about that later. Violet was so satisfied with her invention that she quickly raveled it up and stuffed it into her backpack.  _ You never know when you’ll need a make-shift grappling hook.  _ She thought to herself. 

Violet ran through the hallway as people were running out. Many of them gave Violet confused looks but she ignored them. “ _ Dad!”  _ she shouted at the top of her lungs as she reached her front door. She looked cautiously at the doorknob, knowing that it was probably overheated from the flames of the fire. She began to kick her door in rapidly. Kicking and kicking all the while screaming for her dad. Finally, the door’s weak infrastructure allowed Violet’s manic kicks to break it off the hinges. Violet had to time her search properly because she was already feeling the effects of smoke inhalation, even with her shirt tied tightly around her mouth and nose. “ _ DAD!”  _ she screamed, her voice becoming a bit hoarse. 

She felt more tears run down her face as she gazed inside of her apartment. Nearly everything was on fire, she looked desperately for her father.

“ _ Mr. Lemons!”  _

_ “Where are you, Dad!?”  _ she screeched as she ran around the burning apartment. Doing her best to hold in her breath here and there as to slow down the effects of smoke inhalation. “ _ Dad!? Please! Are you in here?”  _ She screeched wiping her eyes. The smoke was burning her eyes and throat. Her head was pounding as the loss of oxygen was really getting to her. She began coughing for what seemed like forever.  _ How much time did I have?  _ She asked herself as she felt the building start to shake slightly.  _ Fuck. The building’s infrastructure was giving in.  _ She had to find her father quickly.

She threw herself to the ground, avoiding the flames around her and trying to catch her breath. “ _ Mr. Lemons!”  _ she called out. “ _ Come on, Dad...you gotta...you gotta get out of here!”  _ No answer. There were so many of her and her father’s personal belongings that had caught on fire, it was hard to tell if any of them were a human being. “ _ Dad! Mr. Lemons! Please! You can’t…”  _ she choked on both her sobs and more dark smoke. Her breathing was getting hoarse and short, she needed to get out of there, but she couldn’t leave without her father.

“ _ I’m sorry!”  _ She screamed looking around in every direction, looking for her father. “ _ I don’t hate you! I don’t...I love you! Please…”  _ she began coughing, still crawling around. “ _ Please! You can’t leave me...you can’t...you’re the only family I know…!”  _

Violet turned on her back, squishing her backpack under her weight. “ _ Lemon man! Please...don’t...die...you can’t die on me,”  _

Violet’s eyes threatened to close. They were red from crying and the smoke. She kept coughing. She was beginning to cough so hard that it felt like she was going to hack up a lung. She looked around the room desperately, noticing the investigation board laid on the ground next to her. She looked at it and cried.  _ Her father’s work may never be completed.  _ She thought as she turned over to face the board. She untacked one of the pictures from it and slid it into the front zipper of her of her backpack. The building’s infrastructure began to shake again, Violet whimpered.  _ Maybe he’s not the only Snicket who’s going to die today.  _ Violet felt hot tears running down her face.  _ Maybe this is for the best.  _ She thought.  _ What’s a world without her father?  _

Violet laid on the floor of her living room as her breathing started to become completely impaired. Her head felt both heavy and light-headed. Her throat, lungs, and eyes felt as though they were on fire just like the home around her.  _ This is it.  _ She told herself. She failed. She couldn’t save her father and the last thing she said to him was that she hated him. 

“ _ I’m sorry...Mr. Lemons...I don’t hate you…”  _ She whimpered before she began to cough roughly again. “ _ I love you...you were the best father a daughter could ask for…”  _ Violet closed her eyes and forced herself to take one heavy breath as she awaited what was to come next.

But what happened next, both relieved and shocked Violet. She felt someone grabbing her by the ankles and hurriedly dragging her across the room to the front door. Violet began kicking and screaming the loudest she can at first, thinking that it was one of her father’s enemies coming back to make sure the job was done but then a small part of her believed the person who was dragging her by her ankles was her father. “... _ Dad…?”  _ she asked but the person didn’t answer. Violet couldn't see because of how the smoke affected both her eyes and the overall visibility of anyone in the room. Once they were in the hall, the person quickly lifted Violet up bridal style and began running towards the window Violet had broken to get back into her apartment. “... _ Dad!”  _ she asked again but again the person did not answer. Her voice was hoarse, so she wasn’t sure if the person couldn’t hear her or was simply ignoring her. 

“It’s okay...April, I’ve got you,” the voice called out, clutching Violet and her backpack tightly to her as she moved past the shards of broken glass in the window sill. 

Violet looked up but her eyes wouldn’t open fully. “Lemon man?” she asked dizzily from the smoke inhalation.

Jacquelyn sighed and held Violet closer as she started down the fire escape. “N-no,” she muttered tears forming in her eyes. 

“W-where’s my father?” Violet asked.

“Shh...you need to fix your breathing, April.” 

“ _ NO! Where’s my father!?”  _ Violet cried as loud as she could, before coughing. “ _ You have to go back in there and save him! Please...he’s all I have!”  _ Violet screeched.

Jacquelyn looked down at the Snicket girl and frowned. She turned to the burning building.  _ If he’s in there...he’s a goner.  _ She thought to herself not wanting to make Violet realize this cold truth just yet. 

Once Jacquelyn had carried Violet to safety, where there was clear air. She laid the fourteen-year-old down, untying the shirt from her mouth and nose. Violet was breathing, although it was sharp and shallow. Violet’s eyes were bloodshot red from exposure to smoke. Violet herself was covered in ash and soot. Violet laid on the ground for several moments trying to catch her breath. All the while whimpering about her father.

Jacquelyn rubbed the young girl’s head as she looked Violet over for any burns or injuries. She noticed the cuts in Violet’s shoulders and frowned thinking that she had done that to the girl when she carried her out of the window.

“April…”

Violet began crying as she turned her body to stare in the direction of her old building. Jacquelyn slid the backpack off Violet so she could be more comfortable. Both Violet and Jacquelyn watched in silence as the infrastructure to Violet’s apartment building collapsed before their eyes. 

Violet harshly jumped up to her feet as Jacquelyn grabbed her comfortingly by the shoulders. “ _ DAD! NO! _ ” she screamed in the loudest voice yet as she fell back down to her knees sobbing in the grass. Jacquelyn knelt down next to her pulling her into a big comforting hug.

“April…” 

Violet shook her head. “He’s...he’s gone,” she sobbed. “ _ He’s actually dead for reals...this time. He’s not pretending,”  _ She began to cry harder on Jacquelyn’s shoulder.

“April…” Jacquelyn choked. “I am so sorry...for your loss. If there’s anything I can do for you…”

“Violet,” Violet replied.

“Huh?” Jacquelyn asked looking down at the young girl.

“My name is Violet...not April,” Violet admitted.

“Violet...I’m so sorry for your loss...if there’s anything I can do for you...you just name it,” Jacquelyn whispered as she began to cry, too.

Violet grabbed the woman tightly and began to sob on to her shoulders for what seemed like hours. Jacquelyn didn’t mind it though. She was just glad that she got there in time to save Violet. She was deeply depressed that she wasn’t able to see Lemony, although she hoped he made it out safe. But she had her doubts, she knew he’d never leave his daughter. As she stroked Violet’s hair comfortingly, she sighed.  _ Least you saved one, Jacky.  _ She told herself but she didn’t feel entirely proud of herself. Had she gotten there sooner...she could have saved Lemony, too. Jacquelyn looked towards the burnt remains of the apartment building shaking her head.  _ This is all VFD’s fault! The Baudelaires...then the Quagmires...now the Snickets?  _ She looked down at violet. Wondering what will happen to this young girl now. She knew she couldn’t tell Violet about her birth mother, not right now, not after she practically witnessed her father burn alive. She knew she couldn’t tell her about the Baudelaires, not while Violet was a sobbing mess. Violet was sobbing hard and whispering apologies to her father and swearing up and down that she didn’t hate him and that she loved him and this broke Jacquelyn’s heart. It was clear that one of the last conversations that Violet had with her father had been an argument. 

“Violet...I'm sure he knows you loved him and that you’re sorry,” 

Violet shook her head fiercely, “No ...no he didn’t because I told him I hated him! I never got to actually apologize to him for all the cruel things I said or tell him that I love him. He...he...he...he died thinking that I hated him...when that couldn’t be further from the truth,” 

“Violet...actions speak louder than words. You didn’t  _ have to  _ say it because you showed it…” 

Violet shook her head again and began to cry even harder. “You weren’t there...you didn’t see his face when I said it. It struck him to his core...and he believed me,” 

Jacquelyn shook her head but Violet refused to listen. Guilt had settled in and made her into a sobbing mess again. As she cried in Jacquelyn’s arms for several more minutes.

Violet looked up at her, breaking her train of thought. “ _ Please...please don’t recruit me into your cult,” _ the girl begged as Jacquelyn felt her heart shatter hearing Violet’s cracking voice. “ _ Neither one of my parents wanted me indicted into VFD. So, please...I don’t care where you send me I just don’t wanna go there,”  _

Jacquelyn gave Violet a small smile. “I promise, I’m not going to send you to VFD. I actually work for a man who takes care of children in your situation and finds them places to stay,” Jacquelyn explained. “You can spend the night with me, tonight and tomorrow we can go back to the bank and get this all sorted out. How does that sound?”

Violet wiped tears from her eyes as she stared off into the distance at her old home. “As long as you don’t volunteer me to your cult, that sounds...better than nothing,” 

Jacquelyn stood up and extended her hand towards Violet. Violet shakily stood up and grabbed her backpack. She took Jacquelyn’s hand, who pulled Violet closer to her as she wrapped an arm around her. The woman walked with the young girl to her taxi. And just like that, the Snicket girl became the Snicket orphan. 

I told you that this tale was sad, I warned you ample times to turn away. But you didn’t listen...no one ever listens. There are many, many things that are better than nothing. A home-cooked meal is better than nothing. A roof over one’s head is better than nothing. A place to sleep, even if the bed is not one’s own and the blanket is damp with tears, is better than nothing. And as Violet Snicket would discover, there are some thing that even a long night of introspection cannot change. Violet knew that she had to find a way to survive her dreadfully unfortunate circumstances, and perhaps, solve the mystery of how they ended up in them. My associate and I have the same dedication to researching and presenting this story no matter what dangers it puts us in. Trouble and strife can cover this world like the dark of night, or like smoke from a suspicious fire. And when that happens all good, true, and decent people know that it’s time to...volunteer.


End file.
